[Normal][Grimdark][Adventure] I really don't know what image to use for OC ponies!
Author: HolyJunkie
Description: Equestria is a peaceful utopia full of ponies born to find the one thing they were destined to do well and enjoy. One unlucky colt was born to be a fighter.Cognitive Dissonance Part 1
Cognitive Dissonance Part 2
Cognitive Dissonance Part 3
Cognitive Dissonance Part 4
Cognitive Dissonance Part 5
Cognitive Dissonance Part 6 (New)
Additional Tags: Long, Royal Guard, OC, Everfree Forest, Fighting
71 comments:
I think that if a story stars an OC pony, the author should provide an image themselves.
ReplyDeleteThat's kind of hard if the author isn't an artist as well, ya know.
ReplyDeleteDat title
ReplyDelete(has a typo)
Pretty good, Junkie.
ReplyDeleteExpecting the next chapter to be just as good or better.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeletethat's kind of like asking a commenter to write their own story, y'know.
...wish I could draw half as well as that.
Cool story, Brony.
ReplyDelete*brick'd*
It seems to run a titch fast at times, but it's really good.
Good story, bro.
ReplyDeleteReminds me of Rocky in a few ways... Especially because it's so long xD
Loved it so far, Junkie! Eagerly waiting for the nect chapters.
ReplyDeleteI also quite enjoyed it. Just because it focuses on an OC doesn't mean it can't have proper characterization. Given how peaceful Equestria seems to be, for the most part, it is interesting to think about how a pony whose special talent is decidedly non-mainstream can cope or fit in.
ReplyDeleteI would suggest that, in the sections after the first few pages, you compile the narrative a bit more. So many breaks creates a bit of a dissonance itself, but then I have a preference for beefy narratives.
I like it. I like it a lot.
ReplyDeleteMy Little Sociopath...
ReplyDeleteThis is a great story through and through. I just wonder why the other classmates left...
ReplyDeleteOH hey you posted it using my wallpaper as a header! Yay~
ReplyDeleteI see you're working your way into having Kurt present but not involved or appearing in the events of the first season, so I imagine Fluttershy will either keep his secret or remain unaware of his true identity - a mystery stallion from the forest.
ReplyDeleteGiven her element and her way with animals, I imagine she understands how creatures can't help their natures. She may even find it cruel that he was basically being stuffed in a box for having a talent for fighting, although I imagine she'd still be uncomfortable with his talent.
I'm getting an image of Kurt and the Manticore becoming best buds for some reason.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteUh.... What?
@HolyJunkie
ReplyDeleteI'd consider that a resounding no to the other anonymous guy's speculation. :P
I personally am really terrible at this commentary stuff, but almost noone has said anything, so.... I think the second part is very well done, and I'm at the strange places you had Kurt go through
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteDidn't mean to flat-out say "No." I'm just confused at what Anony was talking about. I can get why he figured out it was Fluttershy, but was the rest of it just wild guessing?
@Anonymous Kurt is not a socipoath, he doesn't have any problem with morals, and society in itself, he is just aware that he doesn't fit in.
ReplyDeleteAbout the story, I like it so far, but I have some personal quirks that bother me.
The first one is how 3 years went by like nothing oO. I mean, ok guard duty is boring and all, but doesn't Kurt has free time? Did he ever try to find Twilight before the 3 years passed? That time jump just seemed a bit weird to me.
The second is how in Kurts thought Twilight remain that puprle filly even after Pony Joe told him her name.
The third is that the fight with the pegasus guards by the waterfall happened 5 hours after the would-be dawn (signaled by the rooster), Celestia is missing, there is everlasting nighttime, why are they searching for him?
The fourth is that Kurt waited in the bushes in case help was needed, and after the guard fished out his fellow pegasi, he went off as the guard was performing CPR...
If he was performing CPR it means the patient is on the verge of dying, his heart has stopped, and the other one could be very well in a similiar condition for all we know. This situation is simple too dire to be left so easily.
For fifth, somehow Kurt's reaction seemed weird under the window. Something big happens, he wants to know about it, Celestia appears, he gets a thought how this is an utopia (he still doesn't have any idea what happened in there) and even though Twilight is there, he decides it's time for a power nap, right there right now, under the window.
I don't really get it, did he gave up upong getting back into society? Then maybe try to get away from there a bit before taking a nap 10 meters away from a god like being from whose service you abandoned.
If not, then why would he go to sleep when all these things are happening?
The sixth is that why did Kurt notice that the black one was a unicorn, when Luna is an alicorn? A bit of explanation why a guard whose job is to watch not see that?
And lastly, when he stumbles out of the forest, he sees a pink maned pony. As a guard I'd say it would be appropiate if he would remember this pony, since she was among the celebrating 6, and among the last ponies he saw.
Well, sorry for the long ramble, but these were really a thorn in my side. Of course feel free to disregard anything written here, and sorry for any typos and whatnot, but it's 3:00 AM and I really need a power nap ;)
@qzole
ReplyDeleteI like you, tiny rabbit. Taught never to be afraid of in-depth essays pointing out the flaws in things. It's men and women like you that make perfectionists feel good about themselves at the end of the day.
As for the 3 years, it went by quickly for a few in-fic and out-of-fic reasons. In-fic, Kurt could never find Twilight off-duty, while on-duty, protocol dictates that guards shouldn't talk, unless exceptions take priority- such as a big-time emergency. Frankly, trying to meet nice ladies doesn't count as an emergency.
"That Purple Filly" gets people thinking a bit more than "Twilight Sparkle". I dunno, that's just one of those things I like doing.
I'll admit, I didn't realise the rooster crowing was before the skirmish at the waterfall. In hindsight, I figured that the three-dude scouting party was all that was left searching for Kurt, as after that encounter, Kurt never hears or sees anymore guards afterward.
As for taking a powernap outside instead of going in to meet Twilight (despite boasting that not even Celestia could stop him) he realises "Oh jeez, Good Ol' Murphy's Law just had to challenge my boast and win."
Although that's really just something I pulled out of nowhere. I can actually agree with you on that.
When I first saw Luna in the episode, I mistook her wings as part of the broken armour. I figured others might have thought the same thing before realising "Oh wait, she's an allicorn" and laughed at their own noobishness. I guess that effect failed in your case.
Last point... Okay, I've got no reason for that, except maybe he's too excited having escaped the forest to recall that she was the same one from back in the temple.
Otherwise, I've got no excuse... Wait...
I really do appreciate the nitpicking. Nitpicking can be annoying, but it helps pass ideas around writers.
Forgot to add: Out-of-fic, I thought adding more stuff felt like pointless padding, considering that these first two parts aren't even the main on-the-surface conflict that the standard audience sees first.
ReplyDeleteYeah... lots of padding...
That's pretty interesting. Keep up the good job!
ReplyDeletegood job. Hope you got this story planned out, so we can quickly get a third chapter.
ReplyDelete@HolyJunkie
ReplyDeleteSpeculating Anon here. I was just speculating what Fluttershy's reaction would be to Kurt telling her his story. I assume that since he just collapsed in front of her house all slashed up she would either take him in or get him to a hospital.
Bloody awesome so far. I approve. Please continue.
ReplyDeleteMy guess:
ReplyDeleteRoyal Army took Cor as bait to lure Kurt back into Canterlot.
*Insert Ackbar "ITS A TRAP" line here*
There's one thing that always annoyed me. It's not about this story specifically, although it plays a role here as well: Magical Healing.
ReplyDeleteIt's "you're hurt? Find a unicorn." Almost always, in every story, you need a unicorn to help you.
Yet Ponyville's nurse is an Earth Pony. Why even try your hoof at that when magical healing is available, and so much more effective? Even if your special talent is helping others, any unicorn with healing spells will outclass you, and outclass you badly.
So I've been thinking. Perhaps magical healing is unknown, or nearly unknown. After all, Twilight is a prodigy, yet she appears not to know a cure for the common cold.
Or perhaps it's the same thing as with ponies and animal husbandry. Perhaps Earth Ponies have an innate ability that amplifies healing. After all, they're supposed to be way more durable than either of the two other breeds.
It could also be that there aren't so many unicorns with healing spells about. That, however, would (to me) be the least satisfactory option. Even if there were only a few, they'd probably be sent to Canterlot and distributed evenly about Equestria, since pony society is highly ordered.
Really, ponies' different abilities've been something of a sore spot for me. It just seems that Earth Ponies always get the short end of the stick. They're supposed to be faster, yet Rainbow will run circles around you. She's also stronger than AJ. Applejack has the better kick, something she's been doing for years. Years of WALKING however did not translate into stronger forelegs. Rainbow barely uses her legs AT ALL.
They're also supposed to be better with animals, yet Ponyville's vet is a pegasus. Rainbow and Fluttershy both can also walk on clouds, and frikkin' FLY. Something's really messed up about Equestria when at least a third of the populace appears crippled in comparison...
Sorry about this rant- just had to get this off my chest.
It took awhile but this chapter was well worth the wait. 5 stars
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMore specifically, a unicorn doctor- as in a unicorn whose talent is the healing arts.
The fact that there happened to be one in Ponyville is because... well, every town and city needs one- ye know?
As for why the nurses are Earth Ponies: they ain't the surgeons. They are assistants to the doctor- which doesn't mean they need to be unicorns. Sure it doesn't seem like an efficient medical system, (such as if the doctor himself calls in sick) but in Celestia's eyes, it's effective enough until more unicorns are born with healing-specific magic that she could spread evenly across Equestria.
As for why there happened to be a doctor in this town in particular: The Summer Sun Celebration was coming up, and Twilight was going to stay. Obviously Celestia would make sure to always keep a doctor there for her prized pupil.
Last paragraph: You are most certainly right. Earth ponies DO get the short end of the stick. That's one of the themes I've been trying to get across, despite all the "success" Kurt has been achieving so far- and despite the unnatural nature of Pinkie Pie.
Hey, not bad. The narration tone seems somewhat... disinterested, but I think that kinda fits the character. Perhaps calm is a better word. Like the part about him grinning during the fights.
ReplyDeleteOnly read one chapter so far but I'll definitely check out the other ones. For some reason I have been wanting to read a story about a fighting pony. :?
I really liked part 1 and 2 but I had to skim part 3. Things moved way too slow and I just didn't see the point of most of it, and Kurt just seemed to keep repeating himself. Try to focus the story more and I'll be interested in part 4.
ReplyDeleteYou're doing an extraodinary job with this story, but there's one thing bothering me with part 3. Kurt wants to disguise himself by recoloring his mane and tail and hide the scars he recently acquired, but completely forgets the one thing that will give him away the moment any guard sees him; his kite shield mark. I don't know if this was intentional, but from what I've read, those kinds of marks are not common and will give him away immediately.
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good work.
The missing pony poster really should include a description of the cutie mark.
ReplyDeleteI'm guessing that's a Death Note reference in part 4. I only watched a few episodes, maybe three, but I did see the main character devise a hiding place like that for the book he found. I went in hoping he would use the book for good, but instead he developed a god-complex and took the role similar to that of a kill happy grim reaper. Watched the last episode though, mainly to see if he would change so that the episodes between the beginning and end were worth watching, but he was even more vile by that point. Sorry, for some reaon felt like I needed to outline the story's plot to some degree, anyway still enjoying the story and I like the fact that you seem to paying attention to the comments of your fans.
ReplyDeleteKeep at it, and can't wait for the fifth installment of this fanfic.
Oh, Kurt. You're such a ladies' buck.
ReplyDeleteApparently this hasn't been rated yet, so I give it... a 4 out of five.
Good show!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly right, my friend. Death Note was one of the few mangas I've actually remotely liked.
Why does every OC pony have a human like name? Pony Joe s an exception - generally the ponies have more evocative or descriptive names.
ReplyDeleteRarity seems a bit off, even ccounting for the fic's style.
Finally, i think too much of the narrative relies on keeping the reader in the dark to generate "drama." Why do Kurrt's parents hate him? Obviously you want to save that detail, but we don't get any hints or effective teasing.
Finally the crush on Twilight i being played as really creepy. Given the tone of the work it may be intentional.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWho's to say Pony Joe can be the only human-esque-named pony in Equestria, considering the dominant language in said land is English- a human language?
I wouldn't blame you if you thought Rarity seemed a bit off. Personally, I find high-class characters a little difficult to write without accidentally delving into snobby stereotypes- which she clearly isn't... sorta...
Why Kurt's parents hate him is actually pretty obvious. Heck, most of the mystery in this is pretty obvious. You just need to take into account how Equestria's society would work.
Yeah, the creepiness is intentional. Kurt's a socially awkward guy, after all.
@HolyJunkie
ReplyDeleteI must say, I'm also not quite certain why his parents hate him. It could be because he's inherently violent; Something that would be unfair were it not for the fact that they're RIGHT.
Perhaps they feared he would turn into a violent thug, which is precisely what happened.
All things considered, Kurt is a strange pony. I have absolutely no idea how his mind works, and I think at times he himself doesn't know either.
I do know one thing however: As much as his parents aggravate me, I can understand them. I wouldn't want to be Kurt's friend either, and it's unlikely I'll ever come to like him.
its interesting how you play things fast yet slow enough. ^^
ReplyDeleteThough there are some places where more detail might be a good thing and other places where such detail are bad.
ReplyDeleteI do prefer beefier narratives but this definately works.
3 stars i guess. Liked it, i like the premise the concept and the OC but not so much the narrative and the way your story plays out.
I basically wanted a larger ponyville section and more expansive starting point to give Kurt a more main character feel to him.
Ladies and gents, shit just got real.
ReplyDeleteCLIFFHANGER O3O
ReplyDeletei beg. BEG! all future authors and writers of anything MLP!
ReplyDeleteWHEN MAKING OC PONIES BOTHER TO MAKE BELIEVABLE NAMES
When every pony in the show has fanciful names like Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, ditzy doo and Clover or Caramel, WHen an OC pony is named Cornelius, or Kurt, or Kaia, it is the biggest immersion breaker available: mixing very human names with a anthropomorphic magic pony cast.
Just a very big pet peeve of mine. Otherwise, pretty good story. Really interesting concept. You should give it a read.
Man, Kurt's parents are heartless assholes. It's amazing he turned out half as well as he did.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOther than his father/Baton, I can't remember in the story him attacking another pony/creature without being attacked first. And Baton could easily be seen as 'a guard, and thus his enemy'
From the way I take it, he was basically being forced to never leave Canterlot. When he figured it out, he refused to just accept it.
Now he's desperate. He doesn't wish to go back to having his movement being restricted for being himself.
I think I'll have to agree with some posters saying that names should be MLP themed. Too late for that in this fic, but keep in mind people who want to make OCs.
ReplyDeleteYeah in part 4 about him thinking creepy thoughts about Twilight, I can't help but chuckle in a light-hearted way. I'm not sure I want to know why I find it amusing.
I have to wonder how much longer is the story. I can't imagine it being that much longer, though I could be wrong.
His relationship with his parents reminds me of the TF2 sniper. "Ahm not a crazed gunman Dad, Ahm an assassin...well the difference'll be one is a job and one's a mental sickness." Unfortunately for Kurt though, he seems to be of the "crazed gunman" variety.
@Enfid
ReplyDeleteAgain, I have to ask why every single pony needs an overly complex name like Twilight, or Applejack, or Rarity, when there are characters out there with normal names you'd expect to see assigned with other humans. Rose, Lily, Ace, Alex, Clyde, Daisy, Frederic, Hercules, Jenny, Klein, Morton, Octavia, Ruby, Sandy, Shamrock, Sindy, Stella, Sue, Al, Arnie, Pete, Lucy, Madden, Opal, Roy, Vince, Bastion, Elle, Gregorie, Ingrid Marie, Lyra, Maxie, Rosaline, Joe, Max, Holly, Violet, Maggie, Susan... I could go on, guys. Every single name I just listed is assigned to ponies in the show on the Wiki, mind.
My point is: Why are you guys bothered by characters named "Cornelius, Kaia, and Kurt"? Why are ya'll bothered about Patrick and Stella? or Floyd Gilmare?
Floyd Gilmare's obviously a reference. Patrick and Stella are nice names a friend of mine named his own horses.
Cornelius sounds like the kind of name you'd expect on a pony who's "destined" for coolsauce things. Kaia sounds like an exotic name, while Kurt... well, just... Kurt.
It's that previous paragraph that subtle hints that Kurt's Parents never really cared, to the point where they give him a short, boring name like "Kurt" while the siblings got exotic nicknames that are destined to be in the history books.
All in all, I just find it rather silly how people are bothered with the OCs being given "Human" names, despite the fact that it's been established that they're capable of learning human languages, such as English and French (in Rarity's case.)
Just gotta say.
As for how long the story is... well, "not too much now" is my guess.
Peace.
OH SON OF A BITCH NOT AGAIN YOU--arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg
ReplyDeleteWhy do you people keep shoving downer endings onto these things? Just--I mean, come on, there's a filly in Cheerilee's class with a bow for a cutie mark and she seems happy enough! Come on, guys! Our source material is a universe where the first element on the periodic table is optimism instead of hydrogen! Can we PLEASE stop having so many downer endings?
Dat ending. It's so touching and beautiful.
ReplyDelete@banjo2E
ReplyDeleteHe's got a point, you know.
This was a good story, right up until the end. The ending came out of nowhere. There was no allusion to a rhino march of conquest prior to anything, or even rhinos as warriors. When Kurt took down the immortal, I thought that either either Kurt was an immortal, too; or that he would gain the rhino's immortality for some greater purpose that the princesses needed an immortal warrior for (Rouge dragons maybe? Companionship? First step to becoming an alicorn?)
ReplyDeleteThe reunion with his brother seemed rushed and there was a lack of reaction to what Kurt did to their parents (if he even told).
Other than that, I did like that it was almost like a Bourne novel in equestria. I'd like to see either a sequel or any other stories you will write. Good job.
Another story tat deserves more attention. The ending was nice, giving it enough closure. So what will we be seeing next, any more on from this universe?
ReplyDelete@banjo2E
ReplyDeleteArcher is a youngun', and archery could be nothing more than a competitive sport. Sure it could be used for hunting, but I've tried my hand at archery.
The simple act of letting that string go and watching that arrow nail that tiny yellow dot in the distance. That alone keeps my interest burning. It's not about my preparation for the self-destruction of government to may way for anarchy, or the zombie apocalypse. It's about making epic shots like that for the camera.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI don't blame you at all. Even I thought the ending came out of nowhere- which is why I went back into earlier chapters to add subtle hints about the Rhino Conflict.
It's just the situation and Kurgan Indrik were both things I did pretty intensive research about, and I seriously wanted a Highlander reference in this story somewhere. It was so perfect- except for the fact that it came out of nowhere.
At the same time, it's also a little symbolic on how life's like that, with its FUBAR pitching arm throwing those fast balls at you.
Eh, I'm just making excuses.
---
I can understand what you mean by how the reunion felt rushed. I guess I made poor judgement in thinking that even fans of grimdark wouldn't take the decapitation lightly.
At this point, it's all a falling action down to the recovery of the status quo.
And no, Kurt didn't say anything about beating their parents.
---
As for what's next... I dunno, really.
Cog. Diss. was- to me- lightning in a bottle. I had a solid theme with a character and an arch that I felt just worked, and served a real purpose. All I had to do was accomplish one goal: Make the character and story interesting.
You can love Kurt or hate Kurt, but if the majority of readers find him uninteresting, then I have failed.
Good to see I didn't fail in that respect.
Thanks again, readers. I'll give it a month before I come up with more bottles of lightning.
Heh... as if I'm that creative.
Good story, really enjoyed the ending and left me wanting more. I hope you do more with Kurt, would be a shame to just seem his disappear.
ReplyDelete@Nightmare Luna
ReplyDeleteThere are some out there who would prefer that his fate beyond the card is left to the imagination.
Tag says incomplete. Error, or more?
ReplyDeleteKurt should mail people more. like hows he doing.
~Appletank
Epic. I love the "Oh, btw, we need you to kill a god now, hope you don't mind"
ReplyDeleteAlso, in Kurgan's own words (from a movie, but still)
ReplyDeleteIt's better to burn out than to fade away
Also, in Kurgan's own words (from a movie, but still)
ReplyDeleteIt's better to burn out than to fade away
@banjo2E
ReplyDeleteArcher is a youngun', and archery could be nothing more than a competitive sport. Sure it could be used for hunting, but I've tried my hand at archery.
The simple act of letting that string go and watching that arrow nail that tiny yellow dot in the distance. That alone keeps my interest burning. It's not about my preparation for the self-destruction of government to may way for anarchy, or the zombie apocalypse. It's about making epic shots like that for the camera.
oooo, part 6 was epic.
ReplyDeleteHe should have asked for more for his service though, just for fun. Like a date with Luna, just to see her face :o
I love the whole Highlander reference with the Kurgan, and think you could and should expand on that if you do a sequel. I expected the story to be longer, and continue with Kurt's life after he finds Cornelius and settles things there.
ReplyDeleteI hope you decide to do a sequel, maybe with Kurt discovering more things about himself "Outside" of Equestria.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI would, except it would feel a lot more empty. The reason being is that just about every theme I wanted to put into the fic, I already wrapped up. Anything I may have missed wouldn't warrant even an extra chapter.
There are also some stories that are better off not told. Stories that are more interesting when they're only touched upon via WMS.
That doesn't mean I don't want to do another fic. Far from it, actually. It's just I want to do something like Cog. Diss. except not Cog. Diss. Something with a central theme that hasn't been done in My Little Pony fanfics- or even any fanfics.
So far, I'm having no luck coming up with one. Ah well.
@HolyJunkie
ReplyDeleteI could give you an image to use for this... I've drawn an armored red pony with blue hair. :P That is, if you can still change it or something.
@Fiery Blade
ReplyDeleteLet's see it, bro.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWow, I forgot about this XP here you go: http://fieryblade96.deviantart.com/art/War-Colt-255876449
Sorry it's so messy - I made it in my spare time
Amazing ending. Made me rather emotional and I had to keep re-reading it for the full effect. Quick question, will he come back?
ReplyDeleteWish there was an update t this story i have to say it was what started me on reading fan fiction and helping beginning writers
ReplyDelete@NeverKnown
ReplyDeleteUh... whut?
So... is this fic dead? It was one of the earlier ones I read.
ReplyDelete