[Sad][Grimdark] All hail our beloved leader! Please don't send me to the moon.
Author: MaskOfData
Description: Celestia is universally feared, a Tyrant in the truest sense. But she never tried to be, and it's the last thing so wants. And it's tearing her apart.The Sun Is Tired Part 1
The Sun Is Tired Part 2
The Sun Is Tired Part 3
The Sun is Tired Part 4
The Sun is Tired Part 5
The Sun is Tired Part 6
The Sun is Tired Part 7
The Sun is Tired Part 8
The Sun is Tired Part 8.5
The Sun is Tired Part 9 (New!)
Additional Tags: Tyrant, Rage, Anger, Despair, hopeless
523 comments:
Listen all this "Retribution is Bad" talk is rubbing me the wrong way. Did Snowflake deserve to get blasted into carbon atoms? No he didn't but what he did WAS WRONG! He maimed and crippled two ponies who did NOTHING to him besides not treat Celestia as paniced servents. He deserved punishment, his little mob of buddies deserve punishment. I won't be too sorry for the jerk but I will feel bad for the Princess since she didn't mean for it to happen and well Superman said it best "She needs to keep control at all times or she break something or someone." She lives in a world of cardboard and has for a thousand years and I hope that by the end of this story she can finally have some rest.
ReplyDeleteAs for my responce to Snowflake catching a solar flare up side his damned fool head? Chalk it up to Human nature.
@Skay
ReplyDeleteShe's the goddess of the sun... And physics have already been proven to be on vacation from Equestria... I'm sure she could have brought the heavenly fire down faster.
On that note, whilst Snowflake's death make sense in terms of the story, it still doesn't really ring true. Maybe just because I've never been a sun god, but my first instinct, were I in Celestia's place, would be to belt Snowflake across the mouth as hard as possible. Then maybe do it a couple more times for good measure, but even so, incinerating a pony seems to be taking it a bit far.
I think I'm waffling though... MoD knows his own story and characters better than I do.
@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteTouchê, my friend. Touchê.
I don't know if this is relevant because I don't know how MaskOfData has structured his version of the Equestrian star system, but if it mirrors ours then Celestia may have dragged that solar flare from the sun at light speed, since our sun is eight light-minutes away. Just thought I'd throw that out there.
ReplyDeleteMy god.
ReplyDeleteSo much debate over this fic in 5 chapters.
And it isn't even about suspension of disbelief!
@SteelIf you go back and read what I posted, you will see that I said (repeatedly) that Snowflake and his merry band deserve punishment. In fact, I don't remember ANYONE arguing he should walk away from this without any consequences to his actions.
ReplyDelete@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteIt is high arcana, I am not required to elucidate manure?
:P
This chapter had an effect on me. I *really* disliked Snowflake for his actions against two innocent ponies, but I was horrified by what Celestia did to him. Vengeance on that level puts a pit in my stomach, and I couldn't help but view him as anymore than a mentally unstable and unhealthy individual that ended up as the target of an accumulation of centuries' frustration and aggression.
ReplyDeleteI feel that you handled the reactions of both Celestia and Rainbow Dash well; both felt a spark of twisted joy at the death of Snowflake, and were subsequently repulsed by it. It shows that though their thoughts can go to dark places, they can consciously try to buck that trend. We all have thoughts that we are not proud of at times, it's a matter of how we handle them.
Still, Snowflake's death seems like it will have profound consequences.
Wow, this is really good. Though please don't let anything really bad happen to Fluttershy. She's so cute and nice that it'd be horrible for her to die. :(
ReplyDelete@ Steel
ReplyDeleteNo one is saying retribution/punishment is bad. Immolation is a little bit different from mere punishment, though.
And, more importantly, immolation (or exploding, or "to the moon!") is basically what everyone was calling for in the comments when Fluttershy and Dash were attacked, which plays into the subtext of the story fantastically.
I don't know how MaskOfData has his version of the Equestrian star system set up, but our sun is eight light-minutes away. Assuming Celestia's magic can act instantaneously, she'd still have to drag the matter of the solar flare back at just under light speed which nicely explains why it took so long, although it still doesn't explain why she didn't cool down in that time.
ReplyDeleteOh wow, Celestia's screwed things up pretty badly for herself. By killing Snowflake instead of giving her a fair trial under the crime of assault & battery, Celestia AND all of the main 6 will be feared.
ReplyDeleteIt will most likely cause ponies to assault anypony who insults the mane cast in addition to Celestia instead of establishing that fact that murder is wrong but having an opinion is not.
Great fic so far, I still am pondering how I would get out of this mess if I were Celestia. (So far it seems almost impossible without killing oneself)
I hope this wonderful and awesome story keeps being awesome, the author can still screw up, he can actuallt let dash be crippled, wich is and old repetitive idea, he can go into some crazy adventurous way to undo trollestia´s powers, messing up is too easy. But if he continues on with making the readers feel the distress of such dilemas and makes more of them to in the end solve it all in some amazing way, then this fic will be seven out of six stars.
ReplyDeleteAnd i trust this author.
He explained Aj´s behavior very welland made me feel the idea of having a friend terrified of you for nothing!
And when celestia killed the mad pony and though Did he really think she was going to forgive him for what he had done? My hear skipped a beat because for a second i still thought that she was gonna say: Did he really think i was gonna kill him? I wanted to believe she didn´t do it, but no. She did it, and the outcome was even more awesome!
@Skay
ReplyDeleteYeah... If the kill had been instantaneous it would have been perfect for the fic.
It's not only Celestia who's going to live with the torment of going overboard with use of divine or I guess more apt to say would be Celestial punishment. Rainbow Dash may end up harboring resentment for Snowflake yes for what he did to her wings and more so to Fluttershy, but she may end up fearing and resenting Celestia more even though what Celestia did was in exact vengeance, in both of their names. That also may cause everyone else to fear and even maybe resent and blame RD and FS for what happened to Snowflake. They very well may be alienated and ostracized for this. Fluttershy as prior stated, may be paralyzed for the rest of her life, if not permanently injured her whole life. At very least she may not be able to walk without the aid of someone or something. On top of that, this event may make her retreat into her shell further and even cause her to not speak to anyone until she's ready. Other wise she may blame herself entirely not just for Rainbow Dash's injuries, but for the exceedingly violent and public death of Snowflake.
ReplyDeleteMy only regret in reading this story: THAT I DIDN'T READ IT SOONER!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt just AMAZES me at how good this is! Brilliant writing style that flows evenly, simultaneously sympathetic and abhorrent characters, and to top it all off, a brilliant story. Only five, incredibly short chapters in and it already has some MAJOR characterization! I'm just thrilled at reading this!!!!
Also, the music link in the fourth was PERFECT. I had never heard that song before, and yet the beat and just pure awesomeness that seemed to resonate from every note had me smiling, despite the disturbing imagery during that part of the story. The first link in the fifth story fit, it just wasn't my kinda song. Now, the SECOND link was not only one of my favorite pieces of classical music, but it fit the scene perfectly. Please give the proofreader who suggested it a cookie, a massive, chocolate-chip and pecan cookie, unless he/she is allergic to either.
How Celestia killed (Snowdancer?) kinda fit though. She became everypony's image of her, betraying her own feelings and personality.
This story is I think going to be proof of this movie quote: "Either you die a hero or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain."
ReplyDeleteSuddenly, TDK, TDK everywhere.
ReplyDeleteA world where Rinbow dsh can't fly...
ReplyDeleteThats too sad
Awww, poor Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash. It was so devastating to hear a possibility of Dash never to fly again. I really hope it won't turn out that way.
ReplyDeleteThis story needs a darker pic, it's very misleading...
ReplyDeleteSomeone with good artistic talent please make a picture of Celestia killing Snowflake...
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteActually, it took ten minutes. He just didn't see it until 8 minutes had past because of the speed of light think. Which means the flare is moving at....
Uh..
I'm bad at math.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI was hoping to see that in the friend-off, but no. :(
If somebody does draw something on this fic, they get insta-added to my list of proofreaders. Just sayin'
@Skay
ReplyDeleteits not out of character of her at all...for one we hardly even know anything about her and two she banished her SISTER to the moon for 1000 years and three she was extremely angry and its quite easy to be blinded by rage, she knows what she did was wrong but she did nothing wrong
I'm honestly not sure if I'm more upset/disappointed with Celestia for killing Snowflake or for proving everypony who thinks she's a tyrant right.
ReplyDeleteAnd I realize that the two are linked, but even if the latter had happened in another way that didn't result in Snowflake's death, my feelings probably wouldn't be too different.
Excellent part 5. And in response to above posts, while I don't LIKE the fact that Celestia just incinerated a pony (I like her as a sympathetic character...), the story is much more interesting and can explore a much deeper range of issues if Celestia is forced to confront the fact that while she doesn't want to be a tyrant, she has the capacity to be. So curse you for your portrayal of Celestia, MaskOfData, and bravo to you for taking this story in the direction that allows for the best development.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the anon above me. Saying that Princess Celestia has been going through this for I thousands of years. People fear her and it pisses her off. It saddens her.
ReplyDeleteIf you held that anger for over thousands years you will SNAP. Even the most kindest person has a bad side if you know how to push the buttions.
Sorry about how I sounded its just that, I dunno if I can express my self correctly on how I feel here. Its just that while I do not condone what has happened to Snowflake at a logical level I can understand it and the reaction people had at a gut level and why most folks were for "Kill the Monster" ...also most folks were most likely Genra Aware enough to know that Snowflake was toast the SECOND the Princess said "What Have you Done?" ... ah dear I did not mean to make a pun.
ReplyDeleteEveryone, no matter who has 2 sides. It doesn't matter how nice they are. If you step to far over the line that nice person can become your worse nightmare.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeletePerhaps she has had that rage build up for quite awhile. But that doesn't change the fact Celestia had eight full minutes to think it over. Eight minutes is NOT a brief moment in time.
Last time I checked, SOME anger tends to subside in a matter of minutes. Again there's also the fact there is a frightened pegasus in front of her. Most likely begging for his life.
@Thesyn
ReplyDeleteI'll say the same thing I just said. In the chapter her decision to execute Snowflake was spontaneous, it took EIGHT FULL MINUTES for the solar flare to reach the two.
This is far too long for a sudden decision. It doesn't matter how angry someone gets. Now unless that pegasus was antagonizing Celestria (which I highly doubt) I can't picture her holding an intent to kill for that long. She could have just as easily released the pegasus and stopped the solar flare on her own.
That being said, perhaps Celestria wanted Snowflake dead for what he did to Dash and Fluttershy. If that's the case, then she would be killing a pony in front of an entire town. Something she would know adds to the image of her she is trying to destroy.
Remember, she had several minutes to think over executing Snowflake. In previous chapters she has also shown a degree of self control in several incidents.
@Crimson Valor
ReplyDeleteI will now quote Chapter 5:
"Eight minutes later, she saw she was wrong. A tendril had broken off from the sun, and was moving closer faster then she had ever seen anything move. The white pegasus saw it too. Even though he was at least a thousand feet in the air, Twilight could have sworn she heard the screams."
I know I'm putting up quite a few posts here, but seriously, if you're going to make an argument at least check your facts.
@Skay
ReplyDeleteokay lets look at it like this .. you're a parent and you see two of your kids' friends laid before you by their attacker, beaten and bloodied. These kids are practically one of the family due to how close they are to your kid. Now lets take away real world logic in first impulse would be to either call the cops or attacker. One's first impulse is usually to beat the high holy crap out of the attacker until either sense hits them that they've gone too far, someone yanks 'em off or they've gone too far and are still going. Celestia took the ladder of the three options and made the most public example possible since I'm pretty sure given how close Twilight Sparkle is to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, she holds them in the same regard. She snapped, did something she regrets and now has to live with all the consequences that come. It's not out of character, it's reaction that anyone would have.
@ Skay
ReplyDeleteI didn't take it as being simple rage (and I think it was actually 10 minutes. 8 minutes for the flare to start. 2 minutes for it to reach Snowflake after Twilight first saw it. Though I admit I might have misread that). It seemed clear to me that while she was drumming up the power to execute Snowflake on the spot, she enjoyed it. The bloodlust was there, and she not only gave into it but welcomed it.
Rage was the catalyst that put her into that state, but that wasn't what caused her to kill his ass dead.
"She giggled slightly, remembering Snowflake’s begging when he first saw the flare.."
She fried his ass because she was drunk on power and loving it, and she didn't even realize what she had done until she stopped to think about it (or why she had done it, because it took her even more time to remember Dash and Fluttershy). That implies something far greater is wrong then her getting angry.
Which I suppose means I don't really disagree with you at all, but the problem I have is that I wouldn't go so far as to call it "out of character."
It seemed to me to just be her becoming what she feared. An out of body experience, if you will, brought on by the rage of the moment as well as the past 1000 years.
The entire situation actually reminds me somewhat of the dangers mentioned in the "World of Cardboard" speech that Superman gave at the end of Justice League Unlimited.
Whoah. Didn't see that one coming. I'm really interested to see how she reconciles this and also if she finds out who the gestapo ponies are.
ReplyDeleteI was half-expecting a "Tell me why I shouldn't kill you right now" just for fun.
ReplyDeleteIt would actually fit Celestia's character.
Wow, this fic went from sad to disturbing, but in a thought provoking way.
ReplyDeleteBut as for Snowflake: "Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you. ... But if you do wrong, be afraid, for (s)he does not bear the sword for nothing. (S)he is... an agent of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer."
Rainbow Dash in a very bad state, might never be able to fly well again, or in years...
ReplyDeleteFluttershy in a critical state, possible damages to her Vertebral column, no telling to the extend of the damages on her wings, might die or barely manage to live...
Not sure how to put this, but... This story has, from what I'm seeing at each new parts, deviated from the original setting of ''Celestia feeling depressed and trying to get help to get better, for her and her subjects.'', and now it's heading toward ''How much **** can we dump on the other ponies of the Main Cast, and anypony in fact, while saying it's because of Celestia.''
Maybe I'm just seeing things... but something doesn't seem right... What ? I'm not sure to be able to point the exact thing...
How has it deviated, Nova? All this bad shit going down is a result of how Celestia's subjects see her, and how her subjects see her is a principal cause of her current fragile mental state.
ReplyDeleteThe author isn't just changing things up on the fly; the setting has been established and now events are unfolding and the setting is evolving as a result. I don't mean to be glib, but there isn't anything unusual here, this is really the way stories generally tend to unfold.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI do agree that I'm taking "It got worse" and beating it to death with it's own corpse (which is actually the subject of our skype group chat on the story, thanks to a proofreader,) but I think the story needed to go this way. It's just what I saw happening next.
Wow I knew what was coming but it was still dramatic to actually read. To those that question why she did what she did nor snap out of it in the eight minutes it took to do it. Remember that she was running wild on her own power, blinded by her own rage fueled magic. A thousand years of anger and frustration were released in that moment focused on a single target, and would not be quieted down until said target felt the full force of that anger and frustration. And once Celestia calmed down the magnitude of her actions sank in and she regretted it. In that moment she became the tyrant she never wanted to be.
ReplyDeleteWhat happend to Dash and Fluttershy is a result of the fanaticism others have for Celestia. This will all add to the stress and and depression she is feeling. Everything she has tried to change the view ponies have of her has only made things worse. Here she came to Ponyville to escape from all that and once again only made things worse. A mob had beaten two innocent ponies half to death in her name and then she publicly executed the leader of the mob for doing so in probably the most dramatic way possible. Every pony will fear her all the more and by extension fear the Mane Six by proxy.
I do fear that things may be escalating out of control and there will be no adequate way to resolve and fix everything. But I'm not the author so I hope that MaskofData has a proper resolution planed out.
Additionally it is amazing how much discussion and debate this story has greeted. It is often a good sign when a story gets people talking.
ReplyDeleteThis is the best fanfic ever.
ReplyDeleteEVER.
@SomeGuy
ReplyDeleteAlternatively, considering that the story is both Sad and Grimdark, there won't be a way to resolve and fix everything. I find it not unlikely that the Mane Six attempting to take away Celestia's power will be overheard and misinterpreted, leading to more bloodshed, leading to Celestia snapping, leading to lots of fire and insanity everywhere, leading to an ending with Luna trying to pick up the pieces.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete*bows*
Thank you!
Part 5: Author lost me, will not continue to read the story.
ReplyDeleteUp until that point, it seemed Celestia was the victim here and she had my sympathies as she hadn't done anything to deserve it.
Part 5: Sorry, seems there's a good reason they feel that way. The story is heading down a very dark path, rather not continue to read but it started out good though.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteOh, look, somepony who doesn't like character development. The point of the story is that Celestia is becoming what she hates.
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete*Oh, look, someone who* makes a comment voicing no opinion or anything interesting.
Tabuu's Boss theme from Smash Bros. Brawl went good with Snowflake's death and Celestia's rage sequence.
ReplyDeleteCharacter development is fine but the story now has two conclusions to it:
ReplyDelete1.) Celestia, will become what she fears and will have to be put down.
2.) Celestia, will lose her powers, then immediately all the subjects who feared her will go after her for revenge.
Story started out good because Celestia was innocent and the central plot point was her trying to have her subjects love her out of love, not fear.
Murder, it is murder, you've lost that argument, before it was everyone acting out of ignorance and fear. Now, seems that fear is well founded, a dark ending is all that's left.
Unless the author ignores what they have written and in that case, don't want to read it either.
... Dude... anything but the wings, man... That shit hurts the soul, man...
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThere are GrimDark/Sad stories on this site that have pulled off happy-ish endings from situations that looked quite a bit more dire than what is currently happening in this one, including examples where things were up shit creek with only one or two chapters left to go.
That's another thing: Its far too early in the story (we are still likely in the setup chapters, as Celestia hasn't even talked to Rarity of Pinkie Pie yet) to go "well, this things gonna end terribly so I might as well not bother reading it anymore."
Just because a Rocks Fall Everyone Dies ending is a possibility doesn't mean that the story is definitely going to end that way.
This is so annoyingly well written it provokes emotions. You're doing an absolutely astounding job with this, please keep it up. I sincirely enjoy this read - being able to picture every scene in my head without any missing details - you've got a talent. I'm glad you're putting it to use. Once again, keep it up - i'm hooked on your story and anxious to see what happens next.
ReplyDelete@Draggi
ReplyDeleteI will defiantly keep it up. I'm pretty sick with the flu at the moment, so it might be a while, but this story will be finished.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteFor possible endings, I feel you've left out:
3.) Celestia becomes what she fears, gives into her bloodlust and happily assumes the role of the tyrant which her subjects have invented for her. Her reign of fear continues unchallenged for thousands of years.
4.) The mane cast find a way to fix things so that everyone is happy, like they always do.
As others have pointed out before me, removing Celestia's powers would either result in her death at the hands of her subjects or transfer all of her burdens onto the other god-sister.
What if they magicked it so that the sun and moon rise on their own, then disguise Luna and Celestia as regular ponies and let them go into hiding? Anything is possible.
Also, Celestia was never innocent. She accidentally sent a bunch of miner-ponies do their deaths in chapter 1.
What she did to Snowflake cannot be called murder in cold blood either. It should be considered capitol punishment at best, and a crime of passion at worst.
Is there going to be a part 6 and onward? if part 5 is the end its kind of a cliffhanger.
ReplyDeletepart 6 part 6 part 6 part 6
ReplyDeleteCan you guess what I want?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou get a part 6, okay? I just have a pretty bad flu right now, so I can't write as well. As such, it's going to be about 3 days before you get it.
(Maybe sooner, if you're good ponies)
I for one am truly hoping to not see the emergence of "Frightmare Flare", or whatever people want to call her (Nightmare speaks of night and fits Luna's evil alter, not that fitting for Celestia though).
ReplyDeleteI want this release of pent up rage to me more of a break down event, and not a rage out event. I hate to see Celly in pain, but I'd rather see her pain than her evil. I do hope there is some real redemption in this story...
And Dashie must fly again. Fluttershy must recover. If not... then sad as it may sound, I would certainly feel no remorse for the vaporized.
Still, I think that the reactions of the mane six will be the most powerful... and possibly the most damning. Once the dust settles, and the urgency of the medical emergency wanes... When Fluttershy wakes... When Rainbow Dash is doing well enough to speak her mind... Pinkie Pie, Apple Jack, Rarity... I can't imagine. Most of all, the look Twilight will give her mentor once her focus can leave her injured friends... after her clearly disgusted reaction to the scene from outside of town. I think it'll bore to the core of Celestia's very soul. I'm not sure words will even ultimately be necessary.
I feel sorry or all of them, but Celestia... I feel the utmost pained sorrowful pity for what she has gone through.
I also hold no ill will for the outburst. An entire world has been slowly driving her insane. Regardless of whether he could have ever known... he committed a horrific crime, and deserved punishment. He had 8 full minutes to settle his soul, repent, and come to terms with his ultimate fate. He had more time for penitence than most get at their deaths. I honestly have no pity for Snowflake.
Part 6 just got submitted. I'm starting on 7 now.
ReplyDeleteF5ing all up in this bitch.
ReplyDeleteHad to try really, REALLY HARD not to wake up the rest of the house with laughter at the "it’s like you’re sleeping in a mound of snowflakes" line...
ReplyDelete...I felt terrible about it afterwards though.
This just keeps getting better and better.
ReplyDeleteI liked how Pinkie Pie was subtly telling them to shut up in her own way.
ReplyDeleteThat is such a cheery image for this story...
ReplyDeleteMOOOOAR
ReplyDelete@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteWell, I wasn't planning on not reading anymore; this is a good read.
When I started reading, the story only had the [Sad] tag. Then [Grimdark] popped up, and for good reason. I could tell it was starting to get rough.
I just don't like anything that has to do with the wings, man. That's just too much bawww for me. x(
I am liking the story so far, but there is one thing in this new chapter that stood out for me. Luna is the one Pony who would not be afraid of Celestia. Remember, she was strong enough that Celestia needed outside help (The elements) to defeat way back when, so Luna would be just as capable of defending herself as Celestea is of attacking. Now if Luna was afraid FOR Celestia, that would be different, and better. It would also make things interesting if Luna was used as a foil to the others, as she has the same powers, but no one even seems to acknowledge it. Maybe use that as a conflict point?
ReplyDeleteOnly thing I dislike about this story is SHORT CHAPTERS! Rhg! I blasted through chapter 6 in 10 minutes flat.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteA lot of people have been throwing around the theory that Luna was weakened by the elements when NM was purged... if MoD is thinking along those lines, it'd be no surprise to find Luna wary.
@Crimson Valor
ReplyDeleteAnd we have a weekend Hiatus due to me being gone.
Sorry.
Chapter 7 will be long, I promise.
Great fic that Mask has made, portrays Celestia realistically.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Luna was afraid of Celestia. I think it was fear for Celestia, and possibly shock at what Celestia did.
ReplyDeleteI really like how you used Pinkie in this chapter, as a sort of emotional rock to snap all of her friends out of their thoughts as they turned to despair. And I'm anxious to see what Luna's take on the situation is, especially after how she responded to Celestia directly.
There are 270+ comments and 300 ratings.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap.
@B.
ReplyDeleteSuch is the power of Celestia, Bringer of the Day and Ruler of Equestria!
I really can't wait for the next update.
ReplyDelete@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteWell well, perfectly timed to coincide with my weeklong vacation with no internet. -_-
more, more more more, i love this story so much. i just hope it has a happy ending thats my one thing i would make sure this story had. i love grimdark into happy ending which i just don't see enough of. and i'm SOOOOO happy the author brought Luna into this, i can't give this more thumbs up if i tried.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDelete>>Now if Luna was afraid FOR Celestia, that would be different, and better.
For what my opinion is worth, I read Luna's reaction as grasping for some way to comfort Celestia, and deciding to praise her work as Luna wished someone had praised hers so many years ago.
She's an ancient, nigh-omnipotent, emotionally unstable sun goddess.
ReplyDeleteAnd the thing I most want is to give her a hug.
Confound these deities, they drive me to pathos.
I think Luna has every right to be scared right now. Even though they're sisters, she saw somepony get executed. It's not the warmest homecoming, especially if you have a rap sheet.
ReplyDeleteI hope the resolution to the story's conflict involves sisterly love, somehow.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI have about four possible endings. So...
Maybe.
That little part of AJ's about the solar flare list...where in heck have I heard something like that before...
ReplyDeleteI like the confirmation of more soon down at the bottom, last part almost made me think it was a cliffhanger
ReplyDeleteThis is the only fic I have actually gotten excited about an update
I need to find out what Luna has to say, and you go on Vacation?
ReplyDeletePerhaps Snowflake wasn't the only one who needs to get whipped with a Solar Flare ; ;
Let's face it, considering Gilda getting all that hate for just yelling at Fluttershy, ya'll would probably have done the same thing Celestia did to Snowflake if you were in her horse-shoes.
ReplyDeleteBest. Fanfic. EVAR.
ReplyDeleteI gotta say, for the most part this felt like a filler chapter. Nothing new happens which involves the injured pegasi or Celestia and Twilight...
ReplyDeleteEven bringing Luna in didn't really add anything to the plot. I mean, we get it, everyone is acting all scared that Celestia will unleash her wrath upon them and they keep making these unnecessary gestures of appeasement. Celestia feels hurt, etcetera etcetera....
The moment it started to get interesting was, sadly, also the ending. Hope the next chapters have a bit more action/drama.
Really liked the choice of music this time, btw.
ReplyDelete@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteWell, this chapter did cool down a bit. It wasn't filler, per say, but I needed to write some reactions, which are generally slower then action chapters. Anyway, you get some more injured ponies in the hospital in the next chapter. Specifically, Fluttershy's reaction to the whole thing.
Well, at least, if the Luna scene doesn't take to long. I have two ways to go with this, and I might wind up scrapping a large amount of writing if I don't like it. Anyway, Seth should have a new part by Monday Night.
Jesus christ the awesomeness of this is just awesome...
ReplyDelete@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteI just hope that you don't spend too much time describing reactions or events that we can pretty much fill in for ourselves by now.
Like for example Applejack assuming the worst about Celestia and being concerned for her family's wellbeing. Or servants/guards cowering before Twilight. It's kinda obvious by now that they would react this way.
This story doesn't sit right with me. The characters up are so far removed from the reality portrayed in the show, it's jarring. I don't mean to criticize your writing. You are a good writer, and you certainly managed to stir up a few emotions with your description of what happened to Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. But your characterization is pretty far off.
ReplyDeleteI cannot imagine any scenario in the show where a bloodthirsty mob would attempt to murder two of the mane six. For that matter, I cannot imagine a scenario in real life where such a mob would be so motivated.
Ponyville is a small town where everyone conceivably knows each other. Snowflake and Rainbow have apparently even worked together for some time. Yet his immediate reaction to a relatively inocuous offense is to beat her mercilessly and cripple her for life. This does not strike me as a natural reaction. I get that there's a lot of fear simmering on the proverbial cooker, but why is everyone's first reaction the most illogical one?
If I knew the tyrannical princess was in town and my friend started running his mouth about her, my reaction would be to slap my hand over his mouth before he gets himself in trouble, not smash him over the head with a shovel.
@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteIf nothing else, I think the Applejack scene was worth it to get some Pinkie Pie character development done.
@G.
This strikes me as a somewhat odd thing to express when there was a full-blown riot in Vancouver over a hockey game just a few days ago.
@G.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing which I think is important is that Celestia is not just Equestria's absolute ruler, she's an apparently-immortal goddess of immense power who controls the sun and moon. I also expect that almost no one knows what the full extent of her powers is, as she's the only source and there's no guarantee she wouldn't lie about them.
Rioting over a sporting event involves a completely different set of emotions. Furthermore, causing property damage to people you don't know is a lot different than attempting to murder people you do.
ReplyDeleteThe mob scene would have made a lot more sense if the people *actually* loved Celestia instead of fearing her. In that case, you could make a case for blind love being the mob's motivation. Instead people are trying to murder
1. people they've presumably known for most of their lives
2. for the benign offense of saying Celestia seems like any other pony
3. based on a fear which far exceeds anything depicted in the show, even in A Bird in the Hoof
4. on the slim chance that Celestia might hear what Fluttershy said and have them all killed, which is itself completely illogical
5. even though they were apparently hundreds of feet in the air at the time.
It's a lot to bite off and chew. I understand the mob mentality makes people behave in strange ways, but if you put actual human beings in a situation like this, I don't think they would act like this.
@G.
ReplyDelete"4. on the slim chance that Celestia might hear what Fluttershy said and have them all killed, which is itself completely illogical"
That's just it, to them it might not be illogical. Celestia is an immortal goddess who can move the sun and the moon; her being omniscient probably is not that far-fetched to those ponies who don't know her.
@G.
ReplyDeleteIt seemed to me that the mob was acting out of a combination of love and fear.
Note how the first thing Snowflake did when the mob were done with Fluttershy and Dash was drag their bodies to the house that they all knew Celestia was staying in. If it was pure motivation out of fear, there would have been no reason to do that (and it in fact would have been counterproductive).
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThat's an interesting and insightful point, but there's been nothing in the show or in the story to suggest this might be the case. During the mob scene, the author made sure to mention a passing guard:
"A guard flew below, not paying much attention. Everypony in the sky began to breathe faster, tensing up. They were terrified."
The reason for this line wasn't made very clear in the chapter, but I think the reason the author included it was to suggest the guard pony might overhear the conversation, then inform the princess. No mention of Celestia's ability to hear everywhere at once.
@TenchiFreak5
See, this underscores the whole problem I have with this story. The mob's motivations and intentions should be clear. But they aren't.
In fact, I thought the crux of this story was that the people *don't* love Celestia, and that their obsequiousness is instead a product of their fear. From Ch1:
"Her citizens all loved her, and something wasn’t right about that. Well, loved wasn’t the right word. Celestia knew that much. The right word would be feared. They were deathly afraid of her. Afraid that she would decide to let the sun go out, that she would kill them all if they didn’t treat her perfectly. She was a tyrant, and she had never even tried."
Furthermore, the line I quoted to Anonymous and the dialogue that follows it make it pretty clear the mob was acting out of fear.
"'Oh, screaming, am I?' Snowflake said, scanning the crowd. 'Well, maybe I should be! If you’re stupid enough to think Celestia could possibly be wrong, then maybe you’re stupid enough to get us all in trouble! ... And, maybe ... we need to stop you from doing so!'"
Also, apparently it's logical for Snowflake to attempt to murder people for being disrespectful to the princess, *after* he himself implied Celestia is gay:
"Rather rudely, Snowflake interrupted her again ... 'That pony is so lucky! I didn’t even know Celestia was into-'"
Makes sense.
@G.
ReplyDeleteOh, interesting. Well, here, let me clear things up:
Snowflake was acting mostly out of love for Celestia. When he implied Celestia was gay, he was jealous of females. He did think Celestia and Twilight had a "thing," but he didn't even know if it was mutual or not. His thought process was something like:
"Celestia gets what Celestia wants, because she is beautiful and perfect in every way."
While he did play off fear, he was deliberately using mob mentality to try to get a reward for himself. When he heard Fluttershy "Disrespect" Celestia, he himself was offended, and thought she had to be punished, because he loves Celestia that much. He was a fanatic. The friendship between him and Fluttershy/Rainbow was second to his love for Celestia, so he didn't think twice.
I will have to say, while I enjoyed the story the best I could, I will admit that at times I felt the plot, and characters was forced in order to make them fear her. I had a hard time believing it at times.
ReplyDelete@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteThe fear and devotion you're seeking to portray is typical of actual authoritarian states e.g. Nazi Germany, Maoist China, or North Korea under Kim Jong-il. In that respect, what you've written is accurate. The problem is that there are a few key ingredients which are *missing* in this story: a cult of personality, a core ideology to rally around, a scapegoat to galvanize the populace (the Jews for Hitler, the capitalists for Mao, the West for Kim, etc.), soaring nationalism, secret police, gulags or re-education camps, and a culture of fear.
None of those elements are present, and prior to obliterating Snowflake, Celestia had never really done anything to inspire anyone to be afraid of her. As such, it's difficult for me to suspend disbelief. I just can't understand how the population of Equestria could ever come to be so thoroughly brainwashed.
@G.
ReplyDeleteYou clearly forget the MOST IMPORTANT detail in regards to the "devotion" of Celestia's subjects... Religion.
These ponies BELIEVE they have a god that walks among them, and that changes EVERYTHING. What happens when cultures fear divine retribution from the god they believe in. What happens when people want to act in a manner to please the gods they believe. I find it so amazing that after 10 years, and a couple wars, people have already seemingly forgotten the sheer extremity of the fanatic believer of an angry god. I recall a few years back, some nut jobs who were so convinced they'd be pleasing their invisible idol by killing a few "infidels" that they were stupid enough to crash a handful of planes into some innocent people in a couple buildings. It's not just those radicalized nuts.
Centuries ago, people also waged a war in the name of the God I myself believe. They called those the Crusades, and they were a sad reminder of how fanaticism can corrupt whole nations. There was also another dark time in history called the Inquisition. That was a horrific example of fanaticism that spilled into the daily lives of people. You could not THINK WRONG. I'm ashamed to have had people misuse the name of God for such evil.
Those radicalized freaks were following a belief founded in nothing more than political or dogmatic manipulation, historical lore, and mythology. They had no physical idols in their face to worship. No one claimed to be deified or any such thing. Some of them made idols, such as relics, or saw unfounded holiness in religious leaders. Many had never read the words that their beliefs were founded on, and so, only followed the false words of leaders.
Now imagine that you live in a world where there IS a physical, living being, who you've seen has the power to raise, or not raise, the sun (they have seen the sun not rise when she went missing). They know she is older than any other living generation, and don't doubt that she is millennia old. She is also a GIANT among ponies. a PHYSICALLY awesome specimen of strength and beauty.
These ponies believe Celestia is a divine being, and she physically manifests her presence in the physical world of Equestria, ruling directly...
and that throws all level of political radicalization out the window. These ponies are RELIGIOUS fanatics, and that changes EVERYTHING.
Celestia has an uphill battle on her hands.
She lives in a worlds that deifies her, and has become religiously fanaticized.
Hey mask, you never told me why you hate the word "fillyfooler". Could you explicate?
ReplyDeleteI'm finding it harder and harder to give a shit about what happened to Snowflake. And the irony of that is not lost on me.
ReplyDeleteBump this to 6-star, Seth. Anon commands it!
ReplyDeleteThis story... is just SO. DAMN. GOOD.
ReplyDelete@Narwhals' Bend\
ReplyDeleteWell, "Fillly" means a horse younger then four years. And the characters on the show refer to their younger selves as "Fillies." So, whenever anybody uses it, I think of pedophilia.
Also, I really dislike shipping. It's possible for people to be really close friends, to love each other even, without the intimacy (albeit implied) I see in most shipping fics I've browsed because I'd been asked to read them in an e-mail. I just don't see the point.
@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteThe way I see it, they use the word "filly" instead of "girl" interchangeably in the show so it has nothing to do with pedophilia to me. I think of it something like having a "fillyfriend" instead of a "girlfriend". If I were to say I had a girlfriend, I would not mean she is young. I see why you might connect the word to pedophilia, but you must know that it's not meant to be that. Thanks for answering.
As per disliking shipping, I know there are quite a few people who never read shipping so you're not alone there!
Anyway, thanks for answering and I hope you understand none of us are actually implying pedophilia.
@Narwhals' Bend
ReplyDeleteI know that's not what you mean, it just comes to mind for me.
Also, it's mostly my hate of shipping.
[note: There is nothing wrong with liking shipping, and I don't hate shippers. I just dislike it.]
I finally decided to try the story out even though I hate Tyrant Celestia, and read the first chapter. Well written, I think, but I still didn't like it. I hate Tyrant Celestia. There is nothing in the show to seriously indicate a widescale fear of Celestia. The ponies fear of disappointing Celestia in the show isn't due to them thinking that she would harm them in any way, it's all due to them holding her is such high esteem that to displease her would be horrible.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, there could be a really interesting story in showing Celestia's depression and anger at having such a distant relationship from her subjects, but a story based on how everybody fears her isn't very interesting to me.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@richfiles
ReplyDeleteI think you've hit the nail on the head with regards to the root cause of Celestia's problems.
We all know how bad religious fanatics are in a world without a demonstrable god.
In a world where gods actually do exist, the problem is going to be orders of magnitude worse.
The only way out I can see for Celestia once she figures this out is to make Equestria more like our universe, with the day/night cycle working on its own.
Hmm I wonder, could the Everfree forest have been a testing platform for the possibility of Celestia giving up her godhood?
Well... I am mildly depressed now.
ReplyDeleteWHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO FLUTTERSHY
ReplyDeleteWHYYYYYYYYYY
my night is ruined
good fanfic so far though
So, I read "something happened to fluttershy"
ReplyDeleteAnd then I said out loud "Fuck."
@richfiles
ReplyDeleteGreat point. As far as a motivation for what befell Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, zealotry makes a lot of sense. But I have to point out that the religion angle hasn't really been explored in the story itself. Hitherto, the ponies' fear and adulation of Celestia has been described using politically loaded words like "tyrant," not words that connote religious reverence like "holy" or "savior" or "goddess."
There are a lot of people here who've come up with a lot of great explanations for what's occurred in the plot. But in order for the story to stand strong, these dots need to be connected in the narrative, not in the comments section on ED.
The author is clearly talented, and there are a lot of great ideas here, which is why I'm still reading and posting. The story still feels rather flimsy to me because a lot of those ideas haven't been developed enough. It's like building a table with legs made out of spaghetti. The tabletop may be the most beautiful marble you've ever laid eyes on, but unless the foundations are made of firmer stuff, the whole thing falls down.
That said, COMMENTS ON THE RECENT UPDATE:
I liked this chapter. Mostly because of the ongoing drama surrounding Rainbow and Fluttershy. I've read so many stories where something horrible happens to RD, the doctors tell her she won't be able to fly again... and then Twilight fixes it all with one spell. Thank goodness this fic has stayed away from the deus ex machinas.
The conversation with Luna seemed a bit pointless. I was hoping she would reveal something significant to drive the plot forward, but it didn't amount to anything at all.
@Sun Ray
ReplyDelete^ I think you're getting a little too agitated over a handful of artists depictions of bad things happening to a fictional character. There are plenty of fan-works where Rainbow Dash becomes a Wonderbolt and gets laid with Spitfire and/or additional ponies. If that's the sort of thing you're looking for then I suggest you head over to the RBD 'shipping' category of the fanfiction quadrant of this very site. Where you can find RBD getting her romance on with willing partners ranging from Gummy to Soarin's Apple Pie. Many of said shipfiction I have read and enjoyed.
The reason why RBD, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie get picked on so much in fanfiction is because they have so much going for them. Because they're usually so happy it's more moving to see them brought down. TV Tropes calls it 'break the cutie,' I believe, and it's why we hardly see any fanfiction of Luna being cut, disemboweled or eviscerated.
Also, RBD actually gets off pretty easy in this story. The doctors say she'll be grounded for a year but knowing her determination she should be back in the sky in 6 months tops. Fluttershy gets it much worse. If you ARE looking for fics where RBD gets ****ed for life, I suggest you read 'Lackluster.' Where more misery gets piled onto RBD than I'd know what to do with.
As for the latest chapter, I have to give it to G. at least so far as the Luna scenes are concerned. Was hoping for more plot development from her, maybe even a revelation about her sister and her situation. Now it turns out she is as clueless as everyone else. A definite lack of direction has started to show in these last two chapters.
May I make a suggestion? Let Celestia onto the dark path. She needs an outlet for her guilt, or at least some way to numb the pain. She's already shown us that she can find pleasure in exercising her divine authority over other pony's lives. And Luna's words make her out to be impossible to overthrow, even by other gods. Why wouldn't Celestia let herself become drunk with power? That would take her mind off the suffering she's caused. And her student and her friends could become used to receiving preferential treatment, in time anyway.
My God...
ReplyDeleteOh my God...
Oh my Celly...
Oh my Luna.
That last chapter...
That just got updated...
I completely bawled my fucking eyes out, Mask.
That is like the shortest chapter and only fanfic I've ever fucking read that had me instantly pouring shit from my eyes, Fuck!
No more grinning and happiness in the story anymore.
My goodness...
Fluttershy...
I cried, I fucking cried.
Those fucking bastards who beat Fluttershy...
My poor, sweet, kind Fluttershy...
On that hospital bed, beaten, empty eyes...
My Celly...
Poor funloving, misunderstood, caring, troubled Celestia...
...Pinkie Pie's angst and tears...
Why so short, Mask?
Why?
More.
Right now, Mask.
You fucker, I command you.
Sorry, I did not mean that "you fucker" right up there, but I meant every-fucking-thing else. That is all seriousness and the truth. Seriously, I cried. Keep up the great and swift work, Mask of Data. I appriciate your work, good sir. This would be a great story to write a song about.
My apologies for this long, ass, comment and my colourful vocabulary, also.
~ISMBOFepicly
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThank you very much. I'm really glad I have the writing talent to make somebody cry!
(Does that make me a bad person?)
A few things, they're relatively small, and not that important:
ReplyDeleteUsing "arm" when none of the characters have them struck me as odd. Not wrong per se, just a bit odd.
Pinkie cried during the reunion of Celestia and Luna. Those were happy tears, of course, not sad tears, but she did cry then, unless the scene went differently in your story.
Lastly, the dialogue between Luna and Twilight was strange. Did Luna hear Twilight when she told her her sister just killed somepony? From reading I couldn't tell if she didn't and just rambled, or did and rambled regardless. I would have thought the revelation of murder (or revenge killing) would provoke some sort of reaction.
...Unless that isn't something that surprised her...
>Celestia said, sounding panicked. “Something happened. With Fluttershy.”
ReplyDelete-I swear... IF the author pull a crappy stupid ''she's dead''... there's will be blood and vengeance!
>There is a possibility you won’t be able to walk again. Flying again is unlikely.
-Right now, I'm aiming at a ''certain person'' with a catapult and a collection of *Boot to the Head*
...I wonder if the author will return to Celestia and ''The Sun is tired'' and stop wasting chapters on ''torturing/tormenting'' RD and Flutershy (almost 2 entire chapters now, with them suffering in a way or another)...
Seriously, it's almost like the author enjoy dumping crap on Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy... Does he hate them or enjoy seeing them squirm in pain or something ?? This is starting to look strange...
@Nova25
ReplyDeletefor your perusal: http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BreakTheCutie
@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteThis might be an explanation, but this is not a justification.
But the author does what he wants... Who knows ? He might decide to do 3 more parts on how RD and Fluttershy are now miserable and in pain and desesperate and etc, or maybe he will switch to another one...
I guess I'm just tired to see again and again and again, always the same thing...
Once you nailed a nail, no need to bash on it again.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteWell, next chapter is almost a 100% Celly. So... Yeah, no Fluttershy or Dash for a while.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteI've noticed a recurring theme with your comments on ED. Anytime there's a story that's the slightest bit dark, wherein something tragic or grievous befalls one of the characters, you're always there to jeer at it and criticize the author.
Let me defend this work for once.
Scroll up to the story post. The tags there say [Sad] and [Grimdark]. And what you get... is exactly what it says on the box. If stories with those tags bother you, don't read them. But don't rag on the author because he or she didn't follow the same formula as the show and write a story with a happy ending.
Rainbow Dash is my favorite of the mane six. I like her more than all the other characters on the show combined. That being said, Cupcakes is one of my favorite MLP fanfics of all time.
How can I justify liking Cupcakes even though Rainbow Dash suffers horribly? Because I can separate my subjective feelings for the characters and my objective opinions about a writer's work. Cupcakes makes a lot of people feel unsettled and disturbed, but I think it's a great piece because of that reason. It sets out to provoke an emotional response, and it does it very, very well.
So please, if you're going to take issue with a story, do it for good reasons. Down't just downvote it because "grr I hate shipping" or "grah I hate grimdark," because that's unfair to the author and everyone else who might like to read the author's stories.
@G.
ReplyDeleteCan I quote you on that? Sums up my feelings about Cupcakes perfectly.
This is a good story, although I think the fear of Celestia is waaaay over the top, but the story wouldn't work otherwise.
ReplyDeleteI was suprised that the pegasi would beat dash and fluttershy up so badly instead of just frogmarching them to the princess. Celestia's reaction was justified, possibly even restrained.
It would have been just as easy to vapourise half the town with radioactive fire...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteSorry, I was over reacting a little there. I just decided that day I should be depressed, so I read a bunch of these freaking grimdark and sad fanfics just for the heck of it. I still thought this was good, though. You cool, brah!
@ismbof
ReplyDeleteWell, crying is always a compliment to the author. I means I can get a physical emotional response from a reader, which is really hard to do. So... thanks!
(Glad you enjoyed. I have posted part 8 on ponychan early, if you want to read. It's not done yet, but we get a cool nightmare.)
I have pre-read both versions of Chapter 8. Come prepared, or hyper-mode will make you shit your pants.
ReplyDeleteNormal chapter 8 is nothing if you've read Cupcakes.
For people comparing this to Nightmare's banishment, keep in mind, that wasn't personal.
ReplyDeleteFrom what we know, Nightmare didn't hurt anypony before getting mooned.
While threatening the world is bad, it's not the sort of thing a person can get REALLY worked up over. Do you know the world? No. You're saving it cuz it's the right thing to do. But when they mess with your friends, who you know and love, then it's time to drop the saddlefucking PAIN TRAIN.
And when it was done in your name...
Solar Flaring that fucker? TOTALLY justified.
The full nightmare wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Oh well, maybe next time. Otherwise, this is a very well-done story.
ReplyDeletethe nightmare wasn't that bad. Am I made of iron? no. I just feel that Snowflake got what he deserved and others suffering for it is his problem(and theirs), not Celestia's. So most of the nightmare just didn't feel real enough to hurt.
ReplyDeleteIn chapter 8, I have problems with Celestia mentioning that she's bad at public speaking. She's been around for thousands of years, and making speeches is a skill rather than a talent. It'd make more sense for Celestia to doubt her ability to craft an alluring speech due to the horrible circumstances of the moment rather than her not being good at them in the best of times.
ReplyDeleteI realise that everyone fears and reveres her, lessening the need for her to be an effective public speaker, but still - thousands of years of life experience here.
Otherwise, I'm liking the story, even if it is putting my favorite character through the wringer.
Celestia: "YOU BEAT UP FLUTTERSHY?! HERESY!!!
ReplyDeleteSnowflake: "Oh sh-
*Snowflake gets killed by a solar flare*
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Celestia declares herself unfit to rule in the next chapter. It seems a likely outcome given how events are unfolding.
ReplyDeleteAs for Celestia's nightmare, I can really see her having one like that. I feel sorry for her after reading the full version of it.
part 8.5 is surprisingly good. i thought it would be waaayyy out of story and ...well... gory. the goriness adds to the 'fun' really entertaining. convinced me of celestias feelings.MOD how old r u? becuz u r a GENIUS! combing those horrid nightmares with a show made for little girls is amazing. add in your writing style and well your my favourite author! my jaw smacks the ground every time i read your stories.
ReplyDeleteOh Celestia, you poor broken thing. You try to get away for just a moment and even that ends in disaster.
ReplyDeleteYou got me eager to see what she'll say in Ch. 9. Turn on the spotlight cause it's Celly time.
SO MANY COMMENTS. Haha.
ReplyDeleteDidn't this story start out as a comedic tragedy? And now it's gone full grimdark lol. No matter, I love tragedy just as much as comedy, though.
I feel for Celestia.
I was requested to translate this fic into Russian, and I've finished the first chapter before deciding to read the whole story before posting the single chapter.
ReplyDeleteNow I'm refusing to translate it. The story is too great... and too grim to spread it over bronies.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAw man. Please continue? I promise the ending is going to happy... ish.
Also, who requested it? Because that's awesome.
@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteOK, if even you ask me to do that, I'll try to get over it. Now that's authors request, so it no longer matters who was the first. BTW, he was anonymous, just like me ;)
i read all the current parts (up to 8.5). all i can say is that this is not only well written, but intense and quite deep. good work, cant wait until its finished!
ReplyDeleteNow I feel bad for laughing at all the Trollestia stuff out there
ReplyDeleteAwesome story, but... sad. Maybe Celestia and Twilight find some way to bring back Snowflake from the ashes? PLEASE!?! (I almost cried... over-emotional much...)
ReplyDeleteVery well written- but, as always, there are still mistakes... :(
ReplyDeleteTry getting more editors.
Quite nice, for it not only explores the pain of "Tyrant" Celestia but it explores what (Truly)Divine Monarchs would feel like after more than 1000 years of ruling over any amount of subjects, especially after having to bring down the Divine Hammer of Justice.
ReplyDeleteI do hope, though, that you don't keep piling pain and misery on RD and Fluttershy. It's not that I don't want to see them hurt or I "can't take it", but the "Grimdark" part of this fic feels kinda forced, as if there was no real need for it to be there. It was going in one direction, and then suddenly turned around and blasted off in another direction. Plus, Rainbow can hit Mach 4.7 while pulling thousands of Gs. Fluttershy can talk down dragons. SURELY they could have escaped.
Wow... how did I not notice The Sun is Tired had an 8th chapter? And it's a doozy!
ReplyDeleteChapter 8 was easily my favorite so far. Even with the constantly changing scenes and lack of dialogue it had an excellent flow to it. Really nice job on the introspection and the nightmare.
I guess I wouldn't be a very good commentator if I didn't find something to complain about, would I? So yeah, I was disappointed that none of the graffiti in post-riot Canterlot made reference to the New Lunar Republic. Sadface : (
Oh and having Celestia knocked around by Twilight is maybe pushing it a bit, don't you think? Emotionally vulnerable and a bit dense? Sure, but she's still a goddess, I mean come on.
I've been translating the seventh chapter while player had randomized the last two parts of Pink Floyd's "Saurceful of Secrets"... I'm still shocked and unable to continue, even mentioning I've read this episode for about ten times before.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I have to.
I liked it until Celestia started acting like an emotionally and morally immature child. She's just so...WHINY now.
ReplyDeleteMOAR, please.
ReplyDeleteWell, part 9 is taking a while. So far, we have had 2 re-writes. So, yeah. This part is going to be hard to get right.
ReplyDeleteJust an aside, the story gets 20% cooler when you listen to "Sonne" by Rammstien
ReplyDeleteSeriously, it's so fucking appropriate 0.o
@Anonymous I just misspelled Rammstein...
ReplyDeleteWaaaaaaaaitiiiiiiiing for mooooooooooaaaaaaar.
ReplyDeleteIn the far
ReplyDeleteTwilight awaits
Opens up
To embrace
And things just keep going from bad to worse. If I could talk to Celestia after her bad dreams in Chapter 8, I'd tell her that her being troubled about them is a good sign. The time to worry is when you're no longer troubled by that sort of thing. Then I'd tell her about the Sons of Saddam, who after a dream like that would go to Abu Ghraib prison to try them out for real.
ReplyDeleteHeadless Unicorn Guy
awkward Celestia! that's a first for me and God was it fun to read >8]
ReplyDeleteWTF. Get out of my head, fic writers!
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking to myself that it'd be nice to have an update of this story earlier this morning.......
GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
Stressed out or not, she's thousands of years old. Even in tremendous duress she shouldn't be talking like a drunk high school cheerleader giving a speech.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI fail to see how her speech is like that in any way. The original draft was, but I revised accordingly.
Why was it so short?... I waited...
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure anymore. I liked the beginning and the starting situation, but it's going to be pretty dark later on. Almost to dark for me... :(
ReplyDeleteNice to see an update. Interesting direction to depart a bit from the main cast. I can't really remember the live reading too specifically, but I think some of the comedic parts were cut? Good decision, I think. This version handles it quite well and manages to keep a serious tone the whole way through. Or I might just remember the early version incorrectly, but whatever, still good.
ReplyDeleteI only very rarely comment on fanfiction, but please let me say that this piece is stunningly compelling and consistently brings me back. Thank you so much for the work you do.
ReplyDeleteUgh, stupid secret society shit. What's the point of continuing to read this crap?
ReplyDelete@Melodia
ReplyDelete...
Did you read any parts before 9?
This may or may not demonstrate the excellent writing ability of the author, but I'm really hating the whole "Guardians of Celestia" secret cultist society on an emotional level.
ReplyDeleteTherefore, IMMA FIRIN MAH SOLAR LAZAR!!
Interesting. It seems like the leader of this sick and twisted cult either:
ReplyDeleteHas gone crazy from adoring/fearing Celestia,
or
Is a sick and twisted pony with intentions to kill and maybe seize power from Celestia.
This really explains Snowflake's actions though.
Part 8.5 is worth five stars on it's own. Kudos on writing an awesome story.
ReplyDeleteSO HELP THE AUTHOR IF THIS FIC DOESN'T HAVE A HAPPY ENDING!! I'M BAWLING OVER HOW SAD I FEEL FOR CELESTIA RIGHT NOW AND I'M A GROWN MAN! Ok, enough cruise control for cool now. On a serious note, this shit is fucking epic. It has me on the edge of my seat. Need more Celestia fics <333
ReplyDeleteGod. Fucking. Dammit.
ReplyDeleteAnother interesting premise goes completely down the tubes for me. So, I'll just elaborate.
The cult is incredibly stupid on multiple levels and doesn't seem to have been thought out very well. Not just because the modivation for their actions are incredibly shallow and lack any real depth, but make the story seem incredibly childish to a degree, which a lot of fan-fiction writers seem to run into.
"Let's go on basically a genocide to kill a bunch of ponies who haven't killed enough heritics because they haven't been meeting quota to appease our Sun God for no reason whatsoever besides our completely irrational fear of her."
It was dumb enough with what's-his-name forming a mob to beat up Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash for even MORE irrational reasons than the cult. At least their reasons to be fearful of her was somewhat more justified because see blew a pony up with the sun, but that's not the point since they've apparently feared her before that.
I could go on for paragraphs for why this particulary piece of Fan-Fiction isn't very good, so I'll just make a list.
1. Characters act out of character or act stupid for no reason other than to maintain the plot of the story.
2. The tone is incredibly inconsistent and deceving. The story originally began as a somewhat charming, yet flawed, deconstruction of Trollestia. However, the stroy then suddenly turns dark and morbid when what's-his-name forms a mob to beat Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash to half to death.
Along with Celestia blowing what's-his-name up with the sun.
3. It's incredibly not-subtle in it's imagery.
"Alright, yes, I get it, it's a fucked up nightdream. Can you shove more basic, childish, uninteresting and not-subtle imagery into my face?"
Nightmares are terrifying not from being terrifying in of themselves, but the vagueness of them, the unknown, which is what all horor is based on.
Not childish, violent imagery.
4. The pacing is pretty awful. Again, like the complete shift in tone, everything happens so fast in some instances it's jarring. There's isn't enough build up to anything, no anticipation, nothing.
5. Why would the crowd automatically assume that Celestia is boning Twilught, just because she went to visit her?
Was that really nessasary? Like, at all? Again, tone. Was it meant to be funny? If it was, it ruins the serious moment of Celestia's speech. I mean, fuck, I'm just baffled why that's even in there.
For the sake of a shipping reference?
6. DASH DOESN'T GET TO FLY (KINDA) CLICHE, HERP DURP. I know cliches can be done well, they most defenately can, but it's just done horribly bland here, like in most fan-fictions surrounding it.
7. Applejack moment was dumb beyond all reason.
8. Author seems to just be writing this as it goes. The biggest indicator of this being the complete shift in tone with SNOWBALL, that's his name, being burtally murdered and Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash nearly being beaten to death.
Alright, fuck this, not going to continue reading thi-Wait, "knife in hoof? "Knife in hoof," what kind of fucking dumb imagery is this? Wait, why was she holding the fucking thing if she's a unicorn? Why not use magic to-
ARGH, FUCK THIS SHIT, not going to continue reading this, it's lost it's way long ago.
As much as I prefer not to give the harsh criticism that the above anon gave, this fic has indeed lost it's luster. It was a great concept, but...
ReplyDeleteThis seems to be the problem to me: You had a great idea, and so you started fitting characters into your story. But this is a fan-fiction. Your characters already have personas of their own, and you should build the story around the ponies, not vice versa.
I hope that makes sense. This story isn't a mistake, just not the best out there.
@G.
ReplyDeleteOh please, could be be any more condescending ?
There's no need to ''defend'' anything, for there's no attack whatsoever, despite the 'paranoia' some people seem to feel at the very SECOND I -dare- write something not in the lines of what others like... but this may go toward bad waters, so I think it's preferable to stay clear of 'that' part of the conversation...
Anyway... I do not care, not much more in any case, if the story is Comedy, Grimdark, Shipping, or Strawberry...
If the story as any kind of details that catch my eye, my interests, or it's the Full Moon in Winter... I will take a note, think a bit about it, and consider it. Most 'notes' are ''thoughts-of-the-moment'', you know, a reader reading a sentence and feel/think something at that precise moment... capture it, say it, write it sometimes, for they triggered something...
''Grimdark'' is a tricky terrain to walk on, 'bumps on the road' are rather common and easy to spot... and also, I posted a damn LOT of comments on all kind of stories, not just these 2 kinds, hmm.
>don't read them
-Weak, troll-like argument. Please to not use it.
>don't rag on the author because he or she didn't follow the same formula as the show and write a story with a happy ending
-No one can really say for sure what an author will do, what the author thinks, what the authors ''really'' intended what writting the X paragraphs of Part Y...
So... theorize, hope, think and say what you think may happen, what you hope will happen, ask for -answers-, try to find out more, move!...
>Because I can separate my subjective feelings for the characters and my objective opinions about a writer's work.
-Please... Do not pretend to be the only one, or to state that -I- can't. I wouldn't say this is insulting, but it comes close. This is in fact something I always try to follow, Neutrality and Objectivity... when I ANALYSE and Observe, or when responses require it.
Quick thoughts and wondering, mostly made as the read goes, hardly follow the same rigid approach, not always. And they often are made, considering and from the character-like perspective, or ''as if''.
Again, this isn't a fix constant, applyable all the time.
>It sets out to provoke an emotional response
-And, to set a proper ''emotion'', you have to set first a proper scene, a proper background, or else the 'emotion' doesn't hold any sense and is empty of meaning.
>Down't just downvote it
-Again witht the ''assuming things about others''... Of course you don't see it, but there's a 4/5 stars on MY screen, hmm.
>"grr I hate shipping" or "grah I hate grimdark," because that's unfair to the author and everyone else who might like to read the author's stories.
-Who said I ever hated those kind of stories ? ...again people (you, right now) are ASSUMING a LOT there.
I'm will be one of the first to like most ''Shipping'', as long as they are at least half-decently made... ever read ButterScotch stories ? They are great.
And you seem to forget that, people have to right to like, people have to right to ''dislike''. It goes both ways, but it isn't a mandatory 0% or 100% like/dislike. Their a ''fine'' and subtle scale between 0 and 100...
Morale of the story : Do not assume too much of what others may ''really'' think. Screens aren't the best thing to judge someone's character.
(now it's 3AM, so I'm going to sleep... have more Dinky and Nyx in socks to view tomorrow.)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteWhile I wouldn't have worded it quite like that, I agree with most of your criticism.
Especially point 8, that this seems to change the direction it's going every couple of chapters. It started out as a piece on the downsides of being an omnipotent ruler, than came the shift to grim, than there was a part whith the mane 6 that didn't go anywhere, and now the cult... it just feels too disjointed for me. I pretty much had to force myself to finish chapter 9 and not stop halfway through.
Which was also due to Celestia's... speech being incredibly cringe-worthy to read. And not in the way it was probably intended. That scene completely broke my suspension of disbelief and threw me out of the story, because the awkwardness was put on way too thick.
I read the last couple of chapters to see where this was going, even if I wasn't too fond of them. But the recent direction has lost the original appeal of the story for me, so I probably won't continue.
11:05 PM Anonymous here once again, but I just can't get over that line.
ReplyDelete"Knife in hoof."
Really, just read that out loud. Seriously, worst imagery for a murder scene I've seen in a while. It'd be great for a comedy or parody, but this?
Ugh, I know, nitpicking, but jeeze some things can really just pull you out of the writing and this moment was it.
Again, "Knife in hoof."
@DJ KatActually, I think the secret cult explains some things. Remember the ponies who threatened Big Mac's friend who complained about the trade agreement? All the fear that everypony displays is perfectly reasonable, they simply misunderstand the true source of the violence.
ReplyDeleteOkay...this is taking a really really STRANGE turn of events. I'm worried that this turn is gonna ruin the air of despair and hopelessness that was the theme of your story though. Tread carefully with how you proceed, best advice I can give.
ReplyDeleteThis is a difficult thing to say to any writer, especially one who seems to be legitimately trying, but... Stop. Just stop. Stop right here, and don’t write another chapter. Don’t write another word. The lapses in logic and characterization have begun to compound on themselves and now the story is broken. Take what you have and go back to the drawing board. Keep what works. Discard what doesn’t. Then rewrite the whole thing, this time with a concrete sense of direction from chapter one.
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dramatic_structure
This is called dramatic structure. It is also known as a plot arc. Your story needs to have one of these. You can’t just come up with random ideas on the fly and sprinkle them into the narrative on a whim. Case in point, introducing a lunatic cult of assassins once you’re already 30,000+ words into the story, then retconning it so Snowball was a cultist all along. Stuff like that doesn’t work. It just makes your readers shake their heads.
The characters are out of character. Nothing they do makes sense. People being terrified of Celestia for no reason to the point of killing each other for no reason doesn’t make sense. Celestia not being a good public speaker after being a princess for 1,000 years doesn’t make sense. Suggesting Celestia and Twilight might be gay for each other in a moment of dramatic tension doesn’t make sense. Why do you keep doing that? You’ve done it twice now, once in the Snowball-Dash scene and now in the most recent chapter. Stop it. It completely pulls us out of the moment.
I really wanted this story to be amazing, but it needs serious work. :(
I've never been the biggest fan of this story, but I’ve always been supportive of the author and tried to help him/her improve. Now I’m afraid the story has officially jumped the shark.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry, Mask, but every line I read in the first scene of this chapter, when the princess was babbling on like some kind of airhead high schooler, I had to stop and alt+tab because it was just too much... too over the top... too out of character.
Then I read the comments section on ED and I stumble across reviews like this one, and I’m like... Really? Are we reading the same story here? I don’t like to be the negative one, and I don’t like to rag on other people’s work, it’s just... Reviews like these, which are so effusive in their praise, are some of the most harmful feedback an author can receive. Because they don't accurately represent the story, and they stoke the author's ego, and they help convince the author to go further down the wrong path.
The biggest problem here is definitely OOC-ness, but it also seems like you have no master plan and you’re just making stuff up as you go... that’s why the story has shifted so many times in plot and tone. This anon nailed it pretty well. The problem here is that if you have no idea where the story is heading and you throw out weird plot elements (like evil cults) just to have something to write about, the whole thing becomes disjointed, and then you lose your readers. Also, there’s never any hope for a resolution. It’s the equivalent of keeping a story on life support.
my god chapter nine was stupid
ReplyDeleteIt was just grimdark for the sake of being grimdark.
The cult and how it works doesn;t make sence, they kill there own members for not killing enough ponies or something I mean how the fuck do they kept hinten for so long? Or get new members?
Also ch 8's nightmare was far better than 8.5 because you didn't go into that much detail. 8.5 became funny after a while because you over did it.
Also that cult was REALLY stupid did I say that?
Regardless of anything else, I don't mind the cult. It has been a bit odd as to why everypony is so afraid of Celestia when she has done nothing to warrant such fear (up until Snowball that is). A secret cult working behind the scenes without her knowledge, killing ponies who show any kind of disrespect is one explanation for it. I can see why people don't like the explanation. There are definitely problems with it. But its an explanation none the less.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMuch better than I could have ever said it. I especially agree about the tone shift. It was the "charming reconstruction of Trollesta" that got me reading in the first place...and then it goes to all WTF. But I kept reading because Celestia was obviously feeling horrible about it so it wasn't all 'tyranty'.
But seriously, as I said above, that last chapter is just...no. Beyond the cliche "secretly kill off anyone who might hinder us" crap, the fact that they apparently were like that before, doing it "for her" and that she didn't know about it? Uh....stupid stupid stupid.
^ I completely agree with your point about chapter 8.5. Brutality for the sake of brutality is funny, not emotional.
ReplyDeleteAbout chapter 9, I agree with most of the points that were made and the massive freakout it caused. Celly was just plain out of character.
In the entire first season, Celestia never once stutters, stammers, trails off or fails at finishing a sentence. Celly always thinks before she speaks. I went back and read chapters 1 and 2 again, and they did a much better job of showing that character trait. After Celly's rage reaches its peak in the restaurant scene, she still has the good sense to wait until she is in the privacy of Twilight's house before screaming her lungs out.
I mean, she thinks it would be good to 'start with a joke?' She's giving a speech explaining why she killed a pony and forgot to raise the sun. What would she joke about? "Boy, Canterlot has seen better days hasn't it?"
I thought she was meant to be an airhead, not a preschooler.
@Stephen Cawking
ReplyDeleteSorry, that comment was aimed at the anonymous a few posts up.
Anyway, about the 'Secret Servants of Celestia,' I found them intriguing mostly because they all have night-related names for some reason. "Evening Sky" and the hilarious "Space Bloom" (I was picturing Applebloom with a Space Core cutie mark). I'm thinking they could be agents of Luna, which would make things very interesting.
OK, Mask, we still believe it was a local hay-up and the following chapters are going to be at least 20% cooler than existing fourth end seventh ones.
ReplyDeleteGood luck, don't give it up. We don't blame you, am I right, bronies?
@Anonymous
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
@Anonymous
@Anonymous
@Melodia
And some people thought I was ''seeing things'' ?
...well, OCD will travel, as Pinky Pie said, but about a Tuba.
Not getting the frothing rage some people seem to be working themselves up into.
ReplyDeleteCelestia's speech. I think the main problem there was Celestia supposedly not being very good at public speaking, which seems pretty strange for a monarch who's held the throne for a thousand years. If MOD had left that part out, we could put her... strange speech patterns down to her slowly succumbing to the nervous breakdown she's been edging towards from the beginning.
The "cult". Eeeyeah, that one was kind of out of left-field, but I'm with Baree here; a secret society, provided it was large and had existed for long enough, could neatly explain why the general populace feel such fear towards their obviously benevolent divine ruler if they ascribe the actions of this shadowy organisation to Celestia herself. In any event, we really haven't enough info to go on to judge it one way or the other. We know next to nothing of its structure, size, motives, methods, objectives, or how long its been operating. Until we know more, let's just calm down a bit, shall we?
Some of these comments. Every author needs criticism, otherwise they never improve unless they catch their mistakes themselves, but some of these comments have been downright abusive. Remember there's a person on the receiving end of your words who very likely has a lot of emotional investment in the tale they're trying to spin, so even if you hate where the story is going or have some other gripe, at least try to maintain a modicum of civility when you're adding your two bits.
Part 9 :
ReplyDelete>She had given millions of speeches before. Admittedly, a good portion of them... okay, all of them had been written by somepony else, but she knew the basics.
-She's still an intelligent mare, a good bit of wisdom too, and she also was the ruler of an entire kingdom for many centuries, if not millenia (at the very least)... One would think that, even in a somewhat ''emotional'' state, that she should be able to salvage ''something'' from her large knowledge, but... Apparently not ? For some 'odd' reasons.
>“Cloudy Sky, Lightning Bolt, Blueberry Blitz, Loose Soil... most of that crowd.
-''most of that crowd''... Oooook... they want to ''eliminate'' a -chunk- of the population of Canterlot... This is just silly now (and not the good kind of silly).
>It caught his brain stem cleanly, -Riiight ?
>She grabbed his rapidly cooling hind legs with magic
-Right after holding a >knife in hoof ...I see ?
...what is more to be said already as been by QUITE a few people...
-----
@Bronode
>Every author needs criticism, otherwise they never improve unless they catch their mistakes themselves, but some of these comments have been downright abusive.
-From what transpires from MANY of the comments... the author need to pull a 180° with his 'story', for the direction it currently holds, aim for a ravine partially filled with discontent.
>at least try to maintain a modicum of civility when you're adding your two bits
-From the comments I read, at least 5-7 are well written and decently polite... So, I'm not sure of what is a decent level for ''You' ?
The biggest problem I and as I look over the recent comments many people have on the latest chapter is Celestia being a bad public speaker. It does not fit her character at all. Simply chalking up nervousness to her mounting mental breakdown would be much better. Perhaps a quick re-write?
ReplyDeleteI wasn't that put off by the cult. When I saw them I like @Aidinthel was reminded about AJ talking about Big Mac's friend being threatened.
@Baree said it best. Although their resent plans seem a little off. Eliminating new members who might not be completely devoted to the cause instead of those who had not kill enough would make more sense.
The original idea behind the story is good but it does feel like it is losing its focus. It might be wise to stop and take a look back on the earlier chapters to avoid sudden shifts in tone and focus in the future. Do not let negative comments get you down. Continue to work on the story and get better.
@ SomeGuy
ReplyDeleteWholeheartedly agree. Celestia being a poor public speaker just doesn't make any sense. Public speaking is a skill, not a talent, and she's had thousands of years to pick it up.
@ Mask, it's be best if you go back and frame the flubbed speech under the context of her grief and stress. She's unable to put two thoughts together, and ends up pouring her heart out to a confused crowd.
The content of the speech is fine, and really got to me as she began to cry and scream at the end. But the prelude to it spoils it a lot.
The story really needs to be brought back into focus. Think about what inspired you to write the fic, think about the emotions you want to explain, think about your end goal and the obstructions the main characters will face.
Celestia freaking out about being a tyrant can lead to an increased desire to be rid of her powers, as was her original plan.
For the cult, we need to see reasoning for their devotion. Perhaps something of a meeting where they hold a religious ceremony, just like in the movies - a creepy, bizarre ceremony that is made even more twisted by the fact that they're not worshiping something evil, but instead showing twisted devotion to the most benevolent character in the show.
But, other than reinforce the atmosphere of tension, what purpose will they serve as direct antagonists? Will one of the cultists tip the mane case off?
Anyway, continue to work at it. I can appreciate how tough this kind of concept must be to write with, but I think you're close to hitting the mark.
Love the new page image, by the wat!
I'm going to have to agree with a lot of comments here and say that parts 8.5 and 9 just weren't up to the same standard as the previous chapters. People may comment saying they want updates quickly, but in the end, nobody cares about when you update, only that the updates are good. From what I can tell, you were really frustrated with that chapter and it didn't come out the best way, so make sure to take the time to get everything right next time. This story is still salvageable but you need to write very carefully from now on.
ReplyDeleteI'm wondering how long it will be before Celestia undergoes a complete nervous breakdown. At the rate things are going, it looks like it's going to happen soon.
ReplyDeleteAs for the cultists, they seem rather out-of-place. The cultists could work if they had been introduced much earlier in the story, but as they stand right now, they seem like a distraction from what should be the main focus of the story: Celestia and her problems.
Ah, another chapter where things get even worse. Not that I'm complaining, far from it; one of my favorite authors was once rejected by a Russian publisher for being too dark, and if you know anything about Russian literature that ought to tell you something about my tastes. Keep up the good work, though the others may be right that you should take more time (as impatient as I am to find out what happens next).
ReplyDelete@Roxor
ReplyDeleteI tired to imply they existed with the line about Big Mac's friends in chapter 3, but a lot of people seem to forget I said anything about that.
@MaskOfData
ReplyDeleteI think it was probably overlooked because it was too subtle. Subtlety is a good tool for world-building and delivering Aesops, but it doesn't work very well on major plot points, which given their attention in Chapter 9, the cultists appear to be.
If they are going to become a major part of the story, then perhaps it would be a good idea to go back and add a scene with them to one of the earliest chapters to make it clear that, yes, these sorts of fanatics do exist and despite their best intentions, they're making things worse for the subject of their worship. It would fit in with the impression I'm getting that they're being built around the Well Intentioned Extremist archetype.
I still enjoy everything about this story. It's fantastic ^^
ReplyDeleteit is not a shipping story but the best part for me is that the madness Princess Celestia is going through makes her bond with Twilight stronger. Great story, please continue ^^;;;
ReplyDelete