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Author: NoMoreSanity
Description: "We all know about stories where Humans enter Equestria. But what about a world where Equestria is in the Human world? It is the year 1820, and a series of events brings a young unicorn and a human prince together. Together, they will embark on a quest to change Europe, and the world, forever."The Son of the Emperor Part 1
The Son of the Emperor Part 2
The Son of the Emperor Part 3
The Son of the Emperor Part 4
The Son of the Emperor Part 5
The Son of the Emperor Part 6 (New!)
The Son of the Emperor (All Links)
Additional Tags: AU, AH, France, Twilight, War
235 comments:
@NoMoreSanity
ReplyDeletefinally had a chance to read back over the last bit. I thoroughly enjoyed it the second time as well. :) There were some minor factual issues that, to be honest, I'm not sure are worth addressing or changing. (e.g. The Honvédség didn't exist before 1848. The soldiers' uniforms aren't typical of hussars. other less important details regarding the timeline.)
I didn't realize Széchenyi had made such a name for himself in the Austrian military. (I had to do some digging to find any reference to it: http://www.1911encyclopedia.org/Ladislas_Szalay if you scroll down a bit.) I'm not sure if you found this yourself or if you just assumed he rose through the ranks based on merit, but you were accurate in either case.
I don't know much about horse racing, but for a simple comparison, Secretariat won the 1.5 mile Belmont Stakes with an average speed of 37.5mph. I would think a canter at ~15mph sounds more reasonable than a gallop. (Most animals can't maintain top speed for very long.)
I didn't notice many problems with this segment; there are some things I would have worded differently here and there, but it's a matter of style. Here are my very few recommended changes:
wanting to hide under some hole now.
- some hole >> a rock (?)
and a brave effort at best
- at best >> at (the) least (?)
as István liked to call, Hondvedseg
>> Honvédség
Hondvedseg, a rank he had earned through merit alone.
- confusing: sounds as if the military is itself a rank
speaking loudly and clearly for all to here.
- here >> hear
this was with only one hundred man
- man >> men
Thanks again; can't wait until Chapter 6!
@Gakumerasara
ReplyDeleteThank you, and once again, how the fuck did I miss half of?
On the Honvedseg, I just went with what Wikipedia told me, mainly that it was Hungarian for the defense force, and that it did exist around this time. The uniforms are another thing entirely, as I thought they were all white for the entire K.u.K, but that shows what I know. :P
Thanks again, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter as much as this one!
Just a heads up, I just did some revision to chapters 2-4. Added some new sentences and stuff, heightened the character interactions, and made Charles much less infallible. Thanks to CommissarAJ on reddit for help on pointing these things out. As usual, if anyone else sees any problems, do inform me, as it helps make the story better for us all.
ReplyDeleteI've been reading through this for a while and am finally on the latest chapter. Excellent work! The style reminds me a lot of the Temeraire novels.
ReplyDeleteAnd another hello from AH.com. :)
@wilcoxchar
ReplyDeleteThank you! And I feel kind of silly now, having this compared so much to that series of novels without ever having read them. :P
I guess I will have to sometime.
And hello to you to! It's great to see forumites from AH here.
Chapter 6 is done, and submitted to the site. Only a matter of waiting now.
ReplyDeleteOkay, let's see. It looks like the point of chapter 6 was to throw cold water on Charles' fantasy world? But a side effect is that a lot of it comes off kind of like retcon.
ReplyDeleteThe homosexual bit also seemed to kind of come out of nowhere and go nowhere.
Mostly, I don't know, the middle part wasn't as interesting as I'd like, but that's not really constructive criticism since I can't say exactly why.
@terrycloth
ReplyDeleteWell, I did that with Charles, mostly because I got a good complaint from someone that I was making him too Sue-ish. So I decided to play up his internal fears some more.
To be honest, I inserted that part with Istvan to explain to some people, who wondered why it would be bad for Istvan to be gay in this. That section was to explain the prejudices of the time. I know I did not come off as subtle in the least. Do you have any tips for improving it?
If you come up with some specific examples, I'd be glad to fix them.
Grimdark tag just became necessary, don't you think? It's a pity therapy didn't exist back then. Twilight and Charles are going to need it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I found one of Charles' comments odd in Chap. 5. He says something "good men speak German" or something of the like in their language. Keeping in mind he's a proud Frenchman, doesn't that seem a little odd?
@Hexplosion
ReplyDeleteI can see your point, but technically speaking, he's not French at all. He's half-Italian and half-German. And he's proud of his family on both sides, just his mothers to a lesser extent. Keep in mind though, he was talking about the various minorities in the Austrian Empire who didn't speak a lick of German. Charles, who doesn't get that at all, assumes only the worthwhile people speak German. The concept of minority rights in this period was, as you would guess, infantile
I'm glad to see this story seems to be picking up the pace, but I'm wondering if this is just going to be Charles' alternate-universe exploits plus ponies, or if there's eventually going to be a more fantastical element to the plot? I'd be happy with the former, but I'll admit I'm hoping for the latter.
ReplyDelete@Cedric Bale
ReplyDeleteI'm going to just be a troll, and just say, 'you'll see.'
You asked for some critique, so here goes.
ReplyDeleteIn the last chapter you made jokes about stuff being so bad you'd only see it in a fanfic. Don't do that. It may seem cute and self-deprecating while you write it, but it just calls attention to things unnecessarily and makes your readers groan. If you're bothered enough by something you wrote that you feel compelled to have your characters call you out for it, then just fix it or nix it instead.
Other than that one gripe, I'm liking where this is going. Oblivious Twi is hilarious, by the way.
@Bugsydor
ReplyDeleteHmm, I can see the problem in that, so I removed that portion. Thanks for the comment, I'm glad to get some feedback!
Well Franz, guess what? Your first taste of war, you brat.
ReplyDeleteAnd guess what else? It isn't glorious or honourable. It's thousands of people gutting, delimbing and beheading one another for scraps thrown at them by those who will profit from their deaths.
Not so picturesque now is it? Welcome to war, little boy.
Oh wow, I just pictured that last scene as if I was playing a battle on Napoleon TW. Darn Turks, being all sneaky and sh*t!
ReplyDeleteAlso, did anyone else catch the Nikola Tesla reference? Might be mistaken, but if it is supposed to be Tesla, then... isn't that an anachronism? Isn't it supposedly 1828 when we get that scene with him when he technically was born in 1856? Or is it that in this AU Tesla was born earlier?
ReplyDelete@G.I.U.L.I.O.
ReplyDeleteThat's just some random guy named Nikola. It is a Croatian name after all, so it isn't TOO out of place. However, I put it in as a reference to my favorite mad scientist.
@NoMoreSanity Ah, so he's just a random soldier who's... hmm, I won't say mad, but rather eccentric. Fine by me! xD
ReplyDeleteAnd what a wonderful, slightly insane but friendly pink earth pony gypsy she seems to be :D perchance attempting to open a portal to meet her dead parents...
ReplyDelete@The Wandering Magus
ReplyDeleteThere's a reference there I'm not getting, I'm sure of it.
@NoMoreSanity
ReplyDeleteFriendship is Witchcraft pinkie's brew
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=87D9P0cdA7A
extended http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=682pneYoP0c
picture of the tired but persevering gypsy
http://snus-kun.deviantart.com/#/d4ne3jj
@NoMoreSanity
ReplyDelete(SPOILER?)
and if you're not getting it as the author then I guess I saw a reference where there wasn't one... but the "are you crazy?!" earth pony gypsy is almost certainly Pinkie... right?
@The Wandering Magus
ReplyDeleteYou'll see. :P
For names of Austrian officers, you might want to check out genealogical resources:
ReplyDeleteA Guide for Locating Military Records for the Various Regions of the Austro-Hungarian Empire by Carl Kotlarchik
Revised and Expanded, April, 2011
http://www.iabsi.com/gen/public/ahm.html
Here is another resource which might be helpful
http://oesta.gv.at/site/6413/default.aspx
or
https://www.familysearch.org/learn/wiki/en/Austria_Military_Records
which yielded this little tidbit:
"One facet of Austrian military life that was unusual for the time period was the absence of segregation and discrimination against non-conformist religious groups. Protestants, Orthodox, and Jews served alongside the Catholic majority in the military services. Soldiers from each group had all of the rights of military membership and there were many who held high positions in the Austrian military."
Or do a google image search for something like: “Uniforms of the army of the Empire of Austria-Hungary” and see if any of those pics lead to useful sites.
PS: Happy to see another chapter!
- Ashurbanipal's Lion
@Ashrubanipa's_Lion
ReplyDeleteWow, thanks, this will help a lot!
I finally had some time to read it! general comments:
ReplyDeleteI thought the flow was great, and I really liked the banter. In fact, all of the minor characters you introduced seemed particularly strong. an unexpected end for both Széchenyi and the crown prince of Sweden, but a good opportunity for Charles to shine as a leader. I would have liked to have seen some more detail regarding the army that was firing upon them, but I suppose that can wait. Not that I have a problem with István being gay, but the discussion does seem a bit forced. You've wandered into uncharted territory, given that Austria didn't invade Bosnia / the Ottoman Empire until decades later. an enjoyable read; looking forward to part 7. :)
grammar/spelling issues:
The man constantly was either an interesting with the occasional good joke,
- awkward: an interesting
There was a mysterious quality to István 's words
- extra space in István 's
like he was foreshadowing something of some sorts.
- sorts >> sort
He'd hold off the decision as long as possible, that was all he could do right now.
- comma >> semicolon
And if as long as possible meant forever, than so be it.
- than >> then
It perturbed greatly
- perturbed him (?)
6 instances of "till"
- till >> until or 'til
And what would kind of man was he,
- reword
He would show them all that we was not some arrogant lout,
- we >> he
There was no words for this moment
- was >> were
“I wish to murder you,” the prince deadpanned. “Meh, so do I sometimes,”
- oh you and your dark humor :P
And then the the trip across the ocean...
- not sure if "the the" is intentional
He’d need to the actual hugging
>> to do
Gustav motioned to everyone their,
- their >> there
While their power in the Balkans as not deteriorated that much,
- as >> has (?)
And opportunity for me to prove my worth
- And >> An
The best I could say is the ‘hope for the best.’
- the >> to (?)
“You aren’t as excited for this as you seem than?”
- than >> then
18th Dhu ‘l-Qa’da, 1243
- a very nice touch there :)
Konstaniyye
>> Kostantiniyye
@Gakumerasara
ReplyDeleteI would have liked to gone further into that myself, but the chapter was already dragging on, plus it seemed like a tense place to end.
I do admit, I'm not subtle at all in my discussion of sexuality. I'm making up my own history at this point, seeing as Istvan in real life committed suicide for unknown reasons. I'm painting my own ideas here. It won't be an excuse just to stuff a gay character in though, it'll actually mean something later.
And thank you so much for all the corrections! I really suck at doing them, and I'm surprised no one else caught them 'til now. Thanks a lot, and I hope you enjoy the next chapter just as much!
I'm late to comment (I tend to be), but I wanted to say I liked what you did with both Charles and Twilight in chapter 6. Charles has been discussed above, but I could add that to me Twilight seemed more confident than in the previous chapter, and personally I liked that.
ReplyDelete(And ... a simple pencil drawing to thank you for the chapter.)
Wow, this chapter is quite a mood whiplash from the previous ones. It was good though, since the reader is having the sheltered world of Wien torn away just as Charles and Twilight are. Too bad about Istvan though, he was just starting to become tolerable.
ReplyDelete@SovwiHAVE MY CHILDREN. Or I can have yours. Either way works. ~_~
ReplyDelete@wilcoxcharLet me just say: Don't assume things. :P trololololololol...
lol it took me like 5 months to finish chapter FOUR, this shit is so big egads
ReplyDelete@ABitOfWeather
>a drug gang that's gaining power in Baltimore
HOLY UNDERSTATEMENT BATMAN~! The like calling the Nazis a mere fascist movement!
When NoMoreSanity asked in the googledoc chat, I described Partlow as "weirdly compassionate, yet frighteningly loyal"....
Weirdly Compassionate - Marlo's best friend since childhood, stopped Snoop from shooting the wrong person once, practically the only father figure Michael Lee's ever had (to the point of training him, murdering his abusive pedo stepdad, and even protecting him from Marlo's wrath), "Don't fret, boss. I've got you covered. Quick and clean, I promise."
Frighteningly Loyal - torturing Butchie, slaughtering Junebug & his wife in front of their kids because he SUPPOSEDLY called Marlo gay, the vacant houses
SO ANYWHO, FINALLY, F'N FINALLY:
My Historically Knowledgeable & Mercilessly Snarky Chapter 4 Reax:
- 28,000 words gajsdajkl;gfjg;sgh
- Nice Mussolini quote. I liked the Sith Academy version: "To stand still is to know death"
- Really, you're probably underselling the prejudice that would exist in this universe. "SHUT UP, YOU'RE A HORSE"
- ...so Twi totally has like, no idea they're fuckbuddies, eh? Oh how adorkably plausible. XD
- BTW, I'm one of the 15 people worldwide aware that the "Napoleon was short" thing is pure myth.
- Really, there's no better way to blow off steam than kicking a servant down a flight of steps. Try it sometime.
- PICTURES.....INSIDE THE FANFIC? SORCERY! IS HE ALLOWED TO DO THAT SETH?
- "...as far as Twilight knew humans were all Caucasian..." Moar race-based Deliberate Values Dissonance, please!
- I wonder how much White Phosphorus a single Pegasi can carry...?
- ROFL @ Mares having more rights than Women
- "Great War". *SNICKER* Right. XD
- What if Hitler grew up with Pinkie Pie as a best friend? Food for Thought.
- Ah, so those wacky hypothetical Nazi ponies WOULD have Swastika cutie marks. Gotcha. Have fun in that bunker, Pinkie! (She can play games with Goebbels' kids! HAHAHA is my sense of humor fucked or what)
- HAPSBURG GANG!!!! WEST SIDE!!!!
My Historically Knowledgeable & Mercilessly Snarky Chapter 4 Reax pt 2:
ReplyDelete- "dark memories of a time when a young Corsican man nearly brought down the entirety of their familiar and traditional world order" Oh yes, God Forbid. Freedom of Religion and Meritocracy. God Forbid. Deliver us from such evil, Lord.
- Fuck you whispering peasant bitches, hatin on my nigga Charles. *insert Katt Williams quote about haters*
- Christ-killer! Gotta love dat ol' time religion...Happy Easter Everypony!
- For the record, I never really bought that Jews hath eyes.
- A Jew that served honorably in the war? Rubbish! Helped the enemy stab us in the back, that's what he did!
- Wow, Scheidlin’s a creep. Alright Fraulein Sparkle, you can kill him with Blood Magic now. Let the blood pool, then form it into the shape of a daggar. Simple telekinesis, just like LittlePip said.
- "They are not well-liked by most people in this country" phew, well at least its just THAT country....
- Richard III? BADASS! The Tony Montana of Shakespeare!
- Twi sees a pony that can play cello, Charles sees that forehooves can aim rifles. Eeeeeyup.
- Nigga, you don't fucks with Beethoven? Who the FUCK are you...?
- I always thought that forehooves would be some truly nightmarish limbs to mastrubate with. For stallions, I mean.
- I believe this is the first EQD fic to implement the word "shat". Bravo.
- Well ain't he a regular Scrooge on Christmas Morning!
- Fun fact: At the time, the 2nd largest slave population outside of the Russian serfdom was in........go ahead. I'll let you guess which country it was.
- stealth TV Trope reference FOR TEH WIN
- ONE SIP OF WINE? Look, I know one of the constants of the Equestrian Multiverse is Twilight's complete inability to hold any and all liquor but COME ON...
- C'mon Charles, you haven't figured out that Antoine is capo material yet?
- "living in the clouds above, refusing to interact in world affairs" PEGASUS ENCLAVE IN DA HOUSE
- Next time I do a toast IRL, I'm gonna say "TO THE REICH!" and see how people react.
- Explicit sexual overtones! QUICK, EVERYONE STARBOMB THIS FIC~!
- Quick Charles, tie her up with the bedsheets, use the pillow case as a mask, and act like you're holding Sophie for ransom! Worked for Biggie Smalls!
- Your father's lightsaber!
- "You Prinz of Darkness!" Author, please smack Charles for me, thanks.
- And Metternich smells Sophie in the trunk. Wonderful. Well he has you by the balls now kid, looks like you pretty much have to Steelhooves dude out of the way at this point. May I recommend a hunting accident?
- And on that day, Charles learned Money Over Bitches.
- I miss blogger. Its so much nicer to us simple openid folk.
I demand that twilight meets with Sultan Mahmud II if at all possible. Also thank you for including my beloved Ottomans in a story with ponies I have never known happiness until this day.
ReplyDeleteAny plans on continuing this?
ReplyDelete