[Normal][Semi-Shipping]
Author: Denim Blue
Description: Change is something that cannot be stopped. Like time itself, it is a constant. Sometimes, however, it needs a push in a certain direction. Six particular mares, chosen by the Elements of Harmony, will light the path that the future of Equestria shall follow in a way they never thought possible. All while learning more about each other and the princesses that rule their land.Duties Part 1
Duties Part 2
Duties Part 3
Duties Part 4
Duties Part 5
Duties Part 6
Duties Part 7
Duties Part 8
Duties Part 9
Duties Part 10
Duties Part 11
Duties Part 12
Duties Part 13
Duties Part 14 (New!)
Additional Tags: Alicorns, Royalty, Civil Duty, Long, Mane 6
185 comments:
Thanks for keeping us posted!
ReplyDelete>Twilight Sparkle pic
ReplyDeleteFuckyeah.jpg
>Twilight Alicorn pic
No read. Alicorns are always OP or damn Mary Sues. D:
Though, if it gets several 5-stars I'll read it.
Sounds like an interesting premise, though having read Spark I'm pretty weary of anything involving Alicorn Twilight.
ReplyDeleteAlicorn Twilight peaks my interest. Somebody comfirm!
ReplyDeleteTags include Luna... Twilight as an alicorn in the picture... THIS DAMN BETTER BE A TWILUNA! Well, reading now!
ReplyDeleteSemi-shipping? Lolwut?
ReplyDeleteMeh, not like I'm gonna read it. I just don't like twalicorn fics :/
Beautiful ;U;
ReplyDeleteAlso HOT DAMN this is incredibly long. I don't know when I'll have time to read the rest after it comes out! But I look forward to reading it all.
ReplyDeleteIt's Alicorn Mane 6 actually.
ReplyDeleteSounds good so far keep up the good work :)
ReplyDeleteWell, done reading, why is this shipping again? It isn't even semi shipping, and actually surprisingly boring. I skipped quite a bit, but i saw no shipping, not in the slightest.. Well, as i said, it's boring. It's so very slow, and while in some cases this is good, normal stories get booooring at this pace. sorry, but i have to give it 3/5, it's just so very slow.
ReplyDeleteDear God... Alicorn Pinkie Pie?! We're all doomed! FORRREEEVVVEEERRR!
ReplyDeleteBack on track, I'm not quite sure yet whether or not this is worth reading or not. Time will tell once another chapter or two comes out.
Well, the set-up seems interesting and it looks like you've put effort into balancing out the new alicorns. I'll have to wait to read more before I make a complete judgment.
ReplyDeleteUnlike some in these comments, I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Read it, it was actually a really good read, and I cannot wait for the other parts to come out.
ReplyDeleteIt needs to pick up a bit more pace, the story goes very slowly. It is interesting and the jobs of the now 6 new alicorns and the 2 old ones are interesting and fit the characters very well. Looking forward to see, how they manage in their new positions.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the select few comments urging a faster pace, I much prefer the full and enriched background you give to this. I do wonder what challenge is going to arise for the mane 6.
ReplyDeleteAlso its the first chapter folks, shipping could very well come later.
It's on my read list for later. You know, AlicornTwi I can see, and even AlicornFluttershy (wouldn't make any public appearances), Rarity (makeovers for everyone!) and even Applejack (the down to Earth pony everyone can relate to).
ReplyDeleteI fear for Equestria under the hooves of Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. o_o
Hell, I'ma read it now.
I really liked this. In contrast to what a few people were thinking, I liked the sedate pace of the story. Looking forward to seeing more in the future, the idea of episodic chapters appeals to me in this sort of premise. Slice of life would work best, a single overarching sinister threat would seem jarring, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI hope though that you aren't making it so Rainbow has to guide ALL the clouds - that'd put thousands of pegusai out of jobs. Maybe it's more like, she governs their patterns/strategy and allows the other pegusai to guide and craft them tactically.
Personally, I'd like to see some more Celestia and Twilight interaction in the future. They're peers now, but it would be great to see Twilight grow from being somewhat dependent on Celestia at first until she gets enough confidence and experience to take initiative herself. Generally, I prefer to see Twilight interacting with Celestia over her interacting with Luna, because it's actually supported by canon (and Twiluna interferes with Twilestia - SHOT). Seriously though, I want to see how Twilight and Celestia's relationship changes from one of mentor-student to peers and friends.
Good work so far!
Not bad, so far. Someone needs to come up with alicorn art of the other Mane 6, too. That's the part that interests me most.
ReplyDeleteLove the length...nice, slow plot development and careful crafting are appreciated!
ReplyDeleteIt is a little slow granted but that fits with the regal essence of the storyline.
ReplyDeleteI like the premise of the story, it would make a good set of episode fic's (which is what I think was being talked about in the author note)
In short, write more so I can judge you more :P
By Celestia, this is long. It's a pretty good start though. The slow pace isn't the best way to hook ponies into reading it, but if you're going to justify alicorns, you need a good buildup. Not sure how I feel about alicorn fics, but it seems to be well thought out as to avoid making them too powerful. My only concern it that I hope they stick to guiding Equestria rather than controlling everything directly. I don't want to see every day to day thing everywhere dependent on them, that wouldn't be fun for them or everypony else. And while they are maturing, please don't lose their original personalities. They all seem very well in character so far, but if Pinkie ever stops being Pinkie, I'm out.
ReplyDeleteI, for one, think you're doing a marvelous job with the story so far! I really enjoy a story that manages to pace itself as well as this one has, especially whenever it has such a well developed plot and a pre-planned direction to take things. Those three things typically make any long wait well worth it!
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see future installments!
I loved it!! I misjudged Pinkie Pie too, apparently. I think the slower pacing is appropriate to the gravity of the situation. And given the logical division of their powers, I don't see any Mary Sueism taking place. They're very humble about it, and the differences in their Alicorn forms are interesting to note. (I wish I could draw!!)
ReplyDeleteThere is a light smattering of grammatical errors here or there, and you want to swap your usage of 'your' and 'you're' (the first is possesive, the second is 'you are'), but other than that it was really awesome, and I can't wait for the continuation. :3
I also see hints of shipping...although I hope my favorite fashion pony doesn't get left out of the mix. ^_^
Awesome. I´d love to see fanart from the mane-six alicorn style.
ReplyDeleteThe GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor... Will wait to give one's opinion! It is VERY hard for EVEN the G&P Trevor to judge something, when there's only one chapter out, and it's not even a real chapter, only a Prologue! (Even though it certainly is long enough to be a chapter or two.)
ReplyDeleteThe GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor would like to remind all of the NEIGH-SAYERS that it's ONLY the Prologue! The real story hasn't even started! A Prologue is given to give enough background information, so that the first chapter makes sense. The story hasn't even really began, so you can't complain that it isn't moving fast enough! Prologues are INFORMATIONAL reading. They're not meant to really add/start anything as far as real plot development/conflict is concerned. So The GREAT and POWERFUL Trevor commands everypony to chill on the hating until the REAL story begins with chapters one and two!
The Prologue doesn't seem like it is done yet. At the start it says Prologue Part 1. That means we got at least one more prologue chapter to go through.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I think I spotted who the Semi-Shipping is for. It appears to be for LunaShy.
Lunashy and maybe Appledash.
ReplyDeleteMy only concern going forward is addressing the need for the mane 6 to be alicorns, as it is the justification feels pretty vague and thus weak.
ReplyDeleteAlmost 100k file for a "first prologue"? Wow, this story has some grand ambitions, doesn't it? With the way the author's notes describe it it's practically like a "series relaunch" type dealy, only in fanfiction form. Still, very enjoyable so far even if it feels a bit 'off' technically, as it were.
ReplyDeleteGiven it looked like alicorn I was hesitant at first but it's got a nice premise. It's got some grammatical errors and maybe a few points that could be fleshed out/explained more, but without spoiling it I couldn't go into greater detail!
ReplyDeleteAll in all it's one I'm definitely thinking should be kept on "Keep an eye out for" lists because it is looking great. :)
I see a couple you're/your mistakes when discussing Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie's powers.
ReplyDeleteI think this story is going to have an interesting and daunting challenge ahead. But, I have to say, for such a grand event, the buildup seems rather... pedestrian. Give it a some more flare and pazazz!
ReplyDeleteThis is definitely one for my "eagerly awaiting updates" list.
ReplyDeleteSeems like a pretty interesting set up. Prologues are often a little draggy and boring, but this one got me hooked so far. I'd love to see some fan art of the alicorn mane cast ;)
ReplyDeleteThat was a freaking prologue?! Well I have to say that I look forward to seeing what kinds of situations the cast will be dealing with due to their new responsibilities, a very interesting story and very creative with each character's special powers and abilities.
ReplyDeleteVery well written, like some others have said. A few Grammatical errors here and there, but it didn't detract from the quality of the story at all. I'll have to keep an eye out for this one. I love long chapters in fics, and this didn't disappoint. The pace was just perfect as well. This could very well be a Six star fic with some editing here and there.
ReplyDeleteTast loves long stories... I finished reading this and saw "End of Prologue Part 1"
ReplyDeletePART 1!? I damn near lost it! This story automatically gets my approval, but I will wate-to-rate... Even if I do like how it's going so far.
Well, I liked the story a great deal and I liked how it seemed to be setting up what looks to be a bunch of really interesting character arcs. The pace was really good given the gravity of the situation, and I particaularly liked the descriptions of their fileds/areas/duties when they became princesses.
ReplyDeleteI do have a few concerns, though most of them have been stated already at this point. Things like "I hope they stick to guiding Equestria rather than controlling everything directly," and "please don't lose their original personalities," and "the justification [for them to become alicorns] feels pretty vague and thus weak." Still, this is a good start and It looks to me like you know what you're doing.
Actually my only concern that hasn't been voiced is... well, I'm wondering where the [Sad] tag is. Because quite honestly? You can't have someone turning into an ageless, immortal alicorn and NOT have it.
It seems I'm the only one who read this with the following thought at the forefront of my mind: "Wow... Little Sweetie Belle and Applebloom are going to kick the bucket thosands of years before their sisters will... and Rarity and Applejack will be forced to watch them grow old, gray, senile, and ill before they finaly wither away and die... damn."
I'm sorry, but it's pretty much unavoidable. You can't really have a "they become Alicorns" fic without addressing this fact, and there's really no way to do it without having it become a tear jerker...
...Maybe I'm just too depressive to enjoy this fic how I should...
I can see Applebloom bragging to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon about being a princess by law of association. Also, Twilight's parents live in Canterlot! You've GOT to show their reaction to this somehow. They should at -least- be in the crowd during the not-speech in the central plaza in the next chapter. :x
ReplyDeleteAlso, I just thought of something. I'll admit I'm not the best at astronomy, so I might be horribly mistaken here, but I think I found something that doesn't make sense... Princess Celestia said she's still in charge of the warmth and brightness of the sun, insinuating she's still responsible for ushering in the seasons (and I'm rather fond of her taking on the public image of 'bringer of the seasons' in exchange for 'bringer of the daytime'). In that case, Twilight shouldn't have to worry about moving the planet closer and further from the sun during it's orbit in order to cause the seasonal changes. Which made me wonder... what's the point of her making the planet orbit the sun? Which of course led me to wondering why she'd have to make the planet go in circles around the sun when she would only have needed to move it back and forth to cause seasonal changes, orbit notwithstanding, but that's neither here nor there, my main question is in why the orbit is needed at all? I guess you could say that the Elements have deemed it necessary, but I do hope it's explained at SOME point. Unless I'm horribly mistaken, like I said earlier is entirely possible.
ReplyDelete/shrugs
I am very impressed by your prologue! And the Lunashy ship you put in was perfect. I am eagerly awaiting updates on this! :D
ReplyDeleteHo-le crap that was good! Cannot wait for next installment.
ReplyDelete@Cador_2004 The Lunashy everypony saw( it was mentioned early on) but I didn't see much appledash. Most they interacted was Dash painted one of AJs wagons to be 100% cooler. how's that shipping?
ReplyDelete@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteNo, you weren't the only one who had that thought dominating their mind the entire time.
And I agree: There's no way that that aspect can't be covered without being depressing (at least not that I can think of); and while having the entire Mane Six that way alleviates the problem quite a bit compared to the usual "Twilight (and only Twilight) is an Alicorn" fare, the fact that this story started with them not being immortal and interacting with their other friends and family (and that Sweetie Belle is even living with Rarity in Canterlot) basically swings the pendulum firmly back into the "depressing as hell" category.
In fact, I was actually pretty surprised that it didn't come up in this chapter, because I saw a couple of places in the story that made me question why Twilight (at the very least) didn't connect the dots.
And for that reason alone, regardless of how good this story ends up being (and so far it is pretty good, don't get me wrong), I'm kinda hesitant to keep following it.
To comment on other things, I agree with the people above who mentioned the slow pacing.
I normally don't have a problem with that so long as it is being used effectively (for example, I follow a couple stories that are paced way slower than this one but use the time to basically describe everything in loving detail), but this story doesn't seem like the slow pacing is of any benefit most of the time. It describes stuff, and then it tends to get rather redundant for a while, and then the plot moves forward; rather than describing stuff in exhaustive detail.
beautiful reading amazing story
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this story quite a bit. Definitely wanting more.
ReplyDeleteAt first I was like "Oh no it going to be sad"
ReplyDeleteBut then I was like "Man this is pretty Happy"
However Now Im like "Sweet lord Alicorn Pinkie"
If you can keep this from getting Depressing this could become and amazing story.
So far I'm a give it a Five.
Err, I actualy have to say that the pace actualy was a little to fast for the depth of story that this seems to be heading into. Though it helps that you do not have to introduce the main cast from scratch, as thay are well familure to most of us. Still your working on something t hat has the feel of a good long complex storys. Don't let the distracters begging for a hot fast short story to push you to make the pace fit there expectations.
ReplyDeleteConversely, your quite alowed to tell me to go pester someone else if I seem that I am asking you to go slower than you want. Remember, its your story, your not publishing this comercialy, so why not have fun with it, right?
I would sudjest, giving the 6 a chance to find a little more about themselves, to find who thay are again, cause this major a change will effect there self image, and I want to see what you do with that difaculty.
Oh goodness, please write a scene in Sweetie Belle's school, where Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon pester her about being a blank flank, with the royal guards that are protecting Sweetie right there, oh goodness, that would be wonderfull. Also, I should point out, if Sweeetie technicly is a princess now, so is Applebloom. I am not sure if Scootaloo is related to anyone specific, so I can't say about her.
Can't wait for more!
ReplyDeleteI like this premise actually, and it does give some interesting notes for the futures of the characters.
ReplyDeleteThis actually got me thinking, I might want to use a similar concept as a jumping off point for a story of my own, with the mane six becoming the "princesses of harmony" as the term may be applied to them mainly as a believable way to give them something to do without killing them or forcing them to mysteriously vanish so I can focus on the Cutie Mark Crusaders. If that's all right with you, if not I can find another method to make such a story work.
It's getting harder and harder to wait for this story to update. I wanna read the next part of it so much.
ReplyDeletegood story so far. update soon please
ReplyDeletePONIES! PONIES! PONIES! NEED MORE PONIES! i just finished reading this and its freaking awesome i need more of this fanfic when is the next one gonna come out?
ReplyDeleteAlicorn everyone. Ohwow.
ReplyDeleteI'm making some speculation they will use their powers against each other in the future or something like that lol.
It's been over 3 weeks. When are we gonna get an update to this?
ReplyDeleteHey the google docs needs to get permission changed on it for viewing!
ReplyDeleteFINALLY! I have waited the second part like the rising moon!
ReplyDeleteWell I'm happy the internal suspicion I had seems like it'll be wrong. The trying to read the emotions and between the lines I was doing had me thinking that Luna and Celestia were going to die/ascend here soon, instead it seems some Twilestia is on the table!
ReplyDeleteAlright let's check EquestriaDaily for story updates... Hm... Not on my list, not on my list, not on my list... Duties? Why does that sound familiar?
ReplyDelete...
Oh right! That's because it's AT THE TOP OF MY LIST! GET, IN, MAH, BRAIN!
@Tast
ReplyDeleteHah. That is exactly my reaction as well.
OMG I just found this and the picture for this story. I reskinned the Celestia ragdoll from GMOD to look like Twilight XD
ReplyDeleteWait, Semi-shipping? Like, not a full 18 wheeler, but just a semi? That sounds less interesting. :3
ReplyDeleteInteresting. It seems like the obvious implication is going to come up sooner rather than later, and Twilight is already starting to feel bothered by it.
ReplyDeleteI'm very wary about Discord being shoehorned into this, though.
Eghh...
ReplyDeleteI've said it before and I'll say it again, this story really seems to be trying to dodge a bunch of really important issues.
For one thing there's the questions of just how in character is it for Applejack and Rainbow Dash to be totally okay with these developments, after all, Applejack has always had a penchant for doing things the "honest, old-fashioned, Earth Pony way," And Rainbow Dash is certainly no longer eligible for the Wonderbolts... you know, being royalty and all... I suppose that given the circumstances and their reasons and motivations some things are interpretable but... I dunno, I would think that one or two of them might be having some sort of an identity crisis or something at this point. This is NOT a simple cosmetic change like getting braces or having an Ear pierced. They've been thrust into perhaps one of the most difficult, public places in society and granted all the powers of gods and they just seem to react to it like "Oh hey! It's another day in the neighborhood!" Maybe they have a LITTLE more reaction than that but... they're all just so calm and accepting. It’s honestly really jarring.
If I was just randomly granted the powers of God and thrust into the position of Unquestioned King of the World for Eternity, things would seem... I dunno... a little more complex to me. Is this really what I want? All I ever REALLY wanted in life before this was to be a well-received novelist. Am I cut out for this position? Am I responsible enough to use these powers? Is this really who I am? Do I really need this much? Who am I now that I have these powers? Am I still me or am I something else? There are questions here that it seems like they SHOULD be asking... questions that don't just pertain to "what do we do now" and "how do I cast magic?" They should be asking these questions and it really seems like they simply aren't.
I dunno… MAYBE Pinkie Pie and perhaps Rarity and Twilight might be able to ask these questions and come to easier answers (And that’s still a pretty damn big MAYBE), but I would suspect Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Fluttershy would have a harder time answering them… and they’re just skipping about like nothing’s up. And I gotta say, the emotional weight and intellect of the story really suffers for it.
I’ll admit you touch on some issues with family. There was that little bit with Twilight’s parents and the part with Apple Bloom, which is a decent start but… it’s so few and far between. And amidst everything else that we know but you won’t bother to mention it doesn’t make a whole lot of impact.
And of course, there's the elephant in the room that I brought up before. The fact that they have friends and relatives ASIDE from the mane 6 who are all gonna die in what'll seem relatively like a snap now that they're immortal. It really looks like you are trying to write a story that will just try to ignore this point and let's all just have a fun time using our new Alicorn powers, but the thing is, there's a reason why it's called an Elephant in the room. Elephants are big, smelly, noisy, and very VERY hard to ignore. And yet, this story just keeps seeming to try and dodge the issue.
(Continued Below because blogger is silly and can't handle long comments)
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDelete(Continued from comment above)
This has the capability to be perhaps the most powerful and emotional story that the fandom has ever seen and I'm not even exaggerating about that. The statements about life, the self, friendship, and our place in the world that this fic could make are simply staggering. But you just keep dodging the emotional and intellectual stuff to skip through meadows and pick flowers in the park. Which is all well and good most of the time but it's a disappointing waste of material in this case and honestly very annoying here simply by the nature of the story.
The thing is, there are other “they become Alicorns” fics out there. There are a number with Twilight. There’s at least one with Rainbow Dash. I read one with Fluttershy the other day. And NONE of them ever tried to dodge these issues before. They took them head on. The questions of identity, duty, friendship, life... all of them were met full force and they didn’t waste our time or make cutesy-cutesy for three hours before getting to them. This story, with all 6 of them being Alicorns, means that we can look at these issues from six different perspectives in all sorts of different ways, but it just keeps beating around the bush.
As well written as it is from a formulaic standpoint, it's just so insistent on dodging the big, meaty issues and it gets so irritating as a result. I may just have to wash my hands of this fic. Sorry...
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteI don't think it's so much as not wanting to do it, but more of not wanting it brought up all at once. Denim Blue already has things set up for chapters involving Applejack, Twilight and Celestia, and a trip to the griffon territories.
This, from what I can tell, is already gonna be a big story. It would make it more complicated for the writer if he had over half a dozen different plot points to write and keep in order while writing each chapter. Be patient, hopefully Denim Blue will eventually get to the stuff you complain that the story lacks, or maybe this will gain a complete tag before then. I think those kinds of complaints should be held back until then.
Everyone's reaction to Princess Fluttershy made me smile. "D'AWWWW"
ReplyDeleteBest story I have ever read
ReplyDelete@OminousBrony
ReplyDeleteWell... yeah, and I sorta get that. In fact, from a narrative standpoint I can completely understand not wanting to clutter things up too much...
But from a character standpoint you must understand that this makes NO sense. We've had two long chapters so far and in the story over a week and a half seems to have gone by. I somehow doubt it would take this long for all of these things to sink in. These are smart characters. They should have figured this out already and they should have started asking more questions by this point.
I get it from a formula standpoint, but it doesn't mesh well with the character angle. You see what I'm saying?
@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteAs per the whole outliving friends/family...
This is an excerpt from Part 2, right after Applejack leaves to go talk to Applebloom. They are on the subject of family.
"Luna was the first to actually speak. “I think we need to talk to them about the long term obstacles they’ll be facing, Celly.”
The usually radiant and ever-calm alicorn visibly slouched, her expression taking on a somber look that only one who had lived for eons could wear. “I know...it’s just...” She looked to the sun for several long moments before turning to her sister. “What if...what if they become angry with us, and hate us? It’s not like we really gave them a choice...even if they did have the option to refuse becoming an alicorn.”"
The story will get there, young padawan, but until then: patience.
As for the other things... Well, I'd wait for identity crisis to hit when they handle the court solo. Also, they're ponies, not humans, they aren't gonna react the same way. These ponies can bounce back from anything! ... Although, that would make for a shallower story... I'll use the "It's just 2 parts in" excuse again.
@Tast
ReplyDeleteOh I caught that, yeah, and it seems to be pointing in the right direction at least. It's why I haven't said anything definite about dropping the story yet. I was all ready and willing towards the end of the chapter to just drop the story until I saw them say that and then I said, "alright I guess I'll stick with it a little longer."
But I feel I must reiterate, a week and a half has gone by... and nobody has figured it out. Nobody has asked questions. Nobody has done, anything that would suggest that these characters have an IQ higher than that of a grape. It's like they all just decided to grab the idiot ball for a week and just plain stop thinking. It's a little annoying is all.
The fact is, one of my biggest pet peeves is when somebody takes an idea or premise that has a ton of potential and then screws it up or doesn't use it to the best it can be. This story, so far has had two chapters to play with these ideas and has just kept beating around the bush. One of the biggest rules of writing is to not waste the reader's time. And it kinda is at this point. It needs to, in the immortal words of Monty Python, "Get ON with it!"
I'm a harsh critic, I'll admit it. And I tend to pick nits like a neurotic chimpanzee. But it's all in the intent of trying to get writers to see their mistakes and do better. I've been a little bit harsher than normal with this one because this story has the potential to be something really great, and I can see it lurking beneath the surface. But it just can't keep wasting time like this.
For all that is holy and awesome in this universe i really cant wait for more of this story :D
ReplyDelete@Dusty the Royal Janitor
ReplyDeleteWait, a week and a half? I got the impression that scant few days had passed, and the Mane Six were still running on autopilot.
I certainly agree with dusty. This story has some amazing potential, but it isn't going to reach that potential unless it starts to deal with those pig picture themes of immortality and loss.
ReplyDeleteAside from this I have to bring up the point that the prologue just ended. Sure, the author could have started to hit on those points by now but by no means is it too late to start. Of course, this has been an absolutely enormous amount of material to include in the prologue alone, but I think that this is indicative that the story is likely to massive. I have to expect that immortality is going to become a major plot point soon, but it really isn't too late at this point, in my opinion.
Finally, I really enjoyed the prologue. Denim has set the stage for a story that could be absolutely fantastic. But i don't think that it would be incorrect for me to say that this is probably the largest undertaking of any pony fanfiction writer. To really do this story justice, Denim is going to have to show how 6 different ponies react to what amounts to an ascent to godly status. Even exploring only one character's reaction to the event would be a multilayered and fascinating story. But to explore the thoughts of six independent ponies will be quite the challenge and I'm sure will involve tons of hard work. Best of luck Denim Blue and I look forward to seeing how the rest of the story will go. I can tell you have a grand vision for this story and it has the potential to easily meet that vision.
I've been waiting on this to update for awhile now, I really like the oremise behind it and sometimes I feel like massive stories so right now this is just what i felt like reading.
ReplyDeleteIt tends to go on a bit but for what it is I think its acceptable.
There are a few spelling and grammatical errors that even I noticed with my general ineptness when not paying full attention but they are easily fixed and don't really detract from anything.
My only real complaint is the mane cast seemed just a little too quick to adapt and accept suddenly being raised to co-rules of Equestria.
I really want to see how this goes and if it stays at roughly the same length I can see it becoming fairly massive before its over.
Though now I have to wait on chapters again which is quite possibly my most hated thing, I can't stand waiting for updates.
Also I was certain I had commented on this before. It must have failed to post.
I personally think the Mane 6 is too hyped up on the fact that they're living gods to consider the fact that they will outlive everypony else they care for.
ReplyDeleteAnd they haven't had to do any actual ruling yet either. They're still just getting the hang of their new bodies, if I'm not mistaken.
I have a question about these. In the case of any story posted here that is published using Google Docs, is there any reliable way to keep tabs on when the story is updated?
ReplyDelete@Noah Kelley
ReplyDeleteFrom what I can tell, no. And I have checked every place this could possibly be found. It can only be found by the links provided here.
I just read this and I'm anxious to see what else will happen
ReplyDeleteI need part 3 to make my life complete.
ReplyDeleteElement of hope, which makes ponies do amazing things and is potentially the most important element
ReplyDeletegive it to Pinkie Pie
I want to keep reading, the wait between chapters is unbelievably long, patience is high though considering that your writing skills are absolutely eloquent. I await the continuation with baited breathe :D
ReplyDeleteJust keep waiting
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This needs to update soon. I wanna read more of it.
ReplyDeleteSPOILER ALERT!!!
ReplyDeleteGoing to be doing a variant of my usual review style. Hopefully the difference won't even detectable.
Prologue 1:
I’m sure she’d like to know that we are in town so she won’t here rumors later from other ponies and put herself into a panic.
-Should be "hear".
She let out a content sigh.
-I think "contented" would work better, but your mileage may vary.
Prologue 2:
-Well, first off, the document name has a misspelling: "Prolougue".
Equestria’s been peaceful for over several hundred years now.
-It doesn't show up much in the Google-doc itself, but, as you can see, there are some extraneous spaces here. This also shows up in a .txt format download of the file (perhaps depending on line-length?).
Rarity and Applejack both felt nothing in relation to magic today
-This makes it sound like Rarity is having to re-discover what she could do before. You might consider trying something along the lines of "Rarity and Applejack had had no developments in regards to their magic today"
“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. My hair is a mess, so what?”
-Messy hair would be no big deal to her. Messy feathers OTOH are no good for flying. I think she MIGHT fix those as a matter of routine unless she ALWAYS eats breakfast in her cloud-house, and even then, with the amount of random napping she does, I would think it would be part of her routine on waking.
After the ponies had finished their first meal of the day, Celestia urged them to all go about preparing themselves for the public appearance, which would be held in less than a couple of hours.
-I would have expected Rarity to voice some objection about not being given time to make custom dresses for all of them for the occasion... Celestia would probably tell her "Hey, I wear the same stuff all day every day, even to the Grand Galloping Gala. Less is more for Princesses... feel free to change that LATER, but for now, we need to have a clear transition more than we need a picture-perfect one."
along with adornments selected by Luna and Celestia themselves. Their regalia matched that of Celestia and Luna’s though there were a few subtle differences if one looked.
-That would pacify Rarity a good deal, although one wonders how many sets the Sisters had in reserve to be sure of being able to fit all the possible combinations of body-sizes and shapes among their successors. Then again, gold and gemstones are much cheaper in Equestria than IRL. Also, I take it that just like the Elements were rocks before the Mane Six activated them, they resized themselves for the new neck/hat sizes?
In place of a crown were golden leaves that strongly resembled those that were part of her Grand Galloping Gala outfit.
-More specifically, a golden laurel wreath if my knowledge of Greco-Roman history serves me correctly.
To be continued...
Continued from previous comment!
ReplyDeleteSPOILER ALERT!!!
Last was Rarity, who had dressed up the most of the group.
-As in selected the stuff, or as in cast that much gold jewelry over night (since she wouldn't have known the exact sizes before their transformation)? I guess that makes sense since she... oh, wait, either you have a plot hole, or the Sisters had the pieces already around and selected them, and Rarity just put them on herself and her friends.
If I so much as see a stray leaf touch their backs,
-Which, of course, is actually an issue for Fluttershy. I wonder how tough they are? If they are as tough as they are powerful, then Pinkie and Rainbow need to start dropping anvils on Fluttershy until she gets used to the idea that it doesn't hurt... or maybe surprise isn't the way to go about it, in which case Applejack or Twilight should handle it.
only to do a double take when they noticed five new alicorns following behind her.
- You mean six, right? Unless Rainbow is more "above" than "behind"? Or perhaps they are mistaking Twilight for Luna? (but you should say so in that case).
Luna was almost suffocated by press when she returned, and you can imagine how that must have been after ages of isolation...”
-I hope you don't mean "suffocated" literally? Or maybe the breathable atmosphere used to go all the way up to the moon's altitude? Then again, she wasn't ON the moon, she became PART of it. Still, it seems odd if they can't actually travel to the celestial bodies they control.
The crowd erupted into gasps, shouts of excitement and confusion, and even the occasional whinny.
-Might want to clarify "whinny of fear" otherwise this is looking entirely too smooth for even Equestria/Celestia. SOMEONE is going to be scared by this big a change.
I’m Pinkie Pie, and I’m from Ponyville.
-A real world speech-writer would be head-desking SO hard if they heard this... it would imply partisanship/pork-barrel politics. Even if the audience all already knew she is an Element of Harmony many of them probably wouldn't know she is "so random".
before I forget, we’ll be throwing a HUGe party in the castle when I get a date set up, and everypony is invited!
-Capitalize the "e" in HUGE.
-Well... I need to cut this short... will probably finish it up some other time... probably in the next few days.
SPOILER ALERT!!!
ReplyDeleteI ask that you all welcome them with the kindness that Equestria is known for.
-Depending on how you want to do your world-building, you might MAYBE want to capitalize "Kindness".
the Royal Guard had managed to create a path back to the castle, and usher the royal ponies back into the white stone walls.
-"within" might be a better word-choice than "into".
“W-wait, we’re going to have to visit Manehantten???”
-Should be "Manehatten" I think. Definitely remove that middle "n". Other than that, I couldn't swear to any fine points of spelling.
Rainbow spoke up, her voice shaky as her knees.
-Really? I would have thought that it would be Applejack with a particular problem with that city, given her past, awkward, experiences there. I look forward to discovering what Rainbow Dash's particular problem with it is.
“Really? Prin...Celestia, you’re so good at it though.
-Well, depending on how the history worked out, she might have had to start doing it very early in her rule or perhaps very suddenly. The second option could even be the result of Luna's banishment, since "Luna Eclipsed" shows she has a default manner of speaking that seems custom-made for addressing crowds and is VERY used to it. If Luna was doing the speeches/press-conference equivalents that would make sense. Of course, that is a bit of a stretch if you assume that Luna is nocturnal and factoring in her motives for rebelling. The other alternative is that the sizes of the groups she was speaking to grew very very slowly over the millenia as the pony population and population density grew.
Truth be told, Twilight, back when Luna and I had first become the diarchs of Equestria I was quite the stage-frightened pony.
-Given that you started this before Season 2 and published the second chapter less than a week after S2E1, I wonder if you are going to work the plot around to make it consistent with them seizing power from Discord. That WOULD be a rather sudden change if they only took rulership after that (rather than becoming resistance leaders first, THEN finding the Elements).
Luna was also scared stiff at the idea of speaking before crowds of hundreds of ponies, being the timid filly that she was, and I was only slightly better.
-Well, there goes that theory! Such cases are why I like to comment as I go, to give the writer a more high-resolution look into the mind of at least one (somewhat atypical) reader.
“However, the staff of the castle at the time helped tutor me on proper public speaking, what to do and what not to do, among other things.
-Ok, so probably NOT the "took office when they defeated Discord" model, although theoretically they could have inherited some staff who were glad of the change (or just wanted to maintain whatever level of comfort and authority Discord had allowed them, and maybe even were wise enough to see that it was only going to get better for them under the Sisters). Actually, the whole concept of a well-understood apotheosis generally goes against the concept seizing power from Discord. They could be made to work together, but the idea that you are building only on S1 seems slightly more plausible, and there is nothing wrong with that (elsewise long fics would need so much rewriting as new episodes came out that they would tend to get REALLY bogged down).
Continued below...
SPOILER ALERT!!!
ReplyDelete“The desire for civil rights to be a given right and not a privilege to everypony, the wish for treaties to be rewritten with the neighboring lands, and have equal representation of the various pony settlements in the Equestrian parliament-”
-Is this supposed to parallel the Magna Carta or something? Actually, for some reason THIS I DO feel like looking up
*Goes to Wikipedia*
*Returns*
Not seeing much similarity. This actually makes sense given that the duoarchs don't seem to need much limits on their power compared to the lower levels of government. NMM could be considered much more similar to provisions/procedures (perhaps made up at the time by Celestia, perhaps with help from said parliament) for "temporary insanity" rather than "checks and balances".
I began small, then more ponies would listen, until eventually I was giving the speech to the entire city of Fillydelphia, which at the time was the largest city in Equestria.”
-At first I was given to wonder why it wouldn't be a city that the castle in what is now the Ever-free forest was in, but then I realized that shy rulers might desore a somewhat isolated location.
“Luna’s still a bit shy in regards to public appearances, unfortunately, but her desire to be with her fellow ponies and the craving to learn about all the changes in society that she missed out on has stamped out most of that fear.
-You need a closing quote-mark here. See also my earlier comments about NOT trying to keep track of canon established after you start(publish the first part of?) a work. Not that this is THAT hard to reconcile with "Luna Eclipised"... in fact it gives more problems with "Return of Harmony, Part 1" since they would have been ruling a long time before Luna went bad probably... then again, maybe the population took a long time to get to the levels that would require such tweaks to the governance, just as happenned in Earth's history?
“...though I think she’s a little jealous of Princess Celestia’s ‘pretty mane’, as she so eloquently put it.”
-Not going to look up the timing, but is this a reference to S2E3?
“That is a reasonable sum of money, but considering the amount of work you’d be putting into this, I can understand the costs.”
-Consideer changing "but" to "and" or removing it entirely.
“She’s typically awake by dawn, and I’m sure if you can get here early enough, whoever is holding court at the time can find her for you.”
-I wonder if such "sloppiness" (no scheduled appointment) even after only being "on the job" for a day grates on Twilight Sparkle, AKA "The Pony of Plans", who is just a touch anal retentive. Then again, going to 6 or 8 rulers(depending on how you count) has a lot of potential to loosen up a schedule that was probably originally written for the Duoarchy. Note that Celestia's dislike for formality (not totally canon, but very strongly supported fanon) would NOT necessarily imply a dislike for efficient scheduling. Which is to say, I don't think that the Royal Court is run as anything other than a tight ship (but perhaps with well-considered proceedures to allow flexiability as needed).
Continued (perhaps I should be less loquacious with my theorizing...)
SPOILER ALERT!!!
ReplyDelete“No, please, I’d actually love to introduce you to them.”
-I actually think that handling the potential shock of seeing their daughter for the first time (at least at close range) after her transformation would be pyschologically better handled in a less formal environment... also, I would have thought that Celestia would have advised Twilight of the inadvisability of running personal relationships through official channels, based on her own, less than ideal, experiences with it (see "A Bird in the Hoof"). Then again, perhaps that way works out for the best in the end, so Twilight is intentionally continuing it rather than using the transition as an opportunity to change it? It is also possible I am completely misreading the guard's subtext, and her parents weren't on the official list in the first place.
your father and I are so proud of you.”
-I would think that their capacity for feeling proud of her would have already been pretty much maxed out after she saved the entire world by leading the exorcism of an archangel/demi-godess/well-at-least-a-Princess, but if Discord's break-out isn't part of the back-canon for this (as I suspect it isn't), then the intervening year or so may be enough for their brains to have reset enough to allow for additional pride on top of this. Still think that they aren't weirded out enough, even for as "happy" a show as this is. Perhaps they are, but are trying not to show it, and little hints will show in upcoming paragraphs and pages.
It’s amazing how many newly formed stars can cluster together in such a small area, considering how large
-This seems like a sentence lacking at least a period, and maybe a few words at the end.
“Dear, you’re doing it again.”
-Actually, I would say that such fan-fillying would be completely appropriate, although MAYBE it should be kept to "Oh my gosh, I am a BIG fan, can we talk later?".
“Your daughter has been a truly helpful mare for my sister and I.
-"helpful" doesn't even begin to cover it... she saved Luna from a fate arguably worse than death, not to mention... well, I guess all she MAY have saved them by coordinating the efforts in Dragonshy was a few hours for one of them to go down and talk to the dragon themself (and, by my fanon, deal with the situation via non-lethal force if diplomacy failed).
“Though I do think Princess Celestia had just as much of a part in helping Twilight grow up.”
It could have been a trick of the dimmed lighting of the throne room, but for a moment Luna thought she saw sadness in the eyes of the two parents as they looked to Twilight,
-Sadness for not being as much of a part of her life as they might have if she hadn't been Celestia's personal student? Or is this the first hint of uncertainty about what she ended up literally growing up INTO over the past few days?
Whether they were troubled by something or not, Luna barely had time to think on it as the two unicorns continued to talk with their daughter.
-This tends to support the 2nd theory above.
went off to one end of the hall and had a more private chat.
-Why not her private chambers?
My father travels across the land to map out stars and make observations with his telescope
-Nonsensical for RL (a few stationary observatories work better IRL), plausible for a world such as Equestria. This is nice world-building.
Continued....
You know what? I think I am going to stop here... I feel like a spammer.
ReplyDeleteIf I see a positive response from the author I might post again, but it would be easy for me to miss such a thing, and even then my critiquing is somewhat a matter of the proper mood.
My Large Anticipation: Updates would be Magic.
ReplyDeleteI would very much like an update.
ReplyDelete~yay~ An update! 8D Thanks a ton!
ReplyDelete*After chapter* ;a; CONFOUND THESE PONIES! THEY DRIVE Trevor TO EMOTION! /manlytears.jpg
~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria
Checking EqD for updates, even though ill just go right back to Sitting...
ReplyDeleteDuties? -red ring of death- Perfect timing, xbox, more important things to do!
Finally after checking multiple story updates each day this has finally updated. Squee.
ReplyDeleteOh man. I am so happy to see this. Tears were shed.
ReplyDeleteThe latest chapter (3) was very powerful. Thank you for writing this, it really does make my day that little bit better, even if the subject material may not be happy.
ReplyDeleteAaannnnndddd there's the elephant in the room, finally brought out into the open in what was very likely the best way possible.
ReplyDeleteChoosing Applejack, stubborn-but-still-able-to recognize-that-she-is-way-over-her-head-and-scared-as-a-result Applejack, to be the one to put the implications together first (and for Applebloom to do the same thing but not quite grasp what they mean) was almost a Flawless Victory in terms of the amount of impact they were given.
Really, I don't think there was a better character to use to figure out exactly what the Mane Six were asked to do meant; and the amount of complete hell I'm assuming she is going to raise the second she meets with Celestia will be interesting to watch unfold.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteShe has already met with Celestia. The rest of the Mane 6, Luna and Celestia all came to visit her.
@OminousBrony
ReplyDeleteWhat I suppose I probably should have said was "when she returns to Canterlot."
I like the story so far. I might add that on Equestrian Dawn Mush I am as Luna, having to teach two new young alicorns how things work for Alicorns, magic is different, ponies look at you different, and we have had the talk about how the friends they know today will not always be there but the alicorns should always be there for their friends. Luna has had to deal with that the hardest. Considering every pony she knew before the NMM thing is long ago dead and she never got to say goodbye or be there for them. So I see Luna being the one to push about this...to give them time to work through that.
ReplyDeleteHoly crap. That was one of the most amazing things I have ever read (Ch 3). This is only the second fanfic I have read that I have had to stop reading to cry. You handled this masterfully. I was truly in awe of your writing skills. And you handled everything so well. That was amazing, through and through.
ReplyDeleteOk. So far this has been an entertaining story, above average I would say. It feels like it started out a bit slow, perhaps also because of the long time between updates.
ReplyDeleteBut chapter 3... Wow. Just wow. I can't think of a single thing I didn't like. You just can feel AJ's struggle with everything going on, the emotion in the chapter is just brilliantly handled. And not just her, but all of her family. All the time it feels like the show too, if the show would handle such serious subjects. AJ seems to be somewhat accepting of her possible immortality at the end of the chapter, but I hope and feel like the struggle isn't over yet. Not for her, let alone for the other ponies.
I am really going to be excited now when chapter 4 appears. No matter how long you take, rest assured I'll be here to read it.
im just sad that i didnt see any shipping so far
ReplyDelete@MaSc
ReplyDeleteFrom what I can tell, first chapter hinted at possible LunaShy and second chapter at the end hints at TwiLestia.
yes, but just because some relationships are mentioned (!) makes the story not to a [semi-shipping]-fic
ReplyDelete@MaSc
ReplyDeleteWell at the end of chapter 2, Luna had convinced Celestia to speak with Twilight about her possible feeling and at the end of chapter 3 it says the next chapter is Celestia's. That means we will get it hopefully next chapter.
My first thought, when it was revealed that Pinkie Pie shall be the Princess of Hope (Among other things) was a soldier in a foxhole, praying to Princess Pinkie to give everyone hope.
ReplyDeleteIt made me cry and laugh at the same time.
Looking forward to the next chapter when you post it.
ReplyDeleteWhere is the next chapter? I wanna see Celestia and Twilight.
ReplyDeleteDamn I hope this story didn't die, love me some implied Twilestia!
ReplyDeleteHELL YEAH, DUTIES! Must read.
ReplyDeleteUPDATE?! BUCK YES! 8D
ReplyDelete*After reading*
O.o Wow... Woohoo! Sweetie Chapter next! 8D (I'm curious as to why the tag is SEMI-shipping though.)
~ Moonstone, Minstrel of Eqeustria
The big reveal was actually... rather disappointing.
ReplyDeleteI can understand AJ's distance and lack of reaction, because she's basically been tearing herself up about it ever since she found out. I can understand Pinkie's because she had already found it out, and she's Pinkie. Fluttershy doesn't seem like she would be too bothered by it either; and after what had happened earlier between her and Celestia, I can understand Twilight's reaction.
But Rarity? Something just seems off about how Rarity took the news.
Or maybe not. I need to think about it.
>See chapter 4 of Duties show up
ReplyDelete>"Hmm, the rest of my stories aren't currently updating."
>*click* *read*
>*look at clock* Waitaminute, it's been 4 hours already?
Lol apparently Celectia vaporized Luna when she banished her
ReplyDeleteI found that somewhat funny
Yeah, I'd sort of start thinking about changing that tag to just "Shipping" now, actually. XD
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I'm greatly enjoying this story thus far.
Looking forward to the next chapter. =3
@Magical Trevor
ReplyDeleteLunashy and Twilestia are hinted at.
Lesbians...lesbians everywhere....
ReplyDeleteOK, for reals, I LOVE this story!! The Granny Smith scene got me misty, and the general premise has such potential, it's great to see a talented author bringing it around. But, I have a humble request. Please don't make ALL of them filly-foolers? Look, I have nothing against gays at ALL, I kind of like the LunaShy angle being handled all coy like that. But the lesbian angle is used by lazy writers who don't want to make a decent male OC(which, by the way, you have plenty of. I'd love to see a Rainbow Dash/male guard ship). It's just that nearly every great ship fic is lesbian in nature, and I get tired of it. I'm just saying, 2 of the six being lesbians is cool, any more than that and it reeks of laziness, and you are anything but. I'm sorry, I just don't see the Mane Six being that way, so it seems out of character to me. But, YOU are the author, and if you keep up this level of quality, I'll keep reading no matter what the ships. Just as long as you WANT them to be there. Be different, be straight! LOL :P
Also, one mroe tiny bit of criticism. I think you mis-stepped when you had them all end up OK so soon with immortality. Seriously, immortality is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. If someone told me that I was going to have to watch my whole family grow old and die around me, I'd be crushed. Hell, I'm the youngest in my family and I STILL get emo about it! LOL I had hopes when Rarity freaked, but then she just picked up and said, "OK!" But, I still love the story. Please don;t let my minor gripes make you think I don't! :)
ReplyDelete@JakeTheArmyGuy
ReplyDeleteRarity doesn't seem completely ok with it. And with her saying she's fine after calming down, I doubt that is the case really. She's probably holding it in.
@OminousBrony
ReplyDeleteI hope so. Well, I don't wish sorrow upon a pony, I just think it's lots of potential drama fodder. :)
Wow, it's been two months. Still really enjoying this fic, though.
ReplyDeleteTWILESTIA, HOOOOO. Best ship imo. So, is this taking place before the Discord stuff from S2E01-02? And is that going to blow up into an actual plot? Because so far it's more of a character study, lol. It's still fun to read about though, and I'm looking forward to reading the Sweetie chapter in three months. ;)
ReplyDeleteI woke up today at 6 PM (Sick, getting lots of sleep) and the first thing I did was sniff the air. I could smell it... DUTIES UPDATED. Following my nose to my phone, I hoped on the internet and EqD confirmed it. Then I proceeded to cough, sneeze, and generally just die as I sat there. Then I read it. Then I coughed some more. Then I went back to bed. Then I woke up. Then I looked at my phone; it was on this page. I proceeded to write this comment. Now I'm gonna go cough myself to death. (Purposely didn't post anything on story content)
ReplyDeleteWould just like to say that I have enjoyed this fic since I started reading it and I could stop until, well I had to because i had finished all that had been put up. But anyways I was reading the new chapter and I came across a small error so I thought I should point it out...
ReplyDeleteThis is from the 11th paragraph on page 14, I will bold and italicize the part that has a problem.
“I was thinking the same. I hope this won’t bother Spike at all. I never really talked much about relationships between two mares or two stallions. Though, it’s not like he not aware of such things...”
I'm lovin it
ReplyDelete*Gets bored and looks to see if anything I read has been updated. Finds that Duties has been updated for days without me knowing. BLARG!GET IN MY BRAIN!
ReplyDelete@VGmaster78LOL I have looked to see if this fic has updated so meny times it is my 5th most veiwed page on google crome. then as soon as it updates is the day that i dont check and I had not checked until like a week after it updated
ReplyDeleteDid the words "Flank Beach" stand out to anyone else in chapter 5?
ReplyDeleteIsn't that like humans calling a place "Ass Beach?"
...who else is suddenly curious as to what happens at Flank Beach?
Duties Update? And it hasn't been a month or two? YES PLEASE!
ReplyDeleteGo to bed sick, wake up late, check EqD, see Duties.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff man, good stuff. The Sweetie Belle chapter had a distinctly different feel to it, probably because she's a filly. I saw one error that I remember, but I'm too lazy to go find it... (on my phone, kinda hard to get to, sowwy) You seem to do a pretty good job of avoiding what I hate most in stories: trying to hard for pronouns. You use their names more often than "the white alicorn" or, the "regal mare". Thank you for that.
Go to bed sick, wake up late, check EqD, see Duties.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff man, good stuff. The Sweetie Belle chapter had a distinctly different feel to it, probably because she's a filly. I saw one error that I remember, but I'm too lazy to go find it... (on my phone, kinda hard to get to, sowwy) You seem to do a pretty good job of avoiding what I hate most in stories: trying to hard for pronouns. You use their names more often than "the white alicorn" or, the "regal mare". Thank you for that.
Ah. So that explains Rarity's actions in the previous chapter.
ReplyDeleteNevermind then.
Amazing read, as always. Sweetie Belle chapters are always the best chapters. I like how this episode reflected Sweetie's more naive worldview and childish personality. Still, you manage to keep continuity of background events despite the constantly changing points of view. All these small details add a very much to story integrity.
ReplyDeleteLots of funny and heartwarming scenes this time. My favourite were the the epic snow fight and scene with Twilight and Spike in courtroom. And of course Sweetie's concert. I wonder, if the concert at Solstice Festival would help her get her Cutie Mark?
Rarity is still struggling to find peace with the revelation of her immortality. Damn, it must be painful...
Rarity is planning on playing tennis with Blueblood? I still prefer to think that they would maintain their animosity, but I guess this makes sense in the light of Sweet and Elite episode.
This update was unexpected and it made my day. I hope the next one would be out just as quickly. Thank you!
Several typos:
"your confused"
"two pegasus stallion’s"
"I have to foals"
"I’m glade"
I have to admit, this chapter made me shed a couple of tears, but they weren't sad, more like the happy tears Celestia and Rarity shed, and it happened to be that one scene where they did cry. I can't wait for the chapter with Sweetie Belle singing at the concert, there won't be a dry eye anywhere.
ReplyDeleteI think this is my favorite chapter so far, seeing the world through Sweetie's eyes, having to learn about the paparazzi, adjusting to the little time she spends with her sister and her interactions with all the other princess'. Though I was kinda hoping she would tell Rarity about Blueblood approaching her and then Rarity cornering him and telling him in a not so nice tone to stay away from her sister! That would have been awesome!
Other then a few typos here and there, it was an excellent chapter. Rarity still coming to terms with her immortality and having to watch her sister grow up and eventually pass away, you really know how to convey her emotion without even having to bring up the topic because you just know that is what she is thinking about when she talks with Sweetie about spending time with her.
Can't wait for the next chapter about Rainbow Dash!
Duties updated? BUCK YEAH.
ReplyDeleteIt was a really cute chapter, and puts a whole different spin on the whole thing, seeing things from Sweetie Belle's point of view, and the way everyone is getting adjusted to, well, yeah.
Looking forward to the next chapter. =3
Yes! An update and this time on found it on the day it's released.
ReplyDeleteI read Chapter 5; next thing that happens, it snows outside. Crazy, huh?
ReplyDeleteNot really crazy it showed where I'm at too.
ReplyDeleteLatest chapter brought up something interesting.
ReplyDelete"seeing as weather was still going through its transition from pony-dependent to a more primal, uncontrollable state (aside from Rainbow herself)."
Rainbow Dash in charge of the weather.
Going from tailor made weather on scheduled, to having to predict the weather that Dash chooses. I cannot, ever, see this being popular amongst the population, instead bringing quite some resentment. Aka, surprise snowstorm. I know I wouldn't be happy.
Also pegasi I can see being particularly angry by such a massive and important role being suddenly stripped from them. Kind of something that makes pegasi, pegasi.
That and I'd also imagine that a huge amount of pegasi will have suddenly, without warning, found themselves unemployed. Particularly those in Cloudsdale Weather Factory (And possibly other Weather Factories. Which (supplying the weather for the entirety of the country) probably employ a huge, huge amount of pegasi.
It'd be like AppleJack suddenly have being given the power to make as much food as needed, tend to all Equestrian farms by herself, and the farmers unable to affect the crops. And the only job left for the farmers is to try and predict what food she's growing.
However, if it's a temporary thing, as the world is getting used to Dash having influence over it, then my point is moot.
But I just feel that pegasi would not take this lightly, and would leave in much of the population a simmering resentment for the change.
@shadefox
ReplyDeleteI also have a growing suspicion that author is preparing large scale conflicts for the future, up from personal we've seen so far.
The lack of viewpoints from the most serious ponies (Twilight and Luna with Celestia's chapter being... unexpected) made me thinking that maybe author is saving them for something epic and unpleasant. And things 'unpleasant' for alicorns tend to be outright catastrophic for your normal ponies.
There were numerous mentions of trade disagreements with Griffons and even a mention of a war with them five centuries ago. And now Gilda requests a meeting with Rainbow Dash. Look like a perfect foreshadowing for a big trouble...
WHOOOOO! New chapter! Yay.
ReplyDeleteChapter 5 was really cool. Sweetie Belle's perspective on life is interesting. But, there's one thing that's... kind of unnerving to me. See, having the story change perspectives like this all the time is really interesting and unique, but I feel like there might be certain events that we'd miss because of this. For instance, what happens with Sweetie Belle's concert thing. I obviously have no idea how much detail you plan to go into with it, but since it won't be from Sweetie's perspective... Well, there's a possibility of not seeing some things. I understand that you likely wouldn't do that with anything majorly plot centric, but still. I'm worried that by describing things from certain characters' perspectives, we may end up caring more about their feelings and thoughts on such events, and not be able to experience them.
Despite my worries, however, so far you have managed to make the story flow quite well between all the characters. The long update times may be influencing my memory a bit, but I haven't really felt like I haven't been able to enjoy a specific perspective for certain events. You should just try and be mindful of this, like you probably already have. There are those people who will notice any loose ends you don't tie up. Good luck!
-Pete993
This just keeps getting better and better. I for one hopes it stays in the personal as it were like it has, and doesn't go into full blown "omg epic" that people are predicting above....it'd really be too much of a change.
ReplyDeletethis is awesome
ReplyDeleteOk first off, I think I already said this in a previous comment but this story is way more than 20% cooler! But I was hoping that somepony could give links to pictures of the main 6 as alicorns. I always am having a hard time imagining any of them as alicorns except for twilight who's alicorn pic I have already seen as it is the pic for the story. You did a great job describing their changes but I just need a visual so that would be great. So thanks :) Also I wish we could see the GandPT maybe in a future episode? I dont know I just like Trixie. I like her even more than Pinkie Pie and Derpy! But well great story! Here take a five star rating!
ReplyDeleteAnd, as I mentioned before, we see the problems with Dash being the only one able to influence the weather.
ReplyDeleteNatural disasters will be more commonplace (And only Dash is able to stop them now (How many lives could have been saved if the weather patrol had dealt with the hurricane when it was a baby?)), unemployment of pegasi, angry pegasi from loss of of identity, and furious citizens no longer having scheduled weather.
And if she, who subconsciously controls the weather, has between 7% to 20% failure rate at predicting it...
I really don't think there's an pro's to these con's. Farming might improve from slightly better conditions. But at the same time, any improvement is going to be over-shadowed by farmers not having a clue what weather is coming up. It just might make farming even worse.
I thought the EoH were delegating these things to improve Equestria. This is just a massive step backwards.
(I know I'm stuck on this point quite a bit, but everything else helps Equestria in some way, without stripping anything from their citizens. Then Rainbow Dash's job comes up, and it's bad news all the way to the roots. I'm just stumped. I like the story, but damn...)
DAMN IT! Fics need to stop making me feel. First it was Applejack with Granny Smith. And now this.
ReplyDeleteOh boy this is updating a lot more. All of my love.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I came into the chapter smiling and left teary eyed. Why doesn't this have a sad tag?! I find it sadder for some reason than most stories with the actual sad tag. Anyways, keep up the good work.
@shadefox
ReplyDeleteOn top of all of THAT, the whole "Twilight and Celestia have to stay behind lest things go out of whack" seemed REALLY out of place.
Really good chapter, this one. Though I have to say that Rarity was already somewhat unhinged, and I can't imagine that this is going to help her.
ReplyDeleteI also want to parrot shadefox's point above, though. This just doesn't seem like something that was planned out by the sisters very well, and the odd thing is that the story itself seems to acknowledge it was a bad idea, but then it doesn't do anything with that acknowledgement. It outright says that there is no advantage to her controlling the weather, and it shows the disadvantages, but then it drops the issue. It is starting to turn into a tumor that hurts the quality of the story as a whole.
And while I know I have expressed criticism of this story before, only to have it completely rebutted in the next chapter, this seems like a much more problematic thing than just the characters not acting quite the way they should because this has to do with the core foundation of the story.
Really loving this story. SO emotional at times. It feels wonderful and yet I have cried several times while reading it. A good story evokes such emotional responses. And I won't lie, this is THE BEST mane-six-become-alicorns fic I've read that actually takes the consequences of it seriously.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to read more. :)
Well, this stole many hours of my free time, but I enjoyed reading it!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThere are plenty of mistakes in the first two prologues I've read yet.
ReplyDeleteYou've got problems with the good old "your" and "you're", "then" and "than", as well as other minor issues (e.g. misspelling Alicorns by inserting a second "l"). Maybe you should enable the comment function in your gDocs, since these are the fastest way to point out errors. That would be rather late, but it's never been too late to check and fix grammatical and typographical mistakes. Again, I've only read the first two prologues so far, but up until now it has a promising concept, and an enjoyable plot.
So far so good, back to reading.
Wait... when did this update that I missed it? o.o
ReplyDeleteIn a spur of randomness I decided to update this tab (Yes, I keep this page open always) right before going to bed...
Needless to say, I'm going to be a lot later than I should tonight, but I regret nothing. And a few manly tears might have been shed during the scene with Rarity's mother.
Still, I loved Celestia's chapter, so I'm really looking forward to Luna's now. =3
THIS STORY IS SO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteYEAAAAAAAA! UPDATES!!!!!
ReplyDelete*Gets home from the movies.
ReplyDeleteUgh, All I want to do is sleep. But first to check updates to stories on my 3DS. Duties... Slams fist into the power button on computer! Hurry update and boot up!
I hate to say this Denim Blue, But I now have Expectations! Fail them and I will be disappointed.
ReplyDeleteI curse you Denim Blue.... now every time I think of Granny Smith, I'll think of my own Grandmother! They passed in a similar way... I can't help but to tear up.
ReplyDeleteMan, this story. "First of many" Luna chapters? Good god.
ReplyDeleteI like this story immensley, i just wanted to mention a few things that were bothering me. One is how Rainbow dash never talks about being a wonderbolt anymore. That was bothering me from chapter 1 and now after her chapter it was driving me insane.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I thought the luna chapter was just ok. It advanced the plot well enough, but I feel like you've fallen into the trap 95% of authors do that has caused me to avoid fluttershy fics. Fluttershy is only an interesting charachter when something interesting is happening to her, she's developing, or something funny is happening. Otherwise, she's just soft spoken and nice. Like I said, 95%, so maybe it's just me, but fluttershy is such a fun charachter to watch on the show that it bugs me when she has so little personality in fics.
Not trying to be too harsh, I only comment on fics I care about.
I like this. I like this a lot. I liked it so much I was able to look past the little errors that usually grate on me so damn much.
ReplyDeleteWell done. Looking forward to more, whenever it may come!
Loooove the new chapter, but I have to point this out:
ReplyDelete"The only difference being that Twilight can stand on her own two feet and hold her stomach."
>two feet
That is, at the very least, the wrong number. I could see ponies referring to their hooves as feet, though. That's pretty much what they are anyways.
I'm so glad you're doing something with Discord. That's kind of an awesome direction to take this. It's like a character study with a side of plot. Or perhaps the Discord thing is building up to an [adventure] sequel?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteEverytime I see this I have tiny heart attack. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteHow many chapters will there be? Just wondering.
ReplyDelete@abrachoo
ReplyDeleteI honestly don't have a length planned out as far as chapters go. I have a rough plot, a few ideas concerning certain characters, and that's about it. I don't do as heavy of planning with fanfiction; I just let the ideas come to me.
So to answer your question: No real idea. Definitely more than ten, though I can say I doubt I'd go anywhere past 50-60 chapters...though you never know. I may do some side-stories of this series, who knows? One idea I've been toying with in my mind was a little side-story focused on Spike as he gets older/matures. Being a dragon and a close friend of the Princesses of ponykind is sure to be interesting when you live in Equestria.
Could this be put on fimfiction? makes it easier to track, rather than keeping an eye on EqD...
ReplyDeleteAnd now it's on FiMFiction.
ReplyDeleteWOOO.
Yes! Liked and tracked instantly. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI do fee like pointing out that both Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy can be seen in the audience during Trixie's performance, so canon wise Fluttershy can't have been out of town during Trixie's visit.
ReplyDeleteHmm... A Second chapter released in the same month as the last? Yeah, I thought I was dead, but this just confirms it. Heavens real, guys.
ReplyDelete@Baree
ReplyDeleteAre you sure about it? Because lots of fics dealing with return of Trixie are using the idea that Fluttershy and Pinkie have not met her before.
Do you have any idea how freakin' excited I am for this Discord mini-arc?
ReplyDeletePretty darned excited, that's how excited.
Fluttershy is shown multiple times though never says anything.
ReplyDeleteI don't think Pinkie is there at all, though.
Please, do something, ANYTHING to pick up this story. I mean no offense, but there's no real plot, most of the dialogue is superficial, and frankly, I've had to force myself to read the last few chapters. I could only read partway into 9.
ReplyDelete@Mr. Unsmiley
ReplyDeleteThis is looking to be much more "Slice of Life" instead of a standard "plot start > filler > plot end" multi chapter story. The Discord arc might have a plotline, but I for one am enjoying the way the story is. Slice of Life isn't for everyone. Maybe the upcoming chapters will hold your attention better.
@Admiral Sparkle
ReplyDeleteIt's not just the plot, it's the fact that every conversation that I read is practically the same. 'Insert subject, inject laugh every two lines, insert word of wisdom, repeat.' I wouldn't mind if it was slice-of-life, it's the fact that everything looks the same.
@Mr. Unsmiley
ReplyDeleteWell played, Mr. Unsmiley, well played. I'll have to take your word on that one... When I read I tend to read so fast that I don't absorb much, therefore the finer nuances of a story often escape me. Might I suggest reading faster? Teehee~
I feel kinda bad for not having ever commented here. I love this story, and have followed it since the beginning! Ever consider uploading it to fimfiction.net? I usually prefer following stories there, since google docs can be glitchy on a tablet. I always find myself having to download the doc as a pdf, and then transferring it to my tablet.
ReplyDeleteRegardless, I love the story, and it's interesting to see Equestria's world altered in this manner. Discord already worries me. I am only part way through this chapter. I literally just now stopped to come here and type this.
Good work, and bring forth the new chapters! :)
@richfiles
ReplyDeleteHave you tried searching either comments on this page or fimfiction itself?
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/16432/Duties
Well Damn, That discord finally really left me speechless.
ReplyDelete