• Story: Shameless Self-Insertion


    [Grimdark][Crossover][Random] That right there is BOLD.

    Author: Hannah
    Description: Princess Luna discovers a rare creature in the Everfree forest, and is delighted to have a new, exotic pet! However, the pet in question is a human! Written, from my, the author's, point of view, it's a look into who is truly on top- is it person, or pony?
    Shameless Self-Insertion Part 1
    Shameless Self-Insertion Part 2 (New!)

    Additional Tags: human, pet, Luna, long, weird

    55 comments:

    1. ooo, a self insertion that's meant to be a self-insertion! that actually sounds interesting...

      confound these ponies, they drive me to read stuff i dont usually read.

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    2. my reaction: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bh7bYNAHXxw&feature=player_detailpage#t=47s

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    3. SO BOLD

      It's like that guy that bought a bunch of google adwords to make his name pop up asking for a job when CEO's googled themselves.

      BOLD AS BUCK

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    4. @Sethisto

      that is a brilliant idea! Why didn't i think of that in my job search?

      anywho, the story is really good so far, im impressed. the fact that it defined itself as self-insertion beforehand actually helps.

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    5. idea: ponyformers

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    6. A self-insertion that's supposed to be/admits that it is a self-insertion?

      Interesting...

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    7. Self Insert: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

      Not bad so far, keep going!

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    8. This is really entertaining. I like this and I hope you continue Hannah. :) 5 stars

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    9. I'm not the most avid fanfic reader so disregard this If I insult some Holy order of fandom but I really like this story, thankfully no ships involved. I get shipping-sick really easily

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    10. Hey, at least he's willing to admit it's a shameless self insertion.

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    11. Don't a lot of people do self-inserts? It's not particularly bold. He's just outright saying it as opposed to leaving it obvious like most of the other self-inserts.

      Still. It looks like a pretty good fic.

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    12. I love it! Says all the things I wonder when I wander into Equestria...

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    13. My only gripe is that Luna, despite being super smart, seems to be ignorant to the human's obvious sentience. I want to see Luna at least acknowledge it before the story continues.

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    14. I wish the chapters were longer (I blame FO:E for spoiling me)

      But other than that....

      I approve

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    15. well, it left me wanting more, so good job! ;D

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    16. The concept of an intentional self-insert reminds me of the fic "Sleeping with the Girls". In it, an anime fan finds himself waking up in the bed of a random girl from an anime every time he falls asleep. Great fic, because every single thing is played brutally realistically, such as him freaking out and beginning to go mad from sleep deprivation.

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    17. Read the second part, ok so they do kinda acknowledge the human's sentience, but still keep him as a pet? WTF. This isn't right at all.

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    18. @Sun Ray

      Her name is Hannah.

      She's a girl.

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    19. @Sun Ray

      keep in mind their other pets. Angel and Owloicious (never remember how to spell that) show some kind of sentience. Perhaps they are just really high-functioning animals, but I can see where a pony would make that kind of mental leap and think a human is a high-functioning hairless monkey or something. so it's not that out there, you just gotta take it in context.

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    20. It's kind of....odd that Luna would keep a sentient being as a pet.

      If Hannah was being kept as a research subject, that would be one thing. But as a pet? Seriously? And Celestia is cool with it?

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    21. @Anonymous

      you may want to read my previous comment ;)

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    22. @Sir Leadhead

      But Owlowicious isn't a pet. He's an assistant. Who became one of his own free will.

      And Angel, he's not chained up. So I must assume that this is also of his own free will.

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    23. @Anonymous

      hm, good point. Still, ponies more-or-less 'owning' (for a given value of 'own') non-pony sentients is in the show, but it is true that they could probably just leave if they wanted to. So it's less of an 'owning' thing in that case, and more of a partnership.

      quite interesting. in any case, for the premise of the story at hand, it dosnt bug me that much. then again, i'm a pretty easygoing guy, and I can see how it would bother others, but I dont think it detracts from the actual story that much.

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    24. I can't help but get a vague fetishist vibe from the notion of keeping a human as a pet (the story description of "who's on top" doesn't do much to dispel this belief, but if that's what the author is going for, she's shown remarkable restraint in its portrayal. And for this fetishist's money, much more effective than the over-the-top description that usually would accompany this kind of story.

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    25. I seem to be the only one who is surprised by the fact that the author isn't a brony in her story.

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    26. why is it grimdark? (haven't read it)

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    27. @Hio590 You might be on to something here. If it were, as it claims to be, a real Self-Insert, then the Hannah in the story should at least have heard the names Celestia, Luna, Equestria, etc., since Hannah the author obviously does know them. Maybe this is something completely different: A story that IS NOT a real Self-Insert, but claims to be.

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    28. Clearly I'm on to- wait... That's starting to sound like a line from one of those romance novels, Seth.

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    29. Fuck.
      I have tinkered with an idea of doing the exact same thing.
      Seems I was too late.
      Oh well, saves me the trouble of writing it! =D

      -The Jack

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    30. This is interesting, but I don't find it very believable that Hannah wouldn't request that she be let off of the leash as soon as Luna speaks to her. I also find it hard to believe that Luna would put her on a leash in the first place, especially since Hannah is presumably still clothed. That would imply sentience on it's own. It doesn't make sense to me that the first response anypony in Equestria would have to freeing anything tied to a tree would be to immediately restrain it again.

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    31. shameless is always the best

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    32. Finally a GOOD self insert

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    33. Shouldn't it be [Grimdark][Shipping] ?
      Because that's what BDSM is, right? BDSM = Grimdark Shipping

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    34. It's not quite clear that BDSM is where it's heading... though it does kinda look that way. Either way though, however kinky the pet relationship winds up being, it doesn't look particularly romantic.

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    35. Well, as long as the Self-Insertion is Shameless.

      *Goes to read*

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    36. As long as the author ADMITS its a self-insertion, then it makes it AWWWWWWright...cough

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    37. i liked it. uh, some of what they said applies (about keeping sentient and sapient creatures as pets) and all i guess but so far it's pretty good. but, i do have a question. Hannah, you're not 'allowed' to tell strangers your last name? i agree its a bad idea and you shouldn't do it regardless of your age but just how old are you?

      actually, don't answer that. oh my god, i'm old. when'd that happen?

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    38. *Inhale*... I guess I'm one of the few people who DOESN'T like this story.

      The actions of Hannah are completely unbelieveable. Why is there no hint of panic after two hours of being tied up alone in the woods? Why doesn't she show surprise when a freakin' purple unicorn shows up? Why does she allow Luna to put her on a leash? Why does she so readily accept the existence of magic in Equestria? Why doesn't she say "what the hell is Equestria" when the narrative shows that she is thinking it?

      In short: Who is this person I'm reading about? As far as I can tell, she's nothing but a Mary-Sue and I'm sorry, but putting a lampshade on that fact by giving it a "wacky" title doesn't make doing this any more excusable than it would otherwise be.

      Hannah is a moron and the vapid writing doesn't help with my perceptions of her. She apparently gets kidnapped, tied up, blindfolded and gagged and yet has to force herself to not GIGGLE at the person who she suspects is about to kill her? Now, I think I'm fairly reserved when it comes to reactions, and I promise you that if I thought some fucked-up mystery cult were about to sacrifice me to their moon god or whatever, giggling would be the very last thing on my mind.

      This is quite honestly one of the worst stories I have ever read, and I've read My Immortal. In two whole chapters, nothing of consequence happened. Hannah followed her new slaver like a sheep, obviously not scared (because otherwise she wouldn't be acting like such a LOLSORANDUM cheeky chappie) and yet making only a token effort to mention the fact that she wants to go home.

      The other characters show no endearing traits either. Luna resorts to playing charades with Hannah and yet not ten lines later strikes up a conversation. What was the point of the pointing and head-shaking? The only thing I can think of was some sort of comic relief, and "Is your name Sky? Night Sky? Starry Sky? Moon?" got older faster than I could possibly have ever imagined. Neither of the alicorns (a word which Hannah knows despite it being an original brony term which nobody else uses) seem remotely interested in her actual existence, and nobody seems to give a shit that Luna basically just walked into the forest, just HAPPENED to come across this specific animal, silently puts a leash on said animal and then walked back out of the forest. Why was she doing that? This part also reveals a distinct lack of basic knowledge of distance - the city is over the horizon and yet Luna walks most of the way, only getting into a chariot when she's close enough to the mountain for Hannah to tell that they were walking around it instead of towards it? Again, why did she do that?

      It's all very childish, to be frank, especially that header at the top. "My name is Hannah but I'm not going to tell you my last name because I'm not allowed to tell people on the Internet my last name!" <-- IDGAS, to be honest. Just say "My name is Hannah"... or better yet say nothing at all; your story-self gives her name more than enough times in the actual story, I didn't need to waste four years of my life squinting at that tiny writing at the top only to read it again two minutes later.

      I rate this story 1/5. It's one of the - if not THE - worst pieces of fanfiction I've ever read, and I've read My Immortal. EqD, your pre-readers dropped a clanger with this one.

      On the positive side, I can sense a potential in this author, but only with advice can you hope to improve, and here is mine: I suggest reading up on story-telling techniques, lurking TVtropes for a while until you can come up with something coherant and waiting until you are mentally over the age of 11 before writing more.

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    39. For the most part, I like it.

      Though I can't imagine a reason why Luna's keeping Hannah collared and leashed, what with magic an all.

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    40. @Anonymous
      Honestly, I think it's mostly people just *shocked* that she says it's a self-insert right in the title.

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    41. @Anonymous

      Quite, and I don't quite understand why lampshading the marysue-ishness somehow turns dross into a star-4 story in people's eyes. If she'd called it anything but 'shameless self-insertion' this would not have been posted on EqD, it would have been torn to smithareens. I expected a parody of the genre when I read the title, but it plays it totally straight and is therefore in my eyes a VERY BAD story.

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    42. This falls very neatly into what I would call a Mary-Sue fiction. I don't mean that in a personal way, but the reactions Hannah/you have to the situations she is/you are presented with are rather preposterous. That, however, might be deliberate.

      I found the story rather amusing, because of how far-fetched it is. In essence, I view it as a Parody. If it is not, I apologise if I've caused any insult.

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    43. @Anon 6:40

      WHOA! Dude! Brony! Chill out okay? Love and Tolerance and all that!

      I think the purpose of this story is something along the lines of irony or parody. I mean really. I've read bad fanfiction myself but you're right, not so bad as this. That's 'cause it's TRYING to be bad. It's going for that whole 1960's Z-Sci-Fi "So bad it's hilarious" feel. For me anyway, it accomplished that.

      Did you not realize that when you read the title?

      Loosen up? MMkays? :)

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    44. Somehow I don't think people understand. The events are so utterly stupid and over the top that the fact that it is played totally straight IS the parody.

      Am I the only one that sees this?

      It's absolutely genius in its stupidity!
      Keep writing! I want to read more! It's so bad it's AWESOME.

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    45. @Anonymous

      Well... these comments are for reviews and comments and I'm not one to lie. I know that I want people to be honest with me with my own writings.

      I disagree that it's trying to be some kind of a parody. It has the desperate air of an idea which tried to run before it crawled, the spirit behind the title a mockery of something funny the author saw on Monty Python once.

      With 'so-bad-it's-good', generally there's an element of 'This sucks, but I can't look away!'. This story delves much deeper than that - it's so bad it's horrible. It sucks and I could look away and the only reason I read chapter two was a hope, a small smidgen of hope, that the quality I expect of EqD featured fanfics would present itself. I don't think it's bad as a kind of joke aimed at mocking mary sues - it's just a boring story about a mary sue. It's as much a parody as Robin Girl was a parody of canon defilement: not at all.

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    46. Blogger limits your post to 4096 characters. My post was 14753. So here's my workaround, in the form of pastebin: http://pastebin.com/WgKvpU6V

      My fancy HTML tags are now useless, sadly.

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    47. @Scootawho Oh my god there's a part 2 that I didn't even read.

      Dare I continue?

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    48. Okay, I tried reading part 2. I really did.

      But oh dear Celestia, is it bad. It is so bad.

      I couldn't finish it. I was honestly afraid that it would ruin MLP fanfiction for me if I tried.

      >mfw part 2: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PIi3Xvh5i14

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    49. Honestly, it doesn't seem bad enough to be trying for that so-bad-it's-good thing.

      It just seems bad.

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    50. It was alright, but extremely short. Obviously it's incomplete so I'm not referring to the story over all. I'm just saying the "parts" are 3 - 4 pages.

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    51. @Anonymous Look at the tags.

      It's complete.

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    52. I don't know, this seems to hit a bad middle ground: it's not written well enough to be played straight, but it's not written poorly enough to be a parody, either. I don't know which one you are going for, but judging by the name (and some of the better bits), it seems to me it's leaning towards parody. If that's the case, you already have a good start; try to make it “worse,” if that makes any sense.

      Also, on a technical note, the parts should be longer; 1 & 2 could easily be combined. For future parts (as I assume there will be more, despite the “complete” tag), I suggest coming up with at least 8-10 pages before posting.

      I hope this helps; I’d like to see this story continue, provided the errors are addressed. If you need any more tips/pointers, or if you need a proofreader, feel free to ask; I’d be more than happy to help.

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    53. The concept and viewpoint were kind of neat. I'm sad to see so many people rip this to shreds and some good potential wasted.

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