DISCORD IS DEFEATED, CELESTIA SAYS
By Joe Stevens
Discord, the mastermind behind the chaos and devastation that has engulfed Equestria, was defeated in a magic fight with Equestrian forces in Ponyville, Princess Celestia announced. In a late-night announcement in the East wing of the castle in Canterlot, the princess declared that “friendship has been done” as she disclosed that operatives under her command had finally cornered Discord, the leader of all-chaos. Equestrian officials said Discord resisted and was blasted with the magic of friendship. He was later encased in stone.
The news touched off an extraordinary outpouring of emotion as crowds gathered outside the castle, in Cloudsdale, and at Ponyville cheering and chanting “Equestria! Equestria!”
Details of the attack on the leader of all-chaos remain unclear, but Equestrian armed forces have revealed that the participants were members of an elite group of Mares Armed to Neutralize Enemies, or MANEs. Unreliable Sources have confirmed that this particular group of MANEs is known as the MANE Team 6, the veteran ponies responsible for the defeat of Nightmare Moon last year.
MANE Team 6 used the Elements of Harmony to defeat Discord and encase him in stone while he was making a very silly expression. This was done to prevent followers of Discord from building a statue with a better face on him, as it is believed no one would want to place flowers on a statue of Discord with him shrieking in terror at the magical beauty that struck him upon his defeat. However, many have raised concerns as being encased in stone is not in fitting with Discord’s religion. While Discord’s religious practices make absolutely no sense, experts have pointed out that the leader of all-chaos explicitly pointed out it was against his religion to be encased in stone, or to consort with badgers.
The attack has earned the ire of the nation of Jack and Stan, as it occurred on this nation’s soil without their leader’s permission. However, Jack and Stan is not a real nation. They are two ponies who got hit on the head too many times as colts and have no authority to create a nation inside Ponyville so no one really cares what they say.
While Princess Celestia will not disclose the names of Mane Team 6 nor the one who ultimately defeated Discord, the victory is an achievement for us all. Except those who really like chocolate milk.
TOM DEMANDS EQUAL RIGHTS FOR ROCKS
By Freddy Baxter
In a statement that has caused a great deal of controversy, Tom, a large rock uncovered from the maze in Princess Celestia’s gardens, has demanded that he be given the same rights and privileges as other citizens of Equestria. “For too long have rocks been under the hoof of Ponies. No longer! Rise up boulders, stones and pebbles, and claim what is rightfully ours!” Tom was quoted in a statement made outside the library in Ponyville.
Tom has demanded that rocks be allowed the right to names, no longer be used to make roads, and the end to the discriminatory practice of only using shiny gems in jewelry. “Stones and rocks of all colors,” Tom demanded, “Should be used for jewelry.”
The controversy comes not from Tom’s demands, which continue on to something about grapes and meatballs, but to how exactly a rock is able to voice a demand for equal protection under the law. “Maybe we’re just hearing things?” one pony suggested. “Perhaps he is a ghost trapped in the rock?” When one pony suggested that it was a zombie rock, the accusations got out of control and Tom’s impossibly-sounded voice was quickly drained out in the arguments over how exactly he was able to make his now deafened demands.
Speculation exists that Tom is merely a leftover remnant of chaos from Discord’s attack on Equestria, since no other rocks have come forward to echo Tom’s demands. Just in case, however, Equestrian officials have been interviewing trees and small bodies of water and asking them if they too would like equal rights. None have yet commented, though one tree did drop an acorn on an official’s head. This has yet to be interpreted but is most likely not a call for full democratic rights.
Tom went forth into a lake in an attempt to bring his smooth-stoned cousins to unite to his cause. He hasn’t been heard from since. The lake did not answer requests for comment. Again, no pony has any idea how Tom actually got into the lake and speculation has become very annoying so we’re just going to blame it on Discord. That and the broken glass in Celestia’s castle. Yeah. Totally Discord. Not our fault at all.
(EI Muckraker Section)
BUFFALO BALLERINA ACCUSED OF SUBSTANCE ABUSE
The ballet dancing buffalo troupe has suffered another devastating setback to their normally stellar reputation as the premier ballet dancers in Equestria. It seems their lead dancer has been found using an illegal substance. For means of privacy, the accused buffalo’s name has been withheld.
“You don’t understand the pressure we’re under,” the substance-using buffalo stated, “We have to do a flying leap and twirls with absolute precision. And they want us to keep our weight under two tons. It’s not healthy!”
Saturday’s performance of the ballerina buffalos has been cancelled and it remains unclear if this storied institution will be able to recover. After last month’s incident where a buffalo ballerina was arrested for assault when a griffon insulted his tutu, it is possible this will be this controversial season will be the last for the ballet dancing buffalos.
CHOCOLATE MILK PRICES SOAR
After Discord made chocolate milk rain from the sky, the price of chocolate milk reached an all-time low. Ponies discarded their normal stores of chocolate milk and rejoiced as the price literally went to zero for the first time in recorded history. Now that Discord is defeated, chocolate milk has become scarcer than ever and prices are at record levels. The cotton candy clouds have left and there is no sign of their immediate return, despite Pinkie Pie’s repeated attempts at making a chocolate milk rain dance. It worked once but that was just Rainbow Dash dropping a glass on her head for a laugh.
Princess Celestia has not commented on whether she will attempt to lower prices by releasing chocolate milk from the strategic chocolate milk reserves.
Stories Written by You!
GREAT AND POWERFUL DISAPPOINTMENT
Several nights ago I was fortunate enough to receive two tickets to The Great and Powerful Privately Exclusive Live Show Extravaganza, held at the Canterlot Hall of Performing Arts. While at first my partner and I were excited to be attending such a prestigious performance, my joy turned to horror within the first ten minutes of the curtain raising.
A fanfare of trumpets and fireworks announced the beginning of the show and the audience leaned forward in anticipation. Only to draw back as one side of the curtain caught fire through excessive use of pyrotechnics. It was extinguished by a quick thinking unicorn in the audience. The earliest dilemma of many averted, our illustrious host made her appearance.Bursting onto the stage in a puff of smoke, the “Great and Powerful” Trixie kicked off the production with yet more indoor fireworks and a heartfelt introduction of her past exploits, including her defense of Ponyville from a ferocious Ursa Minor, her accomplished banishment of wicked Gilda the griffon, and her exploits pertaining to the parasprite infestations over Ponyville and Fillydelphia.
After receiving a less than anticipated amount of applause for her monologue, the show continued in an unbearably over-staged fashion, Trixie utilizing props and equipment designed to give off flashy visual effects when magic is applied. Some of the younger audience members got a kick out of it, but the more adult crowd, having been exposed to such publicity and impressive reviews, was quite disappointed.
As the performance progressed, Trixie became more and more disgruntled with the lack of applause. With no warning, Trixie seemingly abandoned her script and began berating specific members of the audience in an angry stupor, unfortunately bringing out the worst in some ponies, who were promptly escorted from the building by security before they were able to seriously injure the performing unicorn. Then, tiring of simply insulting the ponies of the audience, Trixie took up inviting them up on stage and challenging them to feats of magic and athletics.
This actually lead to quite an amusing performance. Trixie turned one pony into a zebra, performed a dance with another purple earth pony (cutie mark – A Bunch of Grapes and a Strawberry, please assist police in identification), and a half-hearted duel with a unicorn stallion. The stallion put an end to the night’s activities by putting Trixie to sleep before she could hurt anypony and allowing the stagehooves to drag her off stage.
All in all, the night did not turn out as badly as I had originally thought, though I do not think I will buy into hype quite as easily as I once did. If I were to come across another ticket to this particular unicorn’s show again, I believe I would seize the opportunity; although the night did not go as planned, I think not a single one of this pony’s shows would be the same as the last. I eagerly await her release from the Canterlot Penitentiary and subsequent renewed performances.
SCROLL-AIDS CURES LETTER BURN FAST!
Too many letters coming in? The fiery roaring and magical summoning of a scroll making your dragon’s stomach ache? Use Scroll-Aids! Scroll-Aid tablets are fast-acting and can cure the fiery indigestion of even the longest correspondence. Never get your dragon down again! Side effects include blurry vision and uncontrolled British accent syndrome. Keep out of use of owls.