• Story: Night's Favored Child (Update Part 13!)

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    Author: Municipal Engines, Assisted By LordOfTheWrongs
    Description: For almost a thousand years, the immortal Nightmare Moon has reigned over Equestria as Empress. To the average pony, Nightmare Moon is an overarching enigma whose rule is absolute and whose wrath is terrible. But to Twilight Sparkle, who as an orphan has never known her parents, the Empress is something else entirely. When the young unicorn is brought under the royal wing as an apprentice, she learns a great deal more about the supposed tyrant than she ever knew. But as Twilight is introduced to life with her new mentor, she is thrust into a world of political intrigue, conspiracies and secrets. Secrets that were never meant to be revealed. As allies and enemies plot against the very peace of the nation, will Twilight fall prey to the perils of her new position? Or will she prosper and find in Nightmare Moon the mother she never had?
    Night's Favored Child (New Part 13!)

    Additional Tags: Long, Family, Relationship, Conspiracies, Betrayal

    293 comments:

    1. First,

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

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    2. Woah... that's a pretty unique concept.

      *reads*

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    3. I've suddenly impulsively decided to predict the star rating based on the description. That was a 6-star description. Now I'm going to read the actual story. :P

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    4. It says chapter 1 is "Not Found". fix plz?

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    5. The link to the prologue works, but the like to chapter one doesn't.

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    6. Herpaderp Cereal, link to chap1 is broken. Though it looks like the document was actually deleted.

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    7. Oh Cereal you, have you derped chapter 1? Or has the author derped it? Or have you BOTH DERPED IT!? :O Maybe it's a derp within a derp...

      Anyways, I'd actually like to read this one, which is a first in like... 3 months. Mildly said, I get enough reading out of my reviewing.

      Fix the first chapter, EqD ;)

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    8. Sweet sisters in the sky. For the first time since "Past Sins" and "Fallout: Equestria" has a story interested me so much by just the description. This is such a unique idea and concept, and it sounds absolutely delicious. (haha)

      I've read just the prologue, and already, I'm getting chills. Your writing style is just fantastic. Something about it isn't like anything else I've ever read, and I don't know what, but it's enthralling and delightful.

      I can't wait to see where this story goes. I know I'll be faithfully reading this story, and that's saying a lot, because there's not a lot of stories I'm willing to do that with.

      Please, continue this! It's fantastic!

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    9. Derpy derpy link
      for chapter 1
      ...
      Dang it, I wanna read!

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    10. *reads prologue* ooh......

      *looks at chapter one* ....
      please fix it, please.

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    11. Ughh...Twilight isn't an orphan?
      Or am i reading it wrong?

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    12. Wait dont we see twilights parents in ep25.....

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    13. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    14. Damn it Cereal

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    15. @Mr.Brony read the prologue

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    16. @Mr.Brony It's an alternate universe kind of deal.

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    17. The prologue makes the description of NmM seem reasonable... How is she not evil?

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    18. please fix Chapter 1's link ,want to read it soooo baaad. ;_;

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    19. lol sheesh, what part of " For almost a thousand years, the immortal Nightmare Moon has reigned over Equestria" don't you people get? :P

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    20. Hmm seems intersting. Alt universe where Luna/Nightmare Moon won and Celestia ether couldnt' find hte eliments of harmony or couldn't use them porperly.

      Thing is even in a world of magic such as thy live in... how would Nightmare Moon keep the world alive without enugh heat?

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    21. So this is kinda a role reversal to past sins, eh? :)

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    22. Chapter One doesn't show. Is that my fault? I double-checked the link I sent. Apparently the pic I sent with it was also lost in the mail, ah well. Maybe I can ask them to change that later.

      @ Mr. Brony: It's an alternate universe type thing. In this she's an orphan.

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    23. @Jason Canty

      If you're a godess, creating plants that can grow without direct sunlight probably isn't a very big deal.

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    24. I would enjoy reading the first chapter but alas...

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    25. Wow, I've just realized how bad my writing is...

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    26. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HSSLvGv800CvgJ-AgCegPptcHROQNKt5JxALygSWy4s/edit?hl=en_GB


      Does it work for all of you?

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    27. I enjoyed the parts that have been released so far and I look forward to the continuation.

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    28. @Municiple Engines

      That links works just fine. Use that one if you guys want to read chapter one

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    29. Good good.

      I'm not too happy with how Chapter One came out though. I didn't really want to use the plot device and I don't think I was accurate enough with Nightmare Moon's character. Feel free to give constructive criticism so I can edit it in the future.

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    30. The description almost makes me regret my vow never to start reading an unfinished fic again!

      Will be watching updates and comments with interest... waiting for that all-important COMPLETE tag.

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    31. Great start. Can't wait for more. I am wondering how Twilight will meet the other Mane 6, if this story is following the story with the main difference being Nightmare Moon. Will she get sent to Ponyville in an attempt to stop (or assist?) Celestia when she escapes at the Eclipse Festival.

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    32. @wanderhoof: Sadly, I think, you'll be waiting quite some time. I'm not very quick on updates and I'll be starting college soon enough. Sorry.

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    33. I enjoyed the first two parts of the story. The only problem I'm having with it though is if it has been dark for 1000 years then why isn't everything dead? Might be to early in the story and it might be explained though.

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    34. Here's chapter one guys: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HSSLvGv800CvgJ-AgCegPptcHROQNKt5JxALygSWy4s/edit?hl=en_GB

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    35. @Municipal Engines

      Well, alright. I already have my hands full with 10+ chapters of fiction to review, but I don't mind noting any issues I may have with the story as I read.

      You will get as you wish.

      I can say this though: this NMM will not be the same as the NMM in the show. Why? Because she has been in control for a thousand years, obviously that will affect her as a character and also affect her intellect.

      So, as long as NMM of this story remains NMM of this story, there should be no issues ;)

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    36. @Municipal Engines

      yay, thank you.

      excellent reading so far. who needs Celestia of the Silly Hair anyway :P

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    37. @Municipal Engines
      The story looks quite interesting, but I'm noticing a lot of mechanical errors; I'd advise you to find a copyeditor. I'd offer, but I'm already copyediting another fanfic and have my own fall semester starting tomorrow.

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    38. @Municipal Engines

      Personally, I'm liking the use of the plot device. I think it goes very well even weith NMM. And like others have said before me. Obviously she'd have a different personality than in the show, as she won out over Celestia, and got her eternal night. I think it's a very accurate portrayal of her in this case. Hope to see more soon!

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    39. I like i can't wait for more

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    40. Interesting premise. The obvious underlaying plot about somepony learning to be nice is a given, but the journey there is the real story, is it not?

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    41. i liked it, although, i felt that NMM was too warm in her outward rections. but that might just be a personal preffect. i cant wait to read the next chapter

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    42. @benjamin
      Well the story did say quite literally she'd kinda softened over the years (in regards to the palace staff), so it doesn't really surprise me.

      Overall, nice read, I'd love to see how this turns out, for both Nightmare Moon and Twilight.

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    43. @Municipal Engines Well, I don't think it's really possible to be inaccurate with her character, given that we don't know much about her other than 'wants the night to last forever'.

      The bit about NMM no longer caring about ponies bowing for her gave me an idea for a fic where she isn't a crazed tyrant; once she gets her eternal night, she's happy with that and doesn't feel the need to be a massive jerk to the Equestrian citizens or anything like that.

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    44. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    45. The premise is an interesting take on an alternate reality storyline- a very dark one at that. Thinking about how Episodes 1 and 2 would pan out in this reality makes for a very fascinating scenario- one that could easily see Twilight become a force of corruption after years of being raised by NMM. The society of this setting seems formulated almost on the premise of the Drow from Forgotten Realms- warped and twisted by a thousand years of night.

      Very well written- would love to read more!

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    46. This has a very promising beginning! I really like how the story is different but parallel to the original. Also, I can't wait to see the other filly mane six.

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    47. Ch. 1 link derped.

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    48. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1HSSLvGv800CvgJ-AgCegPptcHROQNKt5JxALygSWy4s/edit?hl=en_GB

      Try this, Anon.

      I hope Cereal will fix it soon.

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    49. A What if...? Story that replaces Princess Celestia with Empress Nightmare Moon?

      ME GUSTA

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    50. NMM as Twilight's Mom?

      This is like...Past Sins....only in REVERSE!

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    51. FireFox crashed as I was posting this, so here is take two. *Ahem* I am still waiting for a full-on roll reversal with the Princesses, with Celestia becoming Daymare Sun (only with a better name), and Luna presiding over both Day and Night for 1000 years. That said, this looks like it could be the next best thing.

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    52. Nice! I can't wait to see what happens next! Are you going to go through several years of life together or a time-skip?
      I'm hoping for the formative years approach, it would be nice to see how NMM softens up to Twilight!

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    53. The prose is a little workmanlike, but I'm really excited by what I've seen so far in terms of plot and characterization.

      Also, that's one of the best summaries I've ever read.

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    54. Wahoo! Chapter One link is fixed!

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    55. ♫♥I look forward to reading what happens next in your story♥♪

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    56. My opinion is split so far.

      From the description of the story, it seems to want to paint Nightmare Moon in a brighter light eventually. So far though, Im not sure how it's going to be done. Two chapters in and not only has she killed Twilight's parents, but she's the poster child for brutal monarchy. Or I guess dictatorship would be more accurate. Not the sort of things that easily lends to a likeable Nightmare Moon.

      The first chapter is basically a carbon copy of the canon series in regard to Twilight, it took effort try not to skim past things.

      I'll give it a few more chapters. On a side note, I have to wonder why everyone makes a big deal out of eternal night. Magical talking pony setting, Im sure if NMM wanted she could grow plants with moonlight or something.

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    57. @Anonymous

      I'm pretty sure that in the show Celestia and Luna aren't goddesses, just ponies that combine all of the three breeds traits. I don't think they can just engineer plants whenever they want.

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    58. I'll be keeping my eyes on this story.

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    59. This is something i will keep my eyes on

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    60. mmmm buen inicio, gracias por su obra, espero que salga pronto las siguientes XD

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    61. So this is just a flip-flopped version of the show. Interesting. Will watch out for more.

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    62. @MissingTheMoon

      Oh it's much more than that, you'll see.

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    63. Very nice i'm really looking forward to seeing how Nightmare Moon handles being not only a teacher but a parent as well. You didn't give much attention to Spike is he going to play a part in this story at all?

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    64. @Anonymous

      Yes, Spike will appear later, but he's a very clueless infant right now, and Twilight's still young. She can't be expected to raise the dragon at her age while trying to study, can she? ;)

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    65. This is absolutely fantastic! I eagerly await more writing.

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    66. Wow this has great potential to turn into one heck of a alt-universe story. I can wait to see the further installments! :3
      I'm a bit curious about whether your going to send her to Ponyville and how that will play out in NMM's world.

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    67. Cute concept, although not the first after all. You've started it much earlier, which is interesting. I like it.

      2 things I thought up: I'm sure NMM would at minimum ask the orphanarium's warden where the kid and name came from.

      And secondly, she'd probably also look into the rainboom probably much more closely than Celestia might've and maybe even "recruit" RD as well...or maybe just keep a close eye on her. I dunno. That's my opinion.

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    68. I'm liking the concept thus far, but it's still to early for me to decide what I would rate this as. Like I say good concept, and the prologue was good, but with chapter 1 just being an inverted telling of Twilight's cutie mark story... well it's not really fair to judge yet.

      But I'm definitely keeping an eye on this one.

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    69. Need to see a few more chapters to know how this is going but its pretty good so far. concepts certainly interesting.

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    70. Potential building. BUILDING. Let's see if this turns out good or bad. Chapter 2 will be a real defining for this.

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    71. This sounds interesting, and I'm intrigued so far, but I have a few suggestions regarding your writing style. My main problem is that you're doing an awful lot of telling.

      Before you infodump -- for example, the aside explaining the Blackcloaks -- you should consider whether you could imply that information through dialogue and action instead. That particular segment wasn't really necessary, since the Blackcloaks show up very shortly and we can easily get the Waffen SS vibe from them at that point. Inquisitor's lack of deference toward NMM clearly indicates his rank without saying so out loud.

      Similarly, it's better to display personalities and such with a vignette rather than just tell about it. Instead of telling us how bookish and socially awkward Twilight is, it would be more fun to read a scene that shows it off. Consider the pilot of FiM, where Twilight gets invited to Moondancer's party. It's a short scene, but it exposes Twi's personality very effectively. The Annual Eclipse was good, but I'd have liked to "zoom in" a little on Twilight and join in her excitement as she makes her escape and experiences the wonders of the eclipse festival. Imagine you were making a movie of this fic -- what scenes would you use to show all the things you're narrating to us? I want you to make me see the world through Twilight's eyes.

      The same goes for the paragraph about Twilight's efforts to get enrolled in the Academy. You're already sketching a scene or series of scenes, why not flesh those out? So far, Miss Loch is pretty much just a name on a page. I have no sense of her personality or voice, and I get the feeling this might be her only chance for Twi's mother figure to get some "screen time".

      Since this is an alternate version of a character we're already familiar with, those scenes would also be a great time to demonstrate any alterations. Does Twilight sense her lack of parents as a hole in her life that she struggles to fill, or has she grown independent because there's nobody she can rely on? How does that affect her behavior? Is she obedient, rebellious, mischievous? Has she developed any talents we aren't otherwise familiar with? Does she have anyone she would call friend, or is she already totally isolated?

      I feel like we didn't really get to know Twilight before her Call to Adventure. To take a popular example, Harry Potter dedicated an entire chapter to his crap life at Privet Drive, and another to his uncle's attempts to dodge anything to do with the magical world. We didn't even meet Hagrid until chapter 4. I'm not saying you need to wait that long, but you kind of act like you want to get this stuff out of the way as fast as possible when it's our first chance to see how dramatically changed Equestria is. I'd say her cutie mark story should have been chapter 3 or so.

      I wasn't too happy that the academy scene was pretty much exactly as shown in Chronicles. It makes it feel like growing up in an orphanage under NMM's reign hasn't altered her at all. I'd have like to see one or two major divergences. Also, the infodump about Inquisitor could have been dialogue-ified by making it a walk-and-talk scene with an advisor (or Inquisitor himself), as well as showing us how much NMM has mellowed out.

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    72. @LordOfTheWrongs

      You've given me a great deal to think about. You're right when you say that I wanted to get this stuff out of the way as fast as possible. When I look at it, it actually sounds like a neat idea to shuffle the chapters around and make this one a later chapter with one or two beforehand observing Twilight's life as an orphan under eternal night.

      I'll try to do more showing and less infodumping - something which I've never been all too good at. I'll also agree with you with another thing; I wasn't happy with the academy scene either. I felt that it was an important scene in her history and apprenticeship, but I'll try to change it up somehow.

      Thanks for your input, it's really appreciated. I'll make a list of what needs to be done and I'll see to it that the story's changed for the better.

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    73. @Municipal Engines
      Thanks, and good luck! Better to think about rewrites now than 5 or 6 chapters in, right? :)

      This is a fascinating concept, and I really want to see it up there with Past Sins and Fallout and Dangerous Business. I can edit for you, if you're so inclined.

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    74. A quick thought that just occurred to me -- an alternative to the exam going differently would be to just skip Twilight's side of the story entirely and stick to NMM's perspective. When the rainboom goes off and Spike goes through the roof, we all know what just happened, so it comes off as a sly wink rather than copy-and-paste.

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    75. That's actually a good idea. Lol, at this rate, you'll be writing the story as my muse.

      Thanks in spades.

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    76. @Municipal Engines
      Heh, I don't mind that at--
      OH MY GOD I GOT MY CUTIE MARK! ;)

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    77. I have to say that the idea for this story is really interesting. I will be waiting for further chapters with a great deal of interest. Nightmare Moon is probably in for a world of trouble and hilarity.

      And as for those that have been asking about how plant life could grow without the sun, well, it is possible. There are species of plants that actually DO NOT use photosynthesis.

      These are the plants you find at the bottom of the ocean, so far under the water that sunlight can't reach them. They instead rely on chemosynthesis, where they take what I believe are potentially toxic chemicals that are blasted out of the earth's crust on the ocean floor and turn that into food.

      If Nightmare Moon wanted to sustain her world of night, she'd have to have altered the agricultural fields to work like that. It might require major magical power, but it would be a simple matter of converting some of the food-growing crops and breeding those.

      I mean, there would still be the other forms of plant life to deal with, but that would take care of food I suppose.

      Oh, and I while I don't think it really came up as an issue in the story, I would like to just say that you might want to look into the differences between using a solar and lunar calendar. They would definitely be using a lunar calendar and that would change how the passage of time is marked.

      And as a bit of trivia, and perhaps something for Nightmare Moon to gloat over, lunar calendars have been in use far longer than solar ones.

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    78. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing this flesh out. You have a dynamite idea here, mate, please don't ruin it.
      Most of my concerns have already been listed above. Nothing new in regards to input from me. Best of luck, and all Glory to the New Lunar Republic

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    79. Alright, finally got around to reading this one. REALLY excited for this idea, even more so after actually reading it. Looking forward to updates. :D

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    80. @LordOfTheWrongs

      If you'd be okay with it, I'd like for you to be an editor for this story. Unfortunately, I can't actually send you a PM or email so if you happen to see this before I send the next chapter out, talk to me if you want the rough copy to edit.

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    81. Extremely excited on reading more about this story. I don't think there is another fic I've run across where the story is written with the villain as the central figure- particularly in that the villain wins. It's a very rare and unique thing to have the villain as the protagonist, and it's refreshing- especially for a guy who likes to root for the Dark side. ;)

      Keep it going!

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    82. @Municipal Engines
      Speak of which, Municipal, did you get the email I sent you?

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    83. So... is this going to continue? It's been nearly a month :-\

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    84. It's at 4.8 now, but if (when) this is continued there's a damn good chance it could get to 6-star status.

      @Nyerguds Am I not the only one finding this fic again through the new archive thing? :D

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    85. @Derpmind Doh, there's a time stamp. The answer is no. Derp.

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    86. @Derpmind
      Well, I was just going through the story archives to see which stories I used to follow... and noticed this one. I really, really like the setup on this. It'd be a shame if it wouldn't continue.

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    87. Hey, folks. A quick update -- Municipal sent me the revised chapter 1 for editing this evening. So, yay!

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    88. *Pokes story with a stick*

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    89. @starcat5
      I don't know if Muni wants me to keep you updated, but I guess I will unless he tells me to stop.

      Chapter 1 Revised is currently undergoing post-editing revisions. I assume there will be another round of editing after that. Don't worry, work IS proceeding.

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    90. Yes, LOTW is correct. It's kinda long, with an extra 2000 words being added to this new version. Unfortunately, I have tons of College work to do this weekend, so the earliest I will be able to get it finished is either Sunday or Monday. The latest will be mid-next week. I can promise ya'll three things:

      The scene with Twilight's exam is gone. No need to repeat what we already no.

      A deeper look into her past and her life at the orphanage.

      Cameos.

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    91. I meant "know", not "no". Rookie error.

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    92. @Municipal Engines
      "Know need to repeat what we already no"?
      *trollface*

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    93. One last update on the progress of the story before the chapters actually go up. I've completed the changes to Chapter One, which has now become so large that it's split into two chapters. So yay, I guess.

      Took me a whole night to do as well, but the results are hopefully worth it. I'll hopefully be quicker with the updates in the future, but that's a maybe. Busy busy busy.

      I'm also hoping to change the picture up top. Just doesn't really suit the story, and I've got my eyes set on a particular image that just about sums up one of the bigger themes of the story.

      Other than that, I'm both hoping and dreading for possible future fan art. It's that point at which I'll know just how popular this gets. If it's a really good piece of fan art, I'll use it as the cover image. I do kinda have a preferred image for the cover in my mind, but since I have no drawing skills and no cash to pay for a DA commission from one of the brony artists, I'll have to say that it's an unlikely prospect.

      Damn my broke-arse humanities-studying hide. I wish I was good at art.

      Or that I have a tablet.

      Anyway, I'm running my mouth (or fingers, I guess) here so I'll just say one more thing:

      Thanks for coming everypony, it's gonna be a fun ride.

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    94. 's 4.9 stars.

      STAR SIX THIS, NAO

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    95. Yay! Updates, updates updates updaaaaates!

      Can't wait for chapter 3, I've been waiting for an eternity for ch. 2!

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    96. I'm glad you went back to cover her life at the orphanage. Orion seems rather adept at sneaking around. Were his parents rebels? Could see him being a part of some rebel group when he grows up. And of course, Twilight's going to be the personal protege of the mare he'd be working to bring down if he did. Dramaaa~

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    97. I liked it before the revision.

      but now i love it.

      really cool how you worked the parents of some characters into this.

      Wonder how Twilight will get the attention of NNM

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    98. *prepares to edit ch. 2*
      *sees ch. 2 posted*
      Oh dear... somepony done derped.

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    99. I can't download Chapter 2 as PDF, because it's a publication of the document rather than the document itself. Can that be fixed please? :(

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    100. Sorry about that, it should be fixed now.

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    101. "We're sorry. This document is not published."

      so please try again? :)

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    102. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    103. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vkEeGti2Ut13SOmtqZcQIFI_PtIckGY1C8uO7Wcxzco/edit?hl=en_GB

      Should be the right link.

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    104. @Municipal Engines

      Could a board mod edit that particular link into the story post, rather than the first Chapter Two link?

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    105. When I try for chapter two, I keep getting this "We're sorry. This document is not published."... can you fix this up soon?

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    106. Yes, please! We wanna read teh story!

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    107. Worth every day of wait. More, more, more!

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    108. Yea, also getting a 'document is not published' error.

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    109. The link is incorrect. The ID is right, but the link isn't. It should be

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vkEeGti2Ut13SOmtqZcQIFI_PtIckGY1C8uO7Wcxzco/edit?hl=en_GB

      Looks like the title in the doc itself somehow still says "Chapter One" though :p

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    110. Yes! It updated! I'm really looking forward to seeing how this thing fleshes out. Intriguing concept, and I really hope you do it well.

      *Reads chapter 2*

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    111. IMO chapter 1 needs the (New) tag too, seeing as it's completely rewritten...

      It's kinda less cool now, without the parts of NMM acting as an actual person, but I hope that'll come back soon :)

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    112. Chapter 2's derpin' now. Getting a "We're sorry, this chapter is not published" error over on my end.

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    113. The link to to chapter 2 in broken. Error reads "We're sorry. This document is not published"

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    114. I read this before the revision and now that i've read it afterwards I have to say I enjoyed it even more.

      I'm really like Twilights characterisation and i'm a bit intrigued by orion.
      I love the concept behind everything I think its a really interesting twist on things and i'm certainly going to follow this.
      Nightmare Moon could use a few more normal stories too.

      pity chapter 2 was in edit mode and people ruined it, i'm stuck waiting now.

      *goes of to banish them to the moon*

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    115. *sees new picture*

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SegvNkWgoOY !

      Sorry that pic needs to be burned in a fire.
      It does fit the theme well with the role reversal but dang I'll miss the regal looking pic of Luna on the balcony you had for this. Matched her attitude. This new one is all http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g5HcsoDB_qQ eww

      Sorry but I don't dig Past Sins pics.

      Anyways enough of my own tastes. I was actually wondering about this pic yesterday so yay going to dive into this new chapter once I make check on the rest of the updates on EqD.

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    116. @Cátsy

      It's supposed to be a Past Sins pic? I thought it was just NMM and Twilight being friendly.

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    117. I.. really don't liked the new version of chapter one... I understand the need to better establish Twilight as a socially awkward yet very intelligent filly, but the way you delivered was so... meh, I mean, the bullies is my main concern, why? Because I've seen that same story so many times (bully f..ks with protagonist, incriminates him/her for something he/she didn't do, protagonist don't say a word to anyone because he/she doesn't want to be a tale-teller/ is being threatened or both, and get in trouble because of it) and I find it so annoying, since in the end it because of the stupidity of the protagonist that this happens.

      So yeah, that made me lost interest (and I was really looking forward to this story!), so after Twilight was grounded because of that, I just closed it, because I can already predict that she will escape, see the lunar eclipse, then get in more trouble, blah blah blah, and them we will be back to the good part with Nightmare, so yeah, as soon as I feel like reading this again (maybe tonight) I will finish chapter one and go read chapter two.

      I know this sounded like a hate review, but that bully thing is so cliche (and since back in my day I knew how to deal with those assholes in a way that avoided me lots of trouble), I just cant enjoy it... But I as I said, I will keep going on reading it, since the original draft, and the concept itself got me really hooked!

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    118. @Cátsy
      If it were Past Sins, Nyx wouldn't have a cutie mark...

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    119. Still can't see the fic! What's going on, author?

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    120. M.E. already posted the correct link for the 2nd chapter of the fic earlier:

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vkEeGti2Ut13SOmtqZcQIFI_PtIckGY1C8uO7Wcxzco/edit?hl=en_GB

      It hasn't been edited in the main post yet, but that should work.

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    121. What's up with the chapter two link? "Document has not been published"? What the hell does that mean!?

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    122. New chapter! I love this fic already! But its broken...

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    123. I can't read the new chap, it keep saying error!

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    124. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vkEeGti2Ut13SOmtqZcQIFI_PtIckGY1C8uO7Wcxzco/edit?hl=en_GB


      I'm sorry for the error. Still waiting for one of the mods to replace the link.

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    125. Note also, new folks, that chapter 1 has been completely revised.

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    126. If I recall correctly, the pic in question was done as a commission by MadMax. He did the pic in two flavors: Nyx (sans cutie mark), and NMM (with cutie mark); therefore, this pic is perfectly apropos to this story. No need to let the hatedom some other author garnered influence your use of tangentially related material when it fits your needs.

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    127. I've put links to adjacent chapters in the docs, so you can find the next chapter without having to traipse through the comments to find the new link.

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    128. Hmmm, must admit I kinda was disappointed at first. I was looking forward to some interaction between Twilight and NMM but very quickly realize this story has been revised to the point of almost being a rewrite. After that initial disappointment I truly enjoyed the revised story though.

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    129. @iastfan112

      Don't worry, the interaction between NMM and Twilight will come soon enough. I'm just fleshing out the story.

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    130. Chapter 2 shows up as 'not published'

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    131. Same here
      "Chapter 2 shows up as 'not published'".

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    132. https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vkEeGti2Ut13SOmtqZcQIFI_PtIckGY1C8uO7Wcxzco/edit?hl=en_GB

      The link is also in the previous chapter.

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    133. And the EqD Crew have fixed it. Thanks guys! You deserve something special.

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    134. Municipal Engines, did you do a rewrite because i read the originals and am just curious so yeah xD.
      PS Cool Story!

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    135. HHHHHmmmmm.... The writing skill is strrrooonnggg with this one.....

      A powerful amazing story, this shall become....

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    136. @LordOfTheWrongs:
      Well, I can only hope that it's ok to derp on people's genders over the internet...

      @Municipal Engines:
      Liking the rewrite so far!

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    137. @LordOfTheWrongs

      more then have the fanarts ignored that tidbit, just a funfact for ya ;3

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    138. @Bugsydor

      There is no 'hatedom' just 'disappoints' really and am reminded of it every time I see the fanarts.

      I never said I disliked Past Sins and I have read it all the way through, I have posted there before plenty of times. I just know the fic could of been more intriguing if SOME people didn't harp on the poor guy about OOCOMGHAXYOUSUCKDIECELESTIAISOOCQQ! gibberish.

      This fic I have enjoyed very much since it's prologue debuted and since been enjoying it's development. Please keep assumptions of 'hatedom' to inner thoughts.

      Penstroke did a great job on his story and I for one was one of the ONLY few that defended his POV and respected his work.

      Some how the NOTION of Nyx oc being 'Dispelled' was too GRIMDARK a thought for most those out there, and god forbid Celestia mover of the SUN should be defeated by an OC without her holding back. *eye roll*

      You guys practically hounded him day in and day out till your demands were met and I HOPE you all don't attempt to do this sort of thing again, because you should all respect an Author's creative POV when you comment, as in let them know your thoughts on the story without sliping in insults and demands for changes to suit ones G rated POV without even knowing what's floating inside the author's planning down the road.

      -THAT ALL SAID-

      I enjoyed Past Sins, cheesy or otherwise, and it was a nice emotional story, even with the constant self pity lines every other sentence/scene. Past Sins is a great story.

      *ahem* now if you'll excuse me I am going to see if chapter two's link is working now which seems like it should be.


      P.S. Don't try and make this your Past Sins and give the author any grief if he doesn't listen to your ideas or so help me I'll go Pinkamina on your flanks >:[

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    139. @Cátsy half the fanartists* curse this onscreen keyboard..

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    140. @Catsy:
      I appologize for mistaking you for a denizen of the Past Sins hatedom. I guess I'm a bit ticked off from when a couple of guys whined about it in one of Pen Stroke's new fics.

      I am terrible with names, but maybe you'll remember me. I was the guy who set up its trope page, was with it since the beginning, nommed popcorn whilst hamming it up in our philosophical debates, and defended Pen's decisions on how the story should go. I was also among those who argued in the comments that Celly's actions in the original ch10 were in character; however, I also believe that each set of revisions to the story greatly improved it (although ch10 did lose a lot of its original emotional punch until its latest incarnation). Please do not lump me with those pitiful foals who thought that they could write it better. Critiques are ok as long as they are courteous, but whining is a privelege that should be restricted to Lady Rarity.

      Now that I'm done defending my honor, back on topic!

      Just finished Ch2, and I am loving the rewrite. I particularly approve of the added emphasis on Twilight's character and her relationships to the other ponies at the orphanage. I was intrigued by this story enough the first time I saw it on EqD to shove it into my "Read it NAO" pile immediately whenever it would crop up, but now I'm thinking this story might well have what it takes to get 6-starred if the author keeps this up.

      Although I do approve of an author who can go back and improve his work should he find it lacking, please don't let your critics make you turn your story into something you hate. Please, for the love of Lauren Faust and Luna, remember that this is your story, you're a good writer, and that haters can be ignored if they don't have a good point.

      I'm going to be watching this fic like a griffon. Heck maybe I'll set up its trope page once it gets a few more chapters. I am eagerly awaiting Twilight's eventual adoption by Nightmare Moon. Just curious but are you still planning on using a redone version of Twi's canon cutiemark story to introduce the two of them to eachother, or do you have grander plans in mind?

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    141. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    142. As for the mess around that image, you might want to check out the original DeviantArt page for it. The description should explain quite a bit. It was a request, supposed to be Nyx, but madmax apparently hadn't read the fic, and didn't know about Nyx not having Luna's cutie mark.

      As the description there says though, "...so you can choose if she's nyx or nightmare moon."

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    143. Was pretty thrown back a bit on how big the changes were and all the new OC's added. I have to admit chapter 2's scene with Bea'Trix' was very d'aww. Good to see the story didn't lose any cool moments that the original had so I'll assume the school part and the scene with the Matron is still around some where. Only now an extra scene with Twilight and Orion is to be expected then I suppose.

      Beatrix that's cute because it's ironic another story hinted at her original name starting with a B! lol

      I liked the extended scene of the LEF. It made me get back into the story again and after re-reading that scene that was in the original for the most part I am once again hopeful that this story will proceed nicely from here on forward.

      I was almost going to say how slow the story was getting but then the story actually started to grow on me again. Great work on chapter 2, ch.1 had it's cute moments too. Still hoping to see more of the stuff that was in the original and into the story the Prologue setup the story for.

      *bites lip* I hope it doesn't take till chapter 4 to catch up to the original story that would be too suspenseful :P (being how long we've waited for an update! least me anyways.)

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    144. @Bugsydor as if I could forget you :P
      we've talked before a bit back when I was but all too lazy to make an account. Never did really accept the fact I posted enough in EqD to justify one :P

      And I don't think I've mentioned anything about Penstrokes new stories (far as I know he's made a comedy with Luna and Celestia about Moonshine that I'll check out once my queued fics get read)

      I apologize if the SOME people implied you as one of them, it's hard to keep up with all the whining about all the scenes that made the story so awesome.

      It's like you get emotionally enthralled in something and then you get something like Of Mares and Magic epilogue! it just sucks hen you just drastically change the flow or overall direction of a story like what happened.

      At least here the author long since voiced his dislike of how short and fast pace the story was going least as far as Twilight's time in the orphanage was. And while chapter one with the typical bullied nerd meets some pony to play off her emotions.
      It was overall a good revision, even if it wasn't what I was expecting (revisions yes, a complete restart and having to wait for what happens now after she moved in with NNM, well THAT I didn't expect).

      So yeah at least there is still signs that the key moments I remembered are still there, story was just stuffed with more players. And it looks better planned out and the OC Orion plays well in the story with possible future return.

      I still wonder if destiny will repeat itself some how and if the other 5 will make an appearance in the story. What will Twilight do when she finds out the secrets of he mentors past? what of her parents fate? What role will Orion play in this story if he makes a returns as implied in the fortune telling? If it came down to a confrontation with Celestia and NMM with all secrets revealed... who will Twilight side with then?

      These are my questions among many, like the origins of where that leader of NMM's special ops and what role he'll play later on. es all that and more I have likely yet to see is why I like the promise this story holds.

      Love the descriptions for NMM as he tries not to let the audience think of her as a more stern Luna. No this is NMM who defeated Celestia and sealed her away for eternity! The one who will stop at nothing to ensure her reign lasts just as long. This is Nightmare Moon and her night shall last FOREVER! muahahahaahaa!!

      or will it? dun dun DUNN...

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    145. @Nyerguds

      Not sure what you mean by mess, I seen that description way back when it hit the drawfriend. I just meant the more Regal and attitude NmM inspires was better represented with the original Picture and this one will just make Past Sins fans expect something like Past Sins. Like "Oh some other author trying to copy PenStrokes Idea" or some such idiocy.

      This is a completely new story unrelated to Sins and not just a "If Nyx went bad" story. Never meant said he couldn't use it just expressing the dislike of how it can attract some negative attention or crazed Sins fans were more my concern. Not that it looks like that will be a problem.

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    146. @Cátsy
      It seemed like a pretty fitting use of the image IMO, for a story focused on a more personal side of NMM.

      @"Was pretty thrown back a bit on how big the changes were"
      Yeah, as I said, the Chapter 1 should really just have gotten the (New) tag too. It's kinda of silly that the current rating is still riding on removed content, though as long as Municipal Engines keeps it on par with, and eventually gets to, the stuff in the original Ch1, it shouldn't be that much off :)

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    147. @Cátsy
      I don't think anyone puts that much stock in post images. How many times have we seen "I don't have a good pic of X so here's Trixie"?

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    148. Technically, Orion's actually a background character, but he's essentially as OC as Lyra, or Derpy, or Doctor Whooves.

      Or Luna.

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    149. @Cátsy

      I didn't really like the old one, since that had (an oddly coloured) Luna rather than Nightmare Moon, and the new picture basically showed first-hand what one of the main themes of the story is.

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    150. Interested to see how this story develops further. I quite like the take on the developments after the Nightmare Moon incident. I.e. What would happen if Luna won? :P

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    151. Now hopefully the updated chapter link will actually work.

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    152. Beautiful. I love the way you rewrote your old chapter 1 as three chapters. Since you're now at the point in the story you originally got to, I can safely say the rewrite did not disappoint :)

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    153. Loving this remixed opening, but also hoping we can see Chapter 4 and 5 within the next couple days.

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    154. I liked the rewrite, too. I liked how you didn't actually show what happened in the exam this time around, although I'm curious as to what way Twilight's exam was supposedly sabotaged. My guess is that it was by presenting her with the completely age-inappropriate task of hatching a dragon egg.

      As soon as I saw this update, I dropped everything else and read it. I can't wait until you give us some story on Twi's life with the Empress.

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    155. I had wondered where that last chapter went.

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    156. Very cool story, well written too. I hope for more chapters soon!

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    157. Oh I love how this story is going :)

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    158. First chapter and I already love this. I am eager to continue and see where this goes. I don't follow many unfinished works, but I'll definitely be keeping eyes out for this one!

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    159. ... What the buck?! Trevor thought that it was a new chapter! He's not complaining about the re-write, but he finds it annoying that nothing was said about it being re-written, rather than being a new chapter. While it was better, it only disappointed Trevor to find out that he has to continue to wait for a new chapter. That is all. (Sorry if one is being rude, but it WAS quite a letdown.)

      ~ Magical Trevor, Minstrel of Equestria

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    160. And with that we have caught up to the old chapter 1's end! YES! XD

      Can't wait for the new part to finally come out. And after reading this complete rework of the original I am really pleased! Now there is more opening chance for the story to go either way.
      Did the ponies that Lock Mare warn to ruin Twilight's entrance exam even get to interfere? Were they caught preemptively by the Black Cloaks? Did Rainbow Filly Dash still manage to get into the same situation as in the series?

      I love the setup =3 Just hope little Orion serves a purpose other then an emotional support beam for young Twilight. Fate be so cruel if he ended up in the resistance and had to fight against the Queen and his old friend Twilight.

      Well, good job on the rewrite again it certainly managed to retain a lot of what made the original story good while putting in some extra meat on the proverbial bone of the story.

      Now get us something brand new out the oven already! I'm starving over here! <3

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    161. I am so glad this fic isnt dead :D

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    162. Next chapter finally progresses past where it originally was! w00t. I really like the letters you added. :D

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    163. Really enjoying this! Come on chapter 4! Come on!

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    164. fantastic story, i am loving it :3

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    165. I just finished chapter 3, and I am really looking forward to the next chapter.
      I absolutely love this concept, and I vant wait to see how this play out.

      That being said, I'd hate to rush the author...

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    166. Just started reading it, seems fantastic! :)

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    167. Just started reading the story tonight, and it appears to be made of high caliber stuff already. I did not read the original, so I cannot comment on any revisions made, but what I'm seeing now seems to flow pretty well.
      I feel as if the encounter with Willow deserves a bit of dedicated praise. I liked how it was a small glimpse into the future as opposed to some grandiose prophecy. It was just enough to leave the reader (or me at least) yearning to see how the story develops. It was "just enough". Kudos for that. Also, I think it was a wise choice to leave out the actual exam. The entire audience knows the events, so it would have done little good to re-tell it.
      So far, your characters are pretty well done. I'm kind of aching to see how NMM's character is developed in this story. I already realize/suspect she will be nothing like the picture implies. Ah yes, Past Sins...sigh*. Forever warping the way that I perceive NMM.
      Well Municipal Engines, I wish you luck with this story. There are only 4 installments up, and your story is already sitting on over 220 ratings with an average of 4.9 stars. The eyes of the EqD community seem to have fallen upon you. We evidently have faith in you. Craft us a story that will be remembered along with the other greats of pony fanfiction.

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    168. Thoroughly enjoyable! Great character and scene work.

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    169. you know i thought this was going to be another one of the cliches that twilight screws up a spell and is sent to another dimension, but this is so much more great writing cant wait for the next chapter.

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    170. I loved the story so far. But I'm not going to rate this before reading next few chapters and seeing where this story goes when it doesn't have the original story to lean on.

      I hope you can keep same level of quality up because so far this is easily 5-star story.

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    171. Heads up to all who're following this:

      I originally wanted to get the next chapter in by last Saturday, but that proved infeasible. However, I completed Chapter 4's first draft and sent it over to LordOfTheWrongs last night, so expect it up by either Tuesday or Wednesday.

      Currently, LordOfTheWrongs and I have gone through the planning of the story in a massive brainstorming session that lasted all throughout the previous week (and it is still ongoing).

      The latter parts of the story will, while not venturing in on the grimdark territory, will definitely be gritty and 'realistic' in the sense that any story with rebels, gestaponies and an Empire will be gritty.

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    172. This is a brilliant chap as always (I can see Nightmare moon, warming up to the child, seeing her like a daughter (though i see her forbidding twilight from going near a certain Chimera statue.)

      And something tells me that when twilight meets orion again, she not going to enjoy it.

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    173. Is there any place I could find more involved synopsis? It sounds like an interesting premise, but I don't think I could bear it if it turned out to be particularly melancholy.

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    174. Yes! Another chapter! Score! It was brilliant! Excelent! Inspired! It wa- *looks away* Oh, excuse one... ... ... Uh huh... You don't say? ... Trevor sees... ... Well, One will let them know, thanks!

      *Ahem* One have been told that one may have been SLIGHTLY extravagent in his praise of the fic, but still, you have Trevor's heartfelt thanks! Trevor eagerly awaits the next chapter! 8D

      ~ Magical Trevor, Misntrel of Equestria

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    175. HAY! SETH! This story is now 4.9 stars and 150+ comments! Magical Trevor DEMANDS that you add the Six-Star tag to this fic of EPIC proportions!

      ~ Magical Trevor, Misntrel of Equestria

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    176. The story is taking a very interesting turn... She is already showing signs of caring for Twilight.

      Though I firmly categorize her in the Affably Evil category. She has done faaar too many evil things to truly have a heart of gold underneath that exterior. Doesn't mean she can't be Twilight's surrogate mother when she isn't busy oppressing the masses!

      I am looking forward to the political intrigue, I don't think Twilight in this incarnation will be able to be the reclusive bookworm. With her organization skills, I could see her becoming quite the Machiavellian puppetmaster.

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    177. Absolutely wonderful chapter Municipal, especially loved the little bit of bonding you seemed to imply twilight and NmM having there at the end.

      This has been an amazing opening and assuming it's coming to a close and/or is already at a close, I look forward to seeing the story continue. Please keep us updated on progress, I'm highly anticipating chapter 5.

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    178. I have some reading to do but part four looks good, I love it

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    179. @ Chapter 4 ending

      Buh -- DAAAAAAaaaaawwwwww.

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    180. Still loving this fic. The bits where you're working in the beginnings of warmth between NMM and Twi feel natural and fit smoothly into your narrative. Also, wow: suddenly 6starred. Grats!

      Also, we are supposed to hate the inquisitor's guts (and not just because he's a complete monster), right? Because I'm starting to hate his guts. He seems to me to be a Dragon With An Agenda with a heaping helping of Smug Snake thrown in for good measure.

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    181. @icekatze
      I can assure you it won't. As Peter Falk put it, "It's got fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, True Love, miracles...."
      (Okay, maybe not so much on the giants or miracles. Not so sure on Twoo Love either. But still!)

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    182. This story is now diamonds. More! More!

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    183. Love it, keep up the good work =)

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    184. I love this latest update. Your characterization of She Who Stayed is beautiful. I can't wait to read more! :D

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    185. I absolutely love this story. Every update is as great as the last.

      *secretly hopes NMM will let Twi call her 'Luna'* :3

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    186. really really do we have to have a harry potter reference everywhere?

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