Author: AlCapony
Description: As Fluttershy finds herself confronted with a past she thought she had left behind her, she turns to Twilight for help. Twilight herself, on the other hoof, is about to stumble upon a revelation about the unassuming little pegasus she would have never imagined, and has to grapple with the confusing feelings that follow in its wake.You Can't Escape the Past
Additional Tags: Family, Confrontation, Anger, Sadness, Support
43 comments:
I think FlutterTwi would work best.
ReplyDeletei wanna see some rarity and fluttershy stories
ReplyDeleteIt was a good story, just I feel it could be a bit longer. Maybe you ran out of ideas or stopped before this developed into a clop flic (In which case good). 5/5 though, the plot was at a nice steady rate and very emotional.
ReplyDeleteThe ending did feel rushed, and the love almost-seems one sided, but it's still a sweet story and pretty sad, yes.
ReplyDeleteI liked it.
Interesting setup. I always get a chuckle out of the idea that The Stare is hereditary, and this story does mention the idea I had been wondering about in regards to what if such a power was misused.
ReplyDeleteI will say that the actual climax seems a bit off though. Perhaps its just me, but it seems like things escalated faster (and higher) than they should have, making things seem rather rushed. I admit that it gave Twilight's response more weight, though.
It's been a long time since I hated a villain like I hated the one in this story. That he didn't get all the punishment that he deserved was frustrating, but just goes to show how hard it is to deal with monsters that you can't just punch here and there to make everything OK.
ReplyDeleteNobody was perfect here. Fluttershy's mother was beyond help; Twilight uncomprehending and hesitant to get involved and Fluttershy too weak and conditioned to do anything against her abusive father. The latter two are perfectly in character with their failings.
This story made me frustrated and sad to see how badly our cartoon heroes held up against a very real-world problem and it did it so well that I resented it for it. And for that, five stars.
Shylight?
ReplyDeleteIt's pretty unrealistic; abusers almost never abuse their victims where anyone they can't control can find out. This guy has a lot to lose if word gets out that he beats his daughter (and probably also beats his wife), so he'd be careful not to let on to strangers, especially one who could get Princess Celestia herself involved. That and the really rapid jump from small talk to punch in the face broke suspension of disbelief for me.
ReplyDelete...how is this shipping? Seriously? I cannot interpret this as shipping, I feel it more like somepony standing up for what's right.
ReplyDeleteAlso, mister storm cloud is quite the idiot. His daughter has TALKED DOWN a dragon. Not with her hooves, but with her voice. Just because she's not physically strong... Then again, I smelt some "I wanted a son and therefore it's her fault" justification going on in his head.
And for the record, he's not evil. He doesn't realize what he's doing is wrong. If he did, he wouldn't have done it in front of Celestia's student. Doesn't excuse him, he still needs some remedial torture... preferably psychological. Hee hee... him and I we're going to have fun.... hee hee hee haa haa HA HA HA HAA!
Have I mentioned I'm insane?
The editing wasn't good, the story rushed and remedial, and the execution lacked the force on the heart strings that one would come to expect from a FS fic, especially one like this. Not to mention the villain was one dimensional, and he needed a bit more fleshing out to be likeable. Yes, he's given 'reason', but nothing is given to why he wants such conclusions. It's pretty standard fare.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you are a good writer, and I rather liked the attention to small details, the expansion of how things feel with magic, and the daisy sandwich scene felt real. It was a good bit of writing and I was fairly impressed with it - it shows a comprehension that goes beyond simple skill with the English language. You have a talent here, you just need to get over the hills that hinder your stories.
For what it is, I feel this story needed editing and formatting far before getting posted to EQ. I noticed sentences that were going one way, but finished in a way that didn't make grammatical sense. It feels... unfinished.
Not to mention there were serious points where it showed you didn't know how to end a sense, and it broke down to simple 'this happened then this and this until this'. Work on transitions and ending scenes a little.
I don't mean to come off as rude or uncaring, even though I know I do. And to be honest, I'm not that great of a writer myself in my own opinion, but I do want to help. Don't let anything I've said stop you, but rather take it and improve on it. You can do it, with a little help.
I'm confused.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first two thirds. Up to FS's parents coming in the story was actually really good. 4 or 5 star easy.
Then it accelerated to the point I'm not really sure what happened. A bunch of stuff happened, and I'm not really sure it mattered.
As a shipping story, it's sweet, because Twilight takes a while to figure out what's going on, but that story needs to be continued to have impact. As an abuse story it's there. Fluttershy is affected by it, but there's not enough resolution for that story either. The end just happens so fast it doesn't feel like a real ending.
And it's final enough to not feel like there's any thing more to add.
great job but the ending was a let down
ReplyDeleteSweet, moving and interesting story. But seriously... what the hay? Is that how it ends? Just like that? Totally abruptly? With no resolution? No aftermath? Will Twilight be able to make her friend feel better? Will she muster up the courage to tell her about her own feelings? Or maybe Fluttershy have felt the same the entire time, and that's the real reason she asked Twilight for help?
ReplyDeleteSo many unanswered questions... please, it can't end here!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYeah, everypony knows it's FlutterTwi.
No shipping here. Wasted mah time.
ReplyDeleteneeds moar indentation
ReplyDeleteAuthor here - first up, thanks for the feedback, good and bad alike.
ReplyDeleteI'll start with a bit of background, maybe that will help to address some of the points mentioned here (not saying that it makes the criticism here any less relevant).
This is the first piece of actual writing I've done outside of school assingments etc. (and even those were a few years back). At first I didn't even intend to make it public at all, one day the idea just started to spook around in my head and I only wrote it down as a way to get it out again.
I don't even intend to write anything else after this (but I still really appreciate the constructive criticism!).
I agree that it could have benefitted greatly from some proper editing, but I didn't really have anyone to help me with that. I tried my best to revise it and fix errors myself, but obviously that will only get you so far.
At first I thought the story was too long for what it is, but I can see why a lot of people feel the ending is rushed. It's significantly shorter than the previous two parts, although it's basically the whole point behind the story as a whole. That's something that irked me as well, but to be honest I really didn't know how expand it.
English also isn't my first language - I like to pride myself on being fluent and eloquent in it, but I have to admit that there are often occasions where I have wrong associations about the meanings of some terms, and I really struggled in some spots to wrap up what I meant in a grammatically pleasing package.
Probably doesn't help that I have a bad habit of making run-on sentences and never really knowing where to end it.
Also, it seems that quite a few people in the Google Docs chat complained about botched formatting, such as huge page brakes within the story. I'm sure my formatting could use improving as well, but I really don't know what happened there. It shows up fine for me with none of these issues. :S
Ok, on to some individual points.
@Anonymous
That was one of my fears, that I wouldn't be able to do the subject justice. Also the reason why I kept to Twi's perspective, I really didn't trust myself to write it from Fluttershy'v POV.
@Anonymous
I included the tag to be on the safe side. I intentionally kept the shipping toned down, especially at the end, because I really didn't want it look as if Twilight is taking advantage of FS's vulnerability.
@HiddenBrony
Big fan of your fic-series, so your comment does mean a lot to me. Even if it's not that positive. ;)
About the characterisation of the villan - I can totally see what you mean. I think that's another problem I had while writing this, the difference between what I imagined in my head and thought the text would convey, and what the reader actually takes away from it. Having some feedback from pre-readers would've really helped with that.
-----
tl;dr
I readily admit that it isn't perfect, and a lot could have been improved.
Still, I'm happy about everyone who can find something good about this story - even if it's just the description of how Twi makes a sandwich. :3
Great Story, really love it, I hope there will be sequels !
ReplyDeleteOh and I want to get my hands on Flutters Dad ... what "fun" we would have ...
Author here - first up, thanks for the feedback, good and bad alike.
ReplyDeleteI'll start with a bit of background, maybe that will help to address some of the points mentioned here (not saying that it makes the criticism here any less relevant).
This is the first piece of actual writing I've done outside of school assingments etc. (and even those were a few years back). At first I didn't even intend to make it public at all, one day the idea just started to spook around in my head and I only wrote it down as a way to get it out again.
I don't even intend to write anything else after this (but I still really appreciate the constructive criticism!).
Ok, on to some individual points.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
That was one of my fears, that I wouldn't be able to do the subject justice. Also the reason why I kept to Twi's perspective, I really didn't trust myself to write it from Fluttershy'v POV.
@Anonymous
I included the tag to be on the safe side. I intentionally kept the shipping toned down, especially at the end, because I really didn't want it look as if Twilight is taking advantage of FS's vulnerability.
@HiddenBrony
Big fan of your fic-series, so your comment does mean a lot to me. Even if it's not that positive. ;)
About the characterisation of the villan - I can totally see what you mean. I think that's another problem I had while writing this, the difference between what I imagined in my head and thought the text would convey, and what the reader actually takes away from it. Having some feedback from pre-readers would've really helped with that.
-----
tl;dr
I readily admit that it isn't perfect, and a lot could have been improved.
Still, I'm happy about everyone who can find something good about this story - even if it's just the description of how Twi makes a sandwich. :3
This was really good. A couple of good showings of various characters emotions, climax was short and a bit rushed, but still maintained a good feeling. Kind of seems more of a friendship thing then a shipping paring to me, but either way the relationship between Twilight and Fluttershy was good.
ReplyDeleteI've got to give it five stars. Well done.
Congratulations! I think you've just created the single most hated character in Pony history! Take a bow, man!
ReplyDeleteWow, English isn't your first language and you are already managing a well written(if not exactly properly paced) story here. Excellent work in that case :)
ReplyDeleteI do however agree with the others, towards the end things felt a bit rushed, as well as lacking in proper background. Everything from her parents arriving to the end seems too out of believable character for someone like Fluttershy's father if he really does run an industry yet never had any word of his less desirable traits be exposed before.
That, and one would assume that the mere presence of Twilight would dissuade any bad behavior simply because she IS the favored student of Celestia.
This is of course all just a great big nag for more :D
5/5, very emotional.
ReplyDeleteEmotionally clumsy, with an inept and unexamined portrayal of Twilight Sparkle. This is just a cheap and possibly mildly insulting use of domestic abuse as a catalyst for shoving the 2 characters together instead of employing something more difficult to write, like, say, actual emotional development and bonding. You wrench sad and romantic emotions out of this abusive scenario with such overkill, such lack of subtlety, that it's like using a flamethrower just to light a cigarette. I'd give 1.5 Stars if I could, but I'll be generous and round up instead of down.
ReplyDeleteWow, strong reactions to this! I'll agree that I thought the climax was awfully rushed, but the buildup of Twilight's emotions towards Fluttershy felt natural, and at least paced with regards to the length of the piece. My main concern is with my sudden desire to see Fluttershy in pain. I am a terrible pony. D:
ReplyDeleteAs has already been said, the ending felt a bit rushed, but the story was quite emotional and (For the first time in my extensive fic-reading history) actually managed to make me feel physically sick to my stomach.
ReplyDeleteNormally my rule is: Don't hit Fluttershy, Ever! But in this case, I'll make an exception.
Even though Twilight's reaction was good, I was hoping for more than just a banal ''Shoo, go away you meany-pants'' (even if in super-sayan mode)...
ReplyDeleteThe father should have felt MUCH MORE threatened... Truly fearing the possible outcome, and what might come bite his ass in the future.
It would have given us, the readers, so MUCH more satisfaction to know that it's his turn to fear something. Not just a simple ''Hmpf, I go now.'' from him...
The way Twilight start to realise, that her thoughts are oriented toward something more than just ''friend with Fluttershy'', was interestingly done... Makes me wonder if a Part 2 will come ?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYou, sir, are a moron. And your ''clumsy'' use of half-hidden insults and vague biased opinions, doesn't fool anyone.
Go trash-talk somewhere else and come later when ready to write a REAL critique.
I personally loved this Story. 5/5 stars.
ReplyDeleteKeep it up, you Fan Fiction writers always make my days happy, even if the story is sad.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteI understand that it's very difficult to accept that anyone can have the audacity not to like something that you do, but please don't try to pretend that my having pointed out actual, serious flaws with the premise and plot's execution is somehow not a far more valid critique than the blind, empty praise most reviewers have lavished on this work thus far, or worse, your own inane comments, whose only specific comment was a wish for Twilight to continue the kind of intimidation through terror that the story points out is wrong. Real classy, sir.
I'm also not entirely sure how I was trying to "fool anyone." My complaints about the story were straightforward enough, nothing half-hidden or vaguely biased about them. Perhaps they were a little more eloquent than you're used to, as you apparently think it's sensible to accuse others of trash-talking immediately after calling them a moron, but eloquence does not necessarily hide any criticisms, and it did not here. Toddle off and watch your Dragon Ball Z some more, little guy, this isn't your field of expertise.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteI understand that it's very difficult to accept that anyone can have the audacity not to like something that you do, but please don't try to pretend that my having pointed out actual, serious flaws with the premise and plot's execution is somehow not a far more valid critique than the blind, empty praise most reviewers have lavished on this work thus far, or worse, your own inane comments, whose only specific comment was a wish for Twilight to continue the kind of intimidation through terror that the story points out is wrong. Real classy, sir.
I'm also not entirely sure how I was trying to "fool anyone." My complaints about the story were straightforward enough, nothing half-hidden or vaguely biased about them. Perhaps they were a little more eloquent than you're used to, as you apparently think it's sensible to accuse others of trash-talking immediately after calling them a moron, but eloquence does not necessarily hide any criticisms, and it did not here. Toddle off and watch your Dragon Ball Z some more, little guy, this isn't your field of expertise.
I get the feeling that another well-written sequel would make more people happy if it included the father losing everything.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I want to say that Twilight/Fluttershy is one of my favorite pairings, so it's nice to see fanfiction on it. Anyway, on to the review.
ReplyDeleteThe first two-thirds are really good. It sets the tone well, and I was wondering what direction you were going to go with it. (didn't read any of the reviews first)
One thing I like in particular is that Fluttershy's feelings aren't stated, but are implied. She believes Twilight is the bravest and strongest pony she knows, so she does have some kind of admiration for her...even if it's not necessarily romantic.
But now for the negative...
As others have said, it is a bit short, and the ending does feel rushed. Given the hatred we're supposed to have for Fluttershy's father, it certainly could have had a better climax. It would have been nice to see the guy get hurt, or at least been scared and threatened.
But oh well, no story is perfect.
I give it 4 stars out of 5.
Personally, I liked the story. It was heart warming and heart wrenching at the same time, and managed to pull it off rather well if you ask me. I do however think that the shipping bit, even though cute, was rather unnecessary for the story as a whole. It felt more like a FriendShipping fic rather than a normal ship, and I do think that the ending could've gained more depth if so were the case. However, now onto the major point of the comments so far:
ReplyDeleteThe ending. First of all, I have to agree with most of the above posters, it did feel a bit rushed compared to the rest of the story. However, contrary to the ones who before me, I don't find it to be that much of a fault. Instead I actually found it to be rather appropriate. It somehow felt more in sync with the tone of the situation, Fluttershy's meeting with her abusive father, and the heated climax of the story. I do have to agree that it could've been extended, but rushed is not the word I would've used.
But on the other hoof I don't think there was much with it you could've changed without also changing what it was to me: a story about how a young woman meets with her abusive father, afraid with her childhood memories of their relationship, only to have a close friend stand up to defend her and show her that she did have a real home, and people who loved her the way she wanted to be loved.
So, in conclusion: A lovely story, definitely 5/5 from me. However, extension! Sure, it is easy for me to say, not being a Fanfic writer myself, but I still stand by my point. A deeper and longer closure, some more width to the climax, it's all up there earlier in my post. And these are all points of "How could you have done this even better!" rather than "How could you have made this good!" from my point of view, but feel free to interpret them however you wish!
Peace out, love and tolerance to all!
Make more with fluttershy, you're good at it.
ReplyDeleteIt was going good until the end, this how isn't a romance one, the ponies done have relationships like that they are just friends. I hope that wasn't Fluttershys back story but it sort of makes sense but I think the dad should see the error of his ways by perhaps, all the ponies proving how much of a good pony fluttershy is, good concept though
ReplyDeleteHmmmm.
ReplyDeleteMy biggest complaint is that at times the characters seemed to be handled somewhat...bluntly. They felt like they were becoming a role in the story rather than an individual in the story's telling.
The ending was a nice touch considering it was a one-shot.
In the end though, I felt just a bit too disconnected from the characters and their struggles to feel much for the story.
High-side 2/5, almost a 3/5.
This story was making upset... I was ready to jump through reality and stragle Fluttershy's father. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI will complain though that your story was lacking a certain amount of... realism when it came to the characters. Fluttershy was handled so so and Twilight could have been done better. But you managed to keep a decent view on who their characters are in the show.
I actually got angry at Shy's dad, I wanted to dish out some retribution!
ReplyDeleteGood story but a bit rushed, deserves a sequel to wrap things up.
I can't access?
ReplyDeleteI can't access either but found a backup at: http://nallar.me/fics/You%20Cant%20Escape%20the%20Past.html
ReplyDeleteOr at least I think it is.