• Story: Elements of Awesome (Update Volume 2 Part 6-10!)

    [Normal] The Mane 6's kids?! Oc madness right there!

    Author: Hawky
    Description: Set a random amount of years in the future. Twilight Sparkle disappears and it's up to her daughter and her daughter's friends can save them. Will Dawn and co. be able to rescue the unicorn in time, or will [SPOILER] happen? Read the gaddum story to find out. Or don't. Also, be prepared for sappy. There will be some very sappy bits. Enjoy
    All Links after the break!
    Google Documents
    Elements of Awesome: Intro
    Elements of Awesome: Lapis Lazuli
    Elements of Awesome: Sweet Tarts
    Elements of Awesome: Leap of Faith
    Elements of Awesome: et al
    Elements of Awesome: Unbiased 
    Elements of Awesome: Rolling Thunder 
    Elements of Awesome: Solar Eclipse


    Elements of Awesome: Recap

    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 1
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 2
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 3
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 4
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 5
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 6 (New!)
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 7 (New!)
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 8 (New!)
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 9 (New!)
    Elements of Awesome Volume 2: Part 10 (New!)

    FF.net (All Links+Side Story Links)
    Elements of Awesome



    Additional Tags: Teenager ponies have an adventure

    [Normal] Elements of Awesome Side Story (Complete!)
    Description: .This is the story of a young prince
    Elements of Awesome: Zachariah's Tale
    Elements of Awesome: Zachariah's Tale Part 2
    Elements of Awesome: Zachariah's Tale Part 3 
    Elements of Awesome: Zachariah's Tale Part 4  
    Elements of Awesome: Zachariah's Tale Part 5

    Additional Tags: Zecora, OC ponies, Incomplete, very short spinoff Story

    [Normal] Side Story 2 (Complete!)
    Description: The daughter of a street magician discovers her talent.
    Elements of Awesome: Bag of Trix Part 1
    Elements of Awesome: Bag of Trix Part 2


    Additional Tags: The Great and Powerful Trixie, OC pony, IncompleteContains Foreshadowing and Spoilers :3

    82 comments:

    1. [View image]
      Dat Flank.

      ReplyDelete
    2. I'm probably going to have to accept and enjoy OC ponies or I will go insane waiting for season 2.

      ~Scratch

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    3. It's difficult to tell who's children are whom. The only ones I know for sure are Rarity and Twilight's children. You also need more description. It's hard to tell what's going on. It's 95% dialogue. Some descriptions would make it at most 20% cooler.

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    4. Luna: "Haaaaa! After ten thousand year I am free! Time to CONQUER Equestria!
      Celestia: "Luna's Escaped! Recruit five young ponies with attitiude!"
      Go Go Pony Rangers!

      Sorry, I couldn't stop myself after I read this desription ;) Now I will jump into it!

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    5. @Saxton Hale
      Luna has a "Dat Flank" moment with Twilight in my current shipping I'm writing.

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    6. I legitimately love how bratty all of these characters are.

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    7. @Anonymous Apple Tart is AJ's; Dawn is Twilight's; Lazle is Rarity's; Thunder is RD's filly; Parteilich is Pinkie's son; Fluttershy's child is still to be revealed.

      And I agree with your point about there needing to be more description, and cutting back on the dialogue. Hopefully Hawkyu acknowledges your suggestion.

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    8. Cue me in as thinking that this story needs a better intro of the OC cast. It should probably be something like the FIM pilot where each Pony had one scene demonstrating their personality.

      BTW, this is what I've deduced so far about the relations:

      Name - Gender - Mother - Notes
      Dawn - Filly - Twilight Sparkle - Viewpoint OC
      Lazuli - Filly - Rarity - vain? A Rarity clone without the good bits
      Party - Colt - Pinky Pie - Just like Pinky, only male
      Thunder - Colt - Rainbow Dash - Dawn has a crush on him
      Apple Tart - Filly - Applejack - Bad liar and thick accent
      Faith - Filly - Fluttershy - Parent only deduced by process of elimination and no memorable personality quirks.

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    9. PS: What's up with Lazuli... Lazle... Lazer... Rarity's daughter's name? Could the author have picked one that was HARDER to remember?

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    10. @Anonymous

      If you're familiar with the gemstone the Lapis Lazuli, it's not so bad. Once you've got that, it's easier to follow the nicknames.

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    11. Wait, so Rainbow Dash had a kid?

      That almost makes me not want to read this story.

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    12. @Anonymous
      We also get to know that Faith is a pegasus with yellow coat >_>

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    13. Interesting, quite interesting.

      More background info would be appreciated, though that might come at a later date, of course. And I honestly thought Lazle was a typo throughout reading; Go figure...

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    14. @Anonymous

      Parteilich, Pinkie Pie's son, doesn't really seem like a male Pinkie at all. Rather than hypertense mania, he seems the very opposite, a very laid-back almost hippy-ish attitude.

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    15. Alright, more from this author! This is pretty good.

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    16. This needs...more. It throws a whole lot of new characters at you all at once and then doesn't really give you enough time to work out the relations between each character, who these characters are, and why we should care about them.

      There's a little teenage sneaking out of the house and then, oop, plot happens. In a situation like this, it feels like there needs to be more background stuff to get me to actually worry about this situation? Who _is_ Dawn? What's her relationship like with her mother? We need to know more about her specifically, and the other characters just feel a little vague. It might have been a good idea to spend the first part letting us get to know who these people are, and then end the chapter with Twilights disappearance.

      Also, there's too much dialogue, and not enough description. I don't have a real good grasp on what any of these ponies actually look like.

      Not as good as the other daughter-of-Twilight fic released recently, but this is just the first part, and it looks like it's going to take a more adventuresome tone to it, compared to the more introspective Shades of Midnight. Be interesting to see where this goes, as long as we get to know who these ponies are better.

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    17. I know it a bit off topic but who drew the of Twilight sleeping? it so cute :D

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    18. Thanks for the feedback guys.
      And yes, the story needs much more description. I wrote out the intro has a very quick concept. And unfortunately, Faith's the only one who I have any idea of what she might look like (I based her completely off Emoshy).
      Anyways, yes, much more description is needed. Because right now, I'm sure all you see is Emoshy and then invisible ponies.
      Anyways, tl;dr: Thanks for the feedback, ya'll are right. The plan is:
      a) Actually decide what they look like
      b) Add more emotion and action

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    19. Hawkysu/hawksyu/hawkyu... Just call me HawkyMay 1, 2011 at 9:26 PM

      Okay, surprised no-one pointed this out.
      I just noticed that I mistyped Thunder as Lightning three times XD

      It's fixed now, though (resumes reading friend-off posts and writing)

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    20. GODDAMMIT!
      i'm in the middle of writing a fic RIGHT now and i'm having Twilight ship with an OC named Dawn Glow...
      FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
      I'm telling you this now, so that when I submit you know that I didn't steal that name from you.
      - I'm not angry, I just can't believe it's not butter

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    21. Great story so far! But...
      Pinkie and Braeburn, seriously? I'm sorry, but I just can't imagine it...

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    22. Despite thinking that this would be pretty bad, I'm quite enjoying it! It's got a campy teen adventure vibe that's pretty fun. I'd agree taking it a bit slower and adding some more scene setting would be good. Gj.

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    23. Zachariah is going to steal the show for me.

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    24. @Sagebrush
      Good. I like Zachariah also. That's why I started the spinoff

      ReplyDelete
    25. Question:
      Can everyone view Zachariah's Tale? Because I have 7+ requests to "share" it.

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    26. I can (the link above works, the one in chapter 3 doesn't), and I sure like it! Ch.3 is also great, keep up the good work!

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    27. @Anonymous
      Doh! That's because I'm silly. I put that link in before I made the sidestory public. I just edited it (and learned a little lesson about how to share links in GDocs)

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    28. I like it so far, but please stop switching between Lazuli and Lazil (or however you spell it). It gets confusing and obnoxious when I see the same name spelled different ways by same characters.

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    29. Before I read, I just wanna know - Why does everypony have a problem with OC ponies? I personally welcome OC stuff along with the canon fics, but apparently they're not generally liked around here, which is something that perplexes me.

      Ok, time to read!

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    30. @Basharoonskis

      Because historically, original characters are the cancer that is killing what little credibility fan fiction ever had to begin with. If you've ever spent any amount of time on FanFiction.Net, you would know to be leery of them and their tendency to be self-insert Mary Sues.

      I try to keep an open mind about such stories personally, seeing as I've written fics where a decent majority of the main characters were OCs.

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    31. @aquaman52

      so what's the problem with mary sues; I think it's interesting to be able to gague the average individual of the human hivemind that is society, and to see how they represent modern social pressures. That is the essence of self-insert, after all.

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    32. @Anonymous
      Self-inserts and Mary Sues aren't exactly the same thing, although the overlap is large. Mary Sues are game-breakingly perfect and amazing characters who have no flaws and turn the other characters into idiots by comparison. Self-inserts are, well, self-inserts, although they can drift into Sue territory and often do. Call it escapism, but shared with the world instead of kept to oneself.

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    33. I....really like it. Keep up the good work.

      (Also, WINGBONER)

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    34. I wonder...

      Why Trixie and Twiligth's daughter, *Midnight*, is named Dawn here ??

      (Because the story introducing their daughter had also named her *Midnight*, like Trixie mother's name.)

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    35. I tried reading this earlier and stopped at the brief mention of Rainbow's lesbianism. But dammit I can't stop a story if it's even a bit interesting, so naturally I came back. It's awesome. I didn't like the somewhat dark overtone and bits of mature content (I have avoided reading fanfics to this point for that reason), it's not that I don't like that stuff, I do, very much, but not with mah pwnies. But yeah, Is awesome, do like, can't wait for more.

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    36. ^Didn't like dark overtone blahblahblah AT FIRST
      is what i meant to say :P

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    37. The story's ok...but i'm epicly confused over the characters...not defined enough and too much dialogue :P

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    38. @Basharoonskis
      pretty much what everyone who responded said. While I try to avoid self-inserts and Mary sues, its hard to resist (For instance, trying very hard to not make an upset Lazle a superhero)

      Anon at 11:45: She only has two names. her birth name and her nickname. If you see a spelling besides Lazuli or Lazle (excluding the intro-chapter, with looserl or whatever I said)it means I done goof'd.

      Anon at 2:24: WINGBONER :3

      @Nova: Okay. I'm going to have to read Shades of Midnight (which i presume that's what it's from?) at some point.

      Anon at 8:31/33: Yeah, there'll be some shippy bits. However, I believe that's the last I'll mention of Dash. Well, maybe. Possibly. I have no clue, I said nothing.

      Anon at 8:52: Working on it! I still need to finish coming up with ideas for what they look like. Nothing goes with light blue :<


      yeah, I feel like I should reply to almost every comment.

      ReplyDelete
    39. You need help with colors, Hawky? I'm good at that sort of thing. Le's see... Light blue... that's for Lazuli, right? And you've established light blue as the coat color.... I say either white, dark blue, or better yet, some kinda combo like a stripe or a gradient. Also I always imagined Party as having a pasteline pink coat with somewhat dark yellow mane and tail with amber eyes, but that's just me. Just some suggestions, I don't expect you to listen to me if you don't like what I got to say, just hope it helps ya think of stuff.

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    40. Also, the only problem I have with the shipping is that, now that you've confirmed two of the fathers, I'm trying desperately to ward off images of Pinkie Pie and Braeburn, aswell as Fluttershy and Big Macintosh... ya know.... But beyond that I have no problem with it. :P

      And do I detect some Fullmetal Alchemist plotline variation? I'm pretty sure I do, and I like it.

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    41. I got the name Thunder from a pony name generator.


      I am now RD's son.

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    42. @BrawlerGamma
      Me gusta.
      And unfortunately I don't watch Fullemetal Alchemist, but I'll pretend I do and say yes!

      @Ponymensch: One of the seven best OCs in the story.

      ReplyDelete
    43. Pretty fun story, and while the characters were kinda thrown at me rapid-fire, they're growing on me. They have a kind of CMC charm to them.

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    44. I had a mental hiccup in the side story until I realized that Trixie had actually named her daughter Trixie; that is hilarious.

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    45. Okay, so a nice man named S prompted me to finish this:
      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1vseFDXYxmFtCT4NEr4wdgxB6JujTK05gicI1i1blB10/edit?authkey=CN7km4oI&hl=en_US&pli=1#
      So there ya go. Have an unfinished guide to characters and whatnot.

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    46. I've seen a lot of Fluttershy/Big Macintosh shipping, but not one Pinkie/Braeburn. Then again there aren't very many stallions in canon, which would probably be why the other four's husbands don't come up (though I suspect Thunder's dad was an anonymous sperm donor).

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    47. RHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHG NEED NEXT CHAPTER. >:O And the fight scene was okay.

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    48. IT's okay at best. 3 stars. Needs a lot more descriptive elements to make it a good story.

      Don't mind the OC's.

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    49. @Andrew
      hehe, I'm only working on the sidestories now. MWAHAHAHA
      And thanks

      @Shaw:
      Actually, this started has just a concept ("What would the mane 6's kids be like?"). I never meant to turn it into a full story. But it kinda has, so now I'm just covering my tracks. Basically, 3 stars is what I expected. At least for now, but
      [SPOILERS KINDA SORTA! ISH! NOT REALLY! JUST SKIP TO THE NEXT SET OF [] IF YOU WANT TO BE SURPRISED]
      This will be at least two volumes. Volume one, this one, will just introduce the main, and probably will be much shorter than the second. I'll wrap up Zachariah's Tale (which should be Tail for the punny) and the story with Trix in this one. And at least one storyline in the mane story.
      Then the second one will get down into the real story. By then, most of the characters should be at least averagely defined (with appearances and everything!). Also, everything will be more chronological.

      Basically, I started this not knowing what I wanted to do. Now I have an idea, but I need to finish up this story first.
      Also, at least 5 of the 6 fathers will make an appearance, siblings will be introduced, and I'll stop trying to use obvious plot devices.
      Oh and actual spoiler, but I'm only mentioning it so I actually do it. If anypony has read my earlier, and better, work, a certain pegasus will make a return, hopefully any loose ends will be tied.
      RAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
      [END NOT REALLY SPOILERS]

      That's the first time I've ever mentioned spoilery stuff in the comments

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    50. not sure if like.
      needs more chapters.

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    51. >“No,” she whispered, tears dripped from her face onto his back, “I think she’s dead.”

      - ?! ...(look at the NORMAL tag)... ? ...Killing a main character, just like that ? Especially considering how the rest of the story was progressing until now ?

      ...I have my doubts.
      Some serious doubts, right now.

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    52. Zachariah's Tale Part 4 :

      >vervloekte

      -...
      ...*Not to offend anyone*, but what language could this possibly be ??
      Honestly, this is the weirdest word I have ever seen, and in ANY stories I ever read, to mean : Alicorn... (and I saw quite a few)

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    53. @Nova25
      It's Afrikaans for "Cursed" or "Cursed one." I tend to use foreign languages in place of a lot of words, and Zebra-pegasus just doesn't sound right. However, I've started using it when Zachariah is referring to any winged pony.

      Also, the Zebric language consists of:
      Afrikaans
      Zulu
      + any other language that feels appropriate, like Dutch

      And yeah, I tried to describe an Alicorn as a pegasus/unicorn mix. Or in Zebric terms: verloekte (I really hope I'm spelling this right, I keep messing up the e and o) and unicorn mix.


      Yes, my world is bizarre. I have a character whose name means:
      Biased Funny Foot
      Although the last part is _not_ meant to be translated.

      Also, not to be spoilery or anything, but, since I'm in the process of writing that particular chapter, referring to your previous comment: Oh ye little of faith.

      At least, I hope ye are.

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    54. @Hawkysu
      >Biased Funny Foot
      Sorry, problem with translator. I thought was wrong. Does not mean foot.

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    55. Pacing is kind of wonky (the temporal relationships between the various scenes are sometimes poorly defined and often don't flow together coherently)...concept is fairly solid if a bit oddly done (the kids don't really feel like their parents at all)...there is a great void where the tension should be (which seems to have been replaced by OC shipping)...

      I dunno, I'm usually not feeling this sort of gentle animosity towards a fanfic.

      I think I agree with one of the anons when they said that this story needs a pilot episode of sorts to ground our perceptions of these characters. Normally they'd be semi-replacing the main cast, but you've gone a way that demands that each new character be given a moment to shine. They're just ill-defined for now and the story suffers for it.

      I just really dunno what to go with on this story...it's probably around a 3 out of 5 by EqD's system, but that's on the strength of a minority of scenes.

      I don't hate this, let me be clear on that, but this story needs quite a bit of revision and quite a few new scenes to be more than just adequate.

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    56. I'd agree with the above. This feels like it's missing something. I'm not really feeling a sense of urgency with regards to finding Twilight, and I'm having a bit of trouble keeping track of who is related to who. You definitely need to flesh this out more.

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    57. This was... Nnn.

      I agree with the above two comments quite a bit, and it definitely needs fleshing out.

      It took me forever to distinguish the characters apart, and there's no bond to any of them. The kids are either carbon copies (with none of the bits which made us love them) or they're completely different.

      It took me forever to figure out who Faith was, and even then it didn't feel right. It's not awful, but not striking either. It just needs to be fleshed out.

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    58. Honestly, the only thing keeping me reading this is wanting to know how it ends.

      Honestly, the new characters aren't well developed enough yet, and they certainly aren't as endearing as the mane six.

      If you wanted to keep the audience on its toes about the possible death of Twilight, you could have done that better. Especially now that 5 of the mane 6 and 4 chidren are reunited, there should definitely be more emotion, and certainly a better sense of urgency. Particularily with Luna, who should probably had explained more about the discovery of Twilight. That element just seems to be a little out there to be thrown in at the very end of a chapter.

      And breaking the fourth wall? Seems like a tactic for the desperate author.

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    59. You forgot to add the part explaining what Faith and Lazuli were talking about.

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    60. I think Party is the most original out of the bunch. I quite like him

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    61. This is a long post. Sorry about that, it just sorta grew as I tried to provide some constructive (I hope) criticism for a lot of things. I like this story on a basic level, but lots of bits need more polish.

      Did the last couple of chapters feel awfully rushed to anyone else? I can't say that I appreciate the parents suddenly appearing at the same police station that the kids happened to go to. That just seems to be a bit too much of a contrived coincidence to me. There were some other things, but their ending up at the station with little explanation as to how they got there was the most obvious thing to me.

      Also, not that I am an English Major, but mightn't something like Twilight's epic battle against possessed Midnight that ended with him being sealed into a mountain or some-odd have been better handled as a flashback than as a hasty reference? I guess my main beef there is that it seems to be generally more satisfying to be shown what happened than to be told about it after the fact. I remember you saying that action scenes are hard to write, but judging by what you did with the spider attack you aren't bad at writing them by a longshot.

      As some others have mentioned, the OC's characterizations seem to be a bit thin so far. I think that the best described so far would be Lazle in that we can see what she looks like, we know her special talent is singing, we know she is of the Lawful Good alignment, and we know that she takes after Rarity's prissiness to some degree. I kinda like how you used her relationship with Thunder to display a little about her values. The rest of the romance drama hasn't really helped us understand anything about the characters except that Dawn and Lazle both think that Thunder is hot and that Faith likes Dawn. I think what I am trying to say here is that it would be nice to have the girls talk less about who they like when you shine the spotlight on them and more about plot-relevant subjects like their hopes, fears, or their connections to the Elements of Harmony. As it stands, I am not really seeing any of them being good matches for any of the elements (except maybe Magic for Dawn as she is the only unicorn available with a magical cutie mark, as well as Honesty for Tart from a brief mention from Twilight that she couldn't tell a good lie to save her life). Without much knowledge of what the characters are like, being told that x likes y is just about completely irrelevant.

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    62. The best example of character development that I have seen in this story so far was the part where Dawn recounted her and Twilight's souls being bonded. You showed that Dawn does care deeply for her mother and isn't just going on this quest because the author thought it would be a great idea. This was great, and I would love to see more things like that. I feel that this bit could have been worked into the story a lot closer to the beginning, though. Not only would it have shown that she knew which way she was going from the beginning, but it also shows us that Dawn has a more compelling motive for rescuing Twilight than the otherwise rather hollow "slightly rebellious daughter seeks to be reunited with somewhat controlling mother" dealy that was all we had to go on for the first few chapters. Also, introducing it earlier and then referring to the locator ability it confers occasionally throughout the story would lend more of an impact to the moment when her direct line to Twilight suddenly goes dead.

      TL;DR: For the main characters: Less shipping, more introspection and plot-relevance. Character defining moments are a plus as well.
      For bits of story: Show, don't tell. Flashbacks are particularly useful for highly plot-relevant things that took place outside the normal time-frame of the story.
      On avoiding Deus Ex Machina or Contrived Coincidences: Maybe you could show us how the parents managed to find their way to the city that the kids were in. I would feel lots better about their convenient appearance there if you at least showed us how they got there. Maybe that could be in a side-story. (Random side-note of fridge logic: why the heck aren't the kids dads searching for them along with the mares? Pretty sure that Big Macintosh and Braeburn in particular would be quite anxious to see their children home safe and sound. You could probably explain this away as their being busy with something, but it does warrant at least a passing explanation.)

      Wow I suck at making a "TL;DR:". Sorry if I rambled a lot and nitpicked too much. I'm just trying to help you make this story more awesome. I am seeing loads of potential here, and the main thing that is holding this story back is that we don't know who these characters are or why they all decided to go and rescue Twilight Sparkle when none of the other colts and fillies felt the need to do so. Good luck with the fic, and please don't hate me too much.

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    63. Wow...that is one heck of a wall of text I just wrote. Sorry if I come off as a pompous jerk who thinks you can't write. That really isn't the impression I was aiming for.

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    64. One more thing I forgot to mention:

      Please do not ever have your own characters criticize your writing. It calls attention to whatever you may have done wrong whether we would have noticed or not. If you feel like you need to have one of your characters call out the author on something, then maybe you should fix that issue rather than trying to remover the curse from it via lampshade hanging.

      Also, you shouldn't feel forced to barrel the plot along. As long as it isn't filler (like some of the Lazle Thunder Dawn love triangle stuff) and you are showing us more about who your characters are or elaborating on a plot point, then it isn't wasted space in the fic.

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    65. I have to agree with Bugsydor and others, in terms that we absolutely need to know who these ponies are for us to care. There's certainly potential here, but we just don't seem to have much of a reason not just to care about the ponies, but also why the characters should, well, care about the quest that they are on.

      This is the hard part of writing OCs as compared to the mane six, one can't trust the audience to know what the characters are like, what the author visualizes them to be.

      You've taken a couple of steps towards that, but we need to see more. That being said, I do think there is potential here.

      Also, I have to agree with others. Don't break the fourth wall and have your characters critique your writing.

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    66. EXPLANATIONS PLEASE!?

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    67. Explain, movie! EXPLAIN!

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    68. It seemed to me like a really, really lazy ending. Like the author just got bored of the story and didn't want to continue it as long as it was supposed to be gone for.

      Still, the ending with Celestia took me by surprise.

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    69. Alright, I waited to finish the story before I passed any sort of judgment on it. That being said, I have just a couple of items that I really just have to critique here.
      To start off, it was a good concept. The audience could probably easily like a story involving the descendants of the mane cast. That being said, I feel like the audience was kind of robbed of that. I know that there was some attention given to character development, but it just wasn't enough. We're just supposed to assume that they embody traits of other characters in the show, and it just doesn't seem like any of them have any real character of their own. Basically all we know about Faith is that she likes dem fillies, all we know about Dawn is that she is stubborn and likes Thunder, and Lazuli is just Rarity 2.0. It's hard to be invested in characters like this. Plus, the point where Lazuli and Faith could have been developed (conversation about being a filly fooler) was completely skipped over with a lame "they talked" gloss over. When I saw that ending to the chapter, I facepalmed so hard that I had a red imprint of my hand across my face for the next hour. You just can't skip over those parts with characters who aren't yet defined to the audience. That is where we start to know and become invested in them. Oh, I forgot to mention Tart. That's not a good sign if characters in the main group are easily forgettable.
      Then there's the plot of this one. It started out as journey to find Twilight. Ok, good so far. They go into the Everfree Forest. Alright, still good. Just more time wandering in the forest. Meh, starting to lose me. They end up in the city. I'm starting to lose interest. Dine and dash incident. Ok, I realize that this is supposed to be development for Thunder. Starting to get interested again. Twilight with Midnight...I'm just out. The transition from the city to this point was just not natural it seemed. A little too quick and convenient. And then there's the whole Midnight is the father thing. I saw that coming a mile away, and it just seemed like a "so what" moment. Then the story's antagonist just poofs away and the conflict is resolved. It just feels like the entire story led up to the "I am your father" moment, and there was nothing else gained. I just felt like I spent a whole lot of time reading for a played out plot twist. Then there's the "I'm dying" from Celestia, which just seemed out of place as all hell, just an obvious cliffhanger leading to the next installment. Oh, and I kind of forgot the incident where they just find the parents. A coincidence like that just feels REALLY unnatural to a story. We did not even know the parents had really entered the city.
      I apologize if this review was just overcritical. I really am sorry that it's this way, but I just felt an overwhelming need to rant after a couple points in the story. I really wanted to like this story when I got the premise of it. I really thought new characters would be a breath of fresh air.
      To Hawky: I am truly sorry about how the tone of this review is almost antagonistic. Assuming that you build on this story with a second installment(which I assume the cliffhanger is leading to), I'll be reading it. My recommendation for this next one though is that you work on defining the characters more, and that you clearly define to yourself what you want the plot to be beforehand. I'll be looking forward to seeing how you improve in the future.

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    70. Honestly. EXPLANATIONS.

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    71. Uhm, somebrony care to write explanations? XD

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    72. Hey guys, I won't really be able to answer comments until I get back from vacation. So here's the deal:
      1) Yeah, the first volume sucks. I admit it. I'm a beter writer than this. I really am. This was started as a concept: "Hey, what would the mane 6's kids be like?" Then when Sethy posted it, I had to get a plot. Then I started adding characters I like. And basically, I didn't know what to do. I wrote myself into a hole. Then I got an idea. Unfortunately, from where I was in the story, I couldn't just leap to it. So the endings of the three stories here are build-ups to that.
      2) Volume two is better. Much. I actually have an idea on what I want characters to be like. I don't want to say too much about it yet, but you'll see. Hopefully you''ll like it better.

      So everything you guys have said is accurate. This has potential to be a good story, it was just done poorly. Just bear with me and trust that volume two will be better.

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    73. @hawkysu
      Oh, and I trust that the demand for an explanation is because of the final bit about Celestia. Well, I have one, but you'll have to wait. Hopefully it's good. If not, well, meh.

      " I'm a beter writer than this."
      >beter
      Apparently not. I blame foreign keyboards /excuse

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    74. *le reads*
      Holy crap, this is way better than what I was going to write... Well, better pick something else...
      And he claims that Volume One is... poorly written? Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu
      *le ends*
      What the crap? No! Continue the series!
      *le thinks about FanFic*
      Wait... I'm younger than this person... Works for me!

      [in conflict]
      resolution:
      pick another idea, and write it better.

      Well I guess I won't be writing my FanFic any time soon. My other idea is awesome though...

      Why am I commenting on internal thoughts?

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    75. @FlashAj325
      Trust me, I'm sure you can write better. You should totally write your idea. Even if it's similar-to-exact same plot.
      Just don't make the same mistakes I did. Make sure your characters are well defined, and you have some sort of plan for your plot.

      Please, write your fanfic. Hawky's first rule of writing:
      Write down every idea. Every. Single. One.

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    76. Alright, so Volume II is up now. As the author, of course I'm going to recommend that you read it. However, you don't need to read Volume I to do so. The recap will offer just as much insight.

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    77. @Hawkysu
      Well, here's to a brand new day! I'm hopeful this one will turn out better than the last.

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    78. where the fuck is Trixie?!?!!!111?!??!!one?!!!?

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    79. Any chance that these will be uploaded to FF.net or FimFiction? the old FF link is dead :(

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    80. Tried to read Volume 2, but got bored around Part 3. Good idea and all, but I just don't really like it.

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    81. @Akamaru01
      Fair enough. Thanks for giving it a shot.

      @Tangvaffel
      Possibly. My FF.net account got destroyed a while back, and I haven't really ever used FimFiction. Maybe.

      @Gypsy
      Everywhere!

      @Bugsydor
      *fingers crossed*

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