New: Woah. It's over? That's almost like a chapter of the fandom ending! In the end, it was 4 years and 2 months in the making, with whopping 1.7 million words. Hope you all are in the mood for some Fallout!
[Grimdark][Crossover][Adventure]
Author: Somber
Description: Forced into the life of a security mare, Blackjack is far more
interested in eking out what fun she can in the dim halls of Stable
99. All that changes as she becomes enveloped in a plot that not only
endangers her stable but the remaining world as well.
Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons (New Chapter 77-Epilogue!)
Additional Tags: Blackjack, P-21, Rampage, Lacunae, Fallen Incomplete Fo:E spinoff, Post-apocalyptic, Long, OC ponies, adventure
Comment Thread #3
Here!
Original story that started it all
here!
Fan Art below!
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| Source: Wavemasterryx |
4,999 comments:
i don't think lill pip can be on the radio all the time so it shouldn't enter fear with the main story
ReplyDeleteIt is an interesting denotion to think to ourselves how everyone immediately began wondering about Blackjack's stance with the Enclave or indeed, their own stance on Equestria. Those questions may have been answered to some degree, however the unexpected is always that most powerful of story moments. And unfortunately, the unexpected took the form of poor little Glory being the one to come off worst amongst this chapter.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I am getting ahead of myself, there is a full chapter to give feedback for first.
One observation I made in my last version of this reply before firefox ATE IT ALIVE was how this chapter plays out very much in theme to the "card game" mentality of your story. Who is lying, who is bluffing, whom holds the strong cards and whom should take a risk? Once again, it is horrifying to think that Glory took the burn and had the worst hand at the end. But the interaction of shifting alleigances and insecure emotions is very fitting to the themes Project Horizon brings. I applaud this feel of the story, especially as Blackjack being...frankly...as dumb as she is, is a good vehicle for the readers who are just as much in the dark outside of any genre awareness.
One thing I will note on the raiders. I feel that perhaps they are beginning to "name share." In both Kkat's Fallout and indeed the real Fallout, raiders are vicious thugs and murderers who simply take what they want and are out to (quoting 3 Dog) "make your life as fucking miserable as humanly possible." Whereas the raiders around the Hoof seem to be more in a vein of rage infected or reavers from Firefly. Now I LOVE that! It's a great twist and gives the area a unique flavour. However I feel perhaps in the interests of clarity, a nickname may emerge to separate them from "normal" raiders. I'm sure the Enclave may know of normal ones, even if BJ doesn't.
On a similar note, I love the Vertibucks. However they leave me with a small worry. I'd be amazed if Kkat didn't have them planned somewhere so I worry you may have overshot your reach slightly that may come back to haunt you. Yeah, I guess there are differing designs of them just as much as any army has different tanks for example. But it just crossed my mind as I was reading. I wouldn't call this a criticism, as I said, I loved your interpretation of them. Just I would hate to see anything of Horizon rendered (in my mind) "non-canon" because up till now, I pretty much see this as working perfectly in the same world. I still do think that, just it represents on potential "crack" area.
To all you ponies complaining about losing your impenetrable walls of text because of various brands of browser arseholery, I bid thee remember: notepad is your friend.
ReplyDeleteThe Enclaves motives I was VERY pleased to see are more than just "kill everyone" like in Fallout 3. Kkat gave a lovely little intro to them being a little more than that, as have you here in much greater detail. I applaud this. Good show. They are way more interesting this way. The itneractions of various philosophies and states of following orders is already deep and wonderfully fun to have to keep in mind. I like a story to challenge my brain to keep up with all the stuff.
ReplyDeleteBlackjack I should probably get to at this point. She continues to make me laugh, cheer or in some cases...facepalm. But then, that is why we love her. For all her moments of "not a clever pony" she gets some classically hilarious resourceful moments. Seeing her look over all the medicines, all of which could help her massively, only to resort to just using an oxygen tank as a club was utterly perfect.
It is worth noting that Littlepip has clearly left an impact on my mind. I visibly clenched when Blackjack saw Mintalls. We've seen the problems they cause already.
And I guess I should get to this eventually. Poor Morning Glory. I've said before, she is by far my favourite character for that naive little cute personality. So to have her so hurt, tortured and (somewhat implied) violated was heartbreaking. I could honestly feel my gut twisting at the branding, following by a rush of empathic rage with Blackjack going completely off the edge to hurl herself in there like an avenging angel.
Finally, that silver bullet is brilliant stuff in its sheer absurdity. It is so over the top that it actually becomes believable again as something absolutely crazy. I do hope they don't become "keep until obvious inescapable situation" bullets. However I trust you by now to know that hopefully won't happen. Great stuff.
I had a few typo edits, but in my message loss the first time I am afraid I do not know them. There was nothing huge, just a couple of literal typos like a forgotten "a" in a sentence for example.
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ReplyDelete@Bronode
ReplyDeleteBut then where is the rush of the moment when you click "post" to see if it loses it all? :p
I kid, you are right. Notepad is a wonderful companion.
Also, decided to get the feedback rewritten above (combo broken by Bronode, damn you!) for you Somber. As I said, I would consider it very rude of myself to not honour you asking for feedback. Hope it's the sort of think you like hearing, I apologise for it lacking the editing bits.
HAHAA! I am the combobreaker!!
ReplyDeleteYeah, sorry. If it's any consolation, it happened to me during the five-post megacomment I made a little while ago.
Chapter 13, let's see why Glory is with the enclave.
ReplyDeletePart: 1
"When Bonesaw had my samples and notes couriered to the Volunteer Corps...they immediately launched a search for me." The enclave is interested in Glory's notes, this can't be good, wonder what they were about.
The enclave has unicorns in service, ok.
"Due to the efforts of vocal and influential members of the community, like Morning Glory's father," Great, if this is true than he's either dead, or imprisoned. Poor Glory.
"And her discovery of the disease associated with raider behavior," WHAT!! THAT'S WHAT THOSE NOTES WERE! I completely forgot about that, this will have dire consequences.
"I'm sure Thunderhead will start working on a cure at once." Glory you idiot, there's not going to be a cure for anything on the ground. They're going to rain the disease down from the sky and let it kill everything.
"...the first raider appeared around the corner of the farmhouse...The tiny pupils, yellowed eyes and rictus grin took care of any other doubts." I can't help but feel that some of the raiders Blackjack runs into are closer to fiends than actual raiders. A fair amount of these characters make me feel like they've been taking large doses of chems.
"Even then, though, something was wrong: raiders didn't wear farm clothes...He cackled and drooled over the weapon."...It's a bloody control group. The enclave spread the disease over the area and now they're collecting their results.
Part 2
ReplyDelete"...but what shocked me was the amount of food I could see on the shelves..." So they can't just spread it through the air, at least not yet anyway, they're putting it in the food, they're giving out.
"To my amazement she scowled and smacked it right out of the air with her wing." Looks like somepony feels like they owe Blackjack. I hope stopping Blackjack from eating the diseased fruit didn't make them even, at this rate she's going to need a lot of help.
"Helping out Sergeant Wind Whisper helped in one regard: the remaining enclave soldiers seemed to back off a touch." Coud this be leading to a new companion? Well, it's definitely causing Whisper to think about things to some degree.
"We're both working towards the same end: protecting pegasi and helping the surface." Glory, please stop being stupid, you're making me want to knock some sense into you. You just basically summed up the enclave's agenda: keep the pegasi alive and their version of helping the surface involves wiping out all that oppose them so they can have full control of both the sky and the land.
"I don't know. It's above my paygrade or interest to know." Huh, enclave's keeping secrets between themselves. That's actually surprising to me. Does this mean she wasn't in on the poisoned food, then why did she stop Blackjack. Maybe she put two and two together.
"'Silver Bullet' appeared in my inventory." Well, it sounds deadly enough.
"...Minty Fresh appear..." Ah, so Minty's an enclave assassin. Guess I should have realized this the first time Blackjack ran into this invisible pony, since he demonstrated his ability to mimic voices.
"It doesn't affect pegasi!"...What? How the heck does that work out, I want an explanation later.
"...why the fuck does everything explode!" Funny, I feel that way every time I play a Halo game.
"What kind of gun asks if you want to fire?" A gun with too much firepower, that's what kind.
"We gave those farmer ponies that food three weeks ago when we got here...No, and I still don't." Looks like she did put two and two together afterall. Also, three weeks ago?! How long has the enclave been working on this! I wonder if the Megamart's okay.
"And with that the trio flew away." Okay no new companion, but maybe help in future.
Another good chapter and can't wait for the next.
Wow! So many comments. Ahem. I;ll respond in reverse order as I go backwards.
ReplyDelete@Fuzzy: If Vertibucks appear in FoE then this is a design exclusive to Thunderhead. Remember, Kkat always takes precedence.
Morning Glory was doomed from the start. To be honest, she was supposed to die in the hospital, but I felt she could offer so much more. Her trust and faith in the Enclave was her undoing. She thought they were all the same team. She never imagined she'd have to take one for the team... and now she's got to come back from that.
Blackjack is in a bad way, and I'm curious if anypony guesses why. She's going to a dark place for a while. Sorry. There's a light at the end of the tunnel.
The silver bullets have their place. And their price.
I imagine raiders as Firefly reapers too. Intelligence given over to pure madness and aggression. And anypony can become one in the right circumstances.
"I used him to fuck with her. You to fuck with him. Her to fuck with you." The Wasteland always wins.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@ Neverknown ,J2Max, Derpmind: Eeep! Um... thanks! ::Blushes, squirms, and hurries off to write the next chapter!::
ReplyDelete@ Sebiale: Maybe. And maybe. Know anyponies with those initials? Also, be aware... there is a price to be paid for awesome.
@ Zhi: Cowboy Bebop? What is this Cowboy Bebop you speak of. Ed does not know it! Write write Somber...
@Lugthor: I write to survive. Sometimes it comes very easily, like 13 and 6. Sometimes I fight tooth and nail. I've rewritten 4 pages of 14 now. When I burn out, I check out.
@ Bronode: Thanks so much for the errors. Wish you could be one of my editors. I hate making mistakes. And you're the first person to point out that using a raider interrogation method was a little fucked up.
Unfortunately between now and probably chapter 16... yeah. BJ is not a happy pony. She is a very angry, very sick, and very scared little pony.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteGlory isn't being stupid... or at least I hope that's not how I portray her. She's being trusting. But you're wrong about them wanting to have control of the land. If you think about why the Enclave exists, you know why they'd never want to wipe out the surface.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteReally? Thanks for sharing. Behind the scenes stuff like that is always cool.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteHey, if you want my services and there's nothing stopping you on your end, then just give the word and I'm there.
I can imagine a few reasons why Blackjack might be having a hard time for a little while to come, some involving the loss of Glory's cutie mark and the gross attack on one's very identity that that represents, and perhaps how that relates to a certain other pony she knows who happens to be in a similar situation.
I suppose her chosen method of information extraction might and really should come back to haunt her dreams a bit after the fact as well.
Then again, she did just jack herself up with a cocktail of three addictive combat chems, so I guess there's that too.
You probably aren't, I just have a habit of piecing things together and it irritates me when certain characters don't realize what I do, when I feel they should. Not to sound like a jerk but, I hope you'll enlighten me, in a later chapter, as to why the enclave is bothering with the distribution of the disease if they're not hoping to expand their domain. I'm very curious about the enclave's true agenda.
ReplyDeleteYou're a magnificent writer.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteRemember, Thunderhead and the Enclave aren't exactly the same entity. It's chiefly Thunderhead that we've seen here.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteI am pleased that Glory has lasted longer than then. I can see the obvious point where she was supposed to die, however it is nice to know you saw potential. She's a great character.
The "meant to die but kept on with obvious point where they would have died" reminds me strangely of the original Slayer short story by William King. It turned out well for him (at least until he went INSANE), and I am sure it will for you too.
I did mention Blackjack's little interrogation briefly in my last (wiped) feedback. Kinda wish I'd remembered to rewrite that bit. Oh well. But basically, it was saying that I was wondering if this is the sort of thing you briefly mentioned in the "story chat" when we briefly spoke. About BJ going down a dark path of actions and deliberations. Personally I am interested to see if this becomes her being what she hates because the Wasteland needs it...or if it will quickly become a story of seeking redemption as the story begins to head back to offering her a chance to show she isn't as bad as she can be.
Glad to know the Silver Bullets will return. Despite my little "worry" in my feedback, trust me, I did absolutely love the thing when fired. Could only imagine the look on BJ's face. (Or indeed, anyone in the general northern HEMISPHERE)
To lastly touch on the Vertibucks again, I do kinda hope that Kkat brings in a differing design. Alongside seeing her take on them, it'd be nice to have the Enclave owning various types of vehicles. It'd give you freedom to have variation amongst your vehicles too, should Horizons and FO:E still be both going at once.
@Bronode
ReplyDeleteSend me an e-mail to [email protected] and I'll authorize you to edit it.
Also you are right. The greater Enclave is probably annoyed like fuck at pretentious Thunderhead upstarts. But Thunderhead developed the lightning rods and a lot of other tech so their mavericking, while annoying to the Enclave as a whole, isn't something they can do alot about atm.
Okay Somber, email sent. Comment back if you haven't received it and I'll post my address; for some reason I seem to have a bit of a problem with gmail.
ReplyDelete@Fuzzy
ReplyDeleteIf Kkat does introduce Vertibucks and actually calls them that, we can just say that the ones around Hoofington are a different, either earlier or later model.
Oh, and I'm glad you like them; they were Somber's idea, but I did some work on the design.
@Hinds
ReplyDeleteYou got to the part with them, whipped out your engineering software, and spent an hour designing them! You are such an engineer! ::hugs::
He did the same thing when we got to the Hoofington Dams in ch 11. :3
Well, you've delivered a very pleasant afternoon so far Somber, thanks for that. I'll keep my commentary brief, because I'm doing this with mild time constraints.
ReplyDeleteGood:
Skull Pony v. Blackjack- "If you aren't a player you have to be a card" (possible misquote)was epic
Fighting Sequences- Suitably Epic
P-21: Crowning Moment of Awesome- Revealing that his Pipbuck cast the Stable 99ers in red...
Crusaders- They never cease to remind me of the Baker Street Irregulars. Blackjack's patch coupled with Foal at Heart.
Bad:
Self-pitying BJ- This had to be in there (or at least you made me feel as if it should), but it's no fun to read. The reader got that she was dealing with the emotional consequences of killing and that she wasn't bright, no need to continue pressing the points. Thankfully, the worst of this phase seems to be over (the Pecos and BJ on her own seemed to be the turning point)
Morning Glory- Yep, I appear to be one of the few readers who dislike her. Feels kinda cliched. Although the Chapter 12 revelations help somewhat.
Possibly the Most Epic: Was the use of the Marigold alias a reference to my favorite Steely Dan song?!?!?
Keep up the great work! 5/5 stars!
Noticed I overused the word epic a bit. Aw well.
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteActually, it's just modeling/animation software; I haven't needed to get a full CAD program yet, though that will change at some point.
I came to think of it as Morning Glorys life has just fallen apart as in everything she held close has been destroyed ex relation to the enclave, and the only confert left in her world would be Black jack and p21 due to them saving her and Black Jack during her traumatic experience
ReplyDeleteHoofington Reapers = Oakland Raiders?
ReplyDeleteFucking Brilliant!
ReplyDelete"Sweet fuckign Celestia why does everything explode? Why!?" ... because it's secretly a Micheal Bay film.
ReplyDeletei was abit worried comeing in to read a fanfic of a fanfic, but i loved FOE and thought id give this a go. glad i did^^ i like it almost as much as foe plus its like going through different play through's which is neat. great job on the story im really enjoying it.
ReplyDeletenow wat ive been waiting for, and its been bugging me alil since bj first left her vault, is something to address her "thoughts" about males. i saw a little of it in chap 12 and am looking forward to seeing her come to terms with it. because y'know, living in a vault like her's would make her very sexist towards males with the accepted mindset about them being "there only good for sex and nothing else". which is why its understandable she hasnt apologised to p-21 cuz it wouldnt seem like she had nething to apologize for except finding his hiding place. though bj has been very open minded about treating him like everyone else so far. also i hope that when they reconcile, they give him a name so he isnt "penis-21" which would always be a reminder of the vault and more specifically his time to be killed there. not that she has even realised she is still calling him by his mating que name.
alright thats enough rambling with bad grammar, keep up the good work^-^ lookin forward to the next chap
What is Hoofington based upon?
ReplyDeleteJust finished 6... very well done and I'm pretty sure that the part with the exploding box was a reference to the companion cube from portal which made me smile a bit. Apart from that, the way that you set up the hospital was something I would see in a horror movie and it really did creep me out a bit that robots had skin on them (mabye texas chainsaw massacre reference?) I look forward to continue reading your stories they are very well made, keep up the good work <3
ReplyDeletejust read all 13 chapters so far. in a few words, it's absolutely brilliant. Blackjack, Glory, P21 are all very complex and well developed characters, and it's not even finished. the story you're building up for seems just as good and complex as any professionally written books or shows i've seen.just added FOE PH chapter 14 to my list of "can NOT wait for", along with mlpfim season two and skyrim :]
ReplyDeletekeep it up!
@Brandeaux
ReplyDeleteDon't forget, this is a (brrrrrriliant!) fanfiction of an (impossibly) even better fanfiction. Here's the link incase you actually haven't found it before. You probably do know that, but the way you worded your comment does imply that you don't, so I'm linking just-in-case.
I have a number of ideas of some of the greater mysteries concerning Hoofington.
ReplyDeleteIn Fallout: Equestria Littlepip has a dream when she's a zebra experiencing the malevolence of the stars first-hand. Meteorites literally hit her in the head and devastate the (first?) zebra city/village that she's dreaming she's in.
In Chapter 11 of Project Horizons Blackjack is in the Museum of Natural history and sees the theory behind Hoofingtons past and how it used to be colonized by zebras - who were wiped out by a volcano.
BUT! Here's the thing. It wasn't a volcano that wiped out their village, it was the same meteorites/starfall that Littlepip dreamed of while in Zebratown.
This would explain a number of things. According to the legend Nightmare Moon was influenced by the stars and is seen as an avatar of the destruction that was rained upon the zebras. It makes sense that she was first seen in Hoofington as that was were the stars fell the first time. That would in turn explain the zebras apparent animosity towards the Hoof - the site of their heritage, defiled by Nightmare Moon and the stars? Better burn that place down!
It would also explain why the Hoof still has power. Ponies found whatever remained of the meteorites and discovered some magical power behind them (perhaps some of the same metal that the royal astronomer in FO:E was given by Luna?) and started using them, turning Hoofington into the industrial complex it is now. That process is still going, unhindered by the war, but is seemingly corrupted and thus the Enervation (depletion of life and magic) has come to exist.
Now how's that? :D Hopefully I don't ruin Sombers plans for the future of the story, but I gotta vent my ideas somewhere ;)
Also, here's something to cement my ideas:
ReplyDeleteQuote from Chapter 11:
"Suddenly, there was a pop and then a whirling noise from overhead; I jumped back, expecting a killer turret or something. Instead, a projector started to shine an image on a blank square of wall. The image was so grainy that I couldn’t make much out. Burned buildings to the sides, a pony crowd looking up at some sort of platform, and somepony addressing them. Then a buck’s staticy, crackling voice started to speak."
“I call on all of Hoofington, all of Equestria, and all of the free-thinking intellects of the world, to come to Hoofington and make the nightmare of the zebras a reality. To build a city devoted to the victory of all ponykind. To dedicate ourselves to unlocking the secrets of the stars themselves and make our enemies pay for their crimes!
@Melior
ReplyDeleteGuess you'll find out. It's an interesting idea. And sometimes I find uses for interesting ideas. Now I just have to figure out what to do with a volcano... !>.>
Oh, and that speech was really just a coincidence. But if there was anything that would cement animosity between the Zebras and the Hoof, it'd be that, wouldn't it? :3
@Somber
ReplyDeleteWow, just a coincidence? When I just re-read Chapter 11 the passages "nightmare of the zebras" and "secrets of the stars" really stood out to me. Considering Littlepips dream and some half-baked ideas I had it really started to make sense :D
Well, hope you find some use for my ideas then!
@Melior
ReplyDeleteMostly because of chapter 36 I bet. ::Gives a Rainbow Dash:: So awesome! Anywho, 14 is done. Just waiting on some brushing and copy editing. Apparently it doesn't suck as much as I thought it did.
@SomberFor real? I'm seriously considering staying up until it gets posted. 22pm here in Sweden, might actually be worth it...
ReplyDelete@Melior
ReplyDeleteI'd advise against that, I'm afraid; my college's fall semester has begun, and it's looking like I won't have time to finish the copyediting today. Hopefully I'll have time tomorrow, but, with all of the work I've already got, it's quite possible that I won't be able to finish until late on Friday, which means that it wouldn't go up until Saturday. Sorry; it annoys me too.
I Don't think im going to be able to sleep until it comes out its 8:10 pm in US ohio O.o
ReplyDelete@Hinds
ReplyDeleteHey, see if you can delay into the same day Kkat ends up delaying too! That way you're both perfectly late. :p
@neverknown
Derp? :D
Ack!!! I am such an idiot! I didn't mean to send Seth to add 14 to the queue. I thought it deleted. I'm so stupid! ::Curls up in a ball:: Sorry Hinds. Sorry everyone. I hope everyone forgives my terribad chapter!
ReplyDeleteOkay, I've added a warning to the top of the chapter. Unless/until Seth takes down the unfinished chapter, readers can consider it a look into a usually unseen stage in the writing/editing process. When we have time, Somber, myself, and Bronode will do our editing using Gmail chat instead of the Docs chat; that way we and the readers won't interfere with each other, and the editing can be completed. In the meantime, please enjoy this look into why copyediting is an important part of even the best raw stories and, if you're lucky enough to be reading when we do an editing session, a look at the process in action. I think that's a much better way of looking at the situation than seeing it as a terribad mistake.
ReplyDelete::Somber is a terribad pony.::
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteNo worries. The Fallout Equestria sandbox is probably one of the best things to come out of EqD. I'd be tempted to give it a shot of my own, if I didn't already have a multi-part story in the works.
Also, the sandbox is getting kinda crowded. It's such a rich vein of material and I've got so many ideas clawing to get out, but I'm afraid they would just get lost in the crowd.
On another note, you should try your hand at some comedy. I think it's the one genre I haven't seen you write.
And since we're apparently waiting for Ch. 14 to post, here's a random question for you, Somber:
ReplyDeleteDo you prefer writing in third or first person? How do you feel they are different? Are there times one is better than the other?
Curious minds, etc.
@Cold in Gardez
ReplyDeleteFirst person is most immediate and intimate. Third person has a little distance between the reader and the characters. IMO, first person is more difficult because many people don't like it, but also you're stuck in a single character. Third person you can look at other events.
Um... and I don't do comedy. I have some pretty heavy depression and there's some weeks where I don't even know what funny feels like.
Really. When Spiderses went up I didn't realize it was a joke.
I can't imagine how much time and effort you're pouring into this story. I can, however, see how much success you're having.
ReplyDeleteI have a single word: "Bravo."
I am a fan of both My Little Pony and Fallout, and seeing both worlds blended together so well is impressive, to say the least.
I'm proud of the work you've done and I eagerly await more. ^^
I guess I can give my thoughts on my little "preview" of Chapter 14. (I'll do 13... at some point. Need to sit down and reread it when I'm not swamped with work)
ReplyDeleteI liked a lot of the concepts here. The card-dealer is awesome, Rampage seems really cool (Though, for editing's sake you mentioned her name in narration before she was introduced), and the slow-mo fight scene was amazingly well-written.
My only big problem is Stable 90. If this was a Vault, I would have no problem with it. Honestly, this would actually make a great Vault. However, Stable-Tec is not Vault-Tec. Stables were intended to save Ponies, not preform ethically bankrupt social experiments. Scootaloo would never allow that experiment to be made, since it so obviously was going to just kill everyone inside.
Now, if Scootaloo didn't exactly have complete control over Stable experiments (or if the Stable was genuinely not completed in time) then it would be ok. It just doesn't seem like that happened though.
@PinkPutty
ReplyDeleteFlicking through my many open windows, I reload this page to update the comments. Suddenly SPOILERS! MY EYES ARE MEEEELTIIIING!!!!!! RUN AWAY RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!
:p
Luckily I stopped reading in time, so nothing bad actually happened. I will be interested in reading your comment after it's all done.
well shoot i just read the hole chapter not realizing it wasn't the final version. oh well I guess I will just have to reread it once it is released proper :)
ReplyDelete@Derpmind
ReplyDeleteHm, I just noticed there's no Spoiler Warning in the post up top like in FO:E. They probably should be adding that in :/
@PinkPutty
ReplyDeleteSigh. Really wish I hadn't screwed that up. Anyway...
You are correct that Stable 90 was not finished. You are also correct that Scootaloo would never have designated it an evacuation point. Therefore there may be something going on with 90.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteWell, consider my interest piqued.
Hopefully you dive into Stable 90 a bit more soon (Or just Stable-Tec in general).
Keep up the good work in the meantime.
Come to Page and see chapter 14 ZOMG then i see removed for now.....Y U TORMENT ME EQUESTRIA DAILY?
ReplyDeleteSo... I've tried to write up comments on chapter 9 twice. Both times I'd start to glance over it to gather my thoughts, and then instead ended up re-reading the entire chapter. After that second re-read, it was like every fiber of my being was screaming at me to just keep reading, that nothing except finishing this story mattered. Okay maybe not quite that overly dramatized... but close... This is such a fantastic story, Somber, with fantastic characters. It's right up at the top of my favorites alongside Fo:E.
ReplyDeleteChapter 9 (take 3):
I really wanted to laugh with what happens in the school; it's nicely worked and has quite amusing moments, but at the same time it just seems totally inappropriate to laugh now.
Even though it didn't really work out, in ejecting the magazine out of Lancer's rifle, Blackjack proves once again just how unfair fighting a unicorn can be.
It's somewhat amusing the two ponies Blackjack saves from the radscorpion don't question her wearing sunglasses at night - but I guess it's just like my sign language teacher once said, "If you're cool enough, the sun's always shining."
That lie detection spell... gives me all kinds of bad flashbacks, I'm glad Blackjack got through it alright.
Dusty Trail's reaction to finding out who Blackjack really is still makes me tear up.
More wanting to laugh but not feeling right about it from the group talking in the Mine Administration building, especially at Glory saying "F*ck me" and "Zappy zappy disintegration fun from above". Very flexible plan.
The fight with Gorgon is your typical epicness, I don't think I can elaborate much on that.
I'm just really glad that Gorgon's death broke the spell, even though it goes against everything I know from Dungeons and Dragons and somewhat skirts Fo:E canon (in which I assume Gorgon uses a different type of petrifying power from cockatrices).
All those zebra... I want to hug each and every one of them (except Lancer, he can go buck himself with his rifle)... but hugs can't cure dead...
Chapter 10:
ReplyDeleteFrom the start of this chapter up to the Macintosh's Marauders' memory orb, the entire thing is just so heart-rending and beautiful - but I think the parts that struck me hardest were Blackjack in and out of the orb during the surgery, and the "What do you want?" sequence.
(And then Pslam... I need to hug Pslam...)
As sad as it still was, the orb was still a break, the second half being only marginally less heart-rending than the first. Each time Blackjack thought "Be kind" in the middle of P-21's speech just stabbed into my heart.
I'm so glad Sekashi and her filly lived though... I think her explanation of why she can still be happy is incredibly moving.
Oh, and add Telekinetic Bullet to the list of things that is totally awesome, but feels wrong to be happy about.
Chapter 11:
This chapter could almost act as a nice reprieve from the previous, what how long has it been constantly escalating in heart-break and terror? (11 chapters, most likely). Anyways, if it wasn't so laced with sadness, it definitely could have been a reprieve chapter. Certainly Blackjack's littany of questions upon waking up is funny, and that fight in the Museum if I may echo other reviews, 'drunk Blackjack is best pony'. Yes, definitely add the Museum scene to my list of things that I really want to be happy about but it just seems wrong to be.
That ending though, that is sad beyond words.
Chapter 12:
I can almost hear them singing in the chapel... I think it made me cry just as much as it did Blackjack.
I'm so happy Sekashi and Majina are okay, but now I'm incredibly worried about P-21 and Glory (yes that story could use some more work to be funny, Sekashi). The talk between Sekashi and Blackjack about Priest, bringing back up Blackjack's upbringing in the Stable was a perfect set-up for her finding P-21's audio log later and well now I'm extremely anxious about what will happen when she finally gets to see P-21 again.
Poor Busted Legs and Nicked Jewels on that recording, I could almost laugh, almost.
Glueing the two pegasi to the floor... okay I did laugh at that, because it was hilarious. And yay for Blackjack getting replacement glasses.
The memory orb is tragic, like so much else in this story - but at the same time it's somewhat nice to see a continuation from the other memory orb, even given the circumstances; and even if it was a trap.
Chapter 13:
ReplyDeleteThe fact that the Enclave hadn't cared about Blackjack killing two of them had me on edge from the start. In fact from when she'd first arrived at Miramare last chapter you've been building this incredible sense of unease and escalating dread.
Ponies smiling too much, add that to the list of things I've been making from Kkat's story of things that are never good.
Ah ventriloquism spell, you never know just how terrifying those are until you're trapped in a cave full of invisible enemies that are constantly repeating everything your party says to each other. But Minty Fresh is off to a pretty good start.
At first I thought that impersonating Glory was just meant to lure Blackjack in to kill her, but no it was much, much worse than that.
"I shot Security" achievement; another thing it feels wrong to laugh about.
For being more of the 'charge headfirst' type, Blackjack is actually oddly good at infiltration. She also has quite inventive ways of dealing with power armor.
That Dashite, begging, trying to flutter her wings, I think a piece of me died.
And then it died again when they branded Glory. The fight with the Vertibuck was nice, and everything after that, but it was a little hard to read through the tears.
Everything died and came alive again when reading this story again for the 5th time love all the detail somber puts into the story （＾＿＾）
ReplyDeleteI'm plotting art.. so I'm digging through the story for character descriptions. Has there ever been a detailed description of BlackJack?
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@DotRookDot check this http://ponibooru.413chan.net/post/view/42532?search=blackjack its the closest i could find to what somber described
ReplyDelete@neverknown
ReplyDeleteI found that earlier!
I was just wondering if anyone had any in text quips as to what blackjack looks like.
I found one hint early on about her lifting p-21 onto her white shoulder but I've not much luck since there.
My mind's eye kept seeing her as a brown mare with deeper colored mane for whatever reason. So that drawing was.. slightly jarring.
really i never saw that pic i read that she had the same color scheme as the older fluttershy but with red and black spiky hair and when she removes her barding for the first time she has a white coat hope it helps
ReplyDelete@neverknown
ReplyDeleteIt does. Thanks!
Happy to help cant wait to see what comes of it :)
ReplyDeleteQuestion:
ReplyDeleteSo in chapter 10, I gather that the zebra have a few tribes about, mostly based on their individual villages that have sprung up much like pony towns did, living off of meager farmland and salvage/scrap. Many of these places probably do the same as ponies do. Trade for things they need from other villages.
These regular towns are submissive to the towns that are following the old edicts to wage war on ponies.
If this is the analogue to Caesar's legion, do they have a grand army ready to do war? Or do they mostly just send in skirmish bands to kick up dust while the rest of the army keeps the peace around the villages?
If they're more settled, what keeps them from attacking pony lands with a full army? Is there an NCR equivalent?
@DotRook
ReplyDeleteBlackjack is a white unicorn with black and red striped mane. Her eyes are amber (and glow). Her mane style is like a slightly chopped back rainbow dash. small horn. Queen and Ace of Spades cutie mark. Her security barding is blue and yellow.
Morning Glory is a light gray pegasus with a deep purple mane and lavender eyes. She wears a black enclave uniform that covers her forelegs to waist. Her cutie mark is... well... gone. Her mane and tail style is like fluttershy, only a touch shorter.
P-21 is powder blue with a navy mane, more like soarin in style. His eyes are a brighter blue. He only wears saddlebags. His cutie mark is a navy male symbol with twenty one white dots underneath in two rows.
@ Corwyn: You'll find out.
@: Wavemaster: Thanks for the lovely notes. Sorry chapter 13 was so bad. Hopefully 14 will be... well... maybe fifteen... 16? ::cries:: I need to send Blackjack to Ponyland for some RnR!
@Somber
ReplyDeleteArgh!
Debate put on hold for now then.
Well guess i got it some what close thanks somber have to say i read 14 before it was even posted that there was a mistake and i was blown over on how action filled and detailed it was cant wait to read it again with the corrections.
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteOh I wasn't trying to say it was bad, 13 was fantastic - it's just your characters are just as easy to get attached to as Kkat's, and well, perhaps some Cupcakes flashbacks with the Dashite - but even if I were given the option I wouldn't change a thing about that chapter.
Though it's too bad you don't write comedy (I can understand in a small way at least, suffering from my own frequent-but-minor depression), I'm sure Blackjack in Ponyland would make for an interesting non-canon side story.
I have no idea why... I just can't read this.
ReplyDeleteI have read every other side story and the main story arc but I can't read this one. Why?
@Sgt Muffin: because you somehow identify with blackjack more?
ReplyDeleteI actually hate this story a lot more becuase it feels more real to me, parts of the character of Littlepip, she was always just able to skate by, always made the plans, was the leader and was capable of being the leader. She got addicted to one drug and that was it..
I think about myself and how I'd handle the wasteland, if I weren't killed in the first I'd probably start getting addicted to drugs in order to... survive. Irony.
Regardless, I really like this side story, it seems like so much more of a tragedy at this point than FOE does.
Good work.
Jesus Christ this is getting Grimdark as all hell
ReplyDeleteI mean, I love it. I absolutely love it... but... Jesus...
@Jesse
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry! I'm sorry. I promise it'll get better. It's just this is a bad string of chapters! Really! I'm not trying to make it as grim as hell. Really!
This latest chapter was FANTASTIC! Blackjack's mental breakdown by stages was really well handled and very compelling. She's trying to hold it together for Glory, but I think Glory can sense that Blackjack is in worse shape than her, in some respects. The evolution of the reaper pony was great too - he's egging her on now, trying to get Blackjack to start playing to win instead of folding, isn't he?
ReplyDeleteAnd with Rampage, at first I didn't know what ot think but I was getting worried that she was just going to be a sort of cocky, cool character that wouldn't mesh well with the rest of the story, but that last line? Sent by the reaper? Damn, this opens up so many possibilities! I hope there isn't a cop-out, I hope something weird actually has just happened here.
I can't wait to see what happens when they meet up with P-21. That second recording wasn't nearly as bad as the first, in fact it's almost positive by comparison. It's a flashback to the thoughtless BJ who doesn't think about things on purpose, but at least she sticks her neck out for the guy. I wonder what the final one will be like?
By 'evolution of the reaper pony', I meant the Grim Reaper pony, who seems to have grown a face. I realise that the most likely explanation for Rampage is she was hired by a more prominent reaper than her, but I still really hope there's a connection to the pale pony BJ's been chatting with. I doubt that can happen, but hay? Stranger things have happened, right?
ReplyDeleteI was the happiest I'd been all week when this chapter came out! I like how you pulled of Blackjack's use of chems. The whole mintats issue with Lil'pip was about their effect on her personality and abilities, and her struggle with the addiction aspect.
ReplyDeleteBlackjack, on the other hand, used chems in order to cope and push herself far beyond her limit. She did this because because she felt guilty over what happened to Morning Glory, and thought she had to be there for her ALL THE TIME.
The irony is that her self destructive behaviour, even though it was done to protect Glory, either has or will cause even more emotional damage to her friend, as she senses Blackjack falling apart. She does not need a worrysome, stressed out, drugged up, sleep deprived, hallucinating, parched, malnourished, broken pony. She will believe Blackjack to be on th cusp of dying, which will make her emotional condition worse. She may even blame herself for Blackjack's behaviour, and that is not good. Really, the best way for Blackjack to help Glory through this is to take care of herself as well (not that she's going to realise this in the emotional state she's in).
So yeah, even though they both concerned drugs, Lil'pip's addiction and Blackjack's chugging of chemical cocktails are actually completely different, story wise.
One moment I particularly liked in this chapter was when BJ was shot right through (always good to give the audience a sharp jolt). What was even better was when Glory showed so much reluctance to use the chems that BJ has been chugging like an Irishman at an Irish contest. It was a VERY nice twist that played into the preconceptions possesed by those who have played the games. I remember going into tough fights and taking a chem combo similar to that, knowing that all I had to worry about was addiction. It was a sweet feeling when you reminded me that this world runs slightly closer to the real world than the game mechanics. Which is fine, I'd love for FO4 to have a chem system similar to this, where different chems taken together can combine in yoour body to have a usually negative effect. It would really make them much more interesting than simple stat buffs, and would add to the science skill immensely with lots of potential for POSITIVE chem combos! :D
And now I'm going to be a greedy little pony and ask what time we can expect the next chapter. For I am desperate to fill the FO:E hole in my life (a hole that did not use to be there) and you sir are one of the few who can do so! (Keep in mind it's 12:52 AM on a Saturday over here, so saying it'll be out on Sunday or something would be an answer as clear as dirt.)
Signed
Your Adoring Fan
P.S
What does it take to post a comment around here? I had to create a LiveJournal account to get this through, so you better answer it Somber, OR ELSE!
You know, I'm going to come out and say that the levels of darkness in the story are JUST what I love to see. Not because I'm a sadistic reader, far from it, but I believe that FO:E shows the story from a perspective of heroes. They generally tend to have bigger allies and better chances. This is awesome as we all know, reading of these heroes of the wastelands.
ReplyDeleteHowever you're doing something different here. You've brought the scale down and are showing just how much the wasteland can screw with someone or hurt them and those they love/care about. That feeling is very important to nailing the setting, I feel. As such, I applaud the courage to put them in. She's going through a bad time, every character must at some point in this world it seems. But the story is stronger for it. As Blackjack says herself, not too long ago, things had felt as though they were going according to plan for once. But one bad hand in a game of cards and well...
That out of the way, let's discuss the Chapter. First off, lots of Blackjack/Glory interaction. Awesome. Love Glory's character, loved seeing that you didn't represent her as angst. But rather a far more realistic "numbness" that can overcome someone when they feel violated. I feel she may have bounced a little too far from what she was, although I could put this down to her general optimistic personality aiding her recovery.
The appearance of a Stable was somewhat of a surprise. Usually they represent significant story elements. But to find a near empty one that held very few valuables and only a sad little tale...I guess it's refreshing to an extent. That said, I can't help but feel that the tale of "choice" to live or die may come back as a little quotation to reverberate in Blackjack's head. Call that my guess. :p
I felt the gunfight including the Pecos was perhaps a little superfluous to the chapter. It seemed to have little real purpose other than to bring up Blackjack's physical deterioation which could perhaps have been included in greater amounts from her fall later on off the road (which seemed pretty inconsequential). Combining these may have helped, seeing as you had a great gunfight later on anyway. The song was a little hard to "get", given the beat and tone of it is of course, unknown to the reader. However I greatly admire the effort you went to in order to work it. The lyrics seemed to have thought to what was going on. I always applaud such efforts in storytelling to try something a little different. It may work, it may not. Depends on the reader. But the important thing is you were willing to take the plunge and go for it. :p
ReplyDeleteThis may not be in order, but diverting a little back to near the beginning. I felt you did a great job showing the immediate aftermath of the horrors of Chapter 13's ending. Adding in a little spike of dark humour here and there like from the General was very handy to keep the writing more buoyant and interesting. I highly encourage this sort of stuff, the good within the bad, rather than the bad within the good. It's an underlying optimism amongst grimdark. Great stuff.
Also, I'm pretty sure Blackjack is going to BLEED drugs by next chapters. She might someday find blood in her drug stream. I cannot imagine what that cocktail is going to do to her. The alcohol drinking as she took them early on can't have helped. I do wonder if she's developing an alcohol problem going by the way she viewed it as a pacifier of her mind...
Good chapter, Somber. As always, I shall leave below any tiny little typos for potential editing for future readers.
PS - Loved the little Littlepip inspirational reference!
---
"One Pecos ignited as the energy slowly transformed him into a crumbling cascade of ash." - One Peco
---
"You don’t want to get an infection on of everything else." - On top of
---
“Oooh, Gimmie!” - Gimme shouldn't be capitalised
---
"Unfortunately,, we’d barely been travelling for an hour when the Fixer wore off." - Commas instead of periods, also ellipsis has 3, not 2.
I highly anticipate future chapters, Somber. Consider my thumb still firmly up for your story.
@ Dr Q: I'm pretty sure these are the darkest chapters I have planned... I wish there was some way to sugar coat it but writing these is like walking on glass. I just need to get to the other side. I can't imagine how bad reading it is.
ReplyDeleteYou're right that in trying to save Glory, Blackjack is destroying herself. Her inferiority has convinced her that she is ultimately disposable. If Glory survives and she can face P-21, then she's happy. She just needs to face P-21.
LilPip only needed one drug because she only needed to improve on aspect of herself to prevent herself from failing. Blackjack isn't nearly so smart. She needs Buck to be strong and tough, Steady to deal with her tremors, Med-X to deal with her pain, hydra to try and calm her heart. If she had booze she'd be drunk 24/7 right now to not feel so shitty... and then she'd kick herself for being irresponsible.
In short, her insecurities and deficiencies are much greater than LilPip faced. She had Velvet to heal her and Calamity. She had Calamity whole, tough, and hardy. She didn't have to be responsible for Calamity being whole and safe nor wonder if Velvet was going to kill her the next time they met.
What bothers me is that I can't seem to dial it back. I don't want Horizons to be Fo:E turned up to eleven. I want it to be a serious story that stands up on its own. But, to do that, I got to get past sixteen.
::Attaches a warning:: "Chapters 13,14,15,and 16 may be hazardous for your emotional health."
Mmmm... and probably Sunday or Monday depending.
Thanks for the warning. I'll keep me from feeling too horrible knowing there IS something over the horizon other than just another kick between the legs.
ReplyDeleteStill love this project though even if it gets rough with the poor girls head... alot. Afterall... a good protagonist must Suffer... but dang you pile it on.
The one thing I'm wondering though.
ReplyDeleteHow many caps -are- there in the world?
Is someone manufacturing new ones? That was a side-quest in NV wasn't it? Something related to the kings' sidequests.
Because 200,000 caps? Something's making me think BJ got help at the last minute because Deus' boss can't afford the reward if she was brought back alive.
Sure I doubt they'd ever -pay- that even if someone did deliver BJ tied up in a box alive. But the specter of, "Oh hell, what if someone does do this after all this time? Do we want her alive on our doorstep? Deus' medical expenses alone was half the original bounty..."
Though I think Rampage may be the one who took out that first ambush spot in the prior chapters.
You idiot, why did you take the chemist perk! Those things nearly killed you already! Ugh, jeez!
ReplyDeleteStop being so stupid Blackjack!
I'm really liking this one so far. Read up to chapter five. I see a distinct similarity to the original Half-Life and it's spinoff Opposing Force. Little Pip is a lot like Gordon Freeman, always trying to do good while making the world a better place simply out of a reflexive drive to push forward.
ReplyDeleteBlackjack is like Shepherd from Opposing Force, a little more calloused, selfish, and careless. And I like that. Blackjack does have some moral qualms when getting others killed, and will try her best to prevent bad things from happening to others. But her overall drive seems to stem from self preservation, and really, in the Equestrian wasteland, I find that motivation a lot more feasible and opens the door for a heck of a lot more action.
When Little Pip goes into battle, she's just running through the motions, doing what Steelhooves describes as 'simply doing what's right.' Blackjack gets a thrill out of the fight, she seems a bit crazy, but I can see her personality allowing for an even more frantic, grandiose adventure as her personal motivations leave the Equestria Wasteland way more open for her to roam around in.
Anyway, just wanted to jot that down. Keep up the great work! On to chapter six!
Just as i thought chapter 14 was great cant think of any thing that would make the next chapter even better good job somber. also im thinking of starting to write something myself thanks
ReplyDelete@Corwyn
ReplyDeleteFun fact! Over 37 billion bottles of coka cola are sold in a year. In ONE year.
Obviously, FO:E's Sparkle Cola probably didn't sell quite that much, but even so, it's a good benchmark for how many caps could be out there.
@David ya know i completely agree with you i never thought of it that way though. anyways never checked if the minds updated
ReplyDelete@KingTwelveSixteen
ReplyDeleteHAHAH i laughed hard when the chapter ended. After treating chems like candy she only gets what she deserves but i must ask what brought upon such a rapid change in behavior. XD
Shes gone from taking a buck when in need to. DRUGS ARE IN EVERYPONY! While i do get she never respected them much in the first place this is kinda wacked. xD
Hey Somber, is there anywhere I can contact you privately? I've a number of questions I'd like to ask you about your story.
ReplyDelete@Varanus
ReplyDeleteAre you referring to glass-bottled with metal cap Cokes or various-sized plastic types? Because I always saw 'bottles' and thought the glass design rather than plastic ones since caps were the thing collected.
Plastic bottles and their caps would last awhile too, though I can't imagine their contents being drinkable after all this time helping the material around them biodegrade.
@Crimson Valor
ReplyDelete[email protected]
I'll answer others later. I'm just on a roll with 15.
I enjoy that this updates faster than I have a chance to read it. It's like as soon as I get a chance to sit down and read the latest chapter the next one has come out.
ReplyDeleteI dunno, but with all the drugs she's pumping into her system, I don't think she's really putting that fresh intelligence point to good use.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I haven't read the comments yet (I've only just now gotten up to the current chapter), but I hope it isn't just my mind telling me about the occasional Firefly references?
ReplyDeleteHey Somber, is Leo's rifle a prototype or not? I noticed the beam's still red.
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteNo! nonono!
Please don't apologize! I used to think i could write (Protip: I can't) and one of my main problems was that I could never get my audience (or even myself) to empathize with my characters. Sure, things happened to them, but it was just a series of events and at the nd of the day you did not really care what happened happened.
You, on the other hand, have made me come to empathize so, so strong with -all- of your characters. I found myself crying when I wen't ot be after reading the latest chapter, because I was trying and failing to imagine just what BJ might be going through, to have all that she had ever known and thought to be correct upended, and made to realize that she is, for all intents and purposes, a Rapist. It was just... Don't apologize, and to be honest, you don't even need to make it a happier Story. Dark isn't bad, its just sad at times.
And if you still need reassurance, let me say that after this chapter I went back and Read your story "Second Impressions" and loved it. It cheered me up a Bit. Keep up the fantastic work.
tl;dr: You are an Amazing writer, keep being amazing, keep writing. I am a pansy sissy-man with No control over my Emotions.
Sigh, my other problem was that I can't spell.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry for raping your eyes with that badly worded freight train.
I think i will have to read this after finishing the original Fallout Equestria
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteI'm ok with the going crazy and mega-grimdark of these chapters because of how it's done. I've never felt a connection to a character in any story, even FO:E, like the one I can feel with Blackjack. I'm not watching her slowly go insane, I'm right there going insane with her understanding exactly why she feels the way she does.
When I read Chapter 34 of FO:E, I watched as the righteous fury of Hell followed Littlepip. I wasn't really affected by the realizations she had nor did I come to the same immediate conclusions she did. I wasn't truly affected by that chapter until I read the message from Homage.
But ever since Chapter 1 of this story, I've felt connected to Blackjack. (I'm not certain whether it's because of your style of writing or because of how similar I believe I am to Blackjack, but without good writing, I wouldn't be able to know the latter. So there's no doubt that a lot of credit needs to go to you for that. But now I'm rambling.) Early in the story, I was bored right along with her. I realize that's not a feeling you usually want to impart on a reader, but it was still a success in achieving an emotional connection between the reader and character.
Throughout each chapter, I've very easily been able to follow Blackjack's thoughts almost as if I knew beforehand where they were going, and that only comes through a deep understanding of the character, something only an excellent writer can provide. FO:E PH Chapter 6 hit me much harder than FO:E Chapter 34, and I was flat-out clinically depressed for two days after reading Chapter 34.
Also something you've done very well are the flashback scenes. Not the memory orbs, but the actual crazy-induced flashbacks. Between personifying the Wasteland as the bony buck, the endless superb metaphors, and the PipBuck recordings about P-21, and the constant images of all her massive screwups, you've clearly shown why she's going insane instead of just saying "And then she went insane".
I'll preface this final part by saying that all I've done for the past six hours is read the last 5 chapters of this story, so my mind is kinda shot and my eyes hurt and I'm not thinking absolutely clearly - all of which could be the actual cause for what I'm about to say.
Something you might want to look at is the pacing of the story. In the last two chapters, namely the parts in the museum and then again in the Enclave building, I was getting a little lost in the story. Like reading something and saying "HUH?!" and having to go back a bit and re-read things. That could either be due to my tired eyes or because the story might've been going just a tad too fast in places. Or it may just be intentional skimming over small details early in the chapter only to shove them in your face on the next page to say "Ha! Didn't expect this, didja?!"
Alright, I'm back, now with 100% more profile.
ReplyDeleteLet's see.
I'm going to write this all back as my memory feeds it to me, so prepare for a good deal of skipping about, with potential fence sitting and squee in the forecast.
First off though, I finally found something I can say I think you did wrong. And it's not even something most people would think twice about. Anyhow, so sometime in the amount of time it's taken to get the last two chapters written, I finally pinned down Blackjack's cutie mark. And it jarred me.Not because the to cards thing was off, that's perfect. In fact I'm pretty sure it's just me, but those are the wrong two cards. During my brief and entirely unmemorable spate of comments, did I mention my playing card thing. I have a thing. Not quite an obsession, but more than a love.So yes, I think entirely too much about playing cards. Also Tarot cards, because they're awesome. Bad Everhopeful! BAD! Back on track, The ace and queen of spades is a truly awesome blackjack hand. 21 and all that. My problem is this. I know entirely too much, or rather think entirely too much. The Ace of Spades carries connotations of power, being the most powerful card in the deck in most games and all that. That much everyone knows. What everyone does not know is... oh damnit. You really don't need to read this. I'm overthinking it. But if you want to... well...
Spades is not blackjack's suit at all. The modern suit of spades is descended from the ancient/Tarot suit of (nonsequtorinbound) Swords. Swords is the suit of thinkers. It also carries sinister connotations/bent. Blackjack is neither sinister or a thinker. So that's why that sits badly with me. Not to mention the Queen of Spades. She's about as un-blackjack as you can get. That's a bad-luck card. Ever played hearts? I suppose not. It's bad all over. She's a mean ol' one, the Queen of Spades. She's ruthless, calculating and a bearer of ill will. (Oh god I'm personifying a playing card, what am I doing?).
So if you've read this far, the question no doubt on your mind is how I'd do it. Because well, I think too much and it's really perfectly fine and... screw my social anxiety. Seriously. Anyway. To me Blackjack's the ace and queen of clubs. Will, passion, power and hitting things. Sure it's not as striking (No pun intended) as The Ace of Spades and the Queen of Spades, but it's more like Blackjack in my mind.For bonus points, the suit of clubs correspond to the element of fire. Blackjack is all about hitting and burning. The only part that's off about is it's generally more closely tied to males. But given Equestria is fairly gender inversed, I like to think that it's the other way. Certainly P-21 is totally hearts. Not the king, but the jack. And the Ace of Diamonds to go with it. Now I'm just doing this for my own amusement, but Glory feels like the Jack of Spades and The Ace of Hearts. If you're still reading and following my logic there may be no hope for you.
Wow. That was the worst rant ever. It's not even an error. It's just me. Anyway, onto stuff I love before I pass out on my keyboard.
Part 2 incoming.
Part two.
ReplyDeleteRAMPAGE! Oh-ho. Blackjack's guardian angel isn't only an angel of death, she's a reaper. A serious thing for blades too. I'd love to know where her armor comes from, but there's more than enough time for that later. All that said, sounds like the reapers are experiencing a little bit of internal conflict. The Hoof screws with everything.
As for what you did to Glory, well, I can't say I didn't see it coming. One day I hope glory can bring herself to wear the Dashite mark with something resembling pride, even if she didn't chose it it's now part of who she is. She really did not deserve what happened.
The zodiac are going to become regular comic relief aren't they? Hehe. I feel sorry for them, they're brilliant schemers but when Blackjack looks at schemes, they just kind of break.
Ante Up. Blackjack keeps saying it. But she's played enough card games in her time to know that you can't win if you keep playing the ante. You have to be willing to bet. Hope she figures that out fast.
The Dealer... oh boy. I love him. Not good, not evil just... indifferent. The house always wins.
I have so much more to say but I've forgotten it all. The only thing left at the moment is this... The Hoof. For all it's deadly mysteries, I can't help but feel it's not actually trying to keep the new world out. I think its trying to keep the old world in. There's something in there. Sad and terrible. The factions that scrabble to try and understand fail to realise that somethings are just better left alone.
Alright, that's it from me for now. Expect me to come back when I'm not quite so tired and scream my head off about how terribly written and pointless this post was. As much as I despise my thinking self, he's bound to have some good points about the story though. So that should be good.
For now, it feels important for me to tell you to keep writing. Even if you doubt yourself, never doubt that what you've achieved so far is impressive and excellently crafted and I'm sure what's to come will be even better.
If you ever feel down on your writing, yell at me. I've got some horrible stuff I've been writing for the FoE universe.
ReplyDeleteI have no idea where it's going but the vague ideas are greatly entertaining until I start writing it.
Well. Make that one MORE chapter I'm behind on.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I just want to say that the reason I think Blackjack is so easy to connect to is how flawed she is. She isn't the smartest, and she makes a lot of mistakes. But, I think this helps us like and emphasize with her.
That and her being just OH SO MUCH FUN when drunk and angry. That helps too.
Thoughts on the latest chapter:
ReplyDelete1. Wow, Blackjack is really screwed up. I wonder how much of that is the chems, how much is guilt, and how much is true insanity? She really needs some friends. And detox. And a few weeks of downtime. Yeah, that last one will never happen.
2. Now that's an overdose. Maybe when the medical prodigy tells you that something has a decent chance of killing you, you should tell them that you're already on a dose, instead of demanding more poisons to mix it with.
3. Oh I like Rampage. I really hope that she doesn't turn out to be evil.
And in response to previous comments:
ReplyDeletePlease don't try to turn it down or sugarcoat it. One of the best things about this story is how it deals with pain, trauma, and mental problems in a way that not only feels real, but pulls the audience along with. I'm definitely hoping for things to get better, but trying to soften the ride to recovery would defeat the purpose.
You know, after having read so much of yours and Kkat's work, Somber, it's so hard go back to reading "adequate" quality anime fanfics... confound these ponies...
ReplyDeleteChapter 14:
Maybe my memory is just terrible today, but I read this chapter this morning and thinking back on it during the day (while I wasn't able to work on writing up my comments) I didn't remember crying - I knew it was sad, but I thought it hadn't been that sad. Looking it over to think about what to comment on... I was so wrong.
Ever since Blackjack first got the shot of Buck from Dr. Bonesaw in chapter 5 I've been a little worried. I should have been a lot more worried, I never thought something like this would happen.
Watching Blackjack falling apart was hard, especially with how hard she is trying to help Glory. Slamming her head into the side of the terminal hurt the most, because it reminded me of when Pinkie Pie does it with her mirror in Pony Psychology: Schism (one of my favorite chapters from that fic).
When she snaps at Glory after the fight with the Pecos could be a close second though - oh who am I kidding, this whole chapter hurts, but it's so beautiful at the same time.
Part of me wants to make some stupid meme joke to cover up the pain but those notes from Buttercup hurt too much to joke. I want so badly to know what her last words were, I think it made me cry more than anything else this chapter.
Okay, I'm better now... Blackjack getting shot through by the laser was, alarming, for lack of a better word - especially now that Glory knows about the chems Blackjack has been using.
The fight with Leo Zodiac was well done (interlacing the battle scenes with song lyrics seems to agree with you quite well). I... I really want to like Rampage, except I'm beyond worried about what next chapter will bring.
@Corwyn
ReplyDeleteYou too, huh? Confound these fanfics.
@Chapter 9 wow Somber, only you could make an Alien Resurrection reference in a MLP fanfic this entertaining.
ReplyDeleteInteresting...
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeletehttp://dotrook.deviantart.com/art/FoE-Horizons-Blackjack-254088145
Blackjack!
I'll probably draw the others tonight or tomorrow.
ReplyDelete@DotRook
ReplyDeleteWhite body hair? I thought she had black body hair.
@RainbowYoshi
ReplyDeletenah, she refers to her coat as being white several times.
@Steve
ReplyDeleteYeah, new Stable idea, twist on the overseer, reasoning for the stable, heroine and reason for her leaving.
I've a lot of editing issues with my past/present tenses as I tend to wander and ramble.
Also: Why doesn't someone ask about updating the picture for the story? DotRook's new Blackjack pic would make for a better filler than Calamity. Nothing against the pegasus, but he's not in this story.
ReplyDelete@Corwyn
ReplyDeleteidk, maybe seth is waiting on somber to approve it or something.
@Corwyn
ReplyDeleteI imagine that's something Somber would have to ask for. It's no biggie though!
I was actually working on something that would work better as a tittle image but my special effects and text manipulation skills leave a lot to be desired.
I'm commissioning cover art for it. n.n But that's a really great solo picture! :D
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the comments, I'll answer them asap. I'm almost done with 15! It's going to be a touch long but I hope it'll be awesome! ::Crosses hooves.::
@Corwyn, re: writing
ReplyDeleteI went and pulled inspiration from Vault 68 and 69 for Stable 67 (mind you, I can alter this number if it conflicts with any other Stable numbers). Similar to being full of 999 women and 1 man or 999 men or 1 woman like the Fallout Canon vaults, I went with 999 earth ponies and 1 unicorn mare. Cut to $number_of_years later, Things Happen in the Stable,
I only have 8,631 words so far, not counting the notes and brainstorming file, but I'm adding to that as time goes by.
Argh, brainfart. "Things Happen in the Stable, etc..."
ReplyDeleteYou know, I kinda want them to give P-21 a name.
ReplyDeleteAn actual name. P-21 just screams "Robo-Pony to me".
Unfortunately, I'm no good with names, so the best I can come up with is "Pete". Yeah.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteNew chapter almost done? Already? I continue to be in awe of your writing ability. I don't know of anyone else who can put out this quality this rapidly.
On a vaguely related note, if this one was as painful as the last... ::hug::
@Steve
ReplyDeleteAlways be editing.
Must be some writing-related quote.
Yeah I don't know how many words I've gotten to. I have a ton of backhistory 'logs' for the main character to listen to. Then I have two chapters, about 26k each, though chapter 2 is still incomplete and chapter 1 needs expansion on some background characters to make them more than passing names.
It's hard creating characters and trying to make them something memorable just for them to die later.
@Sindri
ReplyDeleteTHE PAIN WILL BE MORE THAN REAL.
If Somber's comments are anything to go by then Blackjack has not yet begun to suffer. I just hope she lays it all out to Glory before it's too late.
I know it's still a little ways off yet but I'm surprised more of you aren't worried about the impending shitstorm when P-21 comes back into play; he's been spending an awful lot of time with a certain embittered unicorn who hasn't had the benefit of Blackjack's civility. Gotta wonder what kind of poison he's been filling P-21's head with.
@Bronode
ReplyDeleteGiven Blackjack's current condition, I'm more worried about her getting to the reunion for now.
I think that the reunion, while clearly going to be painful for all involved, will make things better. P-21 was clearly aware of everything she'd done to him in the past when he called her a friend in chapter 8, and I doubt that either her refusal to detonate the mine boss or talking to U-21 can do more emotional damage than years of rape.
And nobody except Somber is allowed to crush those hopes!
ReplyDeleteWith Rampage looking after her, I'm not so worried about Blackjack's immediate health.
ReplyDeleteP-21 might be willing to call her a friend but that fathomless pit of boiling black rage is still bubbling beneath the surface; at the time of their parting, he still wasn't safe with firearms around Blackjack.
I just don't see a reunion ending with anything but shots being fired unless Blackjack lays everything she did at Glory's hooves, explains why she did what she did and why she never questioned the way things were (her being a stranger to exercising her brain goes a long way to explaining this), then (somehow) earns her forgiveness for that and finally uses her to calm P-21 down so she can talk things over with him without getting a bullet in the noggin for her trouble.
Blackjack's a lot more of a badass than Littlepip, but she still needs her friends. I just don't think this is something she can do without a lot of help from Glory.
I'm ain't trying to crush any hopes here, I'm just saying things are gonna get a whole helluva lot worse before things get better.
Hey, who knows? Maybe things will turn out even better than a reconciliation between just two ponies. Maybe U-21 will be able to do some healing too. He's as much of a victim as P-21 is, if not more so.
sigh. Ch 15 is finished. It's developed a case of chapter cancer... but like Kkat I didn't want to break it in half. I wanted to end it where it ends. So apologies to everypony.
ReplyDeleteawesome fic ^^
ReplyDeleteAnytime you're ready Somber. Send me the link and I'll get to work.
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteSorry, not allowed. You are providing some of the finest literature available, free of charge. You are not allowed to feel bad about writing in a way that works for you and simultaneously providing us with more wonderful reading material, and I'm sure as hay not going to accept an apology for it.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteAn apology for taking time to write a longer chapter than usual? Or for it going down the sad/dark street further than usual?
Really no, don't apologize to us. Thank you for putting all this energy into entertaining your group of fans and letting us indulge in your fantasy, even if it does go into dark and unsettling places.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteKnow this, your actions will have consequences! By posting longer chapters, you invite longer comments/reviews! Which means you'll have more to read through to see what people think - you shall suffer for your crimes!
*cackles evilly before breaking down into a coughing fit*
But no, seriously, a story this good could hardly be called a "cancer" for any reason. I'll be looking quite forward to 15 being out soon.
Just read through to chapter 10, I am really putting way more time into this than I originally planned. Was aiming for 2 chapters a day, made it 4, and probably going to down another 2 just to leave some more adventure into next week.
ReplyDeleteSo I stated previously that I found Blackjack to be more calloused and such, but after chapter 10, I'm going to have to take that back a bit. I'm glad to see that she's becoming a generally more heroic character as the influences of the past ("Be Kind") are taking a hold in her mind.
The visual of comparing every venture through the wasteland to playing a round of cards is particularly effective, and I hope to see it carried through even further. Now that chapter 10 has really solidified it, I'm not going to be murmuring "Ante Up" at the beginning of each chapter.
Suffice to say, Chapter 10 did a good job at bringing the physics of the plot together. You win some, you lose some, it's all a game, and the wasteland is the house.
I'm also tempted to make a custom T-Shirt with the male symbol and 21 dots beneath it. Kind of a secret message that not even most bronies will get. But hey, if you're able to make me defile my own clothing, you get points for making an effective story.
There were a couple instances, if I may give constructive criticism, where I was uncertain who was talking. This mostly happens when characters who have not been introduced yet in a scene start speaking, which forces me to reread a previous line. If I may make a suggestion to keep in mind, take the two lines.
"Well hello there, beautiful day today!" declared Unintroduced Character walking through the door.
Walking through the door, Unintroduced Character declared "Well hello there, beautiful day today!"
Something I learned in a college creative writing class is that if a character begins speaking but hasn't even been introduced yet, whether by name or just a muffled voice on the other side of a wall, they need to be introduced and set up for conversation before the speaking line is written.
Pt 2:
ReplyDeleteAlso just a little grammatical thing I noticed, particularly in chapter 10 when the Zebra is telling her stories...if a speaking line is broken up between two different paragraphs, you don't put a close quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph. That way, you know it's the same character still speaking when the next paragraph begins.
I also noticed that Blackjack suddenly crushes on P-21, but I didn't really pick up a transition into it or any event in particular that caused it. Maybe I missed something (anybody please enlighten) but that line in her dream, when P-21 asks what she wants and she says "You" caught me a bit off guard. For example, maybe throwing in some little foreshadowing lines describing his posture, maybe comparing it to that of Big Macintosh from the memory orbs, something like "P-21 looked at me, and with a dream-like opalescent flash I was under the stars by the lake," something that maybe ties him more to an event associated with affection. Maybe the 21 dots under his cutie mark also summon the starry imagery from the memory orb, something like that, all just hypothetical examples. Because as it is, I find it believable, even plausible considering the very circumstances of them being thrown into the wasteland...but I still didn't get the feeling of there being a certain event, a certain feature, that thoroughly foreshadows this sudden feeling Blackjack has for him.
Then again...she could just be one who is easily swept by the superficial impulses of lust. And maybe everything I'm gabbing about previously is, in itself, foreshadowing for something in the future. Something I learned from KKat is that you can't really give proper criticism without knowing the full story. So I'm trying here, I really am, but I bet that just like KKat, you'll prove that I'm simply wasting my breath and deliver a plot twist so wrenching I'll learn to just keep my howling screamer shut and let the author remain at the helm.
I was wondering if we could get the "Spoilers in Comments!" warning put up for this story too.
ReplyDelete..annnd, that's art of all three of our heroes done.
ReplyDelete>passes out
Okay folks. Good News. Hinds and Bronode trudged into the word mine with me and 15 is done and queued up. Classes start for me this week so we'll see what happens to how fast I write. 15 is a gargantuan monster of a chapter, but I wanted to write to the end of the scene rather than cut off. So sorry. I hope I don't put anypony into comas.
ReplyDeleteBut now for some responses!
First to Dot Rook: You are amazing and awesome and I love the art! Thank you so much. I'll hopefully get my title pic this week, but I'm glad yours were the first three.
David: Ooooh... I hope you feel the same way after 15-16. I'm glad that Somber is coming across as a little more sensitive. I need folks to care about her... and hopefully not in a 'yeah! Suffer Blackjack! Sufferrrrr!' But she is pulling her head out of her ass bit by bit.
When you read 15 it should help resolve what some of P-21's feelings are for BJ. Just remember she's an idiot and self sentered.
To Wavemaster: I'm glad you're willing to walk that rough road with Blackjack. 13-16 is a dark stretch. 14 is, I suspect, the bleakest chapter so far. There's barely any humor at all. It's just horrible. 16 will be tough to write. It'll be just horrid, I'm sure.
To Everhopeful: Wow. I had no idea. I knew that spades were swords in tarot, but the way I understood it was force and the ability to overcome adversity. If it helps, think of the Queen of Spades as what the Wastelands is trying to turn her to; a cold and heartless monster. Beyond that my tarot knowledge is nil so I'll have to take your work for it. :3
Rampage has some interesting secrets that I hope I'll get to bring up. There is indeed something up with the Reapers. And I'm not exactly sure whose side Rampage is on. I'm glad (and sorry) that Glory's branding came as a surprise (I thought it might be too obvious). There are things up with the dealer as well that are clued into in 15. And it'll be interesting to see just how piviotal the Core of Hoofington plays into everything.
Need to make dinner and then I'll answer more comments. Love those comments. They keep me going more than anything.
Dot Rook, those pictures are fantastic. Lovely to see this wonderful fiction get some artistic attention like its big sister in FO:E.
ReplyDeleteI highly anticipate the commissioned piece, Somber, and also highly anticipate a monster chapter of 15. I love a good long read.
Thanks somber for chapter 14 excellent job as always "fan gasp cant breath" Cant wait for chapter 15 also the fan art is awesome!.!
ReplyDelete@Fuzzy Long is not good. ::sigh:: I really hope it's good...
ReplyDeleteI have a begining for the story and an ending. The real trick is filling in the middle parts. Glory is growing up in different ways from BJ. They're a lot alike, nieve and losing their innocence. They're different too.
The fight with the Pecos was inevitable. Why? Following the road was the fastest way to Flank. Following the road passed by the minimart with Sidewinder's men attacking the mine. The fact is that BJ would do something to try and help the mine. That results in a fight. Since there was going to be a fight, I had to put whether she'd be up to it or not.
I'm pretty BJ is going to take it easier on drugs since she had a new complication in 15. At least for a bit... we'll see.
And BJ will always be convinced that LilPip has it harder than her. As far as she's concerned the Stable Dweller is 7 feet tall and can shoot lightning from her ass... and free all of scotland from the English. :3
Rainbow Yoshi: Wow... um... I'm sorry? Having dealt with depression my whole life I don't wish it on anypony. I wish Blackjack had more pleasant experiances for you to enjoy.
I like surprising readers, so I put things in like Folly and the like. I know some readers will be all "Ahah" and others will be blown away. There were a few guns in that museum scene... but since I need to hide them I obfuscate. Hinds and Bronode can affirm sometimes I just hide stuff till later. I hope it makes my story an enjoyable read. :3
At Jesse: Okies, well I'll keep doing what I'm doing and cross my hooves and hope for the best. when I can't write anymore it's time for me to check out. So thank you for the kind words.
At Sindri: 1) Mostly guilt. Mostly. Partially something else... maybe two somethings. Might be three.
2)Oh the drugs are bad enough. Think about some of the other things around the hoof and mix them with all the damage she's done to herself.
3) I hope she doesn't turn out to be evil as well.
OK Somber, you have got to stop apologizing for the sad and depressing parts of you story. Being sad and depressed isn't bad. Its just a part of a great work of tragedy, and that’s a good thing. I mean Romeo and Juliet was depressing before it became a complete cliche. Do you think it would have been much improved if they both got up and ran threw a field of flowers together? While happy it would take so much away from the story. The way I like to think about tragedy is it the bitter that lets us enjoy the sweet all the more. In romeo and Juliet case the tragedy of such a pure love leading to such a horrible end helps audience enjoy the love in there own lives all the more. Now in blackjacks case, yes he is going threw a very tragic time in his story. Bad things happening to good meaning people dose that, but the pathos of this comes from how the hero overcomes it. Now I'm no writer and I don't want to tell you your job, but I am an a fan of good tragedy’s and I don't want to see you beating yourself up about how well your work is doing it. I know that at least for me I come away from the depressing parts of a good story with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face.
ReplyDelete((this is in no way making light of clinical depression. I am merely defending tragedy as a literary device))
...Is it a bad thing that I'm more excited about the new chapter of this than the 30,000,000th page view?
ReplyDeleteNope. I'm whit you. why won't he stop celebrating and post the chapter already. *shakes fist* :P
ReplyDeleteI should probably sleep. I'm moving in the morning. But I know that as soon as I go away the next chapter will come up.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I was wrong about Maripony. But your description of her... I immediately leapt to another conclusion. Though that one is probably wrong as well.
ReplyDelete@Sindri
No... I honestly couldn't give a flying for the 30kk pageviews.
But I love this story.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize, it's your story and I'm liking where this is going. It's really worth the time you're putting in to writing it.
In the meantime....
AER 14 PROTOTYPE WHOO. That thing in Fallout NV gives me mad criticals for an energy weapon build .
Rampage!...in socks?
ReplyDeleteshakes head. Some ponies NEVER learn!
ReplyDeleteMe again,
ReplyDeleteYou know sometimes, you read something and it's so utterly soul-destroying that you start laughing. And you can't stop, cos what you just read would hurt anyway but at least you're laughing. That's what just happened to me when I read through the BJ #3 file. I've read bad, I've read wrongs before. I've read rape, slavery, molestation and calculated psychological degradation. And still that was one of the biggest character gut punches I've ever read. I did not stop laughing for about fifteen minutes. Even now the pain will still elicit a chuckle from me. Yep P21 should just kill her. It'd save everyone the trouble of trying to fix that. Mother of Luna, that hurts. Raped him, beat him and killed the buck he loved.I've trucked with some mean writers in the past, but, daayy-ummm. Chilling stuff.
Rampage, oh boy. With Blackjack now fulfilling the role of the superego in the power trio, it's nice to meet a pony more concerned with satisfying their own physical desires than Blackjack is. Better yet she comes chem addicted. It's also nice to know that if Blackjack lives long enough, she'll make a great Reaper. I figure she can grab Deus' spot on the roster.
In response to your response, yep, spades is the suit of clever ponies. Though your explanation for the black queen helped assuage some of my more obnoxious niggling doubts.
The whole Hydra factory sequence was really well done. Excellent action sequence. Say no to drugs boys and girls, you never know what's really in 'em.
Oh yeah, before I forget, special mention goes to the Blackjack on Dash sequence. Apparently thinking like Rainbow Dash talks is really bad for your health.
That's it from me for this chapter. I can't say I'd blame P-21 for setting that collar off. 'Til next time, you're awesome. Keep writing and stop thinking you're laying on the grimdark on too thick. You aren't yet. At this point you can pretty much do what you like to Blackjack, no-one will mind. Hell she probably deserves a little more misery. The warning bells should start going off if you plan anything nastier for Glory. That would be too far. Just my two cents.
._. Dammit, must read next chapter.
ReplyDeleteNever before have a craved a next chapter than now.
ReplyDeleteSomber, you are some kinda writing machine.
I can't help but think that if LilPip had found Stable 99 before Blackjack started on her adventure, then our heroine might have been just another red bar that blinked out.
ReplyDelete@Somber
ReplyDeleteWhy, somber
Y U DO THIS?
I was supposed to be studying for an English SAC, but now after than bloody cliffhanger and I can think about is ponies! stop being so good at this!
I'm hoping for bemusement from Blackjack come next chapter. We've had too many raw emotions lately.
ReplyDelete@DotRook
ReplyDeleteI suspect that if LilPip came across 99 that she'd have been fine... if creeped out... by it. Till she found out about the males. THEN the Overmare and security team would be toast. I doubt she would have purged the entire stable though. Look at how hard it was for her to violate her Overmare and leave stable 2. And her Overmare was nothing compared to stable 99.
Hey Somber,
ReplyDeleteI apologise if I cannot offer a larger feedback today on this monster chapter as I would love to do so. But I got a plane to catch in a few hours so...yeah. :p
I'll maybe add more thoughts in a few days when back, but for now here's some general thoughts on what I've read. As such, I apologise if I jump about in non story order.
Rampage is BRILLIANT. She just does not give a shit. Lots of laughter from her mannerisms. I forsee her and Glory bouncing off one another very well if they hang around one another. A good foil to avoid "Steelhooves member" by making her more focused on close quarters too as opposed to "Blow EVERYTHING up." After all, Blackjack seems to do that enough on her own anyway.
I am glad to see that you didn't play up the drugs as a nessesary addiction so much as just badly harming her body in one shorter period of much higher problems. I had been afraid it'd play into Littlepip style addiction. So to take a unique concept, I applaud. Blackjack opening up about her actions to P-21 was rather nicely done, in how she feels about it. Given P-21 and U-21 appearing at the end I genuinelly wonder how P-21 is going to act for this. The fact they have cornered her privately and collared her makes me worry if they're looking for revenge. I dreadfully hope P-21 manages to avoid it. However that audio diary speaks for itself.
The hydra scene was surprising in that I hadn't expected such a huge enemy out of no-where like that. A little confuzzling layout of the action with the cages and the like being described at points, but I thoroughly enjoyed it, especially the little twist nightmare fuel of Crowbar's potential fate. I do like a bit of darkness now and again like that.
Very very obvious Chekov's Gun with the Pinkie explosives on entering. However I sense that was deliberate to allow the reader to just KNOW that Blackjack was going to end up detonating them somehow.
Felt something could have been mentioned more from Glory when the Enclave shut down around her. To have no written reaction struck me as odd, given this is the first time her Dashite status has affected her externally in a social environment.
I am curious to see why Rampage is sticking with them so closely. No doubt there is reasoning there, perhaps just underlying now. I am eager to see her fleshed out to explain her more. Great great character full of lots of laughs.
Loved Blackjack and the lockpick. Remembering how Littlepip felt about the pony who failed at lockpicking before and considering how badly BJ was doing at it gave me a hearty chuckle. Seeing her get more and more frustrated as every idea failed was hilarious.
Aaand thats all the time I have, taxi's here for plane journey. I'll maybe add more stuff when I'm home later tomorrow, Somber. Peace, man. Loving the big chapter work here!
Edits to be made:
---
"I had visions of orgiastic excess, which showed just how off my own mind was." - Works, but a little clunky around "just how off my own mind"
---
"Crowbar levitated a crowbar from his belt and rapped it hard against a empty barrel." - an empty barrel.
@Somber
ReplyDeleteDon't apologize. I wouldn't be here reading this if I wasn't enjoying the heck out of it.
Now I just need to read Chapter 15...
Oh god next chapter is going to be INTENSE.
ReplyDeleteGoddamn you and your horribly effective cliff hangers.
YUMAKEBLACKJACKSOSEXY?
ReplyDeleteAnd on that note, great story so far! Though it needs more Bottlecap!
god damn somber... HOWUWRITESOFAST?
ReplyDeleteI've known P-21 was a coltcuddler ever since the Prince Splendid chats, but I'll be darned if I was actually expecting what I heard on BJ#3. She's right. She needs to hand him a pistol and just stand there and talk to him. I'm downright giddy that they were able to sneak in there and get a collar on her. This situation is -exactly- what they need together. Now, I'd prefer it if U-21 wasn't there, but that seems to be an unfortunate necessity.
ReplyDeleteThen again, she can take him out of it. She has the means. Make it just her and P-21.
Am I the only one who realizes that the fanart of Morning Glory features her spoiler-tastic Dashite-brand? New readers shouldn't know beforehand that she's gonna loose here cutie-mark.
ReplyDeleteChapter 15 had a weird Grand Theft Auto vibe to it. You know, with BJ being a pawn in a drug war and all that.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm look forward to the final chapter of Project Horizons. (Too bad it's going to be so short, but at least it will end with a boom.)
Blackjack with a collar on and no weapons at hand. The wasteland's playing an interesting hand with her now.
ReplyDeleteHaving read all of the BJ#1-3 and her background through the chapters, I'm not sure who I should feel more sorry for.
That stable has been institutionalizing using males as sex slaves for what, 200 years now? The degradation of the male character put forth in the schools and segregated into male and female educational systems? The males being taught about rainbows was something I thought was part of the "Don't think about it" attitude/motto. They weren't expending a lot of energy to teach the males who'd never need skills, but having them keep to happier subjects (Rainbows are awesome!) helped to keep them "not thinking about it".
I don't blame Blackjack for her upbringing and how she acted. She was taught, either directly through school or through the society she grew up in, that males were just sex-happy idiots. Despite her upbringing, she had some basic level of care, even if at times it was for "property of the Stable." I'm betting the only reason P-21 didn't kill her outright when he had the chance was because she was different than the others.
She didn't have to stand up for him. There wasn't a bounty on his head for his return to make her bully down the other guards. No anticipated atta-girl! or promotion from her boss for a job well done.
When she was exposed to the horrors of the world, P-21 saw first person that this mare who ruined what happiness he had (even if it was doomed to be ended by some mare all too soon) was now trying to make amends and fix the world, even if she bloodied herself across the width and breadth of Equestria to do it.
I can't say that the Overmare or any other mares from that stable would put themselves into such a corner of Pony vs The Wastelands.
P-21 must have seen that in her, else why stay? Revenge? He could have had that long ago.
U-21 there has probably been poisoning the well all this time, I wouldn't be surprised if U-21 was pushing to keep BJ as their own (sex?)-slave in some attempt to get even for all those years. P-21 probably wouldn't want to turn her over for the reward. He's angry, and would probably like to kill BJ himself if he wanted that as an end.
The question I have is, did P-21 bring that collar from the mines (and have it rigged with a different trigger frequency) or did he pick it up there at Flank over in the slave dealers area.
Keep writing Somber! So many questions.
I can almost see Security the Reaper as a possible bad karma ending to this story.
ReplyDeleteRandom speculation but I wonder if the silver bullet could have been the source of the taint affecting Blackjack.. Does anyone recall other times she might have been exposed?
ReplyDeletePart of my brain screamed "MIND CONTROL!" at the end of the chapter, but I'm almost certain that isn't it.....
ReplyDelete@DotRook "Security the Reaper"
ReplyDeleteHey now, there's nothing that says chromed-up cyberponies are bad. They just seem to be a bit off in the head.
Long step by step reation time!
ReplyDeleteInteresting chapter quote. Come back to that later.
Damn, I thought Fixer was the one thing she was taking that wasn't screwing her up further. So much for that...
I really like Rampage. Did I mention that? I really hope she doesn't turn out to be evil. Hm... are the stripes just for show, some sort of symbolic thing that comes with the martial arts, or is she secretly a zerbra with a dye job?
Okay, her relationship with Grogon needs to be elaborated on later. Especially since he was such a special kind of monster but we never saw hsi personality; even raiders tend to get interesting characterization in Somber's stories.
Aaand the Society drops from "mostly neutral jerks" to "not-quite-as-evil slavers" on the morality scale.
Warning: racing like Rainbow Dash may be hazardous to your health. "Oh, that must be me. Because I smell awesome."
Mom? Must know more. Also, the "can’t keep treating every poor thing you bring in" line is a good indicator that rampage isn't evil, and that she's a lot deeper as a character than the readily apparent badass Blood Knight. Hooves crossed.
Now that is how you write a dream sequence. No idea how much is memory and how much is fantasy, leaving the reader unsure whether to be filled with hope or pulled deeper into despair by what they think they just read, while simultaneously giving a great deal of insight into the characters involved.
And now Blackjack is Tainted. And she was already an insane mutant. This will definitely come back later with a vengence.
Right. Scalpel has definitely passed the point where the wasteland breaks her; she still cares, thank Celestia, but she's a long way past where she thinks she can do anything about it. This is why the Wasteland needs heroes. This is why, despite all that she's done and all the problems she's dealing with, Blackjack needs to somehow pull through and be Security. Otherwise the few good ponies there are will just keep losing hope.
...I really thought that P-21's recordings couldn't get worse. I was sure that the first showed her as a monster, the second as indifferent but helpful, so the third needed to make her a hero so that they could be friends after the reunion. Well, I said earlier than nobody except Somber was allowed crush my dreams about that, and this is why.
ReplyDeleteP-21 would be more than justified in killing her. Slowly. But he won't, because he's better than that. Because despite all that he's been through, he's still calm, collected, and fundamentally good. Right?
Just what BJ needs right now! Some very clearly bad people that she can make the Wastes better by removing with extreme prejudice, and some poor souls to save! I especially like how despite still not being a clever pony, she puts together snippets of information from terminals and signs and turns them around into a very big bang. She may not understand all (any) of the fancy science behind it, and she certainly didn't plan this in advance, but she has quite a gift for making things go boom. Ammonium somthing or other indeed...
It's good to see more of Maripony and Macintosh. They deserve a lot more good times before their tragic end, and it's always nice to get more background info from the world before it ended. I'm a bit worried though since memory orbs never seem to go well for BlackJack...
Oh. Oh dear. Well, at least he didn't kill her right off, that bodes well. Except that he's working with U-21, who works for Deus. And justice is "giving to others as is given to you."
Oh dear.
Overall a magnificent chapter. The opening quote, in retrospect, is perfect (I really hope that this one was the doozy...). I'm very glad that you didn't try to shorten it or break the chapter in the middle, because that cliffhanger was perfect. There were a couple of times that the writing got a bit confusing, but all of them were appropriate to the situation so I will assume the confusion was intentional. Rampage is developing nicely as a character. The lightness of most of the chapter (relative to the last one at least) makes the real blows hit even harder. I have never been quite so desparate for the next chapter.
RE: Blackjack Reaper
ReplyDeleteSeemed like a Wild Card ending to me.
Also, I'm seeing Stable 86, I mean 69, as the Atomic Wrangler. And I bet the mare BJ chatted up was Caprice.
Yeah, there seems to be a wide variety of Reapers out there, ranging from Deus (the Complete Monster) to Rampage (the Blood Knight with hidden depths). I think that the only unifying characteristic is combat prowess, which Security has in spades. And they all seem to be insane, which also fits her perfectly. And if Deus is the one she kills, she becomes what, second or third highest ranked among them?
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I forgot to comment on Blackjack the Reaper. Honestly, I'd be all for this outcome. It means she's killed Deus, and that she's now nigh-untouchable. Of course, this is for the very, very end of the story simply because of what the outcome would mean to the Wasteland.
ReplyDeleteBut it also doesn't have to be the "Bad" ending. Deus is a criminal, but so far we've seen nothing of Rampage that has shown us she is fundamentally bad. Crazy? A bit. But she's also willing to do good things. So pretty much a neutral type of person. The only requirement to be a reaper is that you have to kill one to take its place, not that you have to be evil.
If she -could- get Reaper status, then it would make her journeys far easier, thus why it would have to happen at the end of the story.
@Corwyn
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be labouring under some misapprehensions with your interpretation of that dream sequence.
Bear in mind Blackjack's psyche is collapsing in on itself at this point; basically anything positive, good or just that happened there was an outright fabrication. There was only one educational system in that stable, as only one sex had any function beyond sexual gratification and reproduction.
@Bronode
ReplyDeleteYou seem to be labouring under some misapprehensions with your interpretation of that dream sequence.
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Misapprehensions? Not really. Things were spinning back and forth in the dream yes. But BJ had to form those from somewhere. Also this part had felt like a recalled memory and part dream, which is why I went on with that.
But really if it was all fabrication then it just deepens the sins that the Stable's experimental society was enforcing on each generation if the colts had no education beyond what feels good to a mare.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteIt would make sense for the colts to get an education up until they were 15 and became x-1, if only so they could carry on an intelligent conversation when a mare wanted it. Also, I doubt that P-21 would have dreamed of becoming a teacher if his only experience with school was listening from the hallway once and subsequently being tortured until he revealed how he got there. Given their ages, Blackjack and "Blue" might even have been in the same class once. However, I very much doubt that they were friends as foals. To me it seems like the colorful parts of the dream were her memories filtered through her current friendships and hopes, while the grey parts were the same memories filtered through her current depression. I think that parts of both are true, but neither is a reliable source of information.
ReplyDeleteOn an unrelated note, these comments need an 'edit' button. Deleting a comment and making a new one when you realize that you've made a mistake is far too clumsy.
ReplyDeleteWow, you all seem to be missing something very important. Security. Killed. Gorgon. She is already qualified for the Reaper position, hell I bet that the reason the Reaper Leader(can't remember name) asked Rampage to fetch Blackjack is to make her take Gorgon's spot.
ReplyDelete@SleepingLife
ReplyDeleteGorgon's a Reaper? I remember Rampage saying he was her friend, but I don't remember where it said Gorgon was a Reaper.
@SleepingLife
ReplyDeleteI'll regret saying the obvious, but Gorgon probably wasn't a Reaper. I certainly don't think so.
... this just got epically long. I am in a mess here, only time I have time to read the chapters is on the weekend nights, and they are sleepless. And yet, I am still only on the beginning. I hope that I can still at least give feedback that is worth giving a glance over. I love this story, but classes are such a pain. Somber, I may even just compile my reviews into two or three chapters per comment at this rate, and I hear the latest chapter is a long one. So, I am looking forward to this weekend very much so.
ReplyDeleteColts in 99 are not educated save in a very squicky manner. P-21 convinced Duct Tape to help him learn to read to help himself escape. That dream was complete wishful thinking. Most colts are not even allow to leave medical until they are put in 'service'. Small wonder many of them break. More than anypony else in 99, with the exception of the Overmare, the medical mares deserve a bullet. They were the ones who trained colts to perform well.
ReplyDeleteDon't worry Blakestar. post what you can when you can. :3
@Somber
ReplyDeleteThanks for the clarification. As much as I enjoy the story you've written, I don't have the time today to go back and re-read from scratch, looking for other tidbits of history to peace that together.
"Medical" doesn't sound anything like a medical office.
So yeah, 99, institute of horrible stuff.
Makes BJ shine a bit more that once she was shown the error of her ways that she wants to somehow make up for all the sh*t she was involved in, rather than shrugging and taking P-21 along as a servant or such.
They really need to go back to the Stable and free the rest of the colts. And kill everyone who tries to stop them. The closest that Blackjack can probably come to making up for what she's done is to make sure that this never happens to anyone else. Assuming that they don't kill each other next chapter of course.
ReplyDeleteAnd regarding the other discussion going on at the moment, I'm pretty sure that it would have been mentioned if Gorgon was a Reaper. He was referred to as a monster several times, and I think that when most ponies say "Reaper" the "monster" part is included. Unless he was hiding his status for some reason, which seems unlikely given that everything else he did was calculated to intimidate and saying that he was a Reaper would have done that for him if it were an option.
On a completely Unrelated note, we need Rampage in Socks fanart. Now.
ReplyDeletei believe this fulfills the six star requirments
ReplyDeleteOh gosh, Rampage. For some reason she’s my favorite character right now. Perhaps it’s because of her ‘I just don’t give a flip’ attitude about the rest of the world… kind of refreshing when set against heroes who have to struggle and care and shed some tears. XD For some reason it was the part where she yelled “Mom!” that did it. The thought of a pony like that coming home and just shouting something so simple and indolent was just hilarious.
ReplyDeleteThis whole chapter was one emotional suckerpunch. Seeing the true depth of depravity and senselessness in Blackjack’s stable was… disheartening. I am interested to see just how P-21 actually takes the opportunity to get his “justice/revenge.” But so far, even after all that’s happened, he seems to have taken a liking to her, never broke her neck in her sleep, stuck with her through every life-threatening battle, called her amazing once or twice. I have high hopes. Unless U-21’s mind screwing has done something terrible and BJ has to murder them both violently. The relationship between them is driving a lot of the story and the suspense has been driving me nuts as to when it will be resolved.
I liked the twist with the hydra fight (though I would have liked to see Rampage make good on her inside-out threat). Some good old fashioned laying down of the law for a pony who… well, is all about laying down the law.
Chapter 15:
ReplyDeleteI don't know how I was expecting this chapter to start, but it definitely wasn't with the story about Hatches, I don't think I was ready for that.
Rampage is an amusing character, and I'm definitely curious about her red stripes - well amused and curious, as far as fear and sorrow will allow.
Her calling Gorgon a "Lucky bastard." has me slightly confused though, or was she calling Blackjack that perhaps.
@SleepingLife - your theory that Gorgon was a Reaper is very interesting, and though it doesn't seem 'likely', it is entirely possible.
Blackjack on Dash was incredibly funny in the saddest possible way.
And then the drug-induced nightmare happens. A very beautifully written nightmare, the cheery colorful parts only make it that much worse when it changes to gray. If Blue really is P-21 (which I think he is, as far as the dream anyways), well it brought me to tears at the end.
Add "Eye tentacle penises" to the list of things that I wish I could laugh at. I wonder where she could have gotten tainted... The two most likely sources I can come up with would be 1) when she was inside the mutant dragon's eye socket or 2) from the trapped memory orb.
Actually add the entire conversation between Blackjack and Scalpel up until "Because I want to be good" - after that I lost it, especially after Glory showed up. And if I hadn't already been crying, I definitely would have started when Glory hugged Blackjack.
I really thought the third audio recording wouldn't turn out to be anything bad, since the second one had been more or less positive. I don't think I could have been more wrong. Every time I look it over I start crying again, especially at Blackjack's last thought.
I don't know why, but "I supposed it would take a megaspell to restore her cutie mark." somehow brought the slightest flare of hope alive in me...
The banter between the three of them outside Stable 69 was cute and refreshing (as much as it could be anyways). Especially "They calm me down and keep me from killing ponies that criticize my choice of mood improving chemicals" and the poor rifle.
I'm glad for the raid on the drug dealer's base, although it's hardly cheerful, it's a great break from all the soul-crushing sadness in the first half of the chapter. Though I wonder what/who Redbeard meant by "devotee of the Slut of Flank". And maybe I actually managed to laugh a little at Rampage's booties.
Though I feel really bad about Blackjack getting her tooth broken...
Nice explosion though, I think Calamity would approve.
Something terrible is going to happen...
Flying off at a complete tangent here, but I now ship GloryxAER14.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I've been wondering for quite some time about Blackjack's itchy mane. It's clearly some sort of pseudo-Pinkie Sense, but what does it mean? For your convenience I have gone through all the previous chapters and compiled a list of every time that her mane is mentioned to itch (or twitch; I assume them mean the same thing. Unless they don't. Damnit, now I'll need to go back and look again at all of these...):
ReplyDeleteCh1: itching begins while playing cards (at about the time that the raiders would be approaching) increases steadily until enemies are in the open. Initially thought to indicate luck at cards, but subsequent bust and continued itching after game until raiders revealed refute.
Ch2: none
Ch3: itch mentioned when walking through the boneyard, after being warned by the Crusaders, just before grabbing the ammo box and attracting the ghouls. Irritation at being ordered around by fillies claimed at the time.
ch4: no mane itching mentioned. eyes itch frequently, but that just means that she's got heavy rad poison.
ch5: mane itches when speaking to Glory about Rainbow Dash and the possibility of change in the Enclave. Curiosity claimed at the time. Happens again at firearms factory, just after finding Folly and curing Glory's poisoning. Once again happens just as Glory starts to clam up about Enclave activities, once again curiosity is claimed as cause.
Ch6: itching begins just before decision to explore upper levels of hospital, increases immediately after thinking that there can't be just one of the super-healing-thing.
ch7: itching mentioned once at the end, just after question as to how they will leave with the bounty on her head is answered by a grin from Bottlecap
ch8: "twitching between my shoulderblades" after shedding disguise, just before asking Glory what she'd learned from raider brains.
ch9: extensive itching clearly caused by invisible zebra psycholpath in the room at the school. Occurs again just after Sonata recommends against trusting Lancer (side note: Sonata is referred to as female everywhere else, but on pg 8 is referred to once as "He" when pointing to Chapel). Happens again during fight with Gorgon, just before giving up on conventional combat and doing something stupid; specifically when looking at the lights she was about to decide to shoot out, and again when thinking of Deus and forming the plan to lure Gorgon into a trap using EC-1101.
ch10: mane itches just before Tumbleweed enters the room and goes Reaver on a very injured and unarmed BlackJack. Staying in one place for too long claimed as cause at the time. Again between P-21 saying that the slave collars wouldn't go to waste and reveal of mine boss covered with bombs.
ch11: no itching
ch12: mane itches like crazy when contemplating walking down the bridge at Chapel. Again when entering the Enclave facility; correct identification of destination claimed as cause at the time.
ch13: mane itches when introduced to Operative Lighthooves and contemplating the likely possibility of being shot in the back.
ch14: no itching
ch15: mane itches when watching Hydra factory from a distance
My first impression was that the itching indicated that enemies were nearby but not visible. This fits perfectly with the most memorable occasions, like the steady increase in itching for the couple hours before Deus and the raiders invaded the Stable, and when she was in a room in the school with an invisible zebra pointing a rifle at her. It also works for the Boneyard, the Hydra factory, Tumbleweed turning into a raider, and to some degree Operative Lighthooves. But that can't explain some other times, like when she's talking to her companions and there aren't any monsters nearby, and if it were the case her mane should have itched like crazy during the first part of the hospital exploration, and again when Deus was waiting for her in the market.
ReplyDeleteThere appear to be two constants here though: an itchy mane means that something big is about to happen, and if Blackjack specifically mentions a cause she'll be wrong about it.
@BronodeYES!!!! Fund it!
ReplyDeleteAnyways, i must say, this was an awesome chapter!!!
Let me start off with Rampage. I love her. Period. I can't describe it. She walks in, kicks ass and saves BJ like it's nothing. Not to mention that the way you describe her armor made me rainbow all over my laptop. And then with the hydra? She sent that thing packing! Tore it up! I demand art of her.
Glory.....not much to say. Bronde pretty much got my feelings.
P21. Hm. I'm surprised, but not really. I kind of expected something like that, but less dramatic. I am disappointed that he is now working with U21 (sadface) but i guess thats the wasteland for you :/
Now Scalple i find interesting. I find her to be a very motherly type. Yeah she charges a hoof and a leg for heeling, but she does it. Heals her a few times actually! And on top of that, she listens to BJ's problems. She listens to her woes and tries to help her. She doesn't tell her that everything will be alright or any of that shit (excuse my language). She makes BJ think about her actions. While she may not be a smart poni, shes forced to take a look at the moral decisions shes made and really think about WHY they were wrong. And for that, i like her.
Now for BJ...I must say i am EXTREMELY disappointed about the overdose. I think she should have figured out what each one did before taking them. But she did, and somehow survived :o (with the help of little miss badass of course). But than she went to work looking for P21 the moment she was done. And what did she end up doing? Destroying a bunch of dash dealers to help others better their lives. And what did she do in the process? SHE KILL A MOTHERLICKING HYDRA! Absolutely amazing! And i thought it was hysterical when Crowbar started moving with her when she was in SATS! Still, i'm a bit mad at her for using the memory orb at the end. When will ponis learn to stop watching others memories?!
All in all, wonderful story so far and i can't wait for more!!! Keep it comin!
Wait a minute, as of now it looks like the next chapter is going to start with conversations about forgiveness with explosive collars involved. Why does that remind me of the ending of Saw III so much?
ReplyDeleteU-21 is *asking* to get his head exploded, isn't he? n.n Although I doubt that'd be BJ's immediate reaction. At least with P-21 there.
ReplyDeleteI liked the dream sequence, with the colorful memories of the way it *should* have been before the Grim Pony of Grimdark brought it back to reality.
Did BOOM! burn down Hoofington the first time or something? It sounded like the missing explosives were supposed to mean something but I guess it could have just been video-game style hint text so that you knew which barrels to shoot. >:P
Urge to draw Rampage is catching up to me whining like Rarity at the thought of drawing complex armor and doing it justice.
ReplyDelete