• The Equestrian Inquirer Issue #1


    Joe Stevens used to write a column called "The Gravy Inquirer".  Much like everyone else in the fandom though, he has been struck by the pony bug and wants to contribute by creating these tabloid style pony news articles every Monday. 

    After the break, you can find the first issue! If all goes well, hopefully we will see more in the future.

    (Also A Google Docs Version with Better Formatting Here)

    Issue #1
    From the people who brought you the Gravy Inquirer, we present…



    EQUESTRIA INQUIRER
    Joe Stevens, editor

    RAINBOW DASH LABELED A
    WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION

    By Joe Stevens

    In news that’s sure to shock the peace-loving ponies of Equestria, beloved pony Rainbow
    Dash of Ponyville has been classified a Weapon of Mass Destruction by the Equestrian Armed
    Forces. While most residents of Ponyville have gotten used to the blown-out windows, torn
    off shingles and various other near-daily, albeit relatively tame, damage Rainbow’s flying has
    caused, no one save Pinkie Pie would label Rainbow as a weapon equivalent to the destructive
    energy of a thermonuclear blast. But that was just a joke Pinkie said at a party one time.
    It seems that the maneuver Rainbow Dash employs called the “Sonic Rainboom” causes
    a tremendous release of energy. Used in the wrong hands, this awe-inspiring trick that makes one
    see the true joy and beauty of life holds the power of five thousand tons of TNT.
    “We all know the seriousness of these charges and I assure you, Rainbow Dash uses her
    powers in only the most responsible manner,” Ponyville resident Twilight Sparkle was quoted.
    In an interview with the EI (Equestria Inquirer) Twilight told us of Rainbow’s love for all ponies
    and respect for her powers. Of course a moment after saying this Rainbow crashed through her
    window, but this was labeled an isolated incident.
    No word has been said of what the Equestrian Armed Forces will do now that one of its
    residents is a walking/flying apocalyptic device. In a prepared statement, Princess Celestia has
    assured all ponies of her commitment to their protection.
    When asked her feelings on the matter, Rainbow Dash told us, “That’s awesome!” She
    has since been seen wearing a saddle with a radioactive logo stitched into it and won’t stop
    bragging about it.


    PINKIE PIE THROWS HER ELEVENTY BILLIONTH PARTY
    By Freddie Baxter

    A great day of celebration was made in the home of Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie as the
    pony celebrated what she referred to as her “eleventy billionth party.” The record-setting number
    of celebrations has had many ponies scratching their heads and curiously looking over their
    punch and cupcakes and wondering what exactly was going on.

    Party record keepers were on hand for the event to mark the extraordinarily high
    number. “This certainly beats the previous record of two hundred and fifty six,” quoted official
    party records keeper Pin Yatta, “But um…” Pin then trailed off and munched a cupcake.

    Pinkie Pie could not be reached for comment as she had a feather-lined mask on and kept
    playing her bagpipes and shoving cupcakes into our mouths. Apparently when Twilight Sparkle
    informed Pinkie that eleventy billion is not an actual number, Pinkie Pie took a chalkboard out of

    her bagpipes (how it got there we’ll never know) and proceeded to explain in the highest
    mathematical calculations that not only was eleventy billion an actual number but was principle
    to the quantum functions of nearly all elements both physical and theoretical.

    At a loss for words, everyone decided to just have a few more cupcakes and drop the
    question. The record has been left undisputed.

    GUMSHOE’S CORNER
    (E.I. Muckraker Section)

    SPIKE CHARGED WITH ILLEGAL FILE-SHARING
    By Gumshoe

    In a long-awaited Equestria Supreme Court decision, the dragon known as Spike has
    been charged with illegally distributing copyrighted material. This comes as no surprise to the
    Equestrian record industry, who claim that they’ve seen revenues dwindle each time Spike opens
    his mouth to roar. “I’m not doing anything wrong!” claims Spike in a statement released near his
    adviser Twilight Sparkle before she told him to be quiet.

    Apparently Spike would find a book in the Ponyville library, a compact disc, a hard
    drive, a Manehattan-made Baby Grand Piano constructed at the legendary Steinneigh & Sons,
    Inc, and set it on fire. The magical dragon’s roar would then transport the item to another dragon,
    who would copy it and roar on it in turn, returning the item to its original owner or passing it on
    to a new one. Twilight has refused to answer questions regarding the quantity of copyrighted
    material Spike has shared in this method, however our Unreliable Sources once heard Spike
    bragging that it had been “three libraries worth.”

    The process of sharing items between ponies via dragon’s fiery roars, or roarenting, has
    become so widespread that record executives fear roarenting will soon surpass traditional record
    sales. “These roarents must be stopped,” quoted Notorious PO-NY, a well-known music
    personality who has seen his own music roarented countless times.

    Defenders of roarenting have claimed that it falls under the Horse Amendment Right of
    free speech and that it is simply a magical way of sharing interesting music, books, well-made
    pianos with friends.

    In response to court rulings, many dragons are launching new ways of working with the
    music industry to charge for the service. In a bold move, Sweet Apple Acres has launched a
    dragon-based music store they call FiRE-TUNES. They’ve even developed a portable way of
    carrying your roarented items called a FiRE-CART. It’s basically a cart. And it doesn’t really
    work.

    EQUESTRIA BUSINESS

    SWEET APPLE ACRES ISSUES RECALL
    By A Highly Underpaid Intern

    Sweet Apple Acres has issued a mandatory recall for all neon blue apples produced in
    their orchard between the months of January 2011 and present day. While the apple orchard has
    yet to come forward with a direct reason for the recall, EI’s Unreliable Sources have confirmed that it is probably due to the fact that the apples are neon blue.

    “How in tarnation did that happen?” Sweet Apple Acres family employee Apple Jack
    was quoted as saying, “I saw them apples on the tree just this mornin’. They was red then and
    now look at ‘em.”

    Ponies are cautioned not to consume neon blue apples. They can give you a very bad
    tummy ache and might have worms in them. Neon purple apples, however, remain perfectly safe.

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    About the Equestria Inquirer
    The Equestria Inquirer was founded to uncover the secret happenings of Equestria and
    show them to the world. Our continuing mission is to reveal the truth behind the tales, and tails,
    and find out what REALLY goes on in the lives of ponies.

    If you enjoyed the Equestria Inquirer, please write Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com
    with your comments and feedback. We also accept freelance stories. Simply write Freelance in
    the subject line of an email and you might see your article in next week’s Equestria Inquirer.