• The Equestrian Inquirer Issue #1


    Joe Stevens used to write a column called "The Gravy Inquirer".  Much like everyone else in the fandom though, he has been struck by the pony bug and wants to contribute by creating these tabloid style pony news articles every Monday. 

    After the break, you can find the first issue! If all goes well, hopefully we will see more in the future.

    (Also A Google Docs Version with Better Formatting Here)

    Issue #1
    From the people who brought you the Gravy Inquirer, we present…



    EQUESTRIA INQUIRER
    Joe Stevens, editor

    RAINBOW DASH LABELED A
    WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION

    By Joe Stevens

    In news that’s sure to shock the peace-loving ponies of Equestria, beloved pony Rainbow
    Dash of Ponyville has been classified a Weapon of Mass Destruction by the Equestrian Armed
    Forces. While most residents of Ponyville have gotten used to the blown-out windows, torn
    off shingles and various other near-daily, albeit relatively tame, damage Rainbow’s flying has
    caused, no one save Pinkie Pie would label Rainbow as a weapon equivalent to the destructive
    energy of a thermonuclear blast. But that was just a joke Pinkie said at a party one time.
    It seems that the maneuver Rainbow Dash employs called the “Sonic Rainboom” causes
    a tremendous release of energy. Used in the wrong hands, this awe-inspiring trick that makes one
    see the true joy and beauty of life holds the power of five thousand tons of TNT.
    “We all know the seriousness of these charges and I assure you, Rainbow Dash uses her
    powers in only the most responsible manner,” Ponyville resident Twilight Sparkle was quoted.
    In an interview with the EI (Equestria Inquirer) Twilight told us of Rainbow’s love for all ponies
    and respect for her powers. Of course a moment after saying this Rainbow crashed through her
    window, but this was labeled an isolated incident.
    No word has been said of what the Equestrian Armed Forces will do now that one of its
    residents is a walking/flying apocalyptic device. In a prepared statement, Princess Celestia has
    assured all ponies of her commitment to their protection.
    When asked her feelings on the matter, Rainbow Dash told us, “That’s awesome!” She
    has since been seen wearing a saddle with a radioactive logo stitched into it and won’t stop
    bragging about it.


    PINKIE PIE THROWS HER ELEVENTY BILLIONTH PARTY
    By Freddie Baxter

    A great day of celebration was made in the home of Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie as the
    pony celebrated what she referred to as her “eleventy billionth party.” The record-setting number
    of celebrations has had many ponies scratching their heads and curiously looking over their
    punch and cupcakes and wondering what exactly was going on.

    Party record keepers were on hand for the event to mark the extraordinarily high
    number. “This certainly beats the previous record of two hundred and fifty six,” quoted official
    party records keeper Pin Yatta, “But um…” Pin then trailed off and munched a cupcake.

    Pinkie Pie could not be reached for comment as she had a feather-lined mask on and kept
    playing her bagpipes and shoving cupcakes into our mouths. Apparently when Twilight Sparkle
    informed Pinkie that eleventy billion is not an actual number, Pinkie Pie took a chalkboard out of

    her bagpipes (how it got there we’ll never know) and proceeded to explain in the highest
    mathematical calculations that not only was eleventy billion an actual number but was principle
    to the quantum functions of nearly all elements both physical and theoretical.

    At a loss for words, everyone decided to just have a few more cupcakes and drop the
    question. The record has been left undisputed.

    GUMSHOE’S CORNER
    (E.I. Muckraker Section)

    SPIKE CHARGED WITH ILLEGAL FILE-SHARING
    By Gumshoe

    In a long-awaited Equestria Supreme Court decision, the dragon known as Spike has
    been charged with illegally distributing copyrighted material. This comes as no surprise to the
    Equestrian record industry, who claim that they’ve seen revenues dwindle each time Spike opens
    his mouth to roar. “I’m not doing anything wrong!” claims Spike in a statement released near his
    adviser Twilight Sparkle before she told him to be quiet.

    Apparently Spike would find a book in the Ponyville library, a compact disc, a hard
    drive, a Manehattan-made Baby Grand Piano constructed at the legendary Steinneigh & Sons,
    Inc, and set it on fire. The magical dragon’s roar would then transport the item to another dragon,
    who would copy it and roar on it in turn, returning the item to its original owner or passing it on
    to a new one. Twilight has refused to answer questions regarding the quantity of copyrighted
    material Spike has shared in this method, however our Unreliable Sources once heard Spike
    bragging that it had been “three libraries worth.”

    The process of sharing items between ponies via dragon’s fiery roars, or roarenting, has
    become so widespread that record executives fear roarenting will soon surpass traditional record
    sales. “These roarents must be stopped,” quoted Notorious PO-NY, a well-known music
    personality who has seen his own music roarented countless times.

    Defenders of roarenting have claimed that it falls under the Horse Amendment Right of
    free speech and that it is simply a magical way of sharing interesting music, books, well-made
    pianos with friends.

    In response to court rulings, many dragons are launching new ways of working with the
    music industry to charge for the service. In a bold move, Sweet Apple Acres has launched a
    dragon-based music store they call FiRE-TUNES. They’ve even developed a portable way of
    carrying your roarented items called a FiRE-CART. It’s basically a cart. And it doesn’t really
    work.

    EQUESTRIA BUSINESS

    SWEET APPLE ACRES ISSUES RECALL
    By A Highly Underpaid Intern

    Sweet Apple Acres has issued a mandatory recall for all neon blue apples produced in
    their orchard between the months of January 2011 and present day. While the apple orchard has
    yet to come forward with a direct reason for the recall, EI’s Unreliable Sources have confirmed that it is probably due to the fact that the apples are neon blue.

    “How in tarnation did that happen?” Sweet Apple Acres family employee Apple Jack
    was quoted as saying, “I saw them apples on the tree just this mornin’. They was red then and
    now look at ‘em.”

    Ponies are cautioned not to consume neon blue apples. They can give you a very bad
    tummy ache and might have worms in them. Neon purple apples, however, remain perfectly safe.

    PONY ADS

    PONY OPTOMETRY OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

    Don’t let your eyes go cross, come to Lazy Eye’s Optometry! Offering glasses and Lasik
    correction for all your vision needs. Now with three locations including a new office in
    Ponyville!

    About the Equestria Inquirer
    The Equestria Inquirer was founded to uncover the secret happenings of Equestria and
    show them to the world. Our continuing mission is to reveal the truth behind the tales, and tails,
    and find out what REALLY goes on in the lives of ponies.

    If you enjoyed the Equestria Inquirer, please write Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com
    with your comments and feedback. We also accept freelance stories. Simply write Freelance in
    the subject line of an email and you might see your article in next week’s Equestria Inquirer.

    61 comments:

    1. This seems like it's pretty much fanfiction...

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    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    3. The Google doc, wont allow me to read it.

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    4. Fanfiction is more full stories - this is merely fictional articles for an equestrian newspaper...entirely harmless if you ask me.

      And it's kinda funny to boot!

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    5. rainbow dasha weapon of mass destruction?
      spike breaking copyright?
      neon blue apples?
      Awesome i want moar

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    6. BAHAHA "ROARENTING" GAHAHAHAHAA

      This is brilliant! Also, that first comment was win.

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    7. Ah, it's just fun fiction stories. I was expecting an actual news article.

      Could still be a good read just for fun I suppose.

      Also, the song "Dirty Laundry" is playing in my head now.

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    8. Comedy+Parody Fan Fiction anyone?
      Maybe if it was on a newspaper background, with images and bold writing then it wouldn't be just fan fiction...
      Also if you really want to write parody by throwing fake random stuff then here's some:

      Rainbow Dash is actually Ronaldinho in disguise, Luna is Trixie, Nightmare Moon is Rarity and her alter ego is James Bond
      Celestia is Xavier and his alter ego is Dumbledor

      Rainbow Dash is gay, She's also from Brazilia and is Rolandinho in disguise
      Buttercup + Sonic = Rainbow Dash
      Buttercup + Sonic got drunk, and got in bed, they also invited a horse,
      more specifically Pegasus from Hercules, so they all went in bed, got a nice joint, and thus Rainbow Dash was made!

      Pinkie Pie is the main psychotic antagonist in season 2
      Twilight is Jean Grey
      Celestia is Xavier+Dumbledor
      Luna is made out of cheese
      Rarity is a marshmallow
      Fluttershy is actually pronounced ButterShy
      Fluttershy is Butter

      OMFG P.P. WITH WINGS?:
      Pinkie Pie getting wings for 13 episodes in a row?
      ALL MY INTERNETS PLEASE

      Trunks:
      If they set the Pink One free with wings,
      IT SHALL BE THE END OF ALL OF US! NOOOO!!!!

      Inb4:
      Derpy has her own episode
      SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY

      Confirmed:
      ZOMBIE PONIES!
      Left 4 Friendship

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    9. I remember the Gravy Inquirer! Probably the best thing to come out of the EEnE fandom.

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    10. Or you can also go with Rainbow Dash + Bloo(from Fosters Home)

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    11. The roarenting article was possibly the greatest thing I have read today.

      Thank you. I needed that.

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    12. This. This is genius. I want to hug the one who made this. He deserves a Pulitzer or whatever award it is they gie to fake writers.

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    13. I don't see how this is different enough to not be fanfiction. Fanfiction is fake fan made stories about the characters of a show, which is exactly what this is.

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    14. I thought it was called the National Equirer.

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    15. Just finished reading something sad.
      This is much better.

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    16. dash the stampede reward 60,000,000,000 double bits

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    17. Equestria Daily just broke all laws of reason and got 20% cooler!

      I'd love to read more of these articles. The truth must be told!

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    18. I suppose I could see this being under not-fanfiction if it covered events and goings on of the pony community. For example: one article could be called "Discord sewn among the pony community" and could be about how were all going nuts over the recent season two info we got. As it stands this is fanfiction, and I'm not looking forward to have to scroll past this every Monday.

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    19. Wow... Stupid Google. Won't let me view the file...

      THEN redirects me to a page INSISTING I create a gmail account and link it to mine, or if I don't want to link it, I can sign out of my Google account and create a separate gmail account that's unlinked!

      WHAT!?!? Google, NO, you do NOT get to take over the world (That's reserved for PONIES only), and I don't want ANY gmail.

      I'll just NOT read this file on Google Docs then, if Google wants to insist such ridiculous demands before it lets me continue on.

      Google Docs...

      Only Google can make a TEXT FILE unreadable on a mobile browser... Google, I do NOT love OR tolerate any of your horse shit today...

      As for the story... It's quite entertaining ROARENTING. Also... It's basically a cart, and it doesn't work! Lulz!!!

      5 Starz!!!

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    20. Also...

      Google, NO stars for you!
      (The Star Nazi)

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    21. Oh, this is awesome on almost every level. Someone put this into a newspaper layout!

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    22. for some reason I found it very amusing that apparently in Equestria pirated pianos are a real thing.

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    23. Loved it! I also want a newspaper layout for it. :D

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    24. Pfffft!! These tabloids will write anything to get a sale!

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    25. "Notorious PO-NY"

      ......

      Pony Pony Pony can't you see
      Sometimes your words just hypnotize me
      And I just love your flashy mane
      Guess that's why they broke, and you're so paid

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    26. if neon blue apples are bad and neon purple apples are good, what are neon white apples?

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    27. It is most pleasing newspaper article I have stumbled upon up-to-this date. Although in moments I did cringe, such as the idea that Rainbow Dash will not be banned from flying, it was far more fascinating.
      Even although I'm not a fan of newspapers, especially tabloid, I do have to say it was far more enjoyable than the usual sensation-seeking hyenas, no offence to any hyena bronies, but why am I surprised? Fiction always makes everything far more entertaining.

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    28. @Wolf
      will be banned*
      WILL BE BANNED FROM FLYING*
      Damn it.

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    29. After reading the article about Pinkie Pie's Eleventy Billionth Party, I quickly got the calculator out and punched in some numbers. Now because I couldn't get access to Pinkie Pie's chalkboard, I simply had to substitute it with the closest sounding number, 110,000,000,000.

      Now if we were to assume that she throws one party every day of the year (not including the extra day of leap years), then at the very minimum she would have been alive for 301,369,863 years and thrown parties since the day she was born.

      Considering the subject in question is Pinkie Pie, I just can't seem to find a contradiction. It all seems to fall into place.

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    30. Rainbow isn't a weapon of mass destruction! She's a weapon of mass AWESOME! At least 20% cooler than destruction!

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    31. "Rainbow Dash labeled a Weapon of Mass Destruction" -- they just figured this out?

      And buck the Inquirer, I want to see the Equestria version of the Weekly World News!

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    32. Lol that was good or a chuckle hope this becomes a weekly thing!

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    33. Really entertaining article. And funny too.

      The Sonic Rainboom shown in the Cutie Mark Chronicles is less a sonic boom and more a nuclear explosion. Except it spreads gayness. And by gayness I mean happiness. It makes sense!

      So if every party goes for average 20 minutes, and Pinkie Pie gives each party about 3 titles for what the party is about and counts each as one party, and if she parties every second of her life, which she probably does...Do mind that all the number estimates were all exaggerated: She's still about 1.4 million years old. She's probably younger than that, so my speculations were probably wrong. Pinkie definitely has at the very least, 7 parties per second. Looking now, it seems even more likely that she probably did create Equestria when she got her cutie mark.

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    34. Congratulations. You just won the internet

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    35. The ad for the optometrist is the one that caught my attention; somepony will get a lot more respect when her vision improves.

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    36. Some people are overreacting. Its an entertaining bit and I hope they do more. But they do need to put it in newspaper format. That'd elevate its coolness to Rainbow Dash levels.

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    37. Spike gives new meaning to 'burning a CD'.

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    38. @Ardashir:
      And buck the Inquirer, I want to see the Equestria version of the Weekly World News!

      Seconded.

      Although this is pretty darn funny.

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    39. I love the first story XD
      Improvements: stories are perfectly fine at the moment, could do with some hilarious pictures to add some extra kick to it. Not good at art? plenty of actual from-the-show pics to use for a while and I'm certain some artists would help out for free.

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    40. @RedEnchilada Very true; too bad that Edtropolis is a website zombie : \

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    41. Haha 'roarenting' i love it. I want moer!!!

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    42. The Roarenting article made me lol.

      "It’s basically a cart. And it doesn’t really
      work.
      "

      So true.

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    43. Sweet articles! I will be definitely looking forward to the next ones ^^

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    44. A really amusing read!
      Looking forward for moar!

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    45. @RaptorJetpackAnd what's wrong with fanfiction? I thought it was entertaining.

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