Author is Jaunty Scribbles
Description: Fluttershy confides a secret of hers to Twilight Sparkle, who has never had someone share a personal secret with her before. This is only the first part of the story, I'm still working on part two.A Wonderful Secret
18 comments:
"Oh Candy, you are so random"
I lol'd.
A good story. I'm looking forward to the continuation. My only problem with it was that certain words seemed to just be missing. Like near the beginning:
“Yes, yes there is something...” began. “Oh, this is wonderful!”
It seems like you left out a word or something; the began between the phrases makes no sense. I seem to recall seeing something similar near the end, too.
So meta it hurts
Twilight seemed a bit too excitable, and the last paragraph seemed kind of rushed. You may want to look that one over, tweak some of the wording. Just seemed a bit awkward overall.
Entertaining, though.
OH LAWD.
but in all seriousness, twilight could be toned down at least a little bit. not enough snark to really fit her character, y'know?
Actually, I can see Twilight being the type to get all hyperexcited about something like this. She`s nerdy, reserved, a bit of a shut-in... why not think of her (in this story) as if she has a mild case of aspergers. It isn`t uncommon for people with that condition to get very caught up in things like that, as Twilight is doing here.
I liked the story. But yeah, it was just a tad meta! Still, I liked it none the less!
Candy Corn is awesome in My Little Person fifteen... (Thank you universe warping machine)
Too sad they are the greatest stories never told... from a ponies perspective of course.
I would be willing to trade universes with Fluttershy.
@AnonymousSeeing as how I personally have Aspergers, I feel I should dispute that, somehow, but... that's... pretty much an excellent description of it.
Cute idea, execution was not so good. I did it in that 3-sentence-story event, only it was Big Mac getting hooked.
Paragraphs, please!
Other than that, please carry on.
the part where she said she wanted to be part of their world and was a bit obsessed with them. reading that was like looking into a mirror. i often use my imagination to try and make this come true
Really good. Just one thing: could you rearrange your dialog so it doesn't all get mashed in one huge chunk? It makes it hard to read.
The criticism: The format needs to be fixed. There is an established technique to writing dialog that got violated pretty hard due to lack of paragraph breaks.
But the good news is that I enjoyed the story. The pace seemed to let jokes build and breath, and there was a surprise touching moment at that last paragraph. I found I read it to the end, and enjoyed it.
Thank you guys for all of your constructive criticism and advice, it's really been helpful! This truly was my first attempt at writing a fanfic of any sort, so I wasn't really sure how it would turn out.
I've gone back and edited it, so I think it should be a little more professional now. Many more paragraphs, rewrote some stuff.
Generaton 3 of My Little Person was pointless "LET'S GO PILLAGING" that had ruined the series for what seemed like forever, until Lance Infelix (producer of such shows as The Rowdyruff Boys and Biologi's Apartments for Realistic Enemies) obtained his hands on My Little Person and transformed the seemingly dying series until something fun not for the target young-colt audience but something entertaining for stallions and EVEN MARES!
Okay, I am now just a weirdo.
I fail to see how Fluttershy would be embarresed and how anypony would think she was weird or immature for liking a childrens series.
I mean, she's not one of those creeps who write My little person fanfictions
JK
The story was great. and I had the same reaction as Twilight Sparkle when I got into it.
Wasn't there supposed to be a sequel to this?
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