Author: The_EE
Description: When Sweetie Belle stumbles into the Carousel Boutique injured in theThings That Go South in the Night
middle of the night, it's up to Rarity and her group of friends to piece together just
what has happened. As the night turns into day they will learn a lesson in both bravery as well as sacrifice.
Additional Tags: Dark, Bittersweet, Sacrifice, Gift, Loss
52 comments:
why so much sad recently?
ReplyDeleteMore text...
ReplyDeleteThis author is NOT getting a cutie mark for comedy, that's for sure. At least it wasn't as dark as I thought it was going to be, based on the description ...
ReplyDeleteWUT
ReplyDeleteo.0 That was horrifically sad... And not in the wholesome, fulfilling way either. This is sad in the "why the hell did this have to happen?!", beautifully executed way.
ReplyDelete5/5, and I hate you for it (in the best way possible).
I'm going to cry while reading this am I?
ReplyDeleteThe disclaimer at the end was a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteSo intensely sad... :(
ReplyDeleteyou did NOT do what i think you just did. SHES BEST PONY
ReplyDeletelol, the rarity vector drawing looks like it was done on a napkin
ReplyDeleteOh wow. This sounds super interesting... But also really quite possibly painful.
ReplyDeleteAw man why do I read these sad stories.
ReplyDeleteWankers post sad things when I'm in a prone towards depression mood...
ReplyDeleteAnyway, grimdark + Rarity = my backup list. If it gets at least 5 stars, I'll read it.
I'd like for a more explicit statement as to what happened to
ReplyDelete(spoiler)
Applejack, but I'm guessing we are to assume she
(spoiler)
didn't make it.
SPOILER:
ReplyDeleteAwww :( Poor Applejack honestly I know you should never let the fanon change how you feel about the canon but I could honestly imagine Applejack doing something like that. Give her life to save Scoots. Sometimes I wish the FIM team would actually do a show based on fanfics (obviously not to air it on TV but something just for our fanbase on EQD and nothing like intense gore or sex) based on what fics people enjoyed the most.
And NOPONY thinks to instantaneously send an urgent letter to Princess Celestia asking for help?
ReplyDelete@Vinyl Scratch
ReplyDeleteGAHHHHHHHHHHHH I DID NOT SEE THAT
yes infinion, you did not see that.
but what if i did?
you just have to keep it together inf. KEEP IT TOGETHER
I didn't cry, but it was sad. It is very hard to make me cry though.
ReplyDelete4/5
;_;
ReplyDeleteRight up till the end I was on the edge of my seat, and hoped everypony would make it alright...
ReplyDeleteit didn't make me cry, but I kinda knew for some reason that it would end like this.
Congrats, author. You got me to cry. Just a little bit. Sweet Dragons above. . .that is really sad. . .The disclaimer at the end, though. Kinda helped. . .but wow. . .6/5
ReplyDeleteFirst..."First", and now this.
ReplyDeleteDammit authors, y u make me enjoy sadfics?
4.445/5
Ok I am loving this. I normaly dont read fanfiction but I think this one just made me start lol
ReplyDeleteCall me heartless, but I wasn't really feeling it on this one. Aside from the wide variety of grammatical mistakes being enough to drive my Grammar Nazi side up the wall, the entire story arc just felt weak. As in, I expected there to be...well, more. More story development (doing the whole thing in one night isn't a bad decision as far as plotting goes, but there is certainly such a thing as being too concise with the narrative, and this piece is an excellent demonstration of that), more character interaction, and especially more unpredictability in the direction the narrative took.
ReplyDeleteI mean, maybe I'm missing the point here, but my general progression of thoughts was, "Of course the other Crusaders are missing", "Of course one of them is horribly torn up", "Of course Applejack's the impulsive one who runs in", and most damning of all: "Of course they give the antidote to Scootaloo". Nothing about this fic surprised me in the slightest, and that, I believe, is why I had positively no emotional response to it: I knew exactly what was going to happen long before it actually did. I was expecting the twist to pop up or the plot to thicken or for the story to go beyond "Point A to Point B to Point C", but it never did.
Matter of fact, it didn't seem to mean like you even followed all the way through with Point C: we're told Applejack will die, but there's no mention of her actually dying even by way of a few characters reminiscing about her sacrifice later on. Yes, I realize that the story was intended to be primarily about the Crusaders (or at least, I think it was...it was actually surprisingly difficult to pin down exactly who we were supposed to be focusing on, even in a broad sense), but leaving out any mention of Applejack's actual death is a pretty big dangling plot thread that, while not integral to us comprehending the story, still leaves a bad taste in the reader's mouth and is a disservice to her critical role in the narrative.
I don't know, maybe I'm being too harsh, but I don't get to read a lot of fan fiction nowadays, and when one disappoints me, I tend to be blunt. As far as improving in the future goes, I'd suggest deciding before you even start the writing process exactly who your primary main character is, and then make sure that the entire story revolves around them and the actions other characters take to help them. In addition, Rarity being worried about her sister is expected, but that in itself is exactly the problem: keeping canon characters in-character is crucial, but so too is giving them unique reactions to situations they haven't experienced before. Going into this, I expect Rarity to be emotional and Applejack to be impulsive just based on their personalities, but when the stakes are as high as they are in this story, it's reasonable to assume that those old reactions--which were, before now, reserved for decidedly non-life-threatening problems--wouldn't apply as much. One of the greatest assets of this show is that the Mane 6 are characters, not caricatures; you laid the groundwork for their personas in this story, but to really shine you need to develop them beyond that baseline we all already know. That, to simplify this review down to a single point, is what I believe was missing here, and what I would hope to see more of in the future.
As it stands, 2.75/5, which ends up being rounded to 3/5. Not the worst I've ever seen, by any means, but definitely plenty of room for a good deal of improvement. You have my respect for the attempt, though, and my wishes for good luck in any projects you choose to take on in the future.
You know, half the reason I prefer the deviantArt pony fic groups to EqD's posts is that I get no spoilers. Any story could be shipping, or grimdark, or episode-like, or thigh-slappingly funny. Here it's like "Applejack, Complete, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Grimdark, Rarity, Sad, Twilight Sparkle, Dark, Bittersweet, Sacrifice, Gift, Loss." It's like watching Old Yeller, knowing how it ends even though I don't know how it'll play out. It's why I never watched Marley And Me: I know I'm gonna have to feel.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't we have sad stories where the potential loss is Applejack losing the farm, or Twilight Sparkle having a stroke, or an argument between Applejack and Pinkie Pie tearing apart the Element holders? It's always death, death, the only source of pain in Equestria.
Awesome, but I wish the ending did not just leave you to presume/hope. But I suppose that's the idea of a cliffhanger...
ReplyDeleteSpoiler warning.
ReplyDeleteHrm. You only have to change the last few lines of the penultimate scene to do both a sequel hook and take a lot of the "but why don't they just" out of it.
I feel like it would be a lot more in character for them to about face and head back to the Forest to find the thing and rip out its other fang than to sit there and watch AJ die when they know there's a cure. You can even just cut there, with Twilight & co. exiting the hospital.
As written, could have done without the last scene of Scootaloo waking up as well. I feel a little like it could have a stronger impact if, after the antidote is applied, Scootaloo stirs a bit, AJ grins weakly, cut to black.
Enough with criticism now, I liked it. The bit with Twi on her way to SAA to check on Applebloom was well done at describing that weird equivocating state of panic and calm. The "It was hollow" line was well delivered and had nice impact for those of us up to speed on the implications.
Oh, AJ, you were so brave.
ReplyDeleteThis story was wonderful!
Incredible. I wish I could read more than sadfics, but I just love them so much.
ReplyDeleteCertainly came close to tearing up multiple times. Kept it together though.
I choose to believe that AJ will pull through on good old-fashioned Earth pony endurance. *sniff*
ReplyDelete@Aquaman52
ReplyDeleteDon't speak for others ("leaves the reader" - leaves you, not everyone), and seriously, don't act like you're so important. You're just too busy worrying about what's "proper storytelling by the book" and whining that knowing what will happen means the writing isn't good.
Of course, people like you think they own the world, run the minds, and speak for all and bestow only the right words of wisdom, so I highly doubt you actually have the humility to consider yourself as worthless as you are.
@Something To Quack About
ReplyDeleteCan you hold on for a second? I just need to check something real quick...
Oh, hey, look at that. Oddly enough, your username wasn't in that there review I wrote up there. Wow. That's weird. I mean, 'cause I was sitting here thinking I must have put it in there somewhere, because why else would you have jumped in to reply to a review that wasn't directed towards you, had nothing to do with you, and in fact hasn't even been answered yet by the original author it was intended for?
I appreciate the insinuation that I'm not qualified to state my own personal opinion on a story I took the time to read all the way through (really, I do; such insightful snap judgments are what make life on the Internet worth living), but I'd like to point out that, as much as many people seem to enjoy denying it, fan fiction is quite often (and almost exclusively, in the case of this site) written in the style of traditional narrative prose. Read as: the typical fanfic is planned, plotted, and written like a regular ol' publishable story, so it stands to reason that it should read like one. For various reasons, I felt this author could've done a better job with that, and I told them so. Perhaps this is simply me projecting my own desires onto others, but personally I would much prefer someone be unabashedly open with their thoughts about my work, rather than willingly ignore the problems they see because they're afraid of hurting my feelings.
I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and assume that they're mature enough to accept the fact that not everyone will like everything they see, and thus mature enough to withstand any criticism that therefore comes their way. Of course, there are those who consider criticism to be "worthless", and while I admit that I could've been a bit less harsh with my words, it will be a cold day in Appleloosa before I take any of them back. I meant what I said and I said what I meant; a pre-reader's faithful, one hundred percent.
As charming as your response was, I think it'd show a good deal more respect to the author of this story if you let him fight his own battles, so to speak, rather than jumping in to flame the one person who didn't sing his praises. Seems like the more friendly thing to do, wouldn't you say?
Holy shit, Quack. That was completely unnecessary.
ReplyDelete@Infinion Uhhh k?
ReplyDeleteThis will contain spoilers.
ReplyDeleteI read this immediately after my earlier comment but did not have time to post a reaction till now. I am also not going to read the other comments until I post this so as to not color my opinions.
I liked this story. But I didn't think it was especially "good".
Pros: Solid writing and grammar. Characters kept IC. Interesting premise. Character sacrifice handled with dignity and sense; kudos on not going for cheap gut-punches or unnecessary cruelty to characters. Keeps it sad without being depressing or "bad".
Cons: The entire story after RD brought Scootaloo to the hospital.
To elaborate:
Your biggest mistake was to make Rarity the perspective character at the beginning. She has far more depth given to her in the story than any other character and this makes AJ's sacrifice less poignant. In a story with as incredibly little character development as this one, the connection I formed with Rarity from the sympathy of her finding Sweetie Belle overpowered any rapport with the other characters. If you had started the story with Rarity banging on Twilight's door and Twi being filled in after, it would have been more balanced.
The next problem is you made the sacrifice too intuitive. It's like OF COURSE any of the Mane 6 would make that decision. There was no tension, suspense or dilemma what so ever. If the choice had been between 2 or all 3 of the Crusaders, or if one of the others had been in love with Applejack or something (no I'm not suggesting shipping would improve the story, just an example) then the decision would have had the dynamic to create stronger emotion and a greater sense of loss than simply a noble (but obvious) sacrifice.
I also felt the ending was far too abrupt. I was half expecting one of the other Mane 6 to go hunt for the beast to try and get it's other fang. Also though I am not a fan of Deus Ex Machina, the fact that no one even thought of sending the Princesses a letter irks me.
I also have some technical problems with the cure:
1: The fang itself was not poison, just the residue, grinding it up seems redundant.
2: You don't administer anti-venom into the area where the venom was introduced because the tissue in that area is likely damaged and dying and the anti-venom would not spread into the system properly.
3: One point that was not brought up in story is the fact that if there is 1 cure for 2 people you give it to the person more likely to survive.
I understand not adhering to this rule in this situation but the characters were basically stating the opposite.
Anyway, I rate this 3.5 (EqD 4) stars primarily because of lack of impact and unused potential. I feel short stories need to be overall higher quality and higher concept than long fics because they have to do more with less. This doesn't.
That was amazing...
ReplyDeleteHey, the author here.
ReplyDeleteFirst off, thanks to everyone for reading commenting. And to everyone who liked it, I'm glad you did.
This was my first attempt at writing a piece of fan fiction, and may very well end up being my last, as it's not really my sort of thing. I just like writing as a hobby and I had been kicking this idea around for a while. Thought that I might as well put it down on paper. If I get another idea I might write some more, though.
Reading the comments I can see that I seem to have gotten the emotional response I was going for, at least from some if not most of the readers, so I'm happy. Very happy, actually.
Then for the critique: I'm just as happy for getting that too. I'm hardly the god of writing, and I'm always looking to improve. And I can admit this is hardly the best work I've ever done. Quite frankly I'd be afraid for my skill as a writer if it was.
@Aquaman52: First thing you mentioned was a wide variety of grammatical mistakes? Could you please be a little more specific? English is not my first language, but I tried to do my best in proofreading this.
As for the story itself: Is it the most original? No. Is it predictable? Probably. Did people enjoy reading it? They seem to have. And that last part is the one I think is the most important.
Reading your comment I kind of get the feeling that you may have missed the point of the story, or perhaps you had your expectations for it set a little too high. One more thing I'd like to address in your comment is about the ending. I left it intentionally a little vague. Personally I see that explaining everything would just detract from the emotional impact.
But like I said, all criticism is appreciated, just as long as it is constructive.
Soo, once again: Thanks for reading, for the comments and the ratings. I'm of to sleep now.
@The_EE
ReplyDeleteFinally, just the person I've been waiting to speak to. :)
The grammar mistakes mostly boiled down to using "its" and "it's" incorrectly (the former is a possessive adjective, the latter is a contraction of the phrase "it is") and punctuating dialogue with the final comma outside of the quotation marks instead of inside them. It wouldn't be a huge deal, normally, but the its/it's thing is something that just gets under my skin personally. A good editor should be enough to patch that up.
Predictability is not necessarily a bad thing to have in a story; the number of stories I've enjoyed where I had a pretty good idea of what was going to happen is lengthy, I'll admit. With a story that was intended to be a tear-jerker, however, I feel that the grand majority of the emotion (and therefore intrigue) in a death scene comes from a) the initial shock of the death, and b) the often unexpected reactions of the people around at the time. For me, knowing beforehand that Scootaloo was the one who would get the antidote took a lot of the intensity out of the scene, because there was really no deliberation over the decision. As DPV noted, many people (myself included) would find it quite unlikely that the Mane 6 would be so quick to respect the wishes of a friend choosing death over life. There was such potential for dramatic tension in how the decision was made to give the antidote to Scootaloo, but in the story that scene seemed to be almost a means to an end, like you just wanted to wrap the story up sooner rather than later.
As for the ending, I can appreciate wanting to not give the reader all the answers, but the way you wrote this was, in my opinion, vague in a very unnecessary way. I can only assume that you meant for the mystery to be related to Applejack's death since there weren't really any other niggling plot threads left at that point, but since there was only one antidote and that was given to Scootaloo, we already know as readers that Applejack has died. Thus, the "vagueness" just gives us an unsatisfying lack of clarity about how AJ's friends reacted to her death and how they feel about her decision to sacrifice herself for Scootaloo's sake.
Of course, there's nothing wrong with taking pride in positive comments; what I intended for my review to say, however, was that a bit more of a focus on really delving into the emotional states of the Mane 6 and the CMC when faced with such a traumatic and life-altering event would've made this a fantastic story, instead of just a so-so one.
Great story and very well written. But why did you have to leave that cruel cliff-hanger?! :'( I still love it though.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this story. I think it was quite well-written and great for the first part. The problem I have is with the ending.
ReplyDeleteIt was a good start, but the intentionally ambiguous ending seemed to cut it off before it got to the best part. The story part was action-packed and suspenseful, but I think another few pages could have greatly increased the emotional impact.
I think the best part of the story probably happens about five pages after the end. It's a shame I didn't get to read it.
I think this was a good story. The weak point was the ending.
@Peter
ReplyDelete4.5/5
@BlueNight
ReplyDeleteI think the answer to your question would be that, due to the nature of the show, and the fact that our fandom is mostly comprised of grown men, we feel the need to darken it to our tastes. Sadly, being men, and a lot of us being gamers, Warhammer 40k players, and general violent story enthusiasts, we tend to use death as the default. It's sad, tragic, and can be used to great effect. But we're not all experienced writers. I, for one, enjoy a well played fic with a death in it; even thought of writing one myself, but I don't because I know I'm not skilled enough. Others think they are, and this is the result.
Not that it wasn't a good story, but that ending man...
ReplyDeleteI kept waiting for Fluttershy to go into a Flutterrage at the end and go hunt down that creature for the other fang, snapping it's neck like a bear made of... something easily snappable.
ReplyDeleteI never would've read this if I had made the connection between "sad" and "character death". :(
ReplyDeleteIt was a decent story, props to sad fic writers (attempting one mehself, keep your eyes peeled, my fellow sadfic lovers).
ReplyDeleteNow that I've whore myself out, I'd like to get down to my thoughts. As it's been stated, that ending was overall moderately weak, especially since the ending was so abrupt. After reading (literally reading) all the comments, I have to agree with them and say that it was to 'vague' in an unnecessary way. It could've done with more evidence as to what actually happens (maybe an ending scene where the mane 6 have flowers for a 'special occasion') or even a less is more type thing (as mentioned by some faster, more intelligent person than myself) where you just cut it off after the antidote is applied.
The concept was fun and exciting but what the hell was that beasty thing? More description of it and a bit more involving it entirely probably would've made it more terrifying and seem like it held more importance (hey, here's this [insert description] and it's gonna wreck you).
Lastly, starting right around page 33 I think it was, your pages started ending like halfway through, which bothered me because I felt cheated out of reading more xD.
I'd say it's in the high 3 area, so I'll send a 4 your way.
You should also consider writing more. I like your style, despite the awkward page breaks and abrupt ending.
Hello, the author here again.
ReplyDeleteUgh, that last comment I made was a mess. That's what I get for writing half asleep. Anyway, just a few things...
@DPV111
Thank you for the comment. This is exactly the type of criticism I'm looking for. These are all good points that I will be sure to keep in mind in the future.
I'd just like to make a comment about the cure and how it was prepared and applied. I like to think the crushing and grinding was just to get as much of the residue out as possible. As for how it was applied, well, I know it's not accurate to how things work in reality, but I felt that this way would work better in a fantasy setting such as this one. It just felt intuitive for me, so I went with it.
All in all I've found this to be a good experience and one that will surely help me become a better writer in the future.
So, thanks again to everyone for reading, commenting and rating.
After reading all the comments, I feel compelled to point out that we don't actually KNOW that Applejack died at the end of the story. Most of us are just ASSUMING that she died. I think that was the intent of the author: to leave our imaginations to decide her fate.
ReplyDeleteMy rating breakdown:
OVERALL: 3/5 (fair)
Theme: 1/5 (terrible)
Plot: 3/5 (fair)
Style: 2/5 (poor)
Character development: 2/5 (poor)
Dramatic appeal: 5/5 (excellent)
Structure/grammar: 3/5 (fair)
This is a good premise and not a bad fic, however there it can definitely be improved- here is my honest critique, so please use this to your advantage:
ReplyDeleteThe biggest thing I can suggest is to take a creative writing course- many of the mistakes I see are common amateur mistakes. A major one is change of perspective- this is a very common mistake that can be very disruptive for the reader. Here it is primarily changing between characters, but there are some instances where it abruptly changes to or from omniscient third person. I can’t explain it all in a review, but one instance is:
“Twilight wasn't quite sure what to make of her friend's reply, and decided it was best to let the conversation just drop there. She did understand why her friend seemed to be so on the edge, after all. The last thing she wanted was for things to turn sour between them.
They didn't have to keep up idle conversation for long anyway. Something up ahead caught their attention.
“Is that...?”, somepony said.
“It is”, another answered.
And be consistent with thought- at the end you suddenly have SB “thinking in italics in quotes” rather than just have her thinking in paragraph as you did for other characters (like Twilight’s excerpt above). I recommend having characters think in paragraph, and try to stick to one character’s perspective at a time (you can switch). Again, a writing class would help with this- or google.
Another issue I was concerned with was a biological issue- maybe I’m wrong, but venomous animals who bite have flexible teeth, rather than bone, so that plot device may be wrong. Also, why was there just a clean tooth on the floor of the cave? And why would a simple hollow tooth be the cure? It would make more sense to use the actual venom or some other part of the creature- the bone is just that, bone.
Small personal issue is Big Macintosh- he’s spoken more than one line before (see opening of Ep 4- the first we ever hear of Big Mac) and it doesn’t make sense that the others would be so shocked to hear him speak in full sentences, especially considering the situation. Some of the other character reactions (esp. Sweetie Belle) felt forced or flat, and a nurse would not be shocked by her condition if she has any experience as a nurse- I’m sure she’s seen worse, and you don’t need every character freaking out to heighten the tension.
I also was not very sympathetic to the characters and grew bored of the plot-line about half way through. There is no easy remedy for this, but I suggest reading more books (and pay attention to the show) and try to understand what makes you feel connected to a character? I did grow closer with AJ for her stubbornness in this story, so that was good. For the plot, it may be because it was a clichéd plot (although AJ’s death at the end was unexpected) and it doesn’t really resolve either, because some mysterious creature is still on the loose (also, another POV switch).
Of course the best recommendation I can give is to keep writing! This is a good start and there’s potential, but you can do much better. Good luck!
-Kailea
PS- I wrote this before reading the comments and will leave it as such, but I would like to say after reading the author's comments that you should definitely keep writing! It's a great hobby, stress-relief, and a challenge to always do better.
very good read.
ReplyDeleteThat ending is going to keep me awake for the rest of my life. Did she...? Or didn't she...?
ReplyDeleteIt had a couple structural flaws, but I thought it was pretty well done. I liked Rarity fussing over Sweetie Bell and AJ's stubbornness-- both of those came across pretty strongly. My only real complaint is that the characters didn't have much of a sense of urgency; Twi was joking about coffee and Big Mac was talking about how he could talk, when I was sitting there asking "are the CMC dead?" over and over.
Also, never seen RariMac before, but he is quite a gentlecolt, isn't he? :D
@Peanut
ReplyDeleteWell, even in the most urgent of situations, there is always a bit of downtime. I think The_EE was trying to convey this reality, albeit in a somewhat unconventional manner.
About the "did she or didn't she...," I can't remember where I read it, but The_EE said he intentionally left the answer to that question up to reader interpretation. Personally, I prefer it when the author of a story ties up all the loose ends before ending, but this was still a really good story.