• Story: Metanoia (Update Part 13+14!)


    [Adventure][Normal][Sad][Dark] Has Twilight ever had control of her magic? Sometimes I wonder.
    Author: UnderstatedHyperbole

    Description: After Twilight finds herself suddenly losing control over her magic, our equine heroes find themselves heading back to the site where they became the Elements of Harmony as they track down the wayward unicorn.
    Metanoia (New Part 13,14!)

    Additional Tags: Long, Childhood, Corruption, Limbo, Giant Snake

    47 comments:

    1. Interesting... the image and description suggest Grimdarkyness but there are no grimdark tags.

      Also, Giant Snake. Now I have to read it. CURSE YOU GIANT SNAKE!!

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    2. @The_Owl

      it is a Limbo crossover picture with Fluttershy on the right and Rainbow Dash on the left

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    3. I see fluttershy and rainbow in there

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    4. HEY. Yeah. You.

      I want a hi-res of that for a wallpaper.

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    5. Corruption... Limbo... ... Giant snake? You, story, get on my reading list, NOW.

      I will start to read if it's a one shot, or once it's complete. I've grown weary of waiting for updates.

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    6. @Jelfes
      Not. It's only on "Arc One, Part One". You know a fic is going to be long when it includes an "Arc Zero"...

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    7. Phoe, y u no put complete/incomplete tags on anything?

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    8. Arc Zero was pretty good. The dialogue was all very much in character and the plot was very believable. The foreshadowing was well done.

      But Arc One...I think plot armor exists with good reason.

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    9. Spoiler warning.

      Considering the death that occurs going into the 5th chapter, shouldn't this be labled sad or dark or something?

      Unless there's an upcoming twist coming or something.

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    10. Oh crap, a LIMBO crossover. I just bought that gane on Steam the other day.

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    11. Ugh, the tags on this site are really dumb sometimes. Stories that are less morbid than a prime time dramas are labeled dark, yet here something is labeled 'normal' and 'adventure' and already the first part is pretty gruesome.


      Yeesh.

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    12. This definitely needs MORE TAGS. They might be a tad spoileriffic, but there is no way this is just a "Normal" and "Adventure" story.


      Throw in "Sad" or "Grimdark" in there.

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    13. @Carrin @Melodia @Metal Guard
      Fun Fact: Submitted with a note that I probably needed to rethink the tags... I dunno though. Dark feels like something that should be a lot darker (death and violence and gore everywhere, that drill), grimdark is insanely nebulous and now apparently made of "ick" for readers, and some of the other tags felt dishonest... I did neglect that EqD has a [Sad] tag that FIMfiction lacks, though. Was it really all that gruesome though? Maybe add [sad] [semiDark] or something.

      Woot, Spoilers: @sammwich
      Mayhaps she left her Plot Armor at the cleaners. *shrug* Was wondering how peeps would react. Maybe now I'll get to have that power trip moment of "Dance, puppets, dance." And anyways, even if a character's dead, that's no excuse not to use them, right? (And hopefully no one gets too turned off by the apparent lack of plot armor...)

      Oh well, back to editing the dreadfully needy A1P1.

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    14. Personally, I saw the word "death" mentioned, checked the last chapter, saw who it was, and simply couldn't read further. Can't read anymore sadfics, messing with my head. Thank you for the response, and good luck with your doc.:)

      My imaginary kingdom for a "dawwww" or "fluff" tag. XD

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    15. Er, doc=fic, my Droid apparently hates the word fic. XD

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    16. Hmmm... ''Giant Snake'' you say ?

      Is it a *raise high an inquisitive eyebrow* : WORLD SNAKE THE SIZE OF GUAM ! ;)

      ...*cough*...

      Might read soon.

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    17. @Understatedly Hyperbolic
      Dark doesn't involve bad taste amount of death/blood/and other sort of stuff normally found in ''grimdark'' stories...

      Dark also tend to focus on the atmosphere, to be successful.

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    18. @Nova25

      I've likely had the wrong definition pressed slowly into my ear canal long enough that it has become truth. Personally, I blame the color coding.

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    19. Potency, Part One :

      >“Maybe I'll be...maybe I can talk about this another time...I just don't like to bring these things up...”
      -... -_- ... Make your bet, start betting now ! Traumatic childhood, dead parents, or a violent parent ? Place you bet now !

      ... Kinda weird, a bit. Not quite sure what's going on ? ...


      Potency, Part Two :

      >She remembered the disbelief, the betrayal that she had felt in that moment. >She remembered reading the letter herself.
      -Dead parents ? Nah... she would have been escorted by guards ponies or something... Her parents abandoned her ? New, yet odd, but probable... Bets are still ON !

      >“An' Pinkie's got an even thicker than normal one.”
      -It comes from bouncing all days in a room with low-celling. ;)

      >"Well, it is a delicacy in eastern Equestria
      -Heh, I see ;). Sushi-muffin.

      >"At least most of them were edible this time," the pegasus offered, trying in vain to defend the party-loving pony against both Applejack
      >"There's that, I suppose."
      -Huh ? You or AJ forgot that SHE is the reason why the muffins in'Applebuck Season' were backed-bads...

      >"No...there wasn't any poison joke around your cottage..."
      -Huh... Just pointing that Twilight isn't ''allergic'' to 'poison jokes'... Not more than any other ponies (as shown in 'Bridle Gossip' ).

      >"Applejack!" >"Fluttershy!"
      -ME! (Donkey) ...oh, wrong movie. ;)

      >"No! Nopony here!" >"I mean...uh, meow?"
      -Well, it's somewhat of a classic.

      ... Well, not bad. Now we know that... well... not much more really ? Just vaguely confirmed what had been already vaguely established in Part 1 ? ...

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    20. @Nova25
      -----

      Potency, Part Three :

      >"We'll send a letter to the princess. If any pony'd know what's going on, it'd be Princess Celestia, right?" >"I...I guess you're right," Twilight replied
      -... *fallen monocle --> o" * 0_0 ! ... By Joves, a story were Twilight actually does the right thing, and doesn't go coo-coo-crazy from fear or whatever nonsense, by contacting Celestia ?!
      Well, that's refreshing. Really.

      >"Th-that...whatever that is!"
      >"Bye, girls..." Fluttershy bid farewell
      -Twilight, Rarity, AJ, Bedroom, spike, Fluttershy, Kitchen, RD, Pinky, RD, Fluttershy, Bedroom, Spike...

      ...yeah, something I'm starting to see there... It seems there's almost NO real, or clear focus on a specific character or a specific action/event, most of the time (during scenes) ?
      I mean, like this time here... We continuously switch the focus from 1 character to another in the bedroom, then focus on Fluttershy suddenly going to get a glass of water. Now, I know that it's nice for RD and Pinky Pie to be doing stuff in the Kitchen, but was it necessary to focus on Fluttershy, to then focus on those 2 because of a bag of flour accident, all that for to show (and re-focus on) just Fluttershy getting a simple glass of water and coming back in the bedroom right after ?

      I'm simply questiong the odd focusing going on in this story. That's all, really.

      >“Jus' with a few less trees through the window, eh, Twi?” Applejack replied
      -It's a bit odd that it's AJ making the joke there, considering that SHE is the one responsible for that event ?
      Might be more proper, if it was Rarity, no ? (like something she adds on the side, while eyeing AJ in some way)

      >with some rest and relaxation you should find yourself and your magic back in optimal shape.
      -I get that Twilight conveniently chose to not add the part about ''feeling something'' draining her and Fluttershy, and the light voices, isn't it ?

      >I don't think I've ever had a slumber party...
      -Pinky Pie, the absolute all-party master... never organised OR went to a slumber PARTY ? I find this 'ridiculously' hard to believe.

      >“But, we can't leave Twilight here all alone,” Fluttershy reminded them, >“I'll keep Twilight company while the rest of you make your plans
      -Huh ? Why not RD ? It's not like she really have much people to warn or anything ? And, being the fastest pegasus around, she can wait for them THEN go do her stuff in 10sec. flat, no ?
      Just thinking.


      ... Part 4-5 later ...

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    21. In no particular order....

      Focus issues probably stem from my (perhaps less than perfect/adequate) attempt at third-person limited from Fluttershy's perspective. Camera's meant to be attached to her... buuut it might end up a bit wonky when she's not doing much.

      Twi and the poison joke... well, it did affect her horn last time. She's stressed and making the more improbable connections.

      AJ making the tree joke is more about a show humility than anything else. There's something else to it as well... but I can't expect anyone to know what has yet to be written about from before this story...

      AJ and muffins... y'know... I actually wasn't thinking of Applebuck Season... I was thinking of when Applebloom made cupcakes with Pinkie for the cuteceanera. How the hay did I forget the baked bads? Yeah, probably need to fix that... unless people will read it as Fluttershy doing a "oh no she di-in't" to AJ.

      Fluttershy kind of forced the issue on who stays for her own reasons if I recall correctly. *checks* I did however neglect to have Dash be the first one back though... *facepalm*

      As for Pinkie... I have an odd take on Pinkie. I dunno if it'll come out proper in the story since she's not the focus, but I usually peg her as the young/naive for her age type. She might be the party pony, but that doesn't mean that she's experienced or even knowledgeable about every sort. See the Gala for case in point. Besides, I think AJ's point stands: ain't no one getting slumber at a Pinkie Pie party.

      Should I have invested in a authorly helm of protection, Nova? *jk*

      (also...5 will likely be down for editing later... it needs it... badly. Remember, children, always edit/preread before posting... else you look like a bonafide idjit)

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    22. @Understatedly Hyperbolic
      Well, the majority of people, when thinking of anything related to something even vaguely like 'baked bads', will be thinking of the 'baked bads' of the 'Applebuck Season' Episode.

      It's kinda the ''emblematic'' episode for any badly baked related stuff.

      For Pinky Pie and the Gala... apparently very little ponies, outside of Canterlot itself, really know what the 'Grand Gala' is about... as clearly proven by their(Main 6) ''Worst Night Ever'' (before Joe's Donuts shop, of course).
      Also, to add a point, Pinky Pie DID try to ''party-fy'' the 'Grand Gala party', like (she thinks) it should have been in the first place.


      So... Part 4 now, I guess ? Part 5 will be ''repaired'' when ?

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    23. Potency, Part Four :

      >to send a pre-written letter detailing the most recent happenings to the princess as soon as he awoke.
      -''as soon as he awoke'' ? ...huh, why ?
      Isn't the current event/situation not enough of 'dire' importance to have Spike wake up, for even barely 1min, in order to send this quite important letter ?
      Especially now, since they believe that Twilight's (rather big) magic is >tapped into and manipulated< , by some unknown force... (use a bucked of water or something... He's sleeping, not in a Deep-coma)

      >“Brrrreeeee!” a tremor went from the very tip of the pink pony's nose to the last hair in her tail >Her mane and tail puffed out
      -She's like popcorn ;)

      >“We must confound Jerry at every turn! Onwards, to adventure, me ponies!”
      -Jerry ? What's that reference ? Also, '''me ponies''... do me mean ''my ponies'' ?

      >Considering their prior journey to the ancient castle of the Royal Pony Sisters
      >Even the forest seemed brighter and more welcoming beneath the bright light of the full moon.
      -During last ''Summer Sun Celebration'', it was also technically a 'full moon', you know ? So, not much is different...

      >You're bleeding.” >Don't s'pose apple buckin' and scabs are a good mix.”
      -Huhhh, what now ? She had BURNS, like Fluttershy with her hoof, not cuts... On a related note, why Fluttershy couldn't help RD earlier ? It's her hoof that is BURNED, not her wings... (and all those 'burn marks' were stated (at MAX.) as 'second-degree', in last part I believe)

      >the voice echoing from the statue of what appeared to be a rather large serpent of some kind.
      -How large is this stone-construct 'serpent' ?
      >it drew up to its full twenty feet of height
      -Ah. Mmh, well, 20Ft=6.1m... that's a big serpent, but not really Giant-giant ;).
      But that's a relatively 'ok' size, I would say. At least 'THIS' snake isn't 20Km high, like another ''snake'' I know...

      >“Applejack? What's going—SNAKE!” the unicorn yelled out
      -Well, it's good to see that she has priorities ;), albeit not the best one at the moment.

      >“What?! But how did you?!”
      -It's Pinky Pie's Quantum powers, you silly stone serpent. :D

      >But golems are usually mindless servents. They can't speak or even really think without a master.”
      -''Usually'' is the keyword there...

      >“I... I think I know how to beat it, but I'll need time and focus.
      -Mmh... stone serpent... it's made out of rocks... A sonic impulse to shatter the stone, maybe ?

      >“Make out sessions later, girls!”
      -Pinky Pie and RD ?... :D

      >“Is it dead?” >“Do we...poke it with a stick or something?”
      -I wonder why poking dead stuff seem to be a fun thing to do for some people ? I never quite understood that... but I guess there's some humor in this.

      >same burns as the two of us.
      -...what ? Pinky ran around the serpent and stuff like that... she never touched any kind of energy shield, like AJ and Fluttershy did.
      No energy field was mentioned for the 'snake', like it was for Twilight.

      >“It's not even glowing anymore.”
      -The only glowing thing previously mentioned was its teeth and eyes, not his body. (Which make Pinky's burn marks even more strange)

      >She saw a cyan blur slide down the glowing fangs to join the yellow blur her own body had become.
      -I'm confused... what's going on there ?

      >voice promising that things were going to be okay. >But things just aren't okay in the end.
      -Well, I shall ready my stocks of *Boot the the Head*, for next part then... just in case...

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    24. In even less particular order...

      Spike in a coma... was rolling with the spell triggered affecting Spike moreso than the ponies both due to youth and his already present tiredness.

      Jerry was british slang for the Germans in WWI (& II I think, not sure), as seen in MST3K. Me is accent not typo. Might swap this later though...get a more generic thing.

      The darkness bit... moreso to the fact that the sudden darkness preceeding Giggle at the Ghosties wasn't present.

      Burn leads to scabbing, ripping scabs leads to bleeding. Timeline might not quite allow for AJ healing /that/ quickly, but I think the underlying cause works.

      Pinkie getting burned... Well she did jam her hooves into magically derived eyes and get blasted off.

      Snake's size... eh, this was mostly a episode thing... the room they're in just doesn't quite support all that much height... might shift this a bit because I did mean for the snake to be fairly long (in the 40 to 80 foot range) and a snake can't exactly stand up straight anyways (i.e. its going to have some body left coiled to support it standing up). Should probably have just gone general on the size in hindsight.

      Snake glow... well there was the thing about it biting itself and magic issuing from the wounds... but... mayhaps I could have had magic acting as some sort of connective tissue for a much more rocky structure. Never quite settled on a look for snakey.

      Cyan blur... Dash is cyan colored... sliding down a fang... Fluttershy can't see straight... I'm not being that obtuse am I? I overshoot being vague and settle on incomprehensible again?

      Fluttershy not acting as a ferry... well she didn't seem overly capable during Ep2 and at that time she was using her hooves to catch Twi.

      Burn variability... well, never said how bad the burn magic COULD cause. AJ's burn is meant to be of a different quality than Fluttershy's... somewhat for reasons I can't quite discuss. Might be spoilery in the end.

      Anyways, look forward to the many boots to the end you shall have in story. Just ordered my authorly helm of protection +1, should be here Tuesday. You're a fun commenter by the way... I mean that. *salute* And the unedited version is still viewable, but I honestly have no timeline for this story at this point.

      Thanks for the comments, Nova.

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    25. @Understatedly Hyperbolic
      Me think Spike would be relatively resistant... being a dragon and all. A deep sleep maybe (though I still hardly believe that he couldn't be woke up), certainly not a 'Coma'.

      80Ft would be way too high... Around 10m:30-40Ft is quite enough.

      >I overshoot being vague and settle on incomprehensible again?
      -It just seem to 'vaguely' point toward something way more worst than what it 'should' be...
      So, I'm not sure if I must 'frown' or not there.

      Finally, about whatever stories may follow, well... I simply wish to point toward the *Dark* tag, which ISN'T 'grimdark' tag...
      For no special reason... hmm...

      -----

      I read, think and wonder, theorize, and then comment... not everyone may like my way to proceed, but as long as people can get new information or things to think about, then it's 'ok'.

      ...of course, the content/direction of comments will vary depending on the content and quality of the story.

      Also... lot of words, yeah, I know. ;) (I don't always write so much)

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    26. @Nova25

      I'm still a bit muddy on Spike... a dragon is a magical creature... but does that necessitate resistance rather than receptiveness? Dunno. Maybe I'm used to the fantasy double-edged sword of 'good at magic/susceptible to magic' as a balancer. It's somewhat the same reason I have for Twi being manipulable, though there are other reasons as well.

      I'll likely just remove any exact measurements and have the snake be, for simplicity's sake, of room-filling size.

      If the vague inclination is the worst case scenario... well, you'll be at least partially right. (and thus did the readership drop *jk but not all the way jk*)

      I did indeed add the dark tag on FIM. Enough people commented for it to seem right. Probably won't update here until arc one is finished and edited though.

      --

      It's an interesting way of commenting, actually reads a bit more like prereader comments on gDocs do. As a sometimes prereader and leaver of long comments, I definitely appreciate these. Always fun to see someone's take... perhaps even moreso when it seems like an off-the-cuff/immediate comment. Rings of honesty or somesuch.

      Also, damn am I abusing the comment system for this...*headsmack*

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    27. @Understatedly Hyperbolic
      Well, regarding Spike's resistance coming from being a dragon and all... for that sort of things I often default to a good and reliable sources in the matter : The D&d Core Books 3.5E. :) (or well known RPG/adventure games, which also tend to be, partially, based on books the likes of D&d)

      Dragons aren't exactly ''magical creatures'', but do possess an affinity and a great resistance to it, usually. (See, Immunities) http://www.d20srd.org/srd/monsters/dragonTrue.htm

      Unicorns essentially are like an hybrid of Magician and Sorcerer ; they have an inate source of magic, yet they can become stronger, more magical by learning new spells. Using spells from memory or written in books.

      So... since they ''tap'' into their own pool of magic or surrounding magic for spells... We can suppose that other magical beings can also ''tap'' into those pools of magic and, if the being/creature is clever and the victim isn't prepared/protected (mentally or magically), they could do more than just ''tap'' into the mage's magic but also manipulate it or use it against him/her.

      Of course, this conversation here is only for 'information' purpose.

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    28. Ah... well my personal playbook is both similar to and completely different from that... I certainly do not have any knowledge of DnD to tap into/write with (never been all that much into high fantasy. stuck largely to low fantasy settings so magic is a bit of new one for me). Never sure how much can be placed into DnD rules when we're talking pastel colored ponies and all. (Alas, ponies be serious business)

      I'm likely more inclined to follow the rule of 'affinity for = susceptibility to' with the caveat of greater understanding/awareness leading to lesser susceptibility.

      'Course, if this isn't made clear/implied in the text itself then this is all purely academic anyways. I should probably glance over Spike's parts anyways. He's far too easily forgettable in scenes sometimes... especially in a written/non-visual medium.

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    29. If Dash isn't dead in the next chapter I will pick this up.

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    30. @DPV111

      You're explicitly requesting a spoiler?

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    31. @Understatedly Hyperbolic

      Basically I'm oversensitive and need a blow like that softened.

      1: Permanent Mane Character Death (or equivilant)
      2: Rape (or other torture)
      3: Irreversible Character Negative Personality Shift

      These are the 3 things that, while I still MIGHT read based on the quality of the story, I never ever want to encounter without forewarning.

      If you are willing to tell but want my e-mail so as not to spoil in the comments, I can give it.

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    32. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    33. Dear Author,
      You made me hurt in chapter 5, will keep reading. carry on

      Sincerely,
      Flamewar

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    34. Following intently on my lunch breaks, a little confusing at times, but I'm hanging in here for the ride, looking forward to epic devastation/and/or somehow bringing it all back but in a clever

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    35. way. must say this is pretty dark, just how far will it go

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    36. @DPV111

      Actually, heck with email, have a carefully (read 'maniacally') crafted spoilerrific gDoc.

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-PxkY04FxtdmYnAv__CB-rd2QCCHjAWcdS-234E1HrU/edit

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    37. Well. This is seriously more awesome than I expected. The story is great. Just wondering how deep it goes. Which actual event was the real onset of the current situation... Can't wait.
      Some editing issues throughout: typos and awkward sentence structure.

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    38. Now this looks like it could be an interesting story. I may have to check it out sometime.

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    39. For anyone tracking these comments, it updated and it's awesome.

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    40. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    41. for anyone having trouble with the link, click it, then godaddy loads, in addressbar change ".com" to ".net"

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    42. This comment has been removed by the author.

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