Author: BewareTheWater
Description: Twilight Sparkle and Rainbow Dash have found another thing in common, their love for Applejack.Dusk Part 1
Dusk Part 2
Dusk Part 3
Dusk Part 4
Dusk Part 5 (New!)
Additional Tags: First-Person, Relationships, Love, Emotion
103 comments:
inb4 first
ReplyDeleteand ooo, love triangle. sounds interesting :D
0.o
ReplyDeleteAn odd choice.
No matter how hard I try, I can't see Applejack liking mares. Now Twilight and Rainbow Dash? They do.
ReplyDelete@Narwhals' Bend I have to agree, she doesn't strike me as a fillyfooler.
ReplyDeleteTwilight doesn't really seem socially mature/self aware enough to know what/who she likes.
ReplyDeleteAJ now... I can see her with Rainbow Dash. I can ALMOST see her with Pinkie, but the epic name of that ship is probably making me see more than is there. Oh and Luna. (gogogo EbonMane). But Twilight? Hmmmmmmm, nah.
But I'm not gonna trash it for that. The voice was interesting and I do want to read part 3, so good job!
@Kits
ReplyDeleteI wrote a few paragraphs describing how I feel about my views on Twilight's sexuality, then realized I'm writing about the sexuality of pony in a children's cartoon...
Dash's section of the first one seems too...clinical. It feels very much like you write Twilight from Dash's perspective, rather than Dash's own thoughts.
ReplyDeleteThe flip-floppnig between two perspectives is a great idea, it's just..there's not that much contrast between these two.
This is a fairly well done story.Twilight has an acceptably non-existant eye for socially acceptable wordplay. Rainbow Dash voiced her opinions on AJ in an incredibly well thought out speach that suprised me. AJ is the only weak link, she isn't exactly fleshed out properly, but that can be fixed with another chapter.
ReplyDeleteI will definately read part 3, until then, 4 stars.
Thanks for the kind words and constructive criticisms! Sorry if you don't like the pairings, but everyone has different preferences with that stuff.
ReplyDeletePetition: Ban shipping art/fanfics
ReplyDeletePetition: ban the petitioning for bans on ships.
ReplyDelete@no space
ReplyDeleteYep.
I like the pairings no problem
ReplyDeleteTwiApple, odd choice but lets see where you take it
the awkwardness is tangible
XD
@Anon 12:32PM
ReplyDeleteHow about no.
For all those not sure about Apple/Twilight, I'd argue that those two spend more time together off screen that any other two ponies. They always seem to be hanging out at the beginning of episodes or scenes, especially in the first half of season one.
ReplyDeleteThe story isn't badly written or plauged with mistakes. Far from it, I really quite enjoyed it. I only have a few problems with it, most of which have been said already.
ReplyDeleteI'll be able to offer more critisim when I re-read the chapters ( and possibly the third) But for my first overlook it doesn't have any painfully obvious flaws. Nice story.
I liked it. Switching between the perspectives of the different ponies is a nice touch. Looking forward to more!
ReplyDeleteSecond chapter was odd; why did you have AJ at the end, when nothing was really revealed?
ReplyDeleteAlso, Twilight is being RIDICULOUSLY clingy. It's creepy as hell and I'm not sure it's in character. But it's probably part of the story.
Also, are you subtly shipping Dash and FS?
Also, Should of =/= Should have (should've)
@NinesTempest Thank you for your comment. The ending was there to show what Applejack was thinking rather than to show off anything new happening, I was trying to show that she saw the relationship in a different light to how Twilight saw it, maybe it didn't come across as well as I had hoped. For your second two points, I won't comment on anything directly plot related whether it's right on track or way off. As for your final point thanks for pointing out the typo, much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteReally didn't care for this one. TwiApple already seems like a highly unlikely ship and I didn't find it any more believable here, not to mention that the shipping in general felt kind of shallow, like they all just have crushes on each other rather than "In love" (Which they seem all to eager to admit, I might add). The inclusion of alcohol in any shipping fic really bothers me as well, it's really out of place in Equestria and just says to me that the author needs a way to create an "Awkward situation" so that shipping may commence.
ReplyDeleteBut my shipfic was rejected, so what do I know right? /bitterness
Ehhhhhh. First-person is REALLY hard to do well, and this just isn't doing it.
ReplyDeleteThe story's good, and I'm sure I'll follow it to it's conclusion. I like the love triangle, it is pretty well-written, and I also like the changing of the point of view mid-chapter.
Second chapter was definitely better than the first. But it would all be much better in third-person.
ALL HAIL APPLESPARK!!!
ReplyDeleteI am loving it. but even god can't help you if you tear apart my fav ship.
I will find you
and, thank you previous anon. I have said myself in other places that AJ and Twi are just a quick peck on the cheek away from being canon in the series. Seriously ponies, go back watch the episodes it's there.
You do Twi's childlike giddiness and underdeveloped social skills well.
Argh! Don't write in first person and then switch viewpoint ponies!
ReplyDeleteI'm probably a horrible person for saying this, but I kinda hope that Twi and AJ breakup and AJ ends up with Rainbow Dash. AppleDash is simply my favorite possible couple from the mane cast and the one that makes the most sense, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteEither way, it'll be interesting to see where this goes.
I prefer Trinkie Pie.
ReplyDeleteThis feels a little rushed. Twilight goes from "oh gosh is this love" to irrational jealousy in ten seconds flat. Give the relationship a little room to grow.
ReplyDeleteOn the good side, you write Dash's internal insecurities pretty well, and I can see some rough roads coming up between AJ and Twi concerning her clinginess. Her "zero to paranoia" time was pretty short, but not terribly so -- she does strike me as one to jump to conclusions.
ReplyDeleteNow it's constructive criticism time! :D
First off, just in general I'm a little bit sick of characters harboring secret crushes for one another and not saying anything until the other one works up the courage to say it first. This is lazy storytelling. It means you only have to write half of a ship and just handwave the other half. If AJ had feelings for Twi, she should be telegraphing it without even knowing it. That's how people work. Furthermore, if she's not acting on it, she must have personal reasons. What conflicted feelings are holding her back? That should be some interesting character building right there.
Second, your writing style bugs me more and more the longer I read it. You're in kind of a weird place, I think, where you have a good vocabulary and good phrases, but they don't quite flow together naturally.
You have this habit of repeating information that the audience already gathered by other means. For example, "It had saddened me when Applejack had backed out on her promise to be with me all day, but I knew I had overreacted." Yeah, we gathered all that like two sections ago, when it happened. Instead of repeating it, how about telling us what Twi is feeling now?
That leads in to my next point: you're writing first person, so you really need to give us a bigger window on the focus character's emotional state. For example, in place of the line I quoted above, you could put, "A little nugget of jealousy like an ice cube in my stomach had formed when Applejack backed out of our day together, and it had quickly been joined by a heavy pebble of guilt for my overreaction. I knew AJ had no reason to lie to me, but that didn't stop the conversation from replaying in my head every time I had a free moment -- as if I could divine her real feelings if I reviewed it enough."
If Twi has acknowledged her overreaction, that should have a further effect on her state of mind. When AJ shows up as promised, do the jealousy and guilt instantly evaporate? Or do they hang around and shade her perceptions of the evening? Does AJ notice, and does Twi apologize or pretend it didn't happen?
My biggest complaint is that I find your dialogue kind of stilted.
"You know what? You're right Pinkie, thanks for having this conversation with me, really." People don't talk like that. It doesn't sound conversational, and it doesn't sound like Twilight. Try this instead...
"You know what? You're right." I crossed my neck with hers in a quick hug. "Thanks, Pinkie. I mean it, thanks a lot."
Did you see what I did in the middle there? I noticed you don't write many gestures. See, people talk nonverbally a lot. They grunt, gesture, change their posture, and hesitate. All of those things convey meaning. If you add some of this, it really spices up dialogue, prevents "talking head syndrome", and immerses the reader in the story.
(more)
Everyone seems out of character to me. Sorry man, just not feeling it.
ReplyDeleteThere's another section that really bugged me, starting from AJ telling Twi she forgot about her promise to Fluttershy. It's almost like the characters are reading from two different scripts -- they don't quite seem to be reacting to one another's lines, somehow. The conversation doens't progress logically. AJ doesn't seem quite apologetic enough for literally ruining Twi's day, but then she doens't seem to take offense at Twi practically calling her a liar to her face.
ReplyDelete(I hope you don't mind me rewriting your writing, here. I do it because I'm not sure I can articulate the points I'm trying to make.)
"Listen, Twi, about that..." I sighed and shook my head. The unicorn's face was falling already. This wasn't likely to be pleasant. "I was so head-over-hooves last night, I plum forgot I'd promised to help Fluttershy herd some of her critters today. I'm mighty sorry, but I promised her weeks ago."
As I talked, I watched Twilight's face go from fear to disbelief to painful disappointment. For a second I thought she was about to start crying, but then her expression hardened into a stern frown. It was like watching hot sugar syrup harden and crack on a cool cookie sheet.
"This was supposed to be our day," she spat, shockingly harsh. Her eyes were so hot and fierce -- maybe it was lava instead of sugar syrup.
"Ah know, Twi," I said in a tone usually reserved for calming down upset critters. "But work's gotta come before fun."
"But this is supposed to be--" She waved her hooves in the air, searching for a word. "--Important! Can't you let Fluttershy handle it on her own? You promised!"
I swept my hat off, ran a hoof over my mane, and plunked it back on my head. "I can't do that, Twi! You know I can't! Look, if we're gonna be togther, you gotta understand. This time it's my fault, and I'll own up to that all day long, but... down on the farm, sometimes life just comes in and changes yer plans for ya. It's no use complaining, you just gotta... do your best. I should be done by sunset, easy, and I'll meet ya then."
That seemed to partially satisfy her. "Well... all right, then. Sunset. You promise?" she asked, almost begged.
I let out another sigh. "Ain't you been listening? No, Twi, I don't promise. But I'll do my best."
The key here is that you don't need to tell us AJ feels bad about letting Twi down -- we can figure that out easily. The important bits are how each character reacts to the other. And since we're being AJ at the moment, she can only guess at Twi's reactions. Describing what she can observe lets the reader draw their own conclusions, though, which makes them feel engaged.
By the way: there is nothing wrong with the word "said". Use it instead of "questioned", "stated", or "greeted" unless you have a really good reason not to. In fact, you should read Escher's writing guide -- he addresses that, and a lot of other issues. He talks some about description, and I find your writing a little on the dry side. You could stand to beef it up a bit.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@LordOfTheWrongs Thank you for your comment, it is much appreciated. This is my first proper try at writing fiction and I'm aware it shows, so all constructive criticism is helpful. I've made some minor changes to the first two parts with your advice in my mind (not enough to be worth re-reading, I'm not sure if a radical redraft is a good idea). I will try and keep your advice in mind while writing future parts though. I'm sure I will improve with time, every writer does when they try and this is definitely something I care about enough to really try. Thanks again for your comment! (my previous comment was removed by me due to a typo in case anypony was wondering)
ReplyDeletei like part 1.
ReplyDeletestill need to read part 2..
Still can't see Dash with AJ...
Twi maybe, but not Dash :/
I dont know, AppleSpark sounds like a cool name but I dont think they're fit for each other. I also think that Dash would be bi, more of a filly-fooler than not, Applejack would be more straight but still willing to be with a mare, and Twilight just wouldn't have enough experience to know.
ReplyDeleteI think AppleDash is my OTP though.
Then Flarity, then Pinkie Sparkle.
Or whatever. Feel free to rename those as you see fit.
This is really well written, too, but I think that Dash's part started out a litle too logically, and Appejack was just a bit odd. Also, Twilight jumped a bit too quickly I think, but some are saying the timing was right, it's all perspective.
All in all, 7.5/10.
Sue me.
I could see AppleSpark for the same reason AppleShy works, but Twi is kind of hard to ship, IMO. She can ship with practically anypony, but she doesn't have a particularly strong match among the mane cast. (Twixie are Twiluna are her strongest matches to my mind.)
ReplyDeleteI personally prefer AppleDash, RareShy and PinkieTwi, too, but I'll readily admit that the last is a tough one to get started.
I love this story, cannot wait for part 4!
ReplyDeleteTwilight is creeping me out.
ReplyDeleteSeriously.
Wow. They have been dating for just a week and they are having this kind of fight? Sheez, Applejack run away!
ReplyDeleteThis story is very difficult to read...
ReplyDeleteNot because it's in first person, or the issues people talked about above with language. It just....feels wrong. Twilight becoming overly clingy with extreme mood swings, and then Applejack blows up at her for asking to help? despite what happened in Ep. 4 it really really feels completely wrong that they acted this way.
I have gotten such wildly varying reactions to this story!
ReplyDeleteSorry if you really hate it, but clearly some people like it so I don't know what to say about that. Constructive criticism is very useful to me though, so whatever your opinion on this story I would be appreciate it to hear what you liked and what you hated.
Anyway, thanks for reading whatever your opinion may be!
This is kind of seeming like everypony will end up sad and alone. I really hope things work out. I can't take more sad Dash stories. I do like it so far though.
ReplyDelete@DJ Kat
ReplyDeleteActually, I can see Twilight actually acting like this. She's never been in a relationship before. Hell, even having close friends is something new to her. So her becoming clingy and jealous does make some sense.
my personal opinion is that twilight can be shipped with anyone although it would require a kind of "hiccup" in the story for it to begin. for lack of a better term think of it like autism, she's usually too absorbed to notice subtle changes in people and would require something that forcefully shifts her attention to the pony in question. her new found focus causes her to over think it and develop feelings for them (hence why twixie works so well) i also think applejack benefits from having the same "hiccup" scenario applied to her though not necessarily with the blind focus after realization
ReplyDeletecriticizms: first off i like how you broke the chapters up to show each characters view, something that ruins many other stories for sure.
my biggest problem was staying in character. this should be one of the easier areas to work on as i think the only thing you really need to do to make your characters pop (since you're in first person) is use words they would.
I.E. dash: "could tell with every cell of her being"
it doesn't feel like something rainbow dash would say. Even so much as "ever fiber of my being" is a bit much for her as the words feel very 'sciency'. dumber words fit her here "every part of me" or describe her mindset, maybe a voice in the back of her head (again just an example) "you'll let them all down". some very simple word choice like that would go a long way for your story.
my appologies if i seem kind of vague here but it's all i got for now. Escher's guide is a great resource. for now 3/5 stars. i shall continue to watch this story grow and comment on it as it develops.
there's no where to go but up
Why must I like shipping!?
ReplyDeleteAm I a bad person ED?
i read every word and i was torn over Twilights reactions, though I can see it possibly happening- tossing logic aside for love isnt an unusual concept. the only real complaint is the time span in which the situation unfolds just seems rushed. and i also agree with previous comments that the first-person characterization was a little flat. the overlapping of the characters was genius and intuitive as we get to experience each side of the story. minor grammar flaws aside, it was very well written and would be proud to have put this forward. good job.
ReplyDeleteI really liked it! Perhaps because I was in a similar position as Dash IRL, haha. Twilight IS acting out-of-character but i'd imagine this was all intentional to show how irrational the rational can be when in love? Regardless! Good work!
ReplyDeleteThis is a bit of a car crash of a fic, which I don't mean totally in a negative way.
ReplyDeleteTwilight, AJ and Rainbow Dash are all acting horribly in one way or another and I'll admit to being interested to see what's happening next, but I'm not particularly enjoying seeing them acting like that though at all.
So you've kept me reading, so yay but it's a yay with serious reservations.
By the end of the first one, I was like, "Oh God!"
ReplyDeleteBy the end of the second one, I was like, "D'Awwwwww..."
And then at the end of the third one I was like, Rainbow Dash is stupid.
I don't see why all you people think this is all out of place for twi to act the way she dose, I mean its her first relationship...
ReplyDeleteIn other news I love this story, cant wait for part 4 :D
This is... really weird.
ReplyDeleteKeep going though. It's just weird.
It's interesting... I guess considering it would be Twilight's first relationship like this, it makes sense she would have acted like that.
ReplyDeleteI always saw Dash and AJ as the most believable pairing... and I like how this is going so far. Though... I dunno, I know a love triangle predisposes people to jealousy, but for some reason I found it hard to see them being so angry at each other.
Though, I will admit, it did take the story on an interesting turn.
I think this is great, although it may be a tad rushed.
ReplyDeleteThis whole thing is just rather silly. I reckon in the next chapter they will all kiss and make up. Literally.
ReplyDeleteWell if this was an exercise in trying to make the characters at OOC as possible, it's succeeded. Seriously...the latest chapter is just even worse the the others. I can't see how unless there's a huge heel face turn in the story's direction and it turns out there was something external that made them act that way....I really really don't see it. At all.
ReplyDeleteI tried, I really did, but I couldn't finish chapter 4. Twilight's wild mood swings bothered me throughout the story. The just plain hateful fight between Twilight and Dash was the last straw.
ReplyDeleteAJ, at least, has been pretty much in character - you nailed her honesty, and how I think she would apply it to a relationship. While I don't think she would have been as harsh as she was with Twilight in chapter 3 - or have dived immediately into relations with Dash - those are still believable character stretches.
Please keep writing. You've got the bones of a good story here, and with some work on your characterizations, you could write some great fics.
I have 4 words to say, and 4 words only:
ReplyDeleteGod damn you rule 34.
I'm sorry...but both Twilight and RD are too OOC for me. Applejack is pretty much in character for the most part, though.
ReplyDeleteI was willing to accept how Twilight was in the first 2 chapters (love does tend to make you act differently, after all), but by chapter 3, I didn't buy it anymore. I simply don't see her as being that clingy and jealous.
Wow did a I say car crash fic, I'm upgrading it to a full on highway multi car pileup.
ReplyDeletePoor Twilight, well ok she's acting completely loopy from first relationship issues but still bloody hell.
Don't suppose you can wrap this up with them just deciding to have a threesome :D
Seriously though this is interesting stuff, keep it up.
Okay, I'm not going to pull punches. This isn't a flame, I'm trying to give some constructive criticism.
ReplyDeleteI've got a lot of issues with your presentation here.
Twilight goes off the deep-end and becomes badly clingy without any justification until well after the fact. Applejack explodes at Twi without any real foreshadowing or build-up, and Rainbow Dash is utterly repulsive going in on the rebound, betraying one friend and emotionally manipulating the other. Twi and Dash's fight is based on them sniping and lashing out at one another - if it had arisen because Twi had found out about Dash hooking up with AJ the same day Twi broke up with her, it would have had some meaning.
And it all takes place in... how long exactly? A week? Essentially a week, because in the two week skip-forward of chapter 4 nothing of importance happens. Everything is just far too rushed.
I don't see the point in writing a fanfic about these characters if you're not going to do your upmost to respect their characters. The love triangle is interesting, but your means for delivering conflict and drama is just awful. You don't present the reader with moments where we see things begin to tear at the seams and the happy situations begin to crack, instead we are just thrown into the moments where things fall apart.
Most of my issues with the OOC comes from this rushed feeling behind the story. I don't believe, or rather you as the author fail to convince me, that any of what is happening is possible. There isn't enough of a timeframe or evidence to show AJ getting worn down by Twi. There isn't enough highlighting of Twilight's insecurity to justify her clingy whining. There isn't enough musing on Rainbow Dash's part to show her growing desperation - we see her decide to get over AJ, then she flip-flops at the drop of a hat. So why even build her up as accepting in the first place?
You've got skill and potential but... I think you're missing your target badly here.
tl;dr, slow down and think this story through again. This is first person perspective - show us what's going on inside one character's mind (ie, Twi's insecurities), then show us how the next character fails to pick up on the other's problems. Use a light touch when introducing Twi's clinginess or Dash's desperation so it seems believable when the crisis comes to a head. Above all else, respect the characters above your own intentions.
okay, there's a lot of walls of texts going on so I'll just say this simply: Rashomon style would be interesting if done properly, but this isn't. get some more experience before trying again.
ReplyDeletesecond, this story has some serious character derailment going on. "... if I can't be loyal to myself?" isn't really justification, especially for making some of the characters horrible people, both of whom are effectively guilty of domestic abuse.
This is an interesting story. The only thing I have a problem with is Twilight being so clingy. Sure, the reasoning in her POV is sound (favoring studies over friends before coming to Ponyville and not wanting to be alone again), but her reactions to Applejack just seem a bit too sudden and phoned in. Plus, she is the smartest of the Mane 6, so, at least IMO, she would be the last to let her emotions fly like that.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, this is a great story, and I await to see how things go at Twilight's. :)
I find that alot of people are forgetting that love doesn't make you think rationally. In the real world a perfectly sensible person can become incredibly unreasonable and unpredictable for that love. Infact what is so nice about this show is that the mane six are indeed stereotypes/archetypes/rolemodels, but they do break character a bunch of times.
ReplyDeleteSo to have Twilight act so irrationally the whole time isn't that far out for a fan fic
@ Anon
ReplyDeleteIt's not the acting irrationally I have issue with. It's the massive shift in character that isn't built up or justified, isn't given enough time to actually go from quirk to problem and altogether isn't doing Twilight's character any justice. She doesn't act like a normally level-headed intellectual straining under the blossoming and confusing emotions she's experiencing, she acts like a generic 14-year old throwing a fit.
I was away for the majority of the past couple days so here's my response to all the newer comments. I will try my best to address your criticisms with my reasoning.
ReplyDeleteOK, one of the main criticisms I'm getting is that Rainbow and Twilight are very OOC. Yes they are, the entire thing I wanted to get across with this fic is that when you're in love (especially for someone like Twilight who hasn't been in love before) you do not act rationally, you don't think about what you're doing and you don't act like you normally do. I'm not trying to make excuses though, a lot of you have said that even bearing that in mind I went too far with how they acted, if you think that then I'm not going to disagree with you. The reader is usually right.
What many have also brought up is that all of the events seem a little rushed, no breathing time or room for relationships to grow in between events. All I can say to that is you guys are 100% correct and I regret not including moments like that, this is my first proper try at fiction writing and I'm happy that I've gotten all of this advice that I can use in any future writing. It's a little late to use on this fic though since chapter 5 will be the last one.
Thank you everyone for reading and for all of your constructive criticisms, I'm glad that at least a few of you enjoyed it and I look forward to writing something else, hopefully I will improve with time and all of your comments surely help me to do that.
-BewareTheWater
@ BewareTheWater
ReplyDeleteI'm sure your future projects will be great. I know I've done some heavy criticism here, but I do think you have a lot of potential as a writer.
Don't get discouraged by the negative points we've brought up, instead use the experience you've gained to build something greater on your next attempt. Be both confident and critical of your work, think and feel each important event through, and above all else keep on trying, and you'll deliver something great, I've no doubt.
@Sir Leadhead Uh... if this works, you are amazing, haven't read a good story in a long time... please update soon.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how tp use this site... um, if you can read this, amazing. Please post your other chapter quick... I love these kind of stories.
ReplyDelete@Var I enjoy criticism! Seriously, I know a lot of writers hate their work being criticized, but to me it means that someone actually had enough to say about what I've written to actually comment. Which is definitely a good thing.
ReplyDeleteI'm happy to hear you think I have potential and I hope to grow as a writer step by step. I doubt that my next story will suddenly be perfect or anything like that, but as I said, as long as it shows clear progress then that's enough for me.
@BewareTheWater That's a good attitude to have! Really, I'm glad you're going to keep on working and improving, be proud of that mindset! As a fanfic writer myself I know how tough it can be, and if I didn't think you had definite potential to become a strong storyteller I wouldn't have taken so much time to explain my issues with the fic.
ReplyDeleteI think the intention behind the fic is commendable, to be experimental is an important virtue to have. Keep experimenting, keep challenging yourself. Consider what critics have to say then make your own personal judgement - remember you're the one putting the effort into writing! Keep building off of what you know and what you learn, and I guarantee you'll make good progress.
I'll keep an eye out for the next one.
wait this is complete?? over and done with? I have to say I'm not completely satisfied with this ending. I'm OK with the ending for Twilight and Rainbow Dash with them having their revelations but I can't help but feeling there's something missing with Applejack. Surely Applejack has a reaction to all this too, after all she must be pretty distraught after what she had witnessed. Not writing a final piece on her makes this story feel incomplete to me
ReplyDeletewow.
ReplyDeletewhat did I just read..?
No more shipping for me.
WAYYYYYYYY too OOC.
Maybe he's leaving the ending open to interpretation? It's an annoying thing a lot of writers do, but at least this way everyone wins.
ReplyDeleteI would like a proper ending to this though.
Well I would like to congratulate the author on his work. This was a nice piece of drama that has believable characters with the bonus of staying in character. You've also managed a conflict that leaves neither rainbow or twilight as the clear "right" choice.
Sure rainbow was a jerk and pretty hostile, but she was driven by a sincere belief that twilight was every bit as bad as she said. Regardless of her sincere motives she has chosen the wrong choices.
Twilight knows where she is wrong and strives to correct herself instead of despair. She too falls into the same lapses rainbow does, but learns from it instead.
So you could take its as twilight and rainbow representing two different end results of the same person. You could take them as two separate people. There are so many morals and messages in this piece it's astounding.
The bittersweet hopeful ending really got to me, really tugged at my heartstrings. It satisfies that crave for a happy ending while both denying it, and staying close to a realistic world, but an ideal one.
Bittersweet. My new favorite feeling.
However, the ending is still left open. Anything could happen. I still hope for a proper ending but I think it's almost better if you leave it this way.
go on.
ReplyDeleteI cried a bit at the end but it was bittersweet and it was left open enough for interpretation or a sequel!
ReplyDeleteThank you people for your kind comments. The ending was something I struggled with for a long time, I didn't decide on exactly what would happen until last minute because all of the endings I thought of felt too unfair to one character or another. On a related side-note I found out the many virtues of planning every detail out before starting something. Anyway, I kept the ending open to interpretation because I think if I had a more concrete ending many would have been annoyed as what they wanted to happen didn't happen. So instead of disappointing half of you a lot I opted to disappoint most of you a little with a vaguer ending. Was it the right choice? I'm not sure. Will I change it? No.
ReplyDeleteOn not writing an ending part for Applejack I chose to do this because her part was atmospherically very different from the other two ponies and it just made everything flow awkwardly. As for a sequel, I highly doubt it, sorry. But I will write more shipping stories so just look out for them (This time with 95% more planning). I hope to grow as a writer with each piece so don't think this is the best i can deliver.
Whether you liked it, hated it or were just plain neutral towards it I want to thank everyone for reading and commenting. Apart from those people who comment about completely unrelated things, that's not useful at all.
-BewareTheWater
This was fantastic. Not only was there competition in this fic, but an ending that was happy enough, while still being realistic. 5 stars from me.
ReplyDeletePretty well written IMO.
ReplyDeleteEnding seemed realistic and not overly doom-n-gloom that I'd expect from telling a story concerning a situation such as this.
Good job.
It was nice, the ending could have perhaps been a little less open ended, but it's good to keep everyone somewhat happy with the ending.
ReplyDeleteHonestly, I was waiting for some sort of twist, which would make everything better in the end. Apparently not xD
So... 4/5 altogether.
I didn't really like this story at first. The first-person marrative bugged me, and some of my favorite characters were being total idiots. But the narrative style interested me and I decided to stick to it. I'm happy I did. The ending was a nice change from the usual happy-go-lucky everypony wins endings we see so often. My only complaint is that the ending really left Applejack hanging. An open-ended ending is one thing, but completely ignoring one of the main characters in the conclusion is something else entirely. Still, it was pretty good all-around.
ReplyDelete4/5
WOAH, do girls really think like this?? I now understand why girls can become a bit emo-ish xD Girls are just too dang complicated. Summing up this is really the old joke where the man has "on" and "off", and the woman has this giant control board with hundreds of switches and buttons. =P
ReplyDeleteI liked this story. It was written in the style of a childrens book series I read as a kid... Wicked, I think, switching back and forth between the view points of the main characters. It's an interesting take on story writing that few people do, probably because it's extremely hard, but it gives an insight to each characters motivations and feelings on situations that enlightens us in ways other story structures don't.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
I'm glad at how this ended. Twilight and Rainbow fighting was horrible to read.
ReplyDeleteThat last sorry from Rainbow may have cause me to shed a manly tear.
I admit, I was getting very annoyed with this story till the end. Thank you for pulling the nose up on the impending fiery crash I was almost guaranteeing I was about to see. The end was a bit loose for me, I wanted a little more wrap-around on AJs post walk-out feelings and a little more reach into Twilights realizations. I can understand why not and its just on me and my need to know more.
ReplyDeleteIf we're truly rating beginning to end, I'd hit you a 3.5/5. Thank you and keep up writing.
I daresay the ending was the right choice. I don't particularly care for most of this, for pretty much all the reasons already mentioned by others. But the ending does redeem it all somewhat.
ReplyDeleteOdd. I don't really like this story because of the way the characters act. Too out of character for me, though I could see Twilight as the clingy type when it comes to a relationship.
ReplyDeleteWhat I did like was the style of writing. The same events, through another's eyes adds a whole new layer to things.
Am I the only one that felt like Twi was almost cheeted because of Dashie? Dashie just seems to be the type to be manipulative (her character seems to point to that), and in the end Twi just wanted to apologize to AJ, but Dashie made her so mad because of the way was acting! So in the end Twi let her anger take her because of how Dashie was acting...it just seems that in the end she was cheated and really didn't care if she got back together with AJ, and like I said before Dashie made her mad so Twi wanted to get back at her any way she could...
ReplyDeleteI thought this was great! I think it should have been tagged as sad to..because at the end I couldn't help but to be sad for all three and the fact that it was ending... (It possibly needs to be labled Bittersweet to? I'm not sure about that one..but its pretty sad through out the story, but it ends happily..I duno...)
Was that, the end?
ReplyDeleteDid it REALY end that way?
This is a question not just asking out into space is part 6 of dusk the ENDING?
Wow, everyone but Applejack is astonishingly out of character in this. Seriously, this is almost impossible to read as an MLP fic.
ReplyDeleteYes, Twilight is naive and inexperienced, and yes "love" (I use quotes because you gave us such a limited time frame that I can't believe it was anything more than infatuation) can make one do stupid things. But she's not psychotic - she's actually one of the more level-headed characters in the show. As such, I just can't see her acting in as extreme a manner as she is here.
And I tell you what, if I had a friend who was "loyal" the way Rainbow Dash is in this, I'd question what the hell was wrong with me for having them as a friend in the first place - and then I'd drop them like a bad habit. And the first-person narration only helps to highlight that she is a completely contemptible individual. What you have presented here isn't loyalty; this is outright sociopathy. And the fact that you seem to have confused the two concerns me somewhat.
Your style has merit. If it weren't for my teeth-gnashing over character derailment, I'd probably have been quite engrossed. Basically, this may have worked as a story with original characters and a longer time-frame. But, your determination to ignore working with the characters as-is in favor of forcing these particular ponies into the molds you've created yourself has resulted in nothing but a terrible mess.
That was depressing, a bit. However, the ending was really good. Bittersweet, of course, but sometimes relationships end like that. I'm just glad they decided to do the right thing in the end, and realized what they did wrong.
ReplyDeleteMr. Author, I am dissapointed at this... ending. I'm not even sure that calling this an "ending" would be correct. The word "cliffhanger" suits it better don't you think? Oh! Here's an idea! Let's finish the story with both Twi' and Dash, and let the people suffer trying to come up with their own conclusions now that the most important character in the story has left and no one knows what her thoughts on both her friends are! No one cares anyways!
ReplyDeleteI CARE!!! I had waited this moment for a looong time and you destroyed what could've been the best shipping fanfic OF ALL TIMES!!! Just when I was expecting yet another magnificent chapter, you dare divide by zero. It's totally unacceptable. You need to write Chapter 6. We need to read Chapter 6. What about an EPILOGUE? Now there's an idea right there! And excuuuse me if I'm being an asshole here, but I think I speak for everyone when I say "this is definetely a cliffhanger"...
@Erick
ReplyDeleteYes.
I agree with you on this one. I HATED the 'ending', I mean yea ponies have hatred for others SO FREEKING WHAT!? I wouldn't break up with someone for disliking someone els.
Ok that was assholeish of me Im sorry :(
ReplyDeleteJust pissed about the ending.
meh, not as good as other shippy stuff i read but i guess its just different styles. ill give the writing 4/5.
ReplyDeleteSPOILERS
ReplyDeleteI'm venturing to disagree with all the people that hated the ending. I was happy that the ending had Rainbow and Twilight making true resolutions to change. It was great that Twilight found the drive to finally work on her self esteem. I was floored that RD decided to try and patch up her friendship, because that was what bothered me most reading this. When AJ left, I sincerely thought one of the two might commit suicide. The fact that the author found an alternative that was satisfying and plausible was remarkable.
My problems began with Twilight being only slightly on character. I'm willing to accept that she would become clingy due to her social ineptitude. But, she had learned so much about friendship that I thought she was too social for this to work. Rainbow Dash was simply not Rainbow Dash. I'll accept her selfishness in Ticket Master and confrontational nature in Look Before You Sleep as examples, but that isn't enough. Neither one of them would ever behave this way.
To be fair, the author has acknowledged this. Still, I think everypony agrees that this would be much better as an original story than a fan-fic.
The cloud was an excellent plot device and a wonderful example of what this writer has potential to achieve. It was used incredibly well in the conclusion.
Applejack was written rather well and I fully agreed with what you thought she would do given this situation. I'm not so sure about her rebounding like that, but when people are distraught, it can happen.
In the future, I would advise keeping in mind that while the mane six are capable of conflict, they are very good pe... ponies. They are the elements of Harmony after all. You can do stories where they do not behave amiably, but it requires carefully executed character development, or rather, regression. A good example would be "Cupcakes", yes that Cupcakes. Even allowing that Pinkie Pie demonstrated psychotic symptoms and unipolar diplomania, she isn't a violent or hurtful individual. She sincerely threw Gilda a party even after all that happened. She had many conflicts where violence was an option, but she used laughter to resolve them. That story wildly speculates instead of really trying to explore the character.
Now, not to worry, I'm not trying to say you unleashed a Cupcakes on us, but it is an example of where leading your interpretation off the beaten path and out of character can go. Plus, I noticed myself loosing interest as they diverted themselves too far from the canon. As far as fan fiction is concerned, I read it because I love the characters and want to see more of them. I don't usually like drama/breakup/accusation stories, but strong faithfulness to the source material can help a reader enjoy any genre of fan fiction.
I am really impressed at what I see in here and look forward to your future work. The fact that you take criticism well is fantastic and will surely help you grow as an author. Clearly you wrote something compelling, considering how much I wrote. lol
Just finished it, and I think it does some things very well, and some things less well, but overall, I can't sit here and pretend I didn't enjoy it considering I read it in a single sitting. It drew me in, and that means that you got something down very, very right.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of the comments here that Dash and Twi seemed OOC. You've already responded to this etc etc, no need to go on about it, I'm just saying I felt that too.
The perspective change and rewind approach was perhaps what set your story apart from others. It could've been a forgettable fic if it was entirely chronological and simple, but given the chance to explore the same scenes from different angles, and getting multiple ponies' thoughts in this manner was actually surprisingly cool.
I think there was a bit too much of an overlap in chapter 5 in the final confrontation, though. I found myself checking ahead and skimming, suddenly.
There's something to be said for being unique, too. You wrote a fic tagged "Shipping" and gave it a melancholy, bittersweet ending. I read it 'till the end, and I feel unfulfilled, unsatisfied with the ending. In a way, that's a victory for you; you made me care. Ideally, of course, you want me hating you and threatening you at this point, instead of just sad, of course, but eh!
Seriously though. I think the fact that two out of three characters felt very OOC was the problem. It's a huge problem, of course - the biggest possible problem, one could say - but I also think that when you fix that (+1 reader here, waiting for your next fic!) you might just play the strings of my heart like a ukulele.
Well done, thank you for writing this! It saddens me to know some people might only read 5 or 6 star fics when there are fics like this; the star system isn't perfect.
@Cloudy Skies Thank you very much for the feedback, I'm glad you enjoyed it to so some extent at least!
ReplyDeleteAs for too much overlapping in chapter 5, I feared that while writing it, but couldn't think of a suitable way to solve it while still giving out all the information I wanted to, but I will agree with you that it was a problem.
I'm glad you you liked the style of writing and I'll tell you now that I'm using a similar system in my upcoming fic. I'm happy to have gained a reader and I hope you enjoy my future stories!
I have no idea how to represent how I feel. Aside from happy how Rainbow Dash came to terms, Applejack was right for what she done, and that I want a descriptive ending from AJ's perspective and Twi's perspective.
ReplyDeleteNoticed a mistake:
ReplyDelete“I'm not taking that from you Rainbow, Pinkie told me that you got together with Twilight the very day we broke up, how's that for manipulating emotions?"
Wouldn't that be “I'm not taking that from you Rainbow, Pinkie told me that you got together with APPLEJACK the very day we broke up, how's that for manipulating emotions?"
too bad....I really enjoyed the first 4 parts , then the final one destroyed the whole fic...
ReplyDeleteLike a movie , the ending will describes if i loved it not...and this is not a fic i liked at all , only because of the ending.
1/5
and it would be a good idea to add a ''sad'' tag...cause thats how it is.
ReplyDelete@jorge
ReplyDeleteThanks for pointing that out! Fix'd.
As for the anonymous after you, I'm sad that the last part didn't appeal to you, but many have said it was the best part. It's impossible to please everyone and this is just an example of that.
That last few lines on chapter five.."I had a plan on how to move on and I had come to terms with all that had happened to me and all that I had done. I smiled. Everything seemed OK now, at least it in a sort of bittersweet way. But life is bittersweet and I was just glad to be a part of it."
ReplyDeleteThat was one of the best parts of it. It really captured the essence of a personality like rainbow dash.
Loved it :) I've been avoiding this fanfic for a while now because of the triangle, I was unsure of how this would work out. I can honestly say I loved it though, one of those stories that make you think about life and emotions...
ReplyDeleteYou sir get a 5
The ending made me dislike Applejack. Becoming disgusted at people for becoming angry because they genuinely care for you and think the other is going to hurt you? She was particularly unfair to Dash who really was ashamed of how she had acted after the first fight and came to Applejack immediately. I see her swooping in on the rebound to be lapse of judgement and self-control, but suddenly she's called manipulative for genuinely trying to act like the best girlfriend she can be. Really, I was sympathetic towards Dash the entire time. Twilight is downright crazy but Applejack blowing up on her after one week and while she was offering to help made the foundations of her feelings for Twilight look kind of weak. I have a hard time believing she had any concept of love after she storms out on both of them for losing their composure. Some things are worth getting angry about.
ReplyDeleteT: I love you very much.
R: I love you very much and think she's a crazy manipulative jerk.
T: She only acts nice cause she wants you to like her.
R: She only acts nice cause she wants you to like her.
A: OMG! I can't believe you guys don't like each other! I don't love either of you anymore lol! Bye!
TLDR: Applejack is a monster for breaking Rainbow Dash's heart.