CLOUDSDALE FORCED TO CONSTRUCT HANDICAP ENTRANCE
By Joe Stevens
In order to comply with the new guidelines presented by the Equestrian government, the city of Cloudsdale has been commanded to construct handicap accessible entrances to its cloud-bound city. This comes as a complete surprise to all citizens of Cloudsdale and has nothing to do with that time we sent Freddy Baxter up there with an improvised jet pack and caused extensive property damage and broke Freddy’s leg.
The order comes from the office of Deconstructing Open Problems in Equestria, or DOPE.
To the Pegapodes who live in Cloudsdale, the city has always been a place where they can feel at home. From the rainbow factories to the cloud-filled streets, it has been a refuge for all things Pegasus and where they can truly feel the strength of their own achievements. This sense of bliss and self-satisfaction, however, is exactly the reason that the bureaucracy has intervened.“It is inexcusable that flightless ponies cannot walk in the clouds,” stated Daisy Daycare, head of DOPE, “If there exists a city built of nothing but insubstantial magic and scientifically implausible, outright physics-defying parameters, then every pony should have free and open access to it.”
It is true that any non-Pegasus will be unable to reach Cloudsdale, as it exists only in the hearts and dreams of us all, and 1.2 kilometers above the surface of the Earth. Non-winged ponies have made attempts to reach the city via balloon or magically-created wings. This requires a substantial use of magical energy, however, and the DOPE office has declared it discriminatory to force such a barrier of entrance.
Ignoring calls from Pegapi across Cloudsdale that a physical entrance will be too costly to construct, DOPE has further called for sidewalks and other substantial methods of walking around the city, as flightless ponies cannot walk on clouds. When asked how one were to construct a sidewalk on a cloud, DOPE did not respond.
In a countersuit that hopes to have the ruling thrown out, several Pegasuses have commanded that they be allowed to use magic as unicorns do, since this is an inequality similar to the restriction to Cloudsdale. Rainbow Dash was the first to volunteer for any attempt to give a Pegasus a magical horn. This has been universally declared a bad idea.
GEM-LINED POLKA-DOTTED CAPRIS GO OUT OF STYLE
By Freddy Baxter
In a fashion wave that has hit the clothing industry completely not by surprise, it seems that the once popular gem-lined Capri pants are no longer accepted as in style by top experts in the field. In reaction to this, Ponyville resident Rarity has unleashed a torrent of anger and violence the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Rainbow Dash first discovered the joy of dropping rocks from an extremely high altitude.
“It’s not fair!” Rarity exclaimed, “I had just made three more outfits based purely around my Capris! Look at these pants! Look at them!”
For refusing to look at the Capris, this reporter was summarily propelled out the door at maximum velocity.
Since discovering that her beloved not quite hoof-reaching pants were no longer the fashion icon they had once been, Rarity has been seen defacing public and private property all over Ponyville. Gems have been torn off people’s clothing. The paint was peeled off of the mayor’s home. And Rarity has been placing Capris on top of chimneys and roofs with reckless abandon, screaming all the while “Look at them!”
Apparently there is only one person in town who thought this was a joyful event. Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie had encountered Rarity while on the pony’s rampage, earning Rarity’s ire enough that the pony wrapped Pinkie Pie’s head in one of the now fashion no-no Capris. Pinkie Pie lauded her “pants hat” and was seen bouncing around in delight as Rarity continued her path of destruction.
Because of the posting of Gem-lined polka-dotted Capris all over town, several fashion icons in Equestria have rediscovered the article of clothing and now claim that it is once more in style. Thousands of fashion-conscious ponies are now wearing the item and Rarity has taken the vandalizing pants off of buildings to be sold to her many customers, teaching the pony absolutely nothing.
(EI Muckraker Section)
IS TWILIGHT A SECRET GOVERNMENT AGENT
SENT TO DESTROY ALL WE HOPE AND CHERISH?
LUNA TO PUBLISH BOOK:
“1000 YEARS WORTH OF RAINY-DAY ACTIVITIES”
Having now spent almost twelve months returned to solid ground after one thousand years with nothing but moon dust to keep her company, Princess Luna has decided to celebrate her one-year anniversary of sanity in a marvelously capitalistic fashion.
Titled “1000 Years Worth of Rainy-Day Activities,” Princess Luna has revealed all the tips and tricks that kept her at least reasonably lucid during her 1000 year confinement. While it contains many of the typical games and arts & crafts expected in such a book, the Good Princess took the time she was given to develop a few of her own activities.
This reporter was fortunate enough to receive an early edition in the mail just the other day, Princess Luna apparently one of the EI’s more notable readers. Contained within the pages of this tome are such wonderful pastimes as “Crater Crafting,” “Meteor Catch,” and “Moon Rock Sculpting,” as well as the highly unusual “Catch the Rabbit.” Ignoring the fact that most of these require very little atmosphere or gravity, let alone the fact that there really shouldn’t be any rabbits on the moon, I was quite impressed with the effort put into some of these games. Although I do advise our non-unicorn readers to use padding while playing Meteor Catch.Once I get out of this hospital I anxiously await the next scheduled rain storm to put some more of these activities to the test.
NAILS ‘N SHINGLES: ROOFERS WITH EXPERIENCE
Need your roof weatherized for winter? Old rafters leaking in the rain? Rainbow Dash crash through your ceiling for the fifth time this week? Call Nails ‘n Shingles Roofing and we’ll get your roof fixed today! Whether you have thatch or wood or even a clay roof that’s been destroyed as Rainbow once again tries to do that curly-cue maneuver where she rolls end over end at near super-sonic speed, we have the experience to get the job done. Contact Nails or Shingles in our office in Ponyville, right next to the library. Winter Wrap-Up rates available.
Joe Stevens: Sr. Reporter/Sr. Writer/Editor/Founder/Ladle Owner
Joe Stevens is a very odd fellow with an obsession for the truth. He only wants to divulge information to others and reveal the facts. After hearing that there was great interest in the goings on at Equestria, he decided to come out of retirement from his jawbreaker-stashed house in a private island off the coast of the United Arab Emirates and found a new paper in Ponyville. After the success of the Gravy Inquirer, a weekly paper about the goings on of Ed, Edd, ‘n Eddy and other residents of Peach Creek, Joe has decided to resurrect the old staff and reveal the true goings on in the world of ponies. Thus he created the EI. He tirelessly delves into the lives of the ponies in an effort to make his publication the best quality possible. He is also a member and strong supporter of the International Gravyist Following.
Contact Joe at firstname.lastname@example.org
C0mpu3lf: Designer/PhotographerC0mpu3lf is in charge of the layout, formatting, distribution, and pirating of the Equestria Inquirer. C0mpu3lf roarented the first issue of the EI three million four hundred sixty two and three quarters times. Rather than press charges, Mr. Stevens requested that the savvy dragon join the EI staff. C0mpu3lf is responsible for the shiny paper you now see. In return for his service, the dragon limits roarenting of the EI to no more than three times the population of Equestria, a compromise that ensures the continued profitability of this publication. He also brings us donuts.
Freddy Baxter: Assistant Senior ReporterFreddy Baxter was the founder of the Baxter Inquirer, a publication revealed the happenings of the City of Townsville. After that publication was ended due to protesting citizens and the Powerpuff Girls arresting his brother, Joe hired Freddy to work with him on the Gravy Inquirer. Freddy has since returned from hunting down war criminals to be our head reporter at the Equestria Inquirer. Freddy’s experience in muckraking and reporting is invaluable to the EI. He can usually find out the where a story is and lead our team right there. He is also the head of the EI Research and Cheese Dip Team, the team that usually uncovers all those little facts that we show.
Gumshoe is the first new employee at the EI Staff. She is a resident of Ponyville with a cutie mark of a notepad and pen. Thankfully she is a unicorn so she doesn’t have to use special typewriters or computers in the mostly bipedal EI Headquarters. Gumshoe’s experience and knowledge of Equestria are invaluable to our reporters and staff.
Dwain Dibley: EI Labs ChiefDwain comes to us from the UK where he has worked for years on multiple scientific things that would take hours to explain. He was originally working on a device that would turn all residents of planet Earth into koalas. As much fun as it would have been to live on Planet Koala, there was work to be done in Equestria so Dwain agreed to once again join Joe in making a top-notch research laboratory. Dwain is the man who tells us how things from magic to technology work and has revealed many a truth for the EI.
Money Bags: EI Financial Expert
Money was originally caught embezzling gems in a giant operation with the help of baby deer. When it turned out he was running a fawnsy scheme, he lost all his gems. While this cash bag cutie-marked pony has many times tried to sell the EI to investors from Croatia, his insight into the financial world is without compare. We just have to make sure to lock up all our financial statements when he’s around. But so does everyone else in Equestria, making his research highly effective, if irritating.
Celsius Sunshine: EI Weather Chief
Celsius is a Pegasus who monitors the weather conditions across Equestria for the EI. Her cutie mark is a happy-faced sun with sunglasses. She also has released several hit singles and performs weekends at various Cloudsdale venues. Celsius is not on speaking terms with Rainbow Dash. Apparently Rainbow quit her band at some point, we’re not sure about the details. Clesius’s album is available at the FiRE-TUNES music store.
Dr. Shcrewy: EI Psychological Analyzer
The Doc handles all the stuff to do with our mental problems. He came to us originally after being fired from working as the p-psychiatrist of some movie lot. After the GI ended, he disappeared from society. Joe found him hiding under a bridge in Egypt referring to himself as “Patsy.” Despite our better logic, we’ve given him a job again. Watch out for this guy, though, he’ll tell you you’ve got feelings you’ve never even heard of.
Finish Line: Sports Reporter
Finish is our sports expert. An all-star athlete in her own right, she single-handedly broke every record imaginable. None of these records are kept, actually, and we’re not sure half the sports exist. However she did spend five years as the coach of the Thunder Bolts so some of it has to be true. While we have no clue if she’s ever telling the truth about her own stories, her sports reporting is top notch. Of course we’re pretty sure she only joined the EI because she gets free tickets to all the sporting events across Equestria.
David Hammons: ?
Highly Underpaid Intern: He Makes the Coffee
He makes the coffee.