• Story: Claro de Luna (Update Complete)

    [Shipping][Sad][Normal] "A music masterpiece of love and intrigue" -Pre-reader #16


    Author: James Corck
    Description: Princess Luna experiences love at first sight during a concert in Canterlot, as she is struck by the talent and beauty of the main cellist, Octavia. How does love endure when you can't age and your loved one can?
    Claro de Luna Part 1
    Claro de Luna Part 2 (New!)


    Claro de Luna (All Links)

    Additional Tags: Slice of Life, Romance, Love, Music, Coping with the Loss.

    96 comments:

    1. What can I possibly say to this other than that song lawl

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    2. GAH! ahain! I was working on this exact same pairing!

      Well, looks like it's butterflies and apple pies all over again.

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    3. @MichaelXX2
      Moonlight Sonata is ridiculously awesome.

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    4. Is this story really 1-star bad?

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    5. inb4 Octavia plays a double bass....


      Ahem.

      Certainly a different angle for Octavia. Cute story. Hopefully it won't get too angsty....so far it's very sweet.

      But a few things bothered me. First....a cello (and string section in general) in a *marching band*/troop? Also, "music sheets"?
      Also, some tenses made it confusing, and though the "Octavia is italic, Luna is normal" was nice, there should still be some more description than dialog-dialog-dialog with NOTHING else as there is a few times.

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    6. Really good, I look forward to more.

      Also, nice play on words with Debussay's Clair De Lune. :D

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    7. Interesting interpretation for Octavia. I would never have imagined her as a mute. Still can't, really, but hey, I'm not the author.

      It doesn't really feel like this story has much of a conflict right now; it's all so simple, which should be the very last adjective I would want to use to describe a princess pursuing a romantic relationship with another female. No shock from the public? No second thoughts from Octavia? It can't be as easy as "Hey, you're cute, let's go out without anyone being surprised about it!" There's no event that really kick starts any sort of interesting plot--it's just two mares falling for one another at a really fast pace.

      Then again, I suppose it IS only Part 1, so there's tons of different ways to spin this ship, especially with Octavia being mute.

      As for the writing style, it relies heavily on dialogue, and it's all very bland dialogue that comes in giant orders. Both Luna and Octavia are coming across as somewhat flat as a result, and I'm not getting the impression that there's much chemistry between them. In a shipping fic, there has to be clear, believable buildup. Sure, the one sided, love at first sight thing with Luna is a good start, but I don't get anything from Octavia that makes me think that she feels the same way about Luna. Again, I'm going to give the benefit of the doubt and just assume that the interaction between the two will warm up with more parts. Try and use more description and less dialogue; actions speak louder than words, right?

      And sorry if this is nit-picky, but sting instruments like cellos aren't in marching bands. They're in orchestras and philharmonics.

      Another nit-pick, but Luna says she feels naked in that transparent dress...but ponies don't usually wear clothing anyway, so why should this be such a big deal?

      Overall, tons of potential for future parts, even if part 1 is kind of lack-luster. I'll be on the look out for the next installments.

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    8. LOL @ Levi's ad to the right, "Get Free Shipping". How appropos..

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    9. Cello in a marching band? How does one march with a cello? Can someone demonstrate this for me?

      Fridge Logic aside, I'm enjoying this story so far. A nice touch making Octavia mute, it adds an interesting aspect to her personality.

      Oh, one other minor nitpick. "...sentenced Luna." This dialogue tag seems a bit... off.

      Anyway, can't wait to see the next parts!

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    10. I don't really see anything wrong, aside from a few (Handful at best) Logic issues that just irritated me while reading. One being touched on the most is the Marching Orchestra? How wut why?

      That, and a serious missed opportunity with the first interaction with Luna and Octavia.

      "The Moon Princess just asked me out on a date. This isn't weird at all and I shouldn't be debating it for more then a few seconds anyways. By the way, I'm conveniently into Mares and this goes relatively unexplored"

      You know? Just...That kind of thing. But it's a really interesting, if not also adorable story of Luna and Octavia, a relatively untouched ship. Looking forward to what else have you.

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    11. Hey there guys, author here.

      I will be answering to some of your comments one by one. So far I am really appreciating the feedback I am getting, all towards improving my style.

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    12. I like this story but two things bothered me.

      There was mention of a branch in the road and then glass. I'm wondering what this all means because it sounds like it is implying that the ponies were driving cars. I can't imagine that.

      Also Luna mentioned knowing a teacher from about 400 years ago. Luna was imprisoned during this time though. There is no way she could have known her.

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    13. @Adrian Brony

      Hey Adrian! I tried to contact you on Ponibooru about this story, but I guess I didn't try hard enough. Go on with your fic idea! I really want to see it coming to life, it sounded awesome!

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    14. @Hio590

      I would preffer Lunatavia :3

      Octuna or Octaluna sound like Pokémon names or Spiderman villains XD

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    15. @Melodia

      Yeah, people keep saying the double bass thing, but what she plays is a cello. She just plays it differently.

      I fixed the marching band, I should have said Philarmonic.

      As for the description of the dialogue, my original idea was to put the description of her hooves gestures, without her dialogue being written down. I dropped it as soon as I realized the action didn't move forwards, and I spent five pages in a dialogue of seven lines.

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    16. @SIaanme

      I am happy to see you liked the Octavia is a mute idea. I was worried nopony would accept it ^^;

      I fixed that dialogue by the way, thanks for pointing it out.

      Also, don't expect more than just another part. The story was going to be just one long document that lasted 47 pages. I decided to split it in two so it's easier to read through it. At least, that's how I see it.

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    17. @Scribe L

      Yeah, yeah, marching orchestra, I'm an idiot, just fixed that :3 Thanks for reminding me there are other types of musician groups though, not being an english speaker I tend to forget quite a few words sometimes.

      As for the interaction, I didn't want to have any conflicts. I hate when conflicts show up during love stories, don't you? I'd rather watch a couple in love living their lives, and I tried that here. I think I didn't fully succeed, but then, romance is not my genre ^^;

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    18. @Fleymevas

      Yes, carriages also have glass when they are enclosed ones. Remember Over a Barrell? The carriages are covered ones with glass windows.

      About the teacher, Octavia said the teacher died 400 years ago. I wanted to flex that story for a future fanfic and explain how could she live for so long, since she knew Luna before becoming Nightmare Moon. I will go back to that in the future, after my other fanfics are finished.

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    19. Well, all questions I might have had have already been answered. Whilst I can see some of the critique giving regarding dialogue and such, it didn't really bother me. It may have been nice to have a bit more exposition when Luna first asks Octavia for a date as stated by others. For the most part, I enjoyed it enough. Octavia being mute... I don't mind it, its an angle, but I can't help but wonder if you were inspired by Feedback for that one.

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    20. @James Corck
      Oh yeah the carriages. I remember those now.
      But I still can't make sense on how they had an accident with a branch in the road. Were they really moving that fast in a carriage?

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    21. @Fleymevas
      It's just an accident, maybe he tried to avoid the branch because he was scared it would bump the charriage too badly and it tip over, shattering the class maybe? Use your inmagination

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    22. I don't think it's my place... But I believe you should really look into a personal Pre-reader or give this a thrice over. I've noticed little
      mistakes more often then I'd like. Such as

      "“Alright.” replied Luna smiling back at Luna."

      "“Good evening your highness, what’s gonna be?” said Pony Joe as he took out a notepad and a pen."

      Third chapter, bottom second page. Third chapter, beginning third page.

      I've re-read the story and I like it greatly. But maybe a pre-reader would help?

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    23. @Scribe L

      Just fixed those two errors.

      I really need a hand with this, though I doubt any of the pre-readers will take my by the hand and guide me through all my mistakes. It's not easy to write in a language that's not my first, but I want to learn and do it better.

      Any feedback is more than welcome!

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    24. Well, I'm not sure if it's proper. But you need only ask and people will assist. I would be more then willing to assist.

      Yes, it certainty doesn't seem proper of me. Regardless, I am sure you can find a plethora of people who would be more then willing to help you with your work and to assist in bettering yourself, you need only ask.

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    25. It's a good story, you've got a good thing going with this ark and the character dynamics are shaping up great. Octavia could use some fleshing; She does seem to jump into things a little fast, and we're never really told much about her, but I'll have faith that that'll clear up later.

      My main criticism is that the prose feels a little, well, boring. You're a good writer, for sure, especially considering that English is your second language. However, essentially everything is made up of similarly paced and structured pieces of dialogue, or long sweeping paragraphs. Neither one is bad, but it felt like I had to drag myself forward sometimes; Some changes in paragraph length and intensity, as well as inter-cutting some more descriptives and punctuation into your dialogue should make the whole thing a bit snappier. Then again, those are just suggestions, take them as you will.

      Looking forward to part 2! And yeah, if you need someone to look over stuff and point out little grammatical and logic errors; I'm not even slightly an expert writer, but I'd be willing to help just out of good faith. Do unto others, etc.

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    26. *finishes reading part 2*

      *sniff* That's the good kind of emotionally intense. Pardon me, but... I got something in my eye... *sniffs again and wipes away a few tears*

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    27. My only problem I have with this fic is the pony lifespan != human lifespan aspect, as that practically implies that Luna essentially spent 3000+ years in/on the moon if you convert it into our lifespan. Not to mention that 20 something years is just far too short as far as I'm concerned....

      Apparently immortality wouldn't be cruel enough with our kind of lifetime so by shortening it you can get the maximum amount of 'Y I NO DIE?! AM RAEG?'

      It was just something I felt I had to say... I generally don't comment on fanfics (or anything really) so I'll disappear now.

      BTW : not a grammar nazi but you might want to fix
      "It was impossible to have a conversation with Octavia while walking was impossible"

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    28. Hey Seth!

      You should CHANGE the tag from incomplete to COMPLETE.

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    29. Welp, I can't see anything anymore, I've got all these tears in my eyes... and I love every second of it.

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    30. Title in spanish pretending to originality...
      Nice!

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    31. @ RandomlyWeir

      Author here!

      I am sorry, I didn't mean to sound pretentious ^^;

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    32. This was so beautiful. Truly a marvel. I wish there was a way to award you for this. Great work.

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    33. I hope to see more from the author, very well written.

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    34. Rather than emphasizing the mistakes you make, I'll simply point out how much I liked your piece of fiction. It's touching. It moved me beyond sense, mostly because you write with feeling and heart, which is an achievement consideering English is not your first language. So basically, I congratulate you on writing such a good fic, and I encourage you to write more, in hopes that you will get better and better. Take care.

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    35. @StarGater93
      Octavia's lifespan was correct. Horses reach maturity at age 5. They live up to 30 years, (at much), and you can say a lifespans' complete when it's reached age 25.

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    36. Definitely one of the most beautiful fanfics I've ever read. I saw when this was posted and chose this over sleeping, but when I finished I couldn't simply head off to bed b how much it effected me. Thank you for such a fantastic read, touched my heart and as you can see, everyone else's too.
      *wipes tears from eyes*

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    37. This makes me wonder though, what's the real score for this story?

      Because a 3.6 doesn't fit for a story everypony else seems to be praising :/ The author should contact Seth about it and see if they can reset the vote counter.

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    38. My eyes are slightly moist. Very good story, It needs a few changes (I think most of them have already been pointed out) but even people who have English as their first have made worse mistakes.

      All in all, very emotional story. I'm giving it a 5.

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    39. I keep finding myself returning to this page just to check comments or something, I can't get it out of my head! I feel for both of them so much, another sign of a truly well written story!

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    40. @yoshitomario

      I keep going back at it too, just to see if the star counter gets resetted or if they give this story the rating it frigging deserves.

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    41. a story that brings tears to my eyes in a great way like this tells me its one of the best I've ever read 6/5 easily

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    42. I shed manly tears, but loved every second of the story.

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    43. How can you rate this a 3 out of 5? This was very well done. 5 out of 5 for manly tears.

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    44. @Scribe L

      I have a very close friend I proof read with, but even with that it doesn't seem to be enough.

      I'd appreciate your assistance any time!

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    45. @Bitmun

      Yeah, I tend to bug myself down with descriptions and then break into somewhat longish dialogue segments. I've been doing that for a while, except with The Regal Dream, where I seemed to grasp a better rhythm of dialogue and description.

      The next story will be better balanced in this regard, not overly long descriptions.

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    46. @BlankFlankBrony

      I should feel bad that I am happy I made you cry ^^; But I can't, it feels great. This means I managed to get my emotional message through! :)

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    47. @StarGater93

      Fixed that.

      Also, ponies live up to 30 years. I think Octavia lived long enough into the average pony lifespan. She's an earth pony after all. I bet unicorn ponies live longer.

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    48. @RandomlyWeir

      Now with my user account:

      I am sorry, I didn't mean to sound pretentious ^^;

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    49. @Mr. Bubbles

      Oh, you bet you will!

      I have another four fics planned, but none of them are shipping. I am doing a sci-fi, a random, a normal and a grimdark, hopefully before summer ends.

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    50. @YoshiDash

      Thank you for your comment man. It means a lot to me to know it touched you so much.

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    51. @Narwhals' Bend

      There seems to be a lot of you who don't understand the rating.

      At the begginign there were a few users who rated it 1 star. They might had their reasons. I already contacted Seth about re-setting the counter so you guys can re-vote. Wether it works or it doesn't I don't care. Your comments are waaaaaaay more valuable than a few stars.

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    52. Ah, I already enjoyed part 1. This chapter was better. The grammar issues are a minor annoyance, I can ignore them quite easily. You wrap up things nicely at the end. Although, personally I find that the little bit after the concert is a bit weak when compared to what comes before that. Its like... You ended really well, and then decided to write a prologue, and it just doesn't quite live up to the ending. If that makes sense.

      Anyway, I'll be looking forward to more of your work. I would offer to proofread, but... I stay away from grimdark, crossover and sci-fi, so yeah... That would just leave the normal story you have planned :)

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    53. @Anonymous

      @James Corck

      Let me know when our own real life equines become intelligent, sentient, and then start making their own freaking civilization using the power of magic and friendship or some nonesense (Oh yeah and Unicorns and Pegasi just pop out of nowhere or something and the Alicorns are some top secret government project that probably started it all obviously (I should check to see if that's a fic... would be an interesting read...)).

      Until then, I'll just assume that teh ponies of Equestria are slightly different from the real life versions; and go along with pretty much every other fic I've read thus far regarding age.

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    54. I cried.

      I havnt cried in 5 years.

      This was amazing.

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    55. okay this.. made me cry, and i very rarely cry, the last time i cried was when i watched canon 2006 episode 10 about a year ago, and i cant even remb when i cried before that! i loved this fanfic, and i recommend every1 2 read it.

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    56. @Baree

      That's cool man :3 The better if you want to keep your work flow low and not overly busy :3

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    57. @pell

      This means a lot to me pell. I don't know whether I should be happy or worried >_> I feel guilty now that I made so many men cry XD

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    58. *clears throat*

      THE PAST TENSE OF LIE IS LAY! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL. LIE LAY LAIN, LAY LAID LAID. I lie myself down right now. I lay the book down right now. I lay myself down yesterday, I laid the book down yesterday. ARGHBLBLBLBGHGBLGHGHGBLGHBL.

      *reads comments, reads how author is non-native English speaker*

      Oh, ok, nevermind. English is a shit language if it's not your first. Nonsense rambling aside, I also did not like the age thing but it's not the first time I've seen it. Preference I reckon. I liked the fic idea and it's nice to see people realizing how sucky immortality really is. I almost teared up.

      One thing, though ... maybe it's just me but when Luna is going on about how she wants the 'first time' to be special, my eyes rolled out of my head. Really? Really? Maybe I'm too cynical and have not yet met that special someone or something. Cause wow, talk about cheesy.

      Overall, I give it 4/5. I tend to give 5's to larger more intricate pieces.

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    59. Oh God, I thought I was a tough man, but I just broke in tears at the last part...

      A real nice work here. Even if the writing is sometimes awkward, you have a precious sens of details. Somes are weird (like the accident of Octavia), but in 90% of the cases they made the story perfect (I don't think it would be the same if Octavia wasn't mute, well found on this one).
      My congratulations.

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    60. God damn it, I actually cried. Tears freaking DRIPPING FROM MY EYES, damn it! Ponies shouldn't do this to me! I know I shouldn't read fics with sad tag, but I couldn't help myself at the prospect of more Luna shipping...

      Anyway, I suppose I liked it. My only problem was that the writing was kind of awkward, but that's understandable. Other than that... I don't know, I'm too sad to think straight.

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    61. Interesting. It needs a good deal of work. You will do you self a huge favor by editing the piece before you submit them. If you don't feel you can edit it well enough, feel free to ask a fellow writer (like myself) to help. We are always looking to help our fellow bronies. :)

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    62. @Frenchi

      Thank you for your comment Frenchi!

      I am still profiling my style, I want to remove the awkwardness until it's almost completely gone. Gotta keep working on that ;)

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    63. @Emerald Page

      I tried my best editing it. I printed it and took a red marker to fix every error in it, but I guess it wasn't enough.

      I'd love you to help me with it, the more help the better <3 Thanks a bunch for your offer!

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    64. Amazing. Absolutely Amazing. This is the second fic to make me cry. You are really talented.

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    65. God damn, I didn't see the sad tag but curiosity kept me reading. Tears man, tears. Any chance you could write an alt ending where she lives? Like, blessed/cursed with immortality?

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    66. @SparksEmberhoof

      If you want to write an ending like that, feel free to do so ;)

      However, such an ending will destroy the message of my fanfic: Life is mortal and so it has an end; love is immortal, it will never end.

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    67. i just finished part 2, i was about to cry the entire ending. that story was amazing and moving! bravo kind sir, bravo

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    68. This entire story... ;___;

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    69. @James Corck

      I'd rather not ruin such a beautiful piece. The piece at mentioned towards the end, Claro de Luna. Are you referring to the Beethoven piece Sonata Moonlight?

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    70. Derp... Moonlight Sonata >.> Backwards mind.

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    71. @ SparksEmberhoof

      Hey there!

      Yeah, I definitely am reffering to it. I know Moonlight Sonata was arranged for a piano, but this piece is clearly inspired by something else and it's been composed with a Cello and a strings section in mind.

      So, we can asume it won't sound like the Moonlight Sonata we know. I also kept myself from mentioning anything regarding Beethoven.

      I am sorry if this offended you, it wasn't my intention at all.

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    72. Not offended :) This story just hit all the right notes (punny). Had a good sob or two towards the end then went to bed and had a dream about a dumb concept about the cycle of rebirth (and how Luna would be there for the next Octavia).

      Any chance we'd ever see another Luntavia fic from you? For a background character who never said a word, the stories produced around here are simply stunning.

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    73. @SparksEmberhoof

      I doubt I'll write another fic with Luna and Octavia. I encourage anyone to write their own little stories though. There's a lot in that relationship I didn't touch, actually. What if they wanted to have kids? (I saw Twilight and Trixie having a filly in a fanfic).

      But I rather focus my efforts on writing other fics. I am working on another shipping fic with Twilight and somepony else :3

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    74. Read that fic also, was enjoyable. Twilyra maybe? :D

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    75. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    76. @mr-mushy

      check my newest story, check the authortag!

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    77. There was only one thing I disliked with this fic. Only one thing I Really disliked.

      Spoiler warning.

      And that's Octavias age. While having her die at 26 from an illness or accident would have been a tragedy and could have added further depth and sorrow to the story, having her die at 26 of Old Age was just ridiculous. I found myself adding 50 years to her age just for it to feel real.

      If these ponies had all died at 25 I find it hard to believe that they could even build a functioning society. Long term planning seems like it would have been impossible.

      Other than that, I really loved the story! Now I have to see what other stories you might have written :).

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    78. @Zanzibar

      Hey there!

      I'm really happy that you liked my story, feel free to comment and rate all the others I posted here in EqD. I'm planning on doing more :)

      As for the age issue, I considered changing it several times. But then I thought: "Maybe that's how long earth ponies live". Probably unicorns and pegasi live longer due to magic and different metabolysm respectively. But I understand your upset about the age thing, and I'm sorry it kinda ruined the story for you.

      TL;DR - Thanks a bunch for reading my story! It means a lot to me you liked it so much, even if the age thingie kinda ruined it ^^;

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    79. @Zanzibar

      Hey there!

      I'm really happy that you liked my story, feel free to comment and rate all the others I posted here in EqD. I'm planning on doing more :)

      As for the age issue, I considered changing it several times. But then I thought: "Maybe that's how long earth ponies live". Probably unicorns and pegasi live longer due to magic and different metabolysm respectively. But I understand your upset about the age thing, and I'm sorry it kinda ruined the story for you.

      TL;DR - Thanks a bunch for reading my story! It means a lot to me you liked it so much, even if the age thingie kinda ruined it ^^;

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    80. this fic has by far had one of the greatest emotional impacts on me, i was hook by the novelty of Octavia's muteness but feeling their pain as reality took its hold is what really enraptured me.

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    81. I cried, good fic.

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    82. Man, I haven't cried that hard in soo many years. After just finishing the story, it almost seems blasphemous to give any criticism, but sometimes it was a little choppy. Part II especially...I don't know if or how I can describe it, but just so amazingly sad and sweet; definitely one of my all time favorites! ^^;

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    83. Amazingly well written story, <3 luna and octavia I only have one small complaint though, the order is a bit "choppy" the timeline just feels a little confusing, if you could specify like how much time has past by that would make it 20% cooler!
      Also totally teared up towards the end ;_;

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    84. I have never, in my entire life, cried as much as I did at the end of that fic.

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    85. Ponies with a thirty year lifespan? Why?
      Real ponies aren't sapient and colorful either. =/
      That just seems needlessly cruel.

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    86. I can't help but get all misty whenever I think of this story. Really good job man.

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    87. Sign language has a beauty all its own, just like spoken language does. Imagine an inspiring speech - beautiful sign language is similar.

      I can picture a music virtuoso painting beautiful conversation with her love in sign language - form and movement expressing love....got a little choked up there.

      Thank you.

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    88. This story is one of my top three favorite MLP fanfics of all time, right there with Spark and Past Sins. An incredible piece of work, thank you so much.

      And, in case it isn't sad enough as it is for y'all, listen to Makkon's "Avast Octavia's Plot" after you finish the last chapter.

      It fits all too well, and gives it that little extra kick to your stomach.

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    89. ^^ is much correct.

      Though I listened to Bittersweet Symphony throughout the entire reading, I played avast octavia after and...yeah...

      If MLP FiM wasnt enough to revoke my man card than this will...I just wish upon all wishes that I could even touch upon the level of love and happiness that this story conveys.

      The ability to dismantle and utterly de-atomize my emotional barriers by the writer is a sign this is needing more attention, and higher rating. This is as much of a masterpiece as Octavia's final concerto.
      :')

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