Description: Just after the day of the young fliers competition in Cloudsdale, Fluttershy asks something of her friend.
I read it and here is my analysis.It is the same fic I have read a thousand times before, except Fluttershy is acting a little out of character, and Rainbow is acting way too "omg I'm so embarassed".I mean the writing was kind of good I guess. Nothing spectacular.Really just your average shipping fic.
>reciprocation>fluttershy is being assertive>ohgodthere'sapplebloomI'm... interested but I'm going to lol hard at where I Think this is going...
Things that leap out at me:- Fluttershy is being very unusually... well, "assertive" isn't the word. She's being manipulative. It's kind of creepy and I don't think I like it.- You chose a very odd line to end this part of the story on. From a transitioning scenes perspective I can understand why you would be looking to end Part 1 around there, but the specific line has no sense of "to be continued" or finality or anything you would generally be looking for from the last words on the page. It gives it the feel of a rather arbitrary cutoff point, and in the future I would advise trying to avoid that.I'm not actually a fan of intentionally segmented short stories (unless each part can stand on its own), but if you're going to do them a good rule of thumb is to try to end each interluding part with a strong image or emotion. It's your first fic; you'll start to get the hang of this sort of thing with practice. Keep at it, and thanks for sharing!
For some reason I didn't read it in fluttershy's voice.
flutterdash is my otp, and i didn't like this fic at all. sorry.
"Fluttershy: Above Appledash but below Rainbow Pie"Sethisto, you've seemed to be pretty tough against Appledash since the whole "What Rainbow Dash ship is best" poll.
Also seems pretty tough against Flutterdash to me!
I am going to write a fic that ships Apple Pie, because Applejack and Pinkie Pie reminds me two people from my youth in the south that sadly never got together.And it's... my fault for not being active in pushing their mutual love.
I thought it was good, definitely going to read the continuation (you're going to continue it....right?). I was giggling to myself towards the end, though.
Not sure whether to make it a 2 or 3 parter for the EQD version... Got the K version done already, wantin to moreso take my time with this version, kind of put some thought into it... then I realised "wait... this ** * *****" so yea, should have 2/3 or 2/2 done in a few days. Thanks for all the feedback so far, I've tried to take every critique into consideration and so far have already redone the ending of chappa 1 to make it a better TBC point. Lookin forward to pumpin out a good chappa 2
Liked it! Can't wait to see what happens next =D
they are just too out of char for me to believe this ...sorry its like you tried to switch dashs and fluttershys personalities
I don't mind assertive Fluttershy, as that is well within her character.Manipulative Fluttershy, however, is... not.
I suppose Applebloom can be very insistent. Enough to get Fluttershy to use her highest-level Stare on Rainbow? Apparently.
This is shipping? It's getting a bit... creepy, lol. WTH are Fluttershy and Apple Bloom doing?This isn't going to turn into another 'Cupcakes', is it?!
...Hrm. Interestingly enough, this chapter shows a higher degree of technical proficiency than its predecessor. Your transitions in particular are massively improved, so I should say to you well done on that front. That saaaaaaiiiiiid... This is an awfully big pill your asking your readers to swallow. I suppose the creed at work here is "it's always the pony you least suspect", but still. While this chapter goes a long way to explaining the characters' behavior within the context of your own story, more needs to be done to placate the audience's presuppositions and expectations. To wit - it doesn't really jive with me that Fluttershy would Stare poor Rainbow Dash into a submissive love slave or... wherever this is going. The narration itself mentions The Stare is something she developed defensively, so what induced her to begin using it as a weapon? And why is she teaching Applebloom? And... and a lot of other whys, too. I don't think there's any such thing as a fully flawed premise (and I am willing to go out on good faith that there's enough story left to make the whole thing actually work), but some extra effort in some new places would go a long way to bridging the not-insubstantial gap between where I am and where I suspect you are. If you choose one thing to focus on between now and your finale, make it the audience's connectivity with the character's minds. It doesn't have to be anything major, just little snippets of emotion, flashes of mental images, I suppose an internal monolog or two wouldn't hurt (but don't force those in where they look clunky). We really need to feel Fluttershy and Dash to accept them in this situation. That's going to be your biggest hurdle.
She's an evil enchantress...(Anonymous hums a bit) Cockatrice in a big tasty stew...
Your attempts at fixing Fluttershy's OOCness have been left wanting. I'm afraid she's even more creepy and menacing then before.What she's doing is beyond what her character would ever do. Here she's using the Stare menacingly and without care to who she's hurting. In the episode the Stare was introduced in it's clear she can only use it on animals, and only in stressful situations. In your fic she's willingly hypnotizing Dash for some nefarious scheme. It doesn't work with established canon, and it makes her behavior contradict what we see on the show. When writing a character, remember to stick with a character's internal logic and traits as they're defined by canon, and stick with them. Break with those defined behaviors only if it makes sense to, but still remember to keep the character internally consistent, otherwise you'll basically writing a character with a different brain. For your interpretations of both Fluttershy and Applebloom, you may want to considering reviewing how these characters are portrayed on the show and how you've chosen to depict them. You may want to consider that you may have misinterpreted their fundamental character traits.The writing style is fine, but could use more polishing. The plot is clearly progressing, and it's not boring, so you do have that. Keep writing, that's the only way you'll improve.
Hmm... smells like cupcakes.
I actually enjoy the way this is going. Sure it might not be something the characters normally do in the show, but this being a fiction and all gives more freedom with it imo. It's believable enough, not like Flutter is acting like Pinkie or anything.Looking forward to more!
Fluttershy is OOC enough, for the reasons previously mentioned, that I'm reading this as a crack fic. With that perspective, though, I'm loling hard.
>What does fluttershy want with Rainbow Dash?>Wtf is applebloom doing>HOREYSHET
Um...what Phoe said.