Author: Inky Notebook
Description: Five ponies find themselves in deeper trouble then they ever could have imagined. Through hardships they must fight to return to the home that they once knew. Together they will learn the true meanings of not only friendship but their cutie marks.Unstable Ground Part 1-Endings
Unstable Ground Part 2-Steps
Unstable Ground Part 3-Split
Unstable Grounds Part 4- Memory of a Memory (New)
Additional Tags: Self Discovery, Identity, Friendship, Hardship, Adventure
47 comments:
Trixie?
ReplyDeleteI see a pic of trixie?
ReplyDeletefifth?
ReplyDeleteTHIRD!
ReplyDelete@Flub nope
ReplyDeleteWell nope 5 yes 3
ReplyDeleteIf this has no Trixie i am dissapoint
ReplyDeleteWow nopony is commenting here but Flub and I. It makes me think back to Zecora's episode
ReplyDeleteAnd Dash-Cash
ReplyDeleteI'm usually Grimdark adverse but, lacking much else to read right now.
ReplyDeletecpbrony.deviantart.com! Yeah Giving myself a shoutout like trixie might maybe...... *trails off and thinks about what he's done*
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI read the story a bit fast towards the middle, so this might not be COMPLETELY accurate. I'm pretty convinced that it covers what I need it to.
ReplyDeleteThe plot is intriguing, but the first few paragraphs sort of distracted me in a bad way. All the sentences started with the same word and that was very off-putting. I was grimacing inside.
I also would want a bit more explanation as to what happened. Ink might not know, but it would be logical that someone else would. Why is no one discussing that they are down there? It's not how I'd see anypony react.
I thought Rhythm was introduced too quickly. It seemed like you'd have us assume, "Oh, she's a filly!" and know what she's like in a way. You sort of threw a lot of characters at me.
tl;dr: The plot was good, but I wanted to see some variations in sentence structure (especially at the beginning) as well as shedding a little light on the situation. Rhythm was introduced too quickly as well. I'd say it earned 3 stars.
*looks @ author name*
ReplyDelete*sees that story protagonist is named "Ink"*
SELF-INSERT OC DETECTED. ಠ_à²
^lol
ReplyDeleteThe opening is good but yeah I'm with Chandler but we need some explanation of the existing characters some more before you go and dump more on us.
ReplyDeleteAlso two chapters in and I have so many questions and no answers. What's going on? Why did Ink fall down this deep crevasse thingie? Why is everyone else there? No really, what's going on?
I think my biggest complaint is I don't have a real good feel for all the characters, I keep getting them mixed up in my mind.
3 Star? OC Pony? Blatant self-insert?
ReplyDeleteNOPE.pony
@amddude
ReplyDeleteCriticism aside, let's be fair to the author. We don't know if it's a self-insert yet. Honestly I don't think there's enough characterization to say one way or the other yet.
He might have just used the name and nothing else.
@Shiralion
ReplyDeleteyeeeeeeeeeah but come on keep it real, if you're an author working hard on a story...why would a author even want to risk the appearance of it? First impressions are lasting impressions and THAT just sends a terrible vibe. Hell, if the name "Ink" really IS that organic and indisposable to the story, you'd be better off changing your Author Name from Inky Notebook to something else, just to be safe.
I mean for example, if we had read the Fallout: Equestria intro and seen:
"Oh, my name is K-Kat. Go figure. I was given the name because I was the youngest-"
...how many ppl would be immediately be like "What? Really? Fuck your shitty self-insert. *clicks back*" lol?
Wow... everyone's ripping the new stories lately.
ReplyDeleteThe name Notebook was already taken on Deviant Art and Ink's original name was Quill which was the pony nickname of a friend of mine who ended up not wanting me to use it.
ReplyDeleteThe reason there are so many questions is to keep you wondering about what's going on. Everything will be explained throughout the story and a lot of which in the next chapter.
The original draft I posed for this story didn't have the characters so blantantly introduced but the editors I posed it to said that I needed to introduce them faster and get them out there, hence how it ended up.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSince it seems like a lot of ponies have some issues with things that editors told me to correct I feel like I should go back through the story and undo some things and clear up a bit of the story.
ReplyDeleteSound good?
@mycutiemarkisagun
ReplyDeleteI totally understand where you're coming from and it is very probably, given how most fan fics end up going >_>. But, I still stand by my statement; Inky hasn't given us enough to go on with for the characters, I don't think I can safely say that and I think the name is cute anyway. It's probably better if he didn't use the name, just like you suggested but, ironically, his name does fit for a pony name. I'm torn a bit now that I think about it.
@Inky Notebook
I don't think any of us will complain about working on improving a story. Celestia only knows that there aren't that many quality fic authors out there.
That being said listen to the editors and listen to where the bulk of the complaints are coming from. Just like a novel you only have so much time to 'hook' a reader while I felt you had a fine initial hook it really doesn't go anywhere from there. Keeping me guessing is good but, I think it gets lost with all the other people being added. There's nothing to 'distract' me from my questions and my confusion about the story.
A word of advice from a friend of mine who is a professional editor: Any idiot can put ink to paper. The guys who can take the criticism, and learn from it, those are the guys who I green light.
Some revisions have been added. Let me know what you all think. Also trying to figure out what to do about you all thinking it's a self insert. I've grown to like the name Ink for my OC pony and if I could I would change my deviant art name but I can't... Not sure what to do.
ReplyDeleteDoing a bunch more revisions. Bear with me as I try and make things right for I am a writer and if there is something wrong with my story than it shall be fixed.
ReplyDelete@Inky Notebook
ReplyDeleteI read it again and the story is much clearer now. I get what's happening but I still have questions. The characters, especially Ink, are much more understood in my eyes and the beginning is quite improved. Apart from some occasional typos (OCD here) this story is great now. A definite 4 stars.
@ Chandler Glad to hear I'm actually working right now to break up the first chapter and give a bit more depth to Ink and what happened and how he got in the chasm
ReplyDeleteHopefully this will make readers a bit more interested and give some more character development
@Inky Notebook
ReplyDeleteI like how you are handling this, I'll check it out when (if) I finish my homework tonight.
Almost a full 3 pages have been added to chapter 1 to give a bit more backstory and characterization to Ink.
ReplyDeleteHope you all like it. I'll be going through the first two chapters some more as I write chapter 3 to hopefully make the story flow a bit more.
:)
I'll give it another go after my work this morning. I notice your score inching up a bit so let's hope your work pays off :)
ReplyDelete@ Shirailon
ReplyDeleteThanks, I hope the work I've been doing pays off too.
Let me know what you think of the revised chapters.
Great, now there are [Light Grimdark] AND [Grimlight]? Please PLEASE toss the fringe tags and just use the core ones with disclaimer descriptions.
ReplyDelete@Inky Notebook
ReplyDeleteMuch MUCH better Inky. I know you wanted to keep things mysterious but that early flashback cuts away a lot of the confusion. Gives us some background on Ink and his relative position to some others in the story.
Ugh, this is why I hate the grimdark tag it, even with 'light' attached to it it fails to really explain how dark things get. I have to admit I had a "OMG you killed Kenny" moment in the first chapter. Not a complaint against you though.
Ok all caught up, I think your new stuff is a big improvement over the previous. Keep going and I'll hang in there for a bit longer even though I'm not a big dark fan.
@Shiralion
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'm glad you enjoyed the new edited version. Working hard on chapter three so that I have it all in order.
I know most ponies don't like grimdark but this story is mainly adventure and finding ones self. However, there is some more dark to come, as a warning. I will be trying to keep it as light as possible though.
I really wanted to give this thing a big review since this is probably the only completely OC pony story I've seen in a while, yet I cannot get into it. Half way through the very first chapter I was drawn out of the whole story by one realization:
ReplyDelete"I mean, I was flying above Ponyville when it happened. The split rocketed completely through the entire area. Nopony was safe within miles. It swallowed up everything in its path from Sweet Apple Acres to the Everfree forest. There won't be a rescue team. We're on our own."
...Except that earthquakes happen on the earth, not in the sky, you know, where Cloudsdale is and the location of at least a fair amount of pegasi. At least. That's a good rescue party I would say.
That, and why didn't Sky Fall just fly away when the earthquake happened? Or FireFly?
Sorry, but these plot holes just draw me out of the whole adventure, which was disappointing because there are too few all OC pony stories here.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteInky Notebook said...
ReplyDeleteAt Sir Ostentatious
There's a reason why the pegasi of Cloudsdayle haven't formed a rescue party.
There's also a reason as to why Sky Fall didn't fly away. Also Firefly is an Earth Pony and cannot fly.
Everything will get explained throughout the story. I leave questions to be answered and let the characters answer them as the story progresses. Though I didn't notice before how I phrased that one part. I will be revising it but there is a reason to why Cloudsdayle is unable to help.
At Sir Ostentatious
ReplyDeleteI edited that one part that you quoted slightly to make more sense with what I planned on doing with regards to those questions.
Sometimes I make mistakes and things and I'm always constantly editing my chapters whether it be grammatically or to fix minor details I forgot about.
There will be a bit more revealed in chapter 4 about what's going on with the pegasi hence the new character at the end of chapter 3.
Okay, I can respect the air of mystery to events, as long as they are addressed to some degree so they can actually be called "mysteries" and not plot holes. As far as the edit goes, it was a vast improvement to what was previously a gaping hole. Also, in hindsight, I believe it was hasty of me to outright dismiss the story. I just like the preview image too much. As such, I'll give this story a review of the first three chapters, no matter what I may find.
ReplyDelete===Chapter 1===
"The chasm plunged deep, reaching far down into the depths beyond where the sunlight's fingertips could brush the darkness away."
I believe you meant or I would suggest that you change could to "could not"
As the cataclysm slowly subsided, leaving only destruction and despair in its wake, the crackling sound of the shifting earth quieted and the echo of falling rocks ceased as the dust settled.
Then ending bit of "as the dust settled" sounds awkward since you begin the sentence in the same fashion. It's arguably extranneous and I'd suggest deleting it.
"The gray colt blinked rapidly, trying to clear the water from his eyes. "
My...home," he whispered.
He sank to his knees. A few teardrops fell upon the ground before him as he tried desperately to remember what had happened. "Sugarcube corner," he began. "I... I was at Sugarcube corner..."
Already, I believe you have clashing characterization for Ink. He pushed through the pain, of which I assume is tremendous, gleaning that Ink is perhaps used to containing this sort of pain. Then he drastically shifts into an emotional wreck at the destruction of his home, which is indeed a grim state of affairs, though I already have this notion that Ink is a strong person. I believe it would make more sense to have him instead of crying and falling melodramatically his knees (which is awkward for pony anatomy anyway), is to silently hang his head in the wake of the flotsam and jetsam. Again, allowing him to contain and bottle the pain, further expanding upon Ink's previous reaction to pain. Then, as the realization beats upon him, his attempts to contain and rationalize the pain gives way, forcing him to mutter to himself in order to decipher the event, saying the Sugar Cube corner bit.
BAM! You have, thus far, the bare bones of a complex personality. Why does this horrific catastrophe NOT bring him to tears? Why does he react differently to this situation then most others? That is a hook. Of course it's a suggestion, but I believe it turns an otherwise dull exchange of tears into the beginning of delving into the psychology of Ink. Just anything to remedy this pony, as the previous claims of his blandness are not unfounded, at least from what I gleaned from chapter 1.
"Setting the pillows down along the headrest he smiled. He liked things to be neat and organized. His eyes darted over to his desk that sat helplessly in the corner buried under a mountain of loose papers and scattered quills, ink bottles half open and empty upon the floor. The colt sighed. At least the bed looks decent... “
I’m uneasy about this part. As it reads to me, it sounds uninteresting and does not add to his character. After stating that he likes things organized, flash to the desk and have him ignore it or have him describe it as a sort of "organized chaos". Papers strewn about, ideas and notes tacked in every corner of the workspace: an uninhibited area of literary theory, allowing one to believe Ink finds more solace in the desk than the outside world. Such a leap though will rely on the connotations you place on the mess and the desk itself. It's a sturdy piece, unbending under the massive amount of unbridled creativity atop it. If he describes the desk more vividly the people he interacts with, it will obviously show that he sees more in the desk, adding a new facet to his character.
As he now leaves and enters the world, this is your chance to put into context how devastating the future catastrophe is and make one sympathize with Ink.
ReplyDelete“The town of Ponyville was as lively as ever, ponies everywhere opening up their shops and even more waiting.”
This sentence misses a crucial opportunity to build up the coming disaster. By that, it glosses over the town. Describe the cheery faces of the buildings and their bright color combinations. The clarity of the day and the radiance of the sun. Smiling faces of the ponies. Create the area as the epitome of sleepy tranquility. No one here deserves the upcoming tragedy, yet it happens nonetheless, making the time when the rug is finally pulled truly horrific and allows the reader to sympathize with Ink.
Oh, hey," Ink said smiling, noticing the tan mare. "good morning."
The G should be capitlized in the good morning.
Ink's exchanges with his “friends” grossly misuse another chance to build up the disaster. They’re not only bland, they're forgettable and damn near pointless. They added nothing to Ink, they added nothing to the characters he talked to, and they accomplished nothing. To fix that, first, give a decent description of the pony. Color can matter, but it must bare connotations to the character, not just be there so the reader and have a vivid picture of the pony, because I’ll still forget the character if he or she is bland. Those bare physical features don’t make a character. Roseluck is a cool name. It reminds one of the fragility of the rose. Make her movements graceful and dainty. Have her speech be soothing and give her an aroma. Relate her to the rose: it causes no trouble and deserves no trouble. Apple Fritter could be basking in the morning sunlight or chewing on an apple. Anything to paint her with an air of peacefulness as well. She doesn’t expect nor deserve the earthquake.
Lastly, I believe it would serve Ink's characterization well and make him more interesting if you make him stumble a bit before he says things to the ponies he talks to. Not like a speech impediment or making him terribly socially awkward, just give him a moment or two to formulate something to say. He wants to break away from the desk and be with his friends, yet he wants to follow such endeavors in an organized and calculative manner as not to show his deficiencies in social situations, yet the very way to avoid that makes him appear socially awkward. This irony builds up the importance of the party for Ink, and in turn, the intensity of the earthquake and the following destruction.
Also, stop referring to ponies by their mane or coat color. That's idiotic. Use the reference to describe features that characterize them, such as "gentle eyes" or "complacent smile". If all else fails, call them by their name or gender.
If you do make him stumble in the first two exchanges, leave the Pinky Pie exchange as it is. Ink now feels comfortable, and Pinky Pie's infectious charm ushers him in to the state of bliss unparalleled. He doesn't take time to speak, and he even makes a smart joke. It's a fun bit.
It wasn't long before the birthday mare arrived, the entire guestlist popping out from hiding spaces and welcoming her. The yellow filly bounced happily, laughing with her friends and joining in on the celebration of her birthday.
“Guest list” is two words. Also, that cannot be it. Describe the music! The cheerful faces! Games! Anything to expound upon this event. This is the apex of fun: A Pinkie Pie party. Give it justice with a decent description that doesn’t gloss over it. This will be integral in driving home the undeserving and cruel randomness of the disaster.
By having him describe his desk so well in the first part, Pinky Pie's comment about sulking over his desk would be put into context and actually make sense. What Pinky sees as sulking Ink sees as beauty, putting a huge contrast between the two characters.
ReplyDeleteThe last bit was good. Give the disaster a quick description to emphasize how swiftly it actually struck.
Ink listened for a moment with tuned ears but all seemed quiet.
I think it would be prudent to have him reason with himself for a minute that the voice was in his head, allowing him to not have to go after it and risk himself. He should not be this valiant white knight. He's just a writer, after all. Finally though, he concedes, and calls out.
"What do you think happened?" he asked her, breaking the silence.
Have her ask Ink. Ink is trying to rationalize this himself, and perhaps aids the mare to help alleviate the pain, though she should be frightened and curious. Have Ink say he is not sure, and then continue normally.
Ink shook his head a bit. "I'm not sure, but right now you need to rest," he said, looking at her wings.
That's good. Have Ink be determined about not leaving to explore further, for he still has not processed the information of the lightning quick catastrophe. His anger at her also adds to this feeling of wanting to control the uncontrollable.
"There's bound to be a rescue party sent out soon. No point in just scrambling about right now. Things will be alright, we should just rest for now and soon enough we'll be out of here." Ink forced a small smile, unsure of the words he had just spoken.
Again, I like this. He's convincing her and himself partially that things will all turn out well in the end, as they normally do, or at least should, yet the stark turn in the story drives home how this is nothing like the television show. They've literally fallen away from the picturesque image of harmony and all that remains is death and destruction.
The pegasus is an improvement as far as characterization. She's scared, throwing out ideas to somehow instantly fix the situation, fighting back the severity of it all. Like Ink, she too does not know how to deal with the situation, opting to sleep in darkness rather than seeing the rubble. Still though, she is only referred to by color. What of her eyes? I believe any description of eyes can lay the foundation for the character holistically. Are they frightened? Confused? Anything to describe her beyond color
The colt stepped forward, his deep blue coat visible in the sunlight that now poured over the edges of the fissure. His white streaked deep gray mane was swept backwards in the same way as Ink's black mane sat and Ink stood, taking a breath first and steadying his mind, to greet the colt, purple eyes meeting with a stern yellow gaze.
THERE! Storm Chaser's gaze makes him more than just colors. He's composed and polite, even amid this turmoil and the pain of a broken wing. It's a bit bare, but an improvement, nonetheless.
Firefly though, is still subpar. She desperately pleads to Ink to perform he has never done, so connote her body and appearance as such: she's shaken, nervous, simply wanting to go to a home that doesn’t exist. She's possibly traumatized, so expand on that. Color can even be used to your advantage: a pale, ghostly white, perhaps? Drive home her trauma.
ReplyDeleteTheir trek through the mayhem is very well put. It's silent and based on atmosphere, allowing one to take in the magnitude of the destruction
Now it's all beginning to hit him: he cannot contain the events, and he even realizes this. The feeling of helplessness looms, and NOW I am interested in what becomes of the group.
When Firefly and Storm Chaser attempt to talk to Rhythm, one can see the desperation in them. They see an air of innocence and bliss remaining in Rhythm, so they try to get her to go with them. A good touch, especially juxtaposed the roar of the dragon which shatters the facsimile of peace. My one complaint is that here, color could have made a difference. Give her dark colors, something one would not expect to find hope in; it serves as a metaphor for the cave as a whole and how the group finds hope in the darkness.
"What in Equestria was that?" Firefly whispered to Storm with a low tone. The colt shook his head slowly. "I'm not sure," He paused and looked down at the shaking filly latched onto his foreleg.
It's two different ponies talking. Split up the paragraph.
"Ink? Are you alright?" He could hear Storm Chaser's slightly concerned voice calling for him.
This clashes with the next paragraph; either he is concerned and helps, or he is slightly concerned and only helps at the behest of Firefly and Sky Fall. The latter seems more favorable, as it makes one believe Storm Chaser is rooted in the philosophy "Survival of the Fittest" and is uninterested in being slowed down in this hell.
Well that was a shitstorm. I’ll review the next two chapters probably tomorrow or Tuesday. The advice is all based on my opinion, so take it as you will. I may just have my head up my own anus, but I hope this helps you in expanding the scope of this story.
Any questions or comments on my critique I'd be glad to answer or help with.
Thanks Sir Ostentatious for the review. While there are some things that I may not agree with you brought up a lot of good points about where my story is lacking a bit and what I can improve upon. Sometimes I rush things a bit and I overlook opportunities. Ill be doing some editing tonight based on your review. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it helped. If you don't mind me asking, what specifically did you disagree on?
ReplyDeleteChanging Rhythm's color for one. That's just a personal preference but reading your review again I actually don't see much that I disagree with anymore.
ReplyDeleteI'll hopefully have time tonight to do the editing amongst the massive piles of material I need to study. T_T
Chapter 1 has been revised and edited as per the review from Sir Ostentatious.
ReplyDeleteLet me know how I did. :)