• Story: Transcendence (Update Sequel Part 3!)

    [Normal][Sad]

    Author: Corejo
    Description: When Scootaloo moves to Ponyville, she meets a certain cyan pegasus who becomes her idol. Things go well until a pivotal event causes her hopes and dreams to come crashing down around her. Broken and betrayed, Scootaloo must learn to accept her reality and embrace her inner strength with the help of her father and two best friends.
    Transcendence
    Flock Together (Sequel Part 3!)

    Additional Tags: Growing up, Scootasad, Commitment, Determination,

    449 comments:

    1. If this is Scootabuse I will run screaming into the night.

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    2. Scootasad?
      Daaaaaaw....
      Still will read tonight.

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    3. Where are all the readers? This is one of the best Scootaloo stories I've read.

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    4. @DPV111 If it is, somepony better start running...

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    5. This was a really nice story. I enjoyed it a lot. Sounds realistic enough to be canon, and was pretty heartwarming.

      Also, bravo to the author. I read the first paragraph and was in awe at how vivid it was. Very nice writing here.

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    6. Whoops, I seemed to have missed that this was only the firat chapter.

      Looking forwards to more.

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    7. Thanks for the good reviews!

      Scootaloo is best pony.

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    8. Well, I'll be reading this later on then.
      Sorry for jumping to conclusions it's just the phrase "Broken and betrayed" makes me vividly recall a certain drawing.
      God, just cause RD wouldn't make the kind of big sister appropriate for MLP doesn't mean she's a monster.
      Sorry again.

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    9. Why does "broken and betrayed" and "Scootaloo has a father" feel like a really bad combination?

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    10. @ToonNinja

      At his point, anything tagged [Sad] and involving Scootaloo seems like a bad combination.

      It's quite good thus far, but I'm extremely wary about future chapters because of that.

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    11. Yeah, the first chapter is...not like the description or tags imply. But it's ok so far.

      Hmmm.......

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    12. Scootaloo is indeed best pony. As said by another beforehoof, if this turns out to be Scootabuse, I will have many a sad.

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    13. Regardless of what this fic will contain, it is written SO BEAUTIFULLY. IT OOZES BEAUTY! Keep up this amazing writing, and I'll stick through it, no matter what happens.

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    14. Scootaloo's fine, she helps Ms. Pinkamena drain the blood. ^_^

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    15. If this is scootabuse I will rape you to death, eat your flesh and sew your skin onto my clothing. If it's merely scootasad, I will do it in that order.

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    16. I am hoping that this will be good as it goes along, So far its a nice story but reading the description makes me wonder, what can go wrong? and do I really want to find out?

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    17. Oh dear. You are really setting us up for something, aren't you?

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    18. Just because [Sad] tag is Sad doesn't mean you can't enjoy it. I have the entire story ironed out, just wait and read. :)

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    19. It's written nicely, let's just see if the plot pans out to be just as nice as the opener.

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    20. I apologize for my bias in advance.
      I'm being forced to read A Tale of Two Cities, but I finished what I was assigned and came here for some lighter reading. Sadly, your writing seems to outdo even Dickens' descriptions. While I applaud your mastery of scenic descriptions, I can't take anymore of them.
      In short, I'm trying to focus on the plot of the story, only to be overwhelmed by a massive block of text that, while containing beautiful imagery, does nothing to drive the story onward.
      3/5

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    21. @P. Pony Ponyson

      Part one may feel slow to you, but I was planning this out as I wrote it. The story itself will speed up in part two and three.

      I like this kind of feedback, please keep it flowing.

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    22. First chapter is not sad. Apprehensive, the future is. But I look forward to subsequent chapters.

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    23. Loved this, can't wait for part two

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    24. Ok, so now it's even LESS sad...as it were.

      Honestly, I really like it so far. But it seems to me that, perhaps, a lot more should've been written before submitting it simply because so far the story doesn't reflect the summery. It's somewhat obvious basically what'll happen but...even so.

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    25. Alright. I'll admit; I didn't give this story a full shake. My previous review was based off of the first half of Chapter One. Now, having read the rest, I must say that I enjoyed the way it panned out. The writing style became something I'm more comfortable with, sprinkled with a few, yet understandable misspellings. The plot is great as well.

      But here I sit, unsure about that second chapter. That 'Sad' tag is throwing up a huge red flag for me...

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    26. And now, Scootaloo has finally discovered the wonder of flight, all thanks to her idol, Rainbow Dash.




      ...This is all going to take a major turn for the worse.

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    27. I apologize for the [Sad] tag up there. I know where I'm taking this story and what will happen, but being my first fic, I wasn't sure about how to add tags as I went along...So yea, you'll have to wait for the [Sad], but yes, it's coming.

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    28. Wouldn't scootabuse be auto marked as grimdark?

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    29. I think I can see where this is going... If I'm right, poor Scootaloo...

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    30. WOO, this update literally made my night!

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    31. Just got done reading, and MAN! You, sir, are an excellent author. As long as it ultimately has a good resolution, then this is going in my top 5 favorite fanfics.

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    32. I honestly have no idea where this is going to go, which may be a plus, but i know its gonna be sad :(

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    33. The picture just sold the whole thing……..

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    34. I'm actually quite enjoying this story, and I'm interested in seeing where it goes. The overall tone is, I think, a little somber compared to the actual show, but that's okay (and at this point it's mostly a matter of anticipation, since we know things are going to take a turn for the worse). We'll see how it turns out, though; I'm going to echo the sentiment of a lot of comments here and say that I'm going to be massively disappointed if this turns into Scootabuse or something.

      That said, I always try to give a little bit of constructive criticism, and for me the biggest thing that stands out about this story is that it's really, really wordy. Like, excessively wordy. Wordy to a fault. I realize that seems like a silly thing to say about a work of prose, but just hear me out here because I'm going to ramble for a bit and hopefully doing so will help me figure out exactly what advice I'm trying to give here.

      Admittedly, to some extent this is a matter of personal preference. I generally go for leaner, more functional prose; I want to know what's happening and I want to know it as quickly and clearly as possible. You seem to tend towards lengthier, more descriptive prose, which really isn't a bad thing, and so I don't want you to think that I'm saying you should cut out the wordiness entirely. However, as the Bard said, brevity is the soul of wit; it's almost always better to say something in a few words rather than many. As I was reading, I often felt like I was having to wade through a vast sea of words in order to get to the meat of the story, and to a certain extent I wanted you to, well, just get on with it.

      Now, even that's not totally a bad thing; in a lot of ways, that feeling was just impatience. I was engaged in the story and I wanted to know what happens next, and that's most definitely something you want your audience to feel. Plus, I think this story and the way you're telling it leans on introspection and reflection as well as the basic dialog and actions, and I definitely think that should continue to be the case. However, at the same time, your prose is a little too far on the purple side, and you have a bad habit of piling on adjectives where they aren't really needed. You've got to be careful with adjectives; they're immensely useful and undeniably important, but at the same time they're deceptive. They're all style and no substance, and while they can impart useful information and bring a story to life they can also, when used in excess, frustrate the reader by inflating the wordcount without adding anything of value.

      So ultimately I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think you should cut back on the wordiness and try to make things be a little more to-the-point, but just be careful not to go too far with it. Jettison the fluff without losing what's actually important.

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    35. Dear Rainbow Dash;

      please, for the love of Celestia, don't be the 'bad mare' on this fic. Remember to always have calm and stay with your cool to avoid breaking poor Scootaloo's heart.

      Sincerely, me.

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    36. @Rafasde

      P.S.: Where are all the readers?? Come on, this is awesome!

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    37. @A Pony Farce

      I saw this comment and felt I had to respond simply because of how massive it is. Thanks for the feedback, I'll definitely keep what you say in mind, but I feel a little different about your perspective. When I write, I feel as though I should be painting a picture for the reader. I feel it's my obligation to give the audience as much vivid detail as I can so they can visualize what is being read. As much as you feel I should 'jettison the fluff,' I feel like that would remove a part of what the story is. Whether that's just me going overboard with forcing the reader to only see one thing as they read or not, I guess it's up to them to decide. Thanks for the post.

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    38. @Corejo
      I understand that, and that's why I'm saying you have to strike a balance. I'll say it again, because I think it's one of the most brilliant phrases ever written: "brevity is the soul of wit." It's good that you want to paint a picture with your words, but moderation is also part of that. Much like the artists needs to know when their painting is best served by simple shapes and colors, the writer needs to know when their story is best told with simple words. You can give us a clear, specific image without all of the extraneous adjectives. Let me give you an example:

      "This public chastisement sat sourly with the young pegasus who glared daggers at her instructor. Out of pure spite, a pink hoof rose into the air, followed by an ostensible series of excited interjections."

      Let's look at what's important in this paragraph, divided up into four individual points:

      -Scootaloo is unhappy about being scolded
      -Scootaloo glares at the teacher
      -Diamond Tiara wants to rub it in
      -Diamond Tiara puts her hoof up and goes "ooh, ooh, ooh"

      We can cut out a lot of that first sentence and still get the same exact image. This is one of the times when "show, don't tell" applies; instead of telling us that Scootaloo is upset, you can show it through her actions. Imagine a similar scene as it might be executed on the show: everyone laughs and we get a close-up of Scootaloo, leaning forward slightly, eyes slanted in anger, maybe her forelegs are even crossed. We see that and we know the "public chastisement sat sourly" with her- we don't need a voiceover where she thinks "I am so angry at this teacher right now" to drive the point home. The same idea applies to writing: once we know that Scootaloo is glaring at her teacher, we know she's not happy about being called out. Instead of telling us how she's feeling, tell us how she's acting; give us more detail about her body language or even describe the glare itself a bit more. That creates a clearer, more specific image in our minds and gives us actually meaningful information that we can do something with.

      I ran into the character limit (I didn't even know we had one of those!) so let me move the rest into a different comment real quick.

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    39. @A Pony Farce
      Now, the second sentence. The big thing I take issue with is the phrase "an ostensible series of excited interjections." What does the word "ostensible" tell us? How does it enhance the image? It doesn't, really; if something is "ostensible," that means it's "stated or appearing to be true, but not necessarily so." The word is meaningless because, well, it doesn't apply to the situation. Diamond Tiara is calling out for the teacher to pick on her; that's a simple fact, and there's nothing ostensible about it. I don't want you to think I'm just picking on one misplaced adjective, though, because the larger problem with the phrase is that it doesn't really tell the reader what it needs to tell them. It's really not clear what "an ostensible series of excited interjections" actually is until the next paragraph clarifies things, even though it should be immediately obvious. We've all seen (or been) a kid sticking their hand up in school and going "ooh, ooh, ooh" because they want to be called on, but the words you chose don't really evoke that image.

      I would also say that we can apply a little bit of "show, don't tell" here as well. It's true that "out of pure spite" is, in isolation, actually pretty important; without it, we don't know if Diamond Tiara is being a jerk or if they're just eager to answer the question. However, it's not in isolation, so rather than simply telling us that she's acting out of spite, it would be better to add something to her actions that makes it clear. If she, for example, turns to Scootaloo and sticks her tongue out after answering the question, it would still make the point clear, but with the additional benefit of allowing the reader to create a more detailed and interesting mental image of the events.

      I know it probably seems like I'm being a pedantic, self-righteous jackass, and I'm sorry; I'm really not trying to be. I do think you've got a good story on your hands, even if the writing itself could use some work. I'm just telling you about what I see as a flaw in the fic and trying to provide some advice that I hope you can use to help you make it better.

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    40. Lemme guess, the teacherbitch is gonna somehow prevent Scoot from going on Friday or something....

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    41. @A Pony Farce

      "I know it probably seems like I'm being a pedantic, self-righteous jackass, and I'm sorry; I'm really not trying to be"

      Hardly. This is the first piece of literature I've ever written outside of academic reasons (and we all know how boring those can be) and you're the first to really scrutinize my writing style save a few others above. I'm thankful you've taken the time to do so. Guess I'm just trying too hard...

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    42. @Corejo
      I wouldn't say it's a matter of trying too hard, really. It's really just about knowing when to rein yourself in.

      I mean, I know I wrote a couple huge walls of text about it, but in all honesty this kind of problem really isn't all that bad, especially on a first effort. Lots of novice writers have the same exact problem, and in all honesty you're really not that bad about it, relatively speaking. One of the hardest lessons a writer has to learn is what people sometimes call "killing your babies;" it's only natural to get attached to the words you've written, and there are few things harder in writing than knowing when to let go of them.

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    43. We have yet to see any real Scootasad. Scootasomber, sure. But sad? No. What comes in chapter 4? I hope some falling.

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    44. Scootasad is coming. Be patient :)

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    45. The pic definitely intrigued me, and I like the premise of her seeing RD and being inspired to achieve the impossible.

      I'll be reading this fic when I get back home this afternoon.

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    46. @A Pony Farce


      Anyways, I redacted the three chapters that are up now and did my best to 'strike a balance' like you were talking about earlier, but I'm kind of thinking the impasse we have here is more of a preference for writing styles than any actual 'flaws'. I read the story you wrote on EqD and enjoyed it. I see where you used action as the main driving force behind your depictions, and it worked really well. Its descriptions were short and very concentrated, which in its own right is something I see worthy of substantial merit. But I feel there were points where more description could have been beneficial. Personally, I thoroughly enjoy text-heavy stories and massive amounts of description regardless of how long it takes for the story to proceed. I like getting lost in the words of a work of fiction, without concerning myself with how much it may fluff the story.

      Whether it's a form of hubris or not, the way they are now is more or less how I'll be writing from now on. I hope you'll continue to read and enjoy the story. :)

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    47. @Corejo
      Fair enough. I recognize that my writing style and tastes tend towards the lean and efficient much more than most people's; truth be told, I tend to glaze over long descriptions and just kind of create my own mental images almost independently of what the author describes. Plus, my interest as a writer is actually screenwriting rather than prose, which colors my perception even further. I freely admit that I could be wrong here; it's not like I'm an expert at this, either.

      Still, I stand by my advice. You don't have to follow it, and I'm going to keep an eye on the story regardless, but I do believe that every word counts. I'm a big fan of Terry Pratchett, for example (I actually just started rereading my copy of Good Omens earlier today- Gaiman's another personal favorite), and what I always liked about his writing is that while his narration tends to be long-winded and rambling, it all serves a purpose; he's always building up to some kind of joke or observation, and it never feels like he's wasting space. I guess what I'm saying is that if you take anything away from this, that should probably be it: every word you write should serve a purpose and add value to the reader. Just keep that in mind and I think you'll do just fine as you keep writing and gain more experience.

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    48. @RafasdeWhy do I have this sinking feeling that Scoot is going to eventually realize that the reason she is going through all the trouble is because she has a crush on you know who?

      I'm not against the idea; just expressing one possible outcome for the tension and dread that has been building up through chapters 2 and 3.

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    49. Oh god, that teacher is going to directly cause Scoot to fail the Speedsters stuff and lose everything she cares about.

      Man, buck multi-subject teachers. At least when they only do one subject you have at least one teacher a day who isn't a donkey.

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    50. Spoiler warning, just to be fair:

      This line seriously baffled me: "Her brow rose in piqued curiosity before her intrigued expression gave way to a malicious grin."

      An actually Cruel schoolteacher? For girls who I can only assume is 10-12 years old?

      Really? I mean, up until then I could see her as strict and tight on discipline. I could see that as realistic and of course she would come off as cruel to a filly. But this?

      Maybe it's just me, but I've never even come across a teacher like that and I can't see one getting away with in a small town like Ponyville.

      It might just be the difference in culture (considering I live in Sweden), but most of the Teacher/Student interaction in this fic has seemed really absurd to me.

      Someone like Scootaloo would, at a school here, have the teachers Encouraging her. Sure, any good teacher would also badger her about staying awake in class, doing her homework, etc. But they would do it while still encouraging her to follow her desires, at least when it's something productive like this.

      So yeah, this just feels like some kind of a caricature of a teacher to me. One that's pretty much everything a teacher Shouldn't be.

      Just my two cents really. Felt like writing them. Story is very well written and interesting otherwise. I hope we'll get to see more of Scoots father, he seems quite interesting. (Former Wonderbolt I presume?)

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    51. I also noticed that the teacher seemed a bit petty, but I kind of dismissed it since we have no tangible info about her background, motives, etc.

      On a different note, I also felt that the first part seemed a little like Thesaurus Soup, to the point that it was distracting. I've noticed a similar pattern in some of my own work, but only after leaving it for a while and coming back to it. I guess that's part of why it's nice to have an editor, to help with these kinds of things. Anyways, the writing style become much smoother and natural over parts 2 and 3. Either that or I got used to the odd vocabulary choices and stopped noticing.

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    52. Any word on when Part 4 might be out?

      *insert why wub woo face*

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    53. @Zanzibar I have actually had a teacher like the one in the story. She was my 1st grade teacher.
      "well shure she seemed mean you were in 1st grade!"
      Sorry, no. She broke rulers over my head because I wrote left handed. Guess who is right handed now? This guy.
      She also notified me that I was adopted (my parents were not very happy that I found that out from my teacher).
      She was an outright bitch.

      I'm in college now and I can't even draw a straight line with my left hand (let alone the perfect cursive that I use to write in. Also, can't write cursive with my right hand. I don't know why...)

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    54. @Corejo
      I love your writing style. The things that A Pony Farce warns against are the very things that made me fall in love with the Redwall books, as well as Eragon (shitty, disappointing movie btw) and the Septimus Heap series.

      I haven't read a book in 3 years because authors are shying away from this style (that and I have never re-read anything in my life. I just can't bring myself to do it. Idk why.)

      I am very hesitant about reading fics (mostly so I don't accidentally head canon something... Like Cupcakes... Thank Celestia I didn't read that.) but I am happy to have read your fic and honestly wouldn't want to know a life in which I didn't read this.
      Can't wait for more. Keep up the good work.

      @A Pony Farce
      I understand and respect where you are coming from, and I especially like how helpful and respectful you were being. You don't see that often on the net (even pony sites).
      You will go far in life like that.

      For me, every word gives my mind more fuel to very vividly recreate the scene down to the last detail.
      I don't like watching movies based on books I've read for this reason (directors see it differently than I do every time).
      I don't know why I shared that last sentence there...

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    55. @NLR Soldier
      Chapter 4 is coming along a little slower than i'd personally like, but its one of the chapters I really want to make sure I get across how I want it to. That, and I'm prepping for story 2, so all I can really say is sorry its taking a while.

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    56. @Cloud Runner
      Really? Must be that whole culture thing if she actually broke rulers over your head. If she was using physical violence then I'm kinda surprised she's not in jail. If a teacher here actually hit someone with Anything, it would be all over the media instantly and it would Not be fun being that teacher.

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    57. Well, no better time than now to read Chapter Three.
      Just so you know, both 'A Tale of Two Cities' and this story have me hooked, even though I know the rough ending for them.

      If this confuses anyone, look for my previous ranty review. I didn't star the story yet, but I know mow that I'm not giving it a three or less.

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    58. Those last three words of Chapter 4...

      This has just gone from "An update? Cool." levels of interest to "Where's the next chapter?!?"

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    59. Oh hey it's me again. I feel kind of bad that I keep doing this, but in the latest chapter I noticed you seemed to have some problems with word usage. I'm not sure if it's a new issue or if I just didn't pick up on it in earlier chapters, but even early on I've noticed a couple of words that don't quite work the way you're using them. For example, "exasperated" doesn't really describe the sound someone makes after eating food that's too hot, and you generally wouldn't describe a smile as having a "connotation" (I think you can argue that it's technically correct, but "implication" would be a better word to use).

      Someday I will learn to stop nitpicking but that day ain't today.

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    60. @A Pony Farce
      Because I kind of forgot to put some actual practical advice in there:

      Just be careful about your word choices. Sometimes a word doesn't quite mean what you think it does, or maybe it kind of fits but only sort of, and oftentimes there's a better word to use that gets the idea across more clearly. Don't be afraid to use the dictionary if you have to- the English language can be one pedantic motherfucker when it wants to and a writer needs all the help he can get to wrangle it into shape.

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    61. That "mom" thing resounded in my head for the longest time during this story, but the last thing I expected was to actually be a factor to the story.

      On a side note, I now see where the sad kicks in. This should be interesting.

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    62. Manly tears are waiting to be shed.

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    63. Here comes the Scootasad!

      I like this story. The prose is very decent (I caught a few past/present tense errors in the latest chapter, but nothing major) and the slow build to the last moment of Ch. 3 was executed very capably. Looking forward to the next part.

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    64. For some reason my mind immediately went to fluttershy when i read that last line... not sure why.

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    65. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    66. oh man... i'm imagining like a dozen different ways this could go, and all of them terrible (in a hopefully tell written kind of way)

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    67. my spine is tingling in anticipation!!! Damn cliffhanger!!! loved the part when tyco took on the teacher, classic!!!

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    68. Okay, I read this all today, not having paid attention to the previous updates, (probably because of the sad tag) and I've got a few things to say.

      First, I love that you did a canon-style Scootaloo story. She's one of my favorites (up there with derpy, Twilight, Luna, and of course, Rainbow Dash). I don't think there's enough fiction out there focused on her, so this was nice.

      Second, I love your writing style. Your descriptive imagery is awesome and it paints a pretty vivid image in my mind. Your grammar and spelling could use a fine-toothed comb, but I'm not too picky.

      Third, your word choice, especially the language. I usually don't like swearing in a story, especially in MLP fanfiction. That being said, I was mentally screaming when Scootaloo's dad went off on her teacher. Not screaming, "why?!" screaming, "yes!" That pony was being such a jackass, and knowing people like that, I was glad he gave her a piece of his mind.

      Fourth, the training and the races. Those descriptions were so perfect, I immediately came to the conclusion that you must be a cross country and/or track runner. I've done both sports for three years now, and I could relate perfectly to Scootaloo and how she was feeling. I know the exhaustion felt in school during two-a-days, I love the energy I have when we start to taper, (State's in two and a half weeks, so it's pretty soon.) and the intensity of a race, especially when your coach has marked someone for you to beat.

      Fifth, Rainbow Dash is my favorite, so it's great to see her in a mentor role to another one of my favorites. Yes, she's cocky and competitive and comes off as a bit of a jerk sometimes, but I like to believe that she has this softer side for ponies who share her passion for flying. I really like how you've portrayed her so far.

      Finally, that last line... Not sure what to say to that. I can't help but think that this shouldn't be the first time she's asked.

      Anyway, in short, great job so far. I can't wait to see what comes next.

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    69. Ch. 1: Only one I read so far. My reaction? GO SCOOT, GO!

      Scootawin?

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    70. D: Chapter 4... those last three words... oh my god.

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    71. Here comes the tragic Scootasad! Battle stations, everybody!

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    72. Spend past hour typing up beautiful comment of praise

      Click "Post Comment"

      *ERROR*

      wat

      Click "Back Button"

      No more comment.

      Fuck.

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    73. I couldn't have said it better than bronydash about Scoot's dad giving the teacher a piece of his mind. I was screaming "OMG YES, THANK YOU! THANK YOU!" in my head while I was reading that.

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    74. I've always kind of gotten the vibe that RD has plenty of her own abandonment/compensation issues.

      "You weren't there
      You never were
      You want it all
      But that's not fair

      I gave you life
      I gave my all
      You weren't there
      You let me fall"

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmY-G_REwRk

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    75. This... is gonna get messy, inn't it?
      I hope that it doesn't go as deep as I think it does with Rainbow Dash... you wouldn't dare...
      ...would you?? O.O
      Btw, I agree with bronydash, you got those pre-race jitters and gritty determination down to a 'T'. I do Half-Ironmans and Cyclocross and I know exactly how that feels...
      Please let this end well!

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    76. P.S. This had better not be related to that Drawfriend 204, #12 picture...
      I will be pissed.

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    77. Me: I should go check up on some of the other stories I've been reading.

      >Story: Transcendence (Update Part 4!)

      Oh hey, it's updated, nice. *reads, then closes the tab*
      Oh wait, I should probably read the comments. *re-opens the main story page*

      >Story: Transcendence (Update Part 5!)

      Aww yeeeeah

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    78. Scootoloo's Dad is badass and awesome and I have immense respect for him now, mainly because he's a single father and because he told off the teacher. It's a shame that he's an OC pony. I can only hope that if Scootoloo's dad appears sometime in MLP that he's half as cool as depicted here.

      Looking forward to reading more. :D

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    79. ...why do I have the sudden suspicion that Rainbow Dash is Scootaloo's half-sister?

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    80. @BlankFlankBrony
      You're not the only one with this suspicion :D

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    81. @BlankFlankBrony
      I have a familiar suspicion haha.:)

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    82. Where's that 'suspicion' coming from? There's no real implication in the story of it.

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    83. This had damn well better not end with Scootaloo losing the ability to fly.

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    84. This deserves all of the six stars it already has and then some.
      Now, unfortunately, I must critique.
      The buildup of the last few chapters was what really sold me on this story (and a fair amount of my own Scootalove). You started to reveal the mother's story juuuust right, and then somewhere between that and Scootaloo asking to sleep with her father, you lost me. I can't decide if it was a too sudden reveal of Tyco's feelings, as compared to the rest of the story, or something else. I just can't.
      Your use of the language, though, is something that I wish I could see more often. Why, just earlier today, I had a very serious conversation regarding a need in the separation of proper English and the various American dialects. English is, of course, the better choice, and I'm glad to see someone other than an instructor use it properly.
      Forgive my rambling. Take the overall meaning of my wall of text as one of appreciation, with a hint of confusion.

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    85. I've been following this story with a great deal of interest since you started writing it, so I feel obliged to offer some sort of feedback at this late stage.

      Overall, this is well-written. You've done a great job of detailing scenes and building drama into the story, while staying true to canon. The prose used can verge on being a little overwrought, but this hasn't so far stopped me enjoying it, and it can even work well for scenic descriptions.

      I do, however, have reservations about that same heavy prose making its way into character's mouths. Particularly Tyco. I can buy that his aristocratic past could influence his mode of speech ("-comforted by the serendipity of your entrance-" especially strikes me as a little too grandiloquent), but that would raise questions about why that same speech hasn't been passed down to Scootaloo.

      Wordy prose can be excellent for setting a scene or describing actions, but I think you should take care to tone it down for character dialogue, to make it sound more like Tyco trying to explain his early life to his young daughter rather than him reading from a book.

      All that said, there's nothing else I would really change, and I'll be eagerly waiting to see how this progresses.

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    86. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    87. @cormac-murray
      Well, if you remember back from chapter 1, I explained that.

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    88. @Corejo

      Ah, I beg your pardon. That part must have slipped my mind.

      In that respect, it might benefit your story to show Tyco effort's to improve Scootaloo's vocabulary rather than just mention them. Show her trying to use some of his expanded language in other conversations, or trying to mimic his speech patterns (and succeeding or otherwise.). Show, don't tell, in other words.

      Again, none of this stops me from enjoying the fic; it's one of the best ones I've encountered on the site. But it never hurts to always try and improve where possible.

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    89. YAY, PART 5!

      *grabs a beer, sits in his manly recliner, turns down ESPN and prepares for the manliest, tear-jerkingest Scootasad yet*

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    90. @DPV111What a lovely story, can't wait to read more.

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    91. This is really good.
      2 questions: is this complete?
      What is sweetie bells cutie mark or didnt he mention it?

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    92. needs moar part 6

      although, it has some amazing writing, and i'm almost scared to read further knowing its going to be sad, but keep this coming. bookmarked and reserved for later reading, and i give it a 5/5

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    93. Oh, that is not fair...that is SO NOT FAIR.......having Rainbow Dash say that and fly away? So many unanswered questions...also, I want to murder RD now, but that's a different story...this story is too good! I want more!

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    94. I was dreading when the sad tag was going to show up.

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    95. Oh. My. Celestia.

      Mkay, I knew it was sad and the whole her not having her mom part was but it didn't fit the description of the story. So I keep reading on and then chapter 6 rolls right on in. Doing good, doing good, RD leaving = sad, mkay... ending. BAM. I found the pivotal point. And ffffuuuuuuu-! Can I smack RD? PLEASE? RAWR ME NO LIKEY HER ATTITUDE!

      Anyways, 5 stars. Keep it up!

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    96. Weeeeeell Shit, that was a bombshell. I hope part seven has some sort of resolution to that because those last few paragraphs were about as OOC as it gets.

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    97. What the hell Dash? This better be some batman gambit.

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    98. I'm curious as to how they will handle the relationship between Rainbow Dash and Scootoloo in the show. Faust's statement about Rainbow not being a good sister and the fact that she is hopelessly blunt at times, could mean a variety of times that could happen. So I'm considering what happens in this story as one of those what-ifs.

      Anyway, this story has me hooked and I'm glad whenever the fic updates. The even that happened at the end was really sad, but perhaps there is another reason that Rainbow Dash is doing that? Who knows? Anyhoo, all we can do is happily await part seven. That being said, keep up the good work Corejo. :)

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    99. How... How could you?
      This is the first time, and hopefully the last that I shall call Rainbow Dash one hell of a bitch and you, Corejo, one sick, soulless bastard.

      I remember occasionally reading some lines that seemed rather over-dramatic, only for me to shrug those off as attempts to evoke emotion, and then I read THAT.
      The only possible way I could begin to comprehend Dash's attitude would be if she felt the same way towards her trainer/mother. But that's too simple.

      At the moment, this story has my full approval, while managing to have all of the hate I can muster.

      You best watch your step.

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    100. Love the story. Kinda expected RD's "cold treatment" from the plot summary, though. I didn't know it was going to built up til part 6. Anyway, can't wait til part 7.

      Also, call me dumb for asking this, but is Scootaloo only CMC member who DOESN'T have a cutie mark yet? If I understand correctly, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle got theirs during the "hard training" part before the Junior Flyers competition, and there was no mention of Scoots' cutie mark as of now.

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    101. And then I understood after rereading all the stories so far.

      So maybe spoiler.

      Pretty sure this is a spoiler.

      Definitely a spoiler right here.

      Scootaloo's dad had to make the choice between his love and his dream, he chose his love with no regrets. I get the feeling Rainbow Dash is in the same perdiciment, helping her train would hurt her preformance with the Wonderbolts, so she had to choose between Scootaloo and her life long dream. Sadly Rainbow Dash chooses the Wonderbolts, leaving Scootaloo devistated.

      I hope Rainbow Dash re-thinks her priorities in the next few chapters and decides that if being a Wonderbolt means hurting those closest to you, it just isn't worth it.

      /end spoiler

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    102. I'm hoping to Celestia that RD is doing this for a reason here. If she isn't, I think I'm going to cry. A lot.

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    103. Wha .. bu .. WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

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    104. Sometimes people say what they don't mean, or perhaps Rainbow was just frustrated with something, which could be Scootoloo losing, Rainbow not being there, Rainbow having to choose her dream or her love, or thinking that Scootoloo didn't try to win. It seems pretty sudden for her to come out with that, as either something major happened during the month she was gone or she had similar feelings this whole time.

      Since this story is from Scootoloo's perspective, we won't have known if Rainbow felt this way the entire time or not. Perhaps Rainbow has a plan of trying to motivate Scootoloo by making her think that she wasn't good enough? I guess we won't be able to tell until later. Or maybe because I like Rainbow Dash, I feel compelled to justify her behavior. :o

      I also can't wait to see more interactions between the CMC and the Mane six in season 2, just to see how they react to each other. Like in episode 12, Call of the Cutie where Rainbow Dash helped Applebloom for a bit. That was very cool.

      I keep forgetting that since episode 16 (Sonic Rainboom) happened before episode 18, Scootoloo has never actually seen the Rainboom yet. I'm curious as to why Scootoloo adores Dash so much then, since their first interaction was Rainbow suddenly appearing at the Talent show. I think their first interaction was something else, but I'm unsure as to when exactly that is.

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    105. Manly tears, Myst.....Manly tears...........

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    106. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    107. @dublio

      There's actually a fanfic that descibes the reason Scootaloo admires Dash so much is because her father took her to the competition and she saw the rainboom.

      But seriously, who is this pod-person that took over Rainbow Dash's body?

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    108. Scoots declaration made me go d'awwwww...

      And I thank Ink Stream for having the idea that this is some form of gambit. Just what is going on...?

      *half-baked idea*

      Wait... did someone give Dash the same kind of treatment in her early years? Where the toughest lesson is how to deal with coming up short, how to persevere despite what others say?

      Or did the author just want Dash to trigger this reaction?

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    109. I have many manly tears, the only other fic to do this to me was my little dashie. I demand ch 7

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    110. The part that worries me is the description.

      "Broken and betrayed, Scootaloo must learn to accept her reality and embrace her inner strength with the help of her father and two best friends."

      We all know who her two friends are....which leads me to believe that RD was serious about what she said. Which would make me cry harder than a baby. I just can't imagine RD doing that to Scoot now. :(

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    111. Rainbow, you got some 'splainin to do!

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    112. Not gonna lie that was really Cold of Dash in this latest chapter

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    113. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    114. Oh darn it why you gotta do that RD, D:

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    115. Has anyone seen Rainbow Dash? Pegasus, about yay high, rainbow colored mane. Kinda like that Wonderbolt over there, except possessing the element of loyalty.

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    116. Wait...

      wat?

      Buck you Corejo and give us Chapter 7.

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    117. why did u have to make me cry right before i was going to bed?

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    118. You guys are kinda quick to judge, don't you think? I'm certain there's more going on here that won't be explained until later; the narrative pretty much requires it.

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    119. @Corejo

      Why must you pull this on us? Now we're all waiting in suspense. Surely RD can't be that heartless! :(

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    120. ^ what he said.

      Let's give Corejo a chance to write the next chapter and then we'll see what happens. In the meantime Corejo, take heart in the fact that ponies are critical of your story because they care. And caring is good. :)

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    121. I really love your writing style up to now, but I now have one concern:

      Dash better have a REALLY good reason for what she said, otherwise she just went massively out of character.

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    122. Actually my comment was directed at what Pony Farce said. But I was too slow to post. xD

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    123. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    124. You're a right bastard for pulling that on us, you know that? :P Complete mood whiplash from the Scootalove just moments before (got me a little choked up there - confound these ponies and their emotions).

      I really gotta hope this is Dashie running a Batman Gambit, as advanced above. I just can't think of anything that could have legitimately caused such a complete 180 in her behavior towards Scoots in the space of one month. Element of Loyalty and all that.

      That said, this has been excellent thus far.

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    125. This really doesn't make sense. RD had a completely horrible performance before Rarity caused RD to do the Rainboom. Either that wasn't RD, or she got some ridiculously strong motive in the last month to make her to completely betray Scootaloo. Otherwise the RD in this fic isn't the one we know from the show, amd never was.

      I don't like when this kind of stuff happens in fiction, because it's not the story or events that screw things, it's the characters and the author.

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    126. Please don't let the comments dissuade you from continuing the story Corejo. :o

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    127. That ending made me want to reread cupcakes.

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    128. It's not that I don't LIKE the ending, it's just such a shock, and I think I'm still reeling. That might go for most of the others here, too.

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    129. That definitely caught me off guard. I can't wait to see the next chapter and see what happened there.

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    130. "It was a game of chicken; this was her domain."

      Hah!

      (Gets to the end) ... Hhm... Well that was out of character. Element of Loyalty not being so loyal eh? If this IS as Displayname said then it doesn't go along with how Rainbow Dash acted when she was approached by the Shadowbolts.

      Hopefully there's more to it than her simply thinking that letting Scootaloo go will help her with her career because otherwise I foresee this story going a direction I hope it won't, I got hints of the possibility of this direction when Tyco yelled at Scootaloo's teacher so if it does then at least I can take pride in having seen it coming.

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    131. @ Chapter 6

      DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN~

      But seriously, holy sheet. I wonder how Dash plans to excuse shattering her heart like this?

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    132. Chapter 6...

      I thought this wasn't gonna be Scootabuse! The hell is with that last scene?

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    133. As others have said, the last scene was quite drastic. I hope there's good reasoning behind Rainbow doing that. Makes no sense at the moment.

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    134. That is the last straw. That last part made me feel more for Scootaloo than I have for anything, ever, whether it be a person, a non-living object, or Tom.

      How convinient that i'm an animator, this will be my latest project.

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    135. Gah, the sad! The heart-tearing sad! You lured me in and broke my heart. Damn you. Good story so far though!

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    136. ...that last part made no sense. RD lacks the understanding of psycology (to my knowledge the show has always portrayed her as "street smart, book dumb") to pull off a gambit like some of you are suggesting, and that statement being gnuine would contradict the verry escence of who she is. In the same way Aj is terible at lying, or fluttershy has to be pushed over the edge to even show anger, Rd should be incapable of stabbing somone in the back like that.

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    137. Ok, that was unexpected. I have little doubt we will see an explanation in a future chapter though.

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    138. Chapter six... Oh sweet Celestia that chapter six...

      You had the perfect buildup, the execution was great (and RD's reaction was beautiful man, manly tears) and then those last few paragraphs... I really hope Rainbow is giving tough love here because that was brutal. This fic has already far exceeded my expectations and, given the description, its going to be a long ride.

      Here's to you Corejo...

      Also, One-hundred-fifty-fourth!!! What now!?

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    139. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    140. I am listening to the song Scoots danced to in the Raiders of the Cutie Mark. That is the only thing between me and the oblivion of ambulating among the nocturnal aspect of the rotational cycle.

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    141. Yeah, Summarized:
      The next few chapters had best be contain a hell of a lot of handwaving, because that reaction was ludicrously out of character.

      Hell, even if RBD was as ridiculously self centered as she pretended to be at her worst moments in the show, it would STILL be OTT OOC.

      The explaination almost has to have something to do with something Tyco did as a wonderbolt, but still...

      IMHO, you need to toe a razor line here, author. You need to explain how this scene was not incredibly out of character, and while you need to keep a sense of drama and suspense and build up, you also CANNOT wait too long before giving a working explanation at the minimum, because the last section literally shattered my suspension of disbelief, and judging my the comments I'm not the only one.

      ...and am I a bad person if FilthyWalrus's comment made me crack up irl?

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    142. I expect an explanation for Dash's behavior... that was REALLY out of character for her. I think you may have made a plot twist that disfigured the story rather then add to it.

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    143. There certainly needs to be an explanation for Dash's behavior. She's blunt but that was just cruel.

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    144. I feel like you ended chapter 6 too suddenly. I would've liked to see more of Scoots reaction. Her depression, her shock, her emotions. Given just a little more, I would've been crying in between class. And I really wanted to cry when I read it. But something stopped me, and I think it was just the abrupt way to had Scoot break down.

      Walk us through her shock as it leads to depression. Will it hit like brick or gradualy sink in as she stands there in shock? I'd really like to see more to that. Maybe give her some time before the tears? Fall to knees and just stare at the ground, and then the tears.

      This is a well-deserved six star story.

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    145. Saw it coming a MILE away on account of the story's description.
      Still, the ONLY explanation I can come up with is that Rainbow wants to force/drive Scootaloo to become even better...
      But even then WTF Rainbow Dash!

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    146. It wasnt surprising but still it is definitely OOC, Rainbow is the element of Loyalty and that was NOT loyal. It might be that she is trying to push Scoot to become even better but still like i said VERY OOC.

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    147. well, we were all waiting for this moment, speculating what exactly Dash was going to do to Scoots. It's here and looks like we are all upset! hahaha guess that shows we all love the story that we care enough about it to get upset. Cant wait for the rest, holding my rating till you have a complete tag on here.

      I was just thinking, someone mentioned the story is from Scootaloo's perspective, wonder if thats not what Dash said at all, and just what Scoot "heard" meaning maybe Dash let her down gently, and shes just way over reacting since she lost, and let her mentor/surrogate mother down and not thinking strait atm...

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    148. Quite the cliffhanger you've created in part 6, if the comments are any indication. Tis has been very enjoyable. I adore the character of Scootaloo's father (crowning moment of awesome versus the teacher), and all of the material has been well-written and entertaining. I can't wait for the next part!

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    149. I see two possible reasons for Rainbow Dash'es behavior:
      1. She thinks that Scootaloo was only training on the flight stuff for HER, instead of out of genuine desire to be a Wonderbolt/proffesional stunt flier, and is going to waste her life trying to live up to Rainbow's example. Thus, to prevent her from living an ultimately unfulfilled life of attempting to copy Dash and never finding her special talent, Rainbow Dash is attempting (and probably succeeding) to destroy Scootaloo's idolization of her so she can live her own life separate from Dash'es.
      2. Rainbow Dash is doing the whole 'Tough Love' thing, you know, push through the adversity, rise to the top, blah blah blah.

      I think it is the first one myself.

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    150. @KingTwelveSixteen

      For some reason I feel like you're probably a Doctor Who fan from your comment.

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    151. Pretty cruel, but awesome all the same. I wouldn't put too much stock in any particular character's supposed embodiment of their Element of Harmony. Simply put, the reason they were all chosen for the EoH's was because they were needed (as they existed at the time), for to handle a specific situation (as it existed at the time). People change. Not always for the better. If RD feels that you can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs (and damaging a few friendships along the way), then so be it. Life is choices. And I think we can all agree that RD's talent and force of personality would make such a fork in the road inevitable at some point. As you guys already mentioned, the same thing already happened to Tyco.

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    152. I think it has something to do with when RD said "When you think you have nothing left in you" "you do". This might be somehow incorporated with what KingTwelveSeven said with his first idea.

      Absolutely loving the story so far, not sure if I should look forward to chapter 7 more, or episode 3.

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    153. For the first time ever, I'm actually routing for the Cupcakes Pinkie Pie.

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    154. Wow, this story just went from " I guess 6-star for writing", to "OMG plottwist .... 6+ stars"

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    155. This weekend I was digging Lesson Zero, like most of us. It was fun. But Twi's OCD hijinks aside...I also rewatched S1E16 "Sonic Rainboom" and S1E18 "The Show Stoppers" again. For me, Scoot stole every scene. Due in no small part to this story. Even though RD only appeared once at the very end, it lent the too-familiar sensation of a skipped heart beat. Her brief appearance probably would not have provoked such a reaction, if not for Transcendence.

      CONFOUND YOU, YOU EGOTISTICAL, ARROGANT, LAZY, ADORABLE, RIDICULOUSLY TALENTED, HEART-MELTING, CYAN PEGASUS!

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    156. Why can I see Applebloom looking for Scoot in the next chapter yelling SCOOT-SCOOTALOO.

      I was so glad to see an update to this awesome story. I feel so sad for Scoot :(

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    157. Yeah, I am sorry, but this last chapter, I just dont see it. She still has her friends and father. The latter of which just showed her how much he loves her, twice. His words should not have hurt so much, and if anything, Scoot should have run towards her father, not away from him. It makes no sense to me.

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    158. I have to agree with King on this one - RD knew how important she was to Scoot, it just doesn't seem like she'd just go off and just break her. Doesn't stop it from being any harder.

      Corejo, I want to shake your hand and punch you at the same time. 6 Stars easily - Well done.

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    159. MOAR!! FFFFFFFFF MOAR!! I TEAR MANLY TEARS FROM THIS STORY!!

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    160. I shed tears of manlyness from this.
      Need to find out what happens next, and where Scootaloo is and how she will come out of the sadness.

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    161. I'm rather curious how the other 5 girls would react to RD's actions there.

      Scoot's told Bloom and Sweetie, so I'd say it's very likely to get back to either Rarity or Applejack.

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    162. Hhm... Kind of over-embellishing the descriptions a bit at the start. It's a dramatic moment for Scootaloo but the descriptions feel like they're trying to be too over-dramatic.

      Seems like Scootaloo was a bit quick to accept that Rainbow Dash is just a jerk, when someone idolizes another person like she did, isn't the first step usually denial? Or Scootaloo thinking Dash is right?

      That scene with the noble ponies was very clunky, very forced. It's like, suddenly, these guys that know all about Scootaloo's father are going to show up and exposit all this information so Scootaloo has a reason to run away.

      And Scootaloo running away feels... premature. There needs to be more reason for her to leave her father than this.

      Also, I'm going to say what I'm worried Tyco is or is going to be. He's very smart, was very successful, has a tragic past in the form of his wife, has a deep relationship with a canon character and has become the source of comfort when a canon character has acted like a jerk. He also has been very quick to fix situations and tell people off, which is good, but he does it in a very aggressive way that leaves other's flabbergasted and which no one else seems to act like. He sounds an awful lot like a mary=sue to me but the traits are masked by him being Scootaloo's father. I'm very worried about how this character is going to turn out...

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    163. This fic just had to update after the fic yesterday about Scootoloo never waking up huh? Now I have an image in my head about Scootoloo running away, sleeping in the cold, and then dying. Now she'll never see her friends, family, or Rainbow Dash again, never get to live her dreams, and never got to do what she's always wanted. Tis sad man.

      Oh well, time to read the new chapter.

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    164. Finished the chapter and it turns out that yes, she does actually run away, which makes me think of the above comment. Oh nooooo Scootoloo! The fact that she doesn't return for an entire day is plenty of enough time for her to...

      I keep thinking of Scootoloo committing suicide, since there were a few fanfics out there about Dash doing that after she failed her wonderbolt tryouts.

      Scootoloo's entire world breaking apart...that's much much worse. Emotions are running high, she decided to run away and accidents might happen, and depressed people don't always think logically.

      Well, I'm sure that due to the story description, it's not going to end the way like I think it will. The description mentioned inner strength so somewhere along the line, everything will turn out fine, unlike many other fics where somepony always dies for some reason.

      One small comment though is that when Scootoloo meets with her friends and says she's not good enough, Applebloom and Sweetie Belle would probably think that Scootoloo was embellishing the words a little bit. When they heard her say “B-because...because I’m not good enough,” and “I never was," I would think that they would question it or ask for more information. It seems kinda like they're mindreading because Scootoloo said nothing about Rainbow Dash saying those words.

      Anyhoo, I'm glad to be reading this fic, and I'm looking forward to reading more. I'm curious to find out about the fate of Scootoloo in this universe, It probably has something to do with all of the sadfics that I keep reading on this site. So many fanfics where something soul crushingly sad happens. :o

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    165. Sorry, I've got to correct this because it's driving me crazy: "regimen" not "regiment".

      Regimen: a regulated course, as of diet, exercise, or manner of living, intended to preserve or restore health or to attain some result.

      Regiment: a unit of ground forces, consisting of two or more battalions or battle groups, a headquarters unit, and certain supporting units.

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    166. Nice work! That was a heck of a cliff-hanger, and I'm eager to see where you go with this. I still think this is one of the better stories on the site.

      That said, just because I'm the sort of prat who nitpicks at the slightest provocation, there are a couple of word-choices that didn't quite work for me.

      "She flew silently among the clouds, admiring their insouciant existence..." - To me, 'admiring' suggests a positive frame of mind for the character in question. 'Envying' might be a better choice.

      "...effulgent in the afternoon sunlight..." - unless the amount of clean metal outweighs the amount of rust (and even then), when talking about the rusted scooter, a word that denotes all-round radiance doesn't quite fit.

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    167. Confound this Scootasad, it drives me to manly tears.

      Keep it up! My heart broke along with scoot's when her father said "go home scoot".

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    168. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me that Rainbow Dash is coming back to this story...I really want to see what her reasoning is for being so harsh to Scootaloo. :(

      Great story though, 6 stars.

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    169. @CorejoYay! Thanks! There were a number of those in previous chapters and they made me twitch each time.

      Oh yeah: I'm really loving the story, thank you. Keep up the great work!

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    170. I liked the story up until dash went completely off character :(

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    171. well, the first half of your description happened, but
      "...Broken and betrayed, Scootaloo must learn to accept her reality and embrace her inner strength with the help of her father and two best friends."
      cant happen if she runs away and commits suicide or something. I have faith that even though its a sad story full of manly tears, it will end on a good note. Quite possibly with Scoot getting her cutie mark finally because shes pursuing her real talent, not blindly following RD. Of which, RD's comment suddenly makes a certain amount of sense... heartless as it is, in and of itself.

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    172. Yeah...I don't know what to think about this. Combined with the last chapter, it feels like somebody started handing out conflict balls, villain balls, and dare I say it, idiot balls like candy on Nightmare Night for the sake of driving the plot. I get that Scoots is distraught (to put it lightly) and that depressed people rarely act in a totally rational manner, but her reaction to what basically amounts to some unintentionally poor wording by her father feels way over-the-top. Combined with what I still feel is a severely OOC moment for Rainbow in the previous chapter, and the suspension of disbelief is starting to get a little strained.

      That said, I still really want to see where you're going with this, what happens to Scoots, and I definitely want to see an explanation for why Dashie acted the way she did. So you've done your job.

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    173. Agree with that like I said its completely out of character for dash

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    174. Why are people saying that's out of character for Dash? It is, but in the story she's been a Wonderbolt for a month. Does anyone honestly expect her to be just the same?

      Who knows what happened and what she had to do or become? A month is a long time, and she could easily become a totally different pony from the pressures and demands of being a Wonderbolt.

      So in all caps for the people that read it more easily:

      IT'S NOT NECESSARILY OUT OF CHARACTER. THINK BEFORE SCREAMING OOC.

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    175. @Hrwking

      I think this could be in character for RBD, loyalty isn't as cut and dry as the other elements of harmony, and lots of things can effect it. Loyalty to the Wonderbolts in this case could mean hurting Scootaloo. And by all accounts RBD may not WANT the responsibility of a mother figure in scoots life, we know Faust said RBD would make a bad big sister, i couldn't imagine her as a mother figure. and in the case of Gilda, RBD chose to stop associating with Gilda, one of her oldest friends, because Gilda was making fun of Pinkie Pie. that's not loyalty to Gilda, even if it is loyalty to the mane-6.

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