Author: Pacce
Description: Berry Punch looks back on her life in Ponyville and has to decide whether it'd be better to abandon it.Chapter 1: My Dizzy Mom
Chapter 2: Memories in a Bottle
Additional Tags: Alcholism, Regret, Family, Choices, Perspective
41 comments:
Dat lack of description.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, He actually wrote something about OPPP. I feel like I've been reading people complain about Pacce putting this off forever.
ReplyDeleteMan, I'm not sure how to rate this.
ReplyDeleteOn one hand, characters and issues are developed very well. Its got decent flow, and it makes sense. Great backstory development! On the other hand, i don't feel sad. I stumbled through some transitions. Maybe future parts will adress this, but i can't rate it yet. The ending will tell!
I'm kind of with ZK on this. For a story that's based almost entirely on exposition, the pacing was great, and the dialog that was included was really good. Just having a two-parter made it a strong story, seeing each point of view. The tragedies and misconceptions happening in BP's life (lol BP) are developed and presented well, and characters are fine.
ReplyDeleteBut I didn't feel a lot of emotion. It was just kind of a list of sad things happening, and then BP would drink, and be kind of creepy. And yes, some paragraphs were too short, or seemed unimportant. Transitions were a slight issue, and it made reading this kind of hard. It took a very very close eye reading every word. That sounds like what someone should always be doing, but if I have to remember every single word from every single sentence that you wrote on the entire page for anything to make sense, I think I'm getting bogged down.
characters and concept and execution are great... but something just seems missing. I think it needs a little more show and a little less tell.
ReplyDeletestill the low is great and I have been waiting for a better writer than I to do a story on an established or married couple rather than a new couple.
OPPP is an acronym I don't know.
ReplyDelete@kriss1989
ReplyDelete>Over Protective Parent Pony
I, on the other hoof, was actually quite moved by this. I guess you'd have to live with or have a hard drinker in the family to truly understand some of what is being said here.
ReplyDeleteI was moved by this touching tale and I would have to say this style of narrative works for something like this. Good job fellow Brony.
inb4 6 stars
ReplyDeleteUpon further consideration I have concluded that the only thing wrong with this is that it really does fall short emotionally because it feels more like, "{insert sad thing here} happened" instead of really showing it happening,
ReplyDeleteSo yeah, clarifying my previous statement, if it were to show more than it told, the emotional impact would be far greater.
oh, and this is just me talking but romana just happening to be caught out of context seems a bit cliched and phoned in way of explaining the incident. It also makes her a bit too... innocent. It could have been much more interesting if it was romana making a mistake and her own struggle was dealing with the consequences of her own mistake and taking action to rectify things.
ReplyDeletebut don't let me write our story for you or anything.
That story was great. I think the transitions between paragraphs should be improved.
ReplyDeleteVery good story. I would've given this 5 stars, had it not been for several spelling errors and a few sentences where I had to guess the missing word. 4/5
ReplyDeleteAdrian Brony
ReplyDeleteHave I ever mentioned that I love you
Because you're saying all my issues with this story. As Cottonmouth once said, it's like a laundry list of sad things, but no emotional impact.
...How exactly are these ponies getting pregnant when they're all lesbians? Am I missing something here?
ReplyDeleteIt's magic; we ain't gotta explain shit.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteFair enough.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeletehere com da' magical science... no seriously
Apparently it is possible in real life to cause stem cells from one adult female to form into viable sperm cells that can then be used for in vitro fertilization. Supposedly lab animals have been born with 2 biological mothers as a result.
One could assume that magic would make such a process viable on a large scale much faster than it would in a world relying on physical science. Perhaps even skipping the in vitro part of the process and impregnating the egg while it is still in the body.
Great fic. Needs a third part.
ReplyDeleteDearest darlingest everyboy,
ReplyDeleteS'up.
So this was a long time coming and it's not perfect. Not by a long shot, but I'm overall happy with it.
Sorry if the spelling and stuff is still a bit sloppy in places, I couldn't get anyone to edit with me this time and I miss stuff. Odds are it'll get neater for weeks to come.
I do admit this story does ramble in places and it is mostly tell over show, but that was a conscious choice on my part. The point of the story is that one's own memory is insufficient to judge a life. Would it have been better with a more traditional narrative, maybe. But I don't think I'd enjoy it as much.
Three last things:
Romana is NOT innocent, she enabled the situation and choose to pretend there wasn't a problem rather than confront it. Also, you will note that she apologized to Lyra for Bon-Bon kissing her despite that they could have pretended like it didn't happen, but she did NOT bring it up to her own wife. Not all mistakes need to be of the "jumping in bed with others" variety.
Magic Lesbian Butt Babies:
Adrian Brony nailed it. I just didn't want to go into it and that was actually one of the issues that made this story take so long to write.
And lastly, a follow up:
There won't be one. Romana's perspective would remove the ambiguity of the character and as for dealing with their issues:
FAMILY THERAPY PONY EDITION doesn't sound terribly interesting.
These characters will pop up in future stories though, especially Berry.
I dug it anyway. Always a fan of fleshing out the complex issues behind the ponies, and if there was ever gonna be an alcoholic pony, she would be the one.
ReplyDeleteThe story lacks punch. I wasn't feeling as sad for the characters as I should have.
ReplyDeleteYeah, doesn't feel boo-hoo sad. It's really more drama. And specifically drunken rambling drama. Drunk logic makes sense to the story teller, and it works. Cherry and Berry are venting, and fundamentally no one is there to listen.
ReplyDeleteStill, while a Romana part would give everything away either Romana in high school up to the beach, or Berry six months out would give the story a bit more closure without sucking up all the room for interpretation.
I mean, the way it's set up now, Romana may still have feelings for Lyra and Bonbon. She might have done it and lied. Ponies can be complex folk, and thats fun.
@MintyRest
ReplyDeleteHmmmmmmm...
Maybe there is room for Romana's perspective after all.
Not making any promises though.
But I'll think on it.
female+female=foal?
ReplyDeleteSon, I don't think how that thing works. I liked the story, but this part killed it for me. Ever heard of adoption? Or something like artifical insemination?
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI really didn't feel like writing, "And then they stuck in the turkey baster."
You're a bright kid, you can make up your own explanation.
It brought a manly tear to my eye. But then again, my mother was an addict for a long time and I know how it can rip at a family in slightly subtle ways. This might be one of those 'only if you've been there' situations. I hope not. To be fair, though, I did skip a bit of the 'and she gets drunk and acts the fool' parts. I guess you really wanted to drive home the fact she was drunk most of the time. Probably just my personal preference.
ReplyDeleteThis is another one that I feel doesn't really warrant a [Sad] tag, by the end of it it's more hopeful than anything else.
ReplyDeleteThey always say that those that forget their history are doomed to repeat it, but those that dwell on it never move on either.
@Marrock
ReplyDeleteReally, if I didn't worry about "tricking" someone, I'd have tagged this normal.
There's not really what I'd call shipping, they're just married.
And as for the sad tag, except for Berry's father, no one dies and nopony gets hauled off by Equestria's hilariously inept Social Services.
Still, ponies cry and ponies kiss, so [shipping] and [sad] it gets tagged.
I really liked this. Perhaps I'm just easily susceptible but I felt bad for Berry, whose only source of joy became being with a daughter who wanted less and less to do with her.
ReplyDeleteSo, yeah, I thought it was great. I'm very glad that it ended on a hopeful note.
Just reading it again. It's not perfect, but it's the most wonderful thing I've read in a while.
ReplyDeletePlus, it's like getting two related fics at one time.
And it's so horrible for every character involved, it needs a second read through.
I really liked this story, especially part 2. The one problem I had was that Romana should have been at least partly culpable in the big misunderstanding. The whole "oh, you just saw exacly the wrong moment of something totally innocent" thing is too 80's Sitcom for what is otherwise a very realistic story. (Er, emotionally realistic. Not the talking pastel ponies part.)
ReplyDeleteIt can still be fairly innocent without that; if BB was fragile after a major fight with Lyra it's entirely understandable that Romana might not shove her away instantly, and even let her smooch for a while until she's settled down enough for the "you know I care, but not That Way" bit. I think the story would work better if there were a legitimate reason for Berry to be angry, just not as much as she thought. As written it's a little too much of "berry is always wrong".
On the foal question the above Anon brought up, I had the same question... assuming we are dealing with normal mammal reprduction, it's either that gender-bender magic isn't too uncommon, or same sex couples just obtain stud services when necessary and, societally, nobody brings it up if the foal happens to look a bit like the stallion two blocks over.
@Escher
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking I AM gonna need a story for Romana's side. I assure you, she made lots of mistakes. For starters, she explained the situation to LYRA and not her own wife. For now, let's just say that Berry had QUITE A WHILE to walk in at the wrong moment.
As for foal, artificial insemination using artificial sperm made from Romana. Didn't go into in because Berry wouldn't care so much about the wacky fun trip to the fertility clinic as much as arguing about the name or the celebratory sex before hand. But I think I'll put it in Romana's story.
@Pacce
ReplyDeleteHey, fair enough on the "quite a while" thing. That's essentially what I was saying anyway, the story as presented to us just didn't quite fit.
By definition, Romana defending herself is an unreliable narrator, so I suppose the criticism could easily be "Romana's story is too convenient and she must be lying". It's just that, with no other point of view available and Berry not voicing the reader's doubts (even internally), it leaves the feeling that what Romana said is objective truth.
On the other topic:
I totally understand the impulse to shy away from getting into sexual matters with the pastel ponies! Readers being human, there's a definite "Wait, WHAT?" moment there, though, so yeah...
Also, I didn't read ALL the comments before I did mine.
But hey, if it gives you the desire to write a third part, I'll totally harass you! ;)
Oh, by the way, why is this story missing its "Author: Pacce" tag?
ReplyDelete@Escher
ReplyDeleteI think they did away with the author tags because the categories bar was getting too long.
I disagree with that policy.
@Escher
ReplyDeleteAlso Berry didn't express any doubts, because she was past caring at that point. Berry honestly believed that neither Romana or Cherry loved her or needed her.
She even call Romana's "I'm not in the habit of lying" thing a "line".
I'm not saying she DID sleep with Bon-Bon, but Berry was spending almost all her time with Cherry and... well a pony gets lonely. Add to that that Romana's fear that she, quite literally, can't live without Berry. It's safe to say she got frustrated and probably sought comfort with an old friend and things got out of hand. Hoof. Whatever.
I was a fan of the story myself. It was a nice quick read and I was feeling sad for Berry and Ramona towards the end of the second part.
ReplyDelete. . . how exactly did Lyra/Bon-Bon and BP/Romana have children?
ReplyDeleteAlso: "the best man I ever met"
Problem.
I actually enjoyed the story a lot, but then again I've never been one to value the spelling/grammar stuff in stories, so I guess that's why i didn't care much about the paragraph transitions everypony seems to be complaining about.
ReplyDeleteMy only problem, one which I'm somewhat surprised to see hasn't been mentioned yet is Romana is not Colgate. She's not a blue unicorn, but rather a grey-pink earth pony
Well, I may be late to the party but I thought it was a good story and enjoyed it.
ReplyDelete