Long ago... in a far away country known to many as the Land of the Rising Sun, a strange new world called the Internet suddenly appeared one day. Within it's hallowed networks and deep within the most exclusive of forums, a fresh brand of obsession was slowly taking hold. Lonely guys and gals from across the geek sphere were latching on to colorful cartoon people with wild hair, giant eyes, and physical proportions built specifically for enticing the opposite (and sometimes same) gender.
With them came the rest of the world, lulled in with false promises of entertainment, only to be devoured when they too succumbed to the infatuation for these sirens of the pen and ink. It was a social massacre, with websites, clubs, and dedicated gatherings all exploiting the budding information super highway to spread their message. No more would they stand for less than what they feel they are worth! "Why go 3D when you can stick to 2D?!" they called! The age of the Waifu had come, and many an entertainment company dug their pick-axes deep into nerd mountain for a chance at that sweet sweet fanbase love.
Since then, the concept has expanded far beyond it's original boundaries. Indeed, not an animated game, cartoon, or movie out there could escape it's clutches. Not even Ponyland.
What's that? Waifus are creepy you say? Pony waifus especially? Well then, this probably isn't for you.
For everyone else... it is time. Gather up your trusty mice and keyboards! Sharpen your right click save as macros for all these images of adorable ponies in socks we've procured!
Join us as we ascend into glorious, pony fueled OBLIVION!
Chances are, you already knew Vapor was going to be somewhere on this list before you even clicked the post. It doesn't get much better than this pony right here. If there was a checklist of major traits looked for by the majority of waifu seekers, it was probably templated directly from that goddess of adorableness up above. She's the pinnacle of manufactured waifu bait, or as someone much more versed in the field than me has called her, "a freaky, bio engineered waifutron".
In the deepest bowels of the brony fandom, where people walk around with #1 pony pins and spend obscene amounts of money on shrines to their particular taste in cartoon horse, a simple set of guidelines are put forward every time a potential pony sets off the waifu alarms based on the following day. She aced most, but one question remained:
How well does she rock the socks?
The fandom reception of a newly introduced pony can be measured almost 100% based on if they are sufficiently socked up within the first 24 hours after an episode airs. Characters like Marble Pie, or Coco Pommel are shining examples at blockbuster pony waifus.
Needless to say, she very much rocked those socks. In fact, I'd go so far as to say she should quit the Wonderbolts and just become a sock model, but then we wouldn't be able to see how adorable she looks in flight gear.
What's that? She's taken? She's not taken. I never saw any confirmation that she's taken. That relationship right there is completely platonic. They are best buddies.
She's definitely open.
She has to be open...
She can't actually like him...
Artists: Joakaha / xnightmelody / bojourquez / Scarlet Spectrum / Anon / Scramjet / arifproject / sutekh
Gabriella the Griffon
"But.. she's not even a pony!"
Don't be racist. All creatures of Equestria deserve love. She's pretty much a pony with a beak and feathers glued in random places anyway. You've already come this far, why not just embrace madness like your peers?
Gabby has a lot going for her on the waifu scale. While socks may be a challenge with the whole talons and claws thing, there are a whole bunch of features griffons have that ponies just don't. Look at how much more powerful those wings are. Have you ever seen Harry Potter? remember the scene where they flew around the lake on a hippogriff and the intense urge to want to do it? I love Vapor, but there is no way she could tote around a full sized human on her back. Give Gabby a few more years and she could carry a Minotaur with all that wing power.
Outside of griffon based things, she's also the type of personality that would get you out there doing stuff. A dull day would be nonexistent with a girl like Gabby. Hang gliding classes, exotic tours into deep jungles, awkwardly standing around while waiting for your invisible griffon waifu to escort a granny across the street because she absolutely has to help everyone, the possibilities are endless.
Look at how cute she is! Sometimes, you just need to accept that your current significant other is a bird.
Artists: Assassinmonkey / Snackat30 / imdrunkontea / Starblaze / wbp / fanch1
Exotic and unique, Saffron is the perfect pony for someone wanting to stick to cartoon equines while craving something slightly different after years of the same default pony body type. Her colors are gorgeous, and her mane and tail some of the most alluring in the show. And check out that fashion sense. She knows exactly how make her deep, vivid tones pop.
If you are like me, you probably have a favorite Indian food place. You've also probably felt the sudden emptying of your wallet at how expensive the truly authentic dishes can get. Waifuing up with Saffron here guarantees you both incredible food and an incredible pony.
Of course, I can't ignore her wonderful ethnic accent. It's almost nostalgic in a way, as I reminisce on the super nice lady at Microsoft tech support who finally agreed to completely replace my xbox after it's 3rd red ring of death. I played so many games when it finally arrived. She made my summer break! Waifuing Saffron would do the same.
Do background ponies count? I bet I just opened a big ol' can of worms putting Pacific on the list. Feel free to not flood my inbox with angry emails about forgotten mares and just use those comments to do it instead~
She's probably one of the most fun ponies we've seen back there in a while. And with such mystery! Is she an escaped Pinkie Pie clone from the mirror pool? A loose stunt double who stumbled on set during the rave scene without realizing the show was currently being recorded? Or is she just a fun loving pink pony that can't wait to be your new bestie?
I have no idea what it would be like to date a raver girl. I actually Googled it earlier to research for this (yes, I researched for this ridiculousness), and it sounds both incredible and terrifying. A weekend with Pacific Glow would either be the most memorable experience of your life, or scar you for the next decade. The side of me that wants to live on the edge is beyond excited at the prospect. The other side is asking why the hell I'm contemplating dating a horse and packing it's bags anyway. I Guess Pacific wins.
Artists: 30clock / Mistydash / Fromamida / Antonio / mewyk91 / Manta /
Imagine if you will, a world where you did eventually get together with that super special someone. Everything is great. The romance is indescribably positive and the chemistry like combining soup and crackers. The future between you two looks wonderful.
Time goes on though, and as the months turn to years, the connection starts to weaken. You know you should pop that all-important question, but to be completely honest you are getting bored. Your significant other is hinting at feeling the same. Do you really want to be stuck with the same face for the rest of your life? Memorizing their skin spots and and slowly growing more and more annoyed at their oddities? That terrifying moment when you gaze at them across the room and wonder "how the hell did I find that attractive?!"
Introducing Thorax, the ULTIMATE waifu. Never again will you be trapped. For the simple cost of feeling somewhat woozy after having your love force sucked out hourly, you can have any girl or guy you want!
"BUT THORAX IS A DUDE DUDE, AND I'M A DUDE".
"I LIKE DUDES BUT I CAN'T HOOK UP WITH A BUG, DUDE"
A good point! But let's be realistic here. You are already unleashing the deepest aspects of your imagination in embracing a waifu. Why not just go ahead and ramp it up a few more points to ignore that Thorax is actually a creepy male bug thing? That same muscle you flex when hugging your favorite body pillow and pretending it's "THE ONE" is the same one you've strengthened enough to pretend your new changeling is actually the girl of your dreams. Sure, the post-cuddling and lack of eye contact in the morning would be incredibly awkward, but with enough practice you can imagine that away too!
Artists: HeavyMetalBronyYeah / Potzm / Bugplayer / suplolnope / Centchi / ncmares
Technically not new? But still amazing. Giant bows should be mandatory on all ponies. Or something. Skirts. She has hooves.
Oh god. I can't believe I wrote all of this. What am I even doing with my life. Where did I go wrong.
I could have been a doctor. Or a fire fighter. But here I am, discussing the pluses and minuses of cartoon pony waifus.
I suppose it could be worse.
I'm having fun right? We are all having fun. I AM having fun.
THANKS FOR READING
(And for the record this was beyond fun. We don't have no time for sanity here~)
(This was a joke post, so you definitely should not take it seriously while sending me paragraphs about how terribly corrupt EQD is becoming)