Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Lyra Reviews: The Throne of England
So, uh... hey guys. I kind of feel like we got off on the wrong feet. That's how you say it, right? The wrong feet? Well, anyway. I kinda couldn't help but notice a lot of you seemed really really mad at me, and I've pretty much spent the whole time trying to figure out what I did wrong.
Then it hit me. I like to think I'm pretty darn good at sitting on things, but you guys do it all the time! You're the world sitting champs! I don't know what I was even thinking, trying to impress you with an office chair. You probably sit on twelve nicer things than that before breakfast. So I say to myself, I say, “Lyra, you're going to have to step up your game.”
And that's just what I did. With a little bit of help from my friends, I snuck a quick little trip in to your guys' place, and I went on a quest to find the world's most totally bestest chair. You might wanna put on some glasses or something, because you will never see this coming.
Ok, so I know there's this place on earth called 'Eagle Land' or... England or... um, something. I assume it's full of eagles, anyway. Although I mostly heard about the dragons so I don't even know. Getting distracted, sorry. The point is, there's this amazing chair there that everypo-- body pretty much universally celebrates. It's even got its own place in the government! How cool is that?
And as soon as I heard about it I knew that this was the thing that was going to rock your socks off. So I headed straight there to find out what it was all about. And, if I could just make a brief tangent here, I just wanna tell you guys that human technology is So. Cool. I flew! And I didn't have to sit in a balloon or ask a pegasus pony or randomly turn into one or anything like that at all! Just climbed into a big metal tube, and whoosh! Off we went! My favorite part was the game I got to play on the way there where they bet me a bag of peanuts I couldn't open it. Spent most of the way there trying to do it. Not gonna lie, I kind of cheated at the end, but I promise I'll keep practicing.
Anyway, where was I? Oh right, eagle land. So when I got there I didn't really see any eagles, but I did see a whole bunch of rain. I wish they would have scheduled that for a later time, but oh well. I'll have to come back some time and actually pay attention to the scenery. This time, I was a mare on a mission. I marched straight down to the palace and stared at these guys in big funny hats for... gosh, I don't even know. Hours, I think. Never even blinked. Most people I meet are pretty surprised to see a talking pony, but not these dudes. Come to think of it, they're a lot like the guards back in Canterlot. See, look how much we've got in common!
Anyway, so I get inside and I'm walking around and looking everywhere for this throne. I found a whole bunch of jewels they had locked up in super secure cases for some weird reason, and some paintings and a lot of really pretty rooms, but no throne. Finally I got to it, and you'll never believe what happened: there was already an old lady sitting on it! She was super duper rude to me, too. I tried to ask if I could have a turn, and she just glared at me like Bon Bon does sometimes when I've been bouncing on the couch too much. I don't know what her problem was. If you go to try this for yourself, look out for her, for sure. As it was, I had to sneak back in at night.
Oh. My. Gosh. This is maybe the most incredamazing chair ever made. It's got all of these ornate carving dealies in it, and it's just so big your eyes will pop right out of your head. It's got so much leg room! Like, all of the leg room in the whole world. And the cushions are just... wow. If you're not careful, you'll sink right in. I looked around for any buttons or spinny wheels, but I couldn't find any. Maybe they were hidden, but that seems like kind of a poor design choice on such an otherwise awesome seat. Definitely docking a couple of points off of the final score for that one. But even with the lack of customization I don't think I've ever had a better time sitting on something. One thing you're gonna have to watch out for is this pack of little fluffy dogs that just kind of wander around the place. Super cute, but they started barking and then, uh, there was kind of this incident with some guards? And I may have spent just the tiniest bit of time in prison.
But you know what? I'd do it all again. Sitting on that throne, I just felt this incredible rush of power, like I could do anything I wanted. I think that's what being a princess feels like. Can you imagine that? Princess Lyra? Yeah, me neither. But it's fun to dream.
Final Verdict: 9.5/10 – Definite Must-Sit
Editor's Note: We're not sure what specific throne Lyra actually sat on for her review, but for those curious it was most certainly not the ceremonial and very ancient King Edward's Chair. We're a bit worried she might have just plopped herself in whatever chair the queen happened to be sitting in that day, but rest assured due diligence is being sought out. We at Equestria Daily know how much our readership values accurate, hard hitting news!
Lyra Reviews: The Throne of England
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