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Author: Starwind Dood
Description: Snips and Snails pester Twilight to teach them magic, so Twilight suggests they enroll at Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns in Canterlot. Their parents are less than thrilled by the idea. Will they get in and realize their dreams of becoming great magical ponies? Warning: Contains OC parent pony ramblings.
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Additional Tags: One-Shot, OC Parent ponies, rambling
28 comments:
oooo first
ReplyDeleteFirst
ReplyDeleteSo close T_T
ReplyDeleteOh well, today is still happy :)
u guys r lame -_-
ReplyDeleteSounds interesting.
ReplyDeleteHooray for one-shots!
@karrotline
ReplyDeleteNONBELIEVER, FACE THE WRATH OF DISCORD AND ALL CAPS!
Hahaha, seriously though, I'm still happy, cause you can't troll a troll
Sounds fun! Will give it a try.
ReplyDeleteThis is my first time writing fanfiction in years. I would really appreciate as much feed back as possible.
ReplyDeleteSurprisingly good, really; the parents were all given distinct personalities that meshed well together, and the ponies from the show were all handled in-character. The author could use a proofreader, as there were a few missing words and some verb tense problems, but overall the writing was pretty good. Worth a read.
ReplyDeleteAs the story stands right now, I'd give it a 3/5. The story is interesting, and well-written OCs are few in number, but there are a few grammatical errors, misspells, and verb-tense confusions.
ReplyDeleteI'll comb through it if you'd like.
@Maskerade
ReplyDeleteThat would be awesome of you.
Nice. I liked the ideas, the canon characters felt authentic and the original characters believable, and the author has a knack for writing dialogue, but as others have already observed it's in dire need of an editor. "Said-bookism" is a pet peeve of mine, and this has it in spades. Still, it was an entertaining read.
ReplyDeleteI'm finding it hard to say something bad about this fic.
ReplyDeleteUh... how about... the comedic dialogue between the parents seemed a little forced sometimes I guess?
Now onto the good stuff.
Snips and Snails were very in character, and very likable (as much as the show wants us to hate them, this is a miracle).
Ending with the letter was a very nice touch and even gave the fic an 'episode' vibe. If this showed up on the show, nothing would seem out of the ordinary (with the exception of a few adult jokes).
This is all backed up by good writing and a nice (simple <- a good thing) plot.
Excellent work, and I look forward to more from you.
@Starwind Dood
ReplyDeleteIf possible, could you email the Word Doc to me? You don't have to, but either way, I'll need your email adress.
(Mine is 'jcjoshuacallison@gmail.com')
Cottonmouth not being able to say anything bad about a fanfic? That must means that this fanfic is really really good. I'll read it after I eat breakfast. :D
ReplyDelete@Maskerade
ReplyDeleteI'm alejandro.starwind@gmail.com
I'm sending you the doc now. Again, thanks.
I enjoyed this little story a lot: the OC parent ponies were realistic, and our less-than-special heroes may be total lugnuts but you can't help but root for them....And thanks to this story when Snips & Snails actually DO become great and powerful magicians, we all know it won't be because they won the golden ticket in the genetic lottery, it'll be because they both worked hard to get that way!
ReplyDeleteOne teensy little thing. Every time you use "exorcise", you should be using "exercise". It's an extremely distracting typo because it's a completely different meaning.
ReplyDelete@Freeze Frame
ReplyDeleteThank you
A GOOD READ
ReplyDeleteYES, A SNIPS AND SNAILS FANFIC
ReplyDeleteWe don't get many fanfics with Snips and Snails and this one somehow makes me actually like them too. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteAnybrony know what happens to a Word Document that you downloaded from Google Docs? I had the whole damn thing edited, saved, and then the file dissapeared...
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't deserve it thanks to the spelling, grammar and literary tense issues, but I still give it five stars, just because I enjoyed it so much. The characters are well written and I loved the parent OC's.
ReplyDeleteLotsa grammar errors. Also, I feel that Twilight thinking that "They’re the dumbest kids in Cheerilee’s class" was a bit out of character. All the hate for Snips/Snails was a bit off-putting.
ReplyDeleteYou're good at making up names(much better than I am)
Barbara seemed to switch positions on sending Snips between paragraphs
You did Pinkie's dialogue well
The story overall was good, but it dragged in a few parts
3/5, I suppose. If I could, I would give it a 3.5
You know what, this is a great story with a simple plot, and it was well told in keeping the parents from being only there for the ride. They seem like they were going to be the first obstacle and then disappear, but they were there to support their children through the story. I am only put out the parents couldn't do anything for their children. It makes you feel helpless when all you can do is watch as your child fails and you help pick up the pieces, but these are life lessons. I give this a four star, because despite the grammatical errors the characters were distinct, the story was simple but carried a nice pan out, the dialogue was consistent and the ending was great. Twilight did learn something about friendship, even though she could be considered the main protagonist of the story.
ReplyDeleteGrammar can be fixed as the rush and excitement of putting this out causes a great oversight in editing.
Lots of Love
I'm going to be honest, I nearly quit reading after the first two sentences.
ReplyDelete>“For the last time no,” Twilight yelled. All day long Snips and Snails have been bugging her to teach them magic.
Beginning with a tense slip and subpar punctuation in the quote (although it could be handled multiple ways, the best would probably be, "For the last time, no!") is not a good way to draw in readers, and probably goes a long way towards explaining why your story is hovering around 4 stars--which, given how lenient EqD graders are, reads like a screaming indictment.
I see that someone else in the comments has already offered to help you with the spelling/grammar problems which plague this story, so I won't harp on them any further. I just want you to understand how quickly this sort of thing can turn readers off. I did decide to continue reading, and was rewarded with a remarkably enjoyable story that treated a pair of comic relief characters with dignity and respect while never forcing them out of character, one which juggled nearly half a dozen OCs without any of them ever feeling out of place in the FiM universe, and which maintained the show's aesthetic (well, aside from some hinted-at adult situations re. Snips' mom) while focusing almost entirely on secondary characters. If this piece was better edited, it would have been a 5-star story, easy.
This was an excellent piece, especially considering it's your first ponyfic. I hope you will continue writing. But please, in the future spend a little more time on the mechanics before submitting. I hate to see a worthy story being ignored because of entirely preventable technical mistakes.
I kinda like your version of Snips and Snails, and their parents as well. I am not to fond of "dumb Snails", you seem to be kinda hovering on the edge there when it comes to that. Indeed, several instances where words are just missing, some other grammatical and tense issues. Might want to doublecheck before submitting next time.
ReplyDeleteOverall, enjoyable story, keep at it. I'm sure I'll be reading whatever you come up with next, providing you don't use any of the tags I avoid.