• Four Reasons Why The Apple Family Secretly Controls Equestria

    You’re far too intelligent and trusting to believe in things like the Illuminati, aren’t you? A secret group of individuals- or perhaps a single person posing as a group- controlling everything you know behind the scenes, twisting reality to suit their equally twisted needs. Chemtrails, weather balloons, and swamp gas. If your best friend came to you with these kinds of accusations about something, you’d likely comment on their newfound appreciation for aluminum-based headgear. The world just doesn’t work that way. You’re sure of it! It would be far too distressing to consider otherwise.

    Well, get ready to be distressed, because some worlds work out a little more conveniently for some ponies than others- ponies with a bent for power and the will to seize it. Ponies that you would never suspect would do things like...

    1) Convincing Princess Celestia to Let Them Build a Market-Cornering Apple Farm

    Little is known about the state of the economy when the Apple Family first trotted their way into Equestrian borders. We can assume it was a somewhat thriving one, given the fact that Celestia can afford to construct a ridiculously enormous mountainside castle fortress and accompanying city. Maybe it was just the alicorns’ favorite ponies that got favorable treatment in this pre-Ponyville Equestria. As a matter of fact, as one delves deeper into the undeniable logic surrounding this early stage, one sees that this can in fact be the only conclusion one can draw. Given what we know about the founding of Equestria (which only one pony - Rarity - still remembers) we can only assume that Celestia and Luna had shown up at some point and taken control of the entire region with their freakishly elongated extra limbs and sparkling manes, enslaving the rest of the population.


    This situation is what makes the founding of Sweet Apple Acres such a monumental achievement in Equestria’s history. If the alicorns had the capability to sustain a thriving economy and keep their giant mountain bastille up and running, they would have absolutely no reason to allow the Apple Family to plant a competing crop in their borders without controlling it. Given the fact that, currently, Sweet Apple Acres is independently operated we can assume only one thing: mind control.

    Seeing an opportunity to inject their influence at the highest levels of the alicorn dictatorship, the Apple family used their supernatural abilities on that fateful day to subconsciously convince the god princesses to allow them to settle near the edge of the Everfree forest. We’ll get back to the mind control aspects in a moment, but for the time being, it was there that they were able to establish and sustain the next phase of their plan...

    2) Their Cider Products Draw Crowds of Thousands

    It’s no secret that ponies like apples. Since we can assume they haven’t discovered the magic of bacon cheeseburgers since both of the animals required to make them still exist- and can talk- apples play a large part in pony diets. Some like them so much that they even have apples on their flanks, which makes for both convenient nicknames and obviates the need for name tags when out in public. Conveniently, the answer to both of those jokes is ‘apple butt’.

    Consequently, it is very rare to not see apples sold in Equestrian public markets- specifically, apples from the Apple family’s farm. This is likely due to the sheer size of the Sweet Apple Acre farmland, seen on many occasions as being slightly smaller than the moon. Aside from being widely available as a food source, their apples are used to concoct the Apples’ famous and widely coveted cider, which is so popular in Ponyville that lines of ponies gather for miles just to buy a mug or two of the beverage. If any other workforce in the world were so eager to get drunk before five o’clock, they might still think that two individuals being responsible for celestial objects is a great idea.


    Assuming that Ponyville is in fact not made up of a legion of alcoholics, we can draw the conclusion that the Apple family also controls at least a major supply of alcohol in Equestria, or at least Ponyville. History has taught us that a steady supply of recreational alcohol is absolutely critical to the success of a society (at least dwarven ones), and the Apple family has their hooves on the taps.

    Even when a promising pair of businessmen with a machine that promised to automate the cider creation process came into town, the Apple family’s hold on the market could not be shaken due to their underhanded contest diversion and promises of cider to their borrowed labor. They know what they’re doing, and that becomes even more obvious when you consider...

    3) Zap Apple Jam Has Mind-Control Properties

    We have to rewind a little bit for this one. Of course, the Apple Family didn’t start their slow takeover of Equestrian society with regular apples. One could argue that they couldn’t. The only reason that settlers came to start the town of Ponyville was the Rainbow Dash-colored Zap Apples, discovered accidentally when Granny Smith went to ask the Timberwolves their secret for making bacon cheeseburgers. At least that’s the official story, but I’d be disappointed if you didn’t catch onto the theme by now- all the evidence points to the jam being a deliberate act.

    There's a lot going on here that I don't think anyone wants to talk about.

    Perhaps regular apples were too costly or too difficult to enchant. Perhaps there were side effects. Perhaps they couldn’t get them ready fast enough. Regardless of the reasons, the thing that brought settlers to Ponyville was this mysterious jam. And what, dare I ask, is a better attractor of a crowd (and businessmen) than a jam that looks like Rainbow Dash? Who doesn’t like Rainbow Dash? It was the perfect inception point to spread the Apple family’s influence wide enough to keep ponies coming back for their other apple products. It was enough to create the massive apple market that they needed and to keep the suspicions low by making the jam a seasonal item. Best of all, no one ever suspected a thing. As long as it made some ponies rich and other ponies fed, no one cared; the Apple family had seized control without firing a shot. We cannot guess as to their ultimate motivations for doing so, but we do know that...

    4) Applejack is Their Endgame

    Being one of the ponies entrusted by the sun goddess herself, not to mention being a holder of an Element of Harmony, entitles Applejack to a wide range of privileges and abilities that are outside the realm of even the most influential of the Apple family. She can waltz right into the Canterlot castle and go about her business and not a single guard is going to give her a wary look. She has used this authority to sell special apple products there, spreading her influence, but I digress.

    It’s Applejack’s Harmony element that bears special attention, however. Common knowledge has it that this element was given to her by Celestia (or Twilight Sparkle, however you want to look at it) and that she earned it for being a true pillar of honesty. What most would never suspect is the horrifying truth- that this situation is actually far more twisted than it first appears. Applejack wasn’t given her element because she is honest; she was given it because everything she says is true. Her very words are honesty, because as she speaks them, they become the very fabric of reality.

    Han shot first.

    Applejack is the result of many generations of the Apple family, and she was bred for one purpose- to help them seize control of an empire when the time was right. The original founders of Sweet Apple Acres had this reality-warping ability, as we’ve discussed, but Applejack is in a league of her own. Discord was the only one to see this happening, and tried his best to reverse it by negating Applejack’s powers. He was, as we know, unfortunately stopped.

    What I’m saying is maybe it’s a good thing Twilight got to be the alicorn.

    Cereal Velocity has a Twitter. You can follow him @CerealVelocity