• Story: Not-Cupcakes


    Author: Walter44
    Description: One thing a good story needs, is a likeable and strong hero. If the hero gets too strong, however, things might get a little out of hand. Ponies are hurt, insults are thrown, Fourth Walls are broken. Nothing is certain, except for one thing: This is NOT "Cupcakes"!


    Additional Tags:
    completely random and very different


    1. A random story that mentions Cupcakes in the description... I'm reading it.

    2. I like the 'Not "CUPCAKES"' part. More likely to read now.

    3. 1.Write story
      2.Add Ponies
      3.Add Cupcakes Reference

    4. Yes, I know, it says it's not Cupcakes; regardless, it mentioned it, so I'm reading it.

    5. Somepony ponify this to see my reaction (warning: includes a swear): http://www.nastyhobbit.org/data/media/13/what-am-i-reading.png

    6. I am curious. Going to read this.

    7. It's worth mentioning that this isn't a completely original idea. Not gonna be mean, but it's been attempted a lot.

      There's a reason why it hasn't made it into mainstream publishing though (at least not as far as I am aware). It's very very awkward to read.

      I give you points for experimentation. It's always fun to try and come up with something new or to try something in a new way, but this particular twist added to a story usually ends up just being a little too awkward to fully get any real feedback out of other than being mildly amused at just how weird what you're reading is. And while you definitely have a grasp on grammar and language and all the basics, this story really isn't much of an exception.

      About the only thing that has ever really worked in this manner is Deadpool, and he works because his awareness of the fourth wall, while showing up every now and then, is not constantly preached and harped on. His humor comes from numerous sources and the fourth wall bits are only occasional. Furthermore, if he has any ability to "rebel" against the author, it doesn't seem like he really cares. But he doesn't have long back-and-forths with the author/narrator, nor does he rebel against the storytelling.

      Basically, the reason that something like Deadpool works is because he's insane and completely unpredictable and an awareness of the fourth wall could easily be seen as just a freaky coincidence of his insanity within storytelling. But trying to have just a regular snarky, sarcastic character that's otherwise normal have long conversations with the narrator just really doesn't transcend amusing awkwardness very often.

      Like I said, points for effort, nice experiment, and good language and writing, but the story is quite literally working against you here.


      If you're not a big fan of Freakazoid and the Animaniacs, then you are not going to like this fan fic.

      Other than that, I found it enjoyable. A good 3.5/4 star comedy.

    9. ^Well it did work for one OTHER character quite similar to Deadpool...

      Also Duck Amuck is pure genius and quite possibly the greatest cartoon short ever made, and it is nothing more than long back and forths with the narrator and rebelling against the storytelling.
      Not to say anything about this particular story, but it's not unique to Deadpool either.

    10. OK... just read this story. Hardly fit for a story, really, but it adds something very... different. It's funny, and one of the people chatting has introduced me to the cartoon 'freakazoid'.
      So, wow, this is weird.

    11. Hahaha that was hilarious, first fanfiction I've ever gotten around to reading too :D

    12. @Unknown

      This is true... Actually in a way I'm surprised I forgot about that.

      The thing is, there's still a difference. First of all, that's a visual medium which helps expedite reaction and observation of events. We don't have a narrator that pulls double duty as a character and one who describes the events.

      I think the big issue mostly comes down to "holding conversations with the narrator." If the narrator had remained silent and had had complete power over the OC, with the OC being forced to go along with it and just being reluctant and snarky and moody, then this might have been really good. Similar to Duck Amok.

      Also, people have compared it to Freakazoid. This seems close to what's going on as well, but I think the issue there comes from the fact that Freakazoid was, like Deadpool, usually willing to go along with the situations being posed to him and rebelling against the creators and narrators only popped up as quick jokes every now and then. It wasn't made the basis of the whole story.

      Mostly what's working against the story here is the medium, the long conversations with a narrator pulling double duty, and the fourth wall being the ONLY aspect of the story.

      I'm not begrudging this for being made or saying its terrible or anything, btw. It was actually amusing. I'm also not saying that he didn't do a good job for what he was trying. I'm just saying that it was an experiment that didn't quite work.

    13. Hey, what happened to the thread about the recent pony ban on 4chan?

      Did the admins remove it?

    14. This story is hillarious, it's like Duck Amuck in fan-fiction form, and with ponies!

      @Arothyss Yes they removed the thread, apparently, it was starting to attract trolls and start flame wars

    15. Hey, here's the author of this little piece of insanity! Thanks for all the positive feedback so far!

      and @Dusty the Royal Janitor: Don't get me wrong, but I don't think you understand what my point with this story is. I know that this idea isn't new. I also know that this won't revolutionize the way stories about colorful magic equines are written. I didn't want to do anything special or outstanding when I wrote this. I just had an idea and ran with it. I wrote it in German (my mother tongue) and posted it in some German MLP-Boards, where I got very positive feedback. So I thought: "Heck, if they like, maybe other Bronies like it too!" So I sent it here. This story is not meant to be anymore than dumb fun. No "experiment", no try to emulate Deadpool, Freakazoid or Duck Amuck (of which I didn't even heard before), heck, not even a real story! I just write it, have fun with it and hope that the readers also have fun with it. If all they do is "being mildly amused at just how weird what they're reading", I actually feel like I accomplished my mission.
      Also, I don't think the FOurth Wall breaking is everything this has going for it. It's a big part, yes, and the foundation of the "narrative" (not that a real narrative exists) but I don't think I would be called "legitimately insane" (as one of the pre readers worded it) if the story was just chit-chat between Walter and the narrator.

      I don't want to attack you and I also didn't interpret your post as an attack against me or something. I just wanted to make clear that this is just dumb fun. Will never be more, was never meant to be. I have accomplished my goal in seeing people react with saying "that was funny".

      Hope that's sorted out now. Thanks again to all for the feedback!

    16. @Tuuc

    17. Break the 4th wall. How many timed do ponies break it

    18. Maybe it's been done before, as someone else pointed out, but this was still one of the funniest things I've read in a long time. I needed a break to catch my breath after Walter punched Ditzy.

    19. I wanted to comment on the lines of "that was kinda funny but you could make it epic by blah blah..." but then I saw the author's comment.

      Well, if you're content with that, fair enough. You clearly succeded in your objective ;)
      But yeah, if ever you want to do something similar but pull it to the next level, make sure your character is not systematically against the story. It pretty much blocks any narrative and the joke quickly gets old.

    20. Wtf did I just read? That was funny. xD

    21. @Tuuc

      Something like this?


    22. @G3stalt Interesting: I loved Animaniacs, and I wasn't able to get half-way through this.

    23. Funny.

      I really like the part where the narrator is talking about his family. It reminds me of a story I wrote in 8th grade

    24. This makes me think of "Rocky and Bullwinkle" for some reason, but with less puns.

    25. @Rayman44

      Well then, mission accomplished. I was definitely amused.

    26. I heartily enjoy the description of Sethisto and the Pre-Readers. Almost spot on.


    27. One quick thing about "Walter being systematically against the story": That's also something I wouldn't quite agree on. Walter is a troll, if you will. Yes, he rebels against the narrator. But just because he has fun with it. But the thing is that he doesn't have any control over the narrative itself. The narrator is still practically omnipotent. He has absolute control over the world and all characters except for Walter (and later Francois). You can see this when he says "And then walter woke up and it was just a dream" and Walter actually wakes up. The narrator is just a little...desperate, because he knows that, whatever he says, Walter will find a way to sabotage it.
      I don't know how many of you play RPGs and will understand the analogy, but it's practically like the narrator was the DM who wants to continue the story and Walter is the a-hole player who only plays to ruin the campaign because he has fun with it. But he's still a player and wants something to do, which is also apparent when he begs for the narrator to send him some more ponies to interact with. Okay, it ends in one pony being punched, one terrified and the third one seeing her home being burnt down, but he still had something to do.
      There will always be parts where the narraotr will "get even" and uses his powers to bully Walter and these passages will also provoke rebellious reactions from Walter. That's what the story's about, basically. I already said: I just sit there and write down what I can think of. and most of the time it's just a fight between me and myself.

    28. "Pinkie Pie disappeared. Just like that." Why did that make me laugh so hard?