• Story: Death Note: Equestria (Update Part 34!)

    [Grimdark] [Crossover]

    (Comments contain spoilers)

    Author: Nine
    Description: Equestria is growing, and magical savant Twilight Sparkle is disgusted by the crime and corruption this change has brought. Her life is changed forever when she discovers the Death Note, a notebook with inexplicable and deadly powers. She uses this book to pass judgement on those she deems unworthy of life, aiming to create a perfect world free of crime. But when the two Princesses put their best pony on the case, a mysterious detective known only as “L”, a psychological game of cat and mouse erupts between the two.
    Death Note: Equestria  (New Part 34!) 

    Additional Tags: Death Note, Kira, L, mystery


    1. Oh god. I remember my Death Note fandom... Oh this is gonna be tough.

    2. ...I was supposed to study for my exam, but I guess that won't be happening now... *sigh*

    3. Death Note
      => Dear Princess Celestia

    4. Jesus. I watched the entire series for the first time this weekend, and then THIS pops up? Lets hope TwiLIGHT (See what I did there?) doesn't suffer the same fate as Mr Yagami.

    5. I have no doubt she will, but with how the series just went south after a while, I don't see this as going north.
      In fact, unless it's ponies put into the world of DN, I see Twilight writing everypony down for so much as dropping a crumb in the town square.

    6. Man, Death Note was what got me into anime, and I am a SUPER weeaboo.

      This had better be good.

    7. Twilight's doesn't really fit the personality of Kira, but WHATEVER.

    8. After reading Chapter 1, I already like Kira!Twilight more than Light, for the simple fact that she starts out with a very sympathetic motive: to avenge her friend and protect the innocent. Oh, I have no doubt that she's eventually going to suffer Motive Decay, but at least she started her serial killer career out of despair and not simple boredom.

    9. oh god, this sounds amazing. The picture just made me laugh so hard.

    10. I'd rather it was an OC that was Kira, and Twilight was appointed to find them.

      But still.

    11. Okay, having read the first chapter I think its safe to say that this is a REALLY good idea. Brilliantly executed too, so much better than I thought it was going to be. On to chapter 2....

    12. You know, it almost appalls me when an objectively bad fanfiction is praised and lauded by tons of people simply by nature of being a crossover with something people are already a fan of.

    13. @Pants-on-Head Man

      Except it's not bad, so your argument is invalid.

    14. This comment has been removed by the author.

    15. I only know how Death Note started and ended so I'm not sure if I'll read this..

    16. @Pants-on-Head Man

      What then is so objectively bad about it? I think the writing's on-par with what some of the most lauded pony fiction out there, the characterisations work, and for what it is - one of the darkest and bleakest animé series around crossed with MLP, for crying out loud - I struggle to see how it could be improved. But, you know, I'm sure you're probably more correct than me.

    17. @Spikely Whiplash

      Except my argument is made once again valid when I point out that this writing for Twilight is perhaps some of the most out of character crap that I have ever seen.

      I refuse to believe that even in the face of a trauma like this, a moral paragon of friendship, something Twilight is required to be to end up becoming the element of Magic, would start doing things like this.

      Twilight is a better character than this. She's strong, loyal, and moral. Even if a friend died so horribly she would not become a serial killer because of it. I could never in a million years see that happening.

      Becoming a vigilante like Batmane, as was pointed out in the story? Yeah that I could maybe see. But Kira? No.

      Also, saying that Kira is at all like Batman is grounds for a swift kick to the balls. I have never heard a more utterly WRONG comparison.

    18. @Ludo

      See my reply to Spikely Whiplash

      This writing for Twilight is seriously out of character no matter WHAT has happened to her.

    19. Twilight=Kira?

      ...Not seeing it. Oh sure, they're both smart, but that's hardly enough justification. If Twilight were to go mad with power, she'd take the Phoenix route, not Kira.

    20. @Pants-on-Head Man

      You're judging the quality of this fan-fic entirely on the criterion of how in-character everypony is? Well that explains why you hate it. You're not seeing the forest for the trees. This is quite obviously meant to be an affectionate parody of Death Note, mixed with the lighthearted and comedic atmosphere of MLP. And it does an excellent job at blending together what should logically be two wholly incompatible narratives. In all respects outside of Twilight's character's consistency to her canon counterpart, this is an excellent story. The writing is great, the establishment of the MLP-verse and the characters is great, and the atmosphere is comedically dark. It deserves nothing less than 5 stars.

    21. Yeah, right! As if Twilight could EVER do something as evil as genoci-HNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNG!


    22. What intrigues me is that she has no idea who L might be; for all we know, the last thing she'll hear is someone with wonky eyes calling her just another mundane serial killer.

    23. @Spikely Whiplash

      If that's what it's meant to be then I sure can't find exactly what qualifies it as a parody. You know, since there really isn't much of anything funny about it.

      Let's face it: However well it may be written from an academic standpoint, Twilight is obviously the main character here and she's so very OOC that pretty much the whole story we're stuck having to read her OOC bullshit. The "mixing of the lighthearted and comedic tones of MLP with the dark, brooding tones of Death Note" comes across as forced at best. Things shift from silly fun to brooding tragedy and serial killing so fast that you get whiplash. The mood and tone are so confused that it's impossible to tell what you're supposed to be feeling for characters at any given moment. Angry? Symapthetic? Laughing? It's bipolar in delivery and Out of Character in content.

      This is NOT a good fanfiction.

    24. Light was OOC when he became Kira if you really want to be anal about it. You know, there's a whole chunk of the anime devoted to him thinking about whether or not someone as intelligent, moral, and good as him could do such things. Absolute power corrupts absolutely deal. That was the whole point of Death Note.

      Obviously Twilight would never kill anyone, but that's because she is a colorful pony who goes on adventures with her friends to learn about friendship. In the crossover though, it makes sense.

      By your logic, ALL fanfiction is OOC, because no one writes fan fiction about the Mane 6 having adventures like you'd see on TV. They're always a bit out there. No one just straight up writes an episode of MLP.

    25. I fail to see how believing in justice and acting according to those beliefs makes Twilight somehow immoral.

      Except perhaps in the sense that she's become a vigilante, much like Batman. In a way she's actually better than Batman, because she doesn't let some petty ideal like 'not becoming a serial killer' stand in the way of acting out her beliefs. And no, that wasn't sarcasm.

      I can totally see the Twilight Sparkle from in the show acting this way. She's logical to a fault, and although she may have a strong sense of duty, she would definitely kill bad ponies to save good ones.

      Also, very interesting take on Celestia. It's unusual to see her letting her emotions get in the way of doing the right thing, but I can see this working somehow. I think she really does believe that every pony can be and deserves to be forgiven, so the death penalty wouldn't sit right with her at all.

    26. Sup guys, author here. I normally prefer to let my writing speak for itself, but I do so hate to see people argue.

      Yes, I fully admit this is not quite the Equestria we've all grown to know and love. While I've done my best to stay in keeping with the spirit of the originals, ponies and places have suffered occasional changes along the way. The reason behind this is simple: Death Note and My Little Pony are about as fundamentally different as two stories can get. Merging them has been a fun experiment for me, but I doubt there's a way I could have pulled it off flawlessly. The plot alone has seen some major alterations; after all, a straight copy of Death Note makes no sense in a world without phones, the internet, subways, potato chips... Crystal-based "television" is my only concession to the technology of the human realm.

      Neigh-sayers, I think you for your concern. I agree, the differences in character and tone are sometimes jarring. It all comes together in my head, so I often forget that discord can put people off a story. In future, I will try to blend the story elements into a more consistent mix. I'm not apologising for making Twilight into Kira, though. In my mind she's the only pony who could have filled the role. A little out of character, depending on your interpretation, but without her this story could not exist at all. (In my mind there's also only one pony who could be L; I'm interested to see if you can figure out who.)

      Supporters, thank you for your kind words. For you, I'll keep going.

      I love that you're all reading so much into this. Please, continue, discuss, expand, suggest improvements. But don't take differences of opinion out on each other. That's not what bronies are about. Friends?

    27. @wodashin724

      To be completely honest, I have never seen Death Note, so I wouldn't know that. If you're tring to say that Light was exactly like Twilight in every way, however, I find it hard to believe. From what I've heard through the grapevine, Light had always been cynical and suffered from a bad attitude... if what I've been told is correct. That's a completely different starting point, not to mention that they live in completely different worlds and cultures and are taught to value different things in life. Twilight would not end up like Light.

      If the lesson is to tell that Absolute power corrupts then the story already falls flat because that would go against pretty much everything Celestia, a prominent character in this very story, happens to be. If Absolute Power corrupts absolutely is the point, then why isn't this a Tyrant Celestia fic?

      I also stand by my assertion that the shifts in tone and absolute bipolar delivery of the story is jarring as hell, though. This story certainly isn't "totally deserving of five stars" as Spikely Whiplash put it.

      Deserving of one. Period.

      And I don't believe I ever said anything of the sort. The entire point of Fanfiction to me is to put the characters in new situations and see how they deal with them. But there are believable limits to how a character will react to something. Once you go beyond that point, it becomes out of character. Twilight becoming a nigh-genocidal maniac is most assuredly out of character under any circumstances.

    28. "In my mind there's also only one pony who could be L; I'm interested to see if you can figure out who."

      Calling it...

      it's Dr. Hooves.

      Celestia used the word 'doctor,' and L's comments about giving Colgate two heads can only come from him.

    29. @Stephen Cawking


      That statement about Batman... I'm not sure I've heard anything so wrong. like... in every sense of the word. It's a "petty ideal" to not want to become a killer?! Not wanting to kill someone gets in the way of trying to bring good to the world?! Are you even LISTENING to yourself?! Good God I hope I never meet you on the street. You'll probably shiv me.

      Twilight is logical to a fault only in an academic sense. When she's dealing with other ponies it is in her character to want to do nothing more than please other ponies... also to a fault. She values nothing more than the power of friendship, and lemme tell ya, this is the sort of action that would undoubtedly make her friends and mentor turn on her. Rarity is already disgusted and Pinkie Pie isn't sure, but even Applejack, who I also feel to be out of character when she supports these actions as they are certainly not "honest," would probably not want to associate with Twilight once she found out that she's the one behind it.

    30. I don't plan on reading it, but it reminds me of a skit in "Ponies the anthology" on youtube.
      Light Yagami saying 'I already have everything that I want'
      *goes in his room, sits at desk, opens drawer, take out a small black notebook, huge grin*
      'Dear Princess Celestia...'

    31. @Gayettix

      "Dear Princess Celestia,

      You will be crushed to death by a falling pillar in your palace in exactly five seconds after you finish reading this letter.

      Your Faithful Student,

      Twilight Sparkle"

      Twilight: OK, Spike, send this letter to Celestia, please!


      *Twilight dies of heart attack*

    32. @Pants-on-Head Man

      Okay, well, Death Note spoilers then. Anyone who doesn't want to find out about important stuff in Death Note, don't read.


      There comes a point in the anime where Light uses the rules of the Death Note in order to forget everything. This is all part of his crazy master plan. He returns to state the he would've been in if he had never found the Death Note. This Light is determined, moral, kind-hearted, and pretty much an exemplary human being. Since he's forgotten, he has no knowledge that he is Kira. He is suspected by L to be Kira, and as he thinks about it he wonders how he could possibly become Kira, and take lives away, because he knows that it is wrong (but obviously he does kill people). The point was how the Death Note corrupts. Therefore, Twilight really isn't OOC if you take the anime it's based upon into consideration.


      I really would dislike it if the Doctor were L. Too many fan fics have Dr. Whooves in them. I know he's cool and all, but seriously. I've read Fringe crossovers with Dr. Whooves, random shipping fics where he appears, etc. Please, please no. It's just jarring. It takes you out of the world so badly. Sure, no one knows the Doctor's name, but still.

      Personally, I'd think it would be funny if Trixie were L. Childish and hates to lose, not really named Trixie. Stretch, but idk, I like Trixie. Truthfully, I'd see L has probably having to be an OC, but still.

      Also, I'm calling on L revealing herself to Twilight, with the name Sapphire Shores. The same name as the famous celebrity! If she writes her name in the notebook, she might kill the real Sapphire Shores! It'd be hilarious, and fitting. That's just me though.

      Really enjoying the fanfic. I'm just upset that there isn't more of it.

    33. @Nine

      You know, I don't blame this fic for being made. I don't blame you for writing it. In fact, that is an interesting experiment, trying to combine two completely polar opposites and see what you can make of it. I applaud you for trying that actually. It's actually something that sounds like it took a lot of effort.

      ...Frankly I don't think it WORKED, but what I'm more upset at is how it seems that most people are either drooling over the story without actually thinking or just because they're fans of the show. Which is not enough reason to immediately give something five stars.

      Honestly, from an academic point of view your writing is pretty damn good, but it's just so unbelievable from a character standpoint that frankly I have to argue that the story ultimately falls flat.

      Personally I think you COULD have crossed it over perfectly, though, if you had done what another commenter already suggested: Make Twilight L and have an OC pony be Kira. Follow Twilight trying to catch Kira. And rather than have her position on whether it's okay to kill criminals so pronounced from the start, take us on a philosophical journey as the story goes on and Twilight is faced with Kira's actions. Make her wonder who is right. Make her wonder if Kira is ultimately beneficial or if she really is doing the right thing. Make the character think. Make us think. That would have been so much better, so much more in character, and so much more thought provoking from the very beginning.

      What's published is published, though.

    34. @wodashin724

      ...are you saying that the Death Note itself is like some sort of evil, possessing entity that corrupts its owner? Like the one ring of power from Lord of the Rings?

      ...If that's the case then the story is spot on and I apologize. If Twilight is being made evil by an outside, corrupting entity then I have no argument.

      However, if the argument is that an abstract concept such as power will ultimately corrupt without fail then I will continue to stand by my previous comments. Power can corrupt, but it doesn't have to. It only happens if you let it.

    35. 3 and a Half stars?! Why?!?! This should be a 6 stars story.
      Its well written and even if twilight is OOC, I don't care, This is FANFICTION, where everything is possible. Its the best fic I,ve read in a while.
      Plz. continue.

    36. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
      I still would have prefered Twi as L.

    37. @MoreX25

      Why must people keep saying things to make me perpetually argue with them? I must sound like Charlton Heston at the end of Soylent Green when all he could do was madly cry how Soylent Green was people, and everybody looks at me like I've lost my marbles.

      Ignoring simply the status of this particular story, to say that "It's Fanfiction" is a horrible reason to excuse something and give it five stars right out. Simply being fanfiction and that anything can happen does not excuse bad writing, and I'm not even necessarily talking about this story here. I'm talking about ALL fanfiction. No matter what you do, you should try to write the absolute best thing you can. Simply the nature that something is fanfiction does not make it acceptable to make something lousy.

      Fanfiction has a purpose. It is perhaps one of the most accessible ways to get decent writing practice, especially when you're trying to learn how to write characters and tough situations. To not give it the best of your ability simply because it is fanfiction is horribly ignorant.

    38. Why do I keep reading more and more GrimDark. Ugh... Christ.

      It was good. Writing was decent and it flowed well. You might want to space it out better, though, give a line between each paragraph so it's easier to read.

      Never really been much of a Deathnote fan. Watched a fair bit of the anime and read several of the manga, and it was alright.

      Story's pretty solid, although the way Twilight kinda says "Screw it, might as well start killing ponies" all to Sharp Star's dick reaction is a bit far fetched. You'd think she hold life in a most valuable way, especially when she has the power to extinguish it.

      And, especially for the lesser crimes, like robbery. Ugh, that just made me wince. She switched from a timid bystander into a vigilante within a day.

      This transformation seems a bit rushed, but its something you can overlook.

      Decent story, worth your time. Probably moreso if you're a fan. I'd give it a 3-3.5/5.

    39. @Pants-on-Head Man Wow, your name is really apt.

      Look, in Death Note, Light was the son of a GODDAMN POLICE OFFICER, and when he loses his memory of the Death Note as part of one of his gambits, his character is COMPLETELY different, and is just as moral as L for that duration. The Death Note's power is the ULTIMATE temptation- to be able to decide who lives and who dies is to wield the power of GOD.

      ANYONE can and would go mad with power when given a Death Note, ESPECIALLY those who crave justice. That's the POINT.

      And you say that's OOC for Twilight to NOT have a sensible reaction to the Death Note after feeling wronged by Celestia's criminal justice system? O_o

    40. @Pants-on-Head Man
      But I had fun Reading it. I'm not an Obssesed DN fan that reads everything even the worst crap, I have standarts too.
      Fanfiction is about having fun writing and reading it.
      Yes, bad writing turn me off, but With this isn't the case, its is not the best, but is not bad either.
      And if the OOC bothers you, why not make your own DN/MLP Xover.I would love to read it and see the twist and turn you can deliver.

    41. @Pants-on-Head Man

      Brony, turn down the anger a bit~

      I think there's a lot of sense in what you're saying, I agree that it's probably OOC for Twi to be Kira, but so what?
      A few people are saying it's great and should be 5 stars, that's their opinion.

      If you don't like it, for whatever reason, then so be it. But how can you get angry at other folks for liking it (for whatever reasons)? Have you forgotten what fanbase you're in?

    42. And oh look, now we're getting into a discussion about whether or not she actually is OOC.

      Well I can say for certain that we'll never get to a definite answer. It's completely subjective.

      I'm gonna read this thing now! :D

    43. @Pants-on-Head Man

      If you haven't watched or read Death Note, I really have zero idea how you think you can possibly judge the fan fiction on whether Twilight is OOC or not. Truly, Twilight and Light, pre-Death Note, are extremely similar in base personality. Light is corrupted by power. He starts out like Twilight. Oh, I'll just see if this works. WAT IT WERKS? TIME TO BECOME GOD, BRB. His transformation from timid killer to "I'll kill my own family if I have to" is a little too quick in the series, but still. Once he forgets, this shows Light as he would've been WITHOUT THE DEATH NOTE. Perfect, good, Gandhi-like.

      Secondly, you wanting Twilight to be L shows once again that you really need to learn more about the series. Firstly, Twilight cannot be L because people know her face and name. It'd be stupid to have an L so easily killed. Secondly, Twilight is not the 'mad-genius' type. She isn't disheveled like L, she's prim and proper like Light.

      The Light connection works really well. She's a great student, the best in Equestria. Light was the best in Japan. Both are hard working, determined, and moralistic. It's just hilariously fitting. The contrast between Death Note and MLP is pretty funny to me. But whatever.

    44. (BTW, calling it right now: Pinkie Pie is L. That bit about the teleportation spell giving you two heads was a dead giveaway.)

    45. I still say that FF is about having fun with the characters, Normal stories are fine and some are excellent but it tends to get boring after awhile.
      Why is Cupcakes so popular?, because it was so OOC (even though the show later confirmed that Pinkie can get creepy)and contrasted a lot with the show.
      wodashin724 made great points defending the story, and I agree with Whitbane that it feels a little rushed. But hey everyone is deserves to have an opinion.

    46. You know what? Forget it.

      Every time I try to make some sort of point among this fandom. Every time I open my goddamned mouth everybody just starts flying off the deep end.

      Jesus Christ. You know what I don't care anymore. You guys wanna five star stuff without thinking things through and never give an author a chance to improve, fine by me. It's obviously not worth making any sort of argument here because nobody is willing to listen without jumping down my goddamned throat with "Noes you're wrong! I read it and had fun so it was obviously the bestest thing evers!"

      God... I'm not saying you can't read something and enjoy it. I enjoyed the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen movie for crying out loud. It was a TERRIBLE movie but I had fun. But if I had a chance to tell the filmmakers where they might have been able to improve? You're damn right I would have given it to them!

      So you know what? Go ahead. Keep Five starring peoples' work and saying its the most perfect story you've ever seen. Keep deluding the authors into thinking they don't need to improve. Frankly if this is the sort of crap I get for trying to help, I just won't help anymore.

      Good bye
      Fuck you

    47. I think it would have been nice to see Twilight struggle a little with her decision to kill Caramel, believing that Caramel is L.

      L the detective hasn't actually done anything wrong, so killing him would be extremely amoral. However, letting him live after being given the opportunity to eliminate him would be irrational and stupid.

      Twilight is just like "Ha! Got you!" and tries to Death Note him without a second thought. I haven't watched the series either, so maybe that's just mirroring a scene from the show, but it feels like some potential drama was wasted there.

    48. @Pants-on-Head Man


      Seriously, do the freaking research before you start spouting off hate like that, or else you just sound whiny.

      Twilight Sparkle is not your waifu. You don't get to dictate how others portray her. Deal with it.

    49. @Stephen Cawking No, that's EXACTLY what happened in Death Note. Light's ego goes into supermassive proportions the MOMENT he decides to be justice incarnate.

    50. @Pants-on-Head Man

      You serious? People are just telling you to watch the anime or read the manga before making your decision on it being OOC or not.


    51. Whoa! Damn...
      Looks like Discord's been running through here. Causing chaos beyond the fourth wall, that devious bastard...

      Anyway, about the story... Eh... I guess I'm kinda indifferent about it. I've never read the Death Note manga or watched the anime myself, but I'll admit... I DO find it hard to believe that even in this context Twilight would start killing ponies for any reason.
      ESPECIALLY for lesser crimes like theft. If there was any part of the story that actually got me a little angry it was that.

      Beyond that though, it seems reasonably well written and it does a pretty decent job of world building... though I'm not sure I personally like the world it's building up.

      I guess it's really just not my thing, but it deserves a good 3.5 at least.

    52. @Pants-on-Head Man

      I'm sorry if our comments make you feel bad,I'm really am.
      When I wrote the 6stars comment I was trying to be funny and be supportive to the author so he continued the story.
      This story is not perfect, it has its flaws, but like your example of LoEG, I enjoyed this and usually I don't like to intrude with the author by saying You should do this.. or change that... I like to enjoy the flow and let the author tale the tale and if something bothers me I made my own stories.

      Plz don't be upset, and sorry again.

    53. I wonder What does Nine(author)think about the comments.

    54. I haven't even gotten to read this because of all these comments, and now it's going to be difficult to even try and form my own opinion of it.

      I see one problem in everyone's arguments is they're either biased, or going off of their own opinions of what Twilight would/wouldn't do in this particular situation.

      The problem being is Twilight will never be in this situation, and not everyone is Lauren Faust with the perfect idea of what she would do.

      The way I see it it is both plausible and not. Instead of drawing straight from Death Note we could also compare the film "Law Abiding Citizen" as it is slightly more attune to what I have heard about this story. A very smart person who has never had a reason to be unsatisfied with life is suddenly brought into contact with extreme trauma and may change quite a bit in response. Law abiding citizen's character becomes obsessed with showing the flaws of the law system, Light Yagami becomes obsessed with taking it into his own hands.

      My one thing I would allow for this is if Twilight has gone through a tough experience she may be more cynical or brash than she ought to be when she runs into the Death Note. Light Yagami's 'problem' (Depending on how you view it) is that he is so logistical, that morality doesn't even come into play with his choice, as he is making the 'perfect world' he in particular wants. Twilight may or may not be able to feel so distressed about this that she makes the choice to kill someone for 'justice' and thus starts a domino effect.

      ANOTHER problem everyone has is what they're looking for in reading: Transfer of characters like pants on head, Enjoyment of reading, academic components, or transfer of characters from the Death Note realm. In short, everyone wants something different and this whole argument won't change anyone's opinion. In fact, looking over everything I wrote I feel like an idiot wasting my time even trying to diffuse this argument, as I'm sure someone has something to say about what I have to say.

      This is becoming almost youtube 'cept with fanfic instead of videos. Huh... Fun...

    55. Also I'm the only one who liked the explanation abouth the stratoscreens? I don't know if it was an original idea from the author or not but I liked it, It's better than saying "They always had been there".

    56. @NotAGoodUsername360
      @Pants-on-Head Man

      Wooow, calm down everypony!
      >Looks like Discord's been running through here.
      That's a damn apt way to put it.

      Look, Pants-on-Head Man, I suggest we wait and see what rating the story will actually get. I doubt that one or two comments praising it, saying it should get 6 stars, will automatically actually give it 6 stars. I don't know exactly how it works, but I'm sure it will get a reasonable number.

      You seem so angry, brony. I think I agree with much of what you said, having now read the first chapter.
      But really, there's no reason to get so worked up over it, and even less of a reason to start being rude to others. Love and tolerance, right?


      I think it is indeed kind of a quick transition. I found it quite interesting that the abolishment of the death penalty was what set it all off, it's an interesting (and heavy) issue to handle.

      I think the sudden explanation of the crystalvision might not have been needed. Maybe it should have been shorter, maybe it could just have been mentioned shortly as something that came with the recent expansion of Ponyville.

      The scene were PP plays with puppets was awesome, quite fun.

      And I personally think it's sort of obvious who L is, and there's definitely potential for a really dramatic and shocking scene when it gets revealed.

      What kind of struck me as immersion breaking, was how it seems that Equestria quickly turned into Earth. The mentions of taxation and foreign trade seemed kind of out of place. But I think that is inevitable, when making these crossovers.

      And then, as has been mentioned before, I too would like to see some spacing between paragraphs :p

    57. @EvilDocterMcBob

      Damn, son.

      I take my hat off to you. Good work here :)

    58. @EvilDocterMcBob
      It wasn't a waste of time. I agree with you in all.
      In the internet everyone claim the right of an opinion but never try to hear everyone else's.
      Everyone is biased no one can be completly objective about something.
      Our opinions about what is good or bad, fun or boring, depends on the person. It's what makes us different and special. Like Cutie Marks.

    59. If everypony thinks back to The Elements of Harmony, Twilight was more than willing to become violent towards the manticore when it attacked her friends.

      Seeing as Fluttershy stopped her, as well as the age rating, we don't know how far she would have gone, but she was clearly angered and not about to talk diplomacy to it.

    60. Wow, bronies. Just wow.
      I am disappoint.

    61. @Nine More than anything else, I HATE critics who voice their opinions loudly then shut their ears when anyone disagrees with them. If you're not prepared to defend your opinions, don't voice them.

      Sorry about that. That's my personal berserk button, and I'll call it out as I see fit.

    62. @Nine
      Well I read it and I found it to be rather good. You may want to break up the flashbacks from the present a bit better, I was slightly confused when it changed to her going to canterlot all of a sudden.

      Overall it seemed sound to me and believable.

      (oh, and having Twilight 'win' would be a nice twist. I'm quite sick of them whole "GOOD WILL ALWAYS BEAT EVIL BECAUSE THAT'S HOW THINGS HAVE ALWAYS WORKED" mentality of everything. Just saying.)

    63. Pants-on-Head Man strikes again, I see.

      Either they have a very strict set of standards (such as what constitutes as "Grimdark"), or they're a very successful troll. Whichever way, it's not worth talking to/about them.

      I'll put this story on my watchlist, looks promising.

    64. ...Wow. This argument exploded since this morning. I've seen kinder discussions in the comments section of Nyx fanart on Ponibooru.

    65. If this ends like death note.. I will be unhappy.

      I will be extremely unhappy...

    66. Have only read the first chapter. The timing of the somethingvision (apoligies for not memorizing the word) and the flashbacks could have been better planned, especially with the past.

      Also there really needs to be lots of spacing between events and dialog. Pinkie pie theorizing what applejack and rarity said to each other for instance was a very confusing paragraph because its dislog was hard to follow and that spaces were not present.

      Have found no spelling errors and am good with this fanfic's content. I like to see where this will be going... Provided you fix the formatting. Am not sure if the part 2 will be any easier considering the spacing problem i had with part 1.

      Let's hope the formatting will be polished and that this fanfic will be worth reading...

      Hope this opinion counts...

    67. Hmm. The decision not to double-space everything came from personal preference, on the grounds that it makes the page untidy, but if everyone's having trouble with it I'll look into fixing it.

    68. I am disappoint with all these comments.

    69. Seeing as it's Death Note, Twilight pretty much has to lose in the end. Otherwise the entire moral of the story goes away. Twilight has to pass from being sympathetic to bastard, and at that point she has to lose. The people who defend Light are the ones who fail to see the point behind the anime. Twilight must meet a similar fate. To let her get off the hook somehow defeats the entire 'justice' theme of the series.

      On another note, if you include Dr. Whooves in an important role, especially one as important as L, it's going to be really hard to maintain a good story. I really don't like multi-crossovers. That's just me though. I've seen it kill fan fics before though, and this is one that I'd really like to read to completion.

    70. @Pants-on-Head Man

      Whoa there nelly, settle down. I read through the whole argument, and I didn't see anyone "flying off the deep end" at you. Everyone else seemed to handle themselves with dignity and were able to calmly explain why they disagreed with you without getting personal, with the sole exception of NotAGoodUsername360 in response to your last post, and I can't really blame him after the spectacle you had made of yourself by that point. You know who I did see flying off the deep end? YOU. Why are you taking this disagreement so personally? Nobody attacked you; they just argued, calmly and rationally, why they felt you were wrong.

      I do commend you for your clarification that there is nothing wrong with enjoying the story, but it came far too late; your earlier comments, particularly the first, gave me and probably others a very strong impression that you thought it was a terrible sin to like such an "objectively bad" story at all. I would also commend you for your efforts to provide constructive criticism, but all you really did was repeat over and over that Twilight is completely out of character and then get angry at everyone who disagreed with you. There was really nothing constructive about it.

      The fact that you have never seen or read Death Note puts gaping holes in your entire argument. You are no better suited to judge this story and determine whether or not it's in-character than would be a Death Note fan who had never seen FiM. Granted, I have not seen Death Note either, and so I am not suited to argue against you about the story itself; you may very well be right. But the manner in which you have handled yourself in this debate is wrong. Even if I agreed with all of your points about characterization, I would still disagree with your original argument that the story is "objectively bad". That is simply impossible; art itself, by its very nature, is always subjective. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I feel very strongly about this. Perhaps you don't know what objective really means, but the very fact that so many people here are able to argue against you with reasons why they feel your assessment of the story is incorrect demonstrates that it is NOT objective.

      Your repeated insistence that all opinions contrary to your own are "objectively wrong", and your intense anger in the face of disagreement, show great arrogance. If you cannot swallow your pride, then perhaps it is best that you do leave, but it doesn't have to be this way. Nobody meant you any harm, but in your pride you see any disagreement as an attack. I'm all too familiar with this, having seen it in my family and in myself many times before. I just hope that you are able to calm down, think back on this rationally, and learn from the experience.

    71. Just to clear this up, all references to Whooves are contained within the first four chapters. After that, I'm keeping that infernal time traveller well away from the story. The plot is confusing enough without throwing aliens into the mix.

      I also have no intention of following the plot of Death Note anywhere near exactly. You'll start to notice greater and greater deviations as time goes on. Plus, if you've read Somepony Who Loves You, you know how much regard I give to the lives of my characters. Do not think for a second that anypony is safe while I am at the helm.

      Now, no more hints, no more spoilers, and please don't feed the parasprites.

    72. On a less serious, spammy and sanctimonious note...

      I want to read this story, but as I have not yet seen Death Note I must abstain for now. I just want to mention that the picture of Spike as Ryuk is going to HAUNT MY DREAMS FOREVER, thank you.

    73. Very interesting read. I never got in to Death Note back when it was a thing, but crossing it with Ponies and having it executed in this manner was certainly fun.

    74. Awesome to know that Whooves isn't going to turn this into Dr. Who: My Little Death Note. Very happy about that.

      So, some guesses based on the show and what you've written.

      1. L will be a character we've seen, probably not a background pony, and definitely not anyone too close to the Mane 6 (otherwise Twilight could just kill L). I really am liking the idea of Trixie being L. She's the only pony with a normal, human name, so it makes sense for it to simply be an alias. Plus, L had multiple identities, being the first, second, AND third best detectives in the world all at once. L is a hard one to guess though.

      2. Spike will be Twilight's Soichiro Yagami. This one is already probably obvious to everyone else. Or not, seeing as the fan fic isn't a direct interpretation. I'm still assuming that MAJOR events will still happen one way or another though.

      3. Rainbow Dash is the Matsuda character. I think that'd be funny. Plus, she ain't the most intelligent pony out there.

      4. We haven't seen Fluttershy yet from what I know. I really have no idea how this fits in, just making an observation.

      5. One of the more popular BG ponies will be Misa Misa analogue.

      I am excite.

    75. Death Note?

      Oh. My.

      Hey, shouldn't there be somebody really really upset about this in the comments? "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO POISON THIS BEAUTIFUL SHOW", "DAMN THE GRIMDARK" etc etc? No? Nobody? Huh.

      @Stephen Cawking

      Yeah, either you've never seen Death Note or you're one of those idiots that fell for Light's megalomaniacal bullshit lol.

      And this is coming from someone who really thinks LittlePip should cut herself some slack for the whole Arbu thing.

    76. (sigh)... Oh, no...

      Anyone who saw the series know how this will end... Unless the author intend to pull a clever, and good, twist at the end... but I'm not sure.

      Saw the series. It was relatively fascinating, but the end is somewhat hard to take.

    77. @mycutiemarkisagun
      How nice to see someone being impolite... that is so refreshing. Not really.

      You couldn't say what you said in a more neutral/polite way, because ?

    78. @mycutiemarkisagun

      As I said, I haven't seen the series. However, it's obvious that you haven't read this fic.

      Anyway, from what I've heard, Light has a completely different motivation from Twilight. Twi, so far, is using the Death Note to avenge murders and bring peace to Equestria.

    79. I like this, is not perfect but is fun to read.

      Original Twilight and Original Light, are extremely similar in many ways. There's no better Pony choice, except maybe a Light OC. I can totally see Twi going Kira though, given the right circumstances. The author does a fair job here, even if the change feels a bit fast.

      While watching DN, I always thought L was more awesome than Light, so I was on his side, this time I'm totally on Twilight´s side... gonna be interesting for me, reading DN from a totally new point of view.

      So L, lets see, he is:
      Intelligent to the point of looking insane
      when under preassure, he thinks fast, does fast
      He has this thing with sweet stuff

      Pinkie Pie!? O.O

    80. I like it. there's definitely some jarring differences between this Equestria and the canon one that could have been introduced better, but I think that seeing as they're so necessary, they've been handled rather well.

      Also, without any mind to the shipping, I would LOVE to see Pinkie Pie as Misamisa, just the thought of Pinkamena being all random and killing people at the same time makes me squee.

    81. I want to apologize.
      I flew off the deep end and I shouldn't have done that. I'm really sorry. It was dumb of me.

      As much as I really didn't like the story because I felt Twilight was OOC I shouldn't have brought everybody else down because of it. I still have trouble enjoying the story, but I really don't want to go out on the note that I did.

      The thing is, I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, and the stress of having everybody suddenly commenting against me at once I think triggered an episode. I'm trying to handle it but medication isn't working very well, and oddly enough, one of the things that I've found helps me best is watching Ponies and reading fanfiction for it, so I tend to overreact when I see something in a fanfiction that strikes an upsetting nerve.

      So I just wanted to say that I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't comment on this site again, or at least not under this name.

      So yeah. Sorry.

    82. When I first saw this, I thought Pinkie Pie was going to be L (obsession with sweets, weird habits, hilariously epic eating such as I'LL TAKE THIS POTATO CHIP/APPLE AND EAT IT!)

    83. This story found a good balance re-telling the plot of Death Note using ponies, while raising some interesting new questions exclusive to the MLP universe.
      What IS the remaining lifetime of Celestia?

      This is gonna be interesting.

    84. Yay the double space issue I've had for chapter 1 is fixed. Now to see if this is true for the rest of the chapters

    85. @Pants-on-Head Man

      You are not nearly as important or influential as you think you are.

      You're a nobody and you don't know it.

    86. @Unknown What an unnecessary comment.

      They apologised so was it really worth trying to bring it up again? Where's your tolerance, man? [/hypocrisy]


      I read the first three parts, and I'm glad it wasn't OC-centric like some readers wanted it to be. Here's hoping that L's a Mane-6 or prevalent background character (I'm going for an officially-named background character, like Zecora, as there's fewer holes to fill in - like the cutie mark stories).

      My favourite type of stories are those that keep you guessing. Who is L? How will this adventure deviate from the original? Will X-pony be the equivalent of Y-character in Death Note? Which characters will die?

      Will half the comments be the obligatory "Fluttershy NOOOOO!!!!!" at that time? (I actually reckon she'll be MisaMisa based on her lack of support/opposition so far, but we'll see.)

      Twilight's relationship with Moondancer could have been explored a bit more to help us to feel what she's feeling, but it could just as easily be built upon as the story progresses. Anyway, keep up the good work.

    87. @Unknown

      Oh, hey, come on now.

      Yeah, the guy was outta line, but he apologized. Why are you actively trying to go and antagonize him again? "He's not a bad pony, he just made a bad decision."

      Especially if he's actually got Bipolar Disorder. As a student of Abnormal psychology, I can vouch for that being difficult to deal with and it can cause a person to flare up in the absolute worst of ways.

      Honestly. That was just uncalled for.

    88. @Dusty the Royal Janitor
      I agree with what you said there, but... huh, why the ''Bipolar Disorder'' suggestion ? (just curious)

    89. @Nova25 Because that's what Pants claimed in his last post?

      People are just beating a dead horse at this point (pun unintended, ugh...) so... anyone feel like actually reviewing the fic? I'm sure both Nine and Pants would prefer that to these kind of comments, especially since nobody's commented on Chapter 4 yet. ;)

    90. Had really only intended to give this a chapter and move on as I do with most fics. Instead, I used up my phone's battery binging on this while at work.

      I love FiM and Death Note, but I wondered how it could possibly work and (to be honest) if the author was gifted enough to write for L. I am amazingly surprised on all fronts. It's neither one nor the other, it's both, and it's its own thing. All around an amazing read. Can't wait to see more.

    91. Incredibly well written, and I hope that Nine will manage to really encapsulate the raw brainpower of L and Twilight without resorting to carbon copying everything... and okay, yes, I do want to know who the Misa expy will be. (And really good work with the pacing- keeping it at one to one looks like it's working)

    92. Sweet Chocolate Jesus Grandma. She took the Eyes, didn't she? She's doing this for a different reason than Light did, so I could totally see her going for the Eye deal.

    93. I just realized something. Twilight isn't Light. She's Misa.

    94. Now that I've read it...

      imho this fic kinda cheated the eternal moral debate of this franchise a bit by srsly giving Twilight like 10x the incentive and justifiability from the get-go. Light didn't have any tragic death he was avenging when he popped his Murder cherry. Light also didn't live in a country where murderers do pissant Paris Hilton time. WAT.

    95. First ponyfic that I got into.
      I impatiently await the next chapter.

    96. Whew, lemme just skip past all these comments. I can just smell the anger...

      Now then! I'm personally enjoying this. Death Note was one of my favorites, Ponies are now one of my favorites, mix the two - it should all work out alright, right? Well, right! For the most part.

      I'm glad this isn't an exact carbon copy of the series. Can't tell how many fanfic writers go that route... You still follow closely to the main story while adding your own points and ideas, and I appreciate that. I am REALLY anxious to see how you handle the parts where the original kicks into overdrive with the twists and turns. That'll test your ability to be creative for sure!

      Heh, I was kind of hoping Pinkie would turn out to be L. Not sure why, but her and Twilight going at it just seems so... right. Second hope is Trixie, for obvious reasons. I'm going to have to second the notion hoping it is not the Doctor, though. Just... oh god, no.

      But regardless, I can't wait for the next one.

    97. Sweet Christ on a cracker, MOAR.

    98. Never read or seen or whatever the originals but I live this series. Keep it coming!

    99. >>Despite constantly reminding herself to never look a gift horse in the mouth, Twilight’s frustration grew with every test she performed. What was this book?

      Look a gift WHAT in the mouth? Twilight, that's slavery! D:

      Anyways, I like a lot how there are different turn-outs on the story that manages to give it a different flavor from the actual DN, while still keeping similarities. I thought it was kind of too much weird, but it's kind of nice, actually. Not to mention the TwiLIGHT thing gets me to laugh every time.

    100. Great story! At first I felt like this crossover might not work so well, but you have proven me very wrong.

      I'm curious to see whether Twilight will take the shinigami eyes. And also curious as to whether there will be a Misa-type character. Luckily I'm good at waiting, so take your time, great author!

      Anyway, for some reason, I find it slightly disturbing that Twilight can pull meaningful friendship reports out of all this...

    101. Never saw Death Note (or read), but this is awesome! I love these type of fanfics, when one of the Mane 6 goes on a secret killing rampage and no one knows 8D

    102. I made an intro sequence/PMV for this fic, and I would love some opinions : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QgM_TxFHTIU

      Hopefully Nine is okay with this :)

    103. @Anon3mous
      This makes me happy on so many levels. It's a little Celestia- and Applejack-centric right now, but since they play much larger roles in later chapters it will only get more accurate as time goes on.

      Tell you what, if anyone wants to make any art, music, etc based on this series, you go right ahead. This story is my gift to the community, and it warms my heart to see it inspire others to create.

    104. @Nine

      Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it. And hey, if it gets a few more people to read your story then that's just a bonus.

      To be honest, I suspected Applejack and Celestia would play a part, but mostly I was just having trouble finding scenes where twilight wasn't smiling. She smiles in pretty much every scene!

      As a fellow fan author I always feel bad when I don't review fics I read, so I'm going to try and review each of your chapters as it comes out from now on.

      So far you are doing an awesome job with this fic. Despite what people are saying I think Twilight does make a good Kira, and I'm really looking forward to finding out who L is - I wonder if they're going to have the same dynamic they had in the Manga?

      At first I didn't like the idea of crystal vision, but I've since realised the impossibility of the story without instantanious mass media.

      On a technical note, if twilight has a magical ledger which updates with the names of new criminals, why do her killings match up with when they are reported in the ponyville news?

    105. @Anon3mous
      Much appreciated. I do my best.

      Response to technical note: as L notes, the magical records are only updated once the police records are complete and the criminal in question has been entered into the system. Since this takes some time, it's not ideal for the most up-to-date information. Add that to the fact that Twilight can't carry it with her during the day, so she has to get most of her names from newspapers and crystalvision.

      I guess we're going to have a lot of spoilers in the comments from this point on, aren't we? Maybe we should make a note about that. Spoiler: Some ponies die.

    106. I somehow see Celestia becoming like nightmare moon all of a sudden

    107. L, did you know Shinigami eat apples?

    108. Looks like they forgot to update the heading - it still says chapter 5!

    109. This comment has been removed by the author.

    110. O_o
      Rarity was one of L's secret agents?!?
      Then that means she the Naomi Misora of the story which means...

    111. I can't help picturing the whole thing now.
      R:"Um...why do you keep looking at the clock?"
      *5 seconds before effect*
      TS:">:) Because I'm Kira."
      R:":0 "
      *second hand reaches designated time*
      R:*trance* "I have nothing to say to them."
      TS:"Then goodbye, Diamond Edge."
      We can only hope that the author won't take all parallels. They've done well so far not giving Twilight a father working on the task force.

    112. I could get past Twilight being Kira, but this whole romantic detective thing with Rarity is hard to swallow.

    113. Twilight as Kira makes sense, Kira is supposed to be a likable character from what I remember. Just got pushed a little off the deep end. I don't know all the details from the original, but I remember all the general bits. What's starting to bother me, is Romana and Doctor Whooves. I may have missed something, but the last time I heard of a pony named Romana masquerading as Colgate in Ponyville was in a Doctor Whooves fic, and she was another Time Lord. Combine that with a passing reference to the Doctor in the first chapter, and I'm a bit anxious. I also don't know any details of this part, only the overarching storyline. I don't know any of the cast, or anything. I did think temporarily that the Doctor was L, but if I'm not mistaken, it was Celestia who asked about the Doctor in ch. 1, and she doesn't know who L is. Neither does Luna, I'm pretty sure. But he is notable in the fact that Colgate, Ditzy, freakin' Moondancer, have all made some appearance, and he hasn't past an ominous reference. So there is a chance, from a literary standpoint. Not from a in-char standpoint, as far as I can tell.


    115. @killingspreedoom
      Gasp! You mean I'm... I'm...
      For reals though, it turns out I’m not very good at predicting chapter lengths. Combined with the fact that I’m working on a sequel to Somepony Who Loves You at the same time, this means that chapter updates will be a little unpredictable for the foreseeable future. Fear not, I haven't abandoned you.
      This will probably happen again, so that's the last I'll say on the subject.

    116. @Nine You work on a sequel on that now? AWESOME that story is simply great, just dont forget about this story. Waiting is HARD, but quality demands it.

    117. Altogether now people, @Nine needs encouragement!






    118. Have I told you how awesome this is? well this is beyond awesome.
      This is the fic I wait the most eager.
      No matter what others say, Twilight is the perfect Kira and this fic is the proof.

    119. @Cryoshell
      Nine, you can do it!
      You feel great!
      You. Can. Write. This.

    120. It's nice to see an update. I'm curious to finally see L's identity. I suspected Pinky Pie (eccentric, loves sweets), but considering how much Twilight is involving her that could really cut short her Kira career.

    121. D'aww, you guys =)
      Fun fact, I am writing the big reveal scene RIGHT NOW. It's been fun seeing all the fan theories about L's identity, so it's almost a shame the speculation has to end. Oh well, plenty of surprises in the future to deal with.
      Still looking for a new editor, too. If you love updates, having another person around to catch my stupid mistakes would be a huge help.

    122. Ohmigosh! I love this fic, really captures the esscence of the real thing, and is converted so well between both series. I like how everything isn't MAGIC in this. You put together a slightly more modern setting for this and rolled with it. This was just plain great, words cannot describe how greatful I am for this awesome time I spent reading this fic.

      L has to be somepony not recognized by anyone, someone put out in the shadows or something. I have no clue who it could be.

      Also, considering where the structure of this is going, does this mean Rarity is going to be killed? My gawd, can't wait to see how you wind up portraying that part.

      Again with the giddy fan boy squees. I know you're discontinuing any references to Dr. Whooves, but let me just say this much; I would've come buckets if you had combined Doctor Who, My Little Pony: FiM, and Death Note into one glorious fic. It would've gotten far too hectic before long, though, so I'm glad you stopped that.

    123. This comment has been removed by the author.

    124. L
      Obsessed with sweets.
      Sometimes logic does not fit what others are thinking.

      "Wanted to see if you grow two heads"?

      My 'Pinkie-is-Ryuzaki Sense' is tingling.

    125. Pony death note? OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH OMIGOSH! This is at LEAST 20% cooler!

    126. Right... has to be someone who has scope for being a pseudon-

      Ditzy Doo...
      Derpy Hooves...


    127. O.O

      Lyra is L.

      Wow, I can't believe I couldn't figure that out. It's not like there are hundreds of ponies whose name starts with 'L'...

      But seriously, LYRA?!?!?!

    128. @cjwcjwcjwcjw
      I am not seriously surprised
      Do we know any other canon pony that sits strange?
      Actually, she is just made for L.

    129. Can't wait for Twilight to take an apple....AND EAT IT!

    130. Lord Cloppington? I see what you did there

    131. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_GBU0kCRbwE

      Interesting revelation. I never thought it would be her, but then again I am not that familiar with all the background ponies.

      I'm glad it isn't Pinkie though. If it were Pinkie Twilight would be so screwed.

    132. ...okay...
      Though I suppose it makes sense. The most human-like pony would be considered unusual in the Equestrian universe.
      *Death Note end-of-episode theme song is now ringing through my mind*

    133. My god how could I forget abot her!!! L identity caught me off guard, good job!
      Oh my... Twilight, doing "that" knowing you were been watched?

    134. Lyra as L is fridge brilliance, if you consider how the human L "sits." Also, Lyra used the word "hand" at one point. I'm not sure if this is intentionally a stealth meme, or just a lapse of the author's part.

    135. Very nicely done. Although I noticed that one pony now has "hair", and another has "hands"

    136. I nearly fell out of my chair when I found out Lyra is L. It was so obvious!!

    137. Now, I'm not one that usually likes to open old wounds, but if I may give my opinion on this story?

      I pretty much agree with Pants-on-Head-Man. Yes, yes, the guy that caused the whole flame thing towards the beginning, but the thing is he actually makes an interesting point. The problem with his argument was A) he was being immature and whiny about his argument and B) he didn't think about what he was arguing through enough.

      The fact of the matter is that Twilight is in fact, out of character. But it isn't just Twilight that is out of character.

      The whole WORLD is out of character.

      Now... admittedly... I've only read three or four chapters. And I read them a while ago. Around the time this first started coming out. But I do remember being... I don't want to say "disgusted" but my overall response was pretty close to that. But the problem was that I didn't know exactly WHY I was disgusted because everything seemed to make sense and the writing from a technical standpoint was stellar. Furthermore everyone SEEMED to be pretty much in character (at least at first glance), so I didn't know why it didn't sit well with me. But since then, every time this story updated I found myself thinking critically about what I read and I think I finally figured it out.

      This is a story that completely misses the point of MLP and Death Note by ignoring all cultural differences.

      See, the thing is, from what I can tell, Death Note is a story about absolute power corrupting absolutely. Having power over life and death is damn near having godlike power (I would disagree to an extent because to me having Godlike power would involve the ability to CREATE life as well but whatever) but the thing is that such a power is completely out of place in the MLP world. The fact is that there is an intense cultural divide between Equestria and Earth and this has been demonstrated numerous times.

      Equestria is an idyllic society. This is canon. And while it’s never outright said that it’s an idyllic society beyond “peace has reigned ever since” in the first episode, we can infer this from numerous things. The community driven winter wrap up for example, where everyone is not only willing but PLEASED to help out the community when there’s a job to be done... or the incredibly low amount of security it’s most important figure, Princess Celestia carries around (two guards does not the Secret Service make). Really. She had two guards posted outside the party in ponyville and that’s it. Anypony that wanted to hurt her could go through a window or sneak in another way or fire a spell from afar, and she didn’t have anyone to “take the bullet” inside at the party in case one of the guests on the list secretly harbored a grudge. Furthermore, there’s the way that stores are set up, making it perfectly easy for ponies to steal merchandise but this never happens. There’s the way that security let the school group trot around the royal gardens and castle grounds completely unguarded without any supervision or guide. Equestria is an idyllic society. This is canon.

      So from the very beginning it makes absolutely no sense that prisons might be completely full and that they are so full of scum that murderers will be let off with only a slap on the wrist.

      I can see Celestia abolishing the death penalty and I can see that maybe one insane pony might take that as a cue to just murder a filly. After all, even in an idyllic society there’s the occasional bad apple... or psychopath as the case may be. And in this case, I can maybe see that Twilight might want revenge. This makes sense. But from the very beginning it makes no sense that Equestria would have their prisons full and it makes no sense that such a horrible crime would be let off so easily. Equestria as a whole is very poorly written in this story.

    138. So basically what this story does is, to suit its own purposes, is shoehorn an earthlike society upon Equestria. Your mileage may vary on how well it works. Obviously this story has a lot of fans but the story makes a large amount of canon aspects of the show make no sense, e.g. all the things I listed about Equestria’s idyllic society.

      So now Twilight finds her Death Note. Now the original death note was about absolute power corrupting absolutely, but that’s not what it’s about here. This story misses that mark. Here, it’s about Twilight becoming the Punisher. Now I won’t deny, that sounds... interesting I suppose. Although again from a contextual standpoint it makes no sense. But as a result, it misses the point of both Death Note AND My Little Pony.

      You see, again, due to cultural differences, the ponies would likely describe ‘absolute power’ differently from us humans on earth. Absolute power from the ponies’ standpoint would reflect their idyllic society. More likely than not, Absolute power to a pony would probably center more on creation or GIVING life rather than taking it away. Who has the power to GIVE life and CREATE and CONTROL worlds rather than destroy them. This sort of absolute power can still corrupt. Nightmare moon, for example, simply wanted to create and control a world where people appreciated her night and it corrupted her.

      But okay, in all honesty the Death Note really is little more than a means to an end or a plot device in this case. So how would Twilight use one? Well, it’s entirely possible that if she found one of these and if SOMEHOW a murderer that killed one of her best friends managed to make it out of jail with a slap on the wrist... I can see her using it to kill him. I can. In anger and desperation even the best of us can do things like this. But really that’s it. After she did that I can’t see her knowing what on earth she might do with it. After all, she’s grown up in an idyllic society that encourages friendship and discourages hostility and criminals are likely few and far between.

      ...Which means that the only way we can possibly have a story in the first place is to severely twist the canon world and make Twilight have grown up on essentially what is Earth with ponies and have there be a huge crime problem all over the planet. This is the story’s big failing. It messes up the world and the culture of Equestria so badly that it ends up NOT being a MLP fanfic anymore. It simply becomes a death note story where someone who used to have an idealistic view of the world suffers a great injustice and decides to become the punisher with a mystical notebook. Which is fine, really. It sounds like a good story. I’d read it. But the thing is that by screwing up the entire basic culture of MLP and Equestria, it is no longer a MLP fanfic. It’s something else entirely with characters that have the same names.

      So that’s just my point of view. It’s an interesting story, but if you ask me, it’s simply not My Little Pony. The culture and characters... all of them, not just Twilight... are too far gone from their actual canon personalities simply due to their cultural environments and situations for it to be a My Little Pony fic. It could possibly be an alternate universe fic I guess, but it really looks like it’s trying to pass itself off as a “this-could-possibly-happen-in-the-canon-universe-if-the-conditions-are-right” fic, which just makes everything feel wrong.

      It’s written well from a method standpoint, and in another context I would be all over this story... but as a pony fanfic it just really REALLY doesn’t work due to the cultural problems.

    139. @Rainbow Smash

      Anyone who reads a grimdark taged pony fic and doesn't expect the utopia that is Equestria to be at least slightly changed is kidding themselves.

    140. @Rainbow Smash That's an interesting way of looking at it.

      Light basically wanted a perfect world, yet canon Twilight lives in a world that is as close to perfect as it's ever going to get, barring destroying Discord and hunting down all the hostile animals of the Everfree Forest.

      So unless the world in the story is radically changed (which you said), Twilight's sees an exaggerated version of the criminal minority (could be what the author's trying to do with the death of her friend) and/or the idyllic setting only applies to the Canterlot-Ponyville area of Equestria, it won't work within the universe of MLP.

      None of the above seem to have been done well enough in-story to keep the essence of MLP. The author could've worked in that the areas of Equestria we see in the show are simply the best parts of a grimmer, darker world, with possible measures in place to protect the Canterlot area, considering how Luna went around Ponyville without an escort. And Twilight, being brought up in peaceful surroundings, could've been deeply affected from her first contact with the "outer world", her scars re-opening after meeting the killer.

      This in turn might've given her that warped "eye-for-an-eye" justice which otherwise wouldn't have shown up in the peaceful Ponyville we usually see.

      I'm just blabbing about ways in which Death Note might work within the Ponyverse. This story is enjoyable to read, but I agree it's not a great pony fanfiction. Which isn't saying a lot considering most other fanfics, pony or otherwise.

    141. @FamusJamus After re-reading the summary and first chapter, I also reckon more focus could've been given to Equestria's "growth" and how it affected it's crime rate from what we've seen on the show.

    142. These are some excellent points you bring up. Personally, though as the author I may be a little biased, I have never seen Equestria as a utopia. Ponyville is fairly idyllic due to it being a small community within flying distance of the capital city, but there's no reason to think that applies everywhere. There is pain, there is death, there is conflict; heck, look at what nearly happened in Over A Barrel. Things seem to be getting on nicely at the moment under Celestia's iron hoof, but add just one year of rapid population growth and it's not inconcievable that the country might start to blacken around the edges. After all, if we're talking about realism, it would be strange to expect there to be no bad ponies in a world of such heavily humanized characters.

      But that's just my take. As I've said before, the problem with such wholly incompatible crossovers is you have to make some unlikely assumptions or the story cannot exist. If I were to start this series again, I would probably have to do some more thorough world-building and explain how the situation has worsened over time. For now, though, I feel it's more important to carry on forwards rather than get trapped in revision. To me Death Note was always about the mystery and the mind games between Light and L, so that's what the story will focus on.

      Still, you've all certainly given me a few things to think about. I may try to work more of the decline of Equestria into later chapters.

    143. Well, not to start a war, but Over a Barrel may not be your best argumentative point. Remember, nobody died that episode. The ponies didn't even know what they were doing. They fought with PIES of all things. If Equestria as a whole was anything less than idyllic, the Appleoosans would probably understand the concept of deadly weapons during that conflict.

      And on top of that, I could also bring up Manehattan, where Granny Smith and Big Macintosh didn't put up any sort of fight before letting a really young Applejack out to wander the streets of one of the world's largest cities (assuming Manehattan is as much of an analogue to Manhattan as the name suggests). No decent family (Which the Apple Family obviously is) would let a young child wander the streets of Manhattan alone.

      And as for Ponyville being idyllic but nowhere else, there's a problem there too. The thing is... out in the remote parts of the country, there are still small towns. The types of towns where everybody knows everybody else's name. These towns tend to be pretty idyllic left on their own. The thing is, they tend to act very suspicious and wary when a stranger comes to town (at least in my experience when I've gone out on road trips). This is completely unlike Ponyville where whenever a stranger comes to town they throw them a huge party (e.g. Twilight and Gilda).

      I'm just saying. There's everything to suggest that Equestria is indeed idyllic as a whole and that it seems off that, even in a time of super-increased growth in Equestria that the prisons would fill up so fast that they would let murderers out with a slap on the wrist. If this was maybe Twilight's granddaughter I could believe that times had changed enough, perhaps, for the prisons to have filled up but in this sense the story has basically seemingly either disregarded Equestria's culture entirely or is simply moving way too fast to ever be believable.

      Again. Just my opinion.

    144. @Rainbow Smash
      Yeah, you're probably right. I suppose it all depends how strong your initial interpretation is. Well, it's at least good to know why people occasionally get riled up over the story. Things to bear in mind for the future: if you're going to create an alternate universe, introduce it as such.

    145. This comment has been removed by the author.

    146. While I feel somewhat inadequate to put something so much less eloquent than the previous half-dozen posts here, I would personally say, coming from the point of view of a death note fan, that this was a fairly good compromise. While, as Rainbow Smash says, MLP:FIM does take place in a much more idyllic universe than ours, Nine has (so far) resited Light's "everypony is a criminal, just a matter of time" attitude. Also, on a side-note, I would like to commend Nine on his handling of existing in-universe relationships and fiddling the timeline to fix that up, most noticably with the Diamond Edge storyline. About to read Chapter 9, hoping it doesn't blow this out of the water.


      Oops double post, also, wow, now I have read it, I am indeed impressed. Nice work with the fourth wall there.

    147. In regard to part 9: I did not see that coming. And Pinkie breaking the 4th wall was hillarious.

    148. I think you guys are over thinking this too much. It's fan fiction. It's not supposed to be super accurate or pertinent to the show, it's just written to be enjoyed, not critically reviewed. I'm not even sure what you're trying to prove, that I shouldn't read it because it's not canon based?

      If you so wish as to criticize the story for death, your entire argument might as well be against the "grimdark" tagged stories in general. If you wish to complain about it not being show accurate, anything with a "Normal" and possibly "adventure" tags that was out of character would be fair game, not crossovers, sci-fi, or grimdark.

      It's like looking at caffeinated and decaffeinated coffee and saying "That's not like real coffee dude, it's completely different." I don't see why on earth that should stop me from drinking it if I enjoy the taste.

    149. @EvilDocterMcBob Hey, plenty of authors enjoy critical reviews, as readers can point out areas they can work on either during their story or their next one (see Nine's last comment for the basic summary). Noone's trying to "prove" anything.

      It's not so much telling people that they shouldn't drink decaf coffee. More like telling the manufacturers that you wouldn't get the caffeine rush you get from regular coffee (of course assuming that was their aim in the first place).

    150. Must say, this whole comments section is getting pretty meta. Not that I'm complaining; it's always good to see that I've made people think, one way or another. I do sometimes wish people would comment more on elements of the story itself rather than getting hung up on the premise, but far be it from me to tell you what to find interesting.

    151. I knew it, I knew it, I KNEW EEET!

      I bucking knew L wuz gonna be...DAT PONY!

      Good game Nea...errr Nine! But I win >:]

    152. Deciding to respect @Nine's wishes:
      As far as story is concerned, this is the first, and so far only, fic that has caught and held my attention. The intricacies of the plot share qualities of both of the works it is derived from, while holding its own in both style and form. It is also a fairly ingenious work- a majority of the plot revelations look obvious in hindsight, but are hard to guess beforehand, even with prior knowledge of the death note series. Any good?

    153. Twilight seems to be going crazy a bit too soon here.
      I thought it wasn't supposed to happen until after L died. "Oops", spoiler.
      (Sorry to the people that haven't gotten that far in the actual Death Note anime. But then, if you haven't, why are you reading this crossover?)

    154. As interesting as the tale of the golem was, it felt completely out of place, like it belonged to another fanfic. It detracts more from the story than it adds.

    155. @Spikely Whiplash
      Well, it's entire purpose was to set up an alibi for Twilight to not be L. In general, this fic is moving faster than the series, but I feel as though it delivers and explains quite well.

      Nah, it's all happening at relatively the same time. It shows that Light is remorseful about having to kill those agents, however Light puts up the non-crazy act much better. But in order for us to understand the character and it's progressions more, Nine had to make it a little more obvious. Plus, we have no animation to go by.

      Oh, and btw, lol at the marshmallow getting all over the scroll. Think about it for a bit... mushy white liquid. "he ducked his head in embarrassment" lol ;p

    156. This comment has been removed by the author.

    157. @Rainbow Smash

      Well, I read your comment, and your argument is based on what can be inferred from the canon world.

      That's the problem with your argument - fanon is different from canon. Fanon SHOULD be a little varied from canon, to show how the world could have been different if something wasn't quite like canon.

      Have you read Fallout:Equestria, which is like the most famous fanon work of MLP? Equestria is even MORE twisted from canon in FoE, and is far, far, FAR from idyllic. And for some reason we can't get enough of it.

      So for your argument that the world is out of character, I present FoE as my counterargument and say that for a fanon work, the world being out of character should be accepted. This is a grimdark story anyway - how can you not expect Equestria to be corrupted?

      If my argument is flawed somewhere please feel free to reply.

    158. @Spikely Whiplash
      I've mulled it over, and I believe you may be correct. It's important to get golems into the story early on, since we'll be seeing much more of them in the future, but now that I look at it the legend does feel a little out of place. Since most of the information it covers doesn't become relevant for another season it would make more sense to move it back a bit. Of course, since future chapters aren't written I don't yet have anywhere to move it to, so for now I'll leave it where it is.

      I prefer not to clutter up the page with replies all over the place, so I'll just take the opportunity to give a great big THANK YOU to everyone who's commented so far. Getting feedback, be it positive or negative, is by far the best part of writing. I love and appreciate you all. =)

    159. @Nine

      Stupid question, but you are aware that Rarity is still alive, right? We haven't heard from her in AGES.

    160. @Cryoshell
      Don't worry, she hasn't been spending her time idle. Though I'm afraid she's not in the next chapter either... but soon, I promise!

    161. Okay, I haven't posted on this fic yet, but I've been reading for a while now, so I figured I'd give my two cents on this fic.

      The sudden darkening of Equestrian society... never bothered me. I'll put that up front. I can take deviations on Equestrian (or any other) society if its done well enough. Nor has Twilight's own darkening due to the Death Note's influence. I don't want to talk about either of those details.

      What I want to talk about is the conflict in this story. There are plenty of conflicts in this story, so I'll divide my perception of them into sets. First:

      Pony vs Pony Part 1: So far, Kira vs L has proven mostly the same as in canon, with only slight deviations. If you intend to keep stuck to the tried and true plot of Death Note in this regard, I might as well just read the original story and pretend everyone is a pony. However, I notice you've given yourself SOME wiggle room. That said, I want to see you try and go off the rails at some point.

      Pony vs Pony Part 2: Chapter 9 gave us a mysterious foe sending Golems into Equestria. I don't know if that's a reference to another fic, or to some part of Death Note I can't quite remember, but including it at this point can easily throw our plot off the Canon Rails, and is a very gutsy move. I like that in a fanfic. This gives L and Twilight a common foe, assuming you're not going to connect the golem maker to either side.

      Pony vs Nature: Kira's battle against Pony Nature, in attempting to reduce crime, is going about the same as the original story, and I don't mind this as much as it isn't nearly the most important conflict in either canon of DN:E.

      Pony vs Themself: Kira vs Twilight. What does this mean? Simply Twilight's goals as Kira against Twilight's morals. It's sadly underutilized in this fic. You've given us some of it with Twilight's breakdown in Chapter 10, but what I'd like to see is to show us a Line that is adequately shown to be uncrossable for Twilight. Killing her closest friends, Killing Celestia, killing children, anything that she COULD do, but that she has decided NOT to do. Give us situations where the Line could be crossed to make things easier, but she refuses. Then, later on, give us a situation where she simply HAS to cross that line or fail her main goal, and suddenly we have that conflict in full force: Twilight doesn't want to kill Rarity/Scootaloo/Celestia/Whoever, but Kira needs them silenced, NOW. Have her struggle with herself, only for one side to emerge victorious. Maybe Twilight will win and either give herself up, or miraculously find another way, or seemingly be rewarded for her loyalty to her standards. Or perhaps Kira wins, and lives on to fight another day, but both Twilight and/or the readers KNOW that she's done something she can never go back on.

      All that said, I love your story, update when you can. I'll keep reading and try to let you know what I think every once in a while.

      Much love.

    162. I have recorded the first chapter into an audiobook, though obviously I'll wait for Nine's permission before posting it :)

    163. @Anon3mous
      GASP. That's the closest I've ever come to doing an actual spit-take. Fully approved. You're the best, Anon3mous.

      Bear in mind that the first few chapters may get rewrites at some point. The biggest criticism of the story so far has been the setup, both showing Equestria's downfall and Twilight's transformation into Kira. To that end I may do a great leap backwards at some poing and redo them. But that's for the distant future, not something we need to worry about right now.

      Had some holdups due to exams, but new chapter very soon, I promise!

    164. @Nine

      Shouldn't supprise you that much, you've written a great story. I happen to know a another guy who's been meaning to do it :)

      I might ask him to do some of the voices.

      Anyway, here's an advance copy: http://www.mediafire.com/?u7pum18pzrjcpc8

      I'll probably post it on youtube a bit later.

    165. You can add another "meaning to do it" to the list here, and ANon3mous seems to have spurred me into action there!

    166. This comment has been removed by the author.

    167. Here's the finished audio of chapter 1 with background music and sfx - I will be releasing both this, and the non-bgm version on youtube - it takes forever to render seeing as they're 36 minutes long!


    168. Gaa, stupid youtube, won't let me post that long anymore so I'll have to split it.

    169. Here's the link to chapter one on my backup account:


    170. Chapter 12 was brutal. It left me speechless.

    171. Wow, not sure but I think with this move, Twilight just took a swan dive off the moral event horizon faster and maybe even farther than Light ever did...

    172. ...You killed...Pinkie?
      I don't like this story anymore, but I will continue reading it. I'm not recommending to any friends, though. There are some acts I won't support, even for the sake of a great story. You killed the story along with Pinkie Pie. It may have been necessary, but you killed it.
      In other news, Pinkie's death scene was done very well. Her final words were perfect.
      And Kira? Is perfect. I think the only way this story could end well is with her winning. And I want her to now. The part of me that didn't want her to? Is the part that stopped reading at Pinkie's death.
      And I know that one of the reasons anyone writes a Death Note type story is to judge the reactions of the people reading it. I hope you're happy.

    173. Really tapdancing past that moral event horizon there.

    174. Freaking heck. Well, no-one can accuse you of sticking too hard to the original story any more...

    175. For reference, does "Season Finale" mean that we won't be getting any more for a while? If so, :(

    176. That really hurt. We were expecting that Rarity might not make it, given who her counterpart was, but I don't think anyone was expecting Pinkie Pie to end up dead. It was heartbreaking. Well-written, but heartbreaking.

      One thing I like is that Twilight doesn't completely mirror Light. Even though she was every bit as cruel and manipulative as Light in this chapter, she felt a lot different. If it were Light, he would be smirking and saying "Just as planned" as soon as he was alone. Twilight seems to realize that she's become evil, but is so fanatically devoted to her goal that she continues anyway.

    177. Please tell me Fluttershy is safe. I swear to God if you kill Fluttershy...

      But either way I still want more, I really enjoy how well this story is coming along, and even though I'm pissed at how both, pinkie and rarity are dead, it was excellently written.

      I also like how far your differing from the original, makes it all the more enjoyable.

    178. Why are you suffering Pinkie's death? She wasn't even important to the plot until now.

    179. Twilight Sparkle, you are a complete monster. Also, the distraction part and L ordering Rainbow Dash to stop it and ultimately cause the distraction raises some serious questions about free will and the Death Note. I mean, suicide alone is something that's horrifying to think of as far as controlling other's actions.

    180. Well I was going to finish editing chapter 3 of the audio book tonight, but it looks like that's going to have to wait! Chap 13 whooo.

    181. I have a feeling that I if this fic goes 100% with the Anime/Manga, that the ending will be...
      neverless, great work you're doing in here!

    182. Oh my Faust, will Twilight take a potato chip.... AND EAT IT! (?) Please?

    183. @cjwcjwcjwcjw


      'You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.'

      Heh, sorry. I don't mean to be rude or anything, but I can never resist a chance to slip in a Princess Bride quote. (also, sorry this took a while to get back to but you understand that I don't look at a story that I personally don't enjoy all that often).

      Anyway, yeah. That argument is flawed. While no, I have not read Fallout: Equestria (I'm sure it's great but I never liked Fallout in the first place and it's just to long for me to devote that much time to a fanfiction, no matter how well made), FO:E is not Fanon. It is a fanfiction. I guess it could best be described as a "fanfiction universe" with its own set of canon and fanon, but while it is related to MLP, it in no way falls under MLP's fanon or canon rules.

      FANON is something very specific.

      Fanon encompasses things like the names of background ponies such as Lyra, Bonbon, Colgate, and Berry Punch. It refers to things like Dinky being Derpy's Daughter, or the idea that Applejack's parents are dead or that the pony version of Japan is called Neighpon or that Lyra and Bonbon are a couple. Large scale fan interpretations that everybody agrees with and nobody thinks twice about.

      Things like this, on the other hand, do not fit into either fanon OR canon and this story's problem, in my mind, is that it tries to pass itself off as fitting into them, when it, in truth, does not. Instead coming across as some sort of uncanny valley version of the Equestria that is not idyllic, but everybody acts like it is, which says really weird things about the inhabitants.

      If you want to use a variation on the word "canon" to describe this story, probably the best thing to use would be "headcanon," which is a personal interpretation, as Nine has said. Which is perfectly fine, but when the author puts it out for people to see, he has to be ready for people to say that they don't like and/or disagree with the headcanon, and they have to be ready for people to point out the holes in the headcanon.

      (Also, just so you know, the idea that Grimdark stories will inevitably corrupt Equestria is kinda wrong. There are plenty of Grimdark stories that only corrupt one pony or just introduce an event that is super dark rather than corrupting the whole country.)

      Anyway, that's my take on the story here.

    184. Crud, why does my mind keep advancing ahead into a plot that won't happen?
      RD: "What about your mother? What the hay did she die for?!"
      TS: "My mom? *gasp for breath* You mean Starlight Sparkle? That's right Rainbow Dash. Ponies that follow justice like that always lose in the end. Do you want to live in a world where they're made to be foals? I know you understand so kill the others. Shoot them!"
      RD: "You led your mother to her own death...and now that she's gone you call her a foal?"
      TS: *hastily resumes writing*
      OC: "Her blood!"
      RD: "AAAAAAAAH!" *shoots until Twilight falls into a puddle*
      "I'll kill her. I'll kill her! SHE HAS TO DIE!"
      OC: "Rainbow Dash!"
      *scene reveals she missed by inches*

    185. I love the setup of chapter 13. Specifically, I like how it prepares the reader so that the last sentence can have it's full impact and the powerful contrast it creates.

    186. DEAR NINE!
      Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you, you killed pinkie...

    187. I like how no-one greives for Rarity...

    188. xD I just finished chapter 2, and I'm already imagining L as a perfect Lelouch.

    189. ... WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST READ?!?!?!?!

    190. Come on Nine, don't leave us in the dark here... Well, Dark for everyone except twilight, it would appear.