• Story: The Eversleep (Update Story 2 Part 29!)


    [Grimdark][Sad][Normal] I don't see how something can be all three of those tags, but, alright.

    Author:
    EvenMotion
    Description: When the world turns upside down for the Kingdom of Equestria, is
    it impossible for it to recover? When final words are spoken, all of
    Equestria will be forced to take sides. A select few must shoulder the
    burden of restoring balance to the kingdom, doing whatever it takes to
    bring back the peace, risking the sacrifice of all they hold dear.
    All Links after the break! 


    The Eversleep Part 1
    The Eversleep Part 2
    The Eversleep Part 3
    The Eversleep Part 4
    The Eversleep Part 5
    The Eversleep Part 6
    The Eversleep Part 7
    The Eversleep Part 8
    The Eversleep Part Epilogue

    Additional Tags: Struggle, Sorrow, Sacrifice, Perseverance, Rememberance




    [Grimdark][Sad][Normal][Light Shipping]
    Description: Some memories never fade.

    For Rainbow Dash, there’s too much truth in that statement. The war,
    the fall of Cloudsdale, and especially the death of Twilight all
    remain as vibrant in her tired mind as if it were happening to her for
    the first time.

    Meanwhile, another has taken a forbidden road to escape the darkness
    in her past, and in doing so, she may plunge Equestria into darkness
    once again.

    With everything on a silent path to destruction, the only one able to
    stop it may be too conflicted with her own feelings to save her home,
    her friends, her country... herself. Will she even be able to reach
    the answers hidden in the shadows?

    After all... some things are best left forgotten.
    Endless Sky Part 1
    Endless Sky Part 2
    Endless Sky Part 3
    Endless Sky Part 4
    Endless Sky Part 5
    Endless Sky Part 6
    Endless Sky Part 7
    Endless Sky Part 8
    Endless Sky Part 9
    Endless Sky Part 10
    Endless Sky Part 11
    Endless Sky Part 12
    Endless Sky Part 13
    Endless Sky Part 14
    Endless Sky Part 15
    Endless Sky Part 16
    Endless Sky Part 17
    Endless Sky Part 18
    Endless Sky Part 19
    Endless Sky Part 20
    Endless Sky Part 21
    Endless Sky Part 22
    Endless Sky Part 23
    Endless Sky Part 24
    Endless Sky Part 25
    Endless Sky Part 26
    Endless Sky Part 27
    Endless Sky Part 28
    Endless Sky Part 29 (New)

    Additional Tags: Mystery, Grief, Revenge, Treachery

    173 comments:

    1. last
      how the hell can something be Grimdark and Normal?

      ReplyDelete
    2. First two comments = So much fail.

      Looking forward to giving this a shot.

      ReplyDelete
    3. Pinkamina Diane PieAugust 6, 2011 at 7:22 PM

      incomplete.
      Incomplete.
      INcomplete.
      INCOMPLETE!!!

      Sorry, can't join on to yet another incomplete fic. There's just not enough time.

      ReplyDelete
    4. Ok, That is the saddest way to start a story EVER. What's the Grimdark aspect going to be? I'm almost too scared to find out...

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    5. I liked this. It actually drew tears from me as I read. Looking forward to the next instalment.

      ReplyDelete
    6. ...huh. Doesn't look too Grimdark to me as of yet.

      I like the way this is written; the author has an awesome style. I may not keep up with this, as i think i know what's going to happen, but keep up the good work!

      ReplyDelete
    7. Man... manly tears.

      At first I was thinking that Celestia was going to go all Nightmare Flare or something, her mental composure and focus possibly waning... as she suited up in her armor... But then it became VERY apparent where the story was going, and now I'm sad.

      Keep it going fine sir! Need moar!

      ReplyDelete
    8. Errhh.... A nice story, but a bit confusing and in need of explenation, also it would help if this first chapter was at least COMPLETE, before being put up... The ending just seems to cutoff abruptly as if you were in a rush to finish it.

      ReplyDelete
    9. I don't know, starting a story with a first chapter seems weird to me, it's almost like the author is planning to write more or something.

      ReplyDelete
    10. Dunno about this one. Potential here, yes, but I'm already getting vibes that this is a story I shouldn't get involved with when I'm already reading a couple other ones with vaguely similar setups.

      ReplyDelete
    11. Hi everyone. I'm seeing that I should comment on this as the author. This is actually my first time doing a fanfiction ever, and I'm still not entirely sure how it works.

      @Anonymous
      I am almost done with chapter 4, I just wanted to test the waters first. I was also trying to be considerate of the Pre-readers since Seth posted a few nights ago that they are really swamped in material.

      If you have any direct concerns, questions, or comments you can email me. Being as this is my first go around I can use anything you might want to bring to my attention

      ReplyDelete
    12. Nice opener, very touching. I do agree that the ending of the first chapter is a bit awkward and did feel rushed and not very... ending-ey. I like it a lot, though, and look for to further chapters. GREAT JORB!

      ReplyDelete
    13. You've done well for your first story.

      Continue as I hope to see more.

      ReplyDelete
    14. The beginning was very deceitful, for me at least, I expected an okay but not very compelling story, man have you proved me wrong, I eagerly await your next chapter

      ReplyDelete
    15. Please add in the the rest of the story; the wait is UNBEARABLE!

      ReplyDelete
    16. you had me at the picture and the story is just fabulous! I can't wait for more!:D

      ReplyDelete
    17. I'm further along in the update queue, I dunno when it'll be updated, but there are 2 more chapters in there! Also, I've been writing still, and I have 2 chapters without reviews at the moment (A third almost done)

      All in all, I've actually written 5 and almost a 6th chapters in total. Hold on, its coming. :D

      If you want to help me edit them I'm open to that: [email protected]

      Let me know.

      ReplyDelete
    18. I WANT to start this story so badly, because I know it will be a long one, though I just cant add another to my list of waiting to finish stories. though I will be book-marking this page for when I'm less "filled".

      ReplyDelete
    19. I... I can't start reading another one?? Oh geez, coffee, muffins and I shall read through this tonight.

      ReplyDelete
    20. Solid effort quite engaging and indeed sad at points(Sky Shroud!). Looking forward to more.

      That said a few hopefully constructive criticisms:
      1. Sentence structure is occasionally poor. A specific example of this for instance is "Princess Luna. The youngest of the Royal Line. Your inconsolable sadness allowed the jealousy of your sister to grow, and be taken by foul Nightmare."
      Reading that the first time it made it seem like Celestia had been the jealous one. There are a few more instances where what you're trying to convey is harder to understand then it should be.
      2. Sky Shroud falling in love with Luna in such a short span felt forced and odd to me, that said its a minor plot detail so ultimately it doesn't matter to much.
      3. Chapter endings inconsistent. 1 and 4 seem awkward as Chapter 4 ends mid conversation without anything of significance revealed. Chapter 2 and 3 seemed like smoother more natural chapter endings(really liked the reveal about Celestia end of Ch. 2).

      None of the above ruin the story just make it very good instead of great in my opinion. That said a great first fan fic effort(and a damn sight better then I could do).

      ReplyDelete
    21. @Matt

      I've been considering ways to make 1 end smoother. Also, thank you for the comment's on sentences. I've re-read it plenty, but I know what I mean when I read it :P

      As for Chapter 4's ending? Intentional. It's important and explained near the end. I was trying for another layer of mystery. I'll look it over again.

      ReplyDelete
    22. wow, luna's so cute on this pic :)

      ReplyDelete
    23. >Luna mentions risk of death to herself because of spell.
      >Luna explains to my favourite pony she has something to ask her.
      >Chapter ends.

      Let's DO this! This has secured a place on my list of stories titled "It updated? Screw basic necessities and read it!". It seemed a bit, eh, "choppy" or inconsistent at parts, but that could be me imagination. All in all... Well, you made the list.

      ReplyDelete
    24. Sooooo happy about the new chapters! Everypony should read this!:D

      ReplyDelete
    25. I like this story, but I think it needs to slow down a bit. I don't know if it's just me but it feels like everything is happening in double time.

      It's got a good start and it's continuing on well. Just maybe a tad more padding.

      ReplyDelete
    26. Chapter 2.
      >unless any man wishes
      >any man
      >man
      Humans? In my Equestria?! ಠ_ಠ

      ReplyDelete
    27. @Anonymous

      Oh goodness. I'll fix that immediately.

      ReplyDelete
    28. Hm. Stuff seems to happening a bit quickly.

      Don't get me wrong: When everything slows down, its great. But I think the story in general could use a bit more exposition overall so it seems less like events are constantly reacting to each other and are instead flowing naturally.

      ReplyDelete
    29. @EvenMotion

      Meh I wouldn't worry about Chapter 4 ending while I didn't love it(seemed too abrupt to me) Tast 2 posts down seemed stoked about it. Can't please everyone. Continue to count me in on the "eagerly awaiting more" train.

      ReplyDelete
    30. Wow, this definitely got interesting. Looking forward to more.

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    31. Looking forward to more, definitely, but I'd definitely keep an eye on the pacing. I don't think that this is progressing too quickly - but I think it's quite close to doing so.

      ReplyDelete
    32. Definitely love any story with Luna but this is just awesome! It's fast paced, but that keeps things interesting. I just think you put detail where other authors don't. You tend to describe things by tiny bits instead of broad pictures, making it a little hard to picture. Love the story and the writing style though.

      ReplyDelete
    33. I'm having trouble understanding why the Cloudsdale leadership could have ever thought that defense plan was a good idea, even if they didn't know that the other side had a mega doom weapon at their disposal. Falling for a ruse that a high-school football team would see through?


      Not really a patch on the story, though, because real life leaders have done stupider things while at war.

      ReplyDelete
    34. Quickly rising up the lists as on of my favorite in progress stories. Love that you have kept up a quick pace in pushing out chapters, hopefully that'll continue but its understandable if it doesn't(quality over quantity of course). All my earlier criticisms are gone for the most recent chapter. Sentences and story flowed wonderfully and I enjoyed the chapter ending.
      Just what spell are Twilight and Luna hatching up?

      ReplyDelete
    35. WHo's your artist? I want to ask them to draw something for my fanfic.

      ReplyDelete
    36. @ Matt

      My pace is only as quick as my friend can go in reading and reviewing the story. But I'm way ahead in writing.

      @Sashley

      It was in one of the last Drawfriends. Seth put the image up. It fits pretty well, but I do have an image in mind if I ever find someone who can draw it.

      ReplyDelete
    37. Soon as I saw the word "Council" I knew where this was going. War of the Five Kings, baby. Long Live King Joffrey!

      ReplyDelete
    38. @ EvenMotion
      Could you give me a name? it would help.
      Or, for the artwork, do we just pick and choose from the drawings? I'm new to this so...

      ReplyDelete
    39. Careful with arms and hands and such; Ponies don't have those.

      ReplyDelete
    40. As a Samurai Champloo fan, I remember the "sunflowers have no scent" line...

      ReplyDelete
    41. @Sahley

      Drawfriend 133, #10 I don't know how to embed a link, but just click on the source link in there

      ReplyDelete
    42. Man, you're tearing me apart with these updates! I've got so much to do and I finally got around to reading chapter five and not 2 minutes after I finish five, I see a link to chapter 6! Darn you! Nah, this is really good though, glad you update so often.

      ReplyDelete
    43. Yup! I actually just finished the whole thing. I'm trying to get it edited as quickly as I can without lowering the quality. Bear with me :D

      ReplyDelete
    44. Just finished chapter 6, very well done, absolutely engaging to read and I must have more! Sure, there's a few typos or the random extra letter in there, but your punctuation makes up for it completely and isn't anywhere near bad enough to dissuade me from reading this. Again, very good job with this story, I look forward to reading more.

      ReplyDelete
    45. Another excellent chapter, I do wonder how Starfall's alter ego is going to turn the tide of the war. My 2 critiques:
      1. It feels like there should be a Stormbreaker/royalist scene towards the beginning of the chapter, going from Cloudsdale being wiped off the map late last chapter to routing the new Republic's forces at Manehatten is rather abrupt and deserves some fleshing out from the Royalist perspective.
      2. More Twilight and Luna, my favorite scenes that you've written tend to involve those two.

      ReplyDelete
    46. @Jelfes

      Gah. I've looked over it so many times, but thanks for the heads up on typos. I'll go through it again.

      @Matt

      1. Cool suggestion. Never felt necessary to me, but it might be good.

      2. Glad you enjoyed them! Updates to come.

      ReplyDelete
    47. Oooh I love this, even when I shouldn't. Ponies murdering each other isn't exactly my favourite topic but, you've made is very, very readable. Do like.

      ReplyDelete
    48. Just read it all the way through - excellent work! Very gripping and dramatic, but with plenty of emotion. While it does feel rushed in many places, that is common to all fanfics and most short stories because most writers try to cram as much meaning into as few words as possible - that and they rarely have the time needed to truly flesh it out. This is very promising work however, and I am eagerly looking forward to future works.

      As for the typos, you will never get them all. The harder you look the more they remaining ones become camouflaged because your mind is familiar with the material. You need to have others find them and show you where they are. For those of you that find them, you need to let him know what line the typos are on, or even download a copy, highlight the typos, and send the annotated text to him.

      ReplyDelete
    49. "His skills as a leader were strong as ever, but fell prey to strange bouts of madness."

      lol, because nothing says "leadership" more than BOUTS OF MADNESS.

      ReplyDelete
    50. This is the greatest story ever!

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    51. So much awesome in one story! I can't wait for the next update!:D

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    52. I now think that the story is going way too fast for its own good. There are events in the latest chapter that happen in such rapid succession that it honestly seems like they originally did have something separating them that was excised for some reason.
      One scene is talking about the invasion of Fillydelphia and what Starfall plans to do as an exit strategy, and then suddenly the story warps forward to that exact exit strategy rather than covering any of the stuff between. Its getting kind of jarring now, particularly considering not that much time has even passed since the story started.

      Also, I might be laughed out of here for asking this because I just forgot when it was mentioned, but where are the rest of the Element Bearers in this mess?



      Now for two criticisms that I'm not sure are valid because I'm not quite sure what the author's intent is:
      Starfall is starting to come off as rather flat. In the initial chapters he was portrayed as ruthless far beyond repentance (but admittedly motivated at least partially by being crazy), but still having some ultimate goal in mind.
      Past two chapters, but mostly just this one, Starfall has basically just turned him into a Chaotic Evil, doing crazy and bad shit for the lulz. I'm not sure if this is a bad thing, because that may be intentional to pull off a reveal in the future, but I noted it nonetheless.

      Thing Two:
      These guys, Starfall and Stormbreaker, but Starfall in particular, don't seem to have any idea what they are doing on the battlefield. They keep walking into obvious traps and tricking each other out of them purely because neither of them are thinking more than 5 minutes ahead.
      Now, I question this as a flaw in the story instead of something of brilliance because it is possible that they keep screwing up because they really don't know what they are doing, considering they've presumably never actually fought battles before.
      But on the other hand, they don't seem to be learning from their mistakes, either.


      Starfall seems to be trying to solve everything with his doom weapon even when it is obvious that it wouldn't (and doesn't) work, and I'm honestly starting to wonder why the Luna supporters have to worry at all when the Republic's military leadership is as incompetent as they've been portrayed so far.




      What I'm trying to say is, I'm hoping the tactics displayed by the leadership of The Republic becomes a bit more well-planned than "Charge, Deploy Doom Weapon, Retreat" in future chapters. Because it is going to stretch the suspension of disbelief to keep considering Starfall's cronies as a legitimate threat when their current intelligence is combined with Starfall's Chronic Backstabbing Disorder.

      ReplyDelete
    53. Hey i like the story, but where are pinkie pie, apple jack or rarity???, and starfall is becoming like luna did with nigthmare moon??? interesting, and i would like to hear more about luna, not just a paragraph, pleassee???

      But i like it, i want to read more

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    54. I don't know how you do it, but it's insane! You update so often I just can't get a reading break can I? Commence reading now!

      ReplyDelete
    55. HORY SHET You upload fast!

      MOAR, MOAR, MOAR!

      ReplyDelete
    56. Suspensful ending to chapter 7, I like it, with any other author I would have hated it because of the multi week periods of update times, but you can pull of the rapid updates while keeping it a high quality read. Again, excellent fic.

      ReplyDelete
    57. Loving the fast updates, keep at it!

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    58. shits about to get real! Cele is back in town!

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    59. Is it still a kingdom if it's run by supernatural princess gods?

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    60. @Renren

      Yes. The Pharohs of ancient egypt were "Gods" to the egyptians, and they considered it a kingdom.

      ReplyDelete
    61. @EvenMotion
      "If you have any direct concerns, questions, or comments you can email me."

      You said we could email you, but never said what your email address was.

      ReplyDelete
    62. @Treebohr

      Oh! Well then, that makes a difference. I thought clicking on my blue name would do it.

      For those that want it: [email protected]

      ReplyDelete
    63. I wish these stories would get posted to FiMfic, FF, or DA as well as Google Docs.

      Google docs is great to editing and what not, but it is 100% incompatible with numerous portable devices. I can't read google docs on the go because of that.

      Especially since this story is complete, you ought to consider posing it to one of these sites, to expand your viewership.

      ReplyDelete
    64. I have seen this story in my peripherals for awhile now because the picture was so adorable. I never got around to reading it until you put up chapter 7. And man, am I glad I read this.

      This is a fantastic and completely unique story. I was engrossed the whole time and thoroughly interested in what would happen next.
      And when push came to shove, I cried at the very end.

      I saw a few hints of the shipping in there, but I didn't think it was going to happen. When that final blow came at the end, it was amazing.I didn't see it coming in the slightest, and it was pleasant, bittersweet surprise that I loved.

      Your style of writing is amazing. I simply adore it!
      I hope you write more fanfictions in the future. I'll be watching for them if you end up doing so.
      Thank you for this work of art. Please, keep writing :)

      ReplyDelete
    65. @richfiles

      I'd be more than happy to expand it to other platforms. I know how to do it on DA, but as for the other formats - no idea. If you know can you email me? ([email protected])

      @arbitergirl

      I plan on it! I'm outlining a prequel for this one, and considering a few different options. This is still my first go at Fanfiction. :P
      Glad you enjoyed it ^_^

      ReplyDelete
    66. FYI this is Matt from earlier:
      Wow what an emotionally draining last couple chapters, it flowed beautifully and I must say your writing rhythm these last few chapters are near perfect. Literally the only complaints I have over the final 3 chapters is that, as others have mentioned, the story feels slightly hurried. Damn what a bittersweet ending. Whole story is amazing and I will definitely read it again soon, the fact that it's your first fanfiction ever well that makes it all the more impressive.
      Kudos to you and all who helped you put this story together. Hoping to read more from you in the future!

      ReplyDelete
    67. Despite only having read the first chapter, I'm hooked. Though you make some minor grammatical errors here and there, your writing style is colorful and vivid, and if I didn't have to be at the DMV tomorrow I would definitely be up all night reading. As it is, I can't wait to get back into this fic. Good job.

      ReplyDelete
    68. when can we expect a sequel with the additions?

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    69. Is it too much to ask a story to not end up killing off ponies around me? Please?

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    70. @luna lover

      I don't know when the sequel will get started. I want to write the prequel first to solidify the character at the end in the past, but I'm very torn because of the ponies in the last chapter have so much potential. Again, I'm open to anything at this point since I've finally finished my first fanfic.

      @ Luna Epona

      Sorry D:

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    71. so.. it has finally come to Epilogue. Looking forward to read through

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    72. I was upset after what happened at the stage.

      Epilogue lightened the mood after, but damn did that ending hit hard.

      Good read. I'm REALLY glad I let my curiosity carry me into this story.

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    73. Alright! Three reactions here!

      Number one: Oh @#$% me... You killed Twilight. You better hope I never catch you in a dark alley. I'm a very good shot with a crossbow -_- Maybe a grazing wound or two so you won't inflict those on my favourite pony anymore...

      Number two: That was... Fast. Really, I was expecting more build up and what not, but in retrospect, I suppose the filler would have been a bunch of "Luna and Twilight do tha spell and stuff" for a month.

      Number three: Baby alicorns? -sigh- Gotta go sign up at the hospital for a kidney transplant.

      I liked it, even if it was a little short for my tastes... And even though you killed Twilight... Sick bastard. (Obvious bias is obvious)

      I wasn't kidding about the crossbow. Watch your back, punk. If you won't, I will -stare-

      ReplyDelete
    74. The tag said Sad, and my god did you deliver Sad.

      The ending of chapter 8 left me with mixed feelings, anger because of your crimes against Twilight, and sadness because what happened to Twilight.

      But it was a very good read, I cant wait to get my hands on more material from you.

      ReplyDelete
    75. Well, this was indeed a tough one to read. Although I do reckon that it might feel a tad rushed, but it didn't matter to me. It flew well, and it was thoroughly enjoyable from the first word to the last.

      Good story overall, and I hope to see more from you in the future, perhaps even in the same universe as this one, you do have a great amount of potential as a writer, as do you have a great mythology to expand upon. Eagerly awaiting to read more from you!

      Spoileriffic: Poor Luna. She had to lose someone that stood her near three times in the same story. First Celly, then her bodyguard and at last Twilight. In the end, the epilogue left me feeling uneasy, as it's tragedy struck some strings in me. Poor Luna, poor Dusk and Dawn. Growing up without her significant other, or mother respectively is bound to be tough,

      Poor Twilight as well. <3

      ReplyDelete
    76. @Tast

      My back is permanently watched. I regret nothing, but I'm sorry to upset you D:

      @Draz

      Tradgedy loves company, so I expect to write something similar in the future

      @Krycek
      I am writing in this universe again. Something dark like this has a dark past. And so many loose ends left about the past. It's like I planned for it! But in all seriousness, yes. Though I need to find people willing to look over my piece. I had one helper the whole time and I ran him kinda ragged D:

      ReplyDelete
    77. So sad. Was killing Twilight off the only way to make it work? Best pony can't die... :(

      Epilogue was cute.

      ReplyDelete
    78. @Lady Luna

      Unfortunately yes. Otherwise Luna, my favorite pony would have been a pincushion. And I wouldn't have been able to write the Epilogue :D

      ReplyDelete
    79. Pretty ballsy way of ending the story. Bravo for not Status Quo-ing everything at the very end.


      You also cleaned up your writing a bit for the final two chapters, slowing everything down and describing stuff more.

      ReplyDelete
    80. I decided to hold off on reading this story until its completion.

      First off, I think the pacing is good, and didn't seem rushed to me, but I can see how others who decided to read it during updates could have felt it was a little rushed.

      Now, with that only criticism aside:

      Holy Celestia! That was dark! You managed to capture many emotions from me as the reader, ranging from anger, sadness, happiness, curiosity, etc.

      I honestly haven't had an emotional reaction to a story like that since I've read the Song of Ice and Fire novels. I couldn't stop reading, hoping with every chapter Starfall would meet the most horrible demise possible.

      The final chapter was a double blow for me, as it seemed Starfall managed to get away with taking the easy way out, and of course, her death, which really hit home, despite her not being near the top of my list of characters.

      The epilogue was well-crafted, and was indeed a very bittersweet ending, but sometimes that shows the work of a truly talented author, who can bring closure to an otherwise unclosable story.

      I give this story a 5/5. Very gripping, very dark, and was able to encapsulate me without making it painful to read the chapters. The sad/bittersweet ending was a welcome change compared to the 100% happy endings a lot of fan-fic writers choose to do.

      If you're thinking about reading this, I highly recommend it, but be forewarned, the tags of grimdark and sad are truly an understatement.

      ReplyDelete
    81. I just read through this in one go, and well, thank you.

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    82. I thought the whole thing was good, but I do believe the ending was a bit rushed. It was a good go for a first fic, congratulations! Still got my five stars.

      ReplyDelete
    83. I hope you're still going to read these comments, EvenMotion, because I'm going to go on a critiquing spree. Don't get discouraged or anything, I'm going to get the negative stuff out there first.

      First and foremost, grammar and sentence structure. It was... I'll be blunt, only barely possible. You seem to have something of a comma drought. There were dozens of places throughout the story that really needed or wanted a comma to make the sentence easier to read. Some of the sentences were awkwardly worded even where they were properly punctuated, and the whole thing was, as a whole, difficult to read. I'm going to go out on a limb and say editing isn't your forte. If you have a friend, or even random people on the internet, you can run a story past to edit it, I'd suggest you do that for any future stories. It's readable as is, but it could be so much better with a little more work.

      There were also a small number of outright typos in the story. Not many, but enough to be distracting at times.

      The ending. As many others have said, it feels a little rushed, and it was a little hard to follow exactly what happened as a result. Not too bad, but something to think about.

      Overall, I really enjoyed the story. It was very engaging, and overall an excellent showing for a first story. The minor details I've previously mentioned aside, fantastic job.

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    84. I have read the whole thing 3 times now :3

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    85. Sign of a story I loved, its been almost 2 weeks and this story still pops into my head. The more I think of it the more I love the ending, you gave Twilight's sacrifice a great deal of purpose(you bastard!).

      Going forward I'll echo what I said earlier, just be vigilant with the grammar and sentence structure in your stories and it looks like you'll be fine.

      ReplyDelete
    86. @A Terrible Person

      I am indeed reading these comments. I plan to write the sequel for NaPoWriMo. Unfortunately, I only have a few friends that have been helping me, and we did our best finding them. Normally I feel I use too many (usually writing with commas as I would tell a story is the problem). I will have it edited before it goes up anywhere, but thank you for the critique. I will pay closer attention to those.

      ReplyDelete
    87. The middle of the story was meh and the pacing got crazy, but the beginning and ending were fantastic. MAXIMUM DAWWWW in the Epilogue.

      ReplyDelete
    88. This was so sad. So. Much. Loss...

      It was an amazing story, but it hurt to read it. I hate that feeling in my stomach, but worth the pain for something amazing. I loved the epilogue too, sweet enough to give the diabettus.

      I had a thought regarding the Eversleep itself... Celestia certainly loves all her little ponies, but there are indeed ponies she loves personally. Twilight, her closest friends. Countless ponies who have come and gone in her unending days ruling and guiding Equestria. I think it would be unbearable to know you were a potentially immortal being, or something with a lifespan measured in celestial time spans (billions of years). Imagine the hurt ones soul would feel, knowing that ponies would come and love you, and then die, leaving you. You would never know when your spirit could ever be with them again... maybe never!?!?!

      That would be hell.

      In a land that prides friendship as something magical, placed in a high regard above all else... This would truly be an utter hell for the two alicorn sisters.

      I imagine the eversleep is the spirit's break from an immortal body. A chance to move to the next life, reunite with loved ones long passed, and connect older friends to newer friends in the great beyond.

      It's a chance for the spirit to be reunited, and refreshed. Just as mortal beings sleep every night to refresh the body and mind, organize memories, and formulate dreamscapes, I imagine the eversleep to be the immortal's sleep cycle, bound to a much more massive cycle of time. A chance to regenerate the body and mind, reunite with those from their memories, to live and experience the dream of paradise with loved ones for a while.

      I think it was harsher for Celestia to enter her eversleep because she had only now been reunited with her dear sister. For Celestia, the 1000 years without Luna felt... maybe unfair. She would have to go another 1000 years without her, and would be leaving her still emotionally fragile sister alone for another 1000 years on top of everything. Effectively, the ONE pony Celestia wanted to be with the most would be lost to her for not 1000 years, but 2000 years For once, the eversleep would be a burden to her, rather than a relief, and would be a torment teasing her with her sister's separation, and feeling twice as long. Poor Celly and Luna... They were only just reunited. For such long lived beings, that short time together again must feel like a mere blink in time.

      Well, That's my take on the concept of the eversleep.

      Is this anything close to what you had envisioned when you created this story? I'm just kinda curious.

      It only seems the most logical reason for it to exist.

      ReplyDelete
    89. There is much more to it than that, although I am very surprised by your insights. You had a lot of my ideas correct. If you'd like, I can tell you more about it, but there are certain spoilers that would ruin some of what I'm working on. Email me if you'd like: [email protected]

      ReplyDelete
    90. Can't wait to read story 2, but I will have little to no time today...

      ReplyDelete
    91. Suddenly... Continuation. This was one of my favorite fics, this will be a great read. : D

      ReplyDelete
    92. @Nemmisis

      I planned on making a sequel and a prequel, to clarify. I think I mentioned it way up in the comments.

      Also, if anyone has a question/comment/concern, email me at [email protected]

      ReplyDelete
    93. @richfiles

      Outliving your friends by millennia you say?

      Read "To Be An Alicorn" sometime.

      But do it when your schedule is clear, because you WILL spend the rest of the fucking day weeping and contacting your oldest relatives lol.

      ReplyDelete
    94. And damn, nobody's done any fanart of Dusk and Dawn yet? WASSUPWITDAT?

      Nyx gets 23 fucking pages on ponibooru but Dusk n Dawn can't get a run?

      ReplyDelete
    95. @mycutiemarkisagun

      Not to many people have read this story. Past Sins has a HUGE number of people reading it, so thusly, lots of fan work. Though I'm flattered that you think there should be some. :P

      ReplyDelete
    96. OMGOSH! I wake up and saw this and OMG MUST READ NOW!

      ReplyDelete
    97. alright, done reading (AND RETYPING ALL THIS CRAP. FUCK YOU MOUSE BACK BUTTON, FUCK YOU)

      EvenMotion you sonofabitch, you can craft one hell of a Chapter 1. Those epic battle scenes were easily the weakest parts of Eversleep; stick to your strengths and this will rock HARD.

      additional thoughts:

      - The bowdlerized bedtime story interspersed w/ traumatic flashbacks. Fucking brilliant. "Aunt Rainbow".....DAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! ;_; Quick, name another fanfic scene that blends GRIMDARK, SAD, and ADORABLE that seamlessly. I'm waiting.

      - Wait, only 100 years since Equestria's last Civil War? LOL. That's um, more recent than *America's* Civil War if I recall. Hell, even Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire's Seven Kingdoms of Westeros - a veritable snakepit of political backstabbing and scumfuckery that makes the Middle East look stable - managed to last 102 years between Civil Wars. Plz, for the love of everything holy, do a edit where you arbitrarily push that date back a few hundred years. Because if Equestria can't go a century without blowing up thanks to some asshole unicorn w/ a lil' political clout going Tywin Lannister on everypony, its not Equestria......it's Mexico.

      - Awww, Tia feels guilty. Yeah. You should....you naive dummy. Why don't you mull that over for the next 10,000 years, kthnx. Say what you will, but this bullshit would've never gone down on Tyrantlestia's watch. Uh-uh. Nnnnnnnnnope. Fuhgedaboutit. Starfall would've gotten his ambitious flanks preemptively purged quicker than you can say "Stalin Show Trial". Bet it. Tyrantlestia don't play dat shit.

      - Oh no. Spike gave Celestia.....THE BLACK BOOK. THE NEIGHCRONOMICON. THE ANCIENT FORBIDDEN TOME OF ZEBRA NECROMANCY MOST FOUL. This....will not end well. *frantically packs saddlebags, buys one-way train ticket to Griffon territory*

      ReplyDelete
    98. @mycutiemarkisagun

      That was supposed to read 400. thanks for the catch.

      ReplyDelete
    99. I was wondering when we would get some new work from you EvenMotion. A great first chapter, especially the twins/Rainbow Dash stuff. Judging by Celestia's and Spike's interactions I'm assuming whatever mission they have involves Twilight in some form.

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    100. @EvenMotion

      Yeah. And MC Hammer sold more records than Public Enemy. Hint, hint.

      My feelings on that overrated Mary Sue fic are best summed up by that troll comic where Lauren Faust Falcon Punches her way through little Nyx's ribcage.

      ReplyDelete
    101. @mycutiemarkisagun Hahaha, I saw that comic too, I loved it! It really is a bit overrated though, the preposterous levels of Mary Sue in it it are almost sickening.

      ReplyDelete
    102. @Jelfes and mycutiemarkisagun

      I tried my hardest NOT to make these two Mary Sues. I personally feel that just because they're alicorn twins, it doesn't automatically make them Mary Sues. I have many thing's I've planned that will more than easily put them in line with everyone. Plus they are young.

      And as a side note, I liked what I read of Past Sins, and come on: Nyx is adorable as a filly. I just differ in opinion on what my OC's can do, and what Nyx could do. But this isn't the place for Nyx discussion when I have adorkable little fillies here :D.

      ReplyDelete
    103. This sequel intrigues me and I want to read more :-)

      ReplyDelete
    104. Congrats EvenMotion, I think you did a hell of a job with this one. I hope we at PFA had good advice for you over there, and I'm pleased to see such a positive show of hands on behalf of this work.

      My vote is... "Yes"! You will definitely go to the next round.

      I look forward to seeing your next Fan-Fic.

      ReplyDelete
    105. was looking at reading this... see part 2 desc- "well hmm i wonder TWILIGHT WHAT!"
      INSTASPOILED :C

      ReplyDelete
    106. @David-ism

      Yup, thanks again for the help.

      @Dr. Whooves

      The second one was designed to be able to read without reading the first one, thus the synopsis. Sorry for spoiling it for you. D:

      ReplyDelete
    107. Ohhhhhh dear, Spike and Celestia are attempting to bring Twilight back from the dead, aren't they? As frigging sad as the ending of Eversleep was, and as much as I share Rainbow's feelings and want to give her a hug,(two favorite ponies right there, so...yeah)...in a [Grimdark] fic I can't see that ending well.

      On the plus side, the twins are adorable as all get-out and I admit I got a little choked up at the bedtime story juxtaposed with the flashbacks. In fact, that's pretty much a direct continuation of my reaction from the epilogue with Dashie playing with the foals on the beach. So well played sir, well played.

      ReplyDelete
    108. Hi guys!
      I'm new here. Joined the bronyhood a few days ago...
      Anyways, I just wanted to share a few (unprofessional) thoughts about this genre:
      To the Author: You, sir/madame, are an excellent writer, all typos and grammatical errors aside. This is a fabulous story and I truly enjoyed the depth in it. Need more writers like you, hard to find good reads nowadays with an imagination and plot like this IMO.

      Now for the un-bronylike bashing:

      Although the story was well-written and insightful, I did NOT enjoy this plot. To be truthful and painfully blunt, it is not MLP.
      I know a lot of you here enjoy the whole [sad]/[grimdark] thing and there's nothing wrong with that, but let's be honest, at the end of the day it is nothing like the show and the show is the reason we are bronies, am I right? Ok, except for that troll over there...
      My point is that stories like this cause the true (happy) story of Equestria to sink into the grey emotional mist of every other dark page-turner you can find in the bookstore. The whole bit with Twi's sacrifice for Luna (and later on, her kids) was very familiar... not sure where I've read it before though.
      We're supposed to be about love and tolerance, not doom, death, and heartbreak. That belongs in another series.

      In a nutshell: keep it loving and happy, like Faust does, not gut-wrenching and dark and FOR CELESTIA'S SAKE, DON'T KILL THE MAIN PONIES!!!! Geez, I just keep replaying that scene where Twilight... NO!!! NONONO!!! It left a big empty hole in me where there should be pony.
      Seriously though, too dark, needs to lighten up a bit and be more relative to the actual ongoing story.

      Wow, I have rambled on far too long. Sorry for the long post, just needed to get that out. Maybe I'll be able to sleep now without hearing those crossbow bolts... OMC WHY!??

      ReplyDelete
    109. @CX4Ever
      I appreciate the comment. I'm sorry you don't like Grimdark/Sad, and I do understand your reasoning. Really, I do.
      On the other hand the show doesn't cover the darker aspects of life. I know it's not supposed to, its a kid show. The fun for me is finding how the other side of the MLP universe works, and making a good story about it is what I'm aiming to do. That's my two cents. :P

      As for the story itself, I find myself in the same problem as with the last time I wrote. I only have one fellow brony looking at my work to help edit it. If anyone wants to help me, please, please, please email me ([email protected]).

      The obvious perk is that you get to see the chapters before everyone else. It also helps speed up the posting of chapters.

      ReplyDelete
    110. @EvenMotion
      Hmmm.
      I appreciate your understanding. I guess the reason I like MLP so much is that it's a light-hearted break from the darkness of reality. So when you try to translate that darkness into a world like the MLP universe, I feel like it's just become our world with ponies. I get enough of that from anime. But hey, that's just me. I can almost BECOME part of the tale (kinda like photographic memory, only I can project myself into it, like watching a film), so it's hard for me to convince myself that it didn't happen in the real story.
      That's actually a compliment, because the more seamlessly you weave the fanfic with the actual story, the more realistic it gets.
      Anywhooves, I'd be delighted to help you with proofreading, probably might even get into writing one myself.
      Just send me an email ([email protected]) and I'll see what I can do. If my soul can survive...

      ReplyDelete
    111. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    112. I don't quite get the distaste for dark/grimdark/sad fanfics. Yes the show they're based off of is a light-hearted break from the things that make us human, but the main draw of fan-fiction is to create something that would never happen in the show, sometimes for fun, and sometimes for something else.

      The vast difference in who everybody's favorite pony is can only attest to the fact many fans feel an emotional connection to the personality of their favorite character, and not in a creepy way.

      When everything's going 100% well, there isn't much to build off that connection, where as with grimdark/sad stories, it deepens that emotional connection to a character.

      It's basically a play off our own human instinct to protect those we care about. For example, Cupcakes (curse that fanfic) made Rainbow Dash become my favorite character, because of the fact that as a reader, I couldn't do anything to help her, and therefore felt a much stronger emotional response to the conclusion.

      This fanfic made Twilight become my favorite character, because it took her personality from the show, and put her in an extraordinary situation.

      I never quite understood the draw people had towards grimdark and sad fiction, but I do think people have a certain addition to that "hole in your heart," feeling, because it both deepens the emotional connection to a particular character, and more fully immerses you into that world, because it's like you're there and can't do anything about it.

      Just my 2 cents.

      ReplyDelete
    113. I enjoyed the second chapter, please write more ^_^

      ReplyDelete
    114. @mycutiemarkisagun

      Yeah, I read that one a long time ago. My point of view on the subject of course, is the fact that an Alicorn is going to be looking at a very long wait before they ever see their loved ones again...

      That's why, at least in my personal interpretation of this fanon, I think that The Eversleep, in addition to being a way for the worn body of an Alicorn to regenerate it's magic, I think that it would be worthwhile if the spirit of the Alicorn could use that time to visit with past loved ones. I won't repeat any of the spoilerific things I discussed in private emails, but I do feel that this would be... a necessity, if an Alicorn is to stay sane.

      Evenmotion did give me a TV based example... but in all honestly, I didn't have cable TV for several years, so his example was swept clean over my head! LOL!!! :P

      Back to your story recommendation. As said, I did read it, and some time ago at that. I reread it, just because it's good. Sad, but good.

      Still... While To Be An Alicorn was indeed a sad story, it does pale in comparison to the overall timescales of the full life cycles of an Alicorn. TBaA only glances at Twilight's first 80 years... and the finality of that last loss she is forced to bear... she now has to watch it happen time and time again with strangers and new friends alike, and somehow find a way to even be able to face ponies she KNOWS she will outlive, and watch die, from the very moment they first meet. I would imagine within the fanon of that particular story, that Celestia must have been internally frantic with joy, unbearably grateful and relieved at the prospect of her beloved student not leaving her... Yet as with any Alicorn, there is that burden. A twinge of sadness has to dampen any excitement Celestia would have felt, as she now knows Twilight would now shoulder the burden she and Luna have borne and will bear for millennia.

      Funny how Twilights fate in that story vs this story form such utterly polar opposites. Near immortality (from the viewpoint of mere mortal ponies) vs the unfairness of an early death, life given in most noble sacrifice.

      Returning back to this story... That's why I feel the Eversleep must also serve as a rest for the spirit, and must include the oh so needed journey to be with loved ones that have long since passed on in death. That would be the reward, the sanity keeper, a break from the ceaseless heartbreak of millennia of watching loved once leave you.

      The great reunion in the sky! :)

      At least, that's the way I interpret the Alicorn spirit being allowed to leave the body. It needs a place to go, and what better place to go, than toward old friends.

      ReplyDelete
    115. Huh...starting to see where the [Light Shipping] is coming from, I -think-, but my own goggles might be getting in the way there.

      The lucid hallucination (what an oxymoron that is) where Dash is calmly holding a conversation with Twilight was surreal, to say the least, but a damned cool moment.

      Looking forward to more!

      ReplyDelete
    116. Glad to hear that many (hopefully all) of you are enjoying it. I do hope you continue to. :D

      ReplyDelete
    117. @Navy Brony
      Very true. That's why I hate and love these sad/grimdark fanfics at the same time. I guess what I'm wanting is for the grimdark/sad to be there, but for it to have a happy resolution.

      Like you said, it brings the reader very close to the characters, but makes them feel just how far away they are from them. That "protection instinct" makes it that much worse when they get into trouble and start to suffer. Happens to me every time I read something well-written like this. It doesn't matter if it's an MLP fanfic or Lord of the Rings (Though that's a bit easier to take, since most of the main characters actually survive. The bit with Frodo leaving in the end still gives me a sad).

      In the end, it's the feeling of the "hole in the heart" that attracts and repels readers. It is such a bittersweet emotion, it tears you in two, but you want to read more.

      And I stand in agreement with you about Cupcakes. That was just... uncalled-for.

      In the end, I started by commenting on this fanfic...
      and now I'm helping to edit it =/
      I'm such a hypocrite...

      ReplyDelete
    118. this, my friend, was fucking depressing
      5/5

      ReplyDelete
    119. @CX4Ever

      Cupcakes was gory for the sake of being gory.

      This story is grimdark because it involves a (mostly) realistic portrayal of war, and how war would effect the world we love and know as Equestria.

      I don't know why people refuse to read grimdark for this reason. Grimdark does not mean, "like Cupcakes." It's like refusing to watch Saving Private Ryan because it's rated the same as Black Christmas (an absolutely horrendous movie I never want to waste time on again).

      Note this isn't entirely a reply for you, but more for those that are afraid to read this story because of the grimdark label.

      ReplyDelete
    120. @Navy Brony
      Agreed, though I've never watched either of those movies, so I don't get the comparison.

      I will say that this story is getting verrrry interesting. Can't wait for the next chapter! Helps me pass the time until Saturday...

      No rush though, Evenmotion (if you're reading this), quality before quantity (and self before fanfic)!

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    121. @ CX4Ever
      Quality indeed. I take pride in trying to make this the best story some of you ponies have ever read. Thats what I strive for. I'm really working hard at it.


      To everypony else:
      I really hope you are all enjoying the stories. I really enjoy writing them, but I like it more when you're all enjoying it.

      ReplyDelete
    122. Well I gotta say . . . saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad face :( and then happy face :)and now confused face :/ Make more!

      ReplyDelete
    123. I guessed about halfway through that the sheer verisimilitude of Dash's hallucinations might be related to whatever it is Celestia is up to. That end there was a minor mind screw but it's looking like that is, in fact, the case.

      We also learned that you Don't. Fuck. With. Celestia. Seriously.

      Anyhow...things are obviously starting to kick into high hear. As always, great chapter and eagerly awaiting the next.

      Also, was listening to "Everything In Its Right Place" by Radiohead while reading this chapter. Felt like it fit pretty well.

      ReplyDelete
    124. aww hell, shit be going down up in equestria

      ReplyDelete
    125. @Magnetman

      Trust me on this- Yes, yes it is.

      ReplyDelete
    126. Well shit.

      If you kill off Twilight for a second time, I will hunt you down personally and feed you to a hydra.

      ReplyDelete
    127. By Celestia's Mane! Thou hast impressed me with thy literary skills and pulling an Optimus Prime- An Optimus Prime being bringing her back to life. But don't bring her back to life just so she can die just so you can bring her back to life again. G1 Optimus Prime's resurrection was confusing.

      ReplyDelete
    128. i honestly have no idea what the buck is going on anymore, this is crazy.

      and if you kill off twilight again i will make sure the last moments of your life are spent in writhing agony

      ReplyDelete
    129. damn Dashie, A Beautiful Mind style?

      This fanbase always wants to make Rainbow Dash either suffer or cum, I swear. XD

      ReplyDelete
    130. @ Lady Luna and Clonetrooperkev

      Well, you'll just have to read it through to see what happens?

      @ Magnetman

      I prefer the term "interesting" rather than crazy.

      I hope you're all still enjoying the story! :D

      ReplyDelete
    131. hory sheet, this story is getting better and better.

      ReplyDelete
    132. Wow, yeah this is shaping up to be way better than the original. That's pretty damn rare for *any* fanfic. I swear that Dusk and Dawn are the first Mane 6 OC offspring to really seem believable. When you've got me (ME!), a grimdark fan that loves watching ponies crawl through hell on broken hindlegs, genuinely dreading what's going to happen to those two....YOU'RE DOING IT RIGHT.

      I *should* feel bad for Celestia, but um....no, nope, sorry, reap wat u sew, that's what you get for FUCKING. WITH. NECROMANCY. MOST. FOUL. Oh when oh when will unicorns and alicorns learn that Winners Don't Use Necromancy™? But there you go, committing the atrocity of Pony Transmutation O Solar One and expecting positive results. Pfft. Tia's lucky to still have her left forehoof after that mess. "PONIES DON'T COME BACK FROM THE DEAD ROSE. NOT EVER. ಠ_ಠ"

      oh and Twilight's fate reminds me of this classic Perry Bible Fellowship strip: (ah who am I kidding, they're all classic)

      http://pbfcomics.com/126

      ReplyDelete
    133. Grimdark -and- normal make sense on this to me.

      It's not horrifying, it's not squicky but it's not 'normal' either. Too dark to be normal, too light (comparatively) to be grimdark.

      ReplyDelete
    134. Well, I think it's safe to say the excretions have hit the oscillations. Like I said earlier, in a [Grimdark] fic I can't see the use of Neighcromancy ending well. But if you kill off Twilight again, I'm gonna be joining Lady Luna up there in her hunt. XD

      Interesting that RD told AJ about her hallucinations, given her personality that seems like something she'd keep bottled up for fear of appearing crazy or whatever.

      So...yeah. Still very much enjoying this, although I'm a bit worried as to what's going to happen to Celestia and Ponyville in the meantime if Dawn, Dash, and Optimus Sparkle are going to the dragons.

      ReplyDelete
    135. @EvenMotion

      Just so you know, I treat this story as one of my top 3. I Love your work so much that I refuse to read it until I see it completed. :) I honestly don't think I could wait in between chapters.

      ReplyDelete
    136. @Ice Storm

      I'm absolutely flattered! ^_^
      But if you want to reconsider, this is going to be a long one. :D

      ReplyDelete
    137. "hey guys! lets bring back twilight sparkle and put her in a coma! that will really piss off the fans!" "GENIUS!!!"
      you truly are a genius and altering my emotions, confound it, evenmotion, you drive me to rage/baww!

      ReplyDelete
    138. as reward for good writing, I bestow upon thee bullet point style long form comment snarkiness:

      - omfg, its the cutest sweetest dawwwwwiest slumber party evar and Tia had to screw it up by whipping out the Duracell Lithium-Ion Orphan Heart Batteries. Fuck this universe's incompetent-ass Celestia lol. She's like the Ziggy Sobotka of the Equestrian Universe's Celestias. (alright, maybe that's going overboard. Wire fans whattup.)

      - Twi's unconscious. Well of course she is and we'll have to wait like 187 frickin chapters for the big happy reunion w/ Dusk & Dawn. *punches hole in drywall*

      - Every time a FIM fanfic does a scene in a hospital room with modern medical monitoring equipment, Lauren Faust kills a puppy.

      - Oh, look at Celestia go! She's a regular Light Yagami after he gives up the Death Note! Necromantic Blood Magic? What Necromantic Blood Magic? GOTTA BE CAREFUL LUNA, YOU KNOW HOW CAREFUL I ALWAYS AM.

      ReplyDelete
    139. @mycutiemarkisagun

      Umm... you derped...

      Episode 15, Feeling Pinkie Keen.

      Twilight Sparkle attaches Pinkie to monitoring equipment to try to find a cause for her "Pinkie Sense" twitcha-twitches.

      Episode 14, Suited For Success.
      DJ Pon3 uses a modern looking double turntable for Rarity's fashion show.

      Word of Faust
      Technical devices in Equestria, rather than being run by a power grid, are typically enchanted by unicorns and derive their power from said magical power source.

      And if you want, i can even throw in Pinkies Flying machine as a primitive example of technology. Earth ponies are building flying machines. Not a real impressive example of technology, but proof that not everything in Equestria's gotta be splained by magic (Episode 5, Griffon the Brush-Off).

      I feel no reason why there should be any issue with medical equipment existing in Equestria.

      I'd be writing a mighty strongly worded letter to the Princesses about the direction of the nation's medical and technological research, if I were an Equestrian, and I saw all those frivolous uses of that newfangled technology, and discovered nopony was even trying to apply it to health and medicine! Also, one hay of a run-on sentence there! Wow!

      So there.

      I'll sacrifice the puppy myself if you like!
      You prefer collie, lab, or plain old mutt? ♋☽

      ReplyDelete
    140. @mycutiemarkisagun

      To be fair to Celestia, Cunning did make her forget that she stupidly raised Twilight from the dead, so she's not feigning ignorance of why Twilight is alive, she actually is in this regard.

      -I feel I'm overstepping my bounds(I may be already) if I reveal anymore than this but-- Twilight's coma/unconsciousness will not be long term.

      ReplyDelete
    141. Oh yes... I had also forgotten. In addition to show canon. In the toy line, the ridiculously priced "Canterlot Castle" playset that comes with a Shine Brite Princess Luna and a tinsel hair Pinkie Pie happens to feature a Microwave oven and a TV depicted in the background artwork of the toy. Obviously not show canon, but definitely toy canon.

      Once you reach the level where you have electromechanical body scanning devices, and you have CRT based tech, it's only a hop, skip, and a jump to CRT based medical devices. Add a pinch of magical unicorn enchantment applied to some silicon control crystal (LOL, I had to say that), and you have a device that can even provide image persistence and detailed readout data and even analysis.

      At least, that's my take.

      ReplyDelete
    142. Ooh! Nerd mode in me says that unicorns could possibly use their magic to etch "logical flowcharts" onto certain types of crystals, like little maps. They could generate "logic runes" at each point of logic... I could totally see that behind the scenes, it'd totally be tech, but powered by magic, created by magic, and shit, even explained by magic!

      Who ever said I don't gotta explain nuttin' 'cause it's magic!

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    143. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    144. @iastfan112

      Not stepping over the boundaries, this time. If I brought her back to put her in a coma, why not leave her? It's sorta common sense to me that the coma is temporary. I hope it is the same for anyone else.

      Also,
      @richfiles

      There is some sort of "electricity". In Episode 8: Look Before You Sleep, during the ghost story, Twilight uses a flashlight to tell it and then become the headless horse. Then while they're screaming she walks over to the wall and then flicks a light switch to turn on the lights.

      ReplyDelete
    145. @EvenMotion

      Yup, forgot about that one, but that too. A magical power source would provide power for the light, the switch, is a simple matter of convenience, just as it is for us. While a unicorn could likely operate the light remotely, a pegasus or earth pony simply could not. If a pony has the luxury of magically powered electric lighting in their home or place of business, switches would be expected. Those who use lamps would still be required to manually operate them by extending the wicks.

      Thanks for the reminder!

      inb4 someone starts a general tech in equestria discuss... AW HORSE MANURE! :)

      ReplyDelete
    146. It is okay I failed in my promise to myself when it was released. I then had to bang my head up against a wall to unlearn the story so I could read it again :)

      ReplyDelete
    147. My three favorite ponies and Twilight's adorable alicorn filly all heading off into the unknown together?

      That would be incredibly heartwarming if it weren't for the sense of creeping doom you're rather excellently building up here, EvenMotion.

      Now, that said...if I were Luna in this situation I'd have absolutely put my hoof down and let Twilight meet their daughters. I would hardly consider it selfish for her to want to see Twilight again and for her to see the twins, and the little show Celestia put on absolutely reeks of her being emotionally manipulative (which, granted, makes sense given her current puppetized condition). She says...thinks...whatever it herself - they deserve to meet Twilight, and to hell with Celestia's fears.

      Anyways, good stuff, can't wait for moar, yadda yadda yadda just hurry up with the next chapter, lol. =P

      ReplyDelete
    148. oh sugarz, 6chapters to catch up?? oh my eyes

      ReplyDelete
    149. So how long do you think Endless Sky is going to be? It already has as many chapters as The Eversleep and it feels like things are just getting started.

      Reread the whole thing and it has a wonderful sense of foreboding. Keep it up.

      ReplyDelete
    150. @Hagil

      It'll be a lot longer than the previous story for sure. As for an actual length, I only have a rough idea. As you said, things are just getting started. :D

      ReplyDelete
    151. That was unimaginably sad for me...
      My comment is spoilery
      Dusk and Dawn... they don't even know about Twilight yet, this just kills me so hard :(
      WHY TWILIGHT WHY HER
      Why not RAINBOW
      *rants and raves*
      But... altogether... this was an amazing story, a bit fast paced at points where i was thinking lolwut,it's just places where things could have been explained a bit more than they were.
      ex. Any scene with thatoneponythatnightmarecontroled
      Yes that one
      I only disliked the presentation at points
      GO READ IT

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    152. I think Cunning wants to possess Twilight like it did with the Headmaster. The perfect shield from Luna and Celestia, if a bit cliche. Or maybe one of the fillies.

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    153. @Darkforce2K

      After I finish Endless Sky, I plan on completely revising (and probably expanding) The Eversleep. In retrospect, I agree that there was more I could have done with it. But as it was my first fanfic ever, I was more willing to plow through it excitedly than to think and expand like in the sequel.

      @Natzo

      You'll have to wait and see what I do with the story :D

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    154. just finished the first story, and I have but one thing to say... SON OF A BITCH!!!

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    155. Hey EvenMotion, are you still active with this story? This story is definitely one of the best I have ever read, and it would be a shame to leave it at such a cliffhanger :(

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    156. Also, once you have COMPLETED Endless Sky, I think you should definitely go write a novel. Your writing is just Amazing and I would definitely go buy your book ^^

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    157. and yeah I'm with people up there, Better leave the good sided characters relativity intact or else I'll go screaming into the night xD

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    158. @pinkydash - I'm totally still active with this story. I'm writing chapter 14 as I type this. Since I only have on person helping me edit, things have slowed down big time with releasing it.

      I want to write a book, but I get bored of it kinda quick. Fan-fiction? Never bored.


      Also! Since I have someone graciously helping me, it is terribly unfair to dump tons of work on him especially when he already has school to worry about. If anypony else in the community can help out, please, please, please email me at

      [email protected]

      Thanks! 11 is coming soon!

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    159. I am so emotionally attached to Dusk & Dawn its ridiculous. You totally have me by the balls, Author.

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    160. @mycutiemarkisagun

      Cool. I suppose I'm doing it right, then :P

      Also, for those that think I can pump out all of these words this fast - I can't. I was sitting on 4 completed and un-edited chapters. I'm almost caught up to myself.

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    161. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    162. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    163. Wow! I mean it really! I'm not a big reader of books, but somehow your story caught my attention. Made me sad to see Twilight die. Never have I read anything that actually made me sad in a way. Glad to see more coming and as I was reading was trying to picture what some things would look as a cartoon with this much gore. My mind just couldn't take it anymore. You got me hooked.

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    164. When Luna revealed Dusk and Dawn to Rainbow Dash it was very endearing. They were part of what was left of Twilight made me love them even more. This story has so many things on a level I never would've imagined, but I love all the same. Can't wait for more of the story. I only have 5 more chapters until I wait for the rest of this epic tale to roll on out. It will be like waiting for a new episode every week to come out. I gotta give you one big brohoof. Keep it coming. Can't wait for the prequel either.

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    165. Oh god, more updates when there's other things to take care of...!! Nice story going, I'll make sure to catch up, so Please keep it going and thank you!

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    166. well, I see the second season finale really screwed the second story over

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    167. Nope. I've just been behind - stuff is coming. If anything, Season 2 has helped a bit.

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    168. Oh shit, he replaced Celestia. I wonder, how long are you planning to do this fic?

      I mean, The Eversleep was only 8 chapters long, though it had less development.

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    169. @Natzo

      I originally planned on 4 "parts", but I'm about to finish aforementioned part, and I'm not at the end of the storyline. I'll go until it finishes - don't want to rush it and have it come out sloppy.

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