Description: Applejack is trying to drown her sorrows in playing, singing and, well, alcohol, when a certain blue pegasus shows upA Night At The Bar
Description: Applejack is trying to drown her sorrows in playing, singing and, well, alcohol, when a certain blue pegasus shows upA Night At The Bar
12 comments:
You put applebloom instead of applejack in the labels
dawww
Silly Sethisto, everyone knows TwiDash is where it's at.
This was a nice story, if a bit short. My only problem with it was that the narration probably shouldn't have applejack's speaking style. Even when narrating about her thoughts, if it's in the third person, it should probably be in a neutral tone. Nice job, though!
> pinkiedash forever
quite
@Anonymous
Yeah, sorry about the weird narration. Like I told Sethisto, I haven't done any writing of even minor length in YEARS. I'm hoping this will get me back on the applecart in terms of my old abilities.
This is -fantastic!- Short but ever so sweet. Stories like these are the only kinda stories I can bring myself to read. Some kind of euphoric sense comes over me, like my heart's been touched with warmth and ecstasy.
And boy, do I like it. Doesn't get in way of judgement though! And this is a great example of 'big stuff in small packages'
@Anonymous
THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES FOR THIS
Dash x EVERYPONY is the best imo.
>pinkiedash forever
>nope.png
@Anonymous
While I do not entirely agree with the idea that third person narration should always be in the neutral tone (3rd persona omniscient v. limited and psychic distance, look it up pal), I have to agree I was a bit thrown off by the tone of the narration. No, actually, for the most part it was okay, just this one part, the third sentence in the second paragraph, is what bugs me--the use of all the contractions here makes it seem like it's supposed to be first person and, since it's more conversational than any of the other non-dialogue or thought lines, it seems incredibly incongruous. I think if you made this into an actual thought AJ is having it'd sound a lot better.
Lessee, what else...oh yeah, with the actual dialogue, you need to let it stand on its own. Try to avoid using adverbs and such to describe the character's speech unless entirely necessary. For example, you don't have to say that Dash whispered "questioningly" when we clearly see she's asking a question or that Dash was "mimicking [Applejack's] own manner of speech" when it's obvious from the actual words.
@Anonymous
Like I said, I'm terribly rusty. I'll likely be fixing it up this week at some point.
Manly tears
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