Description: Story based off a thread from /co/ saying how Lyra's mom meeting Lyra's wife Bon-Bon happens.
aw that was very cute and I must say I have a weak spot for happy endings =3
This brings to mind the phrase: Less is more.There are so many unnecessary details, unnecessary sentences, unnecessary paragraphs.This is a very good idea for a story, but I think that it could have been executed a lot better. Just as an example, it would have been more impactful if you'd omitted the part of the first paragraph after the time skip where you inform the reader that Lyra and Bon Bon are in love, and saved that reveal to the reader until the reveal to the mother.Also, having a large paragraph of exposition at the beginning is best avoided; try to sprinkle the details of the relevant parts of your characters' pasts in among the dialog and action, rather than in big walls of text.As you write more, you'll get a feel for what you need to include and what you don't need to include. So write more! I look forward to seeing more from you.
Very cute idea but your writing needs a bit of work. Try to trim down on the unnecessary sentences and I feel it is better to show some things rather then flat out tell.
Here's the original thread from /co/.
It was pretty cute, but there are quite a few issues with general structure and grammar. Try not to use the same word twice in the one paragraph, it makes things... flow for some reason.
@SethistoYou mean "not flow", right?Also, ow my head after multiple sentences of "Lyra" happening over and over again. You made quite the example of how "less is more", though, so I give you extraordinary kudos for doing that for us, although it wasn't your original intention.
@Ebon ManeThanks for the input. I'm afraid going into extra detail is just a natural thing for me. I guess I just like details a lot they allow me to picture what I'm writing really well, but I guess I need to keep some in my head instead. I'll also keep in mind the advice about large paragraphs at the beginning, I did felt it was a bit long but I didn't seem to mind at the time since I just wrote this whole thing in one go in spur of the moment. @SethistoYea it looks like my grammar and structure still need some work, I'll the idea in mind about same words in a paragraph for next time I write.@ZarkanorfYea I apologize for that. I guess it sort of just ended up happening, I think I get self conscious if I start using words like she and he too much so I end up overusing names.Well it certainly was not my original intention but I'm happy to be of any help I can. I want to make things as enjoyable as possible for readers and the community because I love it. Anyways I thank everyone for their suggestions I'll try to improve myself next time. I guess its quite obvious I'm not an experienced writer, but you enjoyed the story anyway despite its flaws which means a lot to me.Thanks
@Ebon ManeI'm glad you liked the idea for the story. I'm also very thankful for your input you seem to know your way around a story. I'm afraid going into detail is just something I do naturally. I feel it helps me visualize what I'm writing a lot better, but I suppose I should try to keep those details in my head. I'll keep in mind the advice about the exposition. As you can most likely tell I have not written very much yet, so I hope as I write more I will be able to write something you'll really enjoy.
@SethistoYea my grammar and structure could use a bit of work. But I feel this I improved a little bit from my last story. I'll try to not use the same word twice in one paragraph, I definitely know this rule except sometimes it was tough for me to think of other words.@ZarkanorfYea I apologize for that. I think that mainly happened because I get self conscious if I use "she" and "he" too much so I just end up overusing names. I'm also glad I was able to do some good for others even if it was unintentional. I'm glad to help in anyway I can since I love this community.
@locojomI'm glad you liked it! Happy endings are the only type of things I want to write. Anyways I'm glad you guys enjoyed it even despite its errors, it makes me really happy. Its obvious that I'm not an experienced writer but I'll try to improve myself so I can write things you all will truly enjoy. All of your suggestions will help me become a better writer so I can create better stories.
Anyways I'm glad you guys enjoyed my story despite all its errors, it makes me really happy. Its obvious that I'm not an experienced writer, but I will try to improve my writing so I can make something you all will truly enjoy.By the way I had to split up my comments because apparently if they are too long they just disappear ( I guess I need to think about less is more with my comments as well huh), so please don't think I'm trying to flood comments numbers, thats not my intention I just want to give my appreciation to everyone. Also I think this error with comments only occurs using the reply box for posting, since Ebon mare's comment is just as long as the the ones I tried to make.
@VanderblastWhenever I write a story, I know a lot more about the characters, the setting, even the body language that occurs during conversations, than I ever write down. Having a good mind for details is an asset in writing, as long as you also develop a filter to keep things that aren't strictly necessary in your head and off the page.And we all start somewhere. Keep writing and I'm sure that you'll do great things eventually.
@Ebon ManeThanks that's really encouraging. I'll try to start asking myself whether or not I should add detail to something here or there, or if it can be explained later through dialogue.
I liked it. Sweet story.
@VanderblastIt wazs a great premise... Most my issues were mentioned above, and that can be solved with a good editor brony. Find someone on /co/, /fic/, or IRC it work live with to do the editing, but limit it to one or two bronies. Too many chefs ruin the soup, & too many editors/proofreaders ruin the story.I think my only REAL non-edit issue was the ending was too neat. I have upper-class family. You turn your back on them, you're out. It wouldn't have had this 'happy' ending. Other than that and what can be fixed with the help of an editor/proofreader brony, it was fine.
@Roy G. BivYea maybe I will enlist the help of a fellow brony the next time I complete a story. Regarding your idea for the ending, I don't come from upper class myself so I wouldn't know but I based it off the thread posted earlier. Even setting that thread aside I feel I would still write a happy ending since thats what I like to do. Giving these ponies a sad ending would leave a bad taste in my mouth.
Well ? Despite what many people said and seem to think... I had no trouble whatsoever at reading the whole story. Which I enjoyed reading.As for Lyra and Bon-Bon's love being said ''too early''... What is the problem ?I found that it was perfectly ok... We, the readers, already know that... It's like saying to wait to reveal that Pinky Pie is hyperactive or that Spike loves Rarity, it's kinda obvious already ! ...and in any cases, the Mother, her, didn't know and the revealation was done relatively smoothly.
I played the role of Lyra's mother in the original thread. I'm glad you liked it so much as to base a story on it - and I love what you did with it.
@AnonymousWell Anon I am so glad you liked it. I loved what you did in that thread so much, it just inspired me to write the story. To be honest I've been having trouble getting myself to write and thanks to you I know the solution. I just need to let my ideas create themselves on their own, I can't force anything out. When I thought about the thread everything just popped into my head and it was an amazing feeling. Again I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Ok heres my opinion. I'll start with the positives: I like how you captured the personality of Lyra, the pony born into an uncaring aristocratic family that wants nothing more than to be a commoner. You also created an intersting language factor that seperated the aristocratic ponies from the commoners, having the aristocrats speak in a more refined and elegent maner, while the plebian spoke in a normal language. I liked the subtability there.Now time for the negatives: I (along with most ponies) dont like to stare at a wall of words, quite frankly it hurts my eyes. BUT that does not mean you have to eliminate anything, just brak up the walls into more manageable paragraphs, just so its more user friendly. Next, to be honest, I did not like the ending. IRL an aristocrat would sooner abandon a problem child than make amends. I think you should have had the mother not be so willing to accept Lyra's new life and wife. But that does not mean you have to make it a sad ending. Remember Lyra still has Bon-Bon, and for true lovers all they need is eachother. All in all I liked it, and I would love it if you wrote more. Just keep writing and you will improve!
@AnonymousI definitely agree about the wall of text part. Looking at it now it is quite a large wall. It mainly ended up that way because when I write I just kind of keep going and going, and I haven't grasped how to properly split up what I'm writing yet. I know the ending would not be how most aristocrats act but like in the description I based that whole scene off a thread and liked how it went so I stayed true to it. Personality and human, well pony action is almost impossible to predict for all situations, so who is to say Lyra's mother is not the type of high class pony who will make amends? That aside I did think about the type of ending you mention but I wrote this all in one shot out of nowhere and I got done at like 2 am and I was more than content with it. Thanks for your input and I'll do my best to make another story you'll enjoy when it comes to me.
Holy shit, someone actually made a fanfic about this?http://img62.imageshack.us/img62/9994/smom.pngI was the first greentext post
@AnonymousYea, I enjoyed writing it very much, your post inspired me, I thank you a lot. Also to the anon above you, I did respond to you and your suggestions and comments but apparently the daily doesn't like my long responses so they disappear and then re-appear randomly. It'll show up eventually.
Hands down best story I read about this couple!
The formatting is wonky.