• Story: The Fifth




    [Dark][Adventure] "Hyperviolent and dark as hell... but It has that noir vibe to it in spades... Ready for primetime" - Pre-reader #3

    Author: Garnot
    Description: While investigating a string of violent crimes in Canterlot, detective Gro'gar—a pony of sordid past and uncertain future—stumbles upon a conspiracy that reveals one of the nation's oldest evils is raising once again. Together with a young Shining Armor and a former cultist filly much like himself, he'll have to uncover the terrible truth before the shadowy cabal makes its next deadly move in their bid for control. What he uncovers—and the battles he subsequently wages—will test his resolve, integrity, and very nature.

    After all, monsters are not born. Monsters are made. Not even Gro'gar is safe from this fate
    The Fifth

    Additional Tags:  Noire, "Quite Dark", Alternate Universe, return of the old ones, detective, pulp, monster, Grogar, Tambelon

    48 comments:

    1. I'm not sure where this is going.

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    2. Is there some sort of alternate link for those of us without DA accounts?

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    3. Link to Google Docs for anyone who needs it.

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1BCo3GTwoHJOVD8vqENw9nAN-W9NrCExHQhZBIasYtHE/edit?hl=en

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    4. This is pretty interesting, being a fan of many old Gangster Noirs. What next? A Pony Prohibition FanFic?

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    5. @Chris

      Boardtrot Empire

      On PBO; Pony Box Office.

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    6. @Chris

      Thanks for all the help proofing this story. could not have done it without ye.

      And for those wondering, yes, this is alternate timeline. Luna never went dark, the elements remain dormant, and many of the main cast never have met (except for two special cases, but that's in the next chapter).

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    7. @Garnot

      Heh, there's actually two of us (at least) here who post as 'Chris.'

      But you're welcome, it was no trouble at all.

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    8. Violence usually isn't my thing, but I had to read it after seeing "Bogart Maltese" in the description. Very, very nice reference.

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    9. This was good. It was really, really damn good.
      Only downside is that now I feel like throwing my own stories in the garbage.

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    10. @Anonymous

      Don't you dare Anon! Keep writing, and everything will fall into place soon enough.

      Glad you like the story. Next chapter should (hopefully) be up within a week or so; gotta take care of school and work.

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    11. You weren't kidding with this "dark as hell"

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    12. Can't wait for the next part of this! One of the few grimdark stories that I actually want to read to the end.

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    13. This isn't a fan fic.
      This needs to be a book.

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    14. Hehe, yes, indeed, for there ARE two 'Chris' out there :P

      I just forgot to add my last part...

      - Bongo

      (There we go. Confusion is now over)

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    15. Yo Garnot, this is really good.

      No offense but why aren't you writing this as a book, and instead writing this as a fanfic?
      Because honestly this could work really well for you.

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    16. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    17. @Anonymous

      Well, I am working on an original story (which is also a neo-noir; my area of expertise) that I plant to turn into a book, provided I find a good proofreader or two and good publicist. The story is-as one of my friends and mentor put it-"What happens when Brave New World meets 1984, meets Watchmen, sleeps with Sin-city and is then forced to take organ implants from a Clockwork Orange."

      Of course, he exaggerated, but it got me thinking.

      As to why I write this as a fanfic? well, I enjoy the new MLP, and I also enjoy the fan base. Why can't I, an inspiring writer, not have fun weaving tales for other to enjoy? It also provides good practice, and practice is something I need.

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    18. @Garnot

      What happened to me comment?!

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    19. @Anonymous

      Something went wrong, so I'll just repost what I had originally written.

      Well, I am working on a story (which is also a Neo-Noir; my area of expertise) that I plant to turn into a book, provided I find a good proofreader or two and good publicist.

      As to why I write this story as Fanfiction rather than a book? Well, I like the the show and I like the fanbase. As an inspiring writer, I wish to wave tales for other to enjoy, while at the same time furthering my own skills as a writer. It's fun and educational; no other reasons are really needed.

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    20. Looks like Blogger's on the fritz again. Can one of the mods remove all of the unnecessary replies?

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    21. First off, freaking brilliant story man. Its dark at the begging, but it truly shines because of this. If any story on this site can prove that Ponies can be made to fit a more serious demographic, this is it.

      So far, no real continuity issues nor plot holes. Everything is well explained,leaving plenty of room for further exploration or fan expansion.

      Bogart's character, while developed thus far, can be so much more, and so can Rarity. I assume Pinkie is going to be in the next part. Will she too get her own little section?

      About the only thing that this story lacks is exposure. I mean, only a handful Ratings and comments? People need to give this story a better chance.

      BTW, what's with the three comments on your part? did you mess up or is was it Blogger's fault? Maybe you should Email Seth and let him know to remove some of the extra comments.

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    22. Hahaha, this is pretty great. Can't wait for more.

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    23. Dude....... where is the moar?

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    24. ah! leaving a comment here!

      as I already said someewhere else, I like this story and the twist it is taking. Dialogues are well done and I like very much the descriptive parts, overall a good one, really ^_^

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    25. Its certainly violent and GrimDark, but I have to say that I like the way you've utilized Rarity and the dialogue is well-written.

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    26. I can't wait for more, I just read the main story and I'm starting the side story.

      This is done well. The plot is given very unobtrusively and it gives such a great explanation for everything happening. This is a great way to introduce noire into the ponyverse. Better, I think, than just handing it to us like it's expected because it's "noire."

      I can only imagine how far you really plan to go with this. I eagerly await every chapter from here on our.

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    27. And that was one of the saddest things I've ever read.

      Fuuuuuu

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    28. @NinesTempest

      Wait till you read the conclusion. But alas, Finals come first, then it's story time.

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    29. The music,the music just adds to the immersion.
      I was nearly brought to tears by the memories music.

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    30. @Garnot
      Don't make me baw like a baby you asshole, I haven't done that in this fandom yet. Looks like you're going to make me with this though.

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    31. Damn, I liked the prologue and loved chapter 1. Can't wait for more. Noir pony really is best pony.

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    32. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    33. The music is an amazing touch; it's great how you managed to find the perfect music for so many different scenes! I only wish the whole thing were more steamlined; however, I don't know how that would even work short of you getting your own website to do it.

      As for the story, it's amazing. It's definitely [Grimdark], but it's of such a rich quality that it doesn't deserve the stigma associated with the tag.

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    34. hate you seth in a good way... you made me cry ;_;

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    35. Was I the only one who ended up hearing Bogart's narration in Max Payne's voice?

      If that was the author's intention, then well done! You've really captured the style of the game's narration.

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    36. Overwhelming urge to make a fanfic set in your universe. You've told a wonderful story here,and i look forward to the next update.

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    37. @911c6720-e17a-11e0-b79a-000bcdcb8a73

      By all means, I welcome it. Equestria Noir is a tale that - just like the Pulp stories and Noir comics that inspired it - begs to have multiple tales told. Anyone's welcome to pitch in, so long as the mood's right, the writing's solid, and the story is well-crafted.

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    38. Welp, I know whats gonna be my next project. Dont expect it to be done in a few days though, im a slow writer. ^_^'

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    39. @911c6720-e17a-11e0-b79a-000bcdcb8a73

      Awesome. Just make sure you run it by me before posting it up. Either contact me here or on Ponychan.

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    40. @Garnot
      Hey, this is the above guy, I just tweaked some things (no longer using an AIM account to post..).
      I was wondering if I could email you instead, since im not sure how to contact you in either of those ways. Since I have no qualms about posting my email here, but you might, you can just send me a message, and ill get your address that way.
      Email:
      [email protected]

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    41. @Sanctus

      Fine by me. I'll send you a message ASAP.

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    42. Hi, listen, I'm pretty new on this blogosphere and Internet thing, so I don't know if there's a sort of "subscription" method that I can use 4rx in order to receive notifications of your new entries...? Thing is I enjoy reading your blog a lot and I'd like to be up to date with your posts!

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    43. Bogart's character, while developed thus far, can be so much more, and so can Rarity. I assume Pinkie is going to be in the next part. Will she too get her own little section?

      xlpharmacy

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    44. This reads like a parody fic. It's as if the author read Altered Carbon, followed by Watchmen, then played Max Payne, all in one day, and decided to toss ponies into the mix. Nearly everything in the story is ripped off from some outside source, and the narration is outright laughable at points.

      Here, two small samples of the hilarity:

      "...but that was one of the beauties of being a unicorn; magic made it possible to shoot such hand cannons effectively and - and as we all know - magic is quite the handy tool to have when the whole world is bearing down on you.
      my weapon was a modified ebony-colored peacekeeper revolver I had nicknamed 'Negotiator'. She fired .44 caliber death-dealers, and she never missed."

      "The police finished cleaning up the scene, leaving it cleaner than it had been before."

      Brilliant stuff.

      Also, the readiness with which the author namedrops things as (I suppose?) attempted references is alarming:

      "Name's Bogart, Bogart Maltese. I'm a charcoal-coated, green eyed, light-gray maned unicorn born in the far off human continent known as The Federation. When on duty, I wear black and grey riot gear similar to the one once worn by Civil Protection soldiers on top of which I sported a weathered brown duster that had at one point had been my partner's."


      Honestly, though, the major problem of this fic is that its narration is so melodramatic as to be laughable. This is a bad thing when you're trying to write a noir story.

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    45. @P.D. Trindall

      All of your points are valid. Yes, the story's current state is laughable, I'll admit. I really haven't gone back to fix much of what was broken in the first place. Also, the fic could be seen as a parody, but really, I wrote it as a partial satire, tossing Noir into the mix because I myself find an affinity to Noir. References and all that are part of the idea for the fic, after all, this is a tale written in the pony world.

      That said, I have no excuse for ever writing this. It is for this reason that I've gone back to overhaul the tale significantly. It will still retain its satiric elements, but it will hopefully be less "melodramatic" and more fluent story wise.

      Keep an eye out for the Overhaul.

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