Issue #22 PDF
Issue #22 Video
THE GREATEST THREAT EQUESTRIA HAS EVER KNOWN
An editorial by Joe Stevens
I want to take a moment to talk to you, Equestria, about a problem facing our world. You see, there is a threat, a threat to Equestria greater than all other threats combined. No, not Scootaloo, we’re pretty sure she only wants to bother the EI, and no, not Derpy Hooves. We’re pretty sure she “breaks things” on purpose just to collect money in a giant insurance scam, though that’s strictly speculation. I’m not even referring to Rainbow Dash. She may be a living weapon of mass destruction but the ability to destroy a city is insignificant next to the power of this force. I am, of course, referring to Pinkie Pie.
This threat, this lingering threat has been building unseen for years. You won’t hear this from the Celestia administration and don’t trust the media on this, you’ll only hear this from the Equestria Inquirer. You see, Pinkie Pie has it within her power and her desire to see the very nature of Equestria destroyed – I know, I was once unwise like you. Folks, I am just a messenger, I am nothing special, but heed my words: this threat is real.
Think about it, Pinkie Sense, party cannons, and have you seen her break Twilight’s magic at will? Pinkie Pie can somehow break through magic spells and appear out of nowhere – she has even on one occasion been seen affecting the very fabric of reality, stretching existence itself and breaking some invisible wall to speak beyond a fourth barrier of the universe.
Pinkie Pie may seem like a happy-go-lucky pony. But beneath that pastel pink façade lurks the ability to wreak havoc. It was Pinkie Pie who embraced Discord’s return, gleefully enjoying his chaotic clouds, and it was Pinkie Pie who got the assault weapons ban enacted just so she could have permission to use a party cannon in public. Wake up, Equestria!
One day, one day Ponyville, Pinkie may break through this barrier, this fourth wall. Why? Aliens? No one knows for sure; all we know is that she will unleash a torrent of party cannons. Party cannons breaking through magic spells, party cannons in the substance of reality, party cannons in your mind – everywhere and everything’s blown to party – hide your kids hide your wife cause Pinkie’s partying with errbody out here with her party cannons blowing up streamers and cakes until all the world goes up in a giant confetti ball of a party! Hahahah, hahahahahaha!
You see, Ponyville. Some ponies aren’t looking for anything logical. They can’t be bought; they can’t be reasoned with. Some ponies just want to watch the world party.
APPLEJACK LOSES EQUESTRIA RODEO ON PURPOSE
By Freddy Baxter
The winner of the Equestria rodeo has been announced, fillies and gentlecolts, and it was not who we all expected. Despite losing and taking in no prize money, Applejack has somehow come into a large sum of money, leading many ponies to speculate that she forfeited the rodeo competition. These Unreliable Sources claim to have spotted Applejack meeting with a large bald-headed, black-haired walrus known to handle large bets before and after the rodeo. This pony goes by the name Marcellus Walrus, and not much is known about his appearance other than that he in no way has the likeness of a female dog.
As was expected, Horse Vegas had placed Applejack’s odds of losing the rodeo at three hundred to one. This meant that if Applejack had placed a bet with Marcellus Walrus for her to lose, she would have made a large sum of money.
We asked Applejack if she indeed threw the competition on purpose. As a result, she bucked this reporter out of her barn. Broken bones are not a deterrent to a reporter for the EI, however, and I confronted Marcellus Walrus about the unethical bet that may or may not have been made. What happened during that encounter will never be spoken of again, but I would highly advise that no pony ever go inside the Ponyville pawnshop.
We may never know if Applejack purposefully lost the competition, but it is 100% certain that by next week the town hall will be completely refurbished. And of course we won’t look into this story further, and that has nothing to do with Applejack buying our silence.
CHEERILEE DOESN’T LOCK HER DOORS
It has come to our attention that local teacher, Cheerilee, does not lock the doors to her home when she is sleeping or away from her valuables. She also in no way carries with her self-defense weapons nor does she have formal combat training of any kind. This news comes as a complete shock to our new friend Marcellus Walrus, and has nothing to do with Cheerilee being announced as the head reporter for a competing source of Ponyville news.
In a related story, Derpy has been hired to fix Cheerilee’s roof.
Mares in a Minute
APPLEJACK CONTRACTS BIZARRE, HILARIOUS AILMENT
It seems that local farmhand Applejack has developed a strange, yet hysterical ailment that nopony has ever seen before. I sat down with her at Sweet Apple Acres to get more information. Also in attendance were her sister, Apple Bloom, and Twilight Sparkle, who offered to translate. I didn't understand why Miss Sparkle felt that was necessary until the interview began.
"Well," Applejack said, "ah was out there buckin' all dem Barky Greentops when a big ‘ol Mr. RedNJuicy fell and conked me right on mah Billy BoneHelmet. I've been like this ever since."
I desperately looked to Twilight for a translation, who simply stated "She was bucking trees and got hit in the head with an apple."
Twilight explained that Applejack always had a habit of using nicknames. "She calls everyone 'sugarcube' for starters. We didn't think much about it at first, but then recently she started giving nicknames to her appendages as well..."
"Bucky McGillygutty and Kicks McGee!" announced Applejack proudly, showing off her hind legs.
"Right...." Twilight continued. "That's when I started getting concerned. But now, it seems like she's giving ridiculous nicknames to *everything*. I'm guessing that the knock on the head just made it worse? I don't really know, I'm not a medical expert."
We asked a local doctor for his professional opinion, to which he said "Why does everypony keep coming to me with these weird medical questions? I'm a pediatrician for heaven’s sake!" When we insisted that he provide some comment on the matter, he sighed and said "Fine. Perhaps stress, combined with her head injury, contributed to her current condition. It will probably get better with time." We then asked him if he knew his hair looked like a giant orange muffin, to which he replied "Get out.".
The lack of a definite diagnosis has left Applejack understandably frustrated. "It's so aggrivatin'!" she complained, "Ah can't call nothin' by its normal name anymore!"
"It's even better than that!" said Apple Bloom excitedly, "She can't stop herself from doin' it, neither! Watch this!"
"Wait....don't...." Applejack began to protest.
"Hey sis! What would you call this sandwich?"
"And this vase?"
"And how about this pillow?"
"Chancellor Fluffy Von Sleepykins."
"BWAHAHAHAHA! Fluffy Von Sleepykins! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Ah'm a warnin' you, knock it off, Helen Hairbow!"
"Helen Hairbow! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh mah gosh! Ah can't breathe! Ah can't breathe!"
To make things easier until this ailment goes away (IF it goes away), Twilight has produced a pamphlet to help ponies communicate with Applejack. She's calling it "Applejackanese to English: a Primer".
"Of course," she said, "it has to be continuously updated, but I'll always have the newest version available at the treebrary."
"Ya mean at 'Roomy o' LotsABooks'?", Applejack asked.
Twilight sighed. "Yes, Applejack, at 'Roomy o' LotsABooks'."
Stories Written By You!
GROUP OF PONIES CLAIMS TO BE TRUE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY
By Mephisto Fiesta
According to multiple sources, a group of six ponies have began a claim that they are the true Elements of Harmony. As most ponies know, the Elements are Equestria’s most valuable weapons, responsible for the defeat of Nightmare Moon and Discord. These six new ponies claim that they are the true users of the Elements.
This group, dubbed the "Insane Six" by non-believers, has in its ranks Apple-Jack (totally not Ponyville farmer Applejack), Firefly (a rumored lovechild of two wonderbolts), Surprise (frequent party animal of Cloudsdale), Twilight Twinkle (supposed student of Princess Luna), Posey (kind gardener of her town), and Sparkler (not to be confused with Sparkler of the same name).
The six are residents of Ponyland, a town that was supposedly extinct in the Neighties."We were the elements BEFORE it was manestream." Twinkle said in an interview.
Her friend Apple-Jack added: "Yayuh, all those ponies stole our thing! Even mah name!" Sparkler was meanwhile posing for pictures, while Posey cowered behind. This reporter could have gotten more out of them, but was quickly shooed out by a very strong raincloud, made by Firefly.
The next morning, element of Loyalty, Rainbow Dash, sent in a memo explaining the Mane Six’s defense. In the memo she says: "Those fakers are in way over their heads. We Pinkie Pie promise we didn't steal the elements from them." However, our Unreliable Sources claim they saw Pinkie Pie chatting with supposed Element of Laughter Surprise about a 'Web Newspaper'. Whatever that means.
DERPY IS SORRY
Did you know you can buy ads in the newspaper? Did you know that if I tell Joe what to say he’ll print it? And did you know that if you jump on a cumulonimbus cloud when it’s reached the brim of dew point you’ll create one point twenty-one gigawatts of electrostatic discharge? That makes three things I learned today! And that’s kinda how the Town Hall got broke. Anyway, I’d like to say sorry for breaking things. I don’t mean to break things, really I don’t. Ponies say I’m strange. They say I’m weird, and different. I tried to not be weird, different. It made me sad. Being clutsy or slant-eyed is what makes me happy, and I always feel happy so I’m sorry that makes you feel bad or breaks stuff. I just have to think that those are the qualities that make me special, even though it’s hard sometimes. Maybe being happy for me hurts other ponies; I don’t know. But I’m trying to figure out a way to make things better, I really am.
My good friend Rainbow Dash has been put in charge of the weather from now on. And don’t worry about me. This white-haired pony in a horse-less metal carriage has just hired me to bring some clouds and do sciency things with him.
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