Issue #14 of The Equestrian Inquirer has been released! Check it out after the break, or at the Deviant Art page, where you can also find all past issues now stored in the gallery.
NOW THAT RAINBOW DASH HAS LEARNED HER LESSON
By Joe Stevens
Ponyville residents are in a fury today as hundreds of injuries, a fortune in property damage, and one stained hat have struck without Rainbow Dash or Mare Do Well intervening to stop these tragedies from occurring.
“Why won’t somepony help me!” screamed Ponyville resident Cheerilee as her cart careened out of control down a hill.
“Rainbow! Mare Do Well! I don’t care, just help me – good Celestia there’s blood everywhere!” quoted an anonymous pony after her house fell on her and nopony would come to her rescue.
While there is little indication as to the source of all the accidents that have been occurring in Ponyville, such as broken dams and falling balloons and rogue paint cans that can leave a serious stain on someone’s hat, there was at least a little comfort in the knowledge that no matter the severity of the tragedy, either Rainbow Dash or Mare Do Well would be on hoof to make a rescue. Unfortunately, it seems that the hero that was Mare Do Well was only created by friends of Rainbow Dash to teach her a lesson in humility and the hero will no longer be helping anypony.
“We showed Rainbow Dash that it’s great to be proud of your skills but not brag about them. Once she fully understood that, there was no reason to keep up the character of Mare Do Well,” quoted Ponyville resident Twilight Sparkle, one of the five conspirators who played the role of Mare Do Well. When asked if she would continue saving people, Twilight said that the purpose of Mare Do Well was not to be a hero but to humble their friend, so there was no reason to keep up the hero act anymore.
“That’s terrific that Rainbow learned a lesson, really, I’m happy for her, but can somepony get me out of here!” quoted Sweetie Belle, who was at the time of this interview stuck inside one of Ponyville’s many ridiculously-unprotected wells, “I’m only stuck in a well here! But hey, Rainbow understands humility so that’s the important thing. Yeah, humble Rainbow. Not stuck in a well here. Not at all.” Sweetie Belle then continued to sarcastically beg us to bring a rope. However, for insurance reasons, we decided to wait and see if Mare Do Well would come to help. She did not. We assume the problem sorted itself out.
When asked if she would continue to work as Ponyville’s hero and rescuer, Rainbow Dash humbly admitted that she’s not as good as Mare Do Well and has learned her lesson not to be a braggart hero. When asked if she would help put out a fire that was raging in our office, she also said that she didn’t want to be seen as a show off and let our office burn down for the fifth time.
Unreliable Sources have confirmed a response to Rainbow Dash’s letter to Princess Celestia, a letter illustrating the lesson Rainbow learned and how Mare Do Well and she would no longer be feeding their egos by helping people. The response was this: “YOU IDIOTS!”
HEY BIG MACINTOSH!
WILL YOU DO AN INTERVIEW FOR THE INQUIRER?
ACADEMY OF SCIENCE RULES
RAINBOW DASH “MOST ULTRACIOUS” PONY
By Freddy Baxter
The Equestrian Academy of Science has ruled in a unanimous decision that Ponyville resident Rainbow Dash is the “Most Ultracious” pony. This comes as a shock to most members outside the academy of science, mainly because nopony was aware there was such a word as “ultracious.” On further inspection, however, we can all rest assured that this word more than adequately describes this pony.
Apparently finding that words such as “awesome” or “bedazzled” or “superultraextremeawesomazing” were inadequate to describe the coolness that is Rainbow Dash, the academy set out to create a new word that could be designated as the highest form of positive adjective and then set this label to Rainbow Dash’s name alone. “We tried inventing words that could capture her pure awesomeness,” quoted Academy of Science chairpony Dr. I.R. Smart, “At first we suggested words that didn’t exist, like jariffic, or kmjll, but that didn’t make any sense. Then we tried to take a word and make it better, like awesome squared or something. Somepony suggested we call her waffles but that didn’t make sense either. Then we came up with ultra and figured it’s the best word, and all we had to do was make it an adjective, so the word ultracious means possessing qualities of ultra, which is Rainbow Dash.”
The academy has also issued a new measurement of cool and titled it a “Rainbow Dash.” Much like temperature, it operates under a rising scale. To describe something as impressive, one might say it is a certain percentage of Rainbow Dash, like, “That movie was 87% Rainbow Dash!” or “You completed a full three sixty inversion flip off that skateboard ramp! But you broke your leg on the landing so I’ll only give it 45% Rainbow Dash. Stop crying or it’ll go down to 40.”
The Academy of Science has also worked in cooperation with Canterlot University Press to place a photo of Rainbow Dash next to the word “awesome” in the dictionary.
EI Muckraker Section
RAINBOW DASH FAN CLUB SHUT DOWN FOR TAX EVASION
In a tragedy that is only surpassed by Joe getting a horrible stain on his hat, Unreliable Sources have confirmed that the Equestrian Revenue Service (ERS) has shut down the Rainbow Dash Fan Club for tax evasion. This has outraged the many dozen members of the fan club as they seek answers to why the club was shut down.
“The Rainbow Dash Fan Club has not paid taxes for three years and owes the government a lot of money,” quoted ERS tax collector Zach Eus, “In keeping with ERS policy, we are confiscating all Rainbow Dash wigs, posters, toys, and any other Rainbow Dash-related paraphernalia and will bring it to our houses, er, ERS office.”
Members of the club were also required to bring all club merchandise to the ERS as they were deemed property of the club and required to resolve the unpaid taxes. The founder of the club, Ponyville resident Scootaloo, was also placed in handcuffs and arrested. All of Scootaloo’s various paintings, fanfiction, and other property showing her adoration of Rainbow Dash was confiscated for evidence in the ERS’s case against Scootaloo and the club.
While she was being held in police hooves, Scootaloo had this to say, “I made the club two weeks ago! I don’t even have money! How am I supposed to pay taxes!”
When we approached the ERS officers and Mr. Eus about this claim, we discovered that the ERS had returned to Canterlot with their “evidence” and would not return our calls. Scootaloo has since been released from prison and the case against her has been dropped. However, in keeping with ERS protocol, it seems that the Rainbow Dash toys, wigs, fake newspapers talking about her, and other evidence will not be returned.
Wait a minute…
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“WE CAN BUILD! HONEST!”
Here at Ponyville Construction Company, we pride ourselves in building up to the highest standards of quality and integrity. That’s why we’ve been concerned about all the recent occurrences of buildings falling down, dams randomly collapsing, and paint cans landing on hats. I’m here to assure you that we do build. Honest. Just ignore that one time our unfinished building fell over just because an I-beam hit its side. We were just about to put the supports in so that was completely not our fault. The dam only broke because Bill our architect sneezed on the blueprints and smudged the parts that said we should put in rebar. Again, not our fault. And that house that collapsed yesterday? Parapsrites. Yeah. Totally parasprites. So for your next construction project, count on Ponyville Construction Company. We can build! Honest!
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