Description: A certain blue unicorn makes her way in Canterlot to stitch together a new life.
Great.Now lets get some more Vinyl fics.~Scratch
pic one you waffle!
This story's epically awesome after chapter on... Cautiously optomistic about the level of win.
That's a strange way of spelling Rarity.
@AnonymousHow about Trixie/Scratch?
I usually don't really comment much, but this time it feels like something should be said."It took many moon rises for her to make contours of the thought."Why moon rises? The term "Many moons" is understood. "It took many sunrises to grasp it."Many a sunrise, maybe?"It took the cast of many sympathetic expressions in kind eyes to practice it."I'm not fully understanding this sentence here. If there are repeating elements used in the beginning of each sentence would it be better to use adequate spacing for them? Having three of the above-mentioned lines all crammed together makes for a very jarring flow."to be canned and pickled and jarred and stored..."Instead, try "To be canned, pickled, jarred, and stored"? "And" is usually used only once in any sentence, usually towards the end for emphasis. Commas could be used to break up particularly long segments - there isn't much of a need to use multiple "And"s.The entire flow of the story is very... Separated. It does not "Move" as a whole, but appears to me in disjointed parts and sections."The journey to Canterlot was long, and had taken much of the heat of her anger and transmuted it now to shimmering grief."This line, for instance, could probably be phrased as:"The journey to Canterlot was a long one, and it had taken away much of her anger, her once bitter emotions now all but a whirlpool of tumultuous grief."Perhaps the usage of words may not be to your liking, but why would grief be "Shimmering"? I do apologize if I am not seeing something but in my entire life I have not heard of grief that shimmers. Grief that burns, maybe.Embers that shimmer, maybe... But... I think you get my point.The jarred narrative flow is also very evident in the multitude of short sentences present in almost every paragraph."The following breakfast revealed an extremely shy and famished pony. There were very quiet tears after a third serving of toast and marmalade. Her stomach was heavy and full and … right for the first time in weeks."Tears are quiet? Why? Quietly shedding tears would work better.If there is a need to apply staccato to a paragraph, it is usually used to imply rapid thought, reactions, or surprise/disbelief in context - As such I don't think it would hurt to join up the above with more appropriate punctuation.It is used appropriately in some scenes, however:"The filly spent most of the night gnawing away at a single scone, nervous to take too deeply of kindness. Only important people deserved kindness." This is a good example, as the emphasis of the "Only important... kindness." line is strong in its purpose.Overall, the concept itself is interesting, but technically it could use better execution. With all due respect to the relevant authors/parties, do understand that my comments are given with good intent - I would hate to press my opinions on others without justification, but I hate to see a pleasant concept undone by poor narration. Hopefully what I have said was helpful - As much as I do not comment I do not rate stories I come across - I don't bother with the whole star thing, really. Whatever the case is, people get better with practice. Keep trying, and don't be discouraged.
@Lotte/fic/ is THATAWAY.
More fics than fluttershy? FFFFUUUUUUUU!!!!!!
@LotteWow, um... Lotte? Did this have to be a public comment? Send your tearing apart and such for IRC or e-mail, okay? Not cool. Not cool at all.
That was a good story. I'm looking forward to further chapters.
@Roy G. BivThere is a big difference between "Tearing apart" and "Constructive criticism".I don't see people telling users who have less-than-positive things to say about my work to "take it elsewhere".Correct me if I am wrong, but the comments column exists for expressing individual opinion and feedback.I don't believe in giving halfhearted commentary about something. If I am to say something it should be justified and appropriately explained in full. At the end of the day, as mentioned in the above post, it is but my opinion and take on how it *could* be better. There is no absolute "right" or "wrong". If the advice helps the author create better stories, why not?Conversely, if it is not taken, or deemed as rubbish, then sure, why not? It's free choice.
I read this at work during my lunch the other day and it was an endearing little pick-me-up. I'm glad I found it!
Brand new and just wanted to introduce Myself. Hi yall! Sunless tanning lotion
I am the first time being here right here and after that to start with i so want to say hiya to folks