Author: Gabriel LaVedier
Description: Everybody goes out to Ponyville's only nightclub. Except Applejack. And then, one night, she's there, with some wine, the flashing lights, and the one pony that can make her do anything.In The Club With a Bottle Of Wine
Additional Tags: Wine, Women, Song, Club, Gaga
[Sad]
Author: Gabriel LaVedier
Description: A stranger comes into Appleloosa to deliver a bit of news to Braeburn, which will change his emerging life forever.Bad News Apple
Additional Tags: Appleloosa, Western, Huckster, Bigotry, Family
25 comments:
Wow. Two very powerful stories. Gabriel has a command over language equivalent to an army sergeant. First one: win. Second one: win. The scenarios are believable and utterly descriptive. Accents are a plus.
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that bothered me was "yew", everything else was great.
ReplyDeleteGood stuff there, man.
ReplyDeleteThe stories just ooze eloquence, I can just feel it!
>One beef: You've got an 'it' in place of an 'is' during AJ's dialogue about alcohol in the first story.
All in all, They're fantastic.
SPOILER
ReplyDeleteI probably missed something, but, in the first story, why does AJ suddenly get really angry at RD?
Yeah, the first one goes over my head as well. I'm sure it references something, I just don't have a clue what.
ReplyDeleteFirst one references a lady gaga song apparently, Lady GaGa: So Happy I Could Die, had to look that one up not too much of a gaga fine myself. Still cute.
ReplyDeleteFirst story seemed a bit short, but the second one was amazing. I loved them both.
ReplyDeleteDescription #1 needs everybody -> everypony
ReplyDeleteI loved the way you handled the western setting in your second story. You created an interesting character in Braeburn's roguish cousin.
ReplyDeleteI'm intrigued by these stories. Also, are these in the same little continuity? If Granny Smith doesn't like ponies and bison together, she'd likely have a dim view of fillyfoolers.
ReplyDeleteWell it has only been recently that inter-racial marriages have been accepted in *any* society on the planet. And inter-species marriages are still taboo (shhhh). But what crossed my mind is-- Why are those buffalo letting their (apparently) only female run off with a pony? The smurfs would never let Smurfette run off with Gargamel's cat.
ReplyDeleteHey be sure to finish this story. Its interesting. Great characters. Very west feeling, and an interesting situation that even Dr. Laura would scratch her head at. Wait. No she wouldnt-- She's a biotch.
Only read the first one, as I like Shipping more than Sad.
ReplyDeleteWithin the first few lines I figured it was going to be awesome as A) The author put their actual name in the title (Which takes balls) and B) They used the word Saccharine in the first sentence. Awesome.
The word choice and sentence/paragraph structure was top notch, which helped the descriptions really. I got a pretty good sense of the whole environment with minimal effort, so kudos to the author.
The plot got confusing around the middle. It'd be cool if you could give a note as to what the actual song lyrics are, or at least tell us what the song is. I was really lost until I read the comments and went back to read the story again.
Overall, I was entertained. 4/5, would like to see more from this author.
OH! Completely forget. AJ's accent was hella distracting in the beginning. The "Yew"s and "Dew"s really stand out for some reason and pulled me out of the moment.
ReplyDeleteHmmm interesting story, I hope you continue the AJ/RD one.
ReplyDeleteAt a few times the accents were a bit unnesccary but it didn't distract from the overall enjoyment of the read.
Great work 4/5
As I'm not a Gaga fan, I didn't know the song and had to look up the lyrics. Honestly, the first story overall missed the mark to a large extent, at least for me. So much was left unsaid that I couldn't consistently follow what each character was thinking, and since I don't know the song I can't tell if it is meant to be read straight ("I am very happy") or bittersweet ("I am happy to be with you and crushed because you don't return the feeling").
ReplyDeleteI was somewhat put off by the way the descriptions are written. The opening did not grab me because it starts with dry description rather than action or sensation. I think the same information could be given in terms of how it interacts with the characters and it would flow well rather than feeling like an impediment to the plot getting started.
I really liked the narrative ambiguity of the first story. It's the kinda story you can read over a second time and pick up something you didn't notice before.
ReplyDeleteThe first story was such a /tease/. That's the only way I can describe it. I was actually getting into it and then it just stopped and threw me off of a cliff. Decent written, although Applejack's accent seems a little hamfisted, as mentioned above.
ReplyDeleteReading AJ's lines made my eyes hurt.
ReplyDeleteLitterally.
A: Don't reference a song that people that you're writing towards may very well have never heard of; at the very least add in an idea of what the lyrics are saying. That was -beyond- stupid.
ReplyDeleteB: Cutting off right when something is beginning, after having used the aforementioned poor judgment, just makes it worse.
I really wanted to enjoy this story, and if you actually put more into it, there'd be something here worth enjoying...
Stars in our eyes, 'cause we're having a good time.
ReplyDeleteeh-eh. So Happy I Could Die.
--
Idk if the title is a reference to a Lady GaGa song or not.
First story has a grammar error:
ReplyDelete"Applejack’s gaze. Red wine, in music and real life. “I’m you’re best friend…” Rainbow Dash said, quietly"
"you're" should be "your".
please fix.
well, that was confusing as hell. I can't tell if that was a brief nod to an Appledash hook-up, which I suspect, or just a best friends thing.
ReplyDeleteLanguage was good, but it was so brief that... meh, it was ok.
Ah ha! the second one! I just read the discarded son! yay! it is a series! Good stuff, regardless of brevity, 5 starred!
ReplyDeleteIs the first one in the same continuity? After reading the discarded son, it seems likely.
Ah ha! the second one! I just read the discarded son! yay! it is a series! Good stuff, regardless of brevity, 5 starred!
ReplyDeleteIs the first one in the same continuity? After reading the discarded son, it seems likely.
First is both poignant and abrupt. I like the little image, the brief glimpse, yet rage against its lack of conclusion. If that's the goal, and I suspect it is, well played.
ReplyDeleteAnd in contrast, I like how you exaggerate accents.