• Story: The Disease

    by
    [Shipping][Random] Shipping+disease?  I think you can guess where that is going.
    Description: A terrible disease is spreading through ponyville!  Can our heroine find the cause before she is infected too?
    The Disease


    Wednesday, March 9, 2011 op
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    44 comments:

    1. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:17 AM

      What happened here?

      ReplyDelete
    2. Hikuro14March 9, 2011 at 11:19 AM

      Twilight lost her mind...as usual. I loled a bit.

      ReplyDelete
    3. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:27 AM

      lol, poor Pinkie & Dash.

      ReplyDelete
    4. PhoeMarch 9, 2011 at 11:43 AM

      1st person perspective and massive obfuscation of details make my head spin. Wanted to like it, but wasn't sure what exactly I was reading, which left a very sour taste in my mouth.

      In the future, please value clarity over "The Reveal". It helps people make it farther into the story.

      ReplyDelete
    5. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:46 AM

      Ah, I see...

      Derpy can be quite the voyeur. I prefer the transcendant type Derpy, though. The one who can make it rain up like some Elder god.

      ReplyDelete
    6. ZarkanorfMarch 9, 2011 at 11:47 AM

      what did I just read?

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    7. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:54 AM

      I liked it. Perspective shift is unusual, but well done I think. And I must confess, I knew who the protagonist was at "the librarian" ^^

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    8. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:55 AM

      Derpy trying to cure love with the power of Muffins... she didn't succeed, but it's still hilarious.

      ReplyDelete
    9. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:55 AM

      That was really confusing lol.

      ReplyDelete
    10. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 11:59 AM

      The perspective shifts were a tad confusing at first, but once you get it figured out, it's a really funny story. Nice job!

      ReplyDelete
    11. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:04 PM

      The photos spread around the town must be embrassing vor Rainbow Dash >:]

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    12. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:11 PM

      From the state of that bakery, it sounds like Pinkie and Dash are really enthusiastic. :P

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    13. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:13 PM

      at first I thought it was twilight trying to cure pony AIDS or something.

      then it turns out that it was actually derpy... mistaking sex for an act of violence, and thinking some sort of strange disease was causing it.

      that was pretty dang confusing, not gonna lie. too much emphasis on the twist, to the point that the rest was massively confusing.

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    14. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:32 PM

      Confusing

      7/10 becuase this was the first fic that actually made me have to think

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    15. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:37 PM

      It took me a long time before I realized the blue unicorn was Trixie XD

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    16. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:42 PM

      So is Derpy being Derpy and there was no disease, or was Derpy being Derpy and there really was a disease?

      ReplyDelete
    17. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 12:45 PM

      @Anonymous

      There was no disease, lol; it was just her mistaking sex for people being "attacked".

      ReplyDelete
    18. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 1:15 PM

      Author here. Sorry for the confusion but I wanted to give you a piece of Derpy's mind.

      What did you think was the most confusing?

      1. Writing style: Perspective shifts, non-chronological parts.

      2. Not knowing who the protagonist was (I changed some parts to make it not too obvious oops?).

      3. The disconnect between Derpy's apparently ability for logical reasoning and communication and everyone's reactions to her (and her 'usual' self in other stories).

      (What derpy thinks she says: "Well, that's elementary my dear Watson!"
      What everyone hears: "Muffins from the moon!")

      4. Everything. COMBINED.

      ReplyDelete
    19. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 1:22 PM

      I think part 1 was probably what might've confused the most people. I have to admit, after the first 2 paragraphcs or so I found myself going back to re-read from the beginning to make sure I was taking it all in in the right order, lol.

      I realized what the basic style was meant to be, however, and figured it would work itself up to a reveal so I kept reading and the premise gradually became clear. I actually rather enjoyed it, to be honest.

      I do have to ask, though, who was the Unicorn boning Twilight supposed to be, lol?

      ReplyDelete
    20. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 1:27 PM

      @Anonymous

      The anon above got it. Trixie.

      ReplyDelete
    21. MyLittleBronyMarch 9, 2011 at 1:35 PM

      BEST. FIC. EVER.

      ReplyDelete
    22. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 1:43 PM

      @Anonymous

      LOL, ah, thanks for the clarification. I couldn't tell if it was a guy or girl she was with, but I thought it may've been Pierce (that balloon popping Unicorn from Call of the Cutie).

      If there's a part 2, I hope Dash works through her embarrassment and goes back to Pinkie.

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    23. PhoeMarch 9, 2011 at 1:52 PM

      @Anonymous

      The issue that I was having largely included your perspective shifts and jumps, and the liberal use of 1st-person perspective in a story that didn't quite call for it.

      Large portions of the text seemed to be written with the express purpose of keeping as much detail as possible hidden from the reader, probably in the hopes that it could all be sprung on them at the end. And while there is a certain degree to which this can work, generally it's risky. As you've seen.

      I love the general concept, though. You know what might work for this story? If the whole thing was handled from Derpy's singular perspective in the style of one of those Noir detective journals. That way you can keep things moving chronologically and offer the insights of her "keen deductive mind". Now the story is feeding the reader information instead of hiding it, piece by piece as though it was unlocking a puzzle... and then it all comes tumbling out in the end that no, this is "that" Derpy.

      Wouldn't blame you if that sounds like too much work, but that could easily be a 5-star piece.

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    24. Rainbow BriskMarch 9, 2011 at 2:07 PM

      The story isn't very technically proficient. However, it IS good at being subtle when it needs to be, and gradually becoming painstakingly obvious (for the humor of it). Also, loved the metamessage.

      ReplyDelete
    25. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 2:20 PM

      Oh my

      this was awesome.


      So that's what goes through derpy's mind.

      ReplyDelete
    26. Darkhawk1March 9, 2011 at 2:27 PM

      Yeah, I agree with some of the others. Great idea, execution was... off, to say the least.

      ReplyDelete
    27. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 2:28 PM

      @Anonymous

      There won't be a part 2, but I did feel really bad for what I did to Fluttershy, Rainbow, and Pinkie.

      So I made a bonus ending. WARNING: You will probably be disturbed by what you read. I don't recommend it. Imagine it has [Clopclopclop] tags all over.

      https://docs.google.com/document/d/1wlosxrUf4pwPcamE_6NWZ0rnHYcoTlBMeViHaoi4FPw/edit?hl=en&authkey=CL-Jq-YG

      ReplyDelete
    28. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 2:48 PM

      nah, not too disturbing. I've done something like that before myself, lol... with a human, of course, LOL.

      And now, the story is complete.

      ReplyDelete
    29. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 3:06 PM

      Silly Depry.

      that not how u cure homoitis!

      ReplyDelete
    30. W. BookMarch 9, 2011 at 3:07 PM

      I honestly think that the 1st person is what works for this the most!

      I had a pretty good idea what was going on at first, just by the tags. The 'twist' or 'reveal' wasn't what the character thought was the mystery, but rather, who it was who was telling the mystery.

      At first, I thought Twilight. Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness the primary reason behind my logic in that.

      After that was obviously disproven, comments on candy and bakeing made me think Pinky, and then THAT was proven wrong.

      This was something I found absolutely wonderful, thank you :)

      ReplyDelete
    31. Star WhistleMarch 9, 2011 at 3:50 PM

      BEST. DISEASE. EVER!

      ReplyDelete
    32. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 4:06 PM

      @Sethisto
      >I think you can guess where that is going
      LIES

      ReplyDelete
    33. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 4:10 PM

      @Anonymous
      Oh, BonBon.
      And that wasn't even close to what I was expecting, the way you made it sound like a super-cloppy kinda thing.

      ReplyDelete
    34. SandmanMarch 9, 2011 at 4:15 PM

      Very nice.
      I got flashback to pinkie talking about pony zombies and I thought,
      "Oh my god, trixie's eating twilight,"
      then my brain froze and went back over that thought and I choked on my drink.

      ReplyDelete
    35. AnonymousMarch 9, 2011 at 5:10 PM

      @Sandman

      Ohhh myyyy...

      ReplyDelete
    36. W. BookMarch 9, 2011 at 5:37 PM

      @Anonymous

      /George Takei voice

      ReplyDelete
    37. AnonymousMarch 10, 2011 at 12:37 AM

      FOR THE LOVE OF PONIES MAKE THE BONUS ENDING AND THE BONUS BONUS PART A STORY.

      ReplyDelete
    38. KMarch 10, 2011 at 5:58 AM

      Okay, that got quite a laugh out of me. Silly Derpy, you so crazy. But that's why we all love her so much.

      ReplyDelete
    39. AnonymousMarch 10, 2011 at 6:19 PM

      Funny story. Only complaint is that it was confusing as to who was who through most of the story. At first I thought it was in Twilight's perspective.

      ReplyDelete
    40. AnonymousMarch 10, 2011 at 7:27 PM

      @Anonymous
      Late to the party, sorry.

      1 was my main source of confusion.

      You didn't signal shifts in chronology and setting very clearly, and shifting from first person to third person made it harder to follow. It got past me that "the mare" and "I" were the same person until I was a good ways in.

      That said, I enjoyed this. Ambitious attempt at an interwoven timeline/flashback story, fun premise.

      My suggestions, if you want 'em are:

      -Signal change in timeline consistently. Establish a convention that the reader can recognize. If you choose to use POV to differentiate, tweak it so that "I [something]" and "The mare [something]" jumps right out at the beginning of each shift. Don't bury it.

      -Telegraph the first shift VERY obviously. The passive transition at the end: "The latest of many attempts..." lost me. Something more active might have clued me in better: "The mare winced as she recalled..." Also, leading into the first time-and-POV shift with dialog hurts your chance of cementing the idea that POV change = time change. Smack the reader around with THIS IS THE SAME PERSON AT AN EARLIER POINT IN TIME. This transition is where you clue the reader in to the shifts, and this is especially important if you want to be secretive about your main's identity.

      I'd enjoy seeing a new draft of this. I think you've got a clever premise going here. Whether you revise it or not... Thanks! Fun ride!

      ReplyDelete
    41. AnonymousMarch 19, 2011 at 6:02 PM

      Well, this was delightfully funny. :)

      ReplyDelete
    42. AnonymousMarch 25, 2011 at 1:39 AM

      It's kind of funny, but honestly, it's way too confusing. I had literally no idea what was going on for the first half of the story.

      ReplyDelete
    43. trapper_x89April 30, 2011 at 10:54 PM

      .-.

      ReplyDelete
    44. AnonymousAugust 18, 2011 at 3:01 PM

      Dear author-pony-person

      Why did you give Derpy a speech impediment?

      While reading it I loved the great plot. When finished I was sad it was over. I loved how the pony misunderstood ykw and was fighting to solve the "mystery". I thought all the other ponies were just too shy/awkward to talk to her about it (and imagined in the end that when someone would talk to her she wouldn't believe them), but then you go and ruin everything George Lucas style, and tell us that Derpy just can't speak properly.

      That's. Just. Stupid. ("Muffins from the moon!".. really?)

      I think it's sad that you go and force this element on the plot when it doesn't need it.
      Now, I could just let your comment above slide and enjoy the story through my own interpretation... if it wasn't for that single little paragraph by the end:
      //I cried in triumph! “Ha ha ha! You're too late! I've already done it! With one turn of this valve, the entire town will be cured!”

      “... We'll listen to all you have to say about muffins later, Derpy, but for now please get away from that thing!”//

      When I first read that part I didn't get it at all, why did Twillight talk about muffins?
      It is, however, perfectly explained by your comment about Derpy being orally impaired.

      The problem is that if that had read something like:
      //“... Derpy, we'll talk this all over and explain everything to you, but for now please get away from that thing!”//
      You wouldn't need to have that poor pony be handicapped!
      Just because her eyes are crossed doesn't mean her wires are.

      You
      are a terrible
      pony.


      Afterwords:
      I'm sure you're a perfectly good person but I really needed to get this rant off my chest. Even though the fic is tagged as Random I just can't forgive when some of the random ruins a perfectly good story. I hope you understand and continue writing.

      Peace out.

      ReplyDelete

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