Description: Luna and Rainbow dash start a secret relationship, that turns into something more.
While I felt the it was very rushed and lacking, I thought it was sweet. I'd like to see more of this author if the whole story went into more depth about their relationship and Luna's concerns about Celestia knowing about it. The artist should definitely try fleshing this out some more. The story would only benefit greatly from it.
@DeviousPhyscopathHonestly, this was about an hour in half of work. I just wanted to see how people would react to the story and i'll post an updated version when i finish it, but thanks for the advice
>Have sex>THEN namespromiscuous ponies are promiscuous.
good, imo one of the better stories, but reeeally compressed
Yeah, it seems you have potential but that was ridiculously too fast. I wouldn't even let two characters kiss before a lot of build-up, let alone things beyond that; it makes it quite unsatisfying to read those kinds of things otherwise. However, it did have a tinge of sweetness and if you can learn to expand your stories you can produce some good stuff.
Good layout, but needs more to it.I love it though.Keep it up!
I'm going to have to echo everyone else by saying that it was a bit rushed and short. Giving it more time would make it much better. Still good for it's length though.
really rushed, pretty awkward, the characters weren't quite right, and some serious violations of "show, don't tell"and a bit of ikea erotica.this is maybe the private notes to a complete fic.
To be honest, I liked it. But I just liked it, I did not love it. Don't get me wrong there was a very nice story there that I had never heard before. I just think that it could have been more memorable if you would have lengthend it. Try adding a bit more detail and describe their time togather more. Have the characters have more interaction befor they begin on each other. Other than that my only other advice to you is to reread it many times over to work out any speling or gramatical errors. Nothing ruins the moment more than a mispelled word, or odd sounding sentence. Please continue to write though. I would love to see more of your work.
...*DOUBLE FACEHOOF*(made me LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL)
Not bad but the name could be beter and the chat whit TS and her friends.
the story is way to much win. ECHO time. rushed and short... if this could be turned into an "epic" lenght story with build-ups and other small problems and obstacles it could become one of the best fanfics around.still just my 2-cents<3
>Somepony leaning over you while you sleep?>eat that candy vag.Please, PLEASE, have different character's dialog start new paragraphs.WHO IS TALKING HERE?I dunno lol
What does it say about the depth to which I've been sucked into this fandom that I no longer question how two female characters can reproduce?
@La BarataHey, Friendship is Magic -- and, in this particular story at least, so is conception and pregnancy... ;-)
If it's OK with you, I would like to make a translation to Spanish of this story.I swear I won't change anything, only making sure everything is ordered.Of course, if you want to wait until it's finished, I don't have any complaints. When I'm done I will gladly provide a link in deviant Art or something.
since nobody had said this i guess i have to say is c-c-c-c-c-c-combo breaker
Really, I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. Rushed, new lines for new dialogue, etc. But I seriously expected one of the two to "wake up" from the first page. But, it was good. Really, really awkward though.Rainbow Dash - some random person comes over and kisses you, pin her down and LICK- xDI would very much like to see an improved version of this in the future. Has a great premise.
Ahh. This was the first fanfic I ever read, Now that I've read more fanfics this one seems more like a short story. But I still love it!