Author: Gabriel LaVedier
Description: Six ponies find that the ties which bind can also strangle, cutting deeply as they wind around and around tying the six into a tangled web. Pity the jealous and the timid.First Blush
First Blush Chapter 2: Second Thoughts
Interlude
First Blush Chapter 3: Third Strike/Third Charm (New!)
First Blush Epilogue (New!)
Additional Tags: Distrust, Jealousy, Suspicion, Psychomachia, Love
24 comments:
All I can say is...wow...
ReplyDelete...words cannot describe my emotions...but I want this to continue!
Ditzy saying derp all of the time is a tad annoying, but otherwise good show.
ReplyDeleteOne criticism: you need to break it up a bit when the POV changes. Other than that quite good.
ReplyDelete@Logan
ReplyDeleteThe page break issues are my fault, I'm afraid. I'm uploading on his behalf, and the conversion to RTF messes with the formatting a smidge. Terribly sorry.
is that cake a lie?
ReplyDeleteHOLY FUCK WHAT IS GOING ON
ReplyDeleteBifurcated love triangle going nowhere . . .
ReplyDeleteWhere's the grimdark?
Slightly hard to read, due to the above-mentioned lack of breaks, but good stuff nevertheless. Can't recall another story that entangles the main ponies so thoroughly and contradictorily!
ReplyDeleteAnonymous above: I'm thinking it's in Twilight's visit to her old professor, and her reasons for that...
ZecoraXApplebloom? That was the last straw. I already wasn't sure want to think about this fic thanks due spotty characterization (everyone is just off, especially Twi), but that pushed it into dislike. That, and it's just not making a whole lotta sense. I'm just going pass entirely.
ReplyDeleteTwo stars.
ReplyDeleteThis had some potential, but the characters just didn't act right, Applejack in particular in horrible. You're exaggerating her speech far too much, it's hard to read.
plz tell these update quick as the writer can pump em out
ReplyDeleteGood story.. Pinkie Pie came across as just insane, though.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok, but you lost me. Not enough breaks and it's kinda hard to read. And I thought this was supposed to be grimdark, WHERES THE GRIMDARK!? It's basically some sort of love triangle.
ReplyDeleteis Gabriel going to finish this?
ReplyDeleteLove triangle? looks more like a love octagon to me :P but yeah, the characters are way off
ReplyDeleteHmm....I can understand most characters being lesbian, seeing as there is not a lot of male pony's, ApplebloomxZecora was terrible. it was hard to read, the pacing is way off, the plots seem very forced, and its almost hard to fully understand whats going on half the time. BUT I can appreciate the situations and drama the characters are in, it could just be written better :P keep it up!
ReplyDeleteOMFG. It...it updated!
ReplyDeleteGlad to see this come to it's close.
ReplyDeleteVery well-done. I know you've gotten a bit of flack for parts of it, but I really enjoyed this story. Everything came together very nicely in the end. And while the schadenfreude in me always hopes for a true tragedy, I was very pleased with how things turned out.
The poetry, too, was a wonderful addition. I don't usually like OC ponies very much, but Crescent Sliver was very enjoyable.
This story was great to start, but then degenerated into one very hard to read, out there story. Twilight assaulting Rainbow was poorly reasoned I think, Zecora/Applebloom... has been stated well enough by others. Another problem I found with this story were the fairly (very) vague references which were only explained after the story's end, it made it pretty darn difficult to know what was implied by who. The Crescent Silver thing was hard to follow as well I feel, requiring a couple of re-readings to properly attempt to decipher the meanings of even the bluntest of sentences. All in all I feel that this was a great story to start as I said before, but quickly declined in quality later on. As a result I would give it a personal rating of about 2/6 =/
ReplyDeleteYou can make breaks with other symbols, like oOoOo or ~~~ or damn near anything. Otherwise, it's ok, but very difficult to read with the sold wall of text-- text that's a smaller fotn for some reason, but there ya go.
ReplyDeleteWork on formatting and spacing, and it'll be alot better
Your technical writing is not half bad. You vary the complexity of your sentences and the way you set it up as if you killed Fluttershy for a moment was well done. In that moment you synergized with your audience beautifully and took advantage of the fact that we all care about the Mane Six.
ReplyDeleteThat aside, the story itself is rather poorly done. Momentarily ignoring formatting issues, the characterizations are way off base. None of them is acting like who they are, but rather shadow images of the real thing with a lot of their personality scooped out and replaced with adoration and devotion. I'm afraid to say that you failed to make me care about the outcome of the sniping between Applejack and Gilda.
I believe the issue with this may be you tried to pack too much into too little. You packed 5 ships into this small space, only to resolve 3 of them at the cost of another 2. Given more room you might have been able to fix some of the issues, like the extremely rushed pace. But I don't think that length would have dealt with off-characterizations and poor emotional/event-driven reasoning.
However, it was a rarin' good try with lots of promise. The story suffers from content overload though...something to look into.
Just one thing: did Sweety Belle confess to Scootaloo? What about A.J.? Did she get put in the Wall of Shame after coming out?
ReplyDeleteOh snap, Cresent Silver is Dr. Manhattan?
ReplyDeleteShip everything! No breaks at scene change! Derpy is wonderful, but didn't appear after final Gilda confrontation - OCD displeased!
ReplyDelete