Also he got a new Editor to fix everything.
Author: A.n.B.
Description: The world changed as we know it, war. The only hope, 6 Ponies and their Elements of Harmony. Will they assemble to face the threat? We shall see...All Chapters After the Break!
Sins of Equestria
Sins of Equestria Chapter 2
Sins of Equestria Chapter 3
Sins of Equestria Chapter 4
Sins of Equestria Chapter 5
Sins of Equestria Chapter 6
Sins of Equestria Chapter 7
Sins of Equestria Chapter 8
Sins of Equestria Chapter 9
Sins of Equestria Chapter 10
Sins of Equestria Chapter 11
Sins of Equestria Chapter 12
Sins of Equestria Chapter 13
Sins of Equestria Chapter 14 (New!)
All chapters on DA
86 kommentaari:
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutamfw To be continued...
VastaKustutaCombo1.jpg
This seems like a really good idea, but there are some absolutely horrible spelling, grammar and punctuation errors. I'm having a hard time reading it.
VastaKustutaHowever, like I said, this is a brilliant idea for a fic.
Great idea, Horrible execution.
VastaKustutaI advise getting someone to proofread your works.
Grammar, spelling, and especially tenses (You kept switching between present and past.)
The story said that Princess Celestia died but what about Princess Luna? She must be the one that raise the sun and the moon now. Where does she hide? What does she do about this war?
VastaKustutaReally enjoyed the plot. As has been said though, it does require some polishing in grammar, punctuation and tense. Also, the final exchange between twilight and rarity about being hunted seemed forced.
VastaKustutaTwilight Here
VastaKustutaI will change it.... thank you for your feevack
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta"Great idea, terrible execution," is probably the best way to word it. I want to want to read more, but despite the compelling idea, the writing is ...awkward.
VastaKustutaHoly commas, Batman.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@Twilight Sparkle
VastaKustutaYou have many more commas than you need to convey the story, lots of tense confusion, and just some word confusion. Try to add some more narration during the dialog sequences to give us an idea of what they are doing while speaking. All easy mistakes to make for a writer.
I heartily agree with asking for someone to help proofread your work. I really think your idea has the potential to be wonderful! Please don't get so down on yourself... take these criticisms for what they are: constructive advice. Without dwelling on it, utilize it and work to improve your work!
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaI really like this story! Can't wait for next chapter!
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaTrixie...?
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaAn interesting story. Can't wait for the next chapter.
But please tell me Sweety Bell is alright.
Really looking forward to the next chapter! What's taking you so long? Sorry for being impatient but I love this story and I need moar! :D
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaI... forgive me my lordship.
I'll continue immediately.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaWay too much swearwords
VastaKustuta@williamcll
VastaKustutaDeal with it.
Hmm, I cant' believe I never noticed this before. Well, let me just say that I've found enjoyment in it, despite having a few issues with grammar and all that nice technical stuff. Still, all it takes to please me is Rainbow Dash appearances. :P
VastaKustutaAs a humble request, I would love to see more Dash. ...Yeah, I'm selfish, I know. Still.
I can't stop noticing that that pony in the picture kinda resembles Old Snake. ._.
VastaKustutaMy god. See, I WANT to read this. I love the concept, and potential the plot holds, but for the LOVE OF GOD, let somebody do the necessary work for you to make this enjoyable. You won't lose any content, which as I said before, I really like, but ffs let someone with a modicum of talent in writing help you!
VastaKustutanow now ponies, don't be harsh.
VastaKustutaI can tell the ideas in your head are sound, and that you are probably an amazing story writer in your native language. The nuances and odd rules of English grammar are a bit tricky, but for a first English fic, as you said, it's pretty good. There is lots of room to improve, certainly, but the content of the story is on solid footing, to be sure.
Anypony else having problems with googledocs lately?
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaReally looking forward to the next chapter. I just love war stories, pony-related or not.
VastaKustutaAre we ever going to get chapter 9? Or is this dead? I hope it's not but considering the fact that this hasn't been updated in a month...
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaThe true fact that I have still the other chapters to edit and a reallife that keeps surpressing it, I feel like nothing is going to work out. I am just afraid to screw up. At least, Chapter 9 is about 50% done and I plan to finish it this week or hang myself with the keyboard cable. (just a joke >_>)
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaThe title instantly made me think of "Sins of a Solar Empire".
VastaKustutastarted this story today, and cant stop reading it, i really like the whole idea behind it
VastaKustutathx!
Holy Luna x.x
VastaKustutaThis story...
I've never seen it before. and it appears to have been begun before I joined the herd.
The basic premise appears to be similar to the story that I am writing, of which I sent the prologue to Seth last night...
EEp :X
I like the idea, but the time and space scale seem to be off, unless the "intro" in the first chapter is supposed to be set "later" than the events of the rest of the chapter.
VastaKustutaTaking over Canterlot by military force would make it impossible for anyone to deny that the "Purge" existed, for example. Ponyville isn't THAT far from Canterlot.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@blackseven
VastaKustutaI wrote the "intro" like a "trailer" therefore, it is about this whole conflict and war.
The actually story starts with Twilight as she has to escape.
The whole story about the Purge and how they overtook will be told in a chapter.
Fact is: Canterlot wasn't attacked first. (canterlot is less a city more a palace. It would be an strategic disadvantage if they attacked this place only to overtake it. They took it in the end and build their citadel over it as a symbole for their reign.)
i really like this story and i'm looking forward to next chapter, i wonder how they will meet fluttershy :)
VastaKustutathe only thing i really dislike is that some "scenes" could have been written much more epic simply by using more details and describing them more pictorial
but if the more fastpaced style of narration is your way i'm totally fine with it, at least i dont have to wait for several chapters to get to the conclusion of some twists :)
btw a.n.b. are you german? because the structure of some of your sentences just reminds me of it :D and the picture of my english teacher telling me not to write english the way i speak german won't leave my head
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaOH SNAP.
VastaKustutaI just realized something.
Celestia is both ruler of Equestria and the goddess of the sun, right? Given circumstantial evidence that the majority of the planet's landmass actually constitutes Equestria, the nation could be said to be an empire. Given Celestia's status as goddess of the sun, one could call it a solar empire.
Meaning the title of this fic could be reinterpreted as Sins of a Solar Empire.
How can anyone not call this a Grimdark? First chapter sees almost every unicorn in Ponyville murdered and mutilated by a pack of stupidly demented earthpony twats. If that's not GD,
VastaKustutaBut, yeah, spelling, grammar, and sentence structure needs some serious work. I couldn't progress past chapter 3. It was just too difficult to work through.
@Crimson Valor
VastaKustutaFunny... I'm at Chapter 10. I guess some people have rare mutations allowing them to not get bothered by those ''HUGE'' errors that you seem to find (while not pointing any specific things).
Yay for mutants ?
Also... Pirate ship. :)
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaBy jah... the grammar and stuff killed me after the first 2 chapters. I couldn't go on. After you fix it up, I'll probably be back.
VastaKustutaPlease tell me you're going to keep writing this.
VastaKustuta@Anonymous
VastaKustutaYeees.
Nice to see that this is still getting updated.
VastaKustutaOne thing I really didn't like about this chapter was how much it leaned on Pinkie Pie being a living Deus Ex Machina to advance the plot.
VastaKustutaUsing her in such a way works fine for comedy stories because that is the way it is used in the show, but using her in the same way for a serious story really hurts it.
@TenchiFreak5
VastaKustutaThere is this certain thought for you. "Deal with it."
@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaReally?
I was legitimately trying to help you out. No need to get snotty about it.
@TenchiFreak5
VastaKustutaReally?
Pardon me, then.
>ships of the Equestrian Trading Fleet that made their way to the zebras in the south or griffins in the far north.
VastaKustuta-Good to heard that they still ''do'' something, in ''this'' world at least, even if it's only trading... with a Nation in semi-anarchy/civile-war thingy.
---------------
...on another note...
It has been a while, since the last Update... and must say that I find suddenly myself thinking about some odd details of this story...
Every other nations in ''this'' world apparently all decided to turn a blind eye on a large scale genocide ? (and political-mumbo jumbo-excuses will not count, not for EVERY single nations at least.)
Nations tend to badly react, when another decide to kill 1/3 of its own population based on an ''idealogy'', you know...
Also... I thought about that ''random and suddent Earth Pony Fanatical Army'' popping around...
Surely, not every single earth ponies of Equestria decided to go crazy-brainwashed-fanatical-idealogy ?
If we take a guess and say that the population is 1/3 of each 3 types...
I doubt that the ENTIRE 1/3 of Earth Ponies decided to go mentally-crazy-fanatic and exterminate all Unicorns, which mean that the actual size of the initial Fanatical-Army couldn't have been THAT huge... making me wonder why the other ''75%'' of Equestria didn't decided to resist and fight the GENOCIDAL army ?
So, the only explanation we have, to make this a remotely possible occurance, is that the 75% of ponies that were sane, all became spineless by ''magic'' and fled/retreated in front of the other 25% of fanatical-genocidal ponies... AND that the rest of the planet became lazy and didn't worry about a mass-genocide occuring...
Yeah... I still curious to why I didn't wonder about the ''strange'' context of the story before ?
Not that it's ''bad'', mind you, but... I currently see a hole the size of Guam, right now. Just saying.
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@Nova25
VastaKustutaThis story has a greater background story than the hole size of Guam. I just write everything in Twilight's or her friend's perspective. (for now)
There was this purge and chaos in Equestria, total anarchy that last for a several weeks, there was no trading in that time at all.
Fact in my story is:
There are more earth ponies than pegasi and unicorns together, not all of them approved but most earth ponies did.
With no princess that kept everything in order. (Magical balance included.) Unicorns had technically unlimited acess to their power without fearing that a god appears and strike them down.
One pony yelled loud enough (Darlic), and so many started to follow his call since he seemed to be reasonable. (And those who didn't wanted to follow, were either forced, or fought as rebels)
Zebras hate magic. (therefore, the Sultan approved of that genocide.)
As the reign was reinstated by "Darlic", he and the Sultan became political friends since both believed in this entire "Magic = Evil" thing. (there exsist a small trading between both contries but nothing major.)
Griffins had been marked as an "Enemy of the Empire" by "New" Equestria, since they prefered to collaborate with the pegasis. They also didn't gave much hay about the genoicde since they hadn't any special friendship with ponies. (they kept to themself all up in the north. Only sometimes there were conflicts between Equestria and the griffins.(you could call them barbarians or vikings, led by some ruthless bastard.)
(also, EVERYTHING will be explained in the further chapters... be patience.)
@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaHmmm... Well, this is certainly an explanation, a convinient one I would say, but considering 'your' chosen context for this story (and that apparently the pop. is like 50-60% Earth ponies, for some reasons)... I suppose this isn't as shaky as it could have been.
Still... I can't help, but feel that the ''apathy'' of the other nations (and their population), toward a mass-genocide, was a little strange.
The story/show must continue, I suppose, as the expression says.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaIt shall.
Alright.
VastaKustuta1st. This story did not died, I am just busy an unable to write.
2nd. Here are important facts, because someone found it funny to make a Equestrian fanmap. (I am now forced to depend on that.)
SoE11: Varin and Seva went south, not west. Everdale Forest lies under the ruins ove Cloudsdale.
Comment:
1: Griffins are not barbarians. They are allies of the pegasi but didn't want to be a part of this "Civil War" (Genocide)
2: About the other nations.
-Zebra are allies of the Inquisition but are occupied by their own problems. They have war with the lamas.
-Ibex never liked ponies. Also they tend to keep to themself.
-Elks suffer great loses due a plague.
-BUffalos are wiped out from the face of Equestria by the Inquisiton.
(If I forgot a nation, please inform me.)
@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaVarin and Seva went south, not north*
(I even rewrote that in the story)
@A.n.B.
VastaKustuta>Buffalos are wiped out from the face of Equestria by the Inquisiton.
Scratch that.
Is that the CoX Valkerye armor that Pegasus is wearing?
VastaKustutaCH.13 :
VastaKustuta>The red earthpony saluted. "Eyup, Sir!"
-Big Mac ?
... It has been a LONG time now, since the previous update and, well, I forgot who had been found so far ? I remember : Twilight, Trixie, Rarity, Pinky Pie and RD... Was AJ and Fluttershy found yet ? Big Mac will be soon, at least ...
@Nova25
VastaKustutaYees, AJ was found in Pureblood Castle.
But a most important question is:
Are you people still intressted?
hey great story, great plot, i was just woundering when the next chapter will be up just an estimate if thats all right, and how many more chapters are ya gonna make????
VastaKustutacheers
templesoul
why cant i read chapter 14?????? it says u need permission to access this. What the hell is going on i NEED to read chapter 14! haha somepony help me plz?
VastaKustutaI am sorry to write this here right now, but there will not be any more part Sins of Equestria.
VastaKustutaI will focus now on a larger project which would take my entire time and make me unable to continue this story that is already done in my head.
Twas a pleasure to write and learn.
Thank you for all the comments, even the bad ones.
>All chapters on DA
VastaKustuta>This user has deactivated their account.
-Huhhh... ooook ? When the ship is sinking, why not add 50KT of TNT to it ?
Anyway...
Ch.14 :
VastaKustutaSomething, something, RD is apparently the daughter of the Pegasus King.
Well, even though I was never really entirely convinced by the concept of the story, it was certainly an original one.
I think what it may have needed more, is more reasons to like the main characters of the story, to want to side with them (other than the obvious fact that the 'other side' are basicly Hitler-ponies wanting to eradicate a race...), especially since it's a 'War' story.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaNot Hitler-ponies.
@A.n.B.
VastaKustuta...riiiight ?
I did say ''basicly'', which is more or less like ''relatively like/kinda''... and that 'extreme' group of Earth Ponies tried (and still ARE) to exterminate the ENTIRE unicorn race...
At the VERY least, their 'Leader' falls into that ''category''.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaYou have to understand their side before you judge the other side.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaThe Lord Inquisitor lost his Wife and both sons. Only Varin was left. Hey did tried to at least "controll" magic, but the Unicorns did not wanted that and resisted. In the end, there was no other choice. Wait for the Unicorns to lose their sanity and go for a extermination of the other races or wait till someone else does it.
In a matter of fact: any of those three could go and hunt the other groups. The earthponies were just first who striked. (if that was intelligent or foolish is another question)
@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaWell, I guess we will have to agree to disagree, on what could possibly justify the extermination of an entire race ?
...in any case, it was just a quick comparison/parallel, with ''something'' that was relatively simillar, in a way.
@Nova25
VastaKustutaWithout the Princess who keeps magic in check, every unicorn can go out on a rampage.
The "rumor" of a unicorn blowing up a village was not the only incidence where magic was used to harm earthponies. Manehaten, a city of the earthpony race was also completely destroyed.
I will not compae the earthponis to the Third Reich. The story is simply not finished and that is why everyone sees them as "evil".
@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaManehattan*
@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaThis is getting old now... and I will clarify this only one last time.
I never said that : *Every single member of the named 'Earth Pony' race were evil sadistic bastards... only that the ***GROUP (and their LEADER)*** that started KILLING indiscriminately every single unicorns alive (be they youngs, adults, elderly...), on the sole basis that unicorns were ''impure(or whatever, I forgot)'' and an automatic-threat because of their 'magic potential', and preaching to everypony listening that unicorns should be killed(or ''nerfed'' and put to slavery, which is more or less the same thing) for those reasons...
I'm speaking of THOSE Earth Ponies... not all of them. Just THEM, not the ponies caught in the ''cross-fire''...
Autor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustutaAutor on selle kommentaari eemaldanud.
VastaKustuta@A.n.B.
VastaKustutaIndeed it it getting old.
I will reply this only one last time.
I am the writer and you are the reader. I understand that you make up your own mind with your judgement and with what I've written.
But I will not discuss a fanfiction that is clearly not finished.
My point is: Do not see a comparison/parallel, with "something" that was relatively simillar, in a way.