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Author: BrianBlessedPony
Description: Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy are summoned to the Captain of the Palace's Guard at short notice. What he wants, neither really know, but Twilight has met him before...Captain of the Guard
Additional Tags: Silly, first attempt, OC's, shouting
23 comments:
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ReplyDeleteI don't usually get firsts. Had to get this one out of my system.
ReplyDeleteInteresting premise. Can't wait to see where it goes
So, this is a first attempt? If it is then I have to give a little bit of constructive criticism, you used the word fillies alot. But other than that nice fic. I hope to see more from you.
ReplyDeleteBRIAN BLESSED PONY? I GUESS I'D BETTER GIVE THIS A READ, THEN!
ReplyDeletetheres so many lose ends and useless descriptions in this story
ReplyDeleteWhat´s up with the sword? What is the problem with it?
ReplyDeleteAs big a fan as I am of BRIAN BLESSED, this story needs some serious cleaning up. I enjoyed it, but it was just too slow-paced and poorly edited. Not bad for a first story, though.
ReplyDeleteP.S. When they started talking about griffons you passed up a golden opportunity for the Captain to cry out "GILDA'S ALIVE!?!"
I liked it, but it could definitely use a bit of editing. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteI'd like to say thank you all for the comments so far :)
ReplyDeleteRoman500: I know, but I am new to this.
Anon1: Heh, thanks
Anon2: Sorry about that, I have too much going on in my mind
Anon3: Its just a joke that I thought of.
Chris: Thank you. I have to try an balance that fine line between rushing into things and describing events, I know. As for obvious Blessed lines, this was a) a practice run for writing and b) he's not exactly Blessed himself, just based on that sort of character. I describe him as a cross between Blessed and the Ghost of Christmas Present from The Muppets Christmas Carol! :P
Whiteout: Thank you! I got some more Ironhoof, another OC and something just of the mane cast planned ;)
Thank you all again!
What, no "CHISWICK!! FRESH HORSE!!"? :D
ReplyDeleteand
"Ahh, Rupert. Give this urn to Princess Celestia."
"Yes, my Lord. What is it?"
"Princess Luna."
NB: one day, I may have "IS THERE ANYBODY IN EQUESTRIA WHO HASN'T SLEPT WITH MY DAUGHTER?!"
ReplyDeleteOne day perhaps, more Blessed comments. Until then, Ironhoof is independant.
Ok, That joke or reference of a sword in an umbrella stand is something I really don't get, anyone care to explain?
ReplyDeleteYou must have him say 'furlings' in the future.
ReplyDeleteYou musssst! You MUSSSSSSST!
Nice! You're finally on ED, Gil--or should I say BrianBlessedPony! Haha, I still cant get over Ironhoof's personality!
ReplyDelete...now I've really gotta stop procrastinating >.<
This was well-written but ill-begotten. Did you really just waste all that time just to introduce a Brian Blessed expy? There kept being potential sources of conflict, and therefore story, but they were all passed up in favor of CHECK OUT MY AWESOME OC. In the end, nothing happened.
ReplyDeleteA cute little story I'l admit, but some freshening up is recommended. Since you're new, I'll only advise you to keep practicing! I'm trying to get my stuff up too. :P
ReplyDelete@Ike Jager The joke is that simply put theres a sword in a place there really shouldn't be one. It's also a referece to Discworld, where in Death's domain, Death has a tardis like cottage. I believe there was a description of Death's umbrella stand having his scyth in it.
ReplyDelete@Anon4: I, dont really understand that one, sorry!
@Ajax Hymn: Thank you! And yes, yes you should!
@Anon5: Well, thank you for the words. As previously said, this was an eercise for me. I do have longer stories planned, mane cast heavily driven etc. But, the one thing I wanted to do was ensure that I could blooming well write enough to carry on. So, I took the option of trying it out introducing my own character first, rather then risk butchering one story or shouting out loudly "HEY! HERE'S A CHARACTER I'VE NEVER INTRODUCED AND A TONNE OF BACKSTORY!" in another. Yes, nothing happened. That was the point. Not every story is told, but all are important. Personally, I want a story on how Fluttershy got her house. Doubt it'll ever happen. But thank you again. Hopefully next time, I can please you.
@Sonic Rainblast: Thank you :) I'll keep going, dont worry!
Although, the last thing we need now is a Blackadder/MLP crossover running around on the Internet.
ReplyDeleteThe scheming noble Black Adder and his ponybody Baldric attempting to destabilize Princess Regent Luna as she fills in for Celestia.
@NB: exactly. No matter how funny it would be. Hence why actual Blessed references are minimal.
ReplyDeletewell, i promised i would read it when it appeared here, and a good friend keeps his promises
ReplyDeletei must say though, i wasn't able to see the point of the story, like it had no goal except introducing a character of the moment, but maybe its because that's where you were going, maybe its because this was a "silly attempt at OC".
4 stars
@Okey Dokey Lokey: Thank you for reading it :) And thank you for the comments. Hopefully next time there will be better sense made. (Me fail Engrish? That unpossible!!!)
ReplyDeleteThat was a fun story, and a rather interesting idea for an OC (not to mention his rather large family). Thanks for that.
ReplyDelete@Geldon Yeichsky: Thats okay, thank you for the comments :)
ReplyDelete