Author: Kris Keegan
Description: Twilight Sparkle is invited to go "joking" with Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie in Froggy Bottom Bog. She mistakes "Joking" with comedy and was in for a nasty surprise. Twilight hits her first poison joke joint and goes off on her own, causing chaos and wacky shenanigans follow her.Twi-Dye Sparkle
30 comments:
There's an awful lot of bouncing between past and present tense going on.
ReplyDeleteWere you high when you wrote this?
ReplyDelete@Ebon Mane
ReplyDeleteyes i think he is
Holy horse apples man, cut your Celestia damned paragraphs up, I keep counting up to 3 or so people talking within the same massive wall of text. Follow this rule when in regards to dialogue: Every time a new person talks, start a new paragraph. The same person can continue talking in the same paragraph, and you can even split a single character's dialogue between several paragraphs, but the moment someone else talks, they get a new paragraph.
ReplyDeleteAnd the tenses, choose a tense and stick with it! You're all over the place, even before anyone gets high!
As it is, your fic is very difficult to read. There are spelling and grammar errors and all the action is jumbled up within huge blocks of text where way too much stuff is going on with way too many people doing them. Random doesn't mean ignore proper writing. Just because the characters are high doesn't mean you have to be too! Or.. are you? <.<
As for the story, well, everypony's pretty much in character save the whole "joke" premise, and it is random, so that's good. But it's ruined by horrible structure and some poor grammar.
And now for what the letter in your fic really should have said:
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned not to get high while writing a story, cause it'll create something almost completely unreadable, no matter how funny I thought it was at the time.
Also, I didn't like the anti-drug moral.
ReplyDeleteI was gonna give you a list of things you did wrong, but someone already did it for me.
ReplyDeleteThe concept was cool and it was pretty funny but the grammar and punctuation errors combined with the switching of tenses made it difficult to read. 2/5. Fix up those errors and this could be a really good piece of writing.
ReplyDelete@Gorgutz
ReplyDeleteAt the time of this comment, you're the only one who didn't give this 1 star. You're a kind brony.
but the description is at least good
ReplyDeleteok, the grammer and punctuation is horrible
ReplyDeleteyour tenses are all over the place
were you high when you wrote this cos its shows
on a lighter note Derpy's bit was hilarious
right now its 1.5/5 to 2/5 but fix up that grammer and tenses and i think this would be an awesome story
Well i ain't no english major, and i made it in a day. so i'm quite pleased with myself tyvm. your critiques are duly noted and i appreciate feedback. i'm probably not gonna make one unless i feel like doing one again. i'm just happy i made it on here :)
ReplyDeleteI for one quite enjoyed this. The tense shifting made if a bit hard to read, but it was entertaining enough to make up for that. I especially liked Derpy's appearance.
ReplyDeleteHeavy grammar problems along with the tense shifting, but still kind of funny for what it's worth
ReplyDeleteWhat everyone else said. However, I still kinda enjoyed it. My favorite parts where Dash yelling "FOR PONY!" when doing the Sonic Rainboom, Derpy, and mustaches.
ReplyDeleteGrammar issues aside, this is hilarious. I really enjoyed it.
ReplyDeleteI will never understand the impetus that drives people to stonerfics. They just seem silly to me.
ReplyDelete@Cray0n
ReplyDeleteYou have to have gotten high before to understand.
Also correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't there another fic almost just like this awhile ago? Purple Daze or something like that.
@Anonymous Oh I'm sure, but for ponies? Doesn't really work. Kinda like grimdark stuff: it has to be done tastefully to work. Otherwise it's just weird. Imo anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'm not gonna lie. There were...some serious issues here.
ReplyDelete1. Paragraphs, Paragraphs, Paragraphs-
One thing I noticed about the fic, is that everypony seemed to be pretending to be one another. When characters are speaking, create a new paragraph and indent. If the same character continues to speak, press space after the speech break (Twilight said) and THEN use quotation marks. If a new character begins to speak, create a new paragraph, and indent.
EXAMPLE
"Thanks for helping me with my grammar homework, Twilight!" Fluttershy kindly spoke, "You are a really good teacher!"
"Oh, it's no problem, Fluttershy! Always glad to help out." Twilight replied.
Like that. You can even put in more text in the same paragraph, and have the character speak later, as long as it is the same character.
"Whew, not what I had expected." Rainbow Dash said, lightly winded. Fluttershy had been practicing, that was for sure. Dash had to do some extra training to keep on top. "Good job, Fluttershy!"
Don't do that a whole lot, though. It can get confusing.
2. Speelang urraors.
Use spell check as often as possible.
Do not ignore it's suggestions unless you are positive of what you are spelling, such as Fillydelphia.
Another thing, Filly is Singular. Fillies is plural.
Always check for things in context that the spellcheck can't pick up. If you're unsure, grab a buddy.
3. Punctuation
Watch where you put Quotation Marks. They're a bit picky.
"I know, right?" Twilight( said") Annoying, aren't they?"
Parentheses points out the problem. Space before quotation marks.
Also, it's Ma'am. Not Mam. Figured you should know.
Well, I've spent a few hours going over this, so, here you go. I reccomend going back and fixing all these noted problems.
But it was still good, overall.
like everypony else said, it's kinda hard to read, but now I want to see twi-dye sparkle, with or without the safety vest.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for Anti-drug messages, but this was handled horribly. It felt like a moral story written for 5th graders by a Soccer Mom who never had any contact with stoners aside from TV movies. If you want to get a message across dont shove it hamfisted down peoples throats.
ReplyDeleteI really don't think Pinkie *needs* drugs, lol. She's practically a drug herself.
ReplyDeleteI do kind of like the idea of PInkie and Rainbow off chilling together like that, though, lol. You *know* that'd lead to making out. :P
Cool, cool. But, uh... I want to see Twilight experience some withdrawal symptoms other than her coat gradually shifting back to its normal color. Shivering, anxiety, insomnia, depression, the whole nine yards. Why do I enjoy the suffering of others?
ReplyDeleteAlso, when their coats changed color, he should've presented them all with the "G1" colors of their characters, and with the altered mane colors, too. You know, how Faust used to draw the G1 cast before they grew into the G4 characters we know and love.
Dash was pink with a blue mane, Pinkie was white with a yellow mane and Twilight was pink with a white mane (though that might have been a little too close to Twilight's actual color scheme to have been noticeable)
Hah! That's hilarious!
ReplyDeleteWhile it was really silly, it still managed to give me a smile =)
Maybe Twilight should have written to Celestia about how Equestria can make tax revenue if they sell poison joke in weaker concentrations to other ponies.
ReplyDeleteThis was an amazing story. The only problems werethe aformented grammar errors. I give it a 4/5!
ReplyDelete(PS the Celestia part made me crack up)
Was Spike the real mastermind behind that Poison Joke scheme?
ReplyDeleteThe story made it perfectly clear that Twilight Sparkle wasn't.
I feel Pinkie Pie couldn't have been behind it because she enjoys parties too much, is too reliant on others, and with the way it affected her when she simply touched it that she wouldn't consider ever putting it in her mouth under her own judgement.
And with Rainbow Dash, I feel that her strong loyalties and incredible ego would have kept her away from the stuff.
@Ebon Mane
ReplyDeleteYeah, why would he have an anti-drug moral?
It's not like they fuck up people's lives and make them do stupid shit that harms themselves and others.
Why does everyone think Rainbow Dash is gay!? Someone write something where Rarity is gay, and as a twist, Rainbow Dash is a bible thumping douchebag!!!
ReplyDeleteThe story was pretty good, but I would have preferred it be more about the 3 having some High Adventures together, with an ending different than an anti drug message. And I'm not a writer, so I really didn't notice all the grammar errors.
ReplyDelete4/5