It's that time of the week once again! Issue one, as well as the video embed can be found either here or after the break!
FLIM AND FLAM’S “NEW CIDER”
A MARKETING PLOY TO INCREASE CIDER SALES
By Joe Stevens
In what is being deemed the biggest marketing gimmick in all of economic history, Unreliable Sources have confirmed that the Flim and Flam brothers’ attempt to create a competing cider for sale in Ponyville was actually orchestrated by the Apple family.
It seems that sales of apple cider had fallen in recent years, due mainly to the introduction of a berry-flavored competitor. “Berry Punch’s Sweetie,” or “Bepsi,” as the drink is marketed, had taken a large amount of apple cider’s market share. In an attempt to better appeal to consumers who liked the sweetness of Bepsi over cider, the Apple family hired Flim and Flam to come to Ponyville and introduce a new product. This drink, called “New Cider,” was immediately rejected by consumers.Pinkie Pie, one of Cider’s biggest fans, had this to say: “What did they do with cider! It was delicious!” Through a stream of tears, and several quotes that would be immoral to place into print, Pinkie informed us that she did not cry when she had to lose chocolate milk, but she would not take the loss of cider sitting down.
The backlash over New Cider was so severe that ponies everywhere abandoned the reformulation, claiming there were rocks and other foreign objects inside the drink. This, of course, was all according to plan for the Apple family, as they quickly reintroduced their cider under the new brand: Apple Cider Classic. Sales of Apple Cider Classic have gone through the roof since its introduction, and Bepsi sales have been on a steady decline. Flim and Flam were, of course, paid for their services in this genius marketing gimmick, and have since been spotted at the Buckweiser beverage factory developing something they call Buck Light Lime.
CELESTIA ANNOUNCES HASTILY-ORGANIZED COMPETIVE BETS
ARE NOT CONTRACTUALLY BINDING
By Freddy Baxter
In a departure from the Celestia administration’s normally hooves-off approach to the Equestrian economy, Princess Celestia enacted via an executive order a new policy that prevents hastily-organized, ill-conceived competitive bets from being seen as contractually binding. This breaks the norm of many business ponies throughout the kingdom, but has been seen as a positive direction for the economy.
“Just last week we had a cart manufacturer make a bet with a competitor on who could balance five thousand eggs on one of their carts. The winner was supposed to give over control of a factory valued at over two million bits. Thanks to this decision, such competitions are no longer consider legal contracts,” quoted Equestrian Reserve Chairman Buck Bernanke.
The executive decision has already been used to good effect, stopping a competition of who could fit the most ravenous badgers down a toilet that would decide at what price oil would trade on the commodities exchange.
Mares in a Minute
PONYVILLE SUFFERING FROM TOWN-WIDE CIDER ADDICTION
Every year around this time the citizens of Ponyville begin to change. They get more excitable, more anxious, and more jumpy. They become easily distracted, and considerably more irritable. There is something on their minds, and that something is cider.
Yes, every cider season, normally peaceful, friendly ponies become obsessed cider junkies. They camp out in long lines for just a taste of the Apple family's delectable drink. They readily give up their entire life savings for just a few mugs of that golden nectar. And they would step right over their neighbor to do it. It's a sad state of affairs, and the worst part is that most of the ponies don't even realize what monsters they become.
"I don't have a problem, YOU have a problem!" yelled Rainbow Dash when I asked her about it, "You're all against me! Conspiring to deny me a single drop! Well, I'm on to you. I'm on to ALL OF YOU! Especially YOU, Pinkie Pie!"
Shirking responsibilities. Hostility. Name calling. Fighting. And let's not forget the horrible cider riots of '09. "Ah've never seen so many trampled ponies," lamented Applejack, "On the other hand, our sales were through the roof that year!"
This is obviously an ongoing, town-wide issue, and Mayor Mare has finally decided that something must be done. She has created a new program called "Ciderholics Anonymous" to help troubled ponies kick the cider habit. She admits, however, that the program is off to a shaky start. "The hardest part," she said, "was finding somepony in town who was actually cider-sober enough to write up the steps for the program." Indeed, after numerous attempts, this was the best they could do:
9 Steps to a Cider-Free You!
1. Admit that we are powerless over the Apple family's sweet, sweet cider.
2. Come to believe a power greater than ourselves can restore us to cider.....I mean sanity.
3. Make a decision to turn our will and lives over to a higher power....in this case cider....I mean, Celestia! Yeah...definitely not cider. Nope. No cider....mmmmmm....cider.....
4. Make a moral inventory of ourselves and realize how empty our lives are without cider.
5. Admit to ourselves and everypony the exact nature of our love for cider.
6. Make a list of all the ponies we have wronged, and make certain to get in front of them in line so we can beat them to the delectable cider.
7. Make direct amends to such ponies whenever possible, except when it concerns cider.
8. Continue to cider a moral cider of cider and strive to cider our cider.
9. CIDER CIDER CIDER CIDER!!!!!!
Obviously, the program is not having much success under these steps.
Mayor Mare, however, is not giving up and is currently considering alternate methods for the self-help program. Ironically, one of her ideas involves the Flim Flam brothers. "I was thinking that we could provide their cider at every CA meeting," she said, "I figure that if a pony drinks enough of that stuff, they'll never want cider again."
I asked the Flim Flam brothers what they thought about the mayor's idea. "Well, I do believe it is quite insulting to such successful entrepreneurs like ourselves!" they said indignantly (and, annoyingly, in song). "Why, doesn't she know that we are doing quite well with our product?" When I asked how that was even possible, they responded "Because we are marketing it as "Cider Lite". That way, people will EXPECT it to taste like donkey pee! We're geniuses!"
NEW TV SHOW “COOKING WITH SWEETIE BELLE”
CANCELLED AFTER FIRST EPISODE
The flames......SWEET CELESTIA THE FLAMES.......
Stories Written By You!
FBI SOURCES SIGNAL IMMINENT RAID ON LOCAL DRUG SOURCE
By Carl Bernsteed
By Carl Bernsteed
Sources at the Filly Bureau of Investigation (FBI), speaking on deep background, have revealed that a local resident is the target of a months-long criminal investigation, centering on the highly regulated Heart's Desire drug trade.
Allegations of illicit trafficking in Heart's Desire, sometimes known by the street name Wish, first came to light after a local schoolpony was afflicted with a near-fatal case of the Cutie Pox. Due to the age of the filly, her name has been withheld from the media, but local residents have told this paper that the victim was one of the infamous Cutie Mark Crusaders, a Ponyville street gang which is currently the subject of inquiries regarding the destruction of stage equipment during a recent talent show.
An investigation by the Canterlot Disease Committee (CDC) uncovered a connection between the outbreak and a foreign national currently residing in the Everfree Forest. "The jurisdictional issues are complicated, because the Everfree Forest technical doesn't have any laws," commented noted Manehatten legal expert Last Appeal, "I mean, the trees grow leaves all by themselves, you know?! But once the illicit drugs crossed into Equestrian territory, our laws apply."
According to FBI sources, it is uncertain that the source of the Heart's Desire is even a pony. As a result, the upcoming raid will be conducted jointly between the FBI, the Dromedary Enforcement Agency (DEA), and the Knights of Griffin Battling (KGB).
One high-level official of Celestia's Court expressed confidence that the dangerous Wish trade will soon be shut down. But an anonymous note left at Ponyville Town Hall has local residents concerned. "If the narcs bust down my door, my healing magics will be no more. So don't be rash and use your might, my case is hardly black and white."
APPLE CIDER CLASSIC
Always the real juice. Always Apple Cider!
The stars will always shine, the rabbits reproduce, as long as there is Rainbow Dash begging for it there’s always the real juice. Apple Cider Classic is always the one! Wherever there is Pinkie Pie there’s always Apple Cider!
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