• Equestrian Inquirer #15


    The Equestrian Inquirer has released their 15th issue! In celebration, their series has moved over to Youtube.  Check out the video version of this one here!

    And as always, the text one can either be found after the break, or at the deviant art page



    Issue #15

    PINKIE PIE DECLARES BALLOONS ARE CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA
    By Joe Stevens

                Unreliable Sources have confirmed that Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie has declared that all balloons residing in the land of Equestria are full and naturalized citizens with access to all the rights and privileges found therein. This comes as a shock to most ponies, as everypony had always assumed that balloons were nothing more than composites of rubber and plastic inflated with air and used to create a jovial atmosphere at parties.
                In a statement that accompanied her declaration of balloon citizenship, Pinkie Pie stated: “I always throw a party with balloons, but I never thought about throwing a party for balloons. And then I thought [tremendous gasp] I don’t think anypony has ever thrown a party for balloons, and that’s so sad, so we should make it up for them.”
                There has been no response from Princess Celestia as to the exact population of balloons in Equestria, or what this will mean to present census and tax data. Already, ponies are being held in question for the murder of several balloons, popping these new citizens at a local cutsinera party involving a wayward needle.
                As to whether Pinkie Pie has the authority to issue such a decree, a Canterlot legal analyst had this to say: “No.”

    RARITY IS THE PONY EVERYPONY EVERYPONY SHOULD KNOW

                Unreliable Sources have confirmed that everypony named Everypony should know of Rarity. We’re not sure why. But it comes highly recommended that everypony Everypony should know of Rarity. We caught up with the only pony named Everypony, a Miss Everypony Smith, and asked her if she knew of Rarity.
                “Sure,” quoted Everypony.
                Mission success.

    RAINBOW DASH DENIES WEAPONS INSPECTORS
    THE AUTHORITY TO INSPECT HER WINGS
    By Freddy Baxter

                Continuing our coverage of Rainbow Dash’s defiance to the Equestrian Armed Forces, it seems that the multicolored Pegasus has denied weapons inspectors the authority to inspect her wings. Apparently the rainbows that appear as exhaust from Rainbow Dash’s flight have the possibility of being radioactive, furthering Rainbow’s potential use as a weapon of mass destruction.
                Equestrian Armed Forces stated that Rainbow’s continued defiance cannot be tolerated by the peace-loving ponies of the free world. In response, Rainbow Dash has offered Tank for inspection, a very clever move. It will take weeks for Tank to get to the inspection center and by then it is likely the case will be forgotten.

    Gumshoe’s Corner
    (EI Muckraker Section)

    APPLE JACK NO LONGER ALLOWED TO SHEPHERD CATS
    By Gumshoe

                Ponyville resident Apple Jack has recently begun shepherding cats. Reports are still coming in, but the casualties are in the thousands. All citizens of Equestria beg Apple Jack to cease this confusing, if impressive, feat.

    EI Freelance Section
    Stories Written by You!

    EQUESTRIA LAUNCHES TV CHANNEL FOR LITTLE FILLIES
    By Boogster Su

    Everywhere, all around Equestria, multimedia is spreading. Everywhere. Even in the biggest cities like Manehattan. And where there's cities, there are single-family ponies enjoying every single type of media: television, Internet, fictional stories written by themselves, and even (eeyup, you guessed it) newsprint. However, studies have shown that there is an ever-growing amount of violent content that is not acceptable to fillies. If fillies keep exposing their young minds to that type of content, experts agree that they will eventually get the wrong message and may attempt several stunts involving high explosives. They also might lose their educational value.
    That's why the only public television station in all of Equestria, known as the Equestria Broadcasting System, is planning to launch a fresh, new 24-hour TV channel that will start airing in January 1st, 2012. Here is what they are saying in a press release:

    The EQUESTRIAN BROADCASTING SYSTEM is proudly launching a brand-new 24-hour television channel that will be widely known as EBS KIDS, a 24-hour channel featuring all the latest cartoons and TV shows that is fun for the whole family: the filly, the mare, and the stallion! 
    The Princess of Canterlot herself is signing off on this new channel, saying that this country "needs a safe environment that will teach kids the actual face in an adult pony's life."
      
    Some various cartoons that will feature on this channel include, but are not limited to:
    Winona Speaks
    Marethur
    Cyberchase
    Mareney & Friends
    Staillou
    The Cat in Applejack's Hat
    Curious George
    Dragon Train
    Sid the Science Sloth
    Super What The Hay
    My Little Thomas
    WordMare
    The Magic Cheerilee Bus
    Mr. Ed the Big Red Horse
    Mr. Ed's Filly Days
    Jay-Jay the Blue Jay

    There will also be live-action TV shows that will become available to this channel. They will include, but are not limited to:
    Teleponies
    Stirrup Street
    Filly Nye the Science Pony
    TROT! with Mail Mailmare
    Reading with Rainbow Dash
    Grannyland
    ZOOM
    The Wonderbolt Company
    My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

    There will also be an on-demand website that will feature episodes that you may have missed on TV, called EBS KIDSVIDEO (also known as EBS FILLIESVIDEO). Fillies won’t have to miss a single episode. They will also play games, and their parents will see their filly’s progress report, to see if they are well-educated from playing educational games. For a filly’s mind, it’s only a point and a click away!
    Funding will be provided by the Corporation for Pony Broadcasting, Equestrian Innovations, the Equestrian Mental Institution, the Equestria Environmental Health Department, the Equestria Public Health Department, and the Equestrian Science Foundation (with the help of Twilight Sparkle).
    And our contributions from EBS Kids to your Fillies Like You. Thank You!

    Pony Ads

    PARTY CANNONS NOW FOR SALE

                Hey there everypony, I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m talking to you over the newspaper! Actually, it’s not me talking but the words I’m writing that are talking. It’s kind of like I’m talking to you but you’re reading this paper so it’s not really me talking. Unless you’re imagining I’m talking to you. That would mean my voice would be in your head! That would mean I’m in your head! But how would I fit in your head, unless you were a giant or something – but I don’t think you’re a giant. Not that I don’t think there’s giants out there it’s just I don’t think they buy this newspaper.
                Hmm.
                Oh yeah! I have party cannons for sale at Sugar Cube Corners! Use them to explode any party instantly! Now you’re imagining me using a party cannon in your head, aren’t you? Yay! Party in your mind! Come join me, it’s fun in here! Hello! Now you’re in your head with me in your head and we’re having a party! Have some punch.

    BREAKING THE 4TH WALL A MOMENT

                I want to issue a direct apology to any member of Studio B who read the first article in issue #14 and took offense. It was meant to be humorous, not critical or hateful in any way. My humor can seem critical at times (after all, it’s modeled after a tabloid) but please rest assured that any attempt I have to be funny is out of a deep love and respect for the work that you do. Please accept my sincerest apologies for any unintended bad feelings that were experienced either from this or other issues. Rest assured, I will make it my goal to preserve the integrity of this piece as an homage fiction from here on out. Thank you again for all that you do.

    Thanks for reading, folks! To submit freelance to the Equestria Inquirer, email Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. To see our YouTube channel, click here: http://www.youtube.com/user/JoeStevensInc?feature=mhee. Join us next week for Issue #16!

    33 comments:

    1. I really need to catch up on the last four weeks of these. I'll get to it...eventually. This one already is entertaining, I think I'll start here, then.

      ReplyDelete
    2. Party Cannnons for sale? OMG OMG OMG o.o

      First?

      ReplyDelete
    3. Really liked the video version! Would, of course, need some better camera, but other than that, just great!

      ReplyDelete
    4. Oh Pinkie, Balloons being equal to ponies is still smarter than half the ideas Blueblood has come up with though.

      ReplyDelete
    5. Argh, first I press post instead of preview and then I accidently load a bookmark and wipe my comment.

      The Party cannon article is brilliant, almost as good as "good news everyone" and I love the Filly Nye in that show parody list.

      For those who don't know what it's based of has the best theme in the world: Here

      I got a good laugh out of this whole thing.

      ReplyDelete
    6. So what have we got here. Let's see: Pinkie being Pinkie, more proof that Rainbow is the greatest living weapon alive, EBS kids (with references to just about every kid's show I've ever come across), and......NO WAY......PARTY CANNON'S!! WHERE DO I SEND MY DEPOSIT?!!

      ReplyDelete
    7. Seth, are you aware that the DA page link just goes to Blogger? Seems like that might not be right.

      ReplyDelete
    8. Oh, and honestly, I wouldn't be worried about the story from last week. It was pretty damn funny, and I was asking myself the same question about what was going to happen to all the runaway carriages now that they'd all quit.

      ReplyDelete
    9. Party canons are so yesterdays news.

      Nuclear Party Bombs are all the rage nowadays. Since they cause rage the parties are at least ten miles wide in diameter from the epicenter. Also no pony, monster, human, pooka, khajiit or otherwise will become wallflowers and will enjoy themselves forcefully.

      ReplyDelete
    10. @D. Shadows

      Nuclear Party bombs are banned under the terms of the Canterlot party regulation convention.

      A bomb that causes every major commercial function to stop working and enjoy themselves, theres no quicker way to bankrupt a country. (except to put Blueblood in charge)

      ReplyDelete
    11. MLP:FiM under live action list-Best Moment

      ReplyDelete
    12. Hmm, 'party cannons' for sale. Well I could always modify them to shot explosive decorations.

      @Celestia

      Your link doesn't work properly. Also the Futurama referance never gets old.

      Plus, we can both agree that Blueblood is a spoiled, selfish, and self-absorbed horse's ass.

      ReplyDelete
    13. @anyone

      The last part of my previous comment was serious. Not meant to be a joke, but laugh if you must.

      ReplyDelete
    14. @Shadow Heart

      Hmm, the link works when I press it.

      Perhaps it just doesn't like you?

      ReplyDelete
    15. Yo dawg, I heard you like parties. So we put a Pinkie in your head so you can party while you party.

      ReplyDelete
    16. Princess of Canterlot? PRINCESS??? Which Princess???????

      ReplyDelete
    17. The deviantart page redirects me to www.blogger.com :S

      ReplyDelete
    18. Those still looking for the DA page, here it is:
      http://joestevensinc.deviantart.com/#/d4i6lza

      ReplyDelete
    19. Party Cannons!? For sale?!? Pinkie's in my head!?!?

      BEST!

      DAY!

      EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      ReplyDelete
    20. Reading with Rainbow Dash Book List:
      Wonderbolts Popup Book
      My time in the sky, Soarin's Autobiography
      Taking Flight, Spitfire's Autobiography
      Legend of the Sonic Rainboom

      All read in 30 seconds or less, of course!

      ReplyDelete
    21. My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic. Now available on the Equestrian Broadcasting System.

      'head explodes'

      ReplyDelete
    22. To who do I complain about the use of 'filly' to mean 'foal'?

      ReplyDelete
    23. Thumbs up if you proceeded to ask Pinkie Pie if there was anyone else coming to the party.

      ReplyDelete
    24. Eek. They could really use a better camera. But I'm glad they're doing video editions now as well. I hope they keep doing them.

      ReplyDelete
    25. Shoulda been Coco Pie the Science Fly.

      ReplyDelete