Equestrian Inquirer Issue #18 is ready for readers! As always, you can find the PDF Version here, and the new video after the break!
“GIGGLE AT THE GHOSTIE”
COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE AGAINST BEARS
By Joe Stevens
Unreliable Sources and throwing Freddy Baxter into a den of hibernating animals has confirmed that singing the song “Giggle at the Ghostie” is completely ineffective against bears. While previous experiments had proven that laughing at frightening creatures such as monsters imprinted on trees and deranged beavers can destroy such fearful specters, the song has shown absolutely no use in stopping a charging bear who is upset by a roving reporter disturbing its hibernation.
This news comes as a shock to Ponyville resident Pinkie Pie, who had pioneered the defensive method of laughing at anything that was terrifying. She had this to say on the subject, “Okay, I guess that makes sense. Bears, ghosts, that’s two different things. Unless it was a ghost bear! I wonder if that would work!” It took several minutes of discussion to convince Pinkie Pie it was a bad idea to seek out a ghost bear and test whether or not laughing could be effective in deterring its attack.
Our very own Freddy Baxter was present upon this discovery of the song’s ineffectiveness against angry bears. Now to give his take on whether “Giggle at the Ghostie” will continue to be an effective deterrent against things such as badgers, tax collectors, and country western singers, is Freddy Baxter.
“All my bones are broken!” quoted Freddy Baxter after we poked him back into consciousness.
Thank you for that report, Freddy. We hope you get well soon in time for our next experiment to try and see if the song “Giggle at the Ghostie” is effective in making zombie ponies disappear. Stay tuned.
“I can’t feel my legs!” Freddy quoted after we suggested he be used to test the song against zombie ponies.
SUPPOSED NEW CUTIE POX OUTBREAK
JUST A VERY UNSKILLED COLT
By Freddy Baxter
Excuse the lack of solid reporting here but I’m currently holed up in a hospital after succumbing to horrendous bear-related injuries.
Continuing our coverage of the contained outbreak of cutie pox that happened in Ponyville several weeks ago, it seems that the only other incidence of cutie pox found in Ponyville was not cutie pox, but actually a sadly untalented colt named Pips tragically attempting to perform various skills with no ability whatsoever. Watching Pips drop the balls he was juggling, trip in an attempt at gymnastics, and write a novel about swords and wizards that lacked all measure of character dynamics and logical plot direction made everypony assume the colt was sick with cutie pox. However, this was just Pips trying to play, poorly.
The colt was last seen crying without restraint since everypony called him a sick and talentless colt in need of medical attention, which, of course, he’s not. Not sick that is, just tragically untalented. We’re sorry Pips, and hope that our criticism of your standup comedy routine was only met with the reasoned desire for improvement that we meant for it to achieve. Cheer up, we’re sure you’ll figure out something you’re good at someday.
RAINBOW DASH DISCOVERS COFFEE
EI Muckraker Section
DRAGON EARLY WARNING SYSTEM REQUIRES OVERHAUL
Continuing our coverage of the incident where local dragon Spike destroyed nearly all of Ponyville in an uncontained hoarding growth spurt, and let me repeat, the Equestria Inquirer stands by Princess Celestia’s decision to not hold Spike responsible for the destruction he wrought. A similar incident occurred when Berry Punch first discovered a certain inebriating beverage, and she was not held responsible for the property damage caused. In fact, I seem to recall it being a rather fun event, though the details of the memory are fuzzy.
What needs to be discussed is the early warning system that should have prevented this event from happening in the first place. For years, ponies have relied on a siren system that can warn of cutie pox, zebras, and Rainbow Dash waking up on Tornado Tuesdays, so why has there not been a more reliable way of warning when there is a dragon stealing our cheese sandwiches? I just bought that cheese sandwich and Spike didn’t even eat it he just tossed it in that barrel where he trapped the Wonderbolts!
Princess Celestia did not respond to requests for comments on the failure of this early warning system to give ponies adequate time to prepare for the dragon attack, but a spokespony stated that they are working to improve the siren system to incorporate new dangers such as sudden dragon growth and falling whales called into existence in the upper atmosphere. Such needed improvements can only come too soon.
Stories Written By You!
NEXT YEAR’S HEARTH’S WARMING EVE PAGEANT
TO BE DIRECTED BY MICHAEL HAY
In a surprising announcement, Princess Celestia declared today that next year's Hearth's Warming Eve pageant in Canterlot will be directed by Michael Hay, famed director of the PranceFormers movies.
"This year's pageant was wonderful, and I'm very proud of all of my little ponies," Celestia said, "However, these are modern times, and kids today need something that's more exciting. We need to buck it up a notch."
We sat down with Mr. Hay during one of the rehearsals and asked him how his vision will improve on past iterations.
"One word: explosions!" he said. "The huts explode! The mountains explode! The clouds explode! And all the background ponies? They explode!" He clapped his hooves in glee. "Even the explosions explode! And, to really immerse the audience, I'm going to rig random seats to explode, too! Soon, everypony will see that it IS possible to explode twice!"
I asked the director if he will be adding more than just explosions to the proceedings.
"Yes! I will be bringing in two new actors to take the lead roles: Shia leHoof and Megan Trots. They're the hottest duo in Equestria right now!"
When I pointed out that Mr. leHoof was a colt and that all the lead parts were female, Mr. Hay shrugged. "Eh, shouldn't be much of a stretch for him."
According to Mr. Hay, in this version the windigos are cyborgs that attack from the dark side of the moon with a massive death ray. Also, they can transform into vehicles for some reason.
He added, "I'm also giving Private Pansy a rail gun."
Fluttershy, who at the time was practicing on stage, giggled as she hefted the large prop weapon. "Who's the pansy NOW!?" she squeaked.
Despite rumors of serious injuries during rehearsals, and the fact that the theater has burned down twice during preview showings, Mr. Hay is insisting that proper safety precautions are being taken.
"Earplugs will be handed out at the door as we found test audiences were suffering permanent hearing loss." he said. "Also, we'll be installing six inches of bulletproof plexiglass in front of the stage to protect the attendees."
When I asked how that plexiglass will protect the audience from the randomly exploding seats he had previously mentioned, the director began trembling and angrily shouted "MICHAEL HAYSPLOSIONS!"
It will be almost a year before everypony will get to see Mr. Hay's unique version of Equestria's classic play. However, despite this a sequel is already being planned, tentatively titled "Hearth's Warming Eve 2: Revenge of the Foal-len".
SMARTY PANTS DOLLS IN HIGH DEMAND FOR HOLIDAY SEASON,
TWILIGHT SPARKLE SUSPECTED CAUSE
Relatives of young fillies and colts across Equestria are looking everywhere this holiday season in an attempt to get their hooves on this year's hottest must-have item. "I have searched high and I have searched low, low and high, high and low, for a Smarty Pants doll for my sister Sweetie Belle! Alas, I cannot find a single one and Hanukklop is just around the corner," exclaimed Rarity, a popular designer in Ponyville.
The doll, which retails at around six bits, comes with her own notebook and quill for when you want to pretend she’s doing her homework. While the exact reason for the sudden boost in the doll’s popularity is unknown, rumors have begun to spread, pointing fingers at famed unicorn, Twilight Sparkle. An inside source, who shall only be named as “Mare Do Well,” informed our reporter that Twilight is in cahoots with Haybro, the toy company that manufactures Smarty Pants dolls.
“She’s been using some sort of attraction spell on the dolls to make everypony go absolutely loco-in-the-coco over them,” Mare Do Well explained. “Haybro has also been giving her a 15% cut on all profits made from each sale.”
When asked to comment, Twilight Sparkle nervously stated that she thought she heard her laundry calling and slammed the door on us. If the sources end up being confirmed, this wouldn’t at all conflict with a previous incident of an attraction spell getting out of hand in Ponyville. Whatever the reason is, Smarty Pants are flying off the racks in nearly every department store in Equestria. If you are seeking to get your hooves on one this season, make sure to get out there early, because chances are there will be a long line of patrons on the hunt for one.
TORNADO TUESDAYS NOW BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND
Okay Ponyville, I know that I’ve been getting a bad rap here in this paper. But the most awesomest, coolest, fantabulous pony that ever tore apart the skies, that’s right, Rainbow Dash, is here to set the record straight on this Tornado Tuesday thing. And if there’s one thing I like, it’s records, so I’m setting it straighter than anypony else. Okay, so, here’s the deal. Ponyville is just this place, this thing, right? And it doesn’t move. It just sits there. Things that don’t move are lame. Things that fly are cool! So with all the ponies sitting there bored, I decided to kick things up to a new level of coolness by bringing in a sudden up and downgust with winds in excess of ninety miles per hour! You should have heard Twilight screaming with joy the first time I did it! So get ready for tomorrow, ponies. I’ve got my double espresso set to extra bold. Tornado Tuesdays are back! And don’t worry about the damages, that’s what the sirens are for, to warn you the awesome is coming!