Description: A series of single-page vignettes reflecting Luna's dreams, and her eventual coming-to-terms with her past.
Looks like a good one.
"A series of single-page vignettes' I don't normally read Grimdark... but i might give this a shot...
This is a very bare looking story, though it's about Luna, will read!
Snarkle/Sordid's style is very good at making you feel like you are almost in the shoes of the characters. Lind of like a lucid dream. This can be either epic or disturbing depending on the subject matter.
Twilight SnarkleA very interesting name...
I always appreciate concise packages
Interesting read there...
This already sounds good! *Downloads and puts on desktop*
@Qazarar - Thank you. It's one of my longest-edited pieces, and conversely, one of my shortest. Takes me a LONG time to cut down to the nitty-gritty.@wackyteen & Jelfes - Please do! Let me know what you think.@DPV111 - Um... *blush*@TillsterRulz - So is yours. ;)@PaperCamm - Making each scene a single page was a trial, I tell you.@TheIdlingRev - Thankies Kindly.@Lunar Administrator - Hooray!--Feel free to ask anything you like regarding the story. I'm so pleased at the positive reception, especially after Nightmare Night!
Ooh, I thought that name sounded familiar! "Two Ponies" still makes me tear up.I was going to read this anyway, but it's just been bumped up from "eventually" to "right now".
Well written, not very grimdark at all. Happy ending and everything. :)
First off, I'd like to congratulate you for an entertaining read, Snarkle (Or do you prefer Sordid Euphemism?). I always enjoy seeing a writer's take on exactly what went on between Celestia and Luna when they had their falling out. Yours was the first I've seen that had Celestia needing to be rescued, so I was pleasantly surprised to see you steer off the beaten path.That said, I'd like to offer some criticism. You seem like a budding writer and avid reader, so there must be some good influences on your style somewhere. Contemporary lit today is great for word choice, character setup and scene flow, and that's where I think you could use some improvement.Your word choice in the opening paragraphs are what I call "word soup." Lots of very descriptive, very distinct words thrown together to flood the reader with chunks of scene-setting that all melts together. I'll point to this line: "The movements of the slick basalt made any purchase rare and tenuous... four silver-clad hooves made constant contact against the convulsing block of stone."All this sentence really does is say "this rock is hard to stand on and is shaking." It can be cut down and even combined with my next issue: character setup and scene setting.The character of the chancellor had a lot of potential. Why was here there, in the middle of what seems to be Ground Zero? Why is he standing up to what amounts to his Goddess, and how is he taking it? Are his actions motivated out of care for Luna or loyalty to Celestia? Expressing the desire to save her can mean many things, all of which are revealing about his personality.What I'm getting at is that you need to make us care about him, because he deserves so much more than to be a throwaway character. This is a man of incredible moral courage. Don't let him die without acknowledging that. Let us get into his head! I'll rewrite the line above in a way that allows the reader to empathize with the chancellor much earlier than you "introduce" him.The raft shivered and shook as the lava pulsed around it. Oakheart struggled to keep his footing; his hooves slipped over the slick rock every time he shifted his weight. Still, he kept moving, refusing to fall. He could as much give in to his bleeding, ragged body as he could give up on the Princess.She stood before him, silver-shod hooves planted firmly upon the rock. She was immovable and unshakeable, her stance solid even when the raft threatened to tip sideways.The alicorn watched silently as Oakheart bled before her.This establishes the scene, sets the tone and motivations, and provides tension. It establishes that the chancellor (who I'm giving a name because, damnit, I want to :-D ) is the one pressing the action and is desperate to do so. It also does it without using so many big words.I realize that different writers have different styles, but branching out of your comfort zone is important, too. I'll leave my e-mail here in case you want to chat or firstname.lastname@example.orgBest regards,~GSS
Its beautifully written :) nice job!
@Glomkettle - =)@Carrin - Thank you.@The Green Shell - I appreciate all criticism, but I think the most telling one is the one you're not giving. It was my intention to show a series of memories and dreams of Luna/NMM, and at the same time shine a little light on the history they've not covered in canon. Each page is a single dream, excising as much as possible while still showing the scenes, pacing, and actions that troubled / haunted Luna. I try very hard to stay out of anyone's head but hers.As for the chancellor? He is mentioned and thrown away precisely because he can be. He is another senseless death on the road to NMM's ascension.Apparently that aspect is being missed. Readers are expecting a cohesive story instead of a series of one-shots that build into a larger picture. That seems to be what I'll need to work on.Thanks for the critique!
-review-Do you like ponies? How about eldritch horrors? If your magical horses need a little Lovecraft, Twilight Snarkle delivers in this series of ghoulish glimpses into Luna's rise as the Night Mare.On the other hoof, moral depth is not this tale's strong point. Those expecting a character study of Nightmare Moon will be disappointed.True fans of horror should read, anypony into [Grimdark] for shock and gore should skip, and those who love a tale of good and evil shouldn't expect too much.-critique-(In which I pick on the weak points and ignore what I like.)@Sordid EuphemismThe Green Shell said pretty much what I wanted to, so I'll keep this short.Your writing is very Lovecraftian. I mean that as a compliment, but I do admit I prefer Poe. "Silence: A Fable" is, to me at least, spookier than "The Festival" because I don't get bogged down in the words as much as swept away. There's a a certain lullaby music in Poe that would be an asset to this tale.The fact that these are dreams should stand in the text. Something as simple as Souseki's technique in Ten Nights' Dreams (Yume Juuya)--starting with "Such have I dreamed."--would help keep the reader on track.
I think there were too many time-skips spaced too close together. Nevertheless, it still made for a decent story.Four stars.