SLUMBER PARTY BOOK CUTS ARSON CHAPTER FROM SECOND EDITION
By Joe Stevens
In a move that has brought no little debate, the Canterlot University Press has announced that the second edition of its popular slumber party book “Slumber 101: All You Ever Wanted to Know About Slumber Parties But Were Afraid to Ask” will no longer include the instructional chapter regarding arson-based activities. Activities such as “Set the Mayor’s House on Fire,” “Breathing Fire for Non-dragons,” and “BURN THEM ALL!” were designated too dangerous for the normal pony sleepover.Free speech activists across Equestria have highlighted this as another example of the overreaching government’s unnecessary intervention into the free will of ponies. Burn victims who were set aflame by these activities, in response, continued to scream in pain as balm was rubbed on wounds suffered during activities such as “You’re a Phoenix Now.”
The book’s author, Forev Eralone, was quoted as saying, “The book doesn’t require you to participate in arson. It merely includes it as a fun activity. I don’t see why “Street Sign Burning Contest” should be left out when “Pillow Fight” and “Makeover” are allowed.” The pony did not comment as to why she was holding a lighter and a can of gas.
Those who made the decision to cut the chapter had not released a statement as they were too busy handling all the lawsuits associated with not cutting the chapter sooner. While the legal ramifications of the chapter’s initial inclusion and cutting are yet to be fully realized, Ms Eralone has completed a new book. “Proper Brushing Etiquette.” The university press has again declined to publish it, however. Innocent seeming enough, apparently the press had questions about the book because it primarily involved well-hidden instructions that inevitably led to the construction of a skud missile.
RAINBOW DASH SUES SPIKE FOR IDENTITY THEFT
By Freddy Baxter
Rainbow Dash, multicolored Pegasus and resident of Ponyville, has filed a lawsuit claiming damages for identity theft done by resident dragon Spike. The specific damages include “impersonating Rainbow Dash in the face of an enemy of Equestria,” “making me look bad,” and “not roarenting Twilight.”
“It wasn’t my fault. Twilight told me to be Rainbow Dash,” Spike insisted, “I didn’t want to be Rainbow Dash. How could you ever confuse me for her? I’m not even blue!”
Despite his legal claim of forced and unwilling identity theft, the claims remain. “I mean come on, he didn’t even try and throw my element at Discord or charge him suicidally. If he knew the elements weren’t going to work he could have at least done something cooler that wouldn’t work,” Rainbow Dash quoted.
When asked about the third part to her lawsuit, Rainbow responded, “Well that would have just been funny. Could you imagine Spike burning Twilight and teleporting her to Princess Celestia? Hahahah! It would have doomed us all but it would have been hilarious!”Unreliable Sources have confirmed that Rainbow has settled out of court with Spike. In other news Twilight has been spotted screaming curses from atop a very tall mountain and Rainbow can’t stop laughing.
(EI Muckraker Section)
BRONIES ARE SOURCE OF DEMOCRATIC TENSION,
The Celestian administration has issued a warning to the “bronies” who have infiltrated the kingdom of Equestria, saying that further dissention and upsetting of the harmony of ponydom will not be tolerated. The trials of which Princess Celestia speaks lie in the recent flood of immigrants who have crossed the border into Equestria from unknown lands, nearly all of them without permission. These Border Renegade Ponies, or “bronies” as they are commonly referred, have come illegally into the land of Equestria and seem to be unwilling to adapt to the social norms found within the kingdom.
“They don’t accept Celestia’s absolute rule. They don’t think magic should change the seasons. And they have a disgusting obsession with discussing ponies of the same gender engaging in intercourse,” quoted the head officer of Immigrations and Customs Enforcement with Criminal Reaction to Equestrian Armed Mandates, or ICECREAM, “No pony questioned the authority of the princess in the past. Things have been peaceful for a thousand years, save for brief episodes with Nightmare Moon and Discord. No citizen of Equestria can deny things are great now so why would we want to change that?”
It seems that the citizenship of these illegally residing ponies is exactly the legal framework being used to challenge the rising voice of the bronies. ICECREAM authorities have attempted to deport the border renegade ponies but have found that they tend to work at low-paying jobs in the tech industry, jobs no pony wants to do, and are very tenacious in their desire to stay and have their voices heard. It seems that when ICECREAM authorities go to sleep, bronies will post calls for democracy all over Equestria and repost the same message many, many times.
While Princess Celestia has refused to enact any of the reforms the growing brony population has called for, echoing remarks that the kingdom is perfect as-is, the border renegade ponies have an unlikely backer: Princess Luna. While legal precedents involving her thousand-year absence have limited her power, Princess Luna remains at least a symbol of power. Luna has not gone so far as to join the cries for democratic reforms being heard from bronies, but she has made attempts to secure their rights to citizenship.
A new bill called the Day Dream Act, referencing how Luna dreamt of the day she could join the kingdom in peace, has been introduced at Luna’s request. The Day Dream Act will allow bronies citizenship in Equestria and the freedom to participate in local mayoral elections. What effect giving citizenship to bronies will have on Equestria remains to be seen but the government of Princess Celestia is watching these ponies very, very closely.
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UPCOMING CONCERT DRAWS CROWD AND CRITICISM
Hundreds of fans are flocking from all over Equestria to Ponyville for the first leg of Maretallica's "Four Stallions of the Apocalypse" tour, which kicks off in three days. But these rabid enthusiasts are equally matched by the number of disapproving citizens of the small town. Residents cite the sheer volume of their concerts as the main concern.
"Do you recall Ponytera's concert last summer? Oh darling, I just couldn't stand the noise!" stated Rarity. "All those guitar solos simply made it impossible to get any beauty sleep. I simply had to call the police on them. And if Maretallica's show proves to be similar, I may just have to do it again."
Other locals are worried about the content of the lyrics being inappropriate for their children. Just last year, the band was under scrutiny for using the expression "kicking a dead horse" in their lyrics. We caught up with the lead singer and rhythm guitarist, James Horsefield, to ask why they included such an offensive line, and whether he was worried about the reaction of Ponyville's inhabitants.
"Our music is meant to shock and provoke," the pony countered. "For far too long, Equestrians have been subjected to the music of the bourgeoisie Octavia, the repetitive electronica of DJ-P0N3, and the mindless pop of Katy Filly. We're an answer to them. We're something new and different. And anypony out there that doesn't understand that can take a buck. Besides, King Diamond Dog sung even worse things when he was in Mercyfoal Fate."
DISCORD GLASS IS THE BEST GLASS!
Greetings pony kind and those of you lucky enough to read my words. I offer you the chance of a lifetime! No, no, my combustible chocolate milk formula is not for sale as yet, though I assure you it will be soon. I’m talking about the absolute mastery of an art form. I’m talking about visuals that will stun and entrance. I’m talking about glass! Yes, glass. No not chocolate milk, stop talking about chocolate milk – why is that all anyone wants to talk about?
Discord Glass is so affordable it’s absolute chaos that I can sell at these prices – huhah! From animated stained glass windows to drinkable drinking glasses, you won’t be disappointed. Unless of course you are disappointed in which case I’ll just break the glass and make it again. Oh, how delightful!Caution: services will be delayed an indeterminate amount of time as I am currently encased in stone. However, you can certainly pay me in advance. I promise you’ll get what’s coming to you. Mwua-hahahhah!
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To submit freelance stories or feedback to the Equestria Inquirer, email Joe Stevens at email@example.com. Join us next week for Issue #8 and be sure to follow us on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/