• The Equestrian Inquirer Issue #4

    Issue #4 is of the Equestrian Inquirer is out! You can find it after the break.




    Issue #4

    DRAGONYMOUS BRINGS DOWN GOVERNMENT HOME PAGES

                Pages in the homes of government institutions across Equestria have been trapped under magically teleported pianos as an anonymous group of dragons, known only as Dragonymous, has begun roarenting to such a degree as to deny the service of these vital ponies.
                As reported in issue #1 of the EI, roarenting is the process of using a dragon’s fiery roar to transport scrolls, books, unwanted fruit cakes, Steinneigh baby grand pianos, etc. to another recipient. Spike and other ponies commonly use this method to teleport letters. Apparently since the Equestria Supreme Court ruled that excessive roarenting of music and books is a copyright violation, dragons across the land have united to oppose this “rights violating” decision.
                Unsuspecting pages in the homes of even Princess Celestia herself, vital communication ponies commonly referred to as “home pages,” have been the target of these roarenting activities. The process works by dragons roarenting a Steinneigh baby grand piano, a marvel of musical skill dating back to centuries of family artisans, to a home page. This knocks the home page down under the weight of several hundred pounds of musical craftsmanship. The dragons then overwhelm the home pages with roarented scrolls requesting service. However, the page is trapped beneath a musically masterful piano, therefore creating a denial of this service. Government groups have begun labeling this a PDoS attack, or, Piano Denial of Service attack.
                As the home pages of leaders all over Equestria are being brought down, pianos hacking down their legs from Canterlot to Ponyville, Princess Celestia has demanded those responsible step forward. The group of anonymous dragons has not come forward with names and refer to themselves only as “Dragonymous.”
                The EI found this letter pasted to a piano that was roarented on top of Freddy Baxter’s head: “We are Dragonymous. We are Wyvern. We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect pianos.”
                There has been no statement from Princess Celestia as to what action her government will take to prevent home pages from being brought down by PDoS attacks, but the EI’s Unreliable Sources claim that the princess considers these to be ill-organized pranksters who aren’t worth using resources to investigate. Her home page was unreachable for comment as the pony was trapped beneath four thousand scrolls and a mahogany baby grand.


    SUMMER WRAP-UP CASUALTIES KEPT TO A MINIMUM
    By Freddy Baxter

    Glorious news as Unreliable Sources have confirmed the total maimings, coma-inducing injuries, boo-boos and people-being-dropped-out-of-the-sky-from-three-miles-ups has been kept to a record low during this year's Summer Wrap-Up. As everypony knows, the citizens of Ponyville hold to the old ways of weather transition. They do not use magic to change the seasons, as those ponies do in places such as Canterlot, but use good old-fashioned hard work and riot police to ensure a proper change in the weather. While the wrap-ups of various other seasons are met with musical cheer, the wrap-up of summer has usually been met with molotov cocktails and Pinkie Pie leading a charging mass of squirrels in a spirited yet futile assault on the mayor's manor.
    This year, however, careful planning and implementation of iron-fisted procedure have kept many a pony and squirrel safe from harm. Most have lauded Ponyville resident Twilight Sparkle for her leadership as All-Team Organizer and the fact that she kept Pinkie Pie locked up in a box made from three inch tungsten plates and secured by a ten thousand volt electric grid.
    It comes as little surprise that the ponies should wish to challenge such a transition of the seasons. Afterall, ponies love the summer! Pegapodes love the clear blue skies, unicorns the calm breezes, and everypony enjoys the uninterrupted bliss of sun and fun and being able to grow apples without using refractive dishes to provide sunlight to the trees or the inevitable cleanup after those refractive dishes accidentally knock various winged creatures out of the sky causing lawsuits galore especially when someponies don't tell you you shouldn't fly a hot air balloon over their apple orchards when they're using refractive dishes I mean come on I broke my favorite porcelain duck figurine and don't ask me why I had it I just did and I was taking a balloon ride over the orchard and bammo instant inferno and is it fun it's not fun I'll tell you that much it hurts it's fire and they broke my duck.
    Most people have claimed the violent opposition to wrapping up summer is simply tradition, that broken femurs and squirrel martyrs are just a part of the normal course of the year. Opponents to this say that the weather should and must be changed in an orderly fashion and that burning the town down, however much fun it may be, should be a tradition no longer continued.
    When asked for why there must be a fall and winter, Twilight Sparkle told the EI some sort of scientific reason that just made us more upset because we'd already put sunscreen on and weren't ready for summer to be over yet. Appeals to Princess Celestia to make a never-ending summer have, as traditional, been rejected and the letter burned in witness to the rioting ponies, also a tradition.


    GUMSHOE’S CORNER
    (EI Muckraker Section)

    TWILIGHT CREATES THEORY OF MAGICAL RELATIVITY
    PINKIE PIE IMMEDIATELY DISPROVES IT
    By Gumshoe

                In an attempt to further understand the inner workings of the magical universe in which we all live, Twilight Sparkle of Ponyville has created what she calls the Theory of Magical Relativity, a theorem which quantifies and relates all magical energies into an understandable framework.
                This theory, as presented in a public symposium catered with various sweets and snacks, stated that Energy in magic is equivalent to the Magical potential of a given object/pony times the Concentration of that energy in a directed area squared, or E=MC2. The theory shocked all members of the scientific community who have long believed that magical energy outputs are, by their nature, unquantifiable. Twilight has stated that this new theory can lead to innovations in magical use, safer training methods, and more predictable results from spells.
                Twilight presented this equation to her companions in the scientific and magic world via  a chalkboard, dramatically writing the theorem before the cupcake-munching crowd. Unfortunately, scientific non-contender Pinkie Pie, who was catering the event, accidentally dropped a tray of cupcakes onto the chalk board. With her customary laugh, Pinkie Pie exclaimed that the equation now read E=MCCUPCAKES!
                Initial dismissal of this new theory proved completely unfounded as the many unicorns present began testing the mathematical and theoretical principles involved in E=MCCUPCAKES. They discovered that when a spell was presented along the parameters of magical Energy equals Magical potential times Concentration raised to the power of CUPCAKES that magic becomes a definable, quantifiable, refinable, chocolate frosting coveredable principle that anyone could apply.
                Further testing has proved that E=MCCUPCAKES works in every situation both theoretical and experimental, earning Pinkie Pie lasting acclaim within the scientific community. Even Twilight, after causing serious bodily harm to herself due to intentionally repeated collisions between her forehead and the chalkboard, has admitted to the scientific soundness of the new equation.
    Continuing along her scientific success, Pinkie Pie has released a subsequent find, stating her Three Laws of Planetary Motion. They mostly involve a bunch of nonsense about balloons and cupcakes hurtling about in space. These have been found to be factually correct on all accounts.


    FREELANCE SECTION
    Stories Written by You!

    RAINBOW FACTORY SHUT DOWN DUE TO RECENT ACCIDENT
    by Poitnblank 90

    A sudden malfunction in one of the Rainbow Making Machines has caused the Rainbow Factory in Cloudsdale to close for an undisclosed period of time. Officials say that a worker mishap had caused the machine to go haywire, causing mass destruction all across the factory floor. Details of the aftermath have yet to be revealed to the public, and a casualty count is currently being undertaken.
    This is the third time such an incident has occurred. We all remember the tragedy of one young pony who accidentally drank raw rainbow. And of course the incident where a massive explosion of refined rainbows that sent brilliant beauty all across the landscape ushering in unadulterated bliss for all who viewed it and causing millions in damage and many, many boo-boos, cannot be forgotten.
    Recent claims that the methods of constructing rainbows have become increasingly more dangerous were met with harsh remarks by the factory’s owners. No word whether Princess Celestia intends to impose harsher regulations. “In these tough economic times, it’s hard enough to make rainbows and keep people working,” quoted the factory’s general manager, Cher Noble, “I have competition from inferior rainbows made over-cloud in other kingdoms. You want to keep these jobs in Equestria you have to…good lord who forgot to turn off the machines! My eyes! My…”
    No other pony in the factory was reachable for comment as it was on fire.


    PONY ADS

    APPLE JACK LOCKSMITHING
    “I’LL GET ‘ER OPEN!”

                Is yer door stuck? Left the keys inside yer hot air balloon? Put that there rare jewel inside a box guarded by magical what-nots? Well I’m Apple Jack and at Apple Jack’s locksmith services, I always say: “I’ll Get ‘er Open!” With just one swift kick you’ll get inside that house, be off on that balloon, and find that rare jewel in the broken pieces of that there box. Ask about my special “gettin’ animals out of trees” service. This here’s my legal notice I was told I gotta tell ya: warning, Apple Jack not responsible for destruction of property or earthquakes in excess of 5.8 on the Richter scale caused by me kickin yer stuff.


    Join us next Monday for EI issue #5!  To submit a freelance article or to give feedback, email Joe Stevens at thenewjoestevens@gmail.com. To view issue #3, follow the link: http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/09/equestrian-inquirer-issue-3.html.