Description: Pinkie Pie has loved Rainbow Dash ever since they met. But when Applejack gets in-between them, Pinkie Pie won't stand for it.
grimdark, shipping, sad? holy cow¡¡¡
This is gonna be yandere Pinkie isn't it?
Lesbian yandere love...AWAY!
What a twist!
QSA: Wow... That was disturbing. O.O
Pinkie, you should be happy for them.. plus you can always ask for a threeway :3
I really enjoyed the idea, but the writing fell a bit short for me. Everything happened too fast, and it felt a bit like you were summarizing a longer fanfic. According to the author tag, it's your first fic submission here, and you definitely have potential. If you didn't, consider tossing a link on /co/ or ponychan first, and take some critique in the docs chat.Hope to see more of your work soon :)
Needs work. Stop telling us what's happening and show us.
Alright, it's official. No matter what other tags it has, as long as it's shipping, I'll read it.I'm scared.
This felt like it progressed WAY too fast. The party, the relationship between AJ and Dash, Pinkie Pie's snap, the revenge... There wasn't any pause, any tension, any time to consider how serious things were getting. Still pretty good, though.
WAIT A MINUTE! Saddlesoap, you're supposed to be working on Twilight Sparkle: Spellbound!
SPOILER: so PP just kills AJ and nopony cares at all?
"Everypony thought it was raining, but it was only Rainbow Dash."And you were doing so well...
@Narwhals' BendI was kinda hoping that people would think that every otherpony besides PP and RD would be mourning AJ. That's why SugarCube corner was deserted besides Pinkie Pie.
Oh god.I love PinkieDashBut I can't stand AppleDashFFFFUCK I WANT TO READ IT BUT I DON'T WANT TO READ IT.
Eh... I ain't gonna read this till I see some better reviews
@AnonymousI felt that leaving it just as "Rainbow Dash cried," wouldn't put enough emphasis on it. Also, the ending was pretty rough for me to think of.
I AM working on Spellbound!This story is incorrectly tagged - I had no part in it!Incorrect tagging is the fastest way to confuse the readership...FOR-EV-ER!!!!
I give it 2/5 stars for a clumsy writing style, poor pacing, and lack of consideration for character development: *Spoilers*Pinkie Pie kills AJ and nopony except RD cares, nopony even bothers to put Pinkie in an Asylum, why does Dash love PP even after she killed AJ, SHOW DON'T TELL.
@Shadowdemon137So there's no punishment for murder? and RD got over the murder of her lover pretty quick.
@SaddlesoapPhew, crisis averted! Sort of, I mean; tag's still there.
@Narwhals' BendIdk. I only typed what I thought.
I'm very glad I'm getting so much criticism. This was my first published story, and all these comments will definitely help me in future projects.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGreat story, you wrote each character really well. I found the fact that Rainbow would forgive Pinkie Pie so easily a bit ridiculous, but I suppose the whole 'murder' things about misunderstood by cartoon horses. Now if you'll excuse me.BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW
*the whole 'murder' thing is understood by cartoon horsesHow did I mess that up?
@BenschacharHmm... I'm glad you're being tough. I guess I need more viewing on this story before I submit it, so more than just my view is seen.
It's kind of hard to take this fic seriously because it's Pinkie Pie with a generic yandere template applied to her. Crazy Pinkie Pie may be Crazy, but she should still also be Pinkie Pie at the same time; that isn't the case here.
Loved the concept, but the story seems rushed. Really really rushed. It's in a hurry to deliver dialog, but it never settles into just painting a scene.Most of the scenes need more color, and the bulk of it reads like a police report. How is pinkie walking, talking, and holding the knife above her head? Prehensile tail? No that wouldn't get over her head.Murder aside... Umm... I think Twilight might be involved at some point. Rarity and Fluttershy might be fine in the long run, but Twilight wouldn't take the removal of half her social network well.She is Twilight Sparkle, student of Princess Celestia, incarna of magic. A little thing like murder-suicide isn't enough to stop her.It's a good concept, but I really didn't enjoy the story.
There was great potential here, and the setup was very nicely done. Around the time Twilight showed up, I was beginning to conjure up fears for where the story was going to go next.But, to be frank, as soon as Pinkie confronted AJ the entire story fell apart. Things started moving far too quickly, none of the ponies were acting in character (not only the fact that the murder appeared to go completely ignored by everyone but Dash who almost instantly forgot, but Pinkie wasn't even really being like Pinkie), you started telling the story rather than letting it happen, and the closer it got to the end the more the story started to seem like unconnected plot points that were sewn together rather than having any flow (almost as if there were scenes that bridged them that were cut out).
@TenchiFreak5Thank you for seeing the potential. Unfortunately, I do agree with you. The ending, after the stabbing, was first going to have Applejack surviving, which might explain the forgiveness part. I didn't really try to think of a different way to put it. I'm still new to this writing fanfics thing, so thank you for the criticism.
Agree with most of everyone else's criticism. A lot of potential in the story, but some poor execution killed the mood.Particularly "show don't tell." Don't tell us that Pinkie is "going insane," that's very immersion-breaking. Wherever you can, you should express the characters' feelings and motives through their actions and demeanors, rather than just stating them. The ending was very rushed and ineffective. With such a strong story as that, you really need a very strong ending to pull it all together.
@AnonymousThank you for describing what "show don't tell" meant. I was a bit confused at what they meant.
Wait... are there no police in Equestria?
@AnonymousWell, I just read it.it was all AppleDash.
Work on imagry and describing.
I don't really care about what everybody says. I think is was pretty damn good because while I was reading it. It sure as hell gave me this really cold feeling.That was some crazy shit. Good job.
@Naxtslet me guess, you're one of those people who think that "Cupcakes" was a masterpiece
@AnonymousI like to think of it as... MY masterpiece.
@AnonymousI guess murder/suicide never came up before?
To anyone who wants to contact me about my story, future projects I will do, things I can work on, or just normal chat/becoming friends, you can either email me, or contact me on Yahoo Messenger or AIM. Yahoo username=Shadowdemon137AIM username=Shadowdemon1375
What the hell did I just read. 1 star.
@Shadowdemon137If there is one thing that one would have made this story much better it would be...uh... a sort of environmental cogency, I guess. Ponyville itself seems so incidental to the plot that halfway through the story I kept imagining that the background was completely featureless. It was even worse because even the rest of the mane cast, who had so much invested in each other felt so pointless.
@BenschacharMaybe I should take animation and make episodes for my fanfics. Would be easier to make, and put my point out.Beside the point. Hmm... I think I see what you mean, but could you describe it a bit more? Just so I understand better and I can translate it to my story.
Mmmm... That was awesome, I assume, but still disturbing and... illogical, maybe? Everypony... or maybe not exactly everypony, but some part of this everypony thing, already mentioned, that it was just too fast and - awww, come on, that's not how you react to the fact, that one of your best friends just killed another your best friend (which is your fillyfriend at the same time). I reaaally doubt that I will immediately go and try to make peace with my best fillyfriend's murderer. Though, I'm not exactly Rainbow Dash...PS: There are also some grammatical mistakes like "Pinkie was headed to Rainbow Dashʼs home," but who really cares? At least not me, I'm not a grammar nazi.Stating the obvious, yourThe Most Evil Pony.
@AnonymousThank you. I will agree that this might have been a bit rushed. I finished this in about a week, and I'm not real good at slowing down and getting every single drop of detail out of something. I am starting another fanfic soon, and I will definitely try to get more detail and have things happen more slowly.
@Shadowdemon137I think he is referring to how the setting that the events happened in didn't seem relevant outside of eye candy, because the characters who were moving to story just happened to show up when they needed to be.Applejack was attacked at Applebuck Acres, and while the attack was happening Rainbow Dash randomly showed up to witness it.Pinkie has no idea where Dash was due to her seclusion (and the idea of a "one day seclusion" is just a weird concept to insert into the story, and it also makes Dash's reactions when Pinkie shows up incredibly out of character), and Dash just happened to be in the first place she looked.And, at the end, Dash not only basically stumbled across Pinkie immediately after deciding she needed to look for her, but she also found Pinkie right after she committed suicide.The characters are more-or-less randomly running into the events of the story, and there is no explanation for why they were ending up in the locations that they were. For that reason, the actual locations that the events take place in seem almost meaningless.
@Shadowdemon137Rushed? This didn't seem rushed at all, and I ended up reading it twice just because I liked it. This made me cry, and I really don't cry that often. I'm looking forward to your next one for sure :3
@TenchiFreak5Ohh, that makes a lot of sense. And I noticed how your examples were towards the end, where I started basically running out of details and just trying to get it done. Thanks for explaining :)
@TDTwixEhh... I'm kind of split on the rushed part. Like you, it doesn't seem rushed to me at all, and I love it personally. But I will agree I could have given a bit more detail and stretched things a little more.
I got five pages in and ragequit.If you want to make episodes, then you should be doing script writing. I have absolutely NO PROBLEMS with scripts. I think they're fun; I goddamn read Hamlet for fun when I was bored a month ago. Dialog is a powerful method of moving a plot and providing action, and if you want a dialog-heavy story, scripts are fine. I'll read them and enjoy them.But when I'm reading prose... my jove please exposition. Describe a setting, describe what a pony feels. Here are two excerpts that REALLY annoyed me, to the point of sharing them in MSN as an example of bad writing:'Applejack walked slowly up to Rainbow, then planted her lips onto Rainbowʼs. Rainbowwas shocked at ﬁrst, but feeling the warmth and caress of the farm-horseʼs kiss soonmelted her, and returned the kiss. They stayed like this for a couple of minutes,enjoying the embrace, but little did they know a certain pony was watching from behinda tree.''Rainbow reluctantly agreed, and walked with Applejack back to the farm. What theponies didnʼt realize was that Pinkie was already dashing for home, darker and ﬂatterthan usual.'As explained, these are prime examples of Show us more, tell us less. don't just read off what happened like it was a history book. Explain their feelings, what they looked like, where they were, what was happening. It doesn't matter that the ponies didn't realize it. Sure, pinkie is hiding behind a bush, but them not knowing doesn't matter. Just say she's there. Just write that pinkie pie is heart broken, she's sad, she's in pinkemina mode, something, as she leaves. It doesn't necessarily have to link to the others not knowing.As everyone has said, the pacing is ridiculously fast and I had trouble painting anything that was going on in my mind, because all I had were entities talking. Even parts that were emotion driven or had inflection in speech were awkward and difficult to read.You have had this proofread right?
I WANT A SEQUEL!!
Let's be fair here, so I will say what I liked and what I didn't like of this story.- I really liked the idea. It's a really good concept and it brings to my head the term "Greek Tragedy" with ease.- I liked some of the dialogues. Undoubtly this could've worked as an episode.- I liked the portrayal of Rainbow Dash, but of course, that's because she's my favorite.- I didn't like certain parts of narration. Some segments were fairly good described, but others didn't give enough detail.- I think there could have been even more violence, or how about Rainbow Dash flying to the highest point she could reach and then letting herself froze to death? That could have been glorious.Anything else I was okay with. This calls for either a sequel.
@NinesTempestIt does sound a lot like a script, and I guess that was what I kinda aimed for. I'm sorry I made you ragequit.About the proofreading, I technically did have it proofread, but not to the proofreading that this story could have gotten. Mainly my proofreaders (My friends on Facebook) just checked for spelling/grammar/etc, and not really on what was described here in the comments. I shall make sure to have it more proofread next time.
@James CorckThank you for doing both like and dislike. Helps with knowing what I'm doing right as well as wrong. I agree with the narration part, I could have done much better in that area.A sequel? Hmm... Might consider. I am writing an alternate ending to this, as well as writing a new fanfic atm. I'm confused on how to make a sequel of this however. Half of the mane cast is dead, where would I sta... Just got a partial idea.
Well I just decided to read the rest of it because I probably owe you that much.Unlike some people complaining here, I don't think it was a big deal to have Rainbow Dash flying by and seeing what happened. Coincidences happen all the time, and being so soon after AJ kissed RD, it isn't remotely a stretch that she'd be there a lot, or just that next day. I also think that if PP was that obsessed with RD, and she was already losing her sanity (though that is never explained, though her being nonchalant about AJ dying was kind of oddly in-character), then that was done just as well.What DID bother me was, as everyone else has said, is the lack of police. The lack of action by anyone else in the entire fic. I remember where, just before you transition (sloppily) to the orchard on page 1-2, you have TS meeting Rarity. There was literally no reason for this meeting to happen because you barely use TS and Rarity goes without mentioning. The rest of the story was Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Even in prose, most of the things involved should be what move a plot forward, just like in a play.More descriptions besides the violence for the love of god. It's almost insulting that you never describe the orchard, sugarcube corner, the party in-depthy, how anyone appears, you transition "this pony was doing this in this direction," and suddenly there's a paragraph of PP stabbing AJ. Gore is fine but it makes it look like you almost intentionally didn't do anything else.When you're writing, even fanfiction, never let the subject matter carry you. Treat the story as something that stands alone, EVEN if it obviously doesn't. Read all of the best fanfictions on this site, and you will see a few patterns: Ponies are given descriptions, even though everyone already knows what they look like from 26 episodes of a fantastic show! They describe emotions, even though we know what the ponies look like and how they react to most situations in general! When you write fanfiction, all you are doing is taking a fictional universe that already exists and writing into it. Therefore it is still your own creation you are writing. You can't expect the reader to do everything. Emotional Investment is necessary for the story, describing locations is necessary for painting the imagery and characters in our heads, real transitions and describing actual motions and actions instead of announcing intentions.Eugh, I'm sorry but there is just a LOT wrong with this fiction.To end on a happy note, the subject matter IS pretty interesting, but for something like this to happen it would probably take a lot longer. Seeing PP go actually insane would be an interesting development, especially the murder. I don't see the need for a sequel though, just 2-3 more pages about the rest of the three, and how RD lived on that mountain.
@Shadowdemon137Don't. Just Don't. 12 year olds shouldn't be attempting to write. I don't know if there's a lower rated story anywhere on this site.
@NinesTempestI'm grateful and sorry that you read it again.Thank you for realizing that. I guess I should look at it outside of my own mind, but I was kinda hoping that one was self apparent.The transition was the point of having that scene with Rarity and TS. As you've stated, it was sloppy, so not seeing the point of having that scene is understandable.Descriptions, which my excuse is basically answered in your next paragraph, was that I assumed everyone would know what each place/character did/looked like. I didn't intentionally try to do it, I just didn't think outside the demographic.This paragraph helps me a lot. It tells me to think less about my knowledge and more about no knowledge (if you catch my drift). I really have no excuse for this.Hmm... After all of these outside views and opinions, would you want me to try rewriting this story?I'm thinking about the subject of a sequel, if I make one. I could make a totally 'nother story that follows this, but idk.Just wanted to thank you once again. This will help me in anything I plan to write in the future.
@AnonymousGlad I'm not a 12 year-old. And when you can't find another one on this site, then tell me so I can think about it and continue writing anyways.
@Shadowdemon137Wait until you hit puberty, then try rewriting it.
@AnonymousGood sir, I think you are trolling. Please refrain from doing so.
Probably mentioned alreadybut I think the scene where Dash comes in to the Sugar Cube Corner was bad.Dash just got in there like if nothing had happened, then she saw "punch" stains.I think that Dash would have recognized the blood, I mean, she saw how Pinkie was killing Applejack, then carried her to the hospital.So if Dash had to guess, she would be alert "She might have killed some other pony!" instead of "oh it's just punch"It was like if Dash had forgotten EVERYTHING that happened before.If it was a character like Twilight, Fluttershy or Rarity, it would be acceptable since they don't know anything
@Shadowdemon137That's exactly right! The narrator must operate on the assumption that the reader has absolutely no knowledge, and it is your job to give necessary information. Obviously, the goal then becomes not describing every single little thing that ever happened ever, and narrowing down the story to necessary events to drive the plot.Yes, I do like helping you, even if I can honestly say I didn't like this. I've seen more than one writer redeem themselves on this blog, so I hope you do to.
@AnonymousYou do have a point. I wasn't really thinking much about details, and the ending from when Pinkie walks to Rainbow's house was edgy for me to write.
@NinesTempestThat makes sense.Hmm... You wouldn't mind if I asked if you wanted to be my pre-reader/proofreader/whatever the hell else I need, would you? You can say no if you want haha.
@Shadowdemon137Sure, just be sure to send me something. Some authors have said I can proofread for them and nothing has come up from them in a while...firstname.lastname@example.org; just shoot me an email sometime.
@NinesTempestAlright thanks. I don't know when I'll write/rewrite atm, but I'll send you something when I get it.
Alright, I'd like to make things clear. I am not giving an excuse to make this look like a masterpiece. I agree that it is a bit rushed. I agree that it could have had more detail in all factors of it, including character, locations, and emotions. I agree that it was more "tell" and not "show". I agree that it could have been less sloppy. I agree that I was focusing a little too much on the main three. BUT I will not agree on quitting. This is my first fanfic (and my first actually published work) that I have made, and I'm the type of person that goes off examples. I enjoy writing these (as do a few of the people that read this). I enjoy writing what comes to mind and being creative. I enjoy doing something I like. I am still learning, and hoping that I can someday make an awesome story. That is all.
@Narwhals' BendThe hell does that mean?
Jesus, I thought it was good. I get the feeling that you guys dislike something other than the writing. Too many hardcore Pinkie Pie fans here?
@Shadowdemon137Don't let bad reviews get to you.Everyone here seems to be so critical, I just think it's the lack of new pony episodes.It seemed as a great start, and the only thing you can say is that it's going to be a learning expirience.I think you did beautiful for a first time, and even though others can't admit that even though they are too nervous to post/make their own, you still did.Congrats on your first. Hope it teaches you, and remember, it's all what you make of it.-LoveFluttershy
@So manyI know. Also, I pretty much noticed that I have gotten more ratings and comments than the normal new story.It'll only help me in the future.
@Shadowdemon137Hey, if it works it works.Nothing like knowing what people don't like.
Holy fudge, that's way to dark for mlp. This coming from an amateur author who just finished a scene about a psychotic intoxicated serial killer...
Ok. so this story was enjoyable, but I gotta say I'm not a fan of this being so... soooooo Grimdark. I mean, there's like no silver lining, whatsofuckingever. Maybe I'm just too new to the whole Grimdark concept but I feel like there was more middle grounds.Like after the horrific stabbing AJ lives but is like paralyzed. Still allows RD to have intense anger towards PP, but allow for some room for more plausible forgiveness. PP still dies, and both RD and AJ have to deal with causing the suicide of one of their best friends.
my favorite part of this fic was how almost literally nopony gave a shit about the fact that applejack was MURDERED
@AnonymousI didn't think about it much. My mind made the impression that everypony would be mourning for her, or Rainbow was in so much shock she never said it was a murder. I'll be sure to think outside the box next time.
On page 10: Ohhh... Pinkie is dead, no more parties... Then my mind said: is that ya single problem???
For some reason lesbian pony lvoe is cuter than real life XD(D4SHTH3R4INB0W)
Personally, I think the story should have chosen either Grimdark or Shipping.Now it's being somewhere in an uncomfortable place in between, where at the end a hasty try is made to redeem Pinkie. But as mentioned a lot, having her kill AJ and Rainbow barging in on them providing a witness, it's weird pinkie even gets to stay unquestioned another day. Or perhaps it's a dark society where murder is socially acceptable.But as the story provides an extra filler to while away until season 2, I don't begrudge it being written.
@Sunflower SeedAfter I finish this new story I have been writing up, I will decide whether or not to rewrite this. More than likely I will, but we'll see.
You had me until the ending, when Rainbow's response to Pinkie's murder is simple anger, not vengeance, not call-the-police, just pissed off telling her to go away. Then willing to forgive later. She's willing to forgive murder. That's messed up. There's something very wrong with that. Actually, now that I think about it, how could anyone think that would be normal? Perhaps if no one saw the perpetrator was Pinkie, it would make slightly more sense. But even then...
I'm sorry I must continue, the ending is really terrible, and it disturbs me that someone would write something like that. It's as if it was written by someone who read about emotions and motivations in a book, but never actually experienced them. I understand that originally Applejack was going to live, and maybe that would have worked, but even then, there's a reason attempted murder is treated the same as murder in a court of law.
@BlackWidowerI agree the ending sucked terribly. Heck, I was very skeptical about the ending and how it sounded. Rest assured, I will think more in my stories, and I should be rewriting this after I finish my next story.
@Shadowdemon137I'm sorry, I understand, I know you are planning to edit it. It's just the ending alone disturbs me more then Cupcakes. It still does, I was at the hardware store today thinking: 'What the hell was that? Who would forgive murder!?'Here's a tip I remember from my old J-School prof. Read aloud. Though that's mostly for grammatical errors. Just keep writing, you'll get the hang of it, and I'll be here to continually tear you a new one every time you screw up on motivations...because I care. :DAND I'M OUT!
So, um... is it bad that I shed a few tears at this?
Nah anon I cried a bit too.
That was depressing. How did I manage to choose three incredibly depressing stories in a row? Jeez, I must be a glutton for punishment.Anyway, Good idea for a story, even if it was a bit out there. Dash seemed out of character a tad throughout. Also, pacing and all that good junk that the previous people commented. I did notice that it seemed a little rushed. Keep up the good work, I look forward to more from you.
at first it was funny, but i guess i should have guessed that when the story says grimdark, it MEANS grimdark.
Oh, that wacky Pinkie Pie... What WILL she do next?
I would love to see this in a longer, more complex and well paced version, I can see potential oozing.With that said, the pacing and the undeveloped characters sucked for me.It felt out of character that RD just went a ok with AJ loving her and then being brutally murdered and she just went "meh" and then to "omg I loved you both so much".As i said, if you were to rewrite this story with more twists, more characterisation, feeling and well deserved pacing I think it could easily make for 5 stars!And use their friendship more, I find it hard to believe that none of their friends would care sbout that..
I liked the story, but I just didn't get sad or anything from this one as I do with others, so I can't give any constructive criticism. Sorry. It was still a good read. But aren't there laws in Equestria? Pinkie should have went to jail. Lots of evidence against her.