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[Grimdark][Adventure] More Adventure!
Author: BronyCray
Description: Twilight enlists the help of Rainbow Dash to aid her with a new spell, but new magic can be unpredictable.
Special thanks to unitoone for the new art!All Chapters after the break!
DA
The Night that Never Ended
The Night that Never Ended Part 2
The Night that Never Ended Part 3
The Night that Never Ended Part 4
The Night that Never Ended Part 5
The Night that Never Ended Part 6
The Night that Never Ended Part 7
The Night that Never Ended Part 8
The Night that Never Ended Part 9
The Night that Never Ended Part 10
The Night that Never Ended Part 11
The Night that Never Ended Part 12
The Night That Never Ended Part 13
The Night That Never Ended Part 14
The Night That Never Ended Part 15
The Night That Never Ended Part 16
The Night That Never Ended Part 17
Atrocity
The Night That Never Ended Part 18
The Night That Never Ended Part 19
The Night That Never Ended Part 20 (New!)
Alternates
The Night that Never Ended (All Links)
The Night that Never Ended (All Links)
Additional Tags: Loyalty, Breakdown, Trials, Mistrust, Redemption.
Fan Art!
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519 comments:
Huh. It's nice to see what I thought was gonna be a flame war... be civil?
ReplyDeleteIt think it speaks volumes about the quality of this story that there can be two such vastly different opinions on these things. That it's provoked thoughtful discussion like this is even more telling.
I personally really like the Captain. Others may not. What I do know is that we all love this story, and it's got us investing more emotions than we normally would into it.
Keep up the great work! And keep these discussions alive. They're interesting reads!
@TenchiFreak5I'd agree with you on Rarity; She was self-righteuos as hell. But that's also what the story suggests, and I felt Rainbow had a similar failing, yet we are supposed to agree with her completely. At least that's what it felt like to me.
ReplyDelete@AnonymousYour opinion is equally valid; Mayhap I was simply angry with how nopony was given a chance to voice their displeasure to her face, while Rainbow had ample opportunity to do so. And you are correct with your characterisation of her (though I wouldn't call her 'more loyal'). Had I been Rarity, I probably would've been tempted to rip her face off. Metaphorically speaking. After all, a large part of what they built their identity around was that Nightmare Moon KILLED Rainbow.
ReplyDeleteThis is something that might very well be adressed when Rainbow next meets alternate Rainbow. Seeing another you betray your best friends, for an offer you yourself had the strength to refuse... Could make her a little unhappy.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteIt's not that I don't like the captain. She quickly became my favorite character. I was always a sucker for good characters on the opposite side.
Her decision to get revenge for Spitfire made me a little uncomfortable, but anybody would do the same.
But her little speech to Rarity opened my eyes.
She never considered them true friends? Not even Fluttershy who she knew form her childhood?
But that wasn't really that bad, it wasn't like they needed true friendship for something...Oh wait the elements...
It was her fault that Twilight died, that NMM won.
But she was killed, and all that remained was the Captain.
And what made me hate the captain was her little rant. She saw the true faces of the enemy? And she found them guilty? Guilty for what?
Doing everything in their power to survive? To give them hope for a better tomorrow? Hope that one day everything will be like before? Hope that they could start a family and live without fear?
I'm sorry for the long rant but when I read how she payed her "debt" just left me with a bitter taste in my mouth and the implications of that speech didn't help.
I still hope that this will have a happy ending.
All in all a great story. Can't wait for the next part.
Since nobody got it, the title of this chapter was an ode to Dr. Horrible's Sing-a-long Blog. Nobody got my Maroon 5 referance back in chapter 4 either :P
ReplyDeleteI have some realy mixed feelings about this story.
ReplyDeleteI realy like it but then i hate all these nuisances, some things id never expect, allot im ok with but come on...
too much, but now ive read it this far i have to see how it finishes.
Allot of cliffhangers at the end of each episode, always answering questions with more questions......
I knew it! I knew it since her first appearence! I don't know how, but I knew it!
ReplyDeleteChapter 10 is up, along with a pretty big update. I'm gonna repost it here since I have no idea how many of you actually follow my DA:
ReplyDeleteI have good news and bad news, bronies. The good news is that this story is officially over halfway done! I don't have an exact length planned out yet, but this is the start of the third section out of four. Also, I (just barely) got it up before midnight, meaning that I remained on schedule!
Which, of course, brings me to the bad news. Starting next chapter, every new installment will be uploaded every 3-4 days, instead of the current 2 days. Now that summer is in full swing, I have to split my time between family, friends, travelling, moving, job hunting, and writing. Sadly, writing falls pretty low on the priority queue there, and so I had to make a choice.
I could either upload a crappy, mostly unedited chapter every 2 days, or I can take the time that this story deserves to sit down, brainstorm, and plan out a serious chapter two or 3 times a week. For people reading each new chapter as they come out, I'm sorry, but if I got this far in this series and then ruined it because I wanted to keep a timetable, I'd never forgive myself.
Chapter 10 you say? Well, I stayed up 'til 5am reading chapters 1-9 so chapter 10 it is!
ReplyDeleteOh wow. No, not about the amazing awesomeness of the story so far; many other people have already commented on that. "Oh wow" about this: what's going to happen when (if?) Twilight and RD get back? After everything they've seen so far and everything they're almost certainly going to see before the end, the chances of everything going back to normal in Ponyville...don't look good.
ReplyDeleteAh, I see that I ought to have read the new chapter before posting that comment.
ReplyDelete... Awesome... just awesome...
ReplyDeleteIts kinda typical... for these types of fics...
Yet nobody saw it coming...
OH WELL
Damn this story
ReplyDeleteDamn it to hell
But i enjoy it so much. I cant stop
@Desert Rose
ReplyDeleteBetween this comment and your last one, I can't tell if you actually like the story or not haha
@BronyCray
ReplyDeleteTake all the time you need, good sir. This story is something that deserves the time and attention you pour into it. We can wait; we know it will be worth it.
On a side note, is there any plan for the cast to discover Soaren's fate? I don't think anyone's going to miss the fact that he just disappeared.
@BronyCray
ReplyDeleteI think most of my "I need to read this story all the time" went away after the RD reveal.
And what the anon a few above me said about them going back; just as they mention in part 10... how can they go back? If they do, what about them... will be changed? How will they deal with that? Deal with their friends and knowing that... knowing what their friends might do give... such a horrible situation.
Those two have shared too many experiences to probably, in my opinion, stick close to the group from their world. It's awful.
Also, this is actually one of the adventure fics where I hope you DON'T ship them. Some fics I don't mind shipping because of the intense experiences shared between the characters, some fics I want shipping to happen (like in memories). But here, it would... just make their situation so much worse. It would be the death of them, so to speak.
You did catch me off guard when they both said "I love you," lolwhat.
HOLY S**T. I just read all of this today, and my mind is BLOWN. Wherever it goes from here, I'm detecting some serious grimdark, especially with Trixie and Nightmare Moon.
ReplyDeleteI have no intention of shipping anyone, I love several people in my life without feeling anything sexual toward them. And soaren's death will be mentioned, things were just chaotic in the day immediately following his suicide.
ReplyDelete@BronyCray
ReplyDeleteGood, glad that is out of the way.
There isn't a fic on this site that I anticipate future chapters of more as this one, which is ironic because there isn't a fic on this site that I feel as much dread reading new chapters as this one.
ReplyDeleteChapter 10 is causing both emotions in regards to spiraling my mind waiting for Chapter 11. So many possibilities for where it can go from here.
Just started this story today.
ReplyDeleteThe one thing I can criticize is that I knew who the captain and the lieutenant were right away, without even cheating. Even so, I like how the story is going.
Gotta say I hate Trixie to oblivion.
Anyway, out of the other four, I think the only one who has her head on her shoulders is Fluttershy, even if she is doing something terrible. At least she's aware that she's doing something terrible and making the decision consciously. She may have... sacrificed herself in all senses of the world, but she knows why she's doing it. That is perhaps the strongest type of strength there is.
Not sure about the last chapter, about Trixie mainly...
ReplyDeleteShe's getting a bit annoying now, hum, how to say that... Portrayed as an incarnation of pure, despicable, evilness... Worst than Kefka, Sephiroth, Hitler, etc...
It's like... Is it possible to lay it even thicker, sheeesh...
Not complaining here, but really... Place a limit somewhere and stick to it, no need to add and add and add and add and... We get it, Trixie is an ''ass'' in this story, so to speak, ok.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteI felt Trixie in Chapter 10 to be far more of a ruthless chessmaster than evil. Now, the former obviously tends to imply the latter, but I wouldn't go so far as to say that she was being portrayed in an over-the-top manner.
I read through all the parts (10) today and... damn. I'm enthralled by this story, but I've got a massive lump in my through about Spitfire.
ReplyDeleteTwilight vs Trixie, round two.
ReplyDeleteGet readyyyyyyyyyyy
Fight!
5 seconds later...
FINISH HER!
Fatality.
Seriously, Twilight vs Trixie. And you guys think Ponyville is in trouble? Wait until Nightmare Moon feels her guard captain get squashed. Then it'll be in deep shit.
Need, my, fix, asap....
ReplyDeleteOn Twilight vs Trixie, I don't think Twilight knows any offensive spells. On the other hand, she has the element of surprise. This Trixie don't know what Twilight is capable of.
That assumes they will battle at all. Anything goes.
Also, prediction: At least 2 of the main 6 will not survive this fanfic.
I rewatched Episode 2 today.
ReplyDeleteA small, seemingly inconsequential detail regarding the word choice used during a specific conflict in the episode, combined with a few ideas that I've been discussing with some people on a forum about something that happened in Chapter 2 of the story, almost makes me want to start hedging bets about what one of the more major reveals of the story is going to be.
Of course, I may just be reading too much into things like I was when I thought Spike might still be alive; but I'm working on about a 50%+ accuracy rate with my guesses so far.
wait, is my story being discussed on a forum somewhere and I don't know about it? I thought people just came here and my DA to talk haha
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed it until it started preaching down at me from a soapbox of ignorance about how executing murderers is wrong because "they didn't do anything" and "executing a murderer is exactly the same as killing an innocent person and there are no important differences whatsoever, now stand back while I release this murderer so she can go tell the big boss murderer where everyone is and come kill them all".
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeletePonies.
Also, you seem to never have heard of character flaws and moral dilemmas.
Just because a character does something you don't agree with, doesn't make it bad in any way.
After not being home for 4 days, I finally finished chapter 11. I'm editing and then uploading it as I type this, sorry for the delay
ReplyDeletepart 11 uploaded, email sent, back to looking for jobs now.
ReplyDelete@ a href #c2174042379535674681 >BronyCray /a>
ReplyDeleteOn GTPlanet.net in the MLP thread there are about 10-15 posts that happen rapid fire after each chapter goes up, plus some straggler posts that happen when someone thinks they noticed something small that they want to talk about.
After reading Chapter 11, I'm pleased with just how thoroughly committed Trixie seems to be on orchestrating her own downfall.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteholy crap, that's like a writer's wet dream. I absolutely love everyone at that forum for being interested enough in my story to give it that much consideration.
I skimmed the last 10 pages or so and I have to say, some of you have actually come pretty close (and in a few cases, nailed it) some of my later plot points. Nice.
Good chapter, but it didn't have nearly the weight and punch of the last few.
ReplyDeleteokay, wow... is big mac really gonna poison her?
ReplyDeleteJust read this, first time, all 11 current chapters.
ReplyDeleteAll I have to say is... I smell a Chekhov's Gun. Captain Dash left her uniform behind in New Ponyville, and in chapter 10 it's mentioned that the Shadowbolt's uniforms have an enchantment that identifies the wearer and displays the appropriate rank insignia. What are the chances of the enchantment not being able to tell apart the parallel and local versions of the same pony?
@ Rainbow!DESTroyzG6
ReplyDeleteThat's possible, but I think what is actually happening is that Big Mac was getting wasted as a means to forget and when Rarity started choking up he gave her some of his brandy so she could too.
She was getting liquid from a different bottle than him.
ReplyDeleteI'm... not sure where poison came from, but I don't think it was brandy.
@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteHe was drinking brnady and she was drinking water. it wasnt until the very end that he started giving hr his drink.
Yeah, that makes sense. More sense than poison...
ReplyDeleteBig Mac Poisoning Rarity? I know this is a Fallen world Timeline But I do believe Mac has retained some of his honor and wouldn't poison Rarity. Even though he could be twisted. Though I don't think BronyCray has plans of killing Rarity yet. However given the impending Attack on Ponyville I'd say that's when she is most likely to go.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous I'd also like to add that this song was going through my mind when Rarity was actually starting to see the issues New ponyville was facing
ReplyDeletehttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHv8IACWSpM
I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I am absolutely ecstatic to see Rarity's stupid delusions being popped one by one.
ReplyDeleteAlthough I'm not so happy that everyone knows she's a fraud and rather than replace her, they take it in stride.
I really hate this story because it's so good. It's so intense, so gripping, and so realistic that I just get frustrated when I read it. You've added depth to each of the characters, in a sense where I really don't want to believe that each character is capable of what they are doing, but I know they are. You are an amazing writer, and I dont know if I can look at Ponyville another way again. Im really hoping for a happy ending, but from what I've seen, that may be impossible. The ponies need to get out those elements of harmony now before they all die, and the characters are nowhere near ready to use the element they represent. I'm afraid Twilight and Dash are going to have to abandon this universe.
ReplyDeleteJust in case you didnt get this, I think this is an amazing story well deserving of 6/5 stars. I hope this great writing continues.
Oh my god this is dark.
ReplyDeleteI love this.... it makes me so sad, but I really, really REALLY want this to have a happy ending, and I can't wait for the next installment. I so want Alt. Rainbow to be a protagonist, but I'm unsure whether I should like her, despite me really wanting to. I just hope that it all turns out well for all of them.
@ a href #c2707725232690867941 >BronyCray /a>
ReplyDeleteBronyCray, I'd -really- love to do fan art for this series like I did for the Dark Equestria story. I... Just can't pic a moment I'd like to depic, its all SOAWESOME. -rainbow dash like squee-.
I can hardly wait for more!
Also, grats on being a 6-star story!
Welcome to Abyssea - Equestria. I wonder if anyone will get that.
ReplyDeleteI foresee Trixie failing miserably or pulling a Kefka..
Read this from start to finish (or least to the latest chapters).
ReplyDeleteI gotta say, I haven't really been enthralled by a story for a long time.
The story is dark as hell, but reasons are always justified.
I fricken love what you created so far. Engaging, empathetic, fun, great narration, daunting, suspenseful, and did I mention grimdark as fuzz?
Good job.
I am anticipating MORE.
ReplyDeleteGod, I wanna find out what HAPPENS next.
SOO GOODD
I'm just here to state that I really, really enjoy this story. a lot. Seriously. I just wanted to encourage the author to continue writing and eventually finish this amazing story up. I desperately hope it has a satisfying ending.
ReplyDeleteI'll be reserving my actual thoughts and criticisms until it's finished though. Good luck.
Theory time!
ReplyDeleteAlternate-Twilight is still alive. She and Applejack are the resistance. That could be Applejack's lie.
When Twilight was pouring over her notes, trying to figure out what went wrong with the spell - she mentions that the presence of Rainbow Dash would have caused a pulling effect - but you would still need a base to be pulled towards. It's possible that Alternate-Twilight interfered with the hopes of getting help from a universe that defeated their Nightmare Moon.
-OR-
Alternate Twilight really is dead, but the void she left is what drew our Twilight to the other side.
-Orrrr-
It's all Rainbow Dash's fault anyways.
Probably the latter. haha
ReplyDeleteThis is the absolutely the best fic I have ever read. The pacing, story development, suspense and all that jazz is phenomenal.
ReplyDeleteThe anticipation of a new chapter and seeing what happens next is tearing me apart.
Good job man.
*eagerly awaits next installment*
ReplyDeleteWhen Rarity finds out that Applejack's been lying and there *is* no resistance and that the water supply is contaminated and it's Rarity's fault for not checking the safety...
ReplyDeleteWell she's gonna be the unhingiest pony around. XD
Rarity reminds me of myself playing Dwarf Fortress. "No, you *can't* have a bed! The engravers are still carving the frescos in the bedrooms. What do you mean the engravers have starved to death? Ah, well. Pick up a chisel. The sooner you finish, the sooner everyone can sleep."
ReplyDeleteSo, Chapter 12 is going to be when the shit hits the fan.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, Rarity/Bic Mac are plastered, all of Twilight's warnings are coming to fruition (because I'm assuming the disease has something to do with the contaminated water Twilight warned about in Chapter 6), Dash is still injured, and Applejack is having serious trust issues towards everypony (and something about how she has been describing The Resistance doesn't sit right with me). And Captain Dash doesn't seem like she is in any position to perform according to my predictions from the end of Chapter 9 (unless she is just screwing with Trixie, which I suppose is possible to an extent).
This is not going to end well.
Why do I like this fic series so much?
ReplyDeleteConfound these ponies they drive me to grimdark.
F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5 F5...
ReplyDeleteNew chapter goes up tomorrow, but it's 4 am here and I'm tired. Expect my DA to have it around 1 or 2 in the afternoon (EST)
ReplyDeleteI see you have posted the new chapter brony! Thanks alot! Reading it now.
ReplyDeleteStunning....what an amazing piece of work.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to see the next update.
Looks like all the Unicorn ponies need the "kick"
ReplyDelete*Spoilers*
So am I right in assuming that Trixie pulled an Inception on the Unicorns in Ponyville
It's okay. I wasn't planning on sleeping tonight anyway.
ReplyDelete=O
ReplyDeleteThat chapter is a serious candidate for "WTF of the Year" award.
....... D:
ReplyDeleteWelp, Ponyville's fucked.
ReplyDeleteThe situation they are put in is just plain pathetic seriously.
ReplyDeletebtw, Rarity wasn't 100% right to kill them off right away, If it was me I would have tortured them both to spit out every bit of info they had and because my curiosity would have killed me I would olso get rid of their masks, finding out that RD of this world is accualy NMM's right had, lol had this happened, I don't even want think about what they would do to RD...
As for RD my feeling are mixed, I still don't know what's her purpose, the only thing that I have figured out is that she deliberately tricked her friends to believe that she was killed by NMM (hence the screams they heard) but she joined her instead, try to do what exactly? save Equsteria from the goddess of the night? yeah right...
Then she raided Ponyville, let them poniez live to rot in a mountain cave (with Rarity as a leader zomg epic facepalm) and screw the world over with spitfire or something, I realy can't see where is all of this going.
So I finally popped in out of cupcakes and schism land, over to here. It's bout 8am and I started at 3 or so.
ReplyDeleteThis story. It made me anticipate. It made me question. It confused and pulled me. But most of all? It made it mad. I've read my share of good writing... but never that.. that fire.
Everything that's happened. The Captain. ...Spitfire. Rarity's oblivious attitude (and I'm one to tout her as best pony, but I wish Big Mac woulda bucked her into the crowd instead. That's a statement). I'm stumbling to type more, this story is amazing. So wrought with emotion, the plot... I'm officially out of words.
Take whatever time you need to finish this.
Absolutely amazing. I have no complaints... besides that Spitfire died. Damn that hit me hard for a pony I never really paid attention to. Such is good writing.
@Windblown Snow
ReplyDeleteYou're assuming Dash's intent was to join NMM from the start. Stop doing that. It's silly.
We don't know the specifics of her conversion, or her actual intent. Heck, I won't even defend her in that regard. But honestly, we don't have anything solid to go on whatsoever.
How do we know she didn't resist NMM at first, buying them time? Hence screaming.
Plus, we saw very clearly that both Spitfire and her only had interest in maintaining order, not kicking defenseless fillies for shits 'n giggles. If nothing else, we're gonna have to wait and see ;)
...Then again, this story has thrown me for a loop before. Maybe you're right here? *questions self* Eh, I'll stand by what I said. For now :P
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteIt's a pretty safe assumption that RD joined when she was asked to, on the other side of the bridge before they arrived at the castle, back in the pilot.
@Anon
ReplyDeleteWell an other idea popped into my head a few minutes ago, maybe she made it sound like she died and joined NMM in return for her, well, "remaining" friends lives that time,
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR
if what you said is right (we will see anyway soon :P) she did resist joining her first to buy her friends time, now I also see the only reason NMM would want RD by her side, she is the symbol of loyalty after all. BUT in this case we lack a reason for her to not just refuse after her friends had escaped and die there instead of assisting NMM, thus being loyal to her friends... then spitfire joins too??
Then she wants to maintain order? in a world the SUN has died? does she plan to overthrown NMM in some way? and if so, does she know of a way to get rid of NMM's magic powers? What about all the other innocent ponies that died in raids?? did RD only care to let Ponyville's ponies to live? isn't that cruel? Wouldn't you want her dead for this?? don't you now doubt yourself? about what should you do?? DOES THE ORBITAL FRIENDSHIP CANNON EXIST?????? ISN'T THIS AMAZING???? the number of questions popping in my head is soooo big that I think it's gonna BLOOOOW!!!!
ME WANTS NEXT CHAPTER!!! THIS STORY IS MORE ADDICTING THAN DRUGS!!!
(ignore the randomness of my post I just throw my thoughts in the same order they come to my head)
^ You both raise some valid points. I'm just that annoying person that likes to see the good in everything, disregard me :P
ReplyDeleteMy stupid little theory remains in my mind however. The Elements have clearly been corrupted in some way, but they all have one thing in common (with the possible exception of Rainbow, if you guys are right :P)
ReplyDeleteThey all had good intentions. Rarity wanted the ponies to be happy, even in their darkest hour. AJ stretches the truth or outright lies because the lie may be better than the truth. 'Shy does what she does so nopony else has to.
Pinkie... I'd have to reread. Idk... Pinkie. Hehehe.
I just kind of hope Dash at least had good intentions, but... hay, I'll probably have that thrown in my face by the story XD
Either way, if you can't tell I'm mildly obsessed with this story and it's characters ;)
That anti-Lotus Eater spell absolutely terrifies me with how well it works. The only consolation I can see is that it attacks everyone rather than just the enemy.
ReplyDeleteholy crap. Trixie is epic-evil. Where the hell is Nightmare Moon during this? I would think she'd have felt that sudden void of magic.
ReplyDelete@Anon
ReplyDeleteI agree that Pinkie was kinda weird, but I don't realy know if this counts as normal here cause Pinkie had always been a little, you know, crazy?
Well, the corrption of the elements of harmony.. you do have a point there! darn it, now I have re-theorize again with that in mind cause it makes sense, their elements still exist within them, but something is missing.
I still can't accept that Fluttershy was killing animals and to be honest if I lived in such a place I seriously doupt how much time it would take for me to have a complete mental breakdown and commit suicide, its just THAT sad!
You know, this reminds me of how the Romans worshiped the Sun as a god. This story, it truly managed to create a world without a sun, I guess you appreciate something a helluva more when you have lost it.
It also remainded me how the Sun always symbolized life itself, but in this ponyworld can we realy blame Luna for this?
(ok by this time you can surely tell that I like making assumption for stories that aren't finished yet, plz post more replies :3 )
*Potentially Crazy Spoiler Ramblings Ahead*
ReplyDeleteSo. Could this whole mess be Applejack's fault? I'm almost certain she is lying about something of grave importance to New Ponyville now. Was her Element similarly weak when the Mane Six faced Nightmare Moon?
...so, when's part 13
ReplyDelete^
ReplyDeleteWhen I feel like it :P
^ good answer, I take it!
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely amazing story so far. Can't wait to see where it goes. I also love the occasional use of humor, like the captain fake barfing at Trixie or Twilight's 'unintentional knock' on the door. These moments really add something that is usually lost in darker stories.
ReplyDeleteIn short, keep up the great work!
Quick typo that I found in Chap 12: I think you mixed up Rarity and Applejack in one sentence.
'Rarity was desperate, watching helplessly as the white face of her friend quickly became increasingly purple' should read, Applejack was desperate...'
^
ReplyDeleteTy, went and nabbed it. I like writing these stories, but I'm a terible editor XD
Ok...
ReplyDeleteTrixie acting pretty much 'Godlike'.
-Check
Inverted 'Deus Ex machina' making ALL unicorns lose all their magic.
-Check
...suddenly for some reasons I can't exactly really explain... I feel like the ''I'm interested'' level is currently dropping *Pretty darn Fast*.
I'm seriously starting to wonder, if the author planned, from the begining, to make this ''Reality'' go down the toilet or something ?
Unless of a VERY convinient and very 'Deus Ex Machina' thing happen... I don't quite see how the Main Six can rebalance this world... unless Twilight and RD will return to their own 'Reality', in the end, and be all traumatize, like some sort of bad twist end...
I don't know... Hope isn't rising, that I can say.
See, now THIS is grimdark - totally hopeless, everyone depressed, no end in sight. Everypony all having to betray herself to go on. I get annoyed when torture porn like Cupcakes gets labelled as "grimdark" because it's really not in my eyes >_>
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteThe ''story-that-shall-not-be-named'' is a most vile disgrace, that I agree...
But I will let you know that ''grimdark'' DOESN'T mean ''instantly put the story into the toilet bowl''... To put it lightly...
''Grimdark'' stories, real ones, those who can pretend to the title, also have ''ends''. But, not all of them are ''and they all died, because giant rock''...
As an easy exemple:
Wars are grimdark... and Wars, when they end, have more than ONE SINGLE outcome, you know.
You win or you lose battles and wars... people die and etc, blablabla...
But you will surely agree that it is more interesting when it's mostly the ''bad guy'' side that take the hits and, ultimately, lose ?
The winning side then cry over its losses, and the somewhat bittersweet Victory... but they won! ...for a price.
See ? Grimdark AND victory for the ''good guys''.
Depending on the talents of the authors, it's easy to insert a lot of sadness, while still being correct.
Violence ? The 'good guys' are hurt, wounded ?... Time for vengence and retribution against the enemy!
It's quite satisfactory when you finally crush your enemy, don't you agree ? ...oh, and saving the world, yeah, that too, bonus.
How well can all this be used and integrated into stories ? Depends on the author.
We will see...
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteThey can certainly have 'happy' endings but to me the most important part is the atmosphere up through the climax and the assurance that there's no totally 'happy' ending - no matter how this ends, any survivors have to contend with their own actions and Twilight and Dash have to deal with the horrible world they experienced. Sure, there'll be an ending, but to me, moments of an utter lack of hope are crucial to the 'grimdark' atmosphere.
... I must admit, I'm not quite sure what you meant by ''instantly put the story into the toilet bowl'', though. I like grimdark stuff - if it's properly executed, like this.
Glad your updated the story.
ReplyDeleteInteresting take on the whole unicorn thing. The former end of chapter 12 had me enthralled to the very end and then frustrated because it ended! Arg
Totally waiting to see what happens now. Like twitchy-edgy child waiting for toys on Christmas waiting. I can't wait!
The only thing that bugs me is that, I kind of know of what can possibly happen next, and well that would suck hard.
Anyways, thanks for the update BronyCray:)
Latter end*
ReplyDeleteThis is so good, I can't possibly see an end to it! This is the first thing I read, when it updates.
ReplyDeletegoddamnit, the lines about the ponies in new ponyville being suicidal just fucking got me. i bursted into tears.
ReplyDeleteanyway, best grimdark/adventure story there is. period.
And then the cake, OOPS SRY! THE RESISTANCE WAS A LIE!
ReplyDeleteshitjustgotreal.jpg
Now that's a grimdark story for you. Also, that theory about the Elements being corrupted in some way stands strong; Rarity is too generous, Applejack lied, RD is loyal to her best friends enemy, fluttershy killing animals ot of kindness (eww that one, creeepy)and Pinkie Pie well... she's random so I don't realy know. My inner world is still in conflict about this world's RD, even tho my hate meter for her is not spining like crazy anymore. w/e if the don't find the Orbital friendship beam cannon they are screwed IMO, only IT can save them, cause the situation they are in is so hopeless, I can't see a way out.
Still wants moar of this story, keep it up Brony!
PS: Also, "Personaly, I'd prefer the air" I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE! xD
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteAre you a unicorn???
Well, damn. Just... wow.
ReplyDelete@WindBlown Snow
Que?
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteWell what I wanted to say is "Are you a wizard?" cause you somewhat predicted applejack lying in chapter 13 xD, changed wizard with unicorn cause they both use magic, seems I failed to deliver the massege, my bad xD
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteAlso forgot to add my nick, gosh something is wrong with me today xD
Dear god, i saw this coming...
ReplyDeleteThere is no hope anymore, there are no elements of harmony... unless Elements of Discord? hmmm Lies, for AJ, Insanity for Pinkie, Betrayal for Dashie, Greed for Rarity, Hate for Fluttershy, and uh... Magic for twilight? only she has none.
Where did Fluttershy show hate? She obviously still loved the animals, but she did what needed to be done to survive. Rarity is now starting to make sense, and actually think about the good of the citizens.
ReplyDeleteBut now that I'm thinking about it, what if this whole thing is eventually solved by the main 6 discovering their elements again and using them to defeat Luna?
I mean, if they were to evacuate New Ponyville despite the resistance being a big lie, they may eventually meet up with Fluttershy again, and then possibly Pinkie Pie. So if the main 6 get back together it could be a real possibility. The only problem I can really see with that is Pinkie Pie being completely out of her mind, but there's always a way to change that.
@Rainbow!DESTroyzG6
ReplyDeleteTwilight and the normal RD still have their elements, magic and loyalty. Only this alt world's RD element is corrupt, also don't forget that in this world Twilight died when they made first contact with NNM. It's pretty complicated tbh, I'm still trying to figure out what the writer is thinking and where is this all going, it might even not end happily, I mean, it is Grimdark after all and a happy ending isn't something necessery.
... Part 13... holy crap...
ReplyDelete@WindBlown Snow
ReplyDeleteI'm no unicorn. Just someone with far too much free time and a thread on a message board full of people to bounce ideas off of.
@WindBlown Snow
With the Chapter 13 revelation, I think the situation is a lot more complex than that now.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteThen we have 2 things in common xD
@WindBlown Snow
ReplyDeleteOne of my earliest predictions about where the story might go is that, with Twilight and non-betrayal Dash there, they would be able to, with coaching, character development, or something, get the other 4 who are from that world, to use the elements of Harmony again, and defeat NMM.
Of course, that's the ridiculously hopeful approach. The other one I have been suspecting is that some terrible tragedy happens where almost everyone dies except the Captain, and NMM's forces, and Twilight/RD teleport back home in time to avoid more conflict, or something.
It is impossible to tell where things are going right now.
@NinesTempest
ReplyDeleteThat's assuming Captain Dash was the single one to blame for all of this.
I'm having a harder time believing that she was solely responsible with each passing chapter as we learn more about backstories of the alternate-Mane Six.
Her "betrayal" is the most visible and obvious, but I don't think its the only one. And I'm not just talking about Applejack.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeletePinkie Pie broke after two of her friend's died.
Fluttershy did the best thing she could do, the "kindest" solution when looked at through Ponies. Her situation only could have happened after NMM took power.
Rarity was just being stupidly generous.
Applejack... was probably too scared or distraught to take away any sense of hope she had given them, but yeah, she was outright lying.
I stick to what I think happened; when they were going to the castle of the twin pony sisters, and Rainbow Dash had to make the bridge, she accepted the shadowbolts' offer, and was given a plan as to what to do afterwards. Without the extrenuating circumstances of NMM leaving Equestria in eternal night, I think all of them had their elements just fine.
This chapter just gave me a little hope actually. It seems like now everything is going wrong at once, which means it can't possibly get much worse, and that there might be one big solution to both problems that they face right now. Clearly, New Ponyville is dead, so all the supplies they don't have doesn't matter anymore. I'm thinking that the time of hiding is over, because there's no resistance, and the ponies need supplies to continue to live, and they can't survive in the Everfree forest for very long on their own (I'd imagine). I'm thinking Rainbow Dash and her small group rescues the Captain, and then stuff happens from there that I'm not sure of. Trixie has a good plan, but not even The Great and Powerful Trixie can win against Nightmare Moon, so I think she's completely screwed.
ReplyDeleteWow. RD chose the side that's inevitably going to kill every single pony in Equestria and she's pretending to be the bigger pony.
ReplyDeleteWake up, moron, you've killed every single pony in Equestria, it's a shame she escaped because she deserved to die!
@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteNow, now, that's a bad thing to say; even if she joined NNM on purpose, you can't know what she was thinking for sure, I read some previous chapters again and remembered that she was saying something about "maintaining order" (which of course sounded so stupidly selfish at that time I wanted to strangle her GOOOSH!) but when you thing about it, she did maintain as much order as she could, in such a grim world of darkness ofc (I still want to kill her, but now I feel bad about it). All of the remaining pnies of the main six have gone through much trouble and it's pretty obvious they had to make hard decisions, you can't realy blame anyone yet, just because the whole eeh... situation they are in is hopeless.
btw, this story reminded me why vengeneace is a bad thing, especialy the part where Spitfire dies a brutal death *shivers*, it generates so much hatred. I hated what they did with her, but the Captain's reaction was also akward.
I say, if you are to blame someone then blame them all, or not at all.
Personaly? I blame them all for this. They are all at fault and in deep shit, I need to know how the hell are they going to get out.
Did you copy that?
@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteYou're thinking in terms of black and white morality where it simply doesn't apply.
@NinesTempest
And how do we know it was betrayal? How do we know the reasons that Captain Dash justified her decisions with?
There is plenty of evidence to support the idea that Captain Dash joined the Shadowbolts to protect her friends. To support the idea that her sense of Loyalty is perhaps twisted, but still very much present and still very much owed to her friends.
If it was an outright betrayal, New Ponyville wouldn't even exist anymore. Nightmare Moon herself confirmed that Captain Dash was the one ordered to raze the city long before this story takes place, and there was plenty of time to amount a force to move in on the city before Captain Dash and Spitfire ran into Dash and Soaren. Let alone the things Captain Dash and Spitfire spent talking about when they were together, or what was said when Captain Dash confronted Rarity.
Furthermore, how are we able to assume that Captain Dash is the only one who didn't live up to her element properly? How can we assume that the remaining members of the Main Six are the way they are purely due to circumstance without also extending that possibility towards Captain Dash as well?
Stupid foalish decision making has backed the citizens of New Ponyville into a corner. And I honestly cannot see how they'll make it out of this.
ReplyDeleteAnd with Twilight having lost her magic... how are she and Dash gonna get home?
It seems like you could have made it a little less obvious that the resistance was fabricated - foreshadowing is good and all, but if I figured it out by the end of the first conversation about them, it feels a little unbelievable that nopony else would have in the weeks she kept up the deception. It really dampened the shock value of the twist to me. Other than that, a very solid chapter, keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteConcerning Alt-Dash, I think we're forgetting the Razor of this issue. Moon kills Twilight, and as the other five rush to escape, Dash stays back to buy them time. Moon offers Dash one final offer, swear your loyalty to me and serve, and I'll spare your friends lives. Thus she does sacrifice her life to save her friends.
ReplyDeleteThis can also explain why Moon doesn't punish Dash for disobeying her order to burn Ponyville, her last act of loyalty to her old life.
@Geekthras
ReplyDeleteThis is an issue I want to clear up, so I'm gonna pick on you and use your comment as an example. This is something I see a lot though, so it applies to everybody a little bit.
The problem is that I could have not foreshadowed it at all, and people would have still gotten it. Simply looking a what happened to every other member of the Mane 6 was enough to suggest that Applejack was lying about something big.
There's a lot of plot twists in my story, but they aren't all for shock value. Many of them are there to illustrate that Twilght and Rainbow Dash are out of their element and that this world doesn't work the way that they assume it will. I write from their perspective, so it seems shocking to them even if it seems obvious to you. I try to make it easy to empathize with them as you read it, but this isn't always possible when I write from the perspective of a pony that everyone has come to hate, for example.
The emphasis isn't on the fact that Applejack was lying; most people figured that out pretty fast. The emphasis is on the why. What drove AJ to abandon her element of harmony? what made Dash join the Shadowbolts? How did they rationalize their actions to become to sure of themselves?
One of the overall themes is that there is never a 'right' answer to many questions, no matter what we think. But these actions themselves aren't supposed to be shocking, except in the very early chapters where the world is still being fleshed out. My goal has never been to take a person's breath away with a plot twist, and I've been trying to guard myself against pulling a Shyamalan and making each chapter just about that. My goal is to make my readers think, long and hard, about what they would have done. I try to give every side of an argument or moral debate, set it up as having either an obvious answer or no answer, and then let the characters act their way through it.
So to summarize, what AJ did was never supposed to be surprising. Neither were Rarity and Soaren, though I know Soaren caught a lot of people off guard anyway. What I hope keeps my readers coming back are the broader themes, and how they will all tie in to some sort of overarching moral by the end. I might even flatter myself so much as to suggest that my story is hopefully engaging even to those people who don't pick up on, or don't care about, some of those themes.
TL;DR: The story isn't about plot twists, it's about character development. Or, to put it simply, the 'what' is never as important as the 'why'.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteOut of curiosity, where exactly does negligent genocide reside on the scale of greyness.
There's being pragmatic and there's being pretentious. It will take one hell of a saving throw to convince me that allowing Ponyville' populace to escape was just some method of assuaging her guilt. Also, what greyness, RD joined NMN before the confrontation, how else could she live and the others die. She joined the Shadowbolts, it'll take one hell of an asspull to prove she didn't.
@WindBlown Snow
ReplyDeleteMaintain order. Puuhhhleeaasee.
Spitfire was little more than a mare with the equivalent of battered wife syndrome.
@BronyCray
ReplyDeleteAnd that's what we (or at least I) love about this fic, keep it up Brony :)
@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteAs I said, she maintained as much order as she could, I never suported the idea of doing it and I still hate her for that, I would rather die than join NNM, but it's her mind, unfortunately.
And I see that the fic is accomplishing its purpose as BronyClay said, it made you think, feel and critisize each characters actions.
I do want to post a question which needs to be answered. Did the Elements of Harmony fail because of betrayal or because the author needed a vehicle to drive home the themes of his story (just because). If he can reasonably explain that it was the latter option, I will definitely be more understanding as sometimes stories and deconstructions need those kinds of odd turns to drive the themes home properly.
ReplyDelete@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteSo we know that Captain Dash joined the Shadowbolts before the confrontation rather than after it went to pieces? We know why Captain Dash chose to join the Shadowbolts when regular Dash didn't? We know that this is entirely, solely her fault?
And I didn't say I agreed with her decision, either. Regardless of her reasoning, regardless of her justification, it was a pretty shitty thing to do if she took the offer at the bridge. I'm not saying anything to the contrary.
But there's the rub: All of the remaining (sane) Mane Six have been doing pretty shitty things that they've justified as being necessary. Fluttershy is killing animals to feed New Ponyville. Rarity fast-tracked a public execution to build up town spirits. Applejack has been lying about The Resistance for months, basically giving the entire town false hope.
Ultimately, Captain Dash's loyalty was to her friends. Not to all of Equestria. If NMM cut her a deal to spare her friends, or if Captain Dash saw leading the Wonderbolts as a chance to minimize the damage done by NMM, I can see why she would take it if she thought the situation was hopeless. I don't agree with her decision. I don't agree with any of the decisions of the alternate Mane Six. But I understand why she made it. And if it happened after everything went south, I would be angrier if she didn't make it.
But its hard to assign blame for this mess when we know so little about the circumstances surrounding the night NMM attacked. We don't know whether Captain Dash doing what she did is what caused things to be the way they are. We have suspicions. Nothing more.
And many of the things that caused those suspicions can lead to completely different interpretations with only a slight change in the point of view.
Totally agree with Geekthras here. I saw that twist coming from a mile away.
ReplyDeleteI'm so curious on whats going to happen next. The story is just approaching the arc of climax. Can't fuzzing wait for the resolution.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteYou know, the reason I think Cap'n Dash took the offer at the bridge is simple:
She treats her friends like garbage.
Where does Cap'n Dash ever show any hint of the loyalty and camaraderie to her friends? She's more concerned about her subordinate than 4 friends trying to eke out a living. She made it pretty obvious that she doesn't think much of Ponyville or her friends when she says she "already gave them the loyalty she had by letting them escape". Cap'n Dash betrayed the Mane Six and her twisted rationalization for her choices (like Rarity or Applejack's rationalization) is that she doesn't have to feel remorse for the betrayal because she spared Ponyville.
Great Fic! I WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS!
ReplyDelete@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with you. Still, Captain Dash seems to be divisive as hell.
@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteShe didn't exactly spare Ponyville, I recall the town being destroyed, only the folks that lived there escaped, but life is cruel isn't it? with all their food burn to fire and their town gone they were left to die out of starvation, that's not "sparing" them fo sure, at least she could kind enough to kill them right away so they didn't have to feel so depressed from their cruel fate, lol some ponies even commited suicide. No, something is definately wrong with Cpt.Dash as is with the rest of the mane six ponies, it's that particular action of Cpt.Dash that makes her seem a lot and I repeat, A LOT more corrupt than the others.
Btw I keep seeing comments about Twi loosigng her magic, well, it's not like she lost it forever, I recall Trixie's soldier unicorns losing their magic too and regaining it over time, it was just an after effect of the teleportation magic she used, kinda like an EMP but for magic.
PS: for those that don't know an EMP is a nuclear blast a little further than earth's atmosphere that cuts off electricity. It also has a tendesy to make all electrical devices to explode but that's just a little detail...
@WindBlown Snow
ReplyDeleteShe gave them a chance. No, it wasn't the best course of action, but it was FAR in a way better than killing them on the spot. I don't even know how anyone could think that.
Feeling depressed isn't an excuse to stop living. And that's the only excuse ponyville has. Dark as she may be, Captain Dash gave them a chance. What they did with it was their choice. Their current situation is as much their fault as it is hers.
I thought that I'd just make my little contribution to the Captain Dash controversy:
ReplyDeleteI, based on the currently available information, think that she was in the right. Think about NMM's return. Celestia couldn't stop Nightmare Moon last time, and this time Celestia was nowhere to be found, the obvious conclusion being that NMM had already taken care of her. The Elements of Harmony were the one thing that could stop NMM, and they'd failed. Twilight was dead (though I personally think that she perished in Manehatten a bit later due to "friendly fire"), and the only weapon of any use had failed and been destroyed. Dash stayed behind to buy her friends a bit more time, for the all the good it would do them, because what else could she do? And then, instead of killing her, NMM offers Dash a choice: die now, or work for me (I really don't see Dash proposing it, and I really don't see NMM believing such a proposal). If she dies, that's it. If she lives, well, if Celestia and the Elements of Harmony weren't enough, she's certainly not going to be able to overthrow NMM, but maybe she can make the world just a bit better than it otherwise would be. And she did. Do you think that another captain hoofpicked by NMM would have let the residents of Ponyville go? Yes, it's been said that that was the choice between a slow death and a quick one, but where there's life there's hope; maybe the people of Ponyville would surrender and be spared, maybe they'd manage to build good lives in the shadows, or maybe they'd be killed anyway, but letting them go gave them a better chance than burning them with the town. Really, I still sympathize with Captain Dash; New Ponyville would have been an affront to her if if it hadn't killed Spitfyre. I'm even doubtful of the argument that NMM is killing everyone, so Captain Dash's work for a better future doesn't mean anything. One, the Shadowbolts and the Royal Guard have to eat something, and two, NMM seems to me lucid enough to eventually realize that killing everyone who could worship you is not a good move for someone who wants to be worshiped.
In short, if the arrival of Twilight and Dash isn't factored in, it seems to me that, in this situation, Captain Dash is on the right side, despite the fact that that's the side controlled by the insane xenocidal night goddess. Of course, Twilight and Dash have arrived, and it's possible that they could change things.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYeah I know... I just stated what makes most ppl here believe that Cpt.Dash is omfgEVUULLjeezedmypantiez and stuff and the writer does a very damn good jod delivering that massege, it cairtenly seems that Cpt.Dash is down right evil but we can't know fo sure.
tbh I wouldn't commit suicide from seer depression, but then I wonder, what's left to live for in such a grim world? Celestia is gone and the elements couldn't be in a worse state (to remind you that one is a little, dead) with those things in mind, would you be able to live? would you have any hope for a brighter future? Would you be so cruel as to bring little childern is such a world? let's say you aren't that bad and don't reproduce, won't this mean that Ponyville folks are doomed to perish? There are many more factors you have to consider, it's not that simple! What would YOU do as citizen of Ponyville?
(that's a direct question and I expect you to answer, just for the heck of it, do it plz xD)
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteSeems like someone would enjoy living in a world where the day is darker than the night, please say it ain't so, would you realy do that?
In such a setting, there is no hope, although that one thing about Cpt.Dash maintaining what little order she could is a factor that won't let me hate her completely, that and her friend dying a brutal death which was a horrible thing to do, even to your enemy.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteUmm... I think you misunderstand. There are two critques:
Was Cap'n Dash wrong to join the Shadowbolts and sparing the inhabitants of Ponyville was some relatively small gesture to assuage her conscience.
and
Did the Elements of Harmony fail because of a prior betrayal by Dash and sparing the inhabitants of Ponyville was some relatively small gesture to assuage her conscience.
The latter is what is being discussed. Though, if the latter were true your argument would be invalid.
I believe in the latter premise because Dash somehow survived in spite of NMN having more reason to kill her outright if she successfully summoned her element (then nothing could stand against her), her dismissive behavior towards her former friends (no regret, no nostalgia, no sorrow- contrast her treatment of childhood friends to the affection towards a single subordinate- and on top of that never apologized for killing Spike), also she's so dismissive of Ponyville- as if sparing the inhabitants was almost too much too ask because she didn't care. Hell, Ponyville 2 is being atacked by Trixie and she still only thinks of herself. So far Cap'n Dash is a borderline sociopath with no redeeming qualities than what a few readers have created out of whole cloth. Unless there's a better possible reason for the failure of the Elements of Harmony I'm stickin' to my version of events.
More importantly, I wonder how long Equestria will remain habitable with an endless night, the plants have all but died off by now and the stores of food have to be running dangerously low for all but the most favored of Nightmare Moon's subjects.
ReplyDelete@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteSince you and me don't seem to disagree so much as I agree with what you are saying but think there is more to it than that (namely, I think it was a comprehensive failure of all of the Mane Six to summon their elements rather than just Captain Dash), I have a specific question:
After what happened when Captain Dash was in New Ponyville, do you really blame her for not giving a shit about what happens to the town at this point?
Okay, comprehensive failure makes more sense.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it would be technically in character considering the events of Over a Barrel. But she is an enemy, whether Spitfire died on the battlefield or was executed, does it really matter? Even with Spitfire's death as motivation she still strikes me as...myopic, I guess. When Twilight was murdered I doubt she grieved half as much. I understand but do not accept the reason.
Let me rephrase, I better understand your reasoning now that I know that you think it was a comprehensive failure.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDelete@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteDid Cpt.Dash realy have any right to not give a shit? They killed her friend, ok I agree that's a horrid thing to do, but if you see it from their point of view she fucking burned their town and their food supplies, she took their future and smashed it into tiny little bits, letting them to rot in a mountain. I think Cpt.Dashie was overreacting, MUCH.
Benschachar made some very solid points, that is if it was Cpt.Dash's fault all along, implying that she joined the Shadowbolts, which corrupted her element of harmony, thus leading to a total failure when they confronted NNM and Twilight's death.
I'm realy starting to lose my faith for Cpt.Dash cause the further the story unfolds, the darker her personality seems to be and I still can;t figure out what is she trying to accomplish.
I've never seen one thing cause this much debate before.
ReplyDeleteI'm in the "Cap'n Dash is kind of a bitch" side of the argument, but one thing I really want to see?
Redemption. For her, and all of the mane cast. I guess I'm being too hopeful, but I really don't think she'll stay this way if she makes it. Doesn't change the fact she has a LOT to answer for.
You know, I just thought of something. Before all of the character development episodes in the series, Dash really didn't like any of the mane six that much. Except Fluttershy, she may have not even known them. Think of Griffon the Brush Off where she just thinks that pinkie pie is annoying as hell until she finds something in common with her, and also Fall Weather Friends with Applejack. It's only made canon that she even knew Fluttershy as much as a day before the events of the first episode.
ReplyDeleteIt raises the question of how much of a betrayal it could have been if she didn't much care for any of the other ponies, even outright disliking some of them. The suggestions that she should have grieved over Twilight and Spike really confuse me, because she literally knew them for a few hours.
@Benschachar
ReplyDeleteYou mean the Twilight she had known for a day versus the Spitfire she had known for months, and had idolized probably even longer than that?
Remember, Captain Dash isn't Rainbow Dash. The only Pony she definitely knew for any period of time before Episode 2 (and, thus, in this story) was Fluttershy, and the only other one that she realistically might have been a close friend with already is Applejack.
@WindBlown Snow
Does her being the enemy make it so she should forgive them for executing Spitfire? Because I'm not sure what you are trying to tell me if you aren't saying that.
Let me put it this way: The citizens of New Ponyville made it quite clear that they didn't care about anything except executing them. Fair enough, they were the enemy, whatever.
My point is, why is Captain Dash required to feel sympathy for a town who executed who may very well have been her best friend in this universe? How would that be a realistic reaction? Why should "they were the enemy" mean anything to her so soon after the deed was done?
I understand what you are saying, but you are making a suggestion as a 3rd person observer. I think it is pretty unrealistic to expect Captain Dash to be actively rooting for New Ponyville something like two days after the execution took place, regardless of whether New Ponyville was in the right in executing them (and, for the record, I pretty strongly disagree with that).
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteYou pretty much sum up my own feelings on the matter.
I can't add much more than you already have. :P
It’s foolish to pass judgment on the Captain for something she may not even have done. We can speculate whether AU Rainbow Dash accepted the offer on the bridge, or whether her failure to feel true friendship for the others caused the Elements to fail, but to blame her for the failures of this timeline without evidence is shortsighted and premature.
ReplyDeleteActually, I really like the Captain. I can no more hate her than I can hate AU Fluttershy; both were faced with difficult decisions, and both did what they thought was necessary to serve the greater good. It seems obvious to me the Captain joined Nightmare Moon because she realized she could do more to protect the innocent and the downtrodden from a position of power. As leader of the Shadowbolts, she knew she could impose restrictions on her subordinates, preventing any number of atrocities which might have occurred in an alternate-alternate timeline. Who knows how many more massacres might have occurred if somepony else with even darker intentions were heading the military? At the very least, she’s served as a counterweight to Trixie’s unrepentantly evil ambitions.
My predictions:
Nightmare Moon will appear in time to save the Captain. Given the author’s statement that the story was approximately halfway done after chapter ten, there should only be about seven chapters left to go. I figure the main antagonist has got to make a real appearance sometime soon—and there’s no better place or time for a dramatic entrance than smack dab in the middle of a battle. Nightmare Moon will reveal she’s been keeping tabs on Trixie ever since her ludicrous claims in Ch10. She’ll strike down Trixie for disobeying her order to leave the Captain unharmed, and she’ll personally oversee the destruction of New Ponyville. Twilight and Rainbow will be taken prisoner and brought back to Canterlot; everypony else will probably be killed.
Here’s another long shot. I predict Nightmare Moon will return Twilight and Rainbow to their proper timeline. Presently, she’s the only one conceivably capable of doing it; even if Twilight weren’t magically crippled, the translocation spell is clearly beyond her reckoning. For whatever reason, sending them back will become a necessity—perhaps their presence in the alternate universe will begin to destabilize the time-space continuum or something—and Nightmare Moon will let them go.
Alternatively, they might defeat Nightmare Moon, unbanish Celestia from the sun, and then Celestia will send them home. But that seems unlikely given the hopelessness of the current situation. Or they might never go home. They might be stuck in the alternate universe forever. But short of being murdered or imprisoned, they really have no future there, so that also seems unlikely.
Well it's pretty obvious why Applejack lied about the resistance. Ponies were killing themselves because they didn't believe there was any way Nightmare Moon could be fought or overthrown, and they thought the whole situation was hopeless. Then Applejack went and lied about the resistance so that they would have a reason to go on living. Yadda yadda.
ReplyDeleteTwilight and Dayside Rainbow Dash are like "Lying is bad, yo, no matter what the reason! You're despicable!" and then Applejack is like "I did what I had to do!" and then they get into an argument and then at least one of the two believes that Darkside Applejack must be a horrible person and then Sliding Scale of Idealism VS Cynicism and so on and so forth.
Fun chapter, though! Can't wait to see what happens with the magic and what's gonna happen to the Captain.
I think this story has the most comments of all the fanfics. Anyways, it seems like New Ponyville has no hope left, but I can definitely see a light growing at the end of the tunnel. The first five elements of harmony have been reawakened, and their is finally a fighting force. (Holds breath till the next chapter)
ReplyDeleteI just read through all 13 available chapters... in one sitting. Yeah, I was that into the story. Incredible stuff! I can't wait to see how the rest goes!
ReplyDelete@Aldea_Donder
ReplyDeleteWhat you are practicaly saying is that the whole story screams: IT WAS CPT.DASH'S FAULT THAT THE MANE SIX FAILED TO DEFEAT NIGHTMARE MOON!1!111on!e!!!1
Did she join the shadowbolts? did she fail to feel real friendship? why should we care about that? we are talking about saving the entire world from night eternal! What I care about is that she practicaly screwed the entire universe, one way or an other, and then she joins NNM. What? she wanted to play boss? are you kidding me? It doesn't matter when she messed up, what matters is that she did.
OFC THAT ONLY STANDS TRUE IF IT WAS REALY ONLY THE CAPTAIN'S FAULT THAT THEY FAILED, but everything seems to point at the captain, so I don't get my hopes up.
About your prediction, well... that's something I would expect to happen, the situation is so shitty that what you're saying would be practicaly the best solution as for me the captain is in realy deep shit right now and from my point of view she can't be purged anymore, I feel sad about it, but that's me.
@WindBlown Snow
ReplyDeleteCan't be purged anymore? Er, okay. Then we agree I think. She shouldn't be purged, but redeemed. Which is totally plausible. Same goes for the rest of the mane cast here.
Also, I'm now 100% sure that this was caused by a systematic failure of all the Elements, not just one.
The fact is, every character here is flawed. Every character has messed up. Ultimately, the blame falls on all of them.
We can all sit here and argue this poitn all day, but the simple fact is the only one who knows is the writer, who is either having a laugh at one side of this argument, or knows the truth falls somewhere in between.
I'm assuming the latter myself.
Then again, the writer HAS thrown curveballs before... XD
ReplyDeleteEr, just to clarify, I didn't mean to make it sound like I did. I just meant to say only he really knows which side is right here, but I REALLY think that the truth is in between, and both extremes are very much wrong.
if i can add my 2 cents?
ReplyDeletei think the blame doesn't matter anymore. it's the future actions that will make or break cap'n dash. same goes for Rarity imo.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI think I clearly said something about my theory being true only if it was realy all the captain's fault and I think we agree on that, I'm not 100% blaming the captain and I stated in one of my previous comments that I blame all of them for failing. It's that the story writen in such a way... well how do I say it? It kinda drives me to hate Cpt.Dash more than the others, I mean, Fluttershy killed animals so others could eat, Rarity was just trying to be superextra nice to everypony, AJ lied to keep their morale on an acceptable level and Pinkie Pie is just being... crazily depressed? ( I asume that's bad for the element of laughter, but who knows?) Twilight couldn't realy do anything due to death issues and RD just tried to save her ass... even if it bought her friends a little time it realy doesn't say anything, cause if you think a little more they were practicaly dead anyway due to NNM's victory, she didn't prevent anything. Now you might say "meh then she couldn't do anything, it's not her fault you blasted idiot!" (basicaly that's just my consciense trying it's hardest to make me feel sorry for RD, she is my favorite of the mane six after all, lol I'm talking to myself again, sry) but, meh... thats it, I tried my best to explain how I feel about all of 'em, I hope I'm clear :D
oh and about that "purge" thing, it's just me using wrong words again and I must ask you to excuse my low knowledge of the english language xD
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI usually smirk openly when I read new comments trying to figure out where I'm going with this. Sometimes you're ight, sometimes you're wrong, and sometimes you make me say "Oh, hey, that's a great idea I might use later."
bravo good sir! very interesting!
ReplyDelete@WindBlown Snow
ReplyDeleteOh, I know. I have a tendency to have knee jerk reactions, so I apologize.
To be fair, purge could mean to clear from a criminal charge, unless I'm mistaken. So, really your statement DID have a basis :P What I was saying is I don't think she should get a free ticket by any means. I want her to earn it.
But that's me being optimistic. Hehehehe
Both sides of this undeniably entertaining argument make valid points.
It's odd how this is working out. Dash is my least favorite of the mane six (Le Gasp! A blasphemer! End him!) and I REALLY like Captain Dash. Confound you BronyCray, you drive me to question my sanity.
So... even if Twilight was knocked uncouncious before the process ended... she still lost EVERY SINGLE bits of magic ? Well, that's another JOYFUL nail in the coffin that is the possible outcome of this story, it seems ?... darn it now...
ReplyDelete(30sec later)->
>“I…yes. It’s not blocked, just…gone. Like it never existed-“
-Oh for the love of ****...
Feels like the story isn't even trying to pretend anymore.
*Rocks fall, everyone dies* wouldn't be much different at this point...
oh ? and look now... No Resistance.
...at LEAST the author isn't downright spelling ''It''...
At this point... I seriously do not know, if I should read the future parts ? It will only be the same thing again and again and again until they all die.
Unless the author pull a *Deus Ex Machina* out of nowhere... ... ...but it will not happen... Of course.
@Nova25
ReplyDeleteYou're right. All the unicorns should get their magic back. Then sunflowers and daffodils should sprout up, and Nightmare Moon should ride into New Ponyville on a flying carpet to announce Celestia has returned and everything will be peaceful and happy again. The sun will come out, and candy will rain down from the sky.
Seriously, where were you in seventh grade when they went over this. It's called a plot arc. Rising action, climax, falling action.
The second act of a narrative structure is supposed to have all the characters at their lowest point. Otherwise there would be no tension or drama. Did everyone hate The Empire Strikes Back because of how dark it was and how every character was basically hosed at the end? Yeah, not really.
@G.
ReplyDeleteYou do know that Grimdark isn't equal * Nihilism *, right ?
Ex: War... Half the people are dead, but they still won the damned war! Loved ones are dead, famillies lies broken, etc, etc, etc... But they won.
There thousands of EASY exemples of how something can be grim, dark, horrible, scary, sad, BUT! have a damn ending that doesn't FORCIBLY relly on *Rocks fall, everyone is dead* or trying to be all *There's no hope, we should die for there is no hope.*.
And speaking of childish :
>where were you in seventh grade when they went over this.
-What kind of weak attempt at insulting is this ?
Somewhat harsh words, I don't really care, but remain polite and civilized, mmh?
For the ''structure/climax'' thing... So far, we aren't offered any kind of reliable back door that could let the reader to believe that SOMETHING-anything could still allow the situation to be corrected.
Unless a VERY convinient *Deus Ex Machina* happens out of nowhere, see, the ending is already visible.
@Nova25
ReplyDelete"So far, we aren't offered any kind of reliable back door that could let the reader to believe that SOMETHING-anything could still allow the situation to be corrected."
We haven't?
Because, just as a more short-term example regarding New Ponyville, I've seen Trixie's master plan described at the end of Chapter 10 completely fall to pieces before she has even really started executing it, and the cracks were already visible before Chapter 10 was even over.
@TenchiFreak5
ReplyDeleteNo food, basicly almost no military power, no magic, no 'Resistance', weakened population, super-sayan Trixie, a small army in good health at their doorstep...
Yes, their future is looking up nicely, right ?
Anyways...... Right now, the only thing I'm wondering anymore is 'what' will be the miraculous *Deus Ex Machina*... that or the size of the *Rocks fall, everyone is dead*...
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteLet's see if I can write this without blatant spelling mistakes this time:
ReplyDelete@Nova25
"super-sayan Trixie, a small army in good health at their doorstep..."
Vegeta was a super-Saiyan who blatantly outclassed his opponents in strength in several cases, and he still regularly got his ass kicked for making the same mistakes that Trixie has been practically falling over herself to make since she arrested Captain Dash.
Plus, that army isn't exactly hers to begin with.
right about the thing happened to all the unicorns i started loosing interest in this story, and then i realized that the only thing that was being interesting was the fact that i was imagining my D&D character (a shadowdancer) would really work well in saving this world.
ReplyDeleteSo i stopped reading.
I did enjoy it up to that point though, in a way.
Based on the remaining fleshed out characters, there are of course NMM, two of the three unicorns are crippled, two earth ponies one of which has been conveniently out of town for the past 10 chapters, flttershy has also been out for a while, and finally duplicate Dashes. Even if one of Dashes takes out Trixie and perishes in a grand show of revenge, that still leaves the mane 6 and at least one of them is a relatively uncorrupted element of harmony. The element of magic no less.
ReplyDeleteI am also questioning whether Twilight's magic is linked to some biological unicorn component or if it's fueled by her element of harmony. Also if Trixie managed to round up 100some royal guards in direct violation of NMM's orders, where is Captain Dash's super loyal air force?
Someone earlier had mentioned that the Shadowbolt flight suit was still in New Ponyville hmm.
I just read 13 chapters in a row. From about the middle of chapter 1 to the end of it all, I had to pause every other paragraph and pull my jaw off the floor/take a deep breath/duct tape the pieces of my blown mind. This deserves every point of it's six stars, and I already feel a small part of myself dying with anticipation for the next chapter.
ReplyDeleteToo dramatic? Rarity would approve, but she's busy being crazy.
I wouldn't take this compliment at wholly face value but...this is probably honestly the best fanfiction I've ever read. I'm not exactly an expert on fandom or fanfiction but out of my limited experience, this is easily one of the best I read. (Although we'll see how the Lion King fanfic I'm reading turns out first)
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, this is damn awesome. Every twist has genuinely surprised me, it's well written and well paced, I'd echo a few other people with the "show, don't tell" thing, but it was never a huge problem for me while reading it.
In summary, NEED MOAR. And find a way to get Pinkie Pie back in there :D
Since I know not a lot of you read my DA, I'm gonna post this update here as well.
ReplyDeleteI got two little teaser bits for you, just to keep you interested. Chapter 14 needs a tweak and editing run before it's good, and I'm about 3k words into chapter 15.
Something I've always tried to do is make powerful chapter titles for each entry, and for the most part I'm proud of my work. "Justice" and "Hatred" were pretty weak, but "Rainbows and Butterflies was a real gem. I've thought for a long time about what to call chapter 14, but I think I've got it now. I offer it to you for dissection, I'm interested in what you'll make of it. Chapter 14 is named "Politeia". Or at least, that's how you would pronounce it if it was in English. If you catch this reference and put two and two together before the chapter is released, I will buy you a beer if I ever meet you in real life.
For chapter 15...well, I can't be too specific, but I can tell you one thing. I originally started this series because I had a philosophical question that I just couldn't get out of my head, and that question was what lead to to build this entire world around My Little Pony. The element of Loyalty was just too perfect of a Guinea Pig for this experiment, and in chapter 15 I finally pose this question to the audience. As always I'll keep my personal feelings out of the writing, but I'm excited to see how you guys react.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI somewhat agree to this. If they did try to redeem, it just would be better for their world.
My opinion in case they really did something wrong during NMM trials: if character N goes to some other world and sees that characters there have flaws, why would it be right for him to resent their existence and not to just try living in that world with those characters, do and say what seems right, and get wisdom, and spread wisdom? If a world is wrong, it still may be possible to do something.
@BronyCray
ReplyDeleteTake as much time as you need and make it as amazing as possible. We're all looking forward to it. At least, I am. :)
totally awesome. my respect for the author.
ReplyDeleteis there gonna be 14'th chapter? DO WANT!
please continue with the story, if its um... ok with you...
ReplyDeleteI'm still writing, just slowly.
ReplyDeleteWell it's good to know you're still alive and well, Cray.
ReplyDeleteI eagerly await Part 14... but take your time. Better to get it done right, than done fast. :3
Captain Dash is a great characterization. It's really interesting to read the subtle nuances and differences in the behavior and thought processes of the two Dashes. And by far Captain Dash is my favorite of the AU world ponies.
ReplyDeleteI've just read chapter 13, and oh man.
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to see how Rainbow Dash's plan works out. It is just like her, as time and time prove, to risk herself and sacrifice for her friends and her loyalty. I have no doubt that Captain Rainbow Dash is the same way, especially since she tricked Trixie into giving New Ponyville a warning and time to prepare.
I wonder if Dash or captain Dash does some sort of sonic rainboom into NMM would that destroy her? NMM is like, god teir, but remember that nopony is supposed to be able to pull off a sonic rainboom and it's been seen as a legend. It'd be a legend versus a legend, and A rainbow dash plummeting like a flesh meteor onto NMM would surely kill her right? And if they kill Trixie will that give the unicorns back their powers? I do think though that captain dash will finally "live" up to the memory that everyone had held of her, self sacrifice for the salvation of the ponies. We all know that with no magic in the unicorns that the pegasi are the last great hope to defeat the evil. And of the pegasi who is most capable of doing the impossible than Rainbow Dash?
BRONYCRAY,
ReplyDeleteKEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
and on the controversy surounding Cpt.Dash I think that NMM would have propositioned her, (she IS the best flyer in all of eqestria after all, maybe unpolished and young, but she'd grow into it). So Cpt.Dash probably took the position to minimize sufferings of everypony. I mean look at who she posted as her leutenant, a pony who wouldn't fight and just wanted to keep the peace. The shadowbolts have been a police force in Equestria and you'd have to have a powerful faction to keep the militant palace guard from being malicious or abusing power right? By accepting captainship Rainbow Dash probably saved far more lives, and instilled more peace, but at the loss of her innocence and her freedom. (Though she is still probably a murderer).
Confound these ponies! I need more!
ReplyDeleteI think I read all this about two weeks ago and I can't get it out of my head!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteShe is a murderer... and I'm not happy to say this :(
The whole story is amazing though and all the characters are beyond awesome (A small part of me still wants to kill Cpt.Dash though ^^). I'm realy curious to see what happens next, things are heating up. Let's see what RD and her commando team can do to save the day, IF they save it that is.
I keep running it through my head trying to think of how it will all end, both good and bad endings... And so far I would be satisfied with any of them because the entire story has been written so well it would be impossible to ruin the story as a whole. I'm not sure I wanna toss out ideas as it might influence the writing some, but I may whisper em to ya bRonycray if you are interested
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how whispering them to me would influence the writing any less than just posting it here, but I make no secret that reading the comments here and elsewhere have nudged me one direction or another in the past. I've also changed a few obvious plot twists that you guys saw right away though (cpt Dash not included), so it has definitely helped.
ReplyDeleteneed more of this story! i thhink this is my favorite fic
ReplyDeleteMost likely I see One of the Dashes dying By the end, either:
ReplyDeleteCaptain Dash is mortally wounded while NMM is defeated, and mistakes the rising sun as Spitfire as she passes away.
One of the Dashes dies in a heroic way, sparking this universe's versions of the mane six (plus twilight and whichever dash is still alive) to defeat NMM
NMM wins in the end, killing off many ponies, and twilight manages to steal Trixie's knowledge of teleportation magic and goes home with the surviving Dash.
Wildcard plot twist, what if this universe's Twilight remains alive, was just teleported away and imprisoned the whole time, and somehow manages to escape to impact the ending somehow....
Too many different ways the story can turn, can't wait until the next few parts are released to see.
I don't think the magic drain on the unicorns is as permanent as some of the posters above believe, it appears to me that Trixie merely set off a sort of "magic EMP" that temporarily drained their magic reserves. If it was a permanent effect, Trixie would've just bombed NMM long ago and taken over for herself. Perhaps the stronger the unicorn, the sooner they regain their powers, meaning twilight should start getting it back before the other unicorns, perhaps even having a tiny bit of magic by the time Trixie attacks. It would also explain why she doesn't attack NMM with it, her powers would come back much faster.
ReplyDeleteSorry, accidentally posted anon on the above post, but those are some of my thoughts on the story.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteYour 3rd guess-ending sounds a little too bitter to accept as it would surely have a great impact on both Twi's and RD's mentality.
I'm liking the 4th guess though, sounds cool ^^
@Gimtek
I'm 90% possitive that all these unicorns losing their magic is a side effect of that Teleportation spell and not permanent, it is stated into the story from one of Trixie's soldiers that their unicorns need some time to regain their magic powers, New Ponyville was just unlucky enough to be caught in the blast radius of the spell.
@Dawn
ReplyDeleteIt still isn't a good ending. If one leaves magical villains in other worlds, what they do is destroy their world and then search for other worlds. Assuming somepony may attempt to cast Twilight spells in the future, it may be a risk.
@ Entro
ReplyDeleteI have a feeling that Trixie will be left dead or magically inept as she is in the original series (NMM mentions sharing power with her) so the only magical enemy of any lasting consequence is NMM herself. And NMM wouldn't dare attempt invading other universes where the elements of harmony are strong enough to defeat her.
@ Dawn
To further continue on the 4th idea I had, when NMM supposedly killed twilight, she merely portred her away to attempt to corrupt Celestia's star pupil as a personal act against her sister. Perhaps banished to the same place as Celestia (or Celestia's body, if we wanna make it a little more grim)? But in any case, allows Trixie to tap into AU Twilight's magic as part of the torture/corruption, and the "pull" that Twilight felt in the beginning was AU Twilight's call for help.
"I’m going to find out what you’re lying about."
ReplyDeleteMotherfucking YES! I jumped straight out of my chair and practically threw both of my arms out of their sockets I fistpumped so hard.
No predictions. No guesses. No introspection. Because right now, I am like Pinkie after seeing the Sonic Rainboom.
Long wait. But I remained loyal. Now I need to read all of these comments to see what the hell is going on.
ReplyDeleteI had a lot of trouble getting through this chapter, and it was entirely due to technical reasons. There were at least a dozen sentences that threw me off, paragraphs I had to read two or three times to get the gist of. You mentioned in your author’s note that you didn’t get a lot of feedback from your prereaders. If it helps at all, I’d like to mention just a few of the things that made me stop and say, “Huh?”
ReplyDelete"…do this!"
"Huh?" said the warrant officer as the stone next to the captain swung outward, his horn's glow fading.
"Wait, what?" said the captain, looking over her shoulder into her own surprised face.
"Wait, what?" said Rainbow Dash, her wings falling limply down to her side as the ponies behind her hesitated.
This whole exchange threw me for a loop. For one thing, “...do this!” comes out of nowhere. When I read it, I didn’t have a clue who said it, and there was zero context I could draw on from the events that followed to figure it out. I realize now that that this bit was included to serve as a bridge between this scene and a scene in the previous chapter, but that wasn’t obvious when I was reading. Perhaps the month-long gap between chapters is to blame, but I’m not sure I would have been able to connect the dots if the chapters had come out back-to-back; I don’t think “let’s do this” is a particularly memorable quote, and even if it were, you’ve omitted a third of it.
Then a stone swings outward. Funny thing about stones is they can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Maybe it’s because my brain was still trying to place “...do this!”, but I immediately thought of a tiny little stone, like a lone pebble embedded in the cliffside. Then there’s the fact that it’s swinging. So I said to myself, “...How does a pebble swing out of anything? I don’t get it.” For the sake of clarity, I would suggest changing this like to read ‘then a stone door swung open’ or at least ‘then a boulder swung open’ in order to give an impression of the object’s size.
Finally when I got the part with Rainbow Dash looking at Rainbow Dash, I figured it all out.
But now a pillar of flame shambled aimlessly through the battlefield, a scream tearing through the night from inside the inferno. As Rainbow Dash recognized the shape inside the flames as one of her two pegasi guards, her stomach began wrenching.
The term ‘guards’ gets thrown around an awful lot in this chapter. There are Royal Guards and there are rebel guards, and it’s very easy to get confused as to which ones you’re referring to. I had to read over this several times to confirm these were rebel guards. Then one minute later, I had the same problem with the following passage:
he raised his gaze to see a guard pegasus land a few feet away.
Again, Royal Guard or rebel guard? All this tells me is that the guard is a pegasus.
Going back to the previous bit, I had a hard time picturing what a ‘pillar of flame’ shambling ‘aimlessly through the battlefield’ was supposed to look like. Shambling like a zombie? For that matter, I had a difficult time envisioning what the battlefield was supposed to look like. Even now, all I can tell you is that it was dark and there was a stone cliffside. Describing the scene would have been wonderful, because then my mind would have been able to place the actions that were going on as they were going on. As the battle played out, I had very little idea where anypony was in relation to anypony else or what anypony was doing.
The occasional spark of light behind him gave deeper penetration into the heavy gloom
ReplyDeleteMaybe I missed it, but where was the light coming from?
pony screamed and flew past him, a gash opening under one wing as she did. She crashed into the ground, writhing in pain, while her wing fell twitching some distance away.
Like, physically separated from her body? If so, that’s pretty hardcore. Not a complaint, but again, this point wasn’t really clear.
Searing pain shot through her arm, and she could feel the air near her face split. There was a horrendous screech as the rock above the gateway to New Ponyville was gashed open several inches deep, but Rainbow Dash grit through the pain and landed on her hooves, barely glancing at her bloody shoulder.
This was was confusing. First, I had trouble decyphering what you meant by ‘the air near her face split.’ Air splitting apart is neither an expression I’ve heard before or a phenomenon I’ve experienced. Ultimately, I decided you were probably going for some kind of cool anime move or something. Then the rock above new Ponyville is gashed open, but Rainbow grit through the pain. The word ‘but’ implies that Rainbow’s pain is in spite of the rock above New Ponyville being gashed open, which makes no logical sense. Maybe the same cool anime move that caused Rainbow’s apparent wound also caused the rock to be split open, but ‘but’ isn’t the proper word to use here.
The world seemed to blur around her with every movement as she inched her way towards closer
Typo.
I am truly impressed. Chapters 8 & 9 are quite possibly the most well written I have read in a fan-fic. The events that unfolded in sed chapters were mind-blowing. *SPOILERS* When the Captain told Rainbow Dash to take off the Shadowbolt mask, I took my time to figure out just who exactly the captain was and I could only conclude it was the Rainbow Dash from that universe that had "sacrificed herself" for her friends as none of them actually saw Rainbow Dash get killed by Nightmare Moon. For chapter 8,(I know commented in wrong order) the end was what really just wrecked havoc in my brain, and after having read that part, you made sure to explain why she became a Shadowbolt... really just great planning and writing on your part good sir. I believe i already gave it a 5 star rating however I can't for some reason rate any article right now... not even any stars shown for the ratings given by others. In all though, you are a fantastic writer, not once in this story have a been tempted to skip a chapter and just catch up to the most recent of chapters made and I eagerly await catching up with the next 5 chapters I have to read. Another good thing you've done with this story is that there aren't any (noticeable by me) fillers that you just shove in there so you can just go ahead and submit the next chapter, you have a major development in each chapter that I've read. I hope you enjoy writing this story because its an awesome one and its going on my list of favorite stories.
ReplyDeleteluckily i never post a comment before copying it in case the internet eats it so here is what was supposed to have been posted: I am truly impressed. Chapters 8 & 9 are quite possibly the most well written I have read in a fan-fic. The events that unfolded in sed chapters were mind-blowing. *SPOILERS* When the Captain told Rainbow Dash to take off the Shadowbolt mask, I took my time to figure out just who exactly the captain was and I could only conclude it was the Rainbow Dash from that universe that had "sacrificed herself" for her friends as none of them actually saw Rainbow Dash get killed by Nightmare Moon. For chapter 8,(I know commented in wrong order) the end was what really just wrecked havoc in my brain, and after having read that part, you made sure to explain why she became a Shadowbolt... really just great planning and writing on your part good sir. I believe i already gave it a 5 star rating however I can't for some reason rate any article right now... not even any stars shown for the ratings given by others. In all though, you are a fantastic writer, not once in this story have a been tempted to skip a chapter and just catch up to the most recent of chapters made and I eagerly await catching up with the next 5 chapters I have to read. Another good thing you've done with this story is that there aren't any (noticeable by me) fillers that you just shove in there so you can just go ahead and submit the next chapter, you have a major development in each chapter that I've read. I hope you enjoy writing this story because its an awesome one and its going on my list of favorite stories.
ReplyDeleteNow that that’s out of the way, a few thoughts on what actually happened in this chapter.
ReplyDelete“And when he has brought forth and reared this perfect virtue, he shall be called the friend of god, and if ever it is given to man to put on immortality, it shall be given to him.” -- Plato, The Symposium
The Noble Lie was an interesting theme to roll with in this chapter. I don’t think it worked all that well. In particular, I was taken aback by Twilight calling Applejack a monster, as if there were any villainy at all in her actions. You set out to ask some difficult ethical questions with this story, and for the most part, you’ve batted them out of the park. There are hundreds of comments on ED debating the morality of what Fluttershy did, what Rarity did, what the Captain did. I don’t think there will ever be an outspoken debate over what Applejack did. As such, I think this was a miss.
The moral compass is cloudiest when a character’s actions are drastic, self-compromising, and guided by some personal motivation. Applejack’s lie was self-compromising, but it wasn’t self-motivated in the same way that Rarity’s mismanagement of the town served to satiate her own thirst for popularity, nor in the way that the Captain’s betrayal (may have) served Rainbow’s need for status and respect. I don’t even think it was all that drastic. Nobody was screwed by the lie in the same way that they were screwed by Rarity or (debatably) by the Captain. Whether everypony commits suicide out of hopelessness sooner or later, what’s the difference? The weight of this moral dilemma seems a little on the light side.
I can’t tell you how relieved I am that Rainbow Dash refused to abandon the town when Twilight urged her to. How refreshing to see that someone hasn’t been corrupted. Who knows, maybe this will even be the pivot. The fulcrum on which the lever will turn, bringing down Nightmare Moon’s reign. If one Element of Harmony can survive untainted, then maybe Loyalty will be enough.
Looking forward to the next chapters.
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteI'm almost loath to discuss this because I know the author is reading these comments, and I know he’s admitted to being influenced by them, and I don't want to inadvertently influence him into doing something that would cause me to be very, very sad.
If the Captain dies, it would be expected. A traditional end to a tragic arc.
If Rainbow Dash dies, it would be gut-wrenching. The bottom would literally fall out of my stomach. It’s the most depressing turn this story can take, because she’s the only sympathetic character left in this thing, and every reader is rooting for her to make it out alive. Which is why I think the author will probably kill her. Because it would be the ending with the greatest emotional effect, and therefore the ending which leaves the most indelible impression.
Rainbow is the only character who hasn’t been corrupted by this world; she’s the only one who hasn’t forsaken her friends or what she stands for. If she dies in this world, it will be the ultimate tragedy. I have a sneaking suspicion the story's been set up that way on purpose... to set the stage for her tragic demise. :(
@Aldea_Donder
ReplyDeleteGrimdark plus tragedy equals... don't think there isn't a word for that. A sequence of meaningful events that ends with a tragedy would automatically lose most of its meaning for me cause... when a character goes de... abstract, that disables the point to judge their actions. I think that presence of character (i.e. lack of any reference of it's dead) is needed for its image to be thought of.
For the Shadowbolt, she uses to face the danger herself, but if she goes abstract in the process (of saving others), that means the world (includes Twilight) is left with hard debt to her. Like what Pinkie said. How to balance the world after such occasion, if it does happen?
Alternate Applejack and Rarity trouble also seems influenced by this. They were supposed to go more Pinkie as Dash disappears, but they decided to cover that wound of Dash disappearance instead. At cost of morals. For sake of spirit integrity, they would need presence of Dash, and Twilight. By the way, unless alternate Twilight exists with some mobile library or whole army of resistance, I don't see how she could change the situation. NMM seems to have enough power to destroy the whole mountain. Resorting to scouting in forests is good but harmful. After all, the alternate world' nature is coming to state of no hope.
@Aldea_Donder
When the atmosphere went a bit chaotic in battle scene, I didn't notice it too much, after all, battles are supposed to be a bit blurry. I was only getting surprised later, during silent streets scene. Image I got was the empty wide dark alley with torch lines on sides, where the feeling of being the city had dispelled like it's wrap-textured walls corridor of a computer game. That although is very reasonable cause the city may be condemned; I hope when they go away, the feeling of atmosphere will be less minimalistic.
Sorry maybe I described it too dark. The story is really good!
Of course, Cupcakes (Well, what little I read of it...) kinda scared me off the 'grimdark' tag for a while. But I'm so glad I looked past the tag to read this... Just finished chapter 14 and really looking forward to the denouement (whenever it shall come)!
ReplyDeleteI continue to be astounded by the ability of folk like you, BronyCray, to draw so many possibilities from the characters and yet still keep them feasible. I'm also highly impressed both with the palpable, sustained sense of emotional tension through the story, and your restraint and lack of sensationalism when it comes to some of the darker moments.
four hooves up (I'm lying on my back)! Really good stuff!
Oh, additional... you handle plot-twists and revelations like a pro!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I love the way that, through all the fracture, there are understandable (if not always laudable) reasons behind the mane characters more questionable decisions.
Well done again!
Hmmm....theory time.
ReplyDeleteRD showing her loyalty to a town of people that deserve none AND Captain RD protects Ponyville/someone in it... (both) Element(s) of Loyalty is (are) back.
AJ admits her mistake to the people comes clean with the truth... Element of Honesty is back.
Rarity stops thinking about herself and puts the actual needs of the people before her popularity... Element of Generosity is back.
Pinkameina is overcome with joy seeing her friends alive (and not ghosties) and laughs a happy, love-filled laugh for the first time in months... Element of Laughter is back. (Also, Pinkie is back and not Pinkameina.)
Fluttershy is the hard one. How to repent for killing animals to save ponies? Hmmmm......
I got nothing. Maybe she throws away the knife and frees the rest of the animals? Element of Kindness is back?
With the five of them back, Twilight goes into nuke mode.
Elements of Harmoy vs NMM Round 2!
@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteCan it realy work like this? The Magic element of this universe is lost and Twilight seems less than determined to help AJ and Rarity, she doesn't even recognise them as her friends and want to leave New Ponyville, but you know what?
I'm totally ok with this! This is a time paradox/screw thing that just HAPPENED to happen! Twilight and RD were never meant to be there, it's not their world! This might sound a little harsh but that's what I would do, ok we accept the fact that we screwed time and move on! they can't stay here the got to get back to their own time and world.(yes I'm that desperate)
The only light in the tunnel that I see now is that they got Cpt.Dashie(note: the char I hate the most in this fic) as a captive again, so Trixie just lost valuable intel on the location of New Ponyville's entrance. Also, NNM doesn't seem content with Trixie's actions, her fate is dark for now.
I realy want to see what will happen when NNM steps into the game! that should be interesting.
Go on Brony give us moar of this amazing fic!
Trixie making that request for additional power from... From what... Or whom? If it was NMM she wouldn't have added the word "from" to her sentence before she was interrupted. I'm suspecting NMM has Twilight and/or Celestia imprisoned and is syphoning their power and giving out some to her minions as needed. Very interesting indeed...
ReplyDeleteWell, this sort of sucks, i attempted to post a very well sized comment explaining everything that is awesome about this story and the internet ate the comment... twice. So I guess i will summarize it. Its really awesome that this story has a major event prepared/occur every chapter that I've read. The way you are able to change the new members of the mane 6(excluding RD and Twilight of course) seems to hold true to how I would believe they would react under these situations presented to them. I really liked how you were actually able to make me despise the parallel universe ponies excluding Fluttershy (she actually took positive action in a negative situation rather than Rarity's...not doing anything and Applejack's lying) I wonder. Best part for me so far was when RD took off the captains mask and saw herself, best setup yet but some what foreseeable since nopony actually saw her die. chapters 8 & 9 have been the most mind blowingly spectacular chapters IMO for this story. I've not found a single chapter in this story that I've had even an inkling to skip to the next chapter or skip over a part that I found boring(haven't been any btw), overall, very well written with plenty of detail and thrills along the ride. Definitely got my 5 stars. Again, this is only a portion of what i originally tried to post so you can take that as you may.
ReplyDelete@Jelfes
ReplyDeleteand just now realized it wasn't being eaten, rather they were being posted on the other pages of comments which I had no idea existed. that would be my bad...
Okay, I've re-read the scene with the vanishing Element and it matches the corresponding scene from the actual show completely, up until the point where everything starts going downhill.
ReplyDeleteSo what could this mean?
EITHER everything before that point went exactly as in the show, but the Element(s) (the artifact(s), not any character) was faulty for some reason. I personally believe this is true and will stick to that until contradicted by the author.
OR the mane cast really was just not close enough, or they didn't represent their Elements enough, or whatever. The point is, no one is really to blame for their failure.
OR Rainbow Dash chose the Shadowbolts over her friends on the far side of that bridge. I can understand a lot of the hate she gets if this is true, but I do not believe it is. Wouldn't she have left with them right there and then, allowing NMM to attack them in Rainbow's absence? I guess this doesn't make sense to me unless there was a scene in the actual story that explains how this would have happened *hint hint*.
Or maybe NMM made a different offer in this universe? We can't know.
Or heck, maybe some other scenario that I wouldn't even consider.
So I think the Captain only became the Captain when she attacked NMM to allow her friends to escape. NMM probably beat her within an inch of her life (explaining the scream) and then proposed her offer again. The Captain, not willing to die just yet and actually believing that she could still do some good as Captain of the Shadowbolts, accepted, grudgingly. Maybe she only later decided that she never was friends with Rarity (or the entire mane six, I don't remember her exact words).
Again, this is speculation, we cannot know this until we see it confirmed or contradicted by the author. (Again, dear Mister BronyCray, a scene depicting this would be VERY helpful.)
Okay, so that's my opinion on Captain Dash, so who's next?
Ah yes. Pinkie Pie. Well, I think it's pretty clear she just went off the deep end when her friends were gone. Anything else would REALLY surprise me.
Fluttershy.
We all "saw" what she did. It's pretty obviously the right... I mean the least wrong thing to do in her situation. It broke my heart seeing her like that and I literally cried at this point but I just can't understand anyone who says her Element is corrupted or something like that. Or she's a monster or whatever. That's just, excuse me for being so blunt, STUPID. The only other options were either letting someone else slaughter the animals or letting the entire town die of malnutrition. I'm no expert, but I'm guessing that's a slow, agonizing death. So that's two non-options for poor, kind Fluttershy.
(Continued in the next comment...)