Author: Tanner
Description: The chaotic life of Derpy Hooves is given meaning and structure from a peculiar dream and a strange objectDisarray
Additional Tags: derpy, existential, fork, chaos, meaning
Monday, April 25, 2011
Story: Disarray
Author: Tanner
Additional Tags: derpy, existential, fork, chaos, meaning
17 comments:
This = do not get...
What is this, I don't even...
Um...horray for Celestia for showing compassion for one of her subjects?
@Anonymous
What's hard to get? It was a really nice short story about Derpy. ^^
Is there going to be continuation or is it left open? Both would be fine, in my opinion.
Very professional, very well written, and very unexpected for a Derpy story. I don't quite know what happened, I just know it was well written.
Like Kujiiro said, very well written but a bit confusing... thats Derpy for that :)
Good Job Cheese
....umm, what?
Something happened but I don't know what...
I'm sure as hell not high enough to appreciate this work.
Cute story, but I think you meant to say mane at the end instead of mare.
But then again that could just be the way derpy thinks :)
AND THAT'S HOW I MET CLOYDES.
I am confus.
TALK ABOUT GETTING YOUR BEAUTY SLEEP.
That was delightfully surreal, which makes it very appropriate for Derpy.
So is Cloydes some sort of mystical fork-goddess?
This story has an extreme case of Trying Too Hard. Instead of coming off as poetic or highbrow, it's clunky and stilted.
You don't need a fancy vocabulary full of fifty-cent words to paint a beautiful word picture.
And I don't have the slightest idea what just happened either.
I didn't make it far into this story. It was immediately obvious the author was making liberal use of his/her thesaurus to ill effect. A large vocabulary is a resource to be treasured, but tossing synonyms around willy-nilly leads to awkward and arresting phrases ("Out of my humbled home I rushed in a rampant hurry" for example) which, while technically not incorrect, force the reader out of the story while they ponder your frankly bizarre choice of words. This sort of phraseology serves no purpose save to destroy the readability of one's writing.
Also, there were multiple grammar and punctuation errors just in the first few paragraphs. You really should have someone proofread this before you submit. If you did have a proofreader, you should find someone else.
Blogbrony, you were asking earlier if some fics should be culled from the site. If you read this, this is the sort of story I wouldn't mind seeing banished from the blog: short, poorly-edited, and rendered near-incomprehensible by poor (dare I say pretentious?) word choice.
Pretentious, thank you. Exactly the word I was looking for.
I worry about trashing a story because I always wonder if I'm discouraging a first time writer from trying again. So, yeah. It's pretty bad. You tried for dreamlike imagery and it fell flat.
But that's okay. Dreamlike is way harder than it looks, and much harder to write well than simple straightforward storytelling. Give it another try, aim for a more accessible style, and let us have a look at the results.
I personally enjoyed it until the dream bit at the end, that made no sense. Ditzy having a rich inner life that she can't express properly is an interesting idea, but I don't think it was explored fully or properly. Still it was a new idea, and I must congratulate you on that endevor.
very, very well-written.
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